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About kieranperez

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  • Birthday 05/10/1995

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  1. “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.” - Hegel
  2. This podcast you listed is about a guy who had trauma that was misdiagnosed for OCD. Real OCD is something that tends to manifest as a developmental disorder but is usually just addressed with a 3rd person objective lens in terms of cognitive strategies through day to day life to cope and pharmacological treatments at the level of the brain (given the confusion and conflation between mind and brain). ADHD is not inherently a problem. ADHD in a certain sense doesn’t mean anything as it’s not a disease like cancer where we know what it is. If you deal with a disease like cancer, you can see what it is - usually a tumor. When it comes to the domain of cognition, things are A LOT harder to mark out what’s what because all we see is general vague symptoms, we have a medical paradigm that’s grounded on false assumptions between mind and brain and the abstract nature of mind and emotions and how that impacts the brain and nervous system and so on. Having legit ADHD or OCD (which, with the conditions @Crystalous gave I wouldn’t find it appropriate to just say he clearly does as it’s so vague) tends to be an issue in a lot of modern societies because, at least here in America, we have antiquated school systems that range from traditionalist to a post modern value system, all of which are a fucking mess which right then and there could be the heart of these issues given that there’s more reason to suggest that this stuff could be developmental traumas. When I speak of OCD or ADHD, I’m talking about stuff that traces back pretty much cover the entire course of sometimes life. These terms are so easy to through around because it’s convenient given that we live in a world filled with pseudo psychologists. The most important thing I think about dealing with this stuff was actually highlighted in that podcast - if someone wants to deal with this stuff... THEY have to be the source of the solution. Not some gimmick or magic technique or practice. This work is NOT fun and usually very uncomfortable. There is no magic pill or meditation practice, technology, etc. that’s going to do it. That’s not really news people (including me) ever want to hear because it’s a lot more convenient (understandable why that would be desired) to have some teacher say “just do this” or outsource stuff to some self-help teacher or any other kind of teacher or even doctor (not that it’s wise to ignore them) rather than take responsibility for ones condition. Also keep in mind that not all tendencies of mind can be changed and I would question any thought that says one has to - because it’s not true at all. Sometimes this stuff has deeper desires to live a life that’s more suitable and enjoyable rather than trying to just live like everybody else.
  3. @StripedGiraffe the most misunderstood thing with all such notions about "collective awakening" is that it suggests that groups are intelligent. Groups are NOT intelligent. Groups don't have a dominant central monad. Only individuals awaken.
  4. I’m not telling you you should do anything. You’re going to do what you want and that’s up to you. As far as your conditions... yeah welcome to the club my friend lol. Do you think you’re alone in that? I used to shake an entire classroom with my foot shaking, got made fun of for meds, special ed, failed school despite being smart and dropped out of college, etc. That’s part of life. This is the hand your dealt with and I can appreciate the struggle with that. It’s fucking hard when the entire societal system doesn’t accommodate people like us. I dealt with being suicidal throughout my teenage years while dealing with dealing with a crumbling family and watched my mom attempt suicidal weekly for about a decade and until my family collapsed. That’s part of life and First Noble Truth in Buddhism (Dukkha): life is suffering. And I can tell you from personal experience that I wasted years of my life having a pity party that got me nowhere. The reality is you don’t have to do anything about this. I’m telling you this is something that you can take on if you want to. I’ve had psychosomatic trauma in my chest where I can’t breathe and I was trying to meditate and I spent YEARS trying to find ways to sit down while having all of my stories about why I can’t... Until I met the Zen master that I referenced in my first comment and that shut all of my excuses up. I’m telling you that this is something I think you can address if you want to. I don’t care what you do. Maybe your meds will work out. My bet is that they won’t as I’ve yet to see a case even outside myself that it does work. Traumas are fixable... if you want to fix them and I want to invite you to see that your rationalizations on your story (which I’m not dismissing at all) communicates that you don’t want to do the work towards the solution you say you want. I’m telling you that you from personal experience right now, having adhd, that you don't need to not have adhd to have an enlightenment experience. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. I have other friends who are conscious of their true nature and have had it worse than me (and I haven’t met many that have had worse adhd cases than me). Leonardo da Vinci was enlightened and that dude had ADHD as the case with many others and the more conscious “you become”, the more you’ll be able to deal with the root of this issue most likely. Take what you will from this and I invite you to take responsibility and be honest with yourself on this because this can be turned around (I think - maybe I’m wrong). All the best. Done with this thread. Take care all of you.
  5. Don’t expect that effect to last. It doesn’t. No one can say how long it will last. Sometimes that can last for a couple years but eventually your brain chemistry adapts to that and eventually your brain cannot function without the external stimulus. Similar to the problem people face when they rely on sleep medication to fall asleep. Eventually you can’t sleep without needing sleep medication and then your sleep problem continues even with the sleep medication because the root issue was not addressed. Although I won’t make a promise, I’d bet money that effect at some point or another won’t last. I know what it is you speak of given the fact that I was on EVERY ADHD medication until I stuck with adder all from the 5th grade till I was 22. It doesn’t last and it just suppresses other aspects of mind and brain. Read my prior comment.
  6. I’ll give a crack at this. @The Don All I will say is just going to be based on my own experience. I don’t know what will work for you, I don’t know what won’t work for you, I don’t know your life history, etc. Take what you will from this. First off, ADHD can be a bitch for a lot of people but first, it might be best to address your emotional relationship with this first by addressing the very fact that you don’t need to fix it. There is no ladder of things you must fix in your life. No such demand exists. I can tell you I created a lot of unnecessary suffering by making this a bigger deal emotionally through should statements. Leonardo da Vinci had ADHD so there is no necessity for you to get rid of whatever shit you’re dealing with. So please keep that in mind. ADHD, as far as I can tell (as it likely is the case for me), seems to very much stand as a developmental issue, particularly for guys with aggression that was never integrated. Aggression that isn’t integrated from a physiological standpoint seems to lead to a lot of neuroses in the body that touches on a lot of Freuds work (fixations, oral fixations, neurotic bodily compulsions, etc). As far as I can tell, to address this issue at merely a brain level misses the point. A big issue with ADHD at the level of the brain is serotonin production. Where there’s more efficient and regulated serotonin production, the body-mind is less irritable as a state experience which is what ADHD medications (which I was put on at the age of 6 till I was 22) are trying to do, roughly speaking. What’s not addressed though is the question “what is it that’s inhabiting serotonin production?” That question, as I have found at minimum for myself, is not one that can be solved at level of brain but rather at the level of mind and body (so to speak - don’t get lost on these ideas of levels. Just make the distinction between mind and brain as they aren’t the same. Brain could be seen as simply the receiver of mind). I can tell you that for me, my ADHD stems from a lack of feeling of safety and security in my body and also a lot of aggression that wasn’t never allowed given the mess of the traditional school system and post modern value structure and the way I grew up. The most important emotions I’ve had to work on big time is anger and fear. If you want to use chakras, we would be looking at the first 3 chakras. If you want to see it from a reichian body-mind/therapy perspective, we would see stuck energy or dysfunctions of some kind in that same area through the stomach. Use whatever lens you want. Just trying to give you an idea of what you might be looking at and some avenues of exploration that might be worth considering. Here’s what I’ll share as far as what’s worked for me and more importantly, what I think is worth keeping in mind if your goal is to work on this... First and foremost, this takes time. This will not likely just go away in a matter of months. There are likely deep Unconscious emotional barriers that you may have to work on exploring. These barriers are built towards certain aims you want to have for the sake of self-preservation that hide deeper desires.... let me emphasize the most important part in that: everything you experience as a subjective 1st person experience (not talking about external conditions... necessarily) you experience because you want it. The key here is deep emotional honesty. Allowing yourself to be with what it is you desire in you body mind is important and learning to accept and embrace it for what it is. If you experience anger it’s because you want to experience anger... but you may experience anger to hide the deep care you wish to express but you’re in conflict with those 2 desires and are afraid to be vulnerable. So that conflict of 2 desires must be reconciled. This is what therapy is for. Further, no amount of just following techniques blindly like it’s some machine that does something for you and something is supposed to happen is going to do it for you. Psychedelics, therapy, breath work, etc. doesn’t mean anything if you’re not involved in your own process. All of such practices are a stimulus to get you moving but if you’re not moving, then it’s pointless. I would also like you to keep in mind that your progress towards a greater and more effective experience in your own body-mind will may be directly proportional to how much you change in your life. Emotional honesty will be that guide as there is no set in stone formula or checklist that must be followed or mechanical hierarchy. Your life will unfold as you do, and you will unfold the you are (emotionally) honest with yourself. Everything you do and have ever done or experienced in life is based on what you want so you might as well get clear as to what’s driving you. Lastly, given that I know there is this misnomer, I would like to share that ADHD does not mean you can’t get enlightened or become conscious or even meditate. Let me make this very clear as someone who not only has lived life with full blown adhd and has now had multiple “enlightenment experiences” (such a can be rather misleading and I apologize) but as someone whose teacher is one of the most accomplished Zen teachers on the planet that had ADHD so bad he used to shoot up methadone as a kid in the 60s to stop his craziness (this teacher will remain nameless), I can tell you that can become conscious of your true nature while still having this going on as the Truth is not bound to a state, experience, etc. Greater consciousness does allow for a powerful way of dealing with these issues so the heart of this stuff I’ve found can be dealt with in consciousness work (depending on how we hold what that means in practice). It might just end up being the case that the more conscious “one becomes”, the more your adhd will settle down. Certain patterns of mind may or may not remain, but at a certain, it will be rather irrelevant. What you are is not your mind so it doesn’t really matter whether the mind is noisy or not. Like going out to play basketball while there’s construction going on. When you’re trying to learn certain skills, such noise can be an obstacle to being able to pay attention to learn new moves but eventually it'll just be background noise that won’t make a difference. I would also like to share this video from Jordan Peterson. This video, for me, explained so much of my own life that it was honestly shocking. There’s definitely merit in what he has to say here. Whether or not this will apply to you, I don’t know. All the best.
  7. All, I've decided that this forum has served it's purpose and utility for me. However, given the fact that I enjoy being able to provide something genuine, authentic, direct, honest, and hopefully something of value to those that may be touched by what I have to say in some way, I would like to share my path thus far and where things are taking course. Though this forum has, as it must be, plenty of users that will likely project stuff about me in the comments, I would like to suggest or invite you to consider that nothing that I share as far as the words that you read here and how you interpret it in your mind means you know about me. I use what I have to say to share a perspective that hopefully becomes one in which that may (or may not) provide either inspiration or value in some way. You are responsible with how you interpret what is written and interpretations are never the truth. With that said, here goes Life Prior to Prior to finding I had been suicidal, hospitalized, dealing with ADHD and a diagnosis of Type 2 bipolar and on 6 different medications, including ADHD medication since I was in 1st grade. Life was never exactly easy for me. I always struggled academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, etc. I almost committed suicide in both high school and my short time in college. I was incredibly depressed to the point where I was sometimes bed ridden. At the same time though, I knew that, to put it blunt, everybody was fucking crazy. Nothing really ever made much sense to me. I never understood why I could, as if, "sense" such deep inauthenticity and deep suffering in those that looked the part of having everything together. That there was something deeply fake about not only myself but also the act I saw but no one admitted. I never understood why school systems were the way they were (and how dyfunctional the way they are). I never understood religion, what the world was (even though I still had my belief systems about it - *recovering* Evangelical Atheist ), why people lived and settled for a life that was of mediocrity and joked away their clear dissatisfaction for their life, etc. The point is, despite my suffering, I knew as a result of my own ignorance, that there was something I knew that nobody around me knew... which is that we didn't know a fucking damn thing and no one admitted it. Or, put another way, I was suffering... but I wasn't stupid. By the time I was 21, I had dropped of college 3 times, had a collapsed family ridden with deep emotional issues that nobody took responsibility for that was and still is filled with deep trauma, almost committed suicide multiple times given how much I experienced such deep hate for myself, failed in pretty much everything I ever set out to do and wanted for myself, dealing with psychosomatic trauma that was through the roof, had no career, no real friends that actually cared, working part-time jobs that I resented myself for doing. I knew that, in the end, despite the mess that had been laid down upon me that was out of my control, I was (and am) the one whose responsible for it and I that I was choosing to still be where I was at and every second I didn't do something about it (over the course of months and years) I grew more mad with myself because I was betraying my heart... and that no matter what anyone said about how much of a luxury or even narcissistic it is to want that... something about not having that fundamental integrity with my heart, some "thing" that almost had nothing to do with the meat puppet that was suffering (and also everything to do with it), felt deeply wrong... and I could never let that go. And lastly... by the time I was 21 I had gotten out of a hospitalization program at UCSF, discovered motivational videos on YouTube, Tony Robbins, and then Leo. - Exactly What I Had Been Looking For My Entire Life: After dabbling with listening to hours of motivational videos, buying my first self-help book (Awaken The Giant Within), exploring Tony Robbins, I eventually found Leo's channel despite months of avoiding the video thumbnails of a guy who just made weird faces with what I thought were gimmicky titles. Boy, was that I projection I'm glad I went beyond. When I found I felt like, for the first time, I found exactly the thing, person, talk, topics, etc. that I had always been looking for. A guy who was very cheeky, honest (brutally so - which I loved), and had the fucking balls to say what he was saying. Though I initially avoided the spiritual videos, after a certain point of playing with meditation and not being able to explain why, after all my (now what I see as surface level nonsense forms of) therapy how sitting down and being aware created such a profound difference, I realized it was worth listening to what this bald dude had to see and maybe stomach the spirtual jargon. Turns out he explained perfectly well, in the way I needed to hear it, what I was coming across in my own sits of guided meditation/mindfulness/self-inquiry. Turns out he was not only right, but as if, metaphorically speaking, held a lens to a bigger picture outlook on what was and is really so about this thing called existence and how it ties with my own philosophical yearnings since I was a kid and my own suffering... and also how I was wrong about fucking everything I ever believed... and I wanted more. More than anything though, helped me reconcile with myself that that yearning I always had in my heart was not only worth following, it was the only thing to do. From one perspective, the way I saw the trajectory of my life completely changed in terms of what my more gross surface and even subtle aspirations, goals, and ideals, and values were. From a more fundamental self perspective, nothing changed. It was just more pure. I reconciled within myself that having a big, grand, noble vision for myself and what I wanted to impact this world with is something to never ever give up on. It was reenforcement for what I was knew deep down inside. I also got the education I always needed and wanted. I now had a vision for myself that exceeded even my own perfectionist ideals. Not only that, but that I myself could do it if I committed enough to it. I eventually went out to take the Life Purpose Course that I shed some hours of tears of frustration, confusion, and being downright lost digging through my mind and heart trying to find what I really wanted and what was most true to me. I spent years on that course. I exhausted that course. I listened to every video, exhausted every exercise, did all the extra reading and video material, listened to every single one of Leo's other videos, listened, watched, and studied those that served as say "archetypes" that represented that which I am most inspired by. Then my purpose became clear... and that was to know what everything is. Not just enlightenment but to understand, to make that understanding experiential. I looked at the sages and mystics of history and present today. I found Peter Ralston, Sadhguru, Ken Wilber, Leonardo da Vinci, Gautam Buddha, Christ, Pyrrho, etc. and it became clear that that was it and that that was the only thing for me. Not fit into their category and become a copy of them but as Zen Maser Matsuo Basho said best... Walking My Path: By January 2018 I got off all 6 of my psych medications. I had been on medication at that point from the age of 6 years of old till, at that point, just under 23 years old. A month after that I met my now homie through the forum @Sahil Pandit. By March of last year I finally had my first psychedelic experience and for the first time of my life, I actually loved my self and my heart blew open. By May of last year I got in contact with @Robby who is now a person I can say is a true definition of a real friend. One of those friends that comes in and changes your life. I got a chance at a job where I tested myself to truly live on my own and earn enough money working 70+ hours a week and start taking grounded ownership of my life. I then met someone who I am proud to call both a great enlightened teacher and dear, dear friend @winterknight in NYC and have stayed in touch since and is someone I can't express enough gratitude towards. I set my intent to move to Boulder, Colorado to study under a teacher Ken Wilber has openly called "one of the most accomplished spiritual teachers on the planet", Zen Master Doshin Roshi of Integral Zen and Ken Wilber himself. I succeeded and found a teacher who I resonated with probably more than with any other human. I found not only a truly deeply enlightened Zen Master but someone who was radically fucking real that had balls. I found a teacher who knew exactly my suffering because he lived it and then some. A teacher who also had ADHD, OCD, etc. and was a fucking real Zen Master. If he could do it, I can fucking do it. I got in touch with the Cheng Hsin community and stayed in contact with both Brendan Lea and of course Peter Ralston. I got the chance to talk to Martin Ball. I can now say I have more than my fair share of not only enlightened friends but more importantly, real genuine friends and mentors who are actually going to tell me the fucking truth and really care. Though my stint in Colorado didn't go exactly to plan, nothing ever does. So I am now currently back in San Francisco working a job to save money. I am moving to India in a matter of time that isn't clear yet to find a teacher and go pursue this path until there is no more pursuit. In the mean time I am now about to go to my first enlightenment intensive which be a 3-day retreat held by Joseph Rubano in SoCal in April, an Isha Hatha Yogasanas Program in March, in search for a therapist, and also plan doing some more tripping in the mean time. Though money is not exactly ideal to say the least right now and I am not progressing at the rate I want to be progressing at all, if I am honest with myself and with those of you whom read this, things in a weird way are unfolding. On the surface it isn't that tangible so much but deep down I trust I know where I am going, even though I know I can easily go or fall down a direction I don't want to go. In the end, I know what I want, I know the path, I have exhausted more conceptual study more than I think most honest people would honestly say they've ever done, and I can feel what my heart wants deep down and I'm willing to die for that. Conclusion: I would like to leave in 2 parts... First, thank you @Leo Gura. Though I've shared with you this before, whether or not you remember at all, I would've been hanging on a noose long ago if I hadn't have found your stuff. You not only changed but saved my life. Though I don't really know you I hope one day I can at least have the chance to say to your face thank you for everything and that I wish you, your channel, your work, your path, your life purpose the absolute best. I will still drop in for videos every now and then, stay a patron, and stay tuned for more so long as I am still around and need guidance from outside. Your videos ignited a fire in me when mine was almost out. Your videos never had to be as long, deep, authentic, full of heart, and honesty as they have been in order to have your success on YouTube. But they did. And even if I did have thousands or millions of dollars to pay you, I don't think that would do justice to how you've at least helped me. However indirect that help is. My heart goes out to you. Never sell out because what you've given thus far has been utterly priceless. Second, to those of you whom aren't Leo... follow your path. If we are actually serious about this path, fundamentally the only thing standing in the way is not ADHD, depression, OCD, learning disabilities, etc. it's us. There are people out there whom want to help and often takes nothing but a simple act of reaching out and asking. Our commitment to a stubborn intent that is grounded in the heart is the thing we need to listen to most. As much as that doesn't answer, it also answers everything as far as what, how, and whom we seek. Our path is ours to follow and ours alone and it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for that truth. It is up to you and I to be honest with ourselves and others. It is you and I that must become conscious and stop asking for everybody on here to give you answers. It is on you and I to seek out the therapists, resources, guidance, teachers, workshops, etc. Take nothing on faith including the words you hear from teachers that speak from a paradigm that you resonate with. Believe nothing. Question everything. Tell the truth. If you don't know what's true, that's what true. Be honest about that you don't know. Be honest about what seems to be most true for you right now in your experience and then question it. Most importantly... follow and listen to your heart. It's always known. And remember... the only reason suffering hurts is because of how much you love.
  8. What is called from some traditions as "Unknown" or "Uknowing" is the same as "Knowing" "Known". Pick your preference with words. It doesn't matter. Why do you think Ralston's book is called "The Book of Not Knowing"? Why do you think all traditions stress Not-Knowing? Or traditions that stress That which Knows? In the end, these are all words that are a description of something that is neither a thing nor can ever be described. EVER.
  9. I was going to say Big Foot or the Sasquatch that discovered Crest toothpaste but alien works too.
  10. Depends on if you know what fear is such that your relationship to it is transformed. For such a person, yes they could. However, not creating fear doesn’t mean you all of a sudden have the skill set necessary to climb that. A lot of that is not only a mental skill set but also a physical. You can be a fighter and change your relationship to fear and still be a shitty fighter and get your ass kicked. You just won’t be afraid to get your ass kicked.
  11. The video his daughter posted was quite clear. He was on a very physically addictive antipsychotic medication to deal with the suffering of his wife who was dying of cancer. As he was trying to get off the medication he suffered from a rare yet not unheard of case of absolutely devastating case of withdrawal that left him on the brink of suicide. He went for help by going to the hospital to get treatment to help himself get off the medication safely while battling the withdrawal symptoms. Let me be clear, if you have not been on a antipsychotic medication (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers to bring down bipolar people from manic episodes, etc.) you have no clue what withdrawal from those things it’s like. Pretty much all antipsychotic medication have warning labels about not getting off too quickly because the withdrawal can be so bad and so sudden you can end up killing yourself and not even know why. If you have not had this experience you have no idea the level of hell this is. You can be having a seemingly great day and within a matter of minutes after being several days off the medication you can be on the brink of killing yourself. For those using developmental models of psychological development (which are abstract conceptual generalizations of individuals, collectives/cultural memes), you are merely projecting your own ignorance on a man you don’t know. How about we express some compassion for a human being whose been going through hell rather than express petty likes and dislikes that have everything to do with mind and ego? If you’re going to try and critique, pick apart, ridicule, and delegitimize every person based on their stage of development than you’re wasting your time. Jordan Peterson is actually a very healthy Orange modernist and makes and has very useful points and perspectives on some of the problems in the world. If your case is that “well he’s just an orange rationalist who thinks logic is supreme and has no idea about God,” what exactly is the point you’re trying to make? That enlightened people are the only people worth listening to? Newsflash, the more developed you are, the more capable you are of making bigger mistakes. The more developed you are, the more capable you are of both benevolence and also malevolence. A Turquoise ashram leader who hasn’t done any shadow work is more capable of harm than a Magenta (purple) tribesman who hunts with sticks. A truly conscious person in practice is able to really learn from Peterson and appreciate the fact that he’s actually very integrated person for his altitude of development given the amount of shadow work he’s clearly done. He highlights very big real problems of both Green and Blue. Those points are worth listening to. Take what is useful, toss the rest and have compassion for another human being that’s going through hell. The odds of people who are not in the public light, not to mention how much of the public light he’s under, to handle criticism as well has he has is so extraordinarily low it would baffle you. I highly suggest to forum users that it’s wise to really appreciate, learn, integrate, and the value all the different stages of development.
  12. Projection Amen. Preach.
  13. Talented people (in sports) tend to take their talent for granted. If LeBron James was a 5'7" Jewish white dude, I don't care how hard he works, he ain't gonna be even in the D-League, much less the NBA. Talent and rigorous training. Some sports are more skill oriented than others, which in some ways levels the playing field, in other cases, it doesn't.
  14. Projection of what I’m saying but do what you will. I said nothing about anybody being good or bad. There is no good. There is no bad. There’s what they’re doing. Nonduality has no relationship to anything. The Absolute is not relative nor has any relationship to anything. I am not saying something IS hideous. Shadows are parts of personality we can’t see and disown and we relate to as if it were hideous. Just like a super model doesn’t suck the cock of some 600 pound dude who has cookie crumbs falling off his third chin. Existentially speaking, no he ISNT hideous or disgusting but she relates to him as such.
  15. Though I’m not much of a fan of him he is spot on on a lot of matters while also not knowing some others. To ridicule the stuff he is correct on is rather silly. Take the gems and toss the rest and give credit where credit is due. Or don’t. Your call on that.