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About kieranperez

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  • Birthday 05/10/1995

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    San Francisco, California
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  1. I think it’s time I depart from this forum. I’m using this platform as a crutch and I know there are genuine users on here that in a sense serve a support system but I don’t think it’s enough for me personally. I feel like I’m getting to a point mentally, emotionally, and in my utter just self-hatred and my life as a whole where I feel like I’m going down a path that might leading towards somewhere bad (I don’t want to say suicide because I thought I was personally past this in my life and thought I was done with but I feel like this might go there unless something changes) and I really don’t want my life to go that way. I don’t want to die this way and I feel like I don’t get the help or support system I need and I feel awful writing the same damn long posts just basically crying out for help. My life has no direction at all, I’m at home still, haven’t dated for almost 3 years, have like no friends anymore, live in a city I’m losing my mind in, and can’t stand waking up in the morning knowing from the moment I open my eyes that it makes no difference whether or not I get up because I have nothing going for me and nothing I really feel like I can actually do or any support system I can rely on as a bar to climb up a long staircase. I thought my life was going to be more than this and I’m afraid I’m going to waste my life and I feel like this forum is just becoming a place where I waste my time on because deep down I know I’m not strong enough or capable of getting a single dream, ambition, anything of mine actually accomplished anymore. I hope my comments and posts on here have helped at least some of you. I don’t know what I’m going to do, where or who I can go to for help, how I’m going to turn this around, who I can actually talk to, where I’m going to turn this around to, what I actually want. I don’t want to blame parents, teachers, whoever because really at this point my life has just been built on an extremely dysfunctional and rotten foundation. For those who actually have given supportive words of encouragement, thank you. It has meant something but it’s hard for it to make an impact just from the fact that it’s just more stuff over the screen and no one in my actual life. Lastly, thanks @Leo Gura. I’ll still watch the videos.
  2. Your "analysis" is just a perfect example of how much people project onto authentic people and how much people are governed by wild imaginations. 1:02 to 1:30 says it all.
  3. For real though. I'm listening to MIKE TYSON talking about his enlightenment experience... LOL WHAT?!?! What planet am I on?! This is fucking amazing. The moment I heard "toad" I knew where this was going and I was like "NO FUCKING WAY. THIS IS NOT GOING WHERE I THINK IT'S GOING!" That was truly an amazing podcast episode. I'm honestly happy for him. I think Mike Tyson's background is a bit of an exception to most sports icons giving his above average abusive background and also the fact that he's a fighter not some basketball or tennis player but he really displayed really well in this podcast just how much better it is to drop the facade of being the best in the world and all the narcissism that tends to come with. I really think he shed light on that perfectly because I don't think a lot of people understand fully well how unhappy, neurotic, dysfunctional, etc. these extreme winners actually are such as Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, David Goggins, etc. Not because they're bad people per say but more on the fact that that's not something worth looking up to and I think Mike's 5-MeO experience really shed that light on how insignificant all of that is and also how toxic it is. You can really feel how much he wants to be done with that. I listened to a really liberated man. Not spiritually or anything but someone who has outgrown that level of narcissism. This guy came from a fucking ROUGH background. Glad to see he's moved on. @ajasatya I remember talking to you on another thread about why I don't resonate with Goggins. Listen to this podcast and that'll shed more light. This is what that guy is really missing.
  4. Accept her. She doesn’t need to be the way you want her to be. This is just a projection of your wants and expectations. If anything, everything you’re writing has more to do with you than her. Accept and love her. Offer a helping hand but if she rejects your help then that’s her. Love her fully whether she’s a bum or a success. A Zen master can still accept, love, and be with people even if they’re asleep, don’t meditate, etc. Make that a test of your acceptance. Love and accept the person in front of you (your sister).
  5. +1 Don't talk about something complex you know nothing about then.
  6. This is such a black and white portrayal of someone's future. First off, I'd say lay off your judgment and moralization of your fantasy of your sister and how you imagine she need be. Most often people go homeless because of things such as severe drug addiction. People can change over time and evolve. They don't need to take some direct self-help route. She doesn't need to work towards enlightenment or be massively successful. This black and white picture of her either going homeless or she turns it around and earns a lot of success is a juvenile assessment. If I were you I'd take some time to unwire your projections and judgments of your sister. That's her life. She will do with it however she will. Love and accept her for how she is. Start actually cultivating some compassion. Also don't confuse blind habits like going to bed early and waking up early, cold showers, blah blah blah for actual personal growth. Habits are not growth. Often it's just people sleeping on mundane rituals. Not everybody has to be enlightened, successful, etc. accept the mundane and love the mundane. You're not above your sister.
  7. Looking to meet Stage Green girls and really starting up a new healthier social life for myself. However, I'm not a bar person, I don't drink at all and I don't really party that much anymore. I really got the partying out of my system being part of the rave scene in here in the SF Bay Area in high school and what would've been early college and I don't want to meet girls that are into partying, drinking, etc. I've outgrown that and I just don't vibe with that anymore. I'm looking for more of a short/medium term relationship. However, the fact that I'm 23 and I don't party at all anymore, I don't drink at all, I'm not a bar guy makes me feel like my options for meeting girls have dwindled quite a bit. I live in San Francisco so there's not really a shortage of Stage Green girls to say the least. I don't want to go back on Tinder or dating site. I want the growth from actually meeting girls, putting my ass on the line and so forth. Meeting girls on Tinder gives me the same feeling I get after I eat at McDonald's, needs got met but feel sick after. What are some potential options that are relatively low cost? Are meetup groups worth a shot? Ideas? NOTE: I'm not going to do the whole, go to bars sober and hit on girls who are drinking/drunk. That doesn't sit well with me and in my opinion, is downright creepy and manipulative.
  8. A big picture overview of the different types of yoga, spiritual practice/traditions, etc. Such as: Shamanism Occult Sciences Paranormal Sadhanas Mantra Yoga Contemplative Christianity Spiritual Purification Practices Other spiritual uses of psychedelics beyond Truth realization Occult/Paranormal Facets of Buddhism Daoist/Taoist Practices Shugendo Native American Nonduality Central/South American Nonduality
  9. Yes through a Stage Green lens. The degree of his understanding I think is to miss the point. We'll honestly never know that. Just like you can't know what enlightenment is so long as you never had an enlightenment experience. I think Ram Das did a great job playing the role pushing the envelope with spirituality in the 60s & 70s and the influential role he's had on so many other influential people like Steve Jobs. For those that may be discouraged by Ram Das being Green, I don't think we can really ask for more. He was living in a very strict Blue/Orange world and he really helped lead that demolition and bring forth Green and allow Green to flourish more in the states which has allowed and paved the way for further evolution and development.
  10. Oh okay. I’m not going nuts
  11. Did something happent to my individual post?
  12. Don’t worry. Your reading skills are working just fine. 30:30
  13. So to answer my question point blank, you think this wasn’t samadhi? Edit: sorry I read that wrong. I thought you said I can’t achieve samadhi WITHOUT effort.
  14. I can’t do what? Btw, lessons and important insights: Learning = observation is SO fucking powerful. If you go deep enough with this you can access now ways and modes of thinking that transcends all linguistic linear thought and tap into a true level of intuitive intelligence. This is a capacity you probably didn’t even know existed. I can’t explain this mechanism as it goes beyond language. Not knowing is super power. It’s really that simple as far as I’m concerned. Once you learn to REALLY not know and you see through all your accumulated “knowledge” and genuinely look at matters, questions, ANYTHING with fresh eyes like you’ve never noticed it before, you’re going to realize 1. How little you actually know, 2. Learning is infinite, and so much more. Not knowing will be like steroids for your current likely level of investigation. It also revitalizes your love for everything because you literally start seeing life like a child again. You break past all your accumulated bullshit and the wonder and mystery is back. You don’t know ANYTHING and it’s fucking beautiful when you genuinely get to that point.