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I relate with what you said, I've lived most of my days in the solitary bliss of my room But but there's a catch. I realized that I 'need' to be alone for long periods of time after socializing. And that means that people are draining my energy. Why are they able to drain my energy? Because it is not in my control. I find superficial discussions on general life and politics very uninteresting and whenever someone starts discussing these topics, my mind wanders off into some other place, a.k.a. I lose my presence and awareness, which causes the loss of energy. If I can figure out a way to remain present equally in all scenarios, with or without people, company would be as blissful as solitude and better still, there wouldn't be much distinction between what I find interesting and what I don't find interesting. And I have a long way to go. (Do you notice how enlightened people have no need to be alone nor do they need to be around people all the time? They do whatever is necessary for whatever work they are doing.)

Okay, it has been a few years, same phantom pain but its irregular, sometimes its just pure bliss but when its there there is almost bo way getting rid of it. Sometimes there comes a deep sense of resistance to meditation that you almost makes you want to move the body psychologically. However there are some other techniques that kinda reverses the strong determination sitting principle like working with fear and completion also listening to existential truths works. Thanks!

Hm. I don't know what to say really. But I can totally see how the spiritual path of dissolving the ego gradually would bring bliss and reduce any suffering.

In the Garden of Eden we were in bliss as we lived in ALIGNMENT with the structure of reality. But we also had NO AWARENESS of it. As consciousness wanted to know itself, the fall happened. Humanity started to OPPOSE the structure of reality and friction was created. This friction is what we call pain and suffering. And so pain and suffering have divine purpose as it informs consciousness where opposition of the structure of reality is happening. Thus consciousness learns about itself by learning about what it is NOT. And so as you start your quest of UNDERSTANDING the strcuture of reality you will WELCOME pain more than anything, as without you would be lost. And as you realign your interpretation of reality with the truth, you will be able to correctly predict the outcome of an action. Thus your ability to create your desires will merely be the reflection of the accuracy of your understanding of truth.

If it comes suddenly, it is most likely also bound to go suddenly. Sometimes this happens without us really knowing why. You can try to go and figure it out and maybe you'll find some nice answers, but this is not the essential. Be prepared for this too change. The best preparation for that shift is not to start fearing or mentally bulking yourself up or whatever, but to actually detach from the positive and pleasant sensations you're having right now. Just don't give it any special attention. Enjoy it, but when I say enjoying it I don't mean that you need to grab onto it. Just allow it to go through you and stay neutral towards it. People are all enthousiastic about the notion of detachment when things are going bad, but when things are going good they forget all about that notion and then completely lose themselves in the positive duality. This is how most people with bipolar disorder experience their life. They get depressed and then life gets all terrible and they may even start contemplating suicide, and then sometime later enter their manic phase in which they get all energetic and happy, and this depressive phase that they had loses all their meaning, and they get completely lose in the impulsive mania and start acting really stupid, because their thinking process is: "What does it matter? I'm completely happy anyway!". And then they have to deal with the shit they created in this manic phase when they enter their depressive phase again. And so the cycle goes on. You can't detach from the negative if you aren't willing to detach from the positive. Right now is your best opportunity. You may not feel like you're very interested right now because you're happy and nothing else really seems to matter because you're happy and peaceful anyways, but when you would get to a phase in which things would start to get much worse, then the notion of detachment will probably seem a whole lot more attractive to you, but then its in some sense too late because when you're low, you have much less energy and space for you to be able to detach yourself. When you're high, it's much easier to detach in a sense because the detachment won't come out of a struggle, which will be the tendency when you're on the low side of things. True freedom isn't what you're experiencing right now. True freedom is the detachment from this positive, pleasant experience too. Freedom is detachment from all. Good or bad, comfortable or uncomfortable. True and total freedom is to be aloof under any circumstances. That's what most people don't understand. They think that experiencing a high is the Ultimate. It's not the ultimate; it's just a high. It may be a existential melting with God and divine unity and infinite bliss or whatever, but once we get back in our normal state of mind and in the relative world, all it would have been was a high. Maybe such an experience is part of the Ultimate. But i feel that without the quality of the witness, of a detached Being, of what we could call "the fourth eye", I still feel like something is missing. If you come to get addicted or attached to such experiences, however divine and total it may be, then still you are not free. Seek freedom, not experiences nor insights.

I am sorry Tsuki for not replying before. Did you send me Synchronicity? I have never participated in a forum anywhere before and was having a bit of trouble figuring it out. Still am I am sure. So I have been commenting on Leo's videos and writing in One Note. Like I think I am replying to you but wondering if I am replying to Ethan. I'm not really thrilled to hear what it is like for Ethan. I see no reason to doubt him but it's a dirty job and I'm glad that I don't have to do it. Yet. Oh shit. I hope he gets to the bliss part pretty quick if I Follow him. And if I am him. And I'm not going to check my bank account until tomorrow but I will split the million with you if this Rebecca of my infinite selves is the one that got lucky. That "if" part pretty much kills it for us though. Suddenly God as Nothing is looking better and better. So maybe God as Ethan wanted to try being Humanity without forgetting the infinity part. Man, I don't even like filing and sorting my stuff! He is kind of nailing it in terms of what I got a glimpse of with infinite possible lives and only one now. I wish he hadn't brought in the pets and the phone though.

seeking a mystical experience is kind of a trap in this work, which i myself sometimes fall into. Because once you become Infinite, and once you get past any backlash you might have, you want to become it again. The best thing i would say to do is continue your meditation practices, or yoga, etc. But do not go in seeking a mystical experience, simply do the practices and dwell in Being or the present moment. Because seeking or desiring a mystical experience is paradoxically moving you away from it because it is the ego co-opting it for itself. This work is very paradoxical and counter-intuitive. Ultimately you can discover that there is no difference between this (duality) and a mystical experience (non-duality). You are in bliss now, you just aren't conscious of it At that point there is no more need to seek anything.

@Annoynymous A mystical experience, which is direct experience of pure Being / Infinite Love / Formlessness / Infnity, will remove all anxiety, worry, depression, suffering, etc and replace it with Divine Absolute Bliss - but alas, only for a time. Essentially you die before you die, and when you come back, you still flee this bliss but for a short period of time. However, as you integrate back into your ego, these things will slowly creep back into your life. That is why it is said that this is where the real work begins. Your level of consciousness as a result of the experience has gone up - and you now are armed with the realizations that you took away from the mystical experience. With these realizations you can begin the work of mastering your ego, through understanding yourself and reality better, and using the skill of going meta. For example, if you have the realization that death is infinite Love, then what is there really to be anxious about, or worry about, or fear? With this understanding you can slowly transcend fear itself, which is rooted in the fear of death - because you've already died! It is easier said than done because survival skills kick in and fear is necessary for the survival of the self. But ultimately the more awakenings you have and the deeper you go the easier it will be and the more conscious you become. This will result in less and less suffering. More consciousness = less suffering. So through integrating these realizations you will greatly reduce suffering in your life - because you are able to see through the root of suffering itself now. That is why it is said that liberation is ultimately the end of all suffering. Because you have become Infinite, but then returned to a finite form - though this time different - and able to see the illusion of form, and that in order for there to be form there must be deception. That is how it helps. But it is a process of integration and embodiment in your everyday life.

Mystical Traditions have methods of semen retention which is said to facilitate awakening of kundalini/central channel and offer other benefits. In my experience I have never gone more than like 5 weeks in one run. After orgasming I notice a substantial drop in energy, motivation, concentration, clarity, I feel more anxiety, less mood stability, even. I notice that my meditation goes deeper and my one pointedness is stronger after like 2 to 3 days of abstinence. I feel more confident, music sounds better, I feel more alive, etc. However, it is difficult/impossible to maintain the semen retention for longer periods of time. How do people do this? I have cut down huge from how I sexually active I used to be. Like 5 years I used to masturbate nearly daily and sometimes multiple times per day. I don't know if I just did not notice "side effects" back then because I did it so often whereas as now as of lately I will do once a week on average with sometimes being twice a week but I don't like to do it too often. I get a biological urge for orgasm after so many days but I feel much better not being compulsive/addicted/habituated from a period of abstinence. The benefits I listed above became apparent after I experimented with semen retention. I noticed that if I take a psychedelic after like 4 or 5 days or more abstinence I have more lucidity, more bliss, more stability, can go deeper into the experience, what I experience has more staying power, etc with my trips. Can people share their input and/or own experiences with this? There are more moments of such joy and freedom from compulsion that I glimpse after semen retention streaks that I wish I could not have the biological need to orgasm/have sex/masturbate. It's a fulfillment that beats fiending for a biological release but I can't maintain indefinitely and I wish it would not return really because of the moments of such fulfillment

@Commodent Thank you, too much of this transcendence BS going on here, no idea why, and it shows the immaturity of a lot of the people here imo. It's fine to fucking feel sad if you feel sad! I honestly don't get what people expect true awakening/ enlightenment is. @zeroISinfinity As I keep saying Leo isn't the only teacher in the world lol, and imo from various people I've spoken to is certainly not at the highest stage of realization, maybe he's had insights from his multitude of trips but it's pretty evident he isn't embodied there. I'm talking from direct experience which everyone seems to love here except when it goes against there agendas. You will still have emotions, you're a human, I don't get what you expect. BEfore you go into some rant on how we are awareness existentially, yes I get that and if you want to go there All there is the Self, there is no other, the Self is literally ALL, the world doesn't even exist as all there is is this Self, when you arrive here you realize an unbreakable silence. I'm really trying to help you, so many teachers preach transcendence of humanity and if I'm honest it's fucking dangerous, you are not a rock, you are a human who will experience an array of emotion. Yes there is a background of permanent peace that never leaves, but there is still emotion, a small example is an artist I listen to passed away suddenly yesterday and I felt an incredible rush of sadness, you know why? Because no longer do I suppress my emotions, instead I fully feel them with all my body, good or bad, as there is no resistance left, emotion is to be felt. I wish you luck if you think awakening is all sunshine and rainbows and you're round the corner from permanent bliss, of course there's states of bliss and love etc, but you can get that from Psyches, a true genuine awakening is learning to feel absolutely everything without resistance and living life FULLY in the now, whatever life throws at us. About destroying the mind, I have done that, the Mind doesn't actually exist, all that exists are thoughts that simply rise in The Self/ Awareness whatever you want to call it, do their thing and pass, no such thing as a mind ever existed, thoughts are always 1 thought at a time no matter how entangled they can become due to the I-Thought. You are not telling me the truth, because not one word can be uttered about the truth, the absolute can not be put into words, hence why all words are merely pointers. The Truth can only be experienced and lived, in reality EVERYONE is the truth, yet very few know it, very few consciously live as The Self. But, please, be careful when thinking enlightenment will lead to you somehow transcending this world, when this very world is the Buddha, the laptop I'm writing this on is the Buddha, EVERYTHING is and This is it, this very moment is it.

@zeroISinfinity Sorry but that's complete BS, and a total fantasy in my eyes, and is part of the issue. I promise I'm not meaning to be rude but this is a HUGEEE trap I constantly see, and one I fell for. You're telling me Self-Realized beings wouldn't get sad/ cry when a family member passes away, or they see injustice in the world? If anything I've noticed the opposite, you feel your emotions 1000x stronger as there's no longer any resistance, at the same time there's also nothing but space/awareness etc at the 'centre' of these thoughts and emotions therefore they are no longer sticky so to speak. Maybe for some Yogi's meditating in a cave 24/7 with no real responsibilities or traditional life you could stay in a bliss state 24/7, but in the real world it's very naive to think that. This sort of thinking promotes transcendence of the human condition rather than embodying and embracing your humanity, which is a KEY part of the work that is usually missed out on. @Haumea2018 used a great term for this 'PsychoSpiritual' learning who you are on a personality level is key, the term 'different strokes for different folks' is a great representation of this. Except without knowing about yourself, you won't learn your personal pitfalls and how to move past them. This is not a one size fits all teaching as many Neo-Advaitans would have you believe. Again, not at all meaning to be rude, but this can really hinder progress.

Because adults fear for them. Adults handle most of the child's survival needs (if the adults are good), which affords the child the luxury of play and being. Of course a child has less to fear because they don't know how dangerous the world is yet. In this case ignorance is bliss. But it cannot last.

If you were spontaneous and live in the eternal present, the eternal now, forget about the past, don't worry about the future but live in this particular second, in this second there are no problems. If you can only stay in this split second, noone is hungry, noone is ill, noone is in need, noone is suffering. As you begin to stay in that split second, this split second expands into a minute, into two minutes, into ten minutes and as you abide in it, it turns into eternity. You are always in that split second where nothing is happening. Where no thing is taking place. That split second is bliss, pure intelligence, absolute reality and you are that. […] It begins when you get up in the morning. You observe the I. You watch yourself thinking I got up, I just woke up. But now here's the catch, do not allow the I to go any further. As soon as you watch yourself saying, "I just woke up." Try to catch yourself and ask yourself the question, "Who is the I that just woke up?" For in that split second prior to awakening you were in bliss, no thoughts. But as soon as you begin to think of the I, the world comes into play. In that split second before I came along you were awake. Yet there was no world, there were no people, there was no universe, there were no problems. In that split second. But as soon as you began to think of I your troubles began. Because you're thinking about the day, I'm hungry, I have to take a shower. I have to get dressed and I begins to do its mischief. That is why it's very important to observe the I coming out. If you can really observe it you will see that the I is coming out of your spiritual heart on the right side of your chest. But a funny thing will happen. As you observe it, it will go back, isn't that interesting? As you observe the I or as you question it, "Where did the I come from?" It will stop. It will stop its procedure, it will stop its journey to the brain where you become body conscious. All these things happen in a split second. So you have to be aware, you have to be alert, you have to watch for it. I admit it takes some effort in the beginning but it's well worth it. Think about this again. Just before you awaken to the I, you are already awake in that split second. In that split second there is no world but you are awake, you are conscious, you're totally happy, you're totally self-realized in that split second. But then the I begins its journey from the heart to the brain. Now if you can observe the I and question its authority, it will lose its momentum and slow down. And begin to return to the heart. If you can get it to return to the heart, you will be conscious but you will be liberated. You will go about your business like you always do. You will take your shower, you will eat your breakfast, it will all happen spontaneously. There will be no thoughts. The only experience you will have is total bliss. Total happiness, total joy and yet your body will go about it's business. It can happen all at once or it can take time. But it's worth the effort, isn't it? Even if it takes you a lifetime, at least you will be free at that time. What is more important than this? Can anything be more important than this? This guarantees that you do not return to this earth. It guarantees that while you are alive in your body, so-to-speak, you will be a jivan-mukta, self-realized in the body. This is your only salvation. But you've got to do it. These teachings used to be handed out by the Rishis from mouth to mouth to explain it. It is most difficult to comprehend the books. Even though some of them are very clear ... (tape break then Robert continues) ... something within that knows what to do to make it happen. But if you try to understand with your brain, with your head, you will forget. And when tomorrow morning comes you will get up and your I will take over immediately. You will say I'm late for work, I'm in a hurry, I'm this and I'm that and you will forget everything we're talking about this evening. But if you are listening with your heart, when tomorrow morning comes you will spontaneously be able to catch yourself. I will repeat again how to do this. When you first open your eyes, in that split second you are conscious. The I has not risen yet, but remember it's all happening in a second. So you've got to be aware, you've got to be awake, intelligent. Watch and you will notice that the I begins very faintly and becomes stronger. You can shout out, "Who are you?" That's the same as saying, "Who am I?" Who gave you permission to awaken? Observe, watch. The I will begin to lose momentum. The I will become weaker and weaker. The way it usually happens with people, with most people, is they're able to catch it for maybe a few seconds and then the I will take over completely. Do not be disappointed, that is the worst thing you can do. It has taken most people years, centuries perhaps to go all the way. Be happy with what you've got. But as you begin to do this practice diligently, everyday, that split second where you observe the I, will expand into a full second, into two seconds, into three seconds. In other words for those three seconds you will be self-realized to an extent. You will be conscious, period. You will not be conscious of this or that, you will be conscious. And you will feel something you never felt before, a joy. You will know you're on the right track. Then when the I takes over completely you can get up and go about your business and ask yourself, "Who am I? What is the source of the I?" During the day as the thoughts come to you, be receptive, be alert, question, "To whom do these thoughts come?" They come to me, "Who's me? Who am I? What is the source of the I?" Practice that all day. […] May you all experience bliss and your true Self. Robert Adams, T63: How Bad Do You Want To Awaken?

LETTING GO ISN’T SOMETHING “I” DO BUT JUST SOMETHING THAT APPEARS TO NATURALLY HAPPEN Letting go is often implied to be something we can do when one is experiencing circumstances that bother us. Letting go, however, isn’t something we do, nor is it done just when something seems to bother us. In fact, letting go is meditation of the Self on the Self by observing the non-self. It’s not just a letting go of things that seem to bother “us” but also the letting go of what doesn’t bother you as well. Letting go of even that which you seem to enjoy. Letting go of the experiences and the experiencer altogether. It’s the letting go of the person. Letting go of the “you” that is only a self-image in the mind, this separate self individual that doesn’t have an independent reality and is entirely relative to thoughts. This is liberation, this is true meditation. The person who doesn’t even exist isn’t who meditates. Just observe the one who appears to have cravings but do not identify with the mind’s creating yet another image of identity in the thoughts of “I am not the person but the observer observing the person,” or “I am now this witness witnessing the individual.” Notice how all desires always arise with this individual who appears in the mind as the I-thought. If you observe this supposed entity that really isn’t any entity at all and don’t identify with it then the “letting go” just happens effortlessly and spontaneously. If you abide here in this function of detached witnessing the desire/craving will subside and disappear on its own. Only the natural bliss of being will remain which desires only seem to veil and make seem like a temporary transient experience that really isn’t temporary, transient, nor experience. It just is. There is no Doer who can make the craving come or go away. There is no Doer that can do “letting go.” There is no Doer that can make change of the wanted or unwanted feeling or do the allowing of a negative feeling. It just happens, and if you abide in the witnessing non-identity you’ll soon realize there is no Doer. What appears to be happening just appears to be happening to absolutely no one. -iZuhm

So I rent a room in this house now. There is only one person staying in the same building to look after the place. He apparently like talking to me and taking every opportunity. Yesterday we've been talking in the kitchen while I was cooking and somehow we went onto his story when he had a surgery and he had his third heart stroke. He said that things became black and white and for a few seconds he was watching on that machine his heart beat turned into this straight line... And he suddenly felt s lot of bliss and became very peaceful. Welcome home, I thought. Another story. Yesterday I felt really wrong somehow I couldn't get up in the morning and also I couldn't focus and generally do anything. I went for a walk to meditate in the forest nearby which is noisy anyway. But on the way there was this dog really unfriendly and even attacky towards me. I have been just standing there watching him running around me and his owner couldn't take control of him. He said it's first time he behave like this. Must be something in me, I've replied. And indeed very different experience with the dog compared to my previous one when all I felt was love and peace.

There had been a strong craving for this one boy from past one month. But the boy seemed cool with and without distance. And when there was negligence it was killing me. For the first time I felt of full submission to someone, even a touch of him will make my whole body full of acetylcholine and dopamine. And he too admitted things like me being one in million and I m his very own Sun. Moment seem to cease with him, world use to shut dwn and the feeling of being one without constraints was realized and then followed...let me use the term "bliss". But all of a sudden due to some constraints he start ignoring me as if never heard of me. And my heart start feeling heavy and a constant pain was there. So rather than going into darkness of victim state I started asking positive questions. I asked myself, pain was for what, he being neglecting me or loosing him. Turns out to be both and former being more. I cried out most of the time and flushed my whole energy out on craving. I texted him like anything and told him how helpless I was feeling. I used to watch some inspirational vedioes and get fresh energetic but Bam with one picture of him all knowledge get swayed away and again craving. But following points made me out of this situation forever?: 1. Start looking for Self Love as mentioned by our Leo. Truely saying I raised my hand and asked universe to help me, mentioning how I m born and got every vitality because of this unknown natural force. And that we are the Source. We human are such a natural manifestor. Claririty start manifesting inside me. 2. Let all you have be out in the most elaborated form. Dont keep it to just yourself let your lover know this. It will slowly help in either realize your energy worth better or make him/her realize what he has done or what he gonna miss in life. 3. Somehow make communication with him and get things clear, i.e. concious uncoupling. 4. Rather than isolating yourself forever after a while of crying and shouting and long silence get in touch with friends you like to hang with. 5. Spend some lone time with yourself. And try to be observer. Meditate. Initially it may kill you more but magically it will take over...have faith. 6. Start taking care of yourself more than ever, exercise or long jogging are great. Guys, finally that pain is out of my heart and I m feeling so free... And the best part begin...not only He started communicating back but almost every corner is bouncing with amazing people and above all I feel myself no string attached situation and at the same time grounded. Cheers to life...cheers to SELF Love.

@Alex bliss Do you know you are you?

@Consilience @Alex bliss It is like if an actor is breaking the 4th wall during a film... Like imagine if Leonardo DiCaprio were to say this line in Inception where he would be speaking as his character Cob : "I remember when I was on the Titanic ship in my past life... My name was Jack" Imagination: from Cob's POV in the inception world time-line. Cob is only Cob. Real: from Leonard DiCaprio's POV. Leo was Jack in Titanic and is Cob in Inception. The POV where we look from determines if it's real or imaginary. Since both POVs are available and valid simultaneously it is both real and imagination, simultaneously.

@Serotoninluv I thought 5 meo dmt was not addictive. It is interesting that other psychedelics don't produce this craving. Maybe Dilaudid created a form of attachment to this profound mental state and when 5 meo-dmt at low levels reduced craving to a similar level, the mind has reacted with addictive behaviour, as occured with dilaudid. Maybe this can be one of the reasons why 5 meo was addicting to you? I can definitely get a sense of what you are talking about. Serenity, blissful joy, equanimity in the present moment. I'm pretty sure this is 1000 times deeper and more intense with Dilaudid, but meditative joy gets you these elements as well. Even though they are not on full awakening and nirvana levels of ecstasy, once they dominate consciousness on mid-levels, all negative states of minds go away and craving is radically reduced. The bliss is not subtle and is present in consciousness effortlessly with stability on significant levels. This also enables you to interact with people and do demanding tasks. You constantly walk with a smile on your face effortlessly. But I'm only a meditator with a few years of experience. I'm pretty sure a meditator who has spent decades of time with meditative joy can run with it, deepen it and get it to legit morphine levels with profound equanimity consistently. But we are only talking about the emotional aspects of this path. 5 meo gives you many more insights besides ecstatic emotions and unconditional happiness. Thank you for the comparison though

@Alex bliss amen <3

@Alex bliss There is a knowing that is a different type of knowing than your ego recognizing information. Sometimes it can be confusing and the ego takes ownership and makes things up just to make itself more interesting... to be a spiritual ego. But with that type of knowing, you just know, once you experience it you cannot doubt it. It's an inner, intuitive type of knowing, not a logical conclusion or a rationalization of any kind.

I have extreme sensitivity to psychedelics and I noticed after several satori experiences which were all with LSD and ALD-52 that I do not seem to have as much visuals when I take these substances like I did years ago. Like I recall LSD having more of a pronounced visual expression whereas now it is more clarity and more lucid than before. I have also been meditating and delving into the works by Chogyam Trungpa, Dilgo Khyentse, Gurdjieff, Taoist masters, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramakrishna, Nityananda, etc. There was one LSD trip in particular from like two years ago where I only took 3/4 of a tab and tab was not crazy in dosage but I had the most pronounced satori experience and I left my body(it was very difficult/impossible to remember this "peak" of the trip more so that anything else I have ever gotten into from psychedelics) and think I glimpsed the clear white light or some astral analogue of it I don't know. It was such a "feelling" of no reference and pure bliss/being at home and like everything existed simultaneously and like the heaven of heavens. Intuitively right when I came out of it I felt that this must be what enlightenment is or is a bit further up the continuum than what I glimpsed. I recall somewhat having spherical vision(It was like I was not seeing with my physical eyes and I remember Yogananda mentioning this feature to cosmic consciousness when Sri Yuktweswar granted him the glimpse in the book about the notion of spherical vision?). I don't have really anyone to speak about this with. Leo, would like to hear from you about this One of the "warnings" the Buddha gave was about not getting caught in the jhana states. The higher jhanas are sort of astral analogues of nonduality/enlightenment/omniscience/etc. I remember Ram Dass going into this on his latest Be Here Now podcast Here and Now episode recently posted called "asral fun" I think. So psychedelics are jhanic experiences in the vast majority of cases it seems

14-Day Dark Room Retreat On the first night, I entered around 7 pm and after getting comfortable with the space blew out the candle. Darkness. I will struggle to talk about how long I did anything for as I lost a clear sense of duration or time passing. I managed to maintain a day/night cycle though. My primary practice was contemplation, after a while of focused contemplation (and particularly in the second week) I found the contemplation fading away into meditation. The not-knowing became natural and blissful. I could sit effortlessly in love or fulfilment for hours. Generally, after a period of bliss, love, or samadhi I would experience mini ego-backlashes of fantasising and boredom. I found myself accepting this after a while. Expansion... and now I'm a person again. My fantasies got strange. I started dreaming of work, success, and business. Thinking about the intricacies of burgers. Childhood memories of certain places and foods. Food was a big one this time around. I would often realise I'm doing this and it's all occurring in my mind. It's imagination, not real, it's not actually here and I'm the one doing it. On day one I got hit with all of my hallucinations. I slept a little during day one, after that it became hard to sleep so I just had to keep contemplating through the night since there was nothing else I could do and if I lied down I would be more likely to fall into fantasising. I had hallucinations of a friend sitting on my bed, I could see him clearly. I hallucinated leaving the room, going outside and speaking with people. I realised this was a dream and started speaking with people conscious of this. I started being able to see the room as clear as day, without light. I was hallucinating this. I experiencing the room turning into an orchestral symphony, and realised I was composing an entire song unconsciously with my mind. Lyrics and all, like I was listening to it through stereo headphones. I did not do this for the hallucinations, I had come for the Truth. From day two onwards, there were no more of these. The first 5 or 6 days weren't too tough if I recall correctly. Days 6 - 8 were the hardest, knowing I had another week to go. On day 8, I got a nice hit of effortless sitting, bliss, love. This was a confirmation of trust and surrender for me. I could feel presence giving me the consciousness, almost whispering to me: I'm always here, just trust, you really think I would ever do anything but love you. The second week my contemplation got more fluid. I started contemplating: What is invention What is mind What is innovation What is technology What is love What is eternity What is reality What am I What is life What is self What is another What is death I'm experimenting with my contemplation style. I had just worked on a single question for 2 weeks in a Contemplation Intensive. This time I would switch a lot more. I also found that I was by far the most conscious in the early afternoons through evenings. And felt the least conscious shortly after waking up. I also made some new distinctions in my experience based on Ralston's consciousness work. I didn't lose myself in Nothing/Love/Truth. I expanded my sense of self, purged some resistance. I didn't have what I consider a full non-dual awakening. But I can be lightly conscious of God, perhaps somewhere between catching and taming the ox (or maybe not, just my intepretation). When I departed I didn't know what to expect. I felt pretty normal in the darkroom, sober and not all that conscious at that moment an hour or so after waking up. I opened the door at sunrise. I took a few steps and then had to sit down because I was so conscious, so high, I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk more than a few steps without losing my balance. Reality was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, colours, form, sound. Life. I could feel myself in the plants, I marvelled at my hands, how amazing it all is. It was divine, I had no idea I was this high in there. It was stronger than any acid trip I'd ever done, barring a 600ug trip. It was akin to a light 5-MeO microdose. And, it can't be compared. There is an unfathomable beauty in being that conscious and being completely sober. It feels so right, that reality is actually this good, actually, not with anything else needing to be there. I have some signs when I'm going deeper, guidances. The presence of a dog, or what I can only describe as guiding Sam-energy. Within seconds of stepping out, a beautiful dog came and sat with me. There was a love between us, he licked me, I stroked him. I did a meditation that morning, and then stood in the sun. The sun was a warm loving bliss. I'd never appreciated the sun this much in my life. I've come down a bit since then. I can still see God in the trees if I focus. My baseline has been significantly upped. I was offered a little weed a few days after getting out. I had a very small amount and it was perhaps the most insightful and blissful yet intense experiences with weed. I feel so much more purified now as well, I can sit with people in a deep not-knowing without much fear, letting myself be authentic without much fear. I will keep becoming more God, truly appreciate life and reality more fully, what I am. Live in not-knowing and no-mind. I am able to be more comfortable operating in no-mind now, there is less fear in me and more trust. It didn't solve everything. I'm still worried about survival concerns, what to make my career out of, to pursue business or spirituality. I struggle with this one a lot. I still get sadness and existential emptiness at times. The journey has only just begun. Peter Ralston Fall Series I did the entire fall series workshop, ending in a 2-week long contemplation intensive. This is (I believe), the only time that a 2 weeker has been offered at the Cheng Hsin centre. It was perfect, I would have struggled much more with the darkroom had I not just done this. The consciousness work itself was great, Brendan Lea was our primary facilitator. I had concerns about the work not being led by Ralton, but they were completely unfounded. Brendan was great to work with, and it was work. It wasn't easy, long days and deep work. I didn't grasp a lot, of course. The seeds were planted and my ability to do consciousness work effectively has increased. My only suggestion to those intending to do it, expect to also NEED to get the audio courses and eCourses afterwards. There is too much and it goes fast, you won't get it all and will need to do the work ongoing. This consciousness work is pretty advanced, so I wouldn't go to the centre without some prior consciousness. Just a little bit should be fine, who knows, go and see for yourself I guess. I wasn't a big fan of the Enlightenment Intensive format. I feel I can go deeper by myself, without a partner. The partner is there to help focus and not get so lost in fantasy. I definitely get lost in daydreaming or losing the question when I'm alone, it's more fluid. If reality starts to feel beautiful, I go into the beauty for a bit. The CI was not like this. There is an appreciation for life that I have when getting out of these intensives. It is so beautiful, so entertaining. It's hard to imagine a better place to spend my time, I'm so happy to have this life to deepen consciousness. Learn and grow. Please ask me about the experience, I would love to answer any questions or help clarify my experience with Ralston, Brendan and the Cheng Hsin centre or the darkroom. ❤️Thank you, much love, and I wish all of you courage and determination on your own journeys. It's worth it. ❤️

For me, the dosage of 5-meo stimulates different flavors of trips. I'm comparing a relatively low 5-meo dose to dilaudid below. My trips with dilaudid was when I was in a hospital with a kidney stone. The first was the most profound. The nurse didn't drip through an IV - she shot it into me all at once. There was a wave that overtook me and I was like "Whoa. . . what was that?". . . I immediately loved it. And not just for the cessation of physical pain. Everything was ok. No problems, no worries. No nothing. There was pure bliss in the moment. There was no place in the world I would have rather been than that hospital room. It was like taking a trip to Bora Bora and being on the beach getting a massage. Yet even better. The energy was peace, bliss and love. Time stopped. It was deeper than a simple feel-good pleasure. There was an essence of bliss, peace, love and Now. A few years later, I tried 5-meo for the first time - a low/moderate dose. After reading reports online, I had some anxiety about the impending ego death. Yet it wasn't like that at all. There was a little bit of resistance and letting go. Then there was a surreal peace, bliss, love and connection,. It was very different than any psychedelic trip I've had. It reminded me more of the dilaudid trip years ago. I thought "That's what heroin is like" (even though I've never done heroin). Then I got online and started reading about people's experience with 5-meo and heroin. There are actually forums with people talking about 5-meo and heroin trips that were using 5-meo in the same context of heroin. I understood. . . . Later, I watched a documentary on Janis Joplin and all her turmoils. There was a part about her addiction to heroin and how it was the only thing that could get her to "that place". I felt like I knew that place Janis went to. I would say there are similarities at low/moderate 5-meo doses. There is a presence of being absolutely ok in the present moment that is a form of bliss. Its hard for me to describe this essence of Now-ness. . . Differences: there was zero resistance, anxiety or discomfort with dilaudid. It was pure wonderful. As well, there were cravings afterward for more. Even after one exposure, my body wanted more and my mind was scheming to get more. My mind thought maybe I could convince them to give me a dilaudid prescription. And I was willing to pretend my symptoms were worse to get a script (I didn't get one). I think there is very high risk of dependency and addiction with dilaudid. With 5-meo, there was also a mind-body craving that I never experienced with psychedelics. This gave me concern. Yet the craving wasn't as intense as with dilaudid. I think because 5-meo wasn't quite the same type of bliss. 5-meo also a bit of physical and mental discomfort with it during the comeup.

@Serotoninluv The deep all encompassing happiness is what i'm after. Not necessarily the peak experience of joy, bliss etc. I think of it like if you could go meta and observe your life from somewhere else, is the totality of your experience happiness. Are you living a good life? Of course if you are mid yoga and your body is throbbing you may not be "happy", but this all part of your happy life. I don't like going into theory too much because i feel like the truth i'm seeking is the opposite of theory, i guess i'm just hoping someone will say something that clicks and produces a change in me. But i just gotta keep going.