Azote

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About Azote

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    Moscow, Russia
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    Female

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  1. I probably should, although they would probably tell me to just stop watching bearded bald talking heads on the internet @OrpheusNovum That's the thing. There are no suicidal tendencies as long as there are debts to pay. I try to imagine my life without this obligation. and I fail to find any meaning in it. So, it is in my best interest to keep this status quo. If I want to change this situation, I have to find better meaning in life. Option 1: Lurk more until I stumble upon another random shit as @Shadowraix proposes. Option 2: Go study metaphysics and find a higher purpose. Unfortunately, this is where total nihilism awaits. Option 3: This is all just beliefs/self-esteem/shadow/lack of life experience/etc, so go fix that and everything will be fine.
  2. It appears to me that I have no real ambitions or purpose in life other than returning my debts. This is how I see my future: I do some self-actualization work, that allows me to repay my loans, compensate my parents for losses they had while upbringing me, compensate ecological damage by some virtuous activities, and then take a shot of morphine and die in sleep, since I will have no more reasons to live. Like, shit, I can't force another, more optimistic and ambitious vision. And of course, I'm not motivated or productive, because any work brings the death closer. Is it a self-esteem issue and I should just do more of Nathaniel Branden's exercises? Some experience I should have that would help, maybe? Limiting belief? Why do you live and do the work?
  3. Yeah, much more dangerous than advising to get enlightened to cure depression for example
  4. Nope. You need separate account for the main website.
  5. @Hardkill You get access to this series after registration on actualized.org It's not about relationships though. It's about limiting beliefs that make you wander in generalisations instead of working on actual strategy to resolve your situation
  6. Rewatch Leo's dreamkiller series, for a start.
  7. Will? She's damn 43, man!
  8. New (old?) levels of self-doubt So we know how searching a life purpose, for example, sucks because of all that doubts and thinking of your feelings and emotions as temporary and fake (aka neurosis). Pff, emotions! Now I see how quick to call myself a hypocrite I am in biological stuff! *facepalm* Just look at this inner dialogs. "I've got green eyes" - "Nope, you've got a brownish thing around your pupil, you actually don't have the right to call yourself that" "I'm allergic to dairy" - "Well, it's not like you have anaphylactic shocks, it's just pimples! Have you checked this at your doctor? No? Then shut up" "I'm female" - "Yeah, but clearly you're not a real woman, are you? You know that!" "I"m asexual " - "Nah, you just want to be a special snowflake, you fake bitch" "I'm depressed" - "Nope, just a big weenie. Get yourself together already!" Well, shit. This only supports the opportuneness of my health marathon, and that's great. Gotta post an update on this soon.
  9. Imagine having more than one kid. They can get in trouble simultaneously... Having kids doesn't work out well, I guess. Or more than one loved one of any kind, for that matter.
  10. When I was their age, I was such a stupid inadequate fuck. Now those kids are bilingual, handle conversations and express their opinions on camera! Their generation is okay.
  11. Save yourself, and thousands around you will be saved Go meta! I really need to stop feeling responsible for all the problems of all the depressed people around me. Yeah, ultimately I am responsible, full circle, blah-blah. But hell! When you think about it, this mindset of "I don't have the right to be well when there is somebody I know who wasn't as lucky as me" doesn't seem very viable. Got effective altruism?
  12. When you start to get headaches and nightmares and funny heat along your spine that probably means you should slow down. Yep, find out your "doze" empirically
  13. Don't you text "fuck off" to clingy people, and not the opposite of that lol?
  14. Doesn't sound very long-term-commitment friendly