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About Applegarden

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  • Birthday 03/31/1996

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  1. how can u associate blackpilled with guide i am curious?
  2. @Bittu Sure man, i am all in 100%. x)
  3. Lot of stuff to do, i will have nothing for a long time. Tought i could share something. Felt a strange surge of energy at work, i am trying to figure my life purpose. I could be focusing my music theory knowledge and musicianship concepts for isnpiration, and obviously pumping out videos. But i kinda want to make music more. I was listening to some pieces i wrote, some are like at least 3 years old. Maybe i should finish all my midi pieces i have started. Some of them are microtonalized. This one i tried to learn back in 2018 and gave up half-way trough. I even ordered a cello part on fiverr and composed the rest out of that. One of the first tracks i ever composed. This one is composed with 2 octave diatonic serialism-like methods and has 12 tone rows afterwards. This one is weirdly interesting in its progressions. This one is kinda ambient at the start and with an intense buildup. I have cried to this personally many times, this track is a symbol that is so dear to me. This one sounds like more casually prog,however i like the structure of this song. First composition i ever wrote! It contrasts well to the rest of them. I feel very weird about these ones. I kinda make it work and listened back to it it sounds better than i tought it would. I love this track but i have spent the longest time reworking it and i still feel unhappy about it. This reminds me of a time i was heavily into Defectnoises (long story for another time of the man Marian Gradinarski of Defectnoises). I completely forgot about this one hahahaha. This one is by far the most saturated with 12 tone rows and it sounds a bit neo-classical. Wouldn't say its finished but it was not far from being finished. This one is happy-sad and nice and fusioney. Somebody wanted to make a song with me far back and i composed this, nothing special however. Something like that, i am just passing trough time of stagnation and i am waiting to act after i finish my school work and then i will see what i do. I feel sometimes i am putting myself down, however i feel that i acctually did alot. however i still feel insecure and in a need to get alot better. Anyhow how i write differs from what i tend to play, don't know if its a curse or a blessing. I hope you enjoy to listen to my little abominations. x) I have even more compositions, but i didn't want to share more.
  4. @Thittato Cool asthetic to you man!
  5. I am sure you have tried alot of things @Leo Gura, however i may suggest looking into certain food groups that may cause subtle alergic reactions that lead to hormonal imbalance over time, however i think you already have covered this.
  6. @Leo Gura Hey Leo, could psychedelics affect your thyroid? Like in a way that spiking could cause fatigue in a way? Just guessing.
  7. 29.03.2020 ---------------- Suprisingly enough, when i am just about to move away back to my brother's and face those "awesome" neighbours i am going to face, the other awesome neighbours bursted out yesterday in some family outbreak and of course, some of that anger was directed at me. I felt very full of paralyzing fear for about 3 minutes. Like fear of death kind of fear. Not because of him screaming some curse words at me trought the wall at 5am. But because it awakened other strong fears that are left in me. Feels like music will be taken away from me, or that guy will inevitably phsically assault me. Pretty intense, however he tried so hard to wake me up and he did, but i guess he expected to annoy me. Now that is harder to do because, if i am not sleeping i am meditating while lying. And i am blissful anyways. And whatever drama mostly feels like it never happened, there is exceptions however. But even then, they are much much less. And the freedom i feel when i unclutch of that mental dhiarea after that. If you acctually ignore them and unclutch, you win. Only scenario you win. I don't feel treathened now, but one thing that caught me, he shouted at me that i am some kind of parasite or smth. That got to me, because of course, some insecurity is there, some wrong conclusion about my value system is there, the problem is that i feel that they are right about something, they are something better than me, thats why they are criticising me. My values are placed at validation and my happiness is placed externally on a condition that i need to have this status or that little amount of suffering. I underestood how much suffering i can take if i need to. Much much more than i think i can probably. For whatever reason he called me that and other names, whatever, the problem is with me somehow accepting it as true deep down emotionally. However the enmity i feel is not alot left. Acctually the thing is why i want to give up many pleasures and desires is because - to not be judged by others as that, for example, junk food eater, unhealthy, gaming addict, masturbation addict, anda few other things i guess that i do. But to some things i am immune. Just these few. I would personally quit them later i guess, however there is a good reason to quit them anytime as they don't serve me anyway. This is a good wakeup call to move foward and not becoming like these people. Anyhow. Suppose a scenario happens when i am forced to not play guitar? 1. I would just buy 2 88 midi synths and keep practicing them, just switching the instruments untill better times come for guitar; 2. I would buy a car and garage and get a battery - and i would literally practice my guitar at my car; 3. I would still keep composing MIDI; 4. I would still learn, organize theory and give some free lessons to people; 5. I would visit some musical or other events with like minded people to reignite my passion; 6. I would contact the musicians that i know from time to time to reignite my passion; 7. I would be listening to music 1 hour a day with my eyes closed; 8. I could focus on new skills as solfegio and ear training. Anyhow, lets be really serious, if i keep being suppressed like that, i will just move on to spirituality, i mean its ok that i can't do it now and it takes some dedication for it and so on, howeveri don't know if i even are going to have an enviroment to practice. That is super sad and maybe for a long time, so i am just asking to myself - what the fuck is the point of this suffocation and slavery to some manchildren who only know how to express their anger and resentment at other people and try to take other people down who wish to express themselves. Its just too much. I would just move to full time spirituality after work and just be done with it, enjoying the purposlesness of life and really taking new levels of not caring what anybody thinks because what is left for me to lose then? My passion for music is one of the few things i have really left. Anyhow, in times like these, i look for solutions and i listen to various Gurus and stuff in that nature. Why? Because nobody i know can give such a subtle advice that makes the difference in my life. I have so much love for them for that. They really can help you if you apply their advice. Let me share some satsangs which helped me and help me to this day when i am dealing with so called enemies.
  8. @Husseinisdoingfine I think in all honesty, this goes for me too, for visible transformation in your life - yes, you should quit them, so do i.
  9. Yeah, as a response to conservative devilry i am a somewhat leftie.
  10. Thank you! You look nice aswell!
  11. 28.03.2020 I feel really down in terms of pursing my life purpose, because more depressing and suffocating things are happening in my life. I guess i have to wait. I am moving back with my brother now, for the duration of corona, because i would technically be in quarantine, because i was contacting my mom's husband, who is a truck driver and is arriving soon. I hate to go and live there because of that neighbours i have upstairs. They are like your typical conservative hardcases. Overmoralistic, point at you at every little bullshit, think that you have to be re-educated for my views and lifestyle (which is by no means far from perfect from all) and of course consantly laughing at you, passively-agressivly bullying you, calling you names and try to shout at you for some time at the day, hoping it will stick to you. Ohh and gossiping and whatever. And it goes full circle and they think i am the bad person, again i am not saying i am perfect, but i think they are much more ignorant and unwilling to expose their own hypicrisy with their moralizing. I am talking about the same people and the same old lady who might think i am a pedophile (i don't know but i can tell you really unpleasant stories of her blatantly trying to victimize herself and her granddaurgher into looking like i am a sexual predator). And of course is trying me to stop playing guitar and then laughing about me not playing it. Same person. Very. Depressing. How do you deal with such poisionous, adharmic, manipulative people. The thing is i stopped masturbating when i lived there, because, i felt so suppresed and guilty that i will almost be seen as a sexual predator for doing that. Its just mindbreaking. Not like i don't want to quit it, however its so depressing living there. And its not like i do it loud or be abnoxious with it just like almost all men do it, in secret. I don't know how long will the corona last, however i may rarely touch the guitar until my studies finish, And i also have to go to work today and tomorrow, 2-3 times a day. And can most likely fail and get shouted at, altho what i do its kinda very responsible and hard to correct. basically i took this job because no one else in that workplace does. And that i couldn't say no at that day, at least i felt like, when i was taking the job. I don't even care for the face that i will die, if i do due to the corona. I know, i know, i may think whatever and so on, unimaginably horrible pain and suffocation but in the mindset of being open to death, you see that you have nothing to lose. And if i accept that i may die, nothing is really mine anyways. So i try to enjoy the little things and stay in my awareness and reading "The Music Lesson" on my phone, because i can do that at work when something is being frozen and i have to wait. Can't really spend anything else also, who knows what crisis is going to happen, however i am trying to develop more of intuition and independence from people around me. And looking for ways to more towards pro-artistic lifestyle. Even if i have to work. I don't want to dwelve with these stage blue people in my private life, i don't want to become undead like them. All they are capable of it hatred, confusion, moralisation, envy, jelousy, victim mentality and to rub all of that to somebody in a form of gaslighting. I have grown quite a bit, but many of my life's areas need improvement, besides this drama i am going to face once again. But i guess i am not going to quit music either, acctuall the idea behind 2 quartertonal synths is that is the MOST quiet instrument i can play on headphones, it will keep me lubricated technique wise and will reduce the practice i need on guitar if i manage to not play for a while. Even tho my guitar is quiet, nothing will fucking stop me playing this no matter if they are purposly banging or talking shit. Then let them come and violently assault me or kill me, i have nothing to lose, i think i will just tell them, if i get confronted, if you want to ruin my life, JUST KILL ME. Such a flame burns inside me, I WANT TO BE NOTHING THESE STAGNANT CHILDISH PEOPLE ARE. And that very woman calls me an idiot and has convinced her granddaughter to call me an idiot. Amazing values, childrens happiness is not as important as this inflated drama from unresolved self-hatred and immense hatred for the world around her. I underestand, somebody collectively womited on her, now she refined that and is vomiting onto me, i will take responsibility to stop this cycle of foolishness. Not wanting to look into yourself and seeing your devilry that comes out of your worldview. But i am an idiot. Sure there is insecurity of me too, because i am unsuccessful, and having a wrong value that something outer and external defines me whatsoever. Yeah, that is such a wrong assumption altogether. Thats is why i need more intensity into my spiritual practices also, and more consistency. I can't even relate to her anger, how can you be so angry all the time. Anger is something you create, arent you aware of at least some of it? The best way is to accept that you are angry and see what you can do with it. Well it would be cool if you didn't have to suffer and be in frustration to disperse it, however some suffering to see your own demons will be there, and you will remeber that you get more and more free. This is exactly my experience. Don't get me wrong, i am not depressed, just a little confused and upset that i can't have the enviroment and freedom to practice music and eventually to produce it, thats mainly what i would like to do. But i don't see that coming for a good while however. For the most part you are but a slave to somebody else, everything happens similary just like in prison, if you know how to sneak out and say the right things and be cocky when needed, you will evade many things other will have to face. If you say too much, god forbid, the truth about something and what you acctually think, you can get fucked pretty farily easily. Truth about things is not accessible or even exposed to you, you have to get contrasting opinions and your own personal experience into something to see fragments of it. If you express yourself you will get parasites and enemies trying to control you and break you and most importantly, in my case, if you are such a person who will say yes to alot of things and will likely avoid conflicts and just do things then, guess what, you will be used by the stage blue, orange apparatus. I am not giving up for sure and nothing is set in stone, however i feel i am wrong for being who i really am and express that, and i feel like i am treated like an utility, so my talents really never find expression, this is the case for most people. Almost all. Even artists who think the got it going. Even successful people. Because of things done for the wrong reason. Not even talking about the blue collars with substance, internet and TV abuse who crearly don't find expression that lies within. And our lifestyle is ot helping at all. If we survive me and my friend Blake wanted to fully collaborate and make music together, because we kinda resonate with each other. We both like weird music and would probably like the end result of us collaborating. That would be just bathsit insane but its just dreams now. For now, i don't even know he will stay alive or even I. Corona has spread massively in the US. And these things take time. I will make sure to be ready even if synth becomes my main instrument which is OK, but would like to play guitar more. Much more, i wish i could go after work in my local music school and just have a room to practice or smth. Feels good to express what is happening to me. I can't talk about this with anybody, and i guess there is no need. Everyone is goinf trough their individual struggles. One funny point about my sexuality. Yes i am into women, however i avoided the initial oppurtinities i had to be in a relationship, i am feeling like i don't really want a sexual intercose, altho i masturbate. For sure there is ALOT more to that, however... "Ohh, you just haven't tried it." Yeah, and i am thinking, why would i try anymore? I have found some things not alot of people know, if you found them, how would you feel? Not to say that i have something extraordinary but a drop of that is like an ocean by itself. How would you feel if you could center your energies around your crown center at your will. Will relationship be a priority for you still? Will you acctually want something that you only did for compulsion or to get some short high? If you want to transcent these physical compulsions, still you have to work with them to banish them, otherwise they will be lurking and slowing down you on your path. However its complicated, you can still fully embrace them and enjoy them in full intensity, but the very compulsion and guilt is also preventing you from enjoying them. I wish for future generations that you won't have to go trough whatever we are going trough. Like previous generations say, army is what you need. And for that, i will leave them this video. Do you really think this campus of chronic bullying the weak, arogance-fest campus will make you into a man? Yeah you get exposed to certain discipline, but for the wrong reasons - to serve the country or smth, or to be a man, both will fail you. You will realize that these ideas are very dangerous acctually and will prevent you from growing and acctually becoming intelligent. People who are seeing things how they are are very dangerous for establishments. Discipline and integrity for your passions and living a life you would like, that is much more open, not sure if the best strategy. Anyhow, this ties with the old lady asking her son or grandson or some relative out loud this question: "How do we chastise/school him(make him right)?" Well that is a million dollar question acctually. I am wondering how to too... However the result between her idea and what i will acctually become will go 180 degrees differently. School into what? Into a self-hating hypocrite? Into being unhappy piece of shit? And then the relative answered. "With a fist, blyat." And i got a bit of a chuckle, ahh alost exposed yourself to your devilry, didn't you? At the end of the day my main mistake is to take these people seriously at all, the problem is much deeper - from my childhood, the patern of fearing punishment or judgement, for these reasons also i wrote it but the ideal strategy is to self-reflect this privately, working with my emotions and ignorning these people as much as i can and ultimately - move away. These people will try to leech all life you have and your creativity will suffer.
  12. @Yog Thanks man! Recommend to anyone, good shit!
  13. @Sombra Whatever floats your boat my friend.
  14. @ivankiss Its acctually B0 I have everyting tuned pretty standard in 4th's, however i will mod this by adding 24 more frets in the middle of existing frets. Then... omg, acctually if corona was not real, it would already sit in luthiers office! Why B0? To test my sound prod skills and see what i need to mod to get decent sound since the legth of the neck is pretty nice, i would just to drill a bigger hole into the tuner to increase the tension by adding a bass string. And B0 adds a different voicing options for the same shapes in 4th's tuning. Do you have axes too?