Azote

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About Azote

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    Moscow, Russia
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    Female

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  1. @jjer94 Thanks I'vo got some food for thought now.
  2. I know what you feel bro. Exercises from 6 pillars are actually quite easy, I feared that there would be some comfort zome challenge shit like "go lie down on the street for 30 secs", but no
  3. I don't mind sharing, it's just this inner conflict: somehow I got the idea that I can contribute to cultural and spiritual progress via my art, but at the same time I'm not even receptive to visual artworks myself. I mean, wtf? It's silly to aspire to be someone one's not meant to be.
  4. Alright, I should admit it already I don't get art. I mean, paintings and stuff - visual independent (not design or illustration) things. I can't see how a painting could be as life-changing as book, song or movie. I barely feel any emotions emerging when I see all these chef-deuvres worth millions bucks. Niether do most people, neither did my artschool classmates, niether do most of the artists I reckon. The whole field is full of shit. Yeah, somebody can get mindfucked by some Escher art, but I bet its success rate sucks balls compared to books. Yeah, teaching new artists, art-therepy session and sfutt like this is what sells today, but I'm not a teacher. Also, there are rich patrons, but I don't want to be a pet. So, I guess I'll gave to hold art as a hobby and therapy, but not a tool for fulfilling my yet to be discovered life purpose. Shit, last time I had an epithany like this I got depression. Shit-shit-shit. That's scary.
  5. It seems to me that once you get into all this systems stuff and realise that higher order solutions are what it takes for the mankind so survive, the motivation to pursue the path of some kind of specialist (like artist or physicist) vanishes. It's like now you have no other choice but to be a leader, a visionary -- manager or sage or consultant of sorts, and there's no way back. You need a job that takes a spiral wizard to be done, not fancy technical skill master. Does this apply to you? What did you do? What's your current career path (so to speak)?
  6. Lots of exercises - just what I need. Thanks
  7. Health Marathon Weeks 10-11 of 42 Woah, I'm still on this path, folks. I guess finding your pace is what it takes to get long streaks. Captain here. Let me tell ya about past two weeks: I started my little experiment with nootropics so I make more good decisions about important things this year and have the willpower to execute. Keep raising my self-esteem. It seems like it has a lot to do with energy levels and overall mental health. My thanks to people who pointed at this domain to me. Lots of body awareness, I manage to practice for an hour almost every day. I now also practice breath retention for yoga. I am back to some mild calorie restriction. It's now less neurotic, easier, and acne spots disappear without junk food. At last, I feel pretty Optimism is still with me, and I enjoy this good life while I can
  8. Racetams + ADs part 0 My pack of nootropics finally arrived, yay. Yup, it's a racetam, but well, the laws here in mother Russia treat your precious modafilil the same way as cocaine or ketamine. Anyway, I'm gonna take a course of this stuff starting tomorrow. I'm mainly after the awareness boost here, but I'm also curious about the racetam+antidepressant combo effect. There is also some other stuff with choline. My overall stack will be like this: prozac 20 mg pramiracetam 1200 mg phenibut 250 mg choline DMAE ashwagandha Let's see how it goes
  9. Fingertips+gouache I guess this is my favorite painting technique now
  10. Health Marathon Weeks #8-9 of 42 Now I'm definitely doing something right since I feel that everything is going the way it should be going, and that my success is inevitable. Practices I do: body awareness meditation up to 1 hour affirmations reading different books exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem" - that's awesome healthy stage orange stuff I needed taking action on my long-term goals every day Yeah, that moment when you finally have some energy
  11. Health Marathon Weeks #6-7 of 42 No more study time or life purpose work tracking for this marathon. Because, well, the meaning of the word priority slowly starts to sink in, huh. Do not disturb. Healing in process. So these weeks I read about certain emotional issues, practiced not giving a damn about my grades, slow pleasant study mode, taking time for important stuff. Plus meditation. Guess I'm doing pretty good. Let me share some small pleasures off topic - French phonetics. Just. Love it.
  12. Health Marathon Weeks #4-5/42 Kinda slacking off with my tracks. Some backlashes, I'm too busy again. But that's alright.
  13. I'm sorry, but spirituality episode was just fuckin' hilarious Some people only see that I'm white, ignoring skill 'Cause I stand out like a green hat with an orange bill But I don't get pissed, y'all don't even see through the mist How the fuck can I be white, I don't even exist! I get a clean shave, bathe, go to a rave Die from an overdose and dig myself up out of my grave My middle finger won't go down, how do I wave? And this is how I'm supposed to teach kids how to behave? https://coub.com/view/1e6zrm
  14. Health Marathon Week #3 This week was not as productive as the previous one. My guess is that I should prioritize my nidra practice above others. Also, I really need to do something with my habits concerning all kinds of hiccups. For example, yesterday I changed thermal grease on my laptop, but then detectors kept showing 80C, and I didn't know what to do without my laptop (all my uni books, work, commonplace journal, art etc are there) and my productivity was screwed up. Like, I don't feel anxious about such things, but I still have this habit of giving up on things really easily. "Oh no, now I can't do anything!" Btw, today I realized I just forgot to connect the fan back to the board, and now it's okay. Sooo back to work, ladies. What was done this week: self-improvement studying 2.5h 1.5 h of nidra. My roommates arrived, so I'll have to be more creative to manage my time properly to do my practices. 3 h of meditation all pills taken 1 h art 20.5 h studying, 9 of them being French lol. solved a couple of self-esteem issues
  15. Health Marathon Week #2 The longest week so far this year. In a good way. What was done this week: learned about the existence of a specialty called psychiatrist-endocrinologist. Hope to get to them this month, before my hormones rage out again. self-improvement and psychology 3.5h I'm a senior student now, so I can live in a nicer dorm. I can sleep now because there is no fridge humming beside my bed and no roaches crawling on my face, yay! Just a nice new and clean apartment with adequate roomies and a lovely cat :3 No, really, I've been waking up at 7-7.30 without alarm since I moved in on Tuesday. completed my home first aid kit. __________________________________________________________ Talking to myself interlude: yeah, yeah, no real growth, just luck, and some vitamin B13. But it doesn't mean that I should decline all the good stuff happening to me, alright. I'm tired of this mentality: "it's better to struggle with your traumas living in shit because it's such a possibility for growth! And materialism is wrong anyway, and people who have good lives are boring and ordinary". Well, maybe it's time to develop some fokken ambition? Just, you know, to do something good for people instead of creating a struggle with basic stuff. __________________________________________________________ 3 h of nidra yoga. My current sankalpa is health-related too. I also managed to go through a full 1-hour session without falling asleep. 4 h of meditation. I started to practice mindfulness with labeling, and it gives me headaches. Kinda reminds me of art school classes. 14 rounds of surya namaskar all pills taken 3 h of art 11 h studying. Retook 1out of 2 exams I skipped because of sickness.