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@Nivsch Even animals eat animals. Like humans kill humans. We are animals or come from them. Our behavior is even similar to chimpanzees and bonobos. Yes, racial ideology is gruesome. It was even introduced by famous philosophers IIRC Kant or someone else. Creating a racial categorization or saying, for instance, the black man can only be free in slavery. Depending on how circumstances where and the details of this small excerpt or quote, he could be right, otherwise, the person could be shot or killed or was haunted. In that sense. I never read much about the subject I read the quote somewhere. Animals depending on how you view it are not equal, on a spiritual level potentially. Yet, not as a living and functioning creature you can't for instance, say a goldfish is more sophisticated than a dolphin. Or a hornet is as equal as a bee. In that term it's relative, yet you have to consider that relative means something is related to something. So, a hornet is potentially as equal as a bee ... in terms of regarding it (holding it in a relative perspective) that it is an insect. But, for the environment and the globe, the bee could potentially provide more value because it produces honey and pollinates flowers. Yet, the hornet might kill small insects who could harm the environment. So, in context or in a relative perspective the bee and the hornet have different types of values and functions, so they are not equal. As their "right" as insects they may be equal, yet not as how they provide value. In that sense, humans are not equal to animals. Animals have their own rights and should have their own rights. Yet, we are also animals. Like we have a mammal part of our brain that is named mammal part because we are mammals. Imagine the human race contacts some alien force and the alien force are corrupt humans how have already technically advanced themselves and are fully automated humanoid robots. They don't need to eat, they don't need to sleep, they just need to maintain their functionality and the order of the outer planet/structure where they are living. Would they see us as equal? If they are superior in every sense.

Name Working with a Nightmare (in the "Dream Tending" style) Purpose/Effects According to Jungian psychologist and master of dreamwork Stephen Aizenstat, nightmares represent one of the most unused natural resources for psychological healing. Disturbing dreams that contain monsters, aliens, killers, life-threatening catastrophes, and so on represent invitations from the deep unconscious to connect with our deep Self. The Self is a natural, wild, untamed thing, that does not conform to the needs of our safe little egoic constructions. Despite our efforts to repress and deny our own "soul" (another word for the deep Self, albeit one with strong religious connotations), it is in fact the organic, generative, natural core of our being. Thus we cannot get away from it, and the struggle to do so can only result in our lives become flat, stale, dull, and impoverished. Working with a nightmare is an incredibly powerful way to reconnect with the "juice" of life. It can ignite creativity, dispell depression, relieve anxiety, and reawaken us to the beauty and depth of each moment. Method Summary Deeply explore a nightmare image. Long Version For this exercise you need paper and a pen. Bring to mind a nightmare you recently had, or a nightmarish image from any dream. A nightmarish image can be terrifying, but it could also be disgusting, sick, alien, bizarre, or in some other way disturbing. Write down everything you can about this dream image. See it in your mind’s eye. Describe it in great detail. If the image is too terrifying to confront directly, then first connect with a dream image that you find comforting and protective. Keep this guide/protector image with you while you work with the nightmare image. The nightmare image may grow bigger, get scarier, or somehow attempt to intimidate you. Alternately, it may disappear from your imagination, as it tries to hide itself. It is important that the image understand that you are not trying to kill or annihilate it. Speak to it directly, saying that you simply want to see it, and that you will not hurt it in any way. Simply tolerating the presence of such an image is a big accomplishment. If this is as far as you can go for now, that is fine. If you can go further, attempt to investigate the sensory qualities of the image as specifically as possible. Get into the details, with as much curiosity as possible. If it is a huge taratula, what is the texture of its spider fur like? What color are the feet of the image, and is there any dust or dirt on its “toes”? If it is not an animal or creature, but instead is some kind of natural phenomenon, like a tsunami, do the same thing with its characteristics. What does it smell like? What does it sound like? Once you get very clear about the sensory features of the nightmare image, attempt to draw it, write about it, dance it, sing a song about it, or otherwise make some creative expression about the image. Repeat this process with the same image many times. Notice how the image begins to change over the weeks, months, and years. After a while, you may be quite surprised at what the image becomes! History This exercise is a paraphrase of many similar exercises developed by Stephen Aizenstat in his DreamTending work. Cautions Working with a nightmare image can sometimes be quite difficult or intense. If you want to go deeply into this, it is recommended that you do so with the help of a therapist. Notes It is very important that you do not attempt to "interpret" the image in any way. DreamTending sees interpretation as the attempt of the small, rational ego to control and dominate (and otherwise oppress) the contents of the deep unconscious. Consider the nightmare image to be an actual entity, with its own life, its own purposes, and its own reasons for doing things. It is not necessarily "just part of you," and it does not necessarily exist only to help you. Let go of ideas like these, which only tend to deaden, neuter, and domesticate the wildness of the deep Self. Instead, encounter a dream image with all the care, caution, alertness, and wonder you might have for an encounter with a wild animal.

What you are referring as the feeling of 'i', grab onto it keenly. Dont bother about any thought or content of experience. Just attend to that i feeling. Now find out if that i feeling was present during deep sleep. If not, then that i feeling is only another subtle sensation. Existence remains unbroken in deep sleep even in the absence of that i feeling, so existence has nothing to do with that i feeling just like existence has nothing to with anything that comes and goes. Then investigate the i feeling again. Is that something you are? Or is it something you know or focus on? You can never 'know' yourself. You can only be yourself and that is already the case. You can only know something alien or other than yourself. What you are mentioning as the i feeling here is indeed the ego or the i thought. And by investigating and keenly staying with it, it will make that conceptual feeling of i vanish along with the identification mechanism.

"Just be/remain you" is synonymous with "stop defining yourself". And yes, there is no effort being oneself. Effort is only required to be something alien or other

1st May 2019 Yoga (yin), vipassana, followed by a dose of Changa. Smallish dose, all I had left, about a capful. Feeling before hand: Scared, anxious, apprehensive. I did my best to wean these off, reminding myself it's just my ego wanting to keep me as I am. I observed the feelings the best I could without reacting. Told myself I don't know what will lie ahead, I will just take it as it comes. I also vaped some CBD beforehand just as a bit of a mental massage. (I've had a solid vipassana routine for some time now but I missed this at the weekend, then I was sick on Monday/Tuesday so today's short session was all I had. It didn't seem to matter.) Prep & trip I sat down in meditative posture on a round cushion, told myself a few more times that I surrender everything and that I am just an observer, before putting my finger on the bong's peephole, putting my mouth to the top and the flame to the black leafy substance in the cap. I took a small hit to try and gauge the how the smoke feels (normally I can't handle the smoke and it's a bit of a mental game) however it felt creamy and cold due to the ice water in there. I only held it in for around 10-15 seconds and let out a cloud of smoke, at this point I felt this was incorrect and I should have held onto it for longer. I then finished off the rest and I sat there still in the room, nothing much changed although everything was warping. I realised it was all gone and the effects were light>moderate but this thought went and I just shut my eyes. I observed the constantly moving, endless, soft but clear, geometric world. I had a negative thought and the shapes formed a finger which pointed at me, as if laughing (you thought you could breakthrough haha). That kind of thing. I then went back to being aware, removing attachment as best I could, and this instantly faded. Then the feeling of death came up which is the reason I'm writing this post. I started feeling really connected to the fact that I will die someday and there will be nothing left, no I, no thoughts, no friends, no family. I will cease to exist and I will not maintain my human state/ego once this has happened. This was quite a painful feeling and I felt the sadness in my stomach, to which I just thought this will cease to exist as well. I sat there feeling this as long as I could, it was extremely humbling. Afterthoughts I then gradually felt myself returning to normal, and as this feeling went, the thoughts came saying that this is just my ego protecting itself, although I'm not sure this is true as I wanted to see more down this path. I ponder death when I can remember in normal life, and sometimes I think I will be fine with death, but this has just shown me that I have a lot of work to do, a lot of priorities to make, and habits to change. The only issue being that this fades and fades until I'm into a normal routine once more. As part of my daily meditation, I think I will start practising self-inquiry, or just pondering my own death, more seriously, sat down quietly for say 30 minutes. One more point, with my eyes shut the common thought it always 'what is this??' so I thought, this is reality. This just seems so alien to me as I'm a human from Earth with perceived limits experiencing a world with none (or something like that, my train of thought is now more or less back to normal). Again, this was a small>moderate dose, nowhere near breakthrough, just put me into a deep state, connecting me with this feeling of death.

@Preety_India Somehow, reality is intelligent. I started experiencing paranormal phenomena prior to my flight. My three ceremonies mirrored three Taoist precepts I was reading in a book beforehand. I shudder to think if someone could willingly tap into that innate intelligence. There really probably are individuals with alien-like Consciousness out there. It terrifies me. Oh! It's unbelievably good for your health too. Oh! Write all your details somewhere safe too. I had an Ego-Death in the last ceremony and it wiped my memory, which relapsed the next day too lols. Not good when you forget who you are at the hotel the next day lols.

The only way something can be good or bad, is when you judge it and classify it as something good or bad for "Tecladocasio". If there was an alien race which liked to have human pets, you would hate them for enslaving yourself. To them it would be fun to get a nice and cute human though, in the worst case they buy an another if he's too mean.

Massive war with China? They have a President for life, so I'm sure they're getting closer to the USA technologically, maybe even exceeding it in certain areas. Besides the Western world has grown soft. If they wait a bit longer it'll turn on itself anyway. Relatively quiet period in human history as far as major wars go, or so I've heard. A Meteorite strike? Plague? Super Volcano eruption? Independence Day style Alien Invasion?

I will give you an alien example again though ok. IF aliens have visited Earth THAN....imagine how much more advanced they must be compared to us. IF the government knows that they are real THAN....imagine how much secret stuff they know which we never even conspire about. If the government is actually in communication with them THAN......IF any of the conspiracies are true THAN it's much deeper than we think and IF that is the case THAN..........(something)...and IF that THAN...(something).............ect ect ect ect ect ect idk, i think it works better if think on your own. mb that is why i used the word imagine so much(above) lol....who knows....

I didn't know which sub to post this under as it applies to a few. Long story short I quit my job to travel across South America for 4 months. Reasons for travel: self-inquiry, lots of free time to think (mainly on self-purpose), work as a photographer, practice guitar as much as possible, and see as much of the continent as I can. My current self/habits Self-inquiry Around 1 hour daily Vipassana meditation where possible. Yoga. Some dabbles in pondering what I am or believe I am. Past DMT, mushrooms, LSD, Ayahuasca and San Pedro experiences. Health 3x callisthenics workouts per week. Weekly running. Photography/guitar Pursued photography on and off, some jobs but not committed 100% and recent focus has been on guitar. This is still a strong passion which I've invested a lot of time and money into. Guitar seems to be my stronger passion but I still have doubts where it will take me. I sometimes feel as though I've lost the care and passion I once had for music. Sometimes I'll listen to tracks I wrote in my teens and I can immediately feel the heart and message I was trying to portray. At the moment everything just feels like I'm covering up emptiness with things I think I should be doing because they give me moderate pleasure or gave me pleasure at some point in my life. It also feels like my goal is productivity rather than life purpose/acting through passion - I had a drug stint in my life where I basically regressed to a crack fiend state which resulted in heavily negative views of my self and the world (and for the cherry on top I comforted myself with the only that didn't induce more anxiety/depression whilst I was doing the thing (food) so this meant occasional bulimia and daily binge eating. It felt like I went from 100% to below 0 over a number of weeks - I could feel the anxiety and depression getting heavier and heavier every day and my weight fluctuated constantly. It was pretty scary, I was a complete wreck and I had no idea how to handle it. So essentially I think my driving force behind productivity comes from here as a counter-weight to all of the 'wasted' time, although I'm also a procrastinator and don't really push myself. My first view of ego death was a ketamine+mdma trip back in my teens that just completely blew my mind. I had many similar sessions that were incredible. The only problem was becoming too involved with the party scene instead of being mature enough to start the hint, start meditating and perhaps take psychedelics in controlled settings. But yeah, I was young and wanted to take everything to the extreme. Either way, all of this has lead me towards meditation, yoga etc. I still have small hints of the passion here and there with guitar and I now relate this to a kind of spiritual experience in that everything else shuts off and I'm completely consumed - hours can go by, food is forgotten about and once I'm out of it my bladder seems to be more urgent than breathing. I think it's dzogchen described in the Tibetan book of living and dying - the moment before another thought rises. I'm not saying it is this thing, but it's the closest description I can relate the feeling to. Whichever of the above 3 I work on more, the other suffers and this results in guilt. (Don't even get me started on social/family - this is something I neglect too much. I'm on and off engaged with social/family but more off). I have really good relationships with people now also which took a very long time for me after the 'stint' as I used to be in my comfort zone surrounded by new faces but then was too scared to even look my parents in the eye - everything and everyone felt alien, or I felt like the alien. Okay enough about my feelings... Overall I always seem to have too much to do and too little time to accomplish it. Even recently during my current unemployment, I'm finding it hard to tackle all of the above, although it's still early days. Goals from travel/routine More Ayahuasca + San Pedro. 5-MEO-DMT (hopefully). 1-2 hours daily Vipassana. 30-60 minutes self-inquiry. 30 minutes do nothing. Photograph and write about my experiences. 2 hours of guitar per day. Life purpose (not that I'll necessarily find it, more so just work on it as much as possible). Completely give up old eating habits (almost done!) Drop as much anxiety as possible (my main 'fear' is people - I still sometimes feel my voice shaking when talking to certain people but I try my best. I just know there's so much more I can do to completely be rid of this so it's not so demobilizing). Improve Spanish. Other more 'generic' goals (meet new people, volunteer in the Amazon, experience the culture, try foods, go on hikes look at sloths etc). Meditation, self-inquiry etc will be on overdrive during the Ayahuasca sessions as I don't really plan on just laying around too much and I also don't want to be engaging too much in photography or guitar at this time (if at all). To me the list seems pretty crammed and I'll need to adjust as I go along as there are a lot of things I want to see whilst I'm out there as well. This is kinda how my life has been for the past 5 years, since I started full-time work after university, leaving work with a lot of tension and anxiety then sometimes too tired to work, ie I've fallen asleep sitting up playing guitar multiple times. I noticed this the most on Saturdays where I had no commitments during the day or on Sunday. Finally, my mind could rest and I could focus on the task. I get that I'm playing a victim here but nonetheless I've left my job and I have 4 months ahead of me to work on myself. I've been watching Leo's videos on and off for a few years and have recently come back to the channel learning about non-duality which has sparked some serious interest. This being said, I thought this was a good place to ask this question amongst like-minded actualizers who may be able to advise me on any steps I can take to really take full advantage of this time as it may be the only time in my life I have this opportunity. Thank you if you read my partial life biography. I could go on and on but I tried my best to stick to the main points.

I wrote this spontaneously on 4chan and thought maybe you guys could extract some value from it. It's a lengthy rant with many typos, but it felt good to let it all out. ok, here is my advice. You need to focus, and focus only on one thing. Only one thing at a time, otherwise you will crash and fail. The question is, of course, on what do you focus on? You have a shitload of options, but in my opinion it all boils down to building good habits. Habits will save your life, habits will make everything easier. You basically are your habits, have shit habits, have a shit life and so on. The two next questions of course, how do you build habits and wich habit do you choose? The first one is easy: Do one thing everyday till it becomes so natural for you that it feels like taking a shit or brushing your teeth - with no resistance to it at all. The problem is, your mind and body don't want that. They want to maintain homoeostasis (google it, it's crazy stuff). So you will be pulled back, you will slack of, don't do the thing thats good for you, you will fail. But only if you focus on more than one thing at a time. Here is the easy way to build a good habbit: do it as the FIRT THING in the morning, as soon as you possibly can. There is no other way. In the morning you have willpower overload, in the evening you are depleted. If you don't start your day with the new habit you want to implement, you will fail. Do this for many days. For some it takes 30 days, for some it takes a 4 months to get your habit really "ingrained" in your mind. As soon as the habit get's fixed, it belongs to you and it's crazy hard to lose it again (look at your bad habits, you know how hard it is to drop them) When one good habit becomes part of your identity, it will stay and push you through life. Results will build on each other, creates a Snowball effect. More on that soon. Next Up: Wich Habits to choose. "Wich habit is the best habit?" This question will change everything . Ask yourself, wich one thing, when done every single day of my life, will bring me the most reward over time? This is such an inspiring question for me. For me it's meditation. For you it could be journaling, working out, creating art, reading for one hour, going into nature, or planning and visioning your future life. Do it once every two weeks and it will be nice, do it every day for the next 30 years and it will violently shake up your trist life. Just Imagine what would happen in the next 30 years if you stick to your habit and master it and what would happen if you stay the same old you in the next 30 years? Realy imagine it, take 5 minutes for both scenarios, really feel those both very real possible futures for you. To realy find the best habit for you, just try stuff out. Without the intention to build a habit around it but to have fun and find something authentic for yourself. I did soccer, tennis, deep sea diving, video games, hiking, video animation and drawing until i found my true passion: creating electronic music. You have to try stuff out. Find the one thing you see the most value in - maybe it's reading nonfiction books about psychology i don't know, but choose one thing when you found it and NEVER let go. Build your habit around that one thing and stay for it. Because then everything will change. Because of the compound effect. Next Up: The compound effect. I do this shit for 5 years and slowly i am feeling the impact of the compound effect, or the snowball effect or what ever you want to call exponential growth. Because this is it. Exponential Growth. This will change Everything. Look at this curve. ( https://potsandpansbyccg.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/exponential-growth.png ) Imagine this graph shows your fulfillment in life trough out time. What will happen in the next year if you implement on good habit? Here comes the hard truth: probably nothing much. If you read self help literature or meditate for one year, you will get some nice results, but nothing great or very inspiring. People around you will probably not notice it. This is normal. But what will happen is the following: By sticking to your one good habit, many micro habits are getting build for you automatically. If you meditate you will notice your emotions and bad thoughts earlier. If you lift weights you will be more confident and have a better posture and so on. Why is this important? All this micro stuff builds momentum for you. If you are a tad more confident, you maybe will be introduced to a new circle of friends. Or maybe you will talk to a girl you wanted to talk to. Nothing crazy, but nice. This motivates you, all the little moments of success will give you fuel. Maybe this new circle of friends of yours will take you to a festival and there you have the best 3 days of your life. This will motivate you, this gives you strength to do something more, maybe there is really more to life than all the bullshit around you, all the gossip and bad entertainment. You will AUTOMATICALLY do more stuff that is good for you, will will be reading and thinking more on your own, without extra effort, because you got a little taste of the good life. All this little extra stuff that you do will also build on top of each other. Finally you are taking a bit more responsibility. Here it get's really good. Start to fix your life and people will slowly notice. Start to eat clean, fix your room (i know but it's true) not because you read it in a book somewhere because you fucking want to. People will notice your attitude, they will respect you more. This fuels you even more. Everything fuels you now, you don't even have to motivate yourself because now you are getting positive feedback from the outer world. This is a big point in your life, when you notice that your surrounding reacts to you more positive than before, you want more of that. Now it's time to let go of the brakes you desperately hold on to. This is Fear.If you just let go of all the fucking anxiety and doubt in you, then you will reach the breaking point. Look at the graph, do you see the breaking point, where the line just skyrockets after some time? This is you without your brakes. But it takes time. For me it took 4 years to feel that this shit is real, now i'm right in the process of letting go and fuck holy shit i am fucking scared. I am at the tipping point. This Post is important to me. Is anyone still interested? Will share more. Let's talk about brakes because boy do we have our brakes on. To really get what i mean with brakes, look at children on a playground. Most of them don't have brakes, or aren't stuck on them. Most children are pure energy, pure potential, and they use it as they please. To have fun, to experience joy and excitement. It's pretty inspiring. What will happen to the kids? They will be forced to sit still, shut up, behave, fit in, impress others, buy stuff. This is modern survival, if you can't fit in, impress and buy, you are socially dead. It's true, and it's rough. I was this kid once, completely spastic, autistic and happy. Then i embarrassed myself in front of other people. Then again. Then i failed something that was very important to me. Then i got humiliated by a teacher and so on, everyone experienced this stuff. The shame sits deep and it fucking hurts. What do we do? We want to NEVER experience something like this ever in our lives again. The thought of it makes us sick. What do we do? We put on our brakes. We censor ourselves. We sit still. We behave, try to fit in. I was so fucking bad in fitting in, and i still am (but now the perspective changed dramatically.) It is a horrible experience to feel like an alien. You get stiff, you tense up, all of the authentic movement of yours gets lost in robotic and calculated gestures, this is the safe way. It really is, with brakes on it's hard to get humiliated. It's hard to really fail at life, because society is easy. Get a job, have kids, it's possible with the brakes. But you life in a shell, behind a mask, behind your defense mechanism. Because your goal at the moment is to not screwed it up again like you did in Highschool. You try it with force, hold back the "weird" you and try to emulate other people you saw on tv, in school, your role models etc. So know we know why we have our brakes on, but why shouldn't we? It's easy to life with brakes, why not keep them? Because it robs all of your energy, of your potential, your health, your joy, your creativity, your sex, yourself. All of marketing is only possible because of your inner depletion. "Feel depressed and anxious? BUY this, consume that, achieve more, impress more, become famous. Then you will feel great!" This is marketing. The next time you see an add, be conscious of the inner need that gets triggered by it. Look at celebritys who kill themselves, look at Avicii and all the others. Success will not make you happy, no material success really. But this is what the brakes want, what marketing wants, what the scarred and humiliated child wants. Now we get a bit more practical: How do you release the brakes? First of all, this is not for everyone and if it is for you then maybe the time is not right for you. Not all people should face their trauma head on, it's the hardest thing you can do while you live. Are you ready to feel all the suppressed shit, all the tension, do you really want to know how bad things really are? Are you ready for the truth? No is a valid answer. When i first had a glimpse of truth i had a full blown panic attack and felt pretty unstable for 3 weeks. Because i had no good habits. It's important to have a somewhat functioning life with somewhat good habits before you attempt to do the deep work, it will ground you, it will give you a strong fundament you can build on. If you don't have a strong fundament a little blow of wind can knock you on your ass. So if you sleep till 1 everyday, don't have steady income and are alcoholic do not face your trauma head on, it will ruin your life. Take things slowly, start with the little things described earlier. So what can you actually do to release the tension (because that what it is) to release trauma, to finally release the brakes? There are of course many answers. There is a whole market place for those kind of things. Emotional Healing, Mental Health, Self Help, New Age Spirituality - there a millions of books, techniques, religions and products out there who claim to have the answer. Most of them are completely rubbish, scamming their way into the hearts of gullible people. I'm more on the gullible side, so i experienced the problem first hand. So here is a warning: Be careful. Don't be hyper critical of all the new age chakra interdimensional ghost healing stuff but do your research, listen to people, experiment, be open minded but carefully. I clearly have to say: I don't know the truth, i don't know what really works for you, what is really working and why. I can only share with you what helped me, what really gave me benefits. At the end of my rant i will probably share some resources with you. In the next post i will describe the most helpful techniques i found. If you are unclear about the one habit that you want to implement, choose meditation. For me it's literally THE THING that turned everything around. Meditate for 1 Year and you will be more calm, meditate for 5 years and it will radically transform your personality, your view on life, on everything. If you think i'm exaggerating you are probably right, but it really feels this way for me. It's crazy. But you have to do it right. And you have to do it daily, for at least 20 minutes (but don't start there, go with even 1 minute if the start is hard for you) At first you will obsess about techniques, "AM I DOING IT RIGHT??" This will be probably your neurotic response to your first meditation sessions. It's normal but a distraction. Technique is a distraction. Thinking is a distraction. Almost Everything is. Some months ago i noticed that even by breathing you distract yourself. What do i mean with that? Take a deep belly breath, then do it again. Focus on inhaling very deeply and cleanly. It hurts, it's not comfortable, it's not normal for you, because you get conscious of all the tension in your body, all the pain, it's all there. What do you do? You breath shallow, into your ripcage, you distract yourself. It's crazy. Breath for 10 Minutes into your belly, i bet you can't. (By the way, deep breathing is one of the technique that is working great for me) So Drop all the distractions of the mind, that is the goal. Just be, no thinking, no avoiding, no distraction. You sit, you breath, you feel, you go deeper. And deeper. Then you hit something, it scares you, you go back. Then you forget that you noticed something. Maybe you have the urge to stop meditating. Here, again, it's important to have a strong habit. Go deeper, experience the thing you are trying to avoid, just let go, fall into it. It will get easier. The first year will be hard. But stick to it, just imagine what could happen if you stick with it for 10 years. My Book recommendation: The Mind Illuminated. Great for Beginners, almost no bullshit, very comprehensive mediation guide. The second thing i recommend is body work: stuff like working out, yoga, deep breathing, and lastly bioenergetics. The Tension, the brakes, are stored directly in your body. Do you have chronic pain with unknown or mysterious cause, some psychosomatic symptoms maybe? In most of the cases it is because of stored trauma. Shamans knew it, but now the west is catching up. Release the tension, release the trauma, set your energy free. Then you can finally be yourself again, talk and walk like you really are. When you release energy, you can fuel it in your work, you will be more productive, more energetic, people will notice. You will be more attractive, more glowing. I don't want to sell you anything, it is reality. But it's hard work. The most effective thing i found is bioenergetics, and it's shocking that so few people know about it. Basically you create tension in your body while breathing deeply, you hold it, feel the pain, pain gets released, more energy. I could talk a lot about this but i will simply link you a youtube channel that helped me immensely https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCziZ5Oc96aEp735kJupZLiA He has a Playlist on Bioenergetics and a shit tons of exercises and workouts. If you do all the workouts you will be a different person, you confront your trauma head on and it hits you hard. So be careful and don't over do it. Yoga is also great, combine it with meditation and clean eating and you will feel great. There is so much stuff to discover. I finally startet with lifting weights and i already can see positive effect it has on my psyche. TLDR: Habits >Change your Life by changing your habits >only one habit at a time >contemplate deeply: wich one habit, when done every single day of my life, will bring me the most reward over time? >do it first thing in the morning until it's a part of your identity Compound Effect >constant small effort over time creates incredible, exponential growth >Every small success speeds up the progress >One good habit will create a ripple effect that brings micro habits, wich brings more success wich brings more momentum >Worship Exponential Growth >It will take years Brakes >You are afraid of your own potential >Your true motivation is to hide away from your trauma >material success will not fill the hole >Face the Trauma, release the pain, get your life back >Do it slowly, do it in a controlled way, have your shit together before going deep Techniques >Meditation >Yoga >Bioenergetics >Psychotherapy >Lifting Weights and Sport in general >creating authentic art Books Emotional Healing: Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, The Sedona Method, The Work by Byron Katie, The Gift of Imperfection Productivity: The One Thing by Garry Keller, Essentialism, The Bullet Journal Method Other Stuff: Meditations by Marc Aurel, Siddhartha by Hesse, Psycho-Cybernetics, Mastery by Leonard Youtube Channels Bioenergetics: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCziZ5Oc96aEp735kJupZLiA The greatest Self Help Resource on Earth: https://www.youtube.com/user/ActualizedOrg

Firstly, I know this is a long post. If you’re not up to it then it’s okay to just pass over it. There’s no way to make this a brief post and expect anyone to understand this situation. Questions would inevitably ensue so the lack of brevity here is a preemptive attempt to lay-out the facts. 10 months ago I had an awakening. I’d been doing vipassana meditation for a few months, new to meditation, for stress management. The level of anxiety I endured for as long as I could remember finally broke me from being able to hold down a job by age 32. I’d taken about every antidepressant and sedative on the market to manage the anxiety and I was done. I was unable to meditate until last year. Monkey Mind tormented me. It wasn’t just internal yammering away incessantly; it was abusive. My life was hell until 3.5 years ago when I made several lifestyle amendments including a cross-country move, dietary and social changes. Basically, I denounced intimate relationships and stopped compromising my diet for others and started living the way I always wanted, alone. Well, as alone as I could get on a very limited budget with a roommate. I began practicing mindfulness. It all started with 4 alarms I programmed on my phone to go off during the day which said: Be here now. Observe without attachment. It was as close to mediation as I could get. It was the segue to actual meditation. I began the 2+-year process of coming off the 12, yes 12, prescription medications I was on, half of which were sedating. The rest were to manage side effects and asthma the latter of which was perpetuated by anxiety. It was a terrible process but my determination and mindfulness practice is what got me through it. I also augmented my 30-year hatha yoga practice of :30 per day, 3 times per week to include vinyasa at about :60-:90 per day, daily and started to run. My CNS began to heal. The body felt amazing! Still, the anxiety persisted. I had trouble in social situations, feeling awkward and exposed. I ventured further into solitude. Then, after getting off of a pain medication I was on for 5 years, Lyrica, the last of the mood-altering substances, which took a full year, something happened. As I neared the end of the process I had these profound energy surges that I assumed were withdrawal symptoms. It was like these electric full-body, spiritual organisms, but I was atheist. So I wasn’t buying the spiritual aspect. It scared me. I thought I was having a psychotic break. My heart was doing some weird things too, having delayed and double beats. I saw my doctor about the heart thing and she refused to treat me when I told her I’d been withdrawing from the drug she’d prescribed me. She told me I was manic and that I needed an inpatient drug rehab facility. But I was already off the drug at that point. Of course, this didn’t help to ease my suspicion of a psychotic break. But it did propel me into frantic research and that’s when I found out it was kundalini activation that I had experienced. Bear in-mind now that, when I saw her, I was still having some withdrawal, was super-anxious, and so it’s reasonable for her to assume I was coming off something like heroin, which is what I think she suspected. It sure felt like it. I was wired, unable to sleep more than 4 hours per night and exhausted, very worried. I’d been like that though for 9 months. I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack, that 9 months of severe withdrawal was possibly going to kill me. Fast forward another 2 months and something strange indeed happened. Towards the end of the withdrawal process I’d developed an ability to sit still and meditate for :30 at a time a few times a day. This went on for about 3-4 months when, one day, I woke up and Monkey Mind fell silent. Also, the head-exploding anxiety I’d lived with for 40+ years had disappeared. I had this permanent smile plastered across my face like I was dosed on LSD. It was like I’d been living in 2D black & white and suddenly the world went into HD 3D! This happened COMING OFF of drugs, not from taking them. I wasn’t even ingesting caffeine at this point. Everyone around me seemed to be ‘asleep.’ With my mind quiet, I was able to ‘hear’ people’s energy signatures. That’s the best way I can describe it. This ability is with me still. I remained in this blissful, quiet state for 3 days. Then the internal chatter slowly started to creep back in but the anxiety never returned. I began intensive ego work with self-inquiry, something that always came naturally to me but was distorted by ego identification. I’d been given a gift of discernment in those 3 days, to see the division between a sense of me as an observer and my egoic identity. This changed everything. I’d figured out why I suspected a psychotic break; I had broken free of egoic control of my consciousness and ego was freaking out. I learned the difference between ‘me’ and ego. I took control. Side note: I began a spiritual path in 1985, age 16, when I read the Bhagavad Gita, Srimad Bhagavatam and some HP Blavatsky, among others. I got into Wicca, Hinduism and attended some sweat lodges which gave me some vast insight. I decided that year from then on to devote myself to perceiving reality as clearly as possible while still in the meat-suit. Familial trauma interceded though and I fell into sex & drugs, addictive living and, after 15 years of addiction-laced spirituality I became staunchly atheist. So spirituality isn’t new to me. It’s just that I never broke free from the hypnotic spell of egoic consciousness. But I never, ever felt like I belonged anywhere with anyone. I never identified with people I knew. This is what propelled me to constantly research the nature of reality. I always knew I was somehow privy to something just out of view. I wanted to know what that was It’s been about 10 months since that glorious 3 days. But for the past 6 months I’ve been plagued with a ceaseless fatigue. I’m tired... All. The. Time. I stopped drinking coffee because I’d been leaning too heavily on it, fatigue seeping in. Also, in this 10 month period since my awakening I’d developed gut dysbiosis to the point where I had to give up my vegan diet in lieu of the Gaps Intro Diet. The asthma worsened because of the gut-thing and I was on 4 meds just to breathe. I was distressed about all that but determined to regain my health. In the course of the last 2 years since embarking on Lyrica WD I lost a whopping 45 pounds, that’s about 40% of my current weight, which is on the lean side of healthy now. I’m almost done with the Gaps Diet as my gut has almost entirely healed. The body has been through a lot. Fatigue is to be expected from such a journey but it’s been over 6 months and I’d like to know WTF is going on. I know Ken Wilbur suffered CFS and I read that Leo’s dealt with it too, that there is a connection with awakening. What is it? How to resolve it? I’ve since switched doctors. I’ve had a barrage of labs done, seen some specialists and, so far, no diagnosis has been made, not even CFS. The only suspicious test result my GP came up with was slightly elevated cortisol so I quit caffeine, except a very small amount of black or green tea in the mornings. My doctors have no idea what’s going on. I’ve been told I’m, “a Unicorn of Allopathic Medicine,” and “a Conundrum Wrapped in a Mystery,” by one doctor and, “a Sensitive Flower,” by another. While sweet and humorous, it’s no help. I figured I’m on my own. Googling “Spiritual Fatigue,” brings up all manner of monotheistic BS... something to do with obedience to Jesus fatigue or some pre-rationalist crap. Also no help. I’ve read from some new age sites that my body is trying to integrate cellular downloads from alien entities. I can imagine this but can’t quite grok the fullness of that theory, struggling to be open-minded about it. Anyway, those folks say it only lasts a few days. The closest thing I’ve found to resonate with me is the idea of cellular memory. After 40 years of head-exploding anxiety and then one day POOF it all disappears it’s reasonable to assume that the body hasn’t caught up with this new consciousness. It’s as if the consciousness has moved on and left the body behind. It makes sense but the ego gains no satisfaction from this as it can’t be proven. I continue to research and self-inquire. Another thought is this: Ever feel less than stellar but have a long, physically exerting day of work to do so you push through and kinda numb-out to the work? Then, when you get home at the end of it all and relax, you realize how much tension you held and how exhausted you really are and can’t get off the couch? Well, imagine that day lasted 40 years. Yeah, I’m tired. That’s my analogy. Maybe it’s just that simple and I should just go with it, rest. But then I’ve been athletic my entire life, mostly egoically motivated. So I kinda cling to the notion that I could be doing better with the body. Since I’m not motivated as much by ego it’s hard to find the resolve. I dunno. I keep hearing the adage, “though shalt not should on thy self.” I feel stuck. Should I be worried about this fatigue? I feel so limited. So this is where I am with it all. To be clear, I don’t drink alcohol or take any mood altering substances, except a tiny bit of tea in the mornings. I take naps everyday, something I’ve never done before. I’m sleeping about 9 hours per night but I’m still not really feeling rested when I wake up. My yoga asana practice has come to a grinding halt. When I do it I tremble through a :20 hatha session. I still do vipassana and some chakra alignment work. I’m interested in Kriya Yoga and plan to start that next month when finances allow. Money is very tight. I’d hire Leo for coaching but my financial situation simply won’t allow for it. I’m on my own. I’ve made posts about this in other forums but the responses I get yield nothing I haven’t already considered. It’s that or I get the equivalent of chirping crickets, nothing. I’m in no-man’s land. Have you had this kind of fatigue following such an awakening? I realize I’m in a vast minority of people who’ve had such an awakening and that most who do have a gradual experience. Mine was abrupt. I figure it’s a shot in the dark but I also figure this might be a good place to inquire into others’ personal insight. I’ve been watching Leo’s videos and have found some confirmation of my own experiences there. It seems that most of what I read elsewhere is elementary. What I found revelatory just a few months ago now seems simplistic and sometimes even a little nutty. I’m growing/evolving at at an accelerated rate. I feel different today than just 2 weeks ago! It’s downright dizzying. Leo’s videos strike a cord in me, have relevance. So here I am. Any thoughts? Thanks.

ok it was not about shaming you, or telling you weather i think you are racist or not - it was about trying to tell you what you don’t understand in a language you might understand. because i was not so sure what you might understand or not. although i’m not so sure if your friend might not be in a serious situation of alien abduction. maybe you need to rescue her! seriously why don’t they teach this in school? it’s unbelievable for me.

Just a reminder to myself - Never world Never to dabble into ghosts, paranormal, supernatural, aliens, UFOs, cryptids, ancient cultures, sasquatch, strange artifacts, strange places, creepy stories, occult, occultism, witchcraft, vampirism, magic, psychic powers, mediums, faith healing. Supernatural claims, NDE claims, spontaneous healing claims, christ testimonies, identifying as someone else ex elf, strange disappearances, Esp, demonology, tarot reading, divination, ancient aliens, afterlife stories, weird things, illuminati, conspiracy theories, fortune telling, numerology, time travel, alien abductions, cheap cgi effects, demons, monsters, ouija boards, time slips, men in black, cursed objects, curses, strange deaths, shrines, high strangeness, occult books, occult artifacts, haunted buildings, places, good luck symbols, energy of crystals, creepy pasta

@Joseph Maynor YES!! My experience is much more similar to hers than Leo's Having said that: 1. She says that everything and nothing is a stepping stone and she derives that reason from her experience as just 'nothing' and no 'everything'. My experience is the same as hers, I experience literally nothing and I have no idea what Leo means by 'everything' or I've never experienced 'everything' before. Yet I have a feeling that this is an interpretative difference rather than experiential difference, and not because Leo is less advanced than her. Leo might be trying to say everything as in form rather than formless, but I'm not sure. 2. Totally agree with her when she says awakening has nothing to do with changing facts. In my awakening experiences, facts do not change only your perspective of it. Yet at the same time, what DOES change facts(like the physical world being made up) is actually not consciousness work but philosophy work: reading philosophy, intellectual contemplation, etc.. I think Leo mixes consciousness work up with intellectual work, hence he thinks that awakening experiences cause you to loose sense of physical reality or any other relative facts. relative facts only change when you do a lot of intellectual contemplation work, or in other words, authentic western science. 3. Totally agree with her with the lower self and higher self. She said Leo thinks there is a higher self, but in her experience she has only experienced nothingness. I experience the exact same. When I experience no ego, I don't get an experience of being god. I just get an experience that I do not exist. Like whether I'm god, or a self, or a lamp or an alien is totally irrelevant. The whole trying to identify yourself as something game drops away, and hence I do not experience myself as 'God' Reality is just existing the way it is, there is no identification at all. So yeah don't get at all what Leo means by we are 'God' 4. Again agree with her with the distinctions. But again, I think that's because she doesn't do much intellectual contemplation.

I smoked 10mgs in a glass pipe. Sandwiched with mullein leaf. I was worried it wouldn't work. But as soon as I took the first rip, I took another hit and everything cherried then proceeded to hold it in for as long as possible. I looked down at my hand and could see tracers kindof tracing into my beds quit pattern at which point I knew it was coming on and I just lied down. I guess I closed my eyes too. My sense of self and reality completely dissolved. What happened next is difficult to describe. I didn't resist it at all. As @Leo Gura said way back in this thread, I shutter to even imagine anyone resisting THAT. I guess you could say I saw fractals. Infinite fractals. Infinite patterns. Infinite colors. Impossible to put into words. It was like a full body cosmic orgasm. Everything was swirling and swooshing. Then there was darkness, which turned into more patterns. Which then turned into a central point, which moved around. Pulsating and swirling in the most beautiful geometric pattern I have ever seen. Nothing was good, nothing was bad. It just was. Again, even this description doesn't do it justice. When I came out of it , its like reality reappeared, in the opposite fashion of dissolving. I had my eyes fixated on this center point on a wall and it was like that center point was going "ohm" (without any noise) then I looked up at the ceiling and could still see patterns going on. Similar to how you look up at the ceiling and "trip" on other phycs. But this time, more beautiful patterns than I have ever seen. Literally all I said was WOW. Like 7 , 8 or 10 times. With the biggest shit eating grin on my face. Still in pure Ecstasy. I asked my sitter if I moved around, or grunted and groaned. And he said I didn't do anything. "your eyes were fluttering like crazy tho" All I could think was nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. (In the best way possible tho) . My ego goals of money, sex, life, image. Nothing mattered. All were/are irrelevant. For a bit I felt like I was on mushrooms visually. But then the "normal" state came back within 10 minutes or so. Apparently the whole experience lasted only three minutes, which blew my mind. It's like being back in this body feels so alien. Like, this reality is the dream and that is the true self (without being a self at all) . Just a completely mind blowing experience. I also remember thinking that everyone needs to try that, at least once, at any cost. It will completely change your life. I can't imagine what 20mgs would do if that was just 10mgs. I'll probably try the 12mgs and 15mgs that I prepared just to see. cause don't know if I'm more tolerant to it now or not. Also, gonna try it a few more times before my parents get back, and if I have the same experience in terms of my body not moving or grunting or anything, then I know I can safely do it on my own. I didn't eat anything for 4 hours before had. Didn't eat any processed foods, just a lot of macadamia nuts , some mushrooms and some celery. Didn't drink any water for 2 hours prior too. But yeah. Just wow. I picked up "Entheogenic Liberation" by Martin Ball on audible and will be going through it this weekend, to help me integrate. Might even do mushrooms today. Just because. As I said before, nothing matters anymore ! <3

Organic and 100% whole is always going to be better and healthier and less chance of obesity because you are getting nutrients/nourishment rather than empty calories like white processed flour or fast foods(mcdonals ect..) which have about 10-20% of the nutrient density of whole and 80-90% empty mass which makes the body work very hard because there is no nutrients, no minerals thus its like eating a blob of glue with your meals the body has a hard time what to do with this alien source of false-nourishment. IMO Gluten is gluten, it causing a glue-like lining in our bodies and prevents us from absorbing nutrients properly and all the excess = weight gain. I never had problems with bread or animal products but after i started fasting i noticed how much they damage our bodies and shitty they make us feel because when you fast you become hyper-aware so you can notice the slightest difference which comes in handy, rather be super-sensitive than numb and slowly dying especially today's poor processing and quality of foods. If you want to eat these things at least always look for Whole, 100% Organic, Grass-Fed, Raw, UnHomogenized/Unfiltered, Fermented, Wild Sourced/Crafted/Caught ect.. Always read the ingredients because many of them are false-advertised as for example many breads i read say wholemeal, organic ect.. but in the ingredients its like 10% wholemeal the rest white-flour and chemical additives/preservatives ect.. same for everything else.

If you want to experience infinite fractal and visuals AND the feeling of leaving your body; floating around these majestic scenes, then you should probably try Ketamine, at a dose high enough to induce these states. A little history about me: I live in NJ which is a huge place for house music and drugs. The typical drugs people do here are cocaine, mollies, and ketamine. I've done a ton of drugs in my day but the one that changed a lot was when I realized how ketamine can be used outside the club scene. Ketamine sends you into a "hole" which seems like an infinite strange loop...its not pleasant if your ego wants to escape it. IF you learn to sit there in peace, you will realize you're at the singularity prior to the big bang. I recall one trip where I was this black orb, forever folding on itself; I could feel the immense pressure and loneliness, until I decided to become everything else via an explosion. The out of body experiences of literally floating around your living room are amazing. You literally flung around, like a roller coaster but without the stomach anxiety, into space, the clouds, and all sorts of different "rooms" your mind creates. Amazing and wonderful PERFECT structures which sometimes resemble gothic cathedrals and so on. In regards to fractals, sometimes you will this language which looks like some alien writing, consntaly being written forever; its the only thing you see. Sometimes you will see basic structures like squares building entire cities, which then your eye zooms out and see an INFINITE plane being built. It is certainly an amazing drug. I am not sure that it serves the same purpose as 5meo DMT, but from what reports I've read, 5meo doesn't have any OBEs. I have done DMT before and I enjoyed it, but I have no access to 5meo DMT. Of course I wish we could ask but its not allowed on the forum so I have to continue to try and find it myself, but ketamine should be easier to find for most people. Anyway, if you haven't tried it or have done it in a club or something, do it at home instead. Take enough and put on some headphones while listening to some new-age or trance-like music. It can be snorted or injected into the muscle. I know the last one sounds like crack-head status, but its not intravenous and that is actually how your supposed to take it for medicinal purposes. During surgery, an anesthesiologist will sometimes give you Ketamine intravenously, but that is with them using pharmaceutical grade, FDA approved vial; so DO NOT take it IV at home, ever. Anyone who takes insulin for diabetes or steroids for hormone replacement therapy should not have any negative feelings about intermuscular injection. Snorting does work, perhaps does last slightly longer, but takes a lot more and has less visuals unless you take a lot. The side effects are a 'clouded head effect' the next day feeling nauseous, plus a nose full of crusty salt that you need to clear out. Intermuscular injection has virtually no side effects and hits faster, but lasts not as long, but the visuals are more potent and will cause a OBE. Anyway, that's my input on this subject.

@bejapuskas that time will come, but not right now. I'm just starting with pick up, I haven't experienced an insight to transcend it. Also pick up makes me feel less attached right now. It's more that I feel like an alien in my college. I know I need mistakes, but I do experience fear of failure which sucks. I do see my overall growth improving, so things will work out naturally if I keep on track I think.

It depends on what you call samadhi. Different people use different definitions, where they make distinctions between stages of samadhi or call those stages some other name and give the label samadhi to the highest experience. If you have had only single samadhi experience then it's hard to pinpoint where it exactly belongs. The whole thing is further complicated by the fact that these experiences come in many flavors. The one samadhi that had happened to me came in a "no-self flavor". That means I forgot my name, who I am or what I think I am and everything became one, then bliss filled the whole space. The concepts of me and mine became very alien, they were perceived like a costume that I could choose to wear or not. I believe it was a lesser samadhi, so others may give you a deeper, more accurate answer of how it feels.

Man what a time for her to bring up something like that, or maybe she didn't realise it would have such a drastic effect. Also, if you hadn't been expecting a trip of that magnitude it must have really thrown you. I'm nervous about trying DMT. I might skip to 5-MeO instead as I don't know if I can handle how warped it is, with all the alien entities etc. For me LSD is strong as hell and I'm only done up to 300ug. Each trip is a life-changing experience and is do damn intense, if DMT is much much stronger than that....well, maybe I should be brave. Have you tried it again since?

past the expiration date. My memory's still scrambled eggs, but I am able to function like a normal human (for the most part). As I write this, I sense that I have nothing to write about. My memory's so gone that I can barely remember anything noteworthy that's happened over the past day, or week for that matter. Perhaps there is one noteworthy thing. My time has expired at this intentional community. I feel like I've learned all that I needed to learn here, and I'm ready to move onwards to focus on my art. I think I'll make a separate post outlining the pro's and con's of living in this community for six months, as it'll probably be a long list. My current issue is finding a place to rent. (I'm not allowed to return to the parents' place.) The Universe is not presenting me with any resonating options, so I've been kind of a sitting duck at the community, somewhat squeamish to leave. Perhaps the Universe is toying with me and waiting for me to be more content with where I am before It presents my next step. Who knows. I'm sure something will surface in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I'll keep craigslist-ing and asking friends and acquaintances. It does feel indicated that I stay in the area for the spring and summer. When it comes to musical performance, I'm not emotionally ready to tackle a bigger town. In 2017 I pushed myself way too hard in a bigger town, and it reflected in my diet and lifestyle. I burned out completely and went into a deep depression, which is why I had to retreat to my parents' small town. Nowadays, I'm respecting my body and cultivating my passion at a slower, more enjoyable pace. That's a natural byproduct of all of the self-love stuff I've been doing lately, too. I feel like an alien with this memory thing. It seems that the "depersonalization" stuck. I still have plenty of triggers and negative emotions, but they're not as heavy as they used to be. I have general sensations of self, but they're all individual strands of a web, and I see that no one particular strand of the web is "me". This stacked with the broken memory, I don't really know who or what I am anymore. It's a total mystery. And the weird part? I'm not that concerned.

This is my first time writing to anyone so please just one openminded person can read this without thinking about my English try understanding what feedback you guys can give me. Thanks for your time. So where Should i start Since i moved to Sweden with my older brother and my mom from war and terror from the Jugoslavien war. I was about 4 years old when We came here and now im 23. I want to cut to the main Subject put then you guys would't have the correct information to give me feedback so hang on. It would mean a lot to me. We didnt only run from the war but also from my father. This man i never have meet and always hateful from all the stories ive been told. He was always drunk, gambeling, cheating and worse of all extremily aggressiv towards my mom and my older brother, i was not even born when i heard that he was so angry and my brother that was only 5 when i kicked him repititly over and over again like my brother was a full grown man. This had its mark still today and constant reminder of the devil left his mark on my brother. In Jugoslavia the war between bosnia and serbia where cousins where shooting eachother also left its mark to. I would t never ser my self as weak or a victim put the circumstances are to much to handle. I am born in serbia my my native languague is romani also known as gypsys. Yes the one you can dress as a halloween costume and the people who steal and is always lying. My Mother meet my stepfather when they where in Berlin and he was also in search for a better life. So they moved to a smal city in Sweden where people from same country that had war aginst eachother live and are neighbors. The thing is that all around us there are people who really hate us. I dint care but my brother did. It grow a big anger in him that still today exist. When you think the worse part is has been said, its not. My Stepfather is Bosnian. And you think ah thats good? Right? Kind of romantic to hear even in so so much hate, there is love . Yes but not from in my lifestory. Its not that his the problem because of is nationality and well not everything is wrong with him and the opposite, but atleast he dont drink, och or is utterly aggressive. Growing up me and my brother where lost. I was always very playfull and like to have a good time no matte with who, i was i happy kid but not grounded. My brother felt that he needed to protect me and himself because the school that we went where the majority of the kids in school is 80%{bosnian, albanian, gypsy and arabish) the other is other country and only a few swedish people because the swedish people didnt want there kids next to a sober and school full of immigrants. The thing is parents have so strong hold on their children especially of what they are told to believie. Everyone hated us and its wasnt talked behind our back put infront of us. I was to embarrest to say im rom from serbia so i always said im bosnian. Growing up like this was hard for a kid to grasp, to much to handle. The most fucked up part is that my Mother didnt speak to us in romani so atleast We could be with people that We know. So the you can imagine how difficult it was. My brother got beaten and I by guys bigger them him calling him racist things and because of their parents talking about my mom and my stepfather the "taboo" of being with an ortodox rom serbish woman with two kid from another man was a big deal. It was i nightmare.. And he handle it with anger. He starter beating every kid that made fun of us. Even if the age difrence between my brother that was maybe 13 was beating kids that was 17 because he is so strong. He started to train hard and became more and more aggressive. Soon he was hanging out with people who are much older then him and where orten in some criminal activity. Im not saying he is always aggressive he always had a big heart but sometimes too big to handle. So much grief so much pain, stress confussion, lost of idwntity and so on. The thing was that stepfather never played a role of being a father to us and from that my brother noticed and put big boundories between them telling him that even if you are with my mom i will never in my life accept you. For me it was driffrent. I always saw him as a lazy father but when i was like 7 - 9 years he told me to not call him father. Instead his name. It was a terrible feeling.. In class our the Subject of hate where gypsys, serbia people and for me the one that Hurt me the most wasnt that. It was when people would start talking about how their father. My father is best and what a kid would say so Nice things about their parents but i could never relate and The only picture of my father is a drunk abusive idiot who best the shit out of my mom and my brother everytime they wheir in their ways even when she was pregnant and was having me he kicked her in the stomach. He beat her so bad the neighbors would Come and trying to stop it but this was in serbia and people where very old school and The Police dindt really give a shit about gypsys because Hey! Serbian people hate us to. What im trying to say is that all this concicences made brother to a man with very strong emotions, very manipulative, stealing, , very aggressive when he dont have controls ovee others, like a paraiste he clinge to me for i am the only person who always trying to help him but at the same time trying to run away from everything because i am a alien compared to everyone i know. For him losing me is a constant reminder that he dont have anyone and even if he has a kid now and living with a girl that he really drain her energy of all the problems he always make. It can be like something u said put even if you dindt meant it like that he takes very Very Very personal and he is saving all those bad memoriws and talk about them all the time if not that he is taking pills and can act really depressive. I dont know how to say this but what can i do. I really really need help. I can cut him out of my life because i dont have any friends. All my friends are living in other places srätudying and im sittning here still confused of what i want to be and how to fucking live a normal life even if you are not talking to anyone besites my mom and my sstep brother and sister that are to be with. I only have him and he only has me. We are like defenitin of ying and yang but in this storie its diffrent its to much hell, criminal activity, paranoia, hate, confussion and not enough of postitivity, love respect and strong since of self. I Thank everyone who would read this, i am a big fan of Leo and he helped me out with many of the things i needed to deal with difficulties. And I was thinking that i really need someone to write to to reach to. Thank you all for your time. //DN

It has happened many times by now... Sometimes I have very good days when I meditate a lot and I am very aware and present. When I go to rest at night sometimes my mind switches off and for some seconds I become pure floating, boundless consciousness, amazing but terrifying. As I drift to sleep I begin having sleep paralysis, weird dreams where I bounce between infinite consciousness and terrible vivid nightmares. Two fears come to life: I am sleeping and someone is entering my house trying to rob/hurt me or some otherworldly being like a demon/alien is trying to posses me/hurt me. They are incredibly vivid and the fear is very intense, such that many times I wake up screaming. I don't have these fears normally, this only happens if I was meditating a lot during day, it feels like my subconscious opens up to reveal hidden fears. In order to sleep peacefully I have to "numb" myself before bed, thinking of all sorts of things, which is frustrating because if I do that I no longer have the beautiful no-mind, no-self, boundless conscious moments. I wonder if anyone experienced something similar or if you have any advice on how to deal with it. Thank you. (I have to mention I grew up in an abusive home, and lived constantly in fear and terror of my father. There was a lot of humiliation, psychological and verbal abuse. I was not sexually or physically abused, but I witnessed that towards my mother. I did several years of psychotherapy and inner self work (around 9 years now) to solve all the issues I had because of my upbringing. I am fine now, I think I got over traumas and eveything, but these fears that surface only in sleep after an intense aware day make me think there is something very deep hidden and I really don't know how to tackle it.)

Are you an alien girl ? your eyes tell me the contrary, wish to love.