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About Azote

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    Moscow, Russia
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  1. I'm sorry, but spirituality episode was just fuckin' hilarious Some people only see that I'm white, ignoring skill 'Cause I stand out like a green hat with an orange bill But I don't get pissed, y'all don't even see through the mist How the fuck can I be white, I don't even exist! I get a clean shave, bathe, go to a rave Die from an overdose and dig myself up out of my grave My middle finger won't go down, how do I wave? And this is how I'm supposed to teach kids how to behave?
  2. Health Marathon Week #3 This week was not as productive as the previous one. My guess is that I should prioritize my nidra practice above others. Also, I really need to do something with my habits concerning all kinds of hiccups. For example, yesterday I changed thermal grease on my laptop, but then detectors kept showing 80C, and I didn't know what to do without my laptop (all my uni books, work, commonplace journal, art etc are there) and my productivity was screwed up. Like, I don't feel anxious about such things, but I still have this habit of giving up on things really easily. "Oh no, now I can't do anything!" Btw, today I realized I just forgot to connect the fan back to the board, and now it's okay. Sooo back to work, ladies. What was done this week: self-improvement studying 2.5h 1.5 h of nidra. My roommates arrived, so I'll have to be more creative to manage my time properly to do my practices. 3 h of meditation all pills taken 1 h art 20.5 h studying, 9 of them being French lol. solved a couple of self-esteem issues
  3. Health Marathon Week #2 The longest week so far this year. In a good way. What was done this week: learned about the existence of a specialty called psychiatrist-endocrinologist. Hope to get to them this month, before my hormones rage out again. self-improvement and psychology 3.5h I'm a senior student now, so I can live in a nicer dorm. I can sleep now because there is no fridge humming beside my bed and no roaches crawling on my face, yay! Just a nice new and clean apartment with adequate roomies and a lovely cat :3 No, really, I've been waking up at 7-7.30 without alarm since I moved in on Tuesday. completed my home first aid kit. __________________________________________________________ Talking to myself interlude: yeah, yeah, no real growth, just luck, and some vitamin B13. But it doesn't mean that I should decline all the good stuff happening to me, alright. I'm tired of this mentality: "it's better to struggle with your traumas living in shit because it's such a possibility for growth! And materialism is wrong anyway, and people who have good lives are boring and ordinary". Well, maybe it's time to develop some fokken ambition? Just, you know, to do something good for people instead of creating a struggle with basic stuff. __________________________________________________________ 3 h of nidra yoga. My current sankalpa is health-related too. I also managed to go through a full 1-hour session without falling asleep. 4 h of meditation. I started to practice mindfulness with labeling, and it gives me headaches. Kinda reminds me of art school classes. 14 rounds of surya namaskar all pills taken 3 h of art 11 h studying. Retook 1out of 2 exams I skipped because of sickness.
  4. Health Marathon Week #1 In my previous attempts to "turn the tables" I figured out that one has the first week cool, then the second week is the first "turbulence". This time it began on the second day. My mood is up, and I am among the lucky people who get only the convenient side effects from ADs. But some somatic shit keeps happening, so I had to hang out at the hospital again for a few days this week. But I kept doing some practices there too, thanks to my stabilized mood. So, actions this week: 6.5 h of studying an idea for some art project with great chances of giving me some purpose in life 100 min of meditation 2 h of... don't faint... contemplation. Oh yes I did it. At last. 3 h of nidra yoga - decided to focus on this branch of yoga since it's super "stealth", simple and I can practice it for a while with no chakras mentioned. 7 rounds of surya namaskar about 5 pages in my sketchbook almost all pills taken (forgot once) So I spent about 10% of total time on self-dev work and definitely took steps towards my healing. Fuck turbulence!
  5. More Health & Security Work To Do So I've been writing down some plans regarding my health domain work and I have to say that it will be best to stick with this domain for at least a year more. Cause my... let's call it "self-care" - needs some real upgrade. First of all. Took me years to admit its existence but hey: my No 1 priority must be dealing with depression. I'm not postponing it anymore. And by the way, if you gonna advise me to go get enlightened first hand - please please go fuck yourself. I'm also saying this to that part of me which believes this bullshit. No, I do not need to wait until I grasp the nature of reality and self by meditating and tripping in a cave for 20 years to become just a normal functional fucking person. I can become that now. Basically, the plan is to fix my psychology while pills are holding the symptoms, then get off the pills. And other points: Back-ups. Elementary stuff that I don't have for some reason. First aid kit, agreements for emergency situations, money stash and so on. Not having these feels so self-hateful and unstrategic. Preventive healthcare. Diet, supplements, vaccines, medical examinations, hygiene, warm clothes. Treatment. Taking pills, treating tooth cavities, all diseases that emerge. Changes! I'm determined to make this sustainable shift in energy levels and physical appearance. My weight loss goal also changes now to "~20% body fat". Purging and clarification. Facing emotions and fears, trying new things. I guess I'll set up new rubrics for this kind of stuff. I also think it's time to go back to weekly journal updates. So, see ya next week or sooner.
  6. Fortunately, it's worth it Slowly but surely I'm moving forward, thanks ❤️
  7. Have you tried leo's guided meditation? During my longest streak, I resorted to it on lazy sleepy days
  8. @Moreira it's more nuanced than that. You can go to college with diffetent strateigc intents - internships, networking, to get required qualifications etc.
  9. Going into debt is also "a huge strategic blunder", so if I take a loan in order to go to college, am I strategic motherfucker or not? Depends on the situation. I guess Leo was trying to make you go contemplate this, as always.
  10. @jjer94 seems to me that finding the right diet is just as hard as finding your life purpose Glad you found yours
  11. one stupid hobby Issue closed (hopefully) As a teenager, I liked making so-called friendship bracelets. I also did, and still do love to not finish stuff I once started. By the end of the high school (when I gave this up for the sake of uni), I managed to finish about 20 bracelets up to 23 threads wide, which is like 40% of total things started (the rest I had to throw away). So what I was left with is some unrealized plans like watermelon ornament and my seeming incapability of getting shit done So this summer I returned to this thing - bought a $1,5 pack of mulina threads and set a rule to not start a new bracelet until I finish the current one. What I have after less than a month:20 = about as many bracelets as I made in my entire life, including desired watermelons and psychedelic rhombic geysers, no material left and experience of getting shit done voluntarily. I'm satisfied. Hope I can study now
  12. Law of attraction my ass So, in the middle of July, I've got appendicitis induced by inflammation of other organs from the month before. That was a really narrow opportunity window: has it happened some weeks before or after, I would have to take a gap year and repeat the hardest semester. I also quickly realized that it totally had to happen - just look at all the wishes this situation granted me: legit reason for not working on summer legit reason for breaking the awkward silence between me and my relatives stroking my hypochondria (10 days before operation surgeon told me I was fine huh) stress test to find out if I still can't handle it (well yep) experience of general anesthesia ( this wish appeared after this video lol) experience of prolonged appetite loss - actually that was pretty cool experience of a rapid weight loss smoothie blender food steamer (both basically free of charge) socially acceptable excuse to avoid alcohol (rehab + meds prescribed after) Yeah, thank you universe, now I'm aware that I totally suck at satisfying my needs directly and that I need to fix this asap if I don't want such twisted shit to happen again. Bonus experiences: surgeon yelling at me "Stop crying! Shut up and do yoga, meditation, and Qigong or else I don't know how you gonna handle your life!" 90-year-old blind and sick roommate who constantly reminded me about my future without self-actualization. She talked about her regrets and suicide every now and then and lied in front of me just like this after our interactions with her, I found out I can't come up with any decent affirmations to neutralize this shit. Luckily, I could load my brain with videos like this: a lady from my university who brought me pencils, coloring pages, and baby food - we have such social workers because of bad suicide statistics I guess. That was rather confusing and funny - doctors trying to "make a man" out of me when I expected to be taken care of, and then this mother hen employee of a university where I initially came for "harsh real life and top-notch science bootcamp". when I left the hospital, I was really tempted to not come back for additional painful procedures - I gotta remind myself that I am phenomenal an adult and that I have to endure this to avoid greater complications. I'm pretty proud of myself for going to the clinic the next day - gives me hope that I am capable of similar things in other areas of my life
  13. Hey, that's great, keep up
  14. @Soulbass I wanted to hear this for a while lol
  15. July Update whole month my brain was shut down, so almost no intellectual or self-dev activities I had an appendectomy (separate post about that coming) eyesight dropped a little, got new contacts depression confirmed