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About cle103

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  1. @remember I would choose end of suffering. Although there is a certain part of me which enjoys suffering in a weird way and art is my #1 passion. @Nahm Caught me. Mmh...
  2. Oh man, I see what you're pointing at. This was my mentality for so long and is still to a large degree. "Work/Grind/... through it" instead of finding Love within it - loving it. Thank you. Lol, that's a good point. @Leo Gura Thank you! It almost feels like the last year was full of breakthroughs and now I am putting in the emotional work for the long run. Purification is not always pleasant, that's for sure. Can't hide your demons in the closet forever or they will get rowdy sooner or later lol. ❤️️
  3. @Nahm Mmh, thank you. I've never seen the Mona Lisa but I saw the starry night by Van Gogh. The painting is alive. It speaks to you and has this almost magical energy field. True art is truly remarkable. The one about loneliness also hits home. The only way out is through. And who knows what I'll find or lose along the way. Are you talking about dosages ?
  4. It’s been about 3 months since I last tripped. Just didn't get the call. Then over the last weeks so much suffering added up that I wanted to find out what was behind that. So I set some intentions and waited for today. The morning felt right. No doubt just a little anxietey. So I decided to trip. I drank the Mushrooms as tea, put on some music and danced for a while. Last year I had alot of fear come up especially after one breakthrough. I am glad to report that this fear is almost completely gone. So no worries or panic here. After 20 minutes the trip came on properly. Spoiler: The trip began great and ended bleak. And I feel really down at the moment. So it’s a bit hard to get excited about insights. I’ll still report. 1. Art As I’m in the process of becoming an artist there was a recognition of what art is truly about. It’s about communication between artist and spectator. Done right the art communicates and transmits a feeling and/or state. If the artist only paints because he thinks it looks good then it’s not art in the deepest sense. If you want something that looks like it’s real take a photo. Art is something else. A great piece is a portal to the Soul. 2. Matrix I had a vision of my parents however their bodies where fully transparent with a yellow light (their souls) in the middle of their chests. It looked just like a simulation. A bit like the movie matrix but with red and yellow instead of green and black. The floor and room were simulated as well. I then recognized that this is what God is. It is the full scene. And the scene isn’t separated into “mum”, “dad” and “me”. It’s all the same stuff. God invented it and made it happen. It played with itself and forgot it did it. And THIS is the rock bottom base reality. It's God having a Dream - being the Dream. The word that came to me over and over was “Singular”. God is the Singular. The One. The none other. It invented the notion of death and duality because it - I - cannot die. As I realized this there was no ecstasy it was this feeling of rock bottom. And at rock bottom there is one thing: Loneliness. Complete bleak Loneliness. And this reminded me of the reason I came to trip in the first place: Suffering. 3. Open Heart What crystalized out of all my intentions was one true intention: I want to live with an open heart. It wasn’t really a choice. It was the obvious intention out of all that I wrote down. It was just hidden in different words and stories. And then it came on. I had this vision of a black treasure chest in a dark room. In there were all my negative emotions and Samskaras. Over the last months I tried to deal with all the incoming “stuff” but I forced so much down as well. I did the best I could but I hid a good part of it. It felt too much. When I meditated or did breathing I opened this chest just a bit. This time it felt more like it was opened half way. The suffering came out. All my mistakes and fuck ups. I knew that I had to face all of this at some point but it felt too much. I didn’t know how much was down there and just how painful it would be. The two main emotions where: Loneliness and Desperation. Like this feeling of there is no hope. Like being kicked when you’re already on the ground. I remember standing in the bathroom looking into the mirror and starting to cry. It felt like I hit rock bottom. There was no lower low. I wanted to get a sense of completion after that. End on a high note or whatever. But there was nothing left. After about 3 hours the trip ended and I was back to normal. To take away some of the bleakness: I also had a vision of some truly great artists where I could see their story and evolution from a bird's eye view. They all went through darkness. And I also had a vision of someone in solitary confinement in complete darkness where there was this light in front of him symbolizing enlightenment. We will have to see how this turns out. All of it will come full circle at some point. For now I will ride it out the best I can. Much Love
  5. I had the exact same fear as you (I live in Germany where it's super unlikely as well). It started when I was a kid. We used to go to old castles and I never wanted to go into the torture chamber... The fear stayed with me until a couple months ago. Then there was a sudden realization where it came from: I subconsciously wanted to experience pain and torture because I viewed it as purification. It was punishment for my "sins". Therefore my psyche created a back and forth between "sinning" and being afraid of the punishment (torture). Ever since this realization the fear dropped. What I want to illustrate by this anecdote is: Get to the bottom of it. Find out where it comes from. Once you do that, letting it go becomes effortless. I know it's easier said than done. Try to contemplate, set the intent to find out and then go on with your life. That's what has worked for me at least I am trying to do the same thing with my fear of needles right now... So good luck!
  6. @Superfluo Thank you. Yes, I have read it, great book! The process was actually: Read the book, try it and kinda fail... trip on AL-LAD and do the exact process intuitively... get busy with other techniques... suffering builds up... this process was discovered. Also, it‘s not full on holotropic breathing (for me) as I won‘t fully focus on it, it‘s more like a relaxed version.
  7. Hey guys, I wanted to share a process with you that has greatly benefitted me... and might be of use to some of you. What is emotional Re-Integration? Well, did you ever wander why there are thoughts in your head which are "impure"? Did you ever notice uncomfortable tension in your body? Are you afraid/angry/... more than you would like? I was (and still am to some degree). So why is all that the case? What I found through direct experience including an AL-LAD trip (and some external pointers) is that there are certain (unpleasant) memories in us which are supressed or repressed. Basically it's all the stuff we or our mind wants us to forget bc. it hurts/doesn't serve our survival. Problem is that these memories are like splinters of yourself. It's like you left a part of yourself behind. And that part of you causes trouble in the subconscious and your daily life. No situation makes one angry. You yourself make yourself angry. Let me give you an example of my personal life: I had/have a lot of anger inside of my psyche. For 20 years of my life (maybe past lifes, who knows) I kept it down through aggressive workouts, running long distances and listening to hard music. However this only releases the utmost pressure. It's like releasing the pressure of a pressure cooker once. The water keeps boiling. The workouts and the music keep perpetuating the anger, even though I seem kind and calm to the world. What needs to happen is a re-integration of the part of yourself which causes the emotion (Hint: The emotion might want to tell you something). So here is the technique (I will use my anger as an example again): Lie down and keep breathing continuously. Breathe in and let go in a comfortable fession and do not stop (this is important as some memories which come up will be so painful that you will stop breathing). Feel your body - How do you feel? Example: I feel agitation in the left side of my belly. What is that? Example: It's anger. Feel it out. Take your time. Is there all there is or is this emotion a cover up? You can leave this question out in the beginning, however I find it very helpful. Example: Yes, it's a cover up. It's my response to not being able to change a rejection I had to face. What is the underlying emotion? This takes some practice. Focus on the feeling. Example: It's shame. When was the last time I felt that emotion? Example: When I was rejected by a girl I wanted to talk to. Optional: Does this emotion/memory want to teach me something? When was the first time I felt this emotion? If no memories come up, don't worry. The most important thing here is to not make stuff up. If something comes, good. A further point of note: When you experience a memory, does it show in 1st or 3rd person? 3rd person implies a deeper split in consciousness. Example: A memory comes up where a kindergarten teacher yells at me for something I may or may not have done wrong. Step into the scene as your current self. Don't go back in "time", take the memory in to the present. What would the splintered part of you want in that situation in order to feel whole again? Let your intuition and heart guide you. Try things out and see how they feel. You'll know when completion is reached again. Example: I stepped in between my kid-self and the kindergarten teacher. It felt "righteous" but not right. Hugged myself and took myself home. No change... Then, I let the memory take its course and talked to my kid-self after the scene: "Hey, you know its all alright, do you? You know why? Because I still love you." - That's it! Energy surges through the system. Physical tension and deep blockages open up in my belly. A light feeling of levitation sets in. The session is complete. This was one recent example of how this process works. I will provide a video which describes a similar one which this one is largely based on. The most important thing is to FEEL and to let your intuition guide you. Don't force it, let it happen! One further note: You could get really granular with all the terms used here. I would just want to make two points clear: Healing vs. Re-integration: Healing implies sickness. You are not healing yourself. Nothing is wrong, broken or bad. You are simply welcoming a part of yourself home. Good vs. bad emotions: Again, there is NOTHING wrong with the way you feel. There is no need to change anything, it's just a matter of re-integration. In short the process is the following: Feel your body - What do you feel? Describe it to yourself and label it. When was the last time you felt that emotion? When was the first time you felt it? Change the scene mentally until completion is reached. Lastly, here is the video (I know that there is more than one opinion on Teal Swan, however the process is legit): If you have any questions or comments, please share. Cheers!
  8. Hey guys, I just had a very wacky and intense experience and I wanted to ask if anyone has some insights or experiences regarding to it. It began last night when I did some breathwork followed by 40m of meditation. Once I went to bed afterwards I awoke a half hour later due to stomach pain. This left me in this weird half asleep / half awake state for the following hours. When I finally fell into deep sleep, I began dreaming. It was a future setting where Aliens had invaded Earth. It looked like a computer game and I was going along with it - kinda enjoying the dream. Then I was at their base in space. There was a narrator saying "Don't shoot their ship" but I still did. Then they began shooting back. The "screen" went dark. I then asked "Why am I not afraid?". Then the voice said "Because you are already captured". At that point I had enough. I can pretty much stop dreams at will (most times), so I woke myself up and forced my eyes open... then it got wacky. The dream/nightmare voice did not want to go. So the familiar voice (the narrator of my life) said "GO". Then the other one started screaming in a super high pitch (I was awake at that point!). Then for a couple seconds the familiar voice fought the other one. I lost the sense of my body and felt like I was spinning. Finally the demonic force left. It felt like my ego voice had forced it out. Has anyone experienced something similar or knows what this is/was? I've had my fair share of Paranormal stuff happening, especially whilst dreaming. And whilst it's interesting I could definitely do without lol. Also this is kinda an analogy to Awakening I think. What happens when the familiar voice leaves?
  9. @Leo Gura That‘s a good point. In one of the last trips I became aware of this gender construct (you‘re not either or - you are both/none - with a set point somewhere on that „field“). It just felt like this trip was about the male side of the story. @Nahm Thank you 🙏🏻
  10. @Leo Gura Interesting. This trip mostly dealt with the masculine side (I‘m male). Gotta get more into that.
  11. Preface: This was the first proper trip after my last one which was preceeded by a panic attack and subsequent ego death. I was not entirely sure if I was ready for another round however I felt really good this morning and decided to go in again. The Come Up: Just like last trip the body panicked upon intake of the tea. However this time I was able to stay completely calm. The heart and stomach were beating, yet the mind was calm and clear. And after a couple of minutes the body panic stopped and the trip started. The trip: After the heart beat returned to normal there was a simple sentence that came to me: "Remember, the Darkness is the Light". And as it turned out this should be theme of the trip. The Darkness The trip started of dark. Really dark. Mushrooms can be like that. Someone once wrote here that it's kinda like being dropped of on a random planet. Pretty accurate I would say. Well this planet was at war. I had a vision of someone being tortured. Me being the one leading the interrogation and the one taking the pain. I had vision of a couple young boys having a fight and beating the living shit out of each other. I had a vision of an Asian genocide happening before my eyes. Lastly I had a vision of some violent alien race pillaging the galaxy... led by some sort of hive mind. Note, I include this to be accurate. I don't know if there is any truth to that whatsoever. Yet it kinda felt like a warning. The Shadow After all that darkness I decided to take a little break. Once I came back from taking a piss I lied back down and the darkness revealed itself as the shadow. The male shadow to be exact. The male shadow is anger. And, very interestingly the female shadow is deception. I have not studied shadow work yet, however this is my direct experience. Both energies seemed to be wounded deeply and I had visions of both being acted out by people I know. Then I was also shown how to be a man. Being a man entails dealing with that shadow and shining a light on it (note that everyone has both male and female energy). And very interestingly it includes homosexuality. I have one gay friend however I noticed that I have a bit of a resistance towards being gay. That resistance was surrendered. This side of me which was resistant was able to be re-integrated. I still like women last time I checked but I feel more whole as man. The Light After all of that the Light came. I still had some violent visions however this time it was different. There was a light shining through. There was a particular scene I remember. The light merged with the darkness becoming pure light setting the scene in stone. I remembered that all that darkness is Love. It is light. It is Goodness. Love (with a capital "L") includes all of it. It is it. It is the darkness and the shadow. That is what pure Love entails. And why all the darkness? Out of Love. The Voice I still wanted to break through to God and tried to surrendered further. Then, for the first time I was able to see existence as a projection. It's a hologram. It has no substance. What we call life is a projection onto the screen of consciousness. The body is a thought and has no absolute essence. The mind is illusory and has no absolute essence. My birth is a story. I am a story. What I call "me" is a character in a game called life. It has no essence. What is left then? Isness. Pure self aware Isness. Why is there a voice inside of my head? Most of the breakthroughs I had were kind of narrated by the voice in my head (until the event horizon was passed so to speak). This time I could see how the voice lost itself. It still narrated but it lost itself in a sort of echo chamber of God. It too had no essence of itself. I, as God was talking to myself. There were no bells, whistles of ecstasy this time. It also wasn't a complete breakthrough. More of merging in and out of Nonduality. That's it. Short and sweet. Most important (for me at least) was to be able to face the fear and jump into the deep end again. There is still work to do. Don't know when I will trip again though. Have a good one! Much love
  12. Thanks alot for the reply! I've never really gotten into Rupert as he seemed a bit to clean and scientific for me (I'm more of an Eckhart and Adyashanti guy). I will give it go! Any thoughts regarding "fear of death" and how you overcame it (if you did)?