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* Initiate quantum suicide *

distract them for few minutes from suicidal thoughts. That should do the work. probably 99% suicidal thoughts/attempts are not clearly and consciously chosen decision made over a long period of time. Mostly it is just a fickle mind virus that takes one over for a short time. If that short time can be countered by shifting the attention to something else, usually that suicide impulse die out as well.

Suicide or mahasamadhi? if you do decide to go, don't go into the white light. It's false. Stay in the void, don't go down the tunnel... https://www.trickedbythelight.com/tbtl/light.shtml

@FoxFoxFox i say suicide is the easy way out rather than actually dying Bored consciousness? I like that

@Sharp Fun fact: when you die, you will just come back. I suggest you try and get a direct experience of death while keeping your body alive. You'll see how consciousness literally gets bored and recreates the world to reincarnate directly. It makes suicide kinda pointless.

@ASJ hey. welcome to the forum i am no expert in this field and i hope someone else also shares their POV/answer with you. but i will tell you this. people have many perspectives and all differ. if you show a random object to a room of 50 people, there will be 50 different ways it is being viewed/thought about. what helps me in situation such as yours in truly viewing the situation from the other person's Point of view (pov) keep in mind, there are only relative POVs. yours vs others. you have to understand that nobody just does anything or believe in something for the sake of it... if you do not believe in ghosts and someone else does, then you have to truly understand this . understand that to the one believing in ghost or demons, it is as real a fact as earth being round for example. to someone who has had a paranormal experience, it is a very true thing... a doctor or scientist may give him/her explanation which stems from their own understanding and pov... but it doesn't change the fact that the person directly experienced it for themselves. each party always only (naturally) protects its own interest. when you happen to be on the opposing side, there naturally will be conflict it is like watching a game of football and either supporting team A or team B. there is no "right" team who should win or deserves to win. it is just a game and there are 2 teams and supporters for each side. so before cutting off ties. just UNDERSTAND that the other party do not view their actions/beliefs are wrong and they are 100% correct for them as anything you might believe is 100% for you. a suicide bomber 100% believes that he will be going to heaven after doing his deed. to him, it is such a strong deep belief that he willingly blows himself up for it IT IS ALL RELATIVE

@Zigzag Idiot @tsuki I really appreciate your input and intend to respond later. First, some observations this morning. Now that I've been on dates with 4 girls, I get nervous about how and when to propose a next date. And what if they say no? I know the answer to that: I get over it and meet new people. This is the flow of life. So even though I feel more at ease now that I can meet and connect with girls when I want to, I'm still clinging to these particular ones. Not as tightly as if it would be a single person, but still. The feeling of abundance is increased, but not the deep abundance. But I can't help to draw a parallel: I meet a few girls, now I'm scared to lose them. Rich people don't have peace, they worry about their money. I have had an underlying assumption, pretty much all my life, that getting enough money and sex is working towards inner peace. It made sense: my path isn't blocked by lack of anything, I don't have to work so I'm free. I don't have to worry about money because there is enough. I don't have to be harsh with myself to go meet girls because that part is so integrated that it happens by itself. But what if that's wrong? Businesses take work to maintain, you can worry about those. Even plainly having a ton of cash is a huge responsibility: you have to worry about how your investments are doing, you have to make sure that you give enough to charity and that people are seeing that, because more eyes are on you. Most of your friends will be fake friends who hope to get stuff from you. This alone can drive people to suicide. It's still worth doing, but it's not a way to end all worries. You're just worrying about different things. Like RSDTyler likes to say: "Increase the QUALITY of your problems." I'm seeing a couple different girls now. I mean, I don't know whether I'll see them again, and I worry about that I noticed this morning that I want to text them all and set a next date, so that I can feel safe. But I noticed that would be coming from the wrong place, so I didn't. On top of that, I have more Tinder matches than I have attention or energy for. So I kind of gave up, and am seeing all these potential connections being ignored by me, and dying. This also bugs me. Also in the words of RSDTyler: "Stop trying for completion. There is no completion. It will never come." I'm paraphrasing. But, it pans out so far. A few months ago I set out to change my habits and activities so that I would get closer to my goals. Work out, eat better, meditate regularly, get laid, make LP plans. I worked on all of those. What did it bring me? Greater life satisfaction. I don't feel like I'm "wasting" my life anymore Better sense of self-worth. I like explaining my life to people, and don't feel inferior and envious opposite almost everyone, like before. And this is profound. For me. When getting to know people, but also with good friends, I remember always feeling like they have their shit together sooo much more than I do, I'm a mess. That's gone! I know what I'm doing and not doing, and it needs work but I feel valuable and together already. Decreased neurosis. The constant "I should eat better, dammit, I should get laid, damn it, I should ..." chatter is diminished. Greater confidence in my ability to achieve and push through. Because I fell out of the diet and got back up. Now, I fell out of meditation habit, and that makes me feel guilty still, but I'm certain that I'll pick it back up. I feel more comfortable in public places. I used to feel very self-conscious and projecting how people (strangers) see me. When I would overhear conversation, I would project whether I would be friends or foes with these people. There's a lot less of that. Sometimes I just automatically talk to a stranger. And after that it's easy to let go of that connection as well. What did it not bring me? Inner peace. Nothing to worry about. The ability to have an empty mind most of the day. I'm writing this because I'm feeling stressed about a lot of things, and I was hoping to get rid of that. I have to check my phone, answer my email, take care of my relationships, keep a calendar, et cetera et cetera. Also, if I understand David Deida correctly, merging with the feminine is a temporary moment of bliss and emptiness, which the masculine is always seeking, after which he has his purpose to get back to. Giving his deepest gift. Always willing to fight for peace, emptiness, that he never gets to keep. So if there's no end to the rat race, the stress, it becomes more important to be relaxed in it. Since the only way out is death or enlightenment, and both of those are probably far away, I might as well value inner calm over everything. Get some mindfulness into my day. Since that's all the peace I'm going to get. The peace in my daily life. It's not going to happen when I reach the next level: when I get more money or sex. I will have to strive to live peacefully despite there always being things to worry about. At every level. Got up at : 9:30 Days in a row with morning routine : 0 Number of women approached : 19 Total infield time : 12h10 Total meditation time : 13h45 Speeches given : 2 Books read : 0 Currently reading : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al. Days without smoking : 69 alcohol : 4 caffeine except tea : 6 TV : 0 grains : 17 sugar : 7 dairy : 23 peak orgasm : 5 porn : 26

That doesn't address the problem of the solipsistic madness Leo keeps pedalling in his most recent videos. The belief that I am god and all of you people on this forum are just fake cardboard cutouts is pure madness and it goes against the view that all of us are appearances within consciousness and we all exist together as that. As such I can no longer consider Actualized.org as a platform for personal or spiritual development. The stuff he comes out with is dangerous and a catalyst for psychosis and suicide. If you are all that exists and everything is just fake and empty then you may as well be dead. That is not the fullness of life nor is it awakening. I will be going to a mental health specialist to try and repair the damage Actualized. org has done to me before it is too late.

Tinnitus is a ringing in ears and head, kind of like a buzzing sound which can drive people to commit suicide, it causes stress , anxiety, and there is no cure for it. And now my goal of life is to experience enlightenment and want to achieve real happiness is it still possible for me !

@Nahm I might just be ignorant about the topic, but I don't think Adolf Hitler actually killed anyone by his own hands (he might have during the war when he served in the Austrian military, and ofc there are the allegations that he forced his wife into suicide). Anyhow, There is no doubt that his ideology brought about the death and suffering of millions of people, and that is the issue. Like Winterknight said in another thread. The problem is in the psyche. So no. I wouldn't kill Adolf Hitler. I would try to help him get over his demons, if I could. So the answer to all of those questions is no. I wouldn't kill him even if i had the chance during the height of his power and destruction. I don't think death is a suitable penalty even for a murderer who kills personally.

I get that this may be funny for you and I can understand that but please see that I am going through a very difficult existential crisis with all of this and I am seeking help as it has caused me to suffer from depression which may go on to psychosis if left unchecked. Please understand how destructive the idea that the computer in front of me right now as well as the rest of my family actually have no form of existence whatsoever. That shit can really mess people up and I hope that nobody has committed suicide after watching some of the deeper stuff Leo creates.

In general, please avoid clickbait titles and twisted themes of death, torture, suicide etc.

Well first of all I think it's awesome that you are so open about your dissatisfaction with life. I worry a lot of people are afraid of being judged, or afraid that maybe it means they aren't as spiritually advanced as they'd like to think they are if they admit they are suffering. So yeah, being honest I think will really pay off for you. I suffered through a period of extreme numbness. It's a long story but some shit friends thought I had basically died from an overdose of synthetic weed and were about to leave me, that whole experience left my dreams feeling more real than reality, and that wasn't a good thing because my dreams were basically me getting my throat slit or shot and killed, the whole circus. The numbness was protecting me from extreme trauma, but I still fucking hated it. I will take my emotional tenderness, or my tears, or my anxiety over that shit any fucking day. My worry and I think you're aware of this is that the numbness as terrible as it is, is trying to help you avoid the trauma of all the anxiety and depression that you are feeling all coming out at once. LSD really lights up my nervous system, and I'm worried for you that two tabs (which is quite a lot) would be very intense for a first time user. I remember my one tab experience was plenty intense on my first try. It's definitely awesome that you're looking for direction, but I see it being hard to find direction in a numbed up state. How do you expect to get a feel for what you want, if you don't feel. As someone who climbed out of numbness, emotional meditation really did a lot for me. I just focused basically on the most emotionally intense sensation in my body and worked on relaxing into it, and developing tenderness towards it. My personal recommendation would be to practice a more emotionally based meditation leading up to this trip, to help take some of the repressed emotions off your plate so you aren't too overwhelmed by a tsunami. It also sounds like you have some issues with your work especially. I would probably get out on paper a lot of the self hate and anger (if there is any) that is centered around your job and kind of pre-process those emotions so you aren't blasted with self-hate when you trip. Now during the trip, you just gotta relax, the trip is going to be a trip. You can't really know what you're going to get. I've been tucked in by an ethereal motherly entity. I've had trips where my awareness was so centered on people eyes and mouths and how they looked at each other searching for social queues ( I was tripping in a NY subway). I've had trips where I saw visuals of huge pillars full of these laughing emoticons, laughing at me for thinking I existed in a way that I didn't. The trips have all had their own taste, so it can be hard to prepare a bit or tell you what you're going to get. I've never regretted taking a tab, and then a half tab or another tab afterwards when I wanted a bit more. Like you're welcome to take two, but why not 1 the first hour and see how it goes, and then the other. They will overlap and you'll still get the strength of two if you want it, but you'll be a lot safer which is important. There isn't too much you need to know during the trip, just surrender to it as best you can, and try to take any lessons your direct experience is offering you. It will give you lessons trust me haha, you don't gotta do anything special when you're on acid other than be present and surrender imo. One of my best friends when he was younger had a bad shroom trip and nearly killed himself, so if you have any firearms at your house or things that you can cause self-harm with. Put them somewhere where you can't get to them during the trip please, your car keys too (he tried suicide by car basically). I don't want to scare you, but safety first, cause why not. I also hope you've tried smoking weed, or have some experience in altered states of consciousness. If you haven't I would smoke a joint first, I'll literally mail you one haha

I know, Leo's videos are addressing egos. If I saw myself everwhere, that would be kind of interesting but if I literally created it all and everything and everyone else is a total illusion or cardboard cutouts as Rupert Spira said, that would send me into a state of unfathomable terror and total insanity. A loneliness from which suicide would not be an escape.

I m expecting to finish this project in 1 - 2 years. I hope not 3. There is one more thing to work at myself. Right now I m doing research and write down sentences when I have an insight which is aligned with my vision. My objective is a best seller. Now I m courious how the readers will react at storyes about deep depression, suicide, the slavery of sec 21, and things like that.. Some examples with good memoirs will be great.

I'll give you another perspective. One that's in a way categorically different than what I see most comments be about here. But you do have to pay close attention, because it's easily misunderstood. This is a dangerous one I'm posting here if not properly understood, and I'm taking a great gamble by posting this. this is why I strongly urge you to read through the entire article before making up your mind about what my post is about. People try to frame the situation in a positive light, or they try to encourage you to live. My feeling is that this is in many cases this is simply out of fear of death. You can look at this situation from a different angle. Your title states you don't want to live anymore. Most people here want to prevent you in some way or another from having a self-destructive or suicidal attitude. I'm not that kind of person. Why would you even begin to post that you don't want to live anymore? Why even state it? If you don't want to live anymore, then simply commit suicide. Why would you start a topic about it? This is not because I want you to commit suicide, but I'm just arguing from your perspective. It's clear to me that you post this so you can see if there are any reasons you can find to keep on living. You want to find encouragement. At least be honest about that. Don't create such a post about it where you constantly give a counterargument or negative reply to anything any other person suggests here. If you are really so certain that you don't want to live anymore, then why are you still alive? You would already have taken your own life by now Start by being honest with yourself and others. Instead of pretending to be this person that doesn't want to live anymore, admit that you do want to keep on living and to have reasons for it —or certainly at least a part of you does. Reframe the topic and reframe the intention of it. Instead of taking on this life-negative approach, be honest with yourself and frame it like this: "Part of me feels like I don't want to live anymore, but another part of me definitely does want to keep on living. Can you guys help me to find reasons or reframes that would give me encouragement to keep on living?". Start with this honesty, at least. But even if you have all the reasons that have ever and will ever exist to keep on living, this wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough, because it would merely a fight against the part of you that doesn't want to keep living. It doesn't matter if you believe in reincarnation and therefore suicide would be useless, or that you would be condemned to hell if you would commit suicide, or that life has potential to be full of joy... It doesn't matter what you believe here. If those reframes and "positive thoughts" are simply repression against your desire for annihilation, the shadow of it will always keep on following you, no matter what you do or believe in. If you are really sincere about your inquiry for truth, admit that no thought has a preference over the other. This means even that the survival drive has no preference over the suicidal urge. None at all. Suicide is just as relevant as life is. To choose suicide is just as a feasible, relevant idea as the idea to keep on living is. Consider it. Ponder upon it. Inquire about it with absolute sincerity. See how everything that is considered "Negative" or "bad" can be argued in such a way that it can become something constructive or positive. Just try it, even if it doesn't feel real to you and if it only appears only theorethical. Start with "theorethically", if nothing else. Here is the interesting part about it: If you have absolutely no resentment anymore against the idea of committing suicide, it will lose its appeal. To be wanting to commit suicide, means that you want to escape life, that you want to escape suffering. If you are absolutely okay with death, you will be absolutely okay with life also. Because you are allowing yourself to step out of it at any moment, there is absolutely no problem, absolutely no struggle. Then anything that accompanies life, will simply be a fun game to you, like the way a child plays a game. Even physical discomfort and pain will be of no worry to you. Because for all you know, you could be gone tomorrow. you have become okay with it, at least. Then why bother about discomfort? Life becomes so light, so worryless. Now, life will simply be an amazing game, an amazing play in which everything appears as a sort of holy perfection. What I've described above is the realization I had about half a year ago on the topic of suicide. I struggled with the same kind of resentment I had towards the idea of suicide (which I feel like it's appropriate to assume OP must be having otherwise this topic wouldn't be here). Even though I wasn't actively depressed or suicidal, I still felt a certain fear and dread about the idea that one day it could happen that I would take my life, until I suddenly realized that it ultimately matters if I do or don't commit suicide. At that point, I suddenly felt very peaceful and life became suddenly so wonderful. It felt like such a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I took notes at that point to describe my realization. I still have it on my phone. I'll type it out: "Relaxed. My problems appear no longer as something serious. Primarily, there's simply worrylessness and playfulness towardws everything. Everything appears as a silly, funny game. Suffering is nothing more than a consequence of misunderstandings. Without misunderstandings, here are no worries. Without worries any form of physical and emotional pain is simply a light-hearted game to you, just like a child plays a game. Suffering is only there if you don't see the situation for what it truly is" (end quote) I'll leave it with this.

i dont really buy into this statement. in fact i doubt about anyone if one does. not all celebraties or rich ppl commit suicide, in fact most of them live happily. Just because some of few does, doesnt imply money not provide happiness.

I thought of this a few days ago. If you understand why there seems to be a high rate of suicide among squirrels who live near the road then you understand why in part its a little more difficult for a mercurial (thyroid) essence types to do Inquiry than other types. All that energy which is hard to contain is a part of the price they pay for their natural superior perceptive abilities, perhaps. http://destinyclemens.com/Destinyclemens/Gallery_1/Pages/Mercury.html im a Solar Saturn/mars type. Mars and Mercury energy often clash with one another.

Seeing a therapist won't help if you are still fighting various thoughts. It really depends on how you are using the therapist. I can go to a hair dresser and ask for a wash and blowdry, but if my hair is past my ankles I'll still trip up now and then. You need to use the therapist for what YOU NEED, and that is to stop this battle with yourself. Notice the feeling in your body when you do this shaking thing. What is this feeling? Why is it so terrible? Try just one time to embrace the feeling. Imagine it's like an old friend. Let it wash over you. You see, your body wants to protect you. Every feeling, every response, is pure love. I get the feeling you are trying to rid yourself of various feelings or thoughts. This is only going to make it worse. You have to accept all of yourself. Even these thoughts that you might think are dangerous. I used to think suicidal thoughts and it used to terrify me. It terrified me every time it happened until I decided suicide wasn't a bad thought. I decided it wouldn't really matter if I killed myself. It would be fine. Since then I realised these thoughts weren't scary or dangerous and I realised I really didn't want to kill myself. I could try if I wanted and that would be fine, but I didn't want to.

You're confusing comfort with happyness. Money can bring you comfort but it can't bring you happyness. If you compare this generation to any previous generation. We're are the most comfortable generation ever. No one enjoyed so many conveniences in the past as we do now, we live maybe 20times more comfortably then a man who lived 200 years ago. But are we the most joyful generation? No, we're the whiniest generation ever. More people commit suicide then ever before.

If that was true, Why so many celebrities commit suicide ? They should be in heaven ...

For the life of me, sometimes I dont know how or why I chose to keep living life. It makes little sense. I had a troubling upbringing. Parents that didnt care. A school with an agenda to make me feel inferior. A religion that shamed me for even smiling metaphorically. When I was 15, I wanted a wife. 16 never happened. 17 still not. 18 no. 19 I felt suicidal. "Enough is enough, i refuse to go on. Why am i going to torture myself? I am pathetic." I didnt kill myself at 19. If I killed myself at 19, I never would have had the experience of true love from a girl when I hit 21. My 15- 19 year old self would never have believed such a reality was posisble at all ever. But it happener even against my lack of self esteem and sensibility. I know that in 5 years from now, there are going to be some moments in life that are pure heaven. I won't ever see them if I exit. I refuse to exit until i get them. Henry Rollins once said that the thing that stopped him from suicide was raw spite towards the life Fate had given him. He chose to remain alive out of a "fuck you" to the universe. Find relief from your pain, but stay with us humans. We arent bad as a species and we need each other.

Hello there, I am a 17 year old highschool student, and I would like to hear some advice on how to help my friend. He is a 18 year old boy living in a really homophobic family, and in general people he is surrounded with are really homophobic. His biggest issue is fear from being abandoned by his family. I am the only person he came out to. He has been in a terrible condition for about 2 years now; he has an eating disorder, some serious health issues (that happened because he doesnt want to take care for himself anymore) and he is terribly depressed. He is refusing to eat for months and is extremly underweight, has thoughts of suicide and sees no future or a reason to keep on living. He doesn't hang out with people or has friends because of his insecurities, and his family isn't really supporting him when it comes to singing (professionally as a opera singer) because he is failing all the regular classes. He sees suicide as the only option, and I don't know how to help him. He refuses to ask for help because he is embarrased. I think his condition is getting worse and worse and I don't want him to hurt himself because he is such a nice talented boy. What should I do, as his only good friend?

Worries piled high, you're on the edge, you can't let go, you feel the stress, you're so obsessed with all the debts you think you're owed We create that victim inside, no different than suicide and I'll be there no matter what you do, no matter what you choose Cause we can make it through, yes, I know the ordeal, I know how you feel but I believe, yes, I believe in you Just do what you can do What more can you ask, it's not just a task, no matter what happens to you, we can make it through We can make it through Low self esteem, forgot how to dream but you're so tall If you could only see in you what I see there would be no fear at all Cause problems that we start to find have originated in our mind and we have the power and strength to just let go, don't you think I know? Cause we can make it through, yes, I know the ordeal, I know how you feel but I believe, yes, I believe in you Just do what you can do What more can you ask, it's not just a task, no matter what happens to you, we can make it through We can make it through We can make it It's all good, yeah, sits all fine If we can pacify our minds Don't want you to feel left behind Cause I'm right by your side I'm right by your side So no matter what you do

I've been in a bit of a pickle when it comes to moving on from something that happened across 2017 and early 2018. It's by no means the objective worse thing that happened to me- moreover a quick evisceration on the ego that has created a profound backlash. If you aren't in the mood for a more personal, even emotional story, this isn't the post for you. I've retold this story more than once, but I still feel stuck. In part because I feel vast wisdom is to be harvested from this experience, but at the cost of making it harder to be mindfully present. In part because throughout this tale, I was in the wrong in many cases. In some respect, though I still may make it sound like these people were below me in development, I think the opposite was true in some areas. I'll try and keep this brief, though I again warn you, that's not my strong suit. Like many of you, I wasn't bestowed with the environment that fostered learning social graces. In due part because of my own lack of curiosity- I have been largely depressed my whole life, even as a small child. Where youth normally is seen as a time of hopeful imaginativeness, mine was rather nihilistic and hopeless. I lived in a state of mind that the rare good things in my life would be swiftly taken away. Therefore I was rather cold, distrustful and passionatless. I'm happy to report this wasn't a static theme throughout my life. Through taking myself out of crippling environments, fixing some of those warped perceptions I had and finding a life purpose. Problem still being though, I never really made true friends. In fact, I had "friends" thrust onto me, assigned by authority figures in my life. In kindergarten, I had a flicker of something that resembled unabashed friendship, but I had to move schools after an incident where I couldn't manage my anger and...I pushed a chair at a teacher who just had knee surgery. That story doesn't end there though, as mad luck would have it, we would meet again in our freshmen year of high school at a private school. We were strikingly similar in terms of our path in personal development at that point- though not identical in the areas that really counted. I looked past this though, as a desperation to have something good in my life had really begun to snowball. I ignored or allowed behaviors that weren't conducive or even harmful to me to happen from her. We will call her Geena. This person does deserve a hefty amount of credit for one thing though. As you may have inferred, I didn't have the healthiest home life. This culminated at this point in my life when it reached a point where I set it up to where me and my sister essentially ran away. There were many attempts to get CPS involved, but my mother and S.O. at the time were excellent deceivers.We stayed at what I considered was a friends house, and finally, a situation occurred where CPS aggred we should be removed from the house with our mother, and the friends parents agreed to put a roof over our heads.( I am conflicted on if they were or not-either I haven't fully processed this and repressed it, or it has run its course on how I feel about this friend-we will call them Carter) We stayed there for about three months before me and that "friend" had a falling out. Shortly after, me and my sister were asked to move under the guise of financial difficulties to keep us there- I am unsure the full truthfulness of this. A few days later, me, my sibling and the few belongings we were able to keep were dropped off at Geena's house after her mother enthusiastically welcomed the idea of us staying there after Geena made the situation clear. This was the first time I actually felt like I was a part of a functional and healthy family (though of course, that's what I needed at the time, so I was really looking through much of this through rose-colored glasses) and that I truly had a friend in the world. Geena was a fellow creative, and this was around the time I found my life purpose. The location of their house was funnily enough, one street away from the property I hold dearest in my heart to what home feels like. It was in a section nearby the park, with lush trees and calm streets to stroll on in a small town where people can keep their doors unlocked at night. Everything about it felt perfect and safe. Of course the story can't end there though. Because of circumstances I am still unaware of, we weren't permitted to stay there. I know the mother really wanted us to- even throwing us a send off party the night before we were set to go to a foster home. Long story short, the foster home was just awful. Me and my sister hovered between starving and being fed enough to make the social workers happy. The foster parents were emotionally abusive in pretty extreme ways- following strict guidelines least we find out what others cruelties she was capable of. Thankfully, we only stayed there a few months, though it felt like years. My mom got her shit together, and we moved back with her. Geena still supporting me every step of the way and being there when I needed to vent. We lived in a small apartment, but still in the same small town. It was simple existence, and I felt at peace and worked still on bettering myself and working on my talents. There were a few bumps in the road through the next year- we ended up house hoping with my moms friends a few times at one point, but we ended up at the property I mentioned two paragraphs ago. It is the place I think of when someone says home, even though it wasn't perfect. Something about the location was though. I had my own trailer I lived in on the property, and mostly lived on my own Throughout all the adversity in my life, I managed to be a better student in high school than I had been before. This swell of pride that came from being good academically made me really follow the pursuit of academia and knowledge as a whole. This was a good thing in my life that I created, and I had the flawed belief that I had control over if it was taken away or not. I had already been looking into colleges mid Sophomore year, as my hard work paid off and I was able to start college earlier than most. When my Junior year started, I just felt this perceptive change of sorts. School was another kind of surrogate home for me at one point, but when I returned that year, something just felt...hollow. My friendship with Geena and the recovering one with Carter felt hollow. I broke the friendships off with them when it was clear it wouldn't work out. Even my aspirations felt hollow in some regards. I knew change was needed, and of course you know at this age I didn't make the best decision on how to do that. Short and sweet- I tried to blast through the rest of my needed credits by doing online schooling. Because of how the private school was set up however, none of my credits transferred over. Getting a ride to the private school was unsustainable, so I wasn't able to go back. So I tried going to a public school- and encountered the same problem. This was devastating for me- it was my aspiration to be the first person from my family who actually valued school and didn't drop out. I like to call this period the Depression Maverick, because it really felt like a tidal wave of sadness and numbness crippled me. I had very limited options- and my motivation to pursue them whittled, both my my situation and by my own mental gymnastics. After exhaustive attempts to get my academic life on track, I ended up dropping out. Funny how I could go through a hellacious foster care system and previous home life and move on, but this- this really was a huge shot at my ego, and of course I didn't know how to deal with it yet. It's worth mentioning what that I was working at a fast food pizza place at this point in time. And honestly, the environment there was toxic, but in less obvious ways. (I know, sounds like I can't catch a break, but please remember dear reader, the last thing I want is pity and for you to think I was a complete victim. I wasn't. This story is to help provide context for why I have certain struggles) Most of us were from the small small town, so there was this down-to-earth homely attitude about the place, but since everyone knew eachother in town, it's much risker to wrong your neighbor because someone will lash back in retribution. So basically, it was that classy trope of people pretending to be invested in you and your struggles, and that they were more than just their work, but really, they weren't at all. They would leave psychological scares when they got you alone however, and we usually worked alone with a few other people. I haven't ever really met someone with my personality type up to this point. Usually this makes people lonely, but even at a young age, I knew the dangers of befreinding people too similar to you, and feared one day creating an echochamber between myself and another. I can't say I hoped I'd find someone like me, moreover I thought it was a fantastical impossibility. But of course, I did meet someone eerily similar to me. They worked at the pizza place as well. We will call them Jay. Now Jay- he was very troubled. He quite obviously had a traumatic past, but hadn't mindfully processed these or gotten very deep into self actualizing. Because of this, he lashed out by being rude and critical- to make matters worse, he was indeed a manager. He was in the usual age group of the company I felt comfortable talking to at that point- I've generally related to older people, but all in all, only four years separated our births, which isn't that much time. I was classically shy at this point. But also wary of his downright mean tendencies- he was actually proud of being known as mean and making people cry. He was one of those that relished having control of his life at work, and used his authority to downright bully others. Most genuinely disliked him- our GM was nice to his face but shit-talked about him when he was away. I felt sorry for him. There were some key similarities between us, and though we had similar pasts, he just took a different path. I used to have a mean front too, when I was afraid to show vulnerability. Though I wasn't always cordial in face of his insults, I went out of my way to get to know him in a genuine way and talk with him. I had a big ol' platonic crush on him at this point. But I just didn't feel 1.good enough to be his friend and 2.worried about his odd sliding between very nice and very mean. I thought it wisest not to pursue anything, especially since we worked together. That changed a bit though when he announced he'd be moving to a town 60 miles away for college. Now Jay was the closest thing to a work place friend I had. So when I heard this, my stomach dropped and it genuinely made me sad. At this point we'd worked together for almost 2 years. Fast forward three months. (I realize how almost everything here happens three months later-guess I should've known the pattern by now) I decide to send him a friend request and message on Facebook. He accepts and we have a nice chat. In this chat I noticed he really wasn't doing to well, but didn't seem fully aware of it of it. Though he add friends, I think they were more like my previous "friends" I mentioned. He has gone on to say he only views friends as distractions and entertainment, and it really shows his attitude to tackling his problems-he doesn't. And it sounded like his friends were like-minded, though it isn't really my place to say if they were good or bad. By the sounds of it though, they tore him down and used him, so it's hard not to say my distaste for them was entirely subjective. This next segment is where it gets heavy and personal. Trigger warning for suicide. Through out the time I worked there, I had been financally supporting my family. My mother had gotten a break and honestly, I had to grow up pretty quick. I was also there for emotional and any other support needed. But no one was there for me. And really, all I needed was someone to talk to, and realize I needed to turn inward. Now my loneliness had been mounting for- well, my whole life at this point. I got tired of all my suffering, my nervousness and deceptions. I was going to claim my life and fix it- though "fix" won't be the word that will come to mind when all is said and done. Mistake 1- I reconnected with Geena. Mistake 2- I got into a friendship with Jay Mistake 3- I thought I had turned inward enough at this point, and though had much to learn, I was sagely and enlightened. For more context, this is where I found myself early 2017. The friendship with Jay, to no surprise, wasn't very substantial- very stage orange, where I was pursuing something more yellow or even turquoise. Not having good metrics on how friendships work, I kind of forced the friendship between us. It was very one sided. I was the one to start the conversations, the only one who asked how he was and substantial things akin to personal development. Jay-he already had enough distractions in his life. On reflection, I think he felt like he should care about me, but truthfully he didn't. I...I took the bait when he said he would be there for me, no matter what. And that he liked and valued me- he sold me what I'd been looking for all my life. It was more than a dream come true. Though my academic life was in shambles, that began to matter less and less- that is, until he would offhandedly insult me for not finishing or being in college. With Geena- I am not sure what happened to her, but she went from pretty reliable to very flaky and even cold. She didn't care much about the deeper aspects of contemplating the self either. My friends wanted easy distractions. And I was the only one turning inward and fixing shit, though I pretended it was the other way around for so long. Around this time I went through some really heavy shit. I won't mention all because this is a novel already. But many of my loved ones died, and though we moved in a real house, (and my mom got a job) and I was physically closer too my family, I felt like an outlier and were weren't close . I tolerated bullying at work and by friends. And became nasty to my friends in retaliation. I was frustrated that no one really cared that I was alive. In fact, it seemed like they didn't want me alive in the first place. Turning inward became too painful and I stopped. Instead, I sought validation from my friends. Geena offered me shallow advise equivalent to "tough it out" and Jay-I appreciated his brutal honesty, but with this he also told me he really didn't care if I died or not. If I was gone from his life, he wouldn't feel anything. He just didn't care. But I needed someone to care- or so I thought. Kindness became a very rare thing, and my friends avoided me. I wasn't even allowed to text once a week. To be far, at this point I was really needy. I was drowning and in my attempts to claw myself back up from my sorrow, I cut deep into them. Getting upset when they wouldn't check on me, or avoid talking to me. Months would go by before they'd hang out with me- it was rare. They had the free time to, they just didn't want to. I know it isn't my place to expect people to care about me. I learned that from this experience. But I thought that if they just knew why I was like this, and what was really long...well, they'd have to feel something. I never learned how to express my emotions. I went from being rigidly stotic to a bleeding heart pretty much overnight. I was just so sick of hiding it. I thought all my worrying was probably for naught. It was only in my head they didn't like me. But sometimes, we aren't deceiving ourselves. I went to both of them with suicidal thoughts a couple of times. Neither really offered help. In fact, Geena told me "Just stop, I don't have time for this" the last time I asked for help. Jay called me once, to "make sure I was safe." Jay really confuses me, he would go between saying he cared and then he didn't. This call meant the world to me. It was the one good moment of my 2017, and...he will never know, if he really did care, that he helped. Do not think Jay or Geena are purely evil in this- examples of good they brought- Jay- The aforementioned phone call. Assuring me my problems were validate, and assuring me through text he'd always listen. Coming to visit me the most often. Presenting a willingness to understand my depression and anxiousness. He would be very honest with me and even offered to tutor me in math and help me get into college. Geena-Taking me out places when I was down. Offering me heartfelt compliments when I was sad and at one point, I knew I always had a place to go with her. Also tried to help get me into college. I will focus mainly on this one night that still haunts me. This was August 16nth, 2017. I had come home from a awful day at work and went to my room, alone. Throughout the last few months, I had been really going over in my head how much I suffer and how little control I had over that. This snowballed my suicidal feelings rapidly. Culminating when I just missed the mark by a day for getting into college. Today was when I read the email I wouldn't be getting into college. I remember just sitting there, at first feeling a searing hot pain, then nothing. Then pain again then even more and more and...I did what I do best. I concocted a plan to kill myself and-gosh did I feel better. I remember humming along to a upbeat tone as I researched effective ways. A text from Jay pierced my concentration on this, and it snapped me back half way. I told him what I was doing, and that I needed someone. And at first he talked with me. Being very nice and understanding. But after an hour, he decided he was just going to go to bed (earlier than normal) without checking to make sure I was okay. I made sure to let him know I was still planning to do it. This was me crying for help, but he didn't want to hear it. Long story short, I tried and obviously failed to kill myself. I won't go into details, but I woke up the next morning frustrated and hopeless. And Jay had seen my messages, but did nothing. In retrospect, I think he thought I was lying about not only attempting it, but being serious about it. If he thought I was a liar, I don't think I can blame him for what he did. I wouldn't care all that much either if a mean liar was blowing up my phone all the time. I think it was much easier to believe a lie than the actual truth for him. Later that day, we got into a fight. Where he said he knew he should be groveling, but he just wasn't. He just wasn't going to apologize and he espoused that though he didn't have the desire for me to be dead, he didn't care if I was. And...I'm ashamed to admit but I forgave him! In a time of need in February 2018, when I had made it clear I had just been physically attacked by my mother, was moving and needed a place to sleep for a few nights...he said that though there was couchspace at the place he was roomating, and though he allowed his friends to do this before, it wasn't okay for me. He wouldn't help me, but he came to visit me instead when I had the designated times to pack at where I used to live. Now it doesn't hurt nearly as much, but I'd like to hear your perspectives on this. It's been a while since I've been a bleeding heart, but I hope somewhere in my narrative, there is a lesson for you. What are some ways you move on? I also have considered that perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. Jay and Geena in some ways were at least stage yellow, where I was a strong green with flecks of yellow. Perhaps I convinced myself they were yellow when they were much more orange, or maybe they were both, and didn't transition through the compassionate side of green. I am still hovering on the strong side of green. I like to think I am a mostly yellow individual now, but I recognize we love to place ourselves higher on the spiral than we really are. My ego would love to say we are 80% turquoise, but realistically, I know better. I feel like I may have had a sloppy transition somewhere through the spiral, maybe you already see where that was?