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About Azote

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    Moscow, Russia
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  1. Swap Have you ever got this feeling? When someone has their special gesture or habit, like snapping fingers while thinking, and after communicating with them a while you start unwillingly repeating this gesture after them. The moment when you catch yourself doing that you feel as if you disappeared for a second and became this person. Quite uncomfortable, especially if you dislike the person or the habit. Right, back to health issues. So, as I mentioned, I'm taking pills again since I was diagnosed with some kind of neurotic disorder. The thing is, I have had this condition for over a decade now and this is even deeper than stuff like overeating. It feels like congenital disability or something. I don't know life without neurosis. I'm on shitty drugs called "exhaustion" and "justified self-pity" and "suffering from no reason", any time of the year. I suppose that's the worst of my current addictions and I expect a tough fight with withdrawal. Hope I'll have the guts Shit, do I have to kill the "prior" self after all? Not funny. (For those of you who's suffering more than me and possibly got triggered - no ill intentions, my support is with you ❤️)
  2. @Torch Do you meditate right before going to bed?
  3. Correction I decided to postpone emotionally draining techniques and activities like BSFF, self-reflection and touchy conversations, as well as any work (cleaning up doesn't count) or uni studying. Instead, I plan to focus on recreational stuff. And yeah, all the conclusions a gained so far with my LP work are to be reconsidered, because I mostly used techniques like "write an answer to $1 000 000 question until you cry" and in my condition, I can cry about, like, anything. I mean, I can't rely on such answers when I burst into tears after "hey, how are you doin'?", can I? UPD. I'm on meds again. No ADs this time. Guess the idea is to make me sleep the shit outta myself in order to recover.
  4. On alcohol. Step back Last night, celebrating the end of the semester with a bottle of something beer-like, grilled meat and ciabatta, with all these focus-on-health thoughts in my mind, I realized how really "undeveloped" my reasons to abstain from drinking alcohol are. (I think I didn't drink a drop of the shit through all middle and high school, and also the 1st year at uni). 1. Authority. Because this is just a bad thing to do. Why? Because I told so. A good chunk of my BSFF sessions these days consists of work with loyalty issues. Being lean and beautiful would not be loyal to my mother. Being a smart woman and having a successful scientific career would not be loyal to my father. And so on. The further I go, the more I realize how fucking loyal I really am to randomly occurred authority figures (like parents). And also the more I realize how dangerous for me it is. Soon, I hope, I will grasp that throwing this shit out of my belief system completely is actually a matter of survival. And then, with the full integration of stage blue, this reason would fly away. 2. Fear of what I am. What if I get drunk and say all the truth? And everybody around learns about what really is on my mind and how I feel? That would be a catastrophe. Should this fear back off a little, or should I decide to deliberately work on my sincerity and radical honesty, I will immediately start to see drinking as a good tool to use when I need to get courageous and expressive. Oh, and its effect on vocal cords... Actually, right now my development level (the way I sense it) would totally resonate with stuff like drinking and eating shit and watching stupid movies on Friday nights with friends. Thank god I don't have friends. If not for my recent resolution to care about my health. And let's don't forget that alcohol doesn't mix well with all these funny pills. I have an ambitious goal - to grow my mindfulness level health-wise so high it would substitute the old reasons. But until that - cheers! Natural selection is gonna get me one day. Probably sooner than I think.
  5. @taleen I have no idea what my passion is, to be honest. That's why I now plan to work on reconnecting with my feelings and intuition and try out different options. Thanks for your share.
  6. Shifting priorities Though this journal is supposed to be mainly about Life Purpose work and handling basic needs by becoming successful, I suppose I should change priority to health domain for a while to make it all work. With the main "theme" be careful exploration and purging. The main idea of several prior months was you must kill your current self in order to grow. Turned out not to be working very well. So, for the next few weeks/months, I plan to focus on my health. If I have positive outcomes career-wise in the meantime, let them be. My toolbox for the near future going to doctors - I need different specialists now, from dentist to psychiatrist. seeing local psychologist art-therapy painting sketching playing berimbau singing BSFF drinking water paper diary/morning sheets vipassana meditation walking in nature exercise jogging capoeira sequences surya namaskar complex progressions from "The 15-second Handstand" tidying up and taking out the trash intermittent fasting avoiding foods that proved to be peanuts dairy cheap fatty street-food These are the things I have some positive experience with. I can tolerate this much of green new-agey stuff. Might also try: type B behavior appropriate sleeping techniques from "Highly Sensitive People's Survival Guide" Sacred place meditation metta supplements spending more time with friends and talking about emotions and feelings theme-related Leo's worksheets
  7. @jjer94 I took 6 days of this shit in minimal dosage and quit about a week ago. I guess I'll be okay. I plan to see a doctor again after all the exams, maybe private practicioner. The lady who prescribed me this had like 5 minutes for me, at a state hospital. Thank you for your concern)
  8. After last vid about stage orange
  9. Oh shit, Ralph Smart Have been watching him every day until some weeks ago. Nope. That's too much woo woo, but thanks. --------------- Hope you get well tho, with all this weird shit.
  10. @Privet hey I'll dare to be immature enough to ask - what lala land ya talking about? Also - your shef recipe on how to become mature?
  11. Have you seen this? I guess I would do research on this path of action.
  12. Getting even more emotional Ah. I cry all day. It's so good. The music is so beautiful. Pics in my mind are vivid and crazy, I should draw this. Visualize my impressions. Mean words of that dickhead I kinda fell for hurt so much I would hug him. One of my friends is going through some tough time and I'm so glad he's doing well, listening to him, I just cry, and then stop and become calm at last. I realize my will to create something beautiful and pure and I cry again. I want more genuine senses and feelings like those! they say I'm way too emotional. I've not been emoting up to my full potential! If my crying and whimpers annoy somebody, they're free to stay away from me. I threw away the antidepressants and tranquilizer because sorry, mental health, I'm not ready for those weird dreams, 15-hour sleeps and feeling like an alcoholic. Need to pass these exams, ouch.
  13. @Hello from Russia sounds like a good idea, huh?
  14. Mistakes will be made I think my fear of making a mistake plays a great part in my depressed state. So, maybe, fuck it, let's let some errors in without bitching about it. Antidepressants suck, btw.
  15. @jjer94 Thanks I guess all this stuff happenig is necessary.