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About tsuki

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  • Birthday April 16

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  1. @mandyjw I don't trust myself enough to do such a thing just yet. Thank you for your suggestion though.
  2. I'm a dead husk that wants to live. I want to live. All I can do is to either please myself with others, or please others by whoring myself out. There is a lifetime of lies and I'm desperate for connection. I want to feel. I want to desire. I don't know how.
  3. This is so insensitive. I'm sorry @DrewNows This is an excuse. I'm afraid.
  4. @DrewNows Thank you. I was always giving you the silent treatment, I don't know why. You're saying that I get to choose the self-constructed lie, but how do I do that so I don't hurt the ones I care about? I don't have the luxury of being out of relationship. It's not my choice after what I've done. @mandyjw Yes, I will take the apple. @remember Thank you. Everybody has always been telling me exactly what's wrong, but I chose not to listen. I don't know why.
  5. I don't know how to love. I have a rotting black hole in place of a heart. Everywhere I look, it's all my own fault, my own choice. I had all the opportunities in the world to stop, but I didn't. There are no excuses. I don't want to move on because I've been moving on too quickly with my devilry before. I did not want to face just how fucked up I am. Why do people around me keep wanting me to move on? Move on where? My whole life is a self-constructed lie. All of it. Every single drop.
  6. What do you have to teach? I cannot follow what feels good because I thought that I was doing that my whole life. I don't know how to surrender to love. All I can do is to do things that make other people happy here and now.
  7. I have broken ever single person in my life in order to toy with them. I have mistaken that for love. My life is a lie.
  8. I'm not green. I'm red. I'm the Donald Trump of Actualized.org.
  9. https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587
  10. I thought that I love my wife more than anything in my entire life and I used that to justify being a fucking animal. I don't know what love is anymore. I don't know what I am.
  11. What's even more twisted is that this very therapist used to counsel my wife a year ago and I'm using that fact to question his objectivity in my own defense! WHAT THE FUCK TSUKI?! WHO ARE YOU?
  12. I appreciate that all of you are trying to comfort me, but this is not just my imagination, or choice of perception. We went to couples therapy session and I had a shouting contest with the therapist, he said that I'm using emotional violence against my wife, that I treat her like a dog, that I will start hitting her in a year and that we should get a divorce. He was scared that I will hit my wife after we leave the session and reassured her that he will help her if she calls him. THIS WAS A FIRST SESSION! Either he's being serious or this is an incredibly cruel scare tactic to get me to cooperate. I was observing how I manipulate others in how he was manipulating me. I am projecting my misogyny onto my wife and using pop-psychology to "fix" her. I have no concept of boundaries and personal space and I am using nonduality to justify it. I am treating people instrumentally, as a way to get my needs met. I have authority issues. And all of this happens when I lose my temper and I get angry A LOT. This is fucking dangerous. I'm a loaded gun ready to go off.
  13. Believe me, I didn't come across as high on the narcissist scale to myself as well. The problem is that this place is easy to manipulate and you don't see just how angry and frightening I can come across in person. The truth is that I'm not talking about my marriage in any detail in here. It's horrifying.
  14. I am a narcissist.
  15. I lived my life by harming and manipulating others in order to avoid being the victim of traumas. In order to do that, I became something that is capable of greater harm than the monsters that tormented me. I feel disgusted, angry and terrified.