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About tsuki

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  • Birthday 04/16/1989

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  1. Did you find the timezone gap tedious?
  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkF1OcfPt84
  3. Your story is heartbreaking. Nobody should go through this. When I read that you can't put your finger on how exactly were you wounded, I can relate. When reading your story, betrayal came to mind. Looking back, I find it very strange that I knew exactly that what my parents did was not love and that I felt that I should be loved. It's like an inborn right of a child to be loved and every child knows it. I was so resentful because of it.
  4. Still stressing out about the new job. The first week was about configuring everything - my PC, my home office, my internet connection, installing their software and making it work. My spare time was about optimizing it, and arranging my home office to my liking. I really like my setup now, but the PC I'm using is barely capable of running everything at once. When I have a meeting with ~10 people, sharing the screen, having my IDE open, compiling and uploading, etc, it overheats. So, no extreme multitasking for me, which may be a good thing after all, idk. A colleague asked me, why didn't I take a laptop they offered me, and I did not feel comfortable answering on the spot. The nature of my arrangement is that I am not an employee, I am a contractor. I choose to not rely on this company for everything, because I've been doing this my whole professional career and I want to grow. I want to know how to prepare my own office, to choose a right computer for the job, to configure the network and all the other things, even if it costs me some stress. The only thing I regret is that I did not insist on talking to the devops that works for this company so that he would tell me beforehand, what are the specific quirks that I have to look for when preparing. This would have been a hell lot easier this way. I noticed several things that were at play when I challenged myself this way. First of all, when joining a new place that is already established made me question who I am because I don't know how I will fit with them. At the same time, I was unsure whether my choices regarding my environment were correct, and my self esteem quickly plummeted to the point where I was able to see just how extremely wide the IT domain is and how little I know. I have very little knowledge about operating systems, networking and hardware. I have little knowledge about how how cross-platform development works, about how linux works. I had no idea just how cooling is important in PCs, and how physical layout of a computer is important. Software development is extremely abstraction-oriented, but running software is not abstract in the slightest. It runs on a specific operating system, on a specific device, with specific hardware, and that's not even the end of it because it runs on a specific network with a specific topology, etc. Fortunately, I'm pretty confident in my programming abilities, so I'm not afraid of writing the code. The colleague I'm working with has 5 years of experience with this system, so he's much more proficient in modifying and configuring it. I tend to compare myself to him, but I'm watchful of these thoughts. A lot of thinking revolves around who I am, how do I fit, how was I wrong about myself, etc. Sometimes, it really feels like a mental disability to be honest, so I remind myself that my life is here, in my body, in my home, etc. It was much worse when I wasn't sure whether I will even be able to work on their project due to my choices. And all of this does not even touch on the fact that I am now my own company, and I have to deal with taxes, invoices, payments, etc. This is absolutely crazy and I feel so overwhelmed. I have to monitor my own time, attend meetings, work with my accountant, etc. I have to save money for vacations, and to cover my health expenses, retirement, etc. All of this is to be learned and I voluntarily signed up for it. But I've grown and experienced something new. I noticed new things about myself and how I work and devised new ways of dealing with my quirks. For example, I just recently noticed just how much I was focusing on difficulties when facing new things. Focusing on the goal, and on the positive impact my actions will have is so important. I also want to be more productive, and give up excuses against it, such as fear, or resentment. I really want to be independent and grounded. This is a good transition into 26/8 which will happen in April.
  5. First day at work went smoothly The past three hexagram drawing were all hexagram 11: Harmony, Peace, Prosperity.
  6. @trenton The clue about pressure and wanting t life to be effortless is important. When I say playful, I meant, for no particular reason other than to enjoy it. No strings and grand plans attached.
  7. @trenton Do you generally feel that you can play around in life, explore things without sense of guilt that you are abandoning your duties, etc? Sex is generally thought of as a form of playful personal expression. Are there any activities in your life that you would call playful personal expression?
  8. That's a tall order, to singlehandedly change the fate of the whole family. It's no wonder that you want to become independent so much.
  9. @Zigzag Idiot Thank you for sharing this. Very timely.
  10. I am not being sarcastic here and I am not mocking you anymore. I can see why would you defend Elon so much since you two are so similar. I would actually love to hear more about this. I'm not on the spectrum and I will not pretend that I know how hard it is for you. But I know perfectly well how it feels when someone pretends to look straight through you when he has no clue what he's talking about, like you were just now. That is because we can't communicate properly when we assume that we know what happens in another person's mind. You cannot do good for others if you don't know what they want. This knowing does not come from intellectualizing, but from actual listening. When there is no listening and communication, this is not empathy, but tyranny. This is the practical understanding of psychology that cannot be read from a book. Full discaimer here: I reacted so strongly because I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it actually requires understanding of psychology and systems thinking. These two areas are actually something I've been studying and using for many years. Having a random stranger deny everything I've been working for was too much for me today. The fact that you are on a spectrum explains a lot about our miscommunication, and why you had difficulty understand my reception of what you were saying. I'm sorry that I offended you and someone you respect.
  11. Of course they are. Understanding is not an intellectual endeavor. Being able to follow what is written in a book is not understanding psychology. Yep, keep talking to your past experiences instead of me. I'm just a green hippy, not worth paying attention to. You already know what I have to say right? And what you think is too complicated to express, so why bother. Weird that I was able to sense your particularities over the internet without prior knowledge of who you are. It's probably because ALL green hippies do is whine about your psychology. No need to pay attention. Since I'm now mocking you openly, I think that this conversation is over. There is no chance to arrive at any consensus and I'd rather enjoy the rest of the evening in peace.
  12. How is it then that you claim to have understood psychology to a degree that allows you to predict evolution of whole societies? Your own psychology is so particular that you can't have a productive conversation. Is this an intellectual endeavor for you? This is not stage yellow thinking in the slightest.
  13. Patronizing tone means condescending, looking from above, schooling. If you disagree with my post, address the points instead of dismissively saying "it's more complicated", listing 50 things that I missed without elaboration, and talking about me to other people as if I weren't here. If the topic is too complicated for anybody to understand except you (or people you agree with), then don't discuss it on a forum. Denying _any_ validity to what the other person is saying this way is just projecting arrogance and a sense of intellectual superiority.