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About tsuki

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  1. Yeah, I know. I was trying to reassure him, but he was so stuck in his thought-loops, that he barely gave me space to talk. When he did, I commented on my ignorance about current affairs and that I do not pick sides. His response was 'what sides, is there any conflict?'. To that, I responded: 'Well, you seem to imply that'. The more I think about him, the more sympathetic I become. His most redeeming quality was deep respect for another member of the management that supposedly 'holds this thing together'. He said that he lived above him, but nobody introduced himself to be a part of the management, so I don't know anything about him. It makes me curious. If I met him, then I really respect him for his silence. Now that I thought of it some more, I do not agree with Jared (from wisecrack) that Joker denies insanity. Joker affirms it so thoroughly that he treats it like air. He is completely at ease with his condition, to the point of making jokes about it. I can't help but to see the tragedy of what he had become. His most disturbing quality is the fixation on external acknowledgement. He wants Gotham, Batman and the world to see how insane they are compared to him by pretending that they are normal. He is so far gone that he kills and tortures people to prove his point, that everybody is just one bad day away of losing it, and of course - he is right. We are all crazy, some of us are so crazy that they can't even acknowledge it. I don't know whether Joker is aware of his need of validation or not, but it is deeply egoic. It seems like he is, which is how I read the ending of the 'Killing Joke' - and in that case, he has truly become a sage, unable to turn away from his fate. He is a force of nature, the embodiment of insanity. It's a terrifying idea that I could become like that one day. What do you mean by 'strange attractor' @Zigzag Idiot ? Can you elaborate? It piqued my interest - wikipedia mentions it only in reference to chaos theory and fractals (both are my favorite subject).
  2. This was near the end of the article on Buffered Consciousness just above. Although It's Fourth way material, it points to an occurrence mentioned in the I CHING when one incurs a fate by slandering the Cosmos, thus imprisoning the 'Cosmic helpers'. When we reunite with our True Nature the Cosmic helpers or nature spirits are free to help us again. They remain able to help when we are balanced and connected with our True Self. @Zigzag Idiot I'm very thankful for this passage and your commentary. My recent departure from spiritual path into bayesian statistics that was fueled by my instinct of self-preservation was abruptly redirected back to my previous course. I'm not at ease with saying that the universe took care of me, or that I have a guardian angel, but your words are very soothing. I wonder whether I will ever be able to honestly say that I'm special and that I deserve to be taken care of.
  3. @PetarKa I recently had my first trip on LSD and my advice is: please beware and respect the substance. It had helped me tremendously, but it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. When it comes to losing it, the further I am on the path, the more I feel like I've lost it for good. It's scary, but strangely reassuring at the same time. I don't know why. I won't tell you to do it, or not to do it - your conscious decision is a part of the process. Weigh the pros and cons, so that you resent, or admire yourself. Good luck.
  4. Am I a spiritual hipster, a satire, or a parody? I can't seem to decide which. This triggers me a lot. I kind of feel like the joker that outright denies insanity. I think of myself to be sane precisely because I watch my insanity very closely. I distrust people that say that they are good, or the ones that deny their animal nature. I have an acute sense for liars and I'm allergic to salespeople. The better salesmen they are, the more I despise them. Hmm, still no arbiters here.
  5. Here's an entertaining story related to this point. After my last trip I talked to my neighbor about our housing association. We were both dissatisfied with the flow of information between the management and inhabitants, so I realized my idea of creating a facebook group. I printed out invitations and went around the building, talked to my neighbors (some of which I never met before) and invited them to join. I am well aware of the sticky situation between management and the inhabitants, so I hope that this thing will turn out alright for everybody. It's not a matter of hope, really as I've put myself out there and actually talked to people, so I'm kind of responsible that this thing will turn out well. Everybody seemed genuinely interested except for one person that surprisingly, was the head of management. That guy was scared shitless. First, he told me that if I wanted to do such a thing, then I can ask management to do it on the next meeting. Then, he tried to persuade me that there is no point in creating the group. Then, he went ahead to complain about the inhabitants that do not cooperate with the authority. Then, he asked me to join the management. When I asked when will be the next meeting, he vaguely replied that it'l be held next month, but it haven't been decided when exactly. He wasn't even able to tell me how we will be notified of the date. I don't know if he's scared because people will gossip about him, or because he knows that he's not playing fairly. I am definitely not going to let the group devolve into petty squabble and name-calling. I'd much rather close the group than let this thing happen. What does it have to do with spirituality? Hmm, it triggers me because my life is, in fact, boring. Especially when looked upon from the perspective of everyday repetitive routine. I am pretty sure that I can become bored by anything, so I don't think that it is really a valid measure of my spiritual practice. I learned to be indifferent to boredom. When I'm bored, I remember the times when I went over the top and take pleasure in it. Just like I enjoy being stupid again, or praise the fact that I will die some day. That is stoicism 101. EDIT: That's humble bragging 101.
  6. So, why does it trigger my ego? Well, who the hell are you to judge me by your standard of delusion, mister? I am definitely not going to trust society with establishing what delusion is, so it's you versus me with no arbiters. If I am truly deluded, then wouldn't you seem deluded from my perspective? If that is the case, then how do you know that it is in fact me, who is deluded and not you? Because you trust your inner sense of truth? Because you meditated your ego out of existence? Don't give me that bullshit, I know you're just a scared little animal that wants to survive. Oh, because what, you are a personal development teacher that wants to threaten my ego? Oh yes, my ego feels triggered as fuck, good job with that. Your mere sight via TV screen triggers me, how loving you've become! Soon, you're gonna be stoned to death like a proper saint by pedestrians on the street, that's how pure you are! Rotten society can't stand you, they will poison you like Osho, or something. So, now that I established that I'm deluded to the point of being triggered by my own imagination, what did I learn? It seems like I am a spiritual ego that is attached to my commitment to honesty and truth. Do I think that I am somehow better than a 'regular' person? Hmm, calling people regular compared to me, really does seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal. Why do I care so much about being recognized if I committed to being nobody? Do I do this for myself, or do I do this for other people? Until recently I thought that by becoming a useless teapot, I reject society's influence on me and develop myself to the point that people can't help to need me. That's a first-class delusion of a spiritual ego. Now that I experienced some suffering and opened up to vulnerability I suddenly feel inferior and play the game of a gentle puppy. That's just another survival strategy, but in order to find balance, I need to explore it and understand its insanity. The strangest thing is that I really do feel that I need people and I do not pretend to be vulnerable. This very journal is the place where I rip myself open publicly, so that people know what kind of crazy person they deal with. Is this some form of masochism? There is this strange feeling of a fresh wound that feels, hmm, pleasurable - or at least authentic, alive. Well, as useless as I am - I still need other people. At least this knowledge gives me different grounds for functioning in society. Now, I develop myself for two purposes: So that people can't help but need me Because I understand how useless I am and I need others to take care of me That's a paradox where from one point of view I am this perfect crystal statue of usefulness and from the other, a vulnerable being made of flesh and bones. Can I balance this delusion without being ridiculous? I guess there's only one way of finding out.
  7. @Leo Gura You know Leo, it's not like it's clear what you mean when you say: Isn't that knowledge if I cling to it? Can I fake it until I make it? Or should I rather suffer for my ignorance mindfully until I get how stupid and misguided I am? You make it sound so simple that it makes me think that you're so far out there that you forgot how it's like to be us, miserable devils.
  8. @PetarKa My responses may seem like I'm mocking you, but I assure you that I'm not. You can't be sure of anything and the truth is that you do not need to be intellectually certain of anything in order function. Realizing the truth does not introduce anything new. Truth have always been this way and you simply weren't aware of it. Now that you are, why the mental hiccups? Alternatively - think of it this way: your lack of certainty does not stop you from doubting yourself. Are you certain that it is appropriate to be uncertain about your epistemology? Does it stop you from doubting? Maybe it is the case that you are not deliberately choosing to doubt based on your conscious knowledge? Maybe you don't notice the underlying mechanics of what is happening? I know this feeling. When I was in your shoes, I simply stopped asking questions until I sorted my stuff out by myself. My advice is: talk to people to understand yourself instead of understanding them. They all are projections of your own psyche, right? We, egoic humans, always know how it all ends. We are all going to die sooner or later. We were born ignorant and stay ignorant. The only knowledge we accumulate is self-deception. The only certainty there is can be acquired by choosing to not question any further. The only people that are sane are the ones you do not know. We are all insane, some of us want to be as insane as everybody else, and some simply want to do it their own, individual way. Your life will get on with you. You are an insignificant speck of the giant machine you call 'my body'. Have a good day!
  9. I keep wondering who even reads this journal. I see the view count of the thread increasing, but the amount of people that I come to contact with does not explain it. If, by any chance, you follow my journal and want to say hi - you're very welcome to do so now.
  10. While I have been thinking that during the trip, upon reflecting on it - it is just a belief. What is much more truthful is that discursive, structured thoughts expressed through language are waves in the ocean of the subconscious mind. In the everyday life, I am just too stupid to notice the depths of what is happening and thoughts are just the thing that is the most easily seen. I am so glad that I'm back to being stupid and I'm so thankful that I learned to appreciate it.
  11. Which preexisting beliefs/thoughts were confirmed by the trip? The mind is composed of [flaps/triggers/clicks] that either go on/off, good/bad, friend/foe, etc. Some of the flaps are hard to flip and momentum of everyday psyche is not enough to push them. The flavor of bodily energy I that I ordinarily call 'emotion' is the experience of a flap being pushed on. Freedom/agility of the mind is determined by the amount of loose flaps. It is how intelligence and ego are connected. Ego is blindness. It is the mechanism that glues flaps to their positions. I do not understand the reason why a position of a flap is chosen to 'stick'. I can't believe that it's random. Is it a past trauma? Trauma being change that is too sudden for the animal to bear.
  12. During this video, my Ego got triggered by the suggestion that I am: reinforcing my preexisting beliefs, venturing deeper into delusion, using spirituality to escape my boring everyday life.
  13. The hanged man from your description @Zigzag Idiot seems a lot like a shaman. I still have a very long way to go to get there, but I recently found a new appreciation of ordinary people and my subconscious mind that ties these aspects of shamanism. I was always wondering why a shaman needs people he cares for and I knew that it had to go beyond basic self-interest and employment. To see reality for what it is, I need to release the grip of my everyday life and venture into what common people call insanity. It's so easy to get my ego involved in all of this. It's so easy to make a mistake and not be able to find a way back. If ordinary people knew what I know, they wouldn't be able to prevent me from going too far. They would cheer for me. I need them to ground myself and have a reason to return to my ordinary life. They are stupid and they do not understand neither what, nor why, but I need to respect them for it and hope that I can bring something of value back to their lives so I'm worthwhile to keep taking care of. After my trip I'm much more in touch with my animal nature and I recently understood that I perceived the world through the lens of my subconscious mind. If I do not have an anchor strong enough to convince the animal that we will return - It will fight for its own survival. I am thankful for it. It is a powerful anchor and I relied on it during my last trip. Taking care of my body and everything else is the most important thing I can do when I'm back to being stupid. Now that I think about it, it does not go beyond basic self-interest at all. It goes beyond employment though, but not necessarily.
  14. I actually had a vision of this way of being I experienced on LSD. It was during my previous mystical experience when I unraveled my senses. It was just a few glimpses, but it made a very strong impression on me. I wondered how can one live like that. I understood back then that it has to be possible, but it overwhelmed me very quickly when I experienced it. Today I noticed that everyday acts of aggression in the animal kingdom of men don't bother me as much. When I had a rough time and couldn't handle it, I escalated my pleas of help until they were met. If my mother wouldn't soothe me, I would escalate it to the hospital. If that didn't help, I would escalate further. Aggression is a plea of help that is escalated far enough that it is answered by mother nature itself. It's a shame that I don't usually recognize it for what it is. That is the very reason why people become aggressive out of habit - they had to become sharp out of neglect. I am preoccupied with getting my own needs met and I don't notice the pleas when they are still subtle. I can only see them when they are threatening to me and it is too late to meet them appropriately. This is why life seems like a struggle. I am actually impressed with the hanged man card @now is forever. It depicts my situation very accurately. How did you learn tarot? Did you just start to use it one day until it became tangible, or did you have a teacher? The old trees were frightening because I found a new appreciation of time. 16 hours of time within time taught me that 200 years can be a lot longer than I can imagine. I am actually glad to be stupid enough to not notice time slipping through my fingers. I am so glad that I will die one day.
  15. @now is forever Can I help you with any matter that concerns you?