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About tsuki

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  • Birthday 04/16/1989

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  1. @Zigzag Idiot Thank you as always. Who am I going to be if I'm not going to be myself? There's been a development in my understanding of my sexuality. I find calling people homo or hetero sexual so obscenely insufficient. There is a matter of body type, male or female. That body creates energy that is differentiated into feminine and masculine. We all have both types of energies and express them. We can either express them to the same, or the opposite sex. Or both, such as in my case. I have a male body with a lot of feminine energy. Probably more than most guys. I still want a woman though. A woman that embraces her masculinity and is able to have an exchange. I also have masculine energy and I want to express it too.
  2. This is going to be difficult but I want to be as open and transparent as possible. There's been a fellow self-actualizer on this forum that I've been skyping with that I want to remain anonymous. We've been meeting for a few weeks now and discussing our progress and supporting each other. I have a dream of being a part of a tribe. This is a bunch of people, friends, that know what's going on in other's lives and support each other in times of hardship and well-being. This person seemed like the right one, albeit young, very open-minded and willing to explore in this direction. I did my best to be clear about this dream and presented it to him as truthfully as I could. After a few meetings, a meeting in person came up and we decided to trip together. I had to back off from this arrangement because I learned that LSD interacts with autoimmune disorders, one of which I have. My wife knew all of this beforehand and was ok with it. When we picked him up, the atmosphere was a bit tense but I shrugged it off as a general uneasiness when meeting new people. It's a different town after all, and he never spoke with my wife before so it did not surprise me at all. What did surprise me a little bit is the amount of smiles we exchanged and the moment all three of us sat in our dining room to talk. Heavy silence dropped and to diffuse it I jokingly said that we're meditating. After some talking, we exchanged a few looks that I did not understand. Long looks into the eyes, that threw me off. Normally over skype, we would talk freely, but now maintaining eye contact was difficult. I thought that he was trying to dominate me and kept looking back, to which my wife said that we look like wanted to have sex. Still clueless, I shrugged it off, but what finally caught my attention was his nonchalant reply: "maybe?". He had a mannerism of becoming interested in facets of himself spontaneously, but I saw through this smoke screen and realized (emotionally at first) that I fucked up. We started talking about his experiences, getting to know him. I closed down and observed my emotions trying to tell me what's going on. My wife started to ask about his experience with girls, to which I asked him whether he inquired into his sexual orientation. From the start, it was obvious to us that he's fragmented, having his intellect disconnected from his feelings and we (my wife and I) explored the extent of it. His upbringing and culture has created a massive shadow out of his homosexuality. He would visibly flip-flop between being an open-minded, curious young man, and practically a demon shooting chuffs of sexual energy at me with his eyes. At some point, he became interested in the flowers I bought to my wife few days before and became disappointed with the fact that they seemed fake (they were real flowers). Later that evening when I got up to sit next to my wife, the glass vase with flowers shattered. It was my wife's favorite vase. He was sitting in the opposite side of the room and launched up, with remorse, looking for a mop to clean this mess, as if he did it. Flip-flops, flip-flops, mind-heart. We had a lot of moments where we were able to guide him to name the emotions that he was experiencing and he was able to recognize the attraction that he felt. I think that he understands now that he is homosexual and how it connects with various problems that he's having. I explained to him why he has to go back home and that he should look for a person that can reciprocate his feelings. If you are reading this, please do not contact me and remain anonymous. You probably have psychic powers and a massive shadow. Lay psychedelics off and start psychotherapy ASAP. Having said all of that, I'm also at fault. I was completely clueless. I am bisexual and my homosexual part is very difficult for me and for my wife. I repress that part of me and now I know how it manifests itself. When I'm meeting someone that I want to get close to, I unconsciously flirt. I use my sexual energy to attract them. Having seen what sexual energy is, what invitation for attraction looks like, I know that there are a few people in my life that I flirt with. I've seen these looks before. I have also learned how to project sexual energy consciously, with my eyes. It all became clear to me when I invited and embraced my homosexual part. I will never let go of it, ever again. I will have to talk to one of the people I flirt with and present this story to her. I will probably lose a person that I hope to be a genuine friend, but it cannot be any other way. I need to be clear in my intent, not giving off two different messages to people that I want to befriend. I also have to be more in touch with my homosexuality. This is a very important part of me that is intimately connected with my sexuality. My wife gets jealous of my new friends when I flirt behind my back. It hurts the relationships that I want to establish. I don't know how many times I've heard that I'm not flirting with my wife from her. This will change as soon as she gets better. This is all very difficult for my wife. We talked about my bisexuality before and she does not want to see my homosexual side. She is still to connect with her Animus and take conscious ownership of the little girl that is inside of her. This new facet of me broke her world apart and she shut down. She does not feel safe to talk to anybody right now and feels very alone and threatened. I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. From being happy for finding a lost part of myself, through being excited about learning how to project sexual energy, being hopeful about new prospects of our relationship, all the way down to sadness about hurting her and fearing that she will hurt herself. I already booked a couples therapy session this week.
  3. I had a rough week and even more difficult weekend so I don't want to sound nitpicky but this whole notion of talent does not sound right to me. No donkey, or human for that matter, is ever going to be enlightened. It is God who wakes up from the donkey to itself. I don't know why donkeys don't meditate in caves and why we do, but each and every single one of us has a path to follow that is a unique expression of God. Some paths lead through donkeys and some lead through realization. Comparing yourselves to others is only helpful if you want to see how diverse the world is. You will never be a Ralston and taking any path as normative with respect to enlightenment is a distraction. Psychedelics may be a part of your path that lead you to realizing your godhood, but they don't produce it. Same as meditation. Techniques will never do it because they are merely a ladder or a scaffolding at best. The possibility to become conscious of any facet of truth, with enlightenment as a center of that, is prior to any invention. That is because you are the Absolute Truth that has forgotten itself.
  4. According to Ralston, talent can be created.
  5. I just loooove to watch people shamelessly spout ignorance as highest wisdom.
  6. I was kinda hoping that you started to throw people at rocks.
  7. I was under the impression that Ralston was saying that he appreciates the use of psychedelics for the purpose of opening the mind. Radical open mindedness is one of the basics of his teaching. When he was talking that "it's not about the drugs", he was referring to Castenada's realization and the difference between his books. You guys are so touchy on the subject.
  8. This also seems to fit my other symptoms that I did not mention, which are cold hands and feet. I will observe how I feel after experiencing cold for extended periods of time, but I remember that I felt awful at my previous work where temperature was low. I also remember that after taking LSD I'm experiencing huge temperature sways from my baseline down to being very cold where my body hurts.
  9. Sorry for the clickbait title, I thought that it's worth discussing . I suggest watching it twice because there are important details about the context at the very start.
  10. Ravenclaw, obviously.
  11. This actually makes sense. My last trip was so painful that I almost went crazy and the pain started in my feet. LSD is off. I will research its interactions with autoimmune diseases further.
  12. This is interesting. My father was diagnosed with Sjogren syndrome and his daughter from previous marriage was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis so it indeed does seem like autoimmune. I can't believe I ignored this.
  13. @Michael569 I'm not aware of any sugar-related problems in my family. I will get my bloodwork done ASAP and post back results. Do you know whether tripping on LSD can impact these tests? I have a trip scheduled for this Saturday and I can call it off. This is interesting. The back pain roughly corresponds with fibromyalgia pain points, especially the neck and around the scapula. I will try to get it diagnosed soon. Thank you for the suggestion.
  14. Hey, I recently started to notice the sensations that I experience in my feet and calves. They were there for a very long time but I used to shrug them off as having my shoes tied too tight, etc. I was experiencing them probably for a few years now but now that my nervous system is more calm, I can focus on them better. In my feet I sense something between tingling, pinching, or stinging depending on the intensity of the sensation. The area covers the skin that is in contact with the ground. Changing the way in which I contact the ground alleviates these sensations for a while, but they eventually come back to their previous intensity. I was not able to correlate them with stress or other external, emotional, factors so I'm thinking that they are physical. When it comes to my calves, they tend to tense up and I have to massage them until they relax. I'm thinking that maybe I'm tensing them up in response to tingling in my feet? So far I've tried exercise (running), but the habit was disrupted by my recent covid infection and I was not paying attention to its effect on these sensations before. I felt much better overall back then. I tend to spend a lot of time sitting (I'm a programmer), so it may be spine-related. I also experience some upper-back pain because of the tension in my shoulders. I'm meeting a physiotherapist for that though. Other medical conditions that may be of relevance is that I was diagnosed with juvenile idiopathic arthritis, but I was not prescribed any medication for it and I'm not addressing it in any way as an adult. I'm not necessarily looking for a diagnosis, but rather fishing for ideas on how to approach this from different angles.