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Such things can give people ideas because it allows people that want to kill themselves am excuse to do so. Japan has insanely high suicide rates. Also a white guy going to an Asian country to point a cultural problem as sensitive as suicide is as wrong as the colonizers that came to other countries trying to change another culture without trying to understand them. Japanese are extremely proud people and rather kill themselves than not to try their absolute best. Toyotas can drive 1 million miles for a reason. Him going to a mass suicide grave yard is shitting on their culture. There's been more violence and death from people not wanting to understand another's culture. Logans so shallow he would never understand the harm he caused even though he's sorry for what he did

@Tanz What crimes suggested of him does not equal rape? The documentary is implying Russel Brand could be a rapist via 4 women witness testimonies, one reporting herself for a rape test kit, anti biotics, why? Because she texted him before, and when she arrived, he was drunk and high and forced himself onto her despite her trying to repel him, he undid her pants and pulled her panties aside, put himself into her. If this testimony is true, this is statutory rape clear as day. Yes, his accusations and what he's YouTube Channel covers are separate, what does that have to do with YouTube's decision to ban him? It's their company and private business space, just like me and you are in this private space of Actualized.org, and why freedom of speech laws do not extend into Actualized.org. You do understand that a business has to think of the costs of their public image being effected, if it's found out that they have hosted a potential rapist in YT right? Just look at what they did to Mr. Girl's Channel, they took it done because a bunch of Nick Fuentes fans and streamers that are alt right mass reported his Channel over the pedophile rap song. What mainstream business wants to be found out they're potentially hosting a pedophile in their YT space, even if later it's found out there was mass reporting done by the Twitch community and abuse of the report function? Compare and contrast their guidelines to this forum's guidelines. What are you assuming of Russel Brand's wife, and Russell Brand's behavior in that time? What if Russel Brand is that charismatic that he fooled his wife into thinking he's a nice normal guy, they date, have sex, got married, have kids, and at this point it's too late for the wife to back out? So because Russell Brand accuses 'big pharma' of lying about the vax that get's him a free pass to say other conspiratorial BS and anti mainstream anti establishment BS? Like do you understand how many more casualties and fatalities that Covid-19 would have if they didn't enforce Covid-19 lockdowns and rushed vaccine development? Do you know that polio, a terrible disease that leads to people paralyzed and relying on iron lung tanks, got wiped out because 'big pharma' western medicine, scientists and capitalists that funded that vaccination development and distribution, that vaccine wiped out polio? So YouTube punished Logan Paul for filming a couple of dead bodies in Japan's suicide forest a couple of years ago, is arguably more dangerous than YouTube hosting a Rapist who could've done those crimes 10-15 years ago? You do know that there's a difference between footage of dead bodies versus hosting a person that may have raped multiple women 10-15 years ago?

Those crimes that you suggest him off does not equal to rape. His accusations and what he says on youtube are two different things. If he was breaking community guidelines regarding youtube then they should suspend him or ban him. Like what Alex Jones did when he said the school shootings were fake. Corporate crime and corruption have been crimes big pharma have done in the past such as the whole opioid epidemic and no one was jailed for it. These types of crimes he has exposed. He has said, if big pharma has done these guilty things how can be trust them? This maybe not a valid point but for some people its enough. Similarly if I had orgies and I was a sex addict, my wife would probably not want to marry me. All of the stuff Russell Brand is guilty of the past, people are holding him against that stuff today. Just like he is accusing big pharma of lying about the vax based on their past. You see how similar your thought process is to him only different stories? Do you see your bias towards him is equivalent to peoples bias over him. Youtubes sales would not be hurt, they punished Logan Paul for filming dead people that committed suicide which is arguably more dangerous than having someone who's possibly committed a crime 15 years ago speak on their platform. Eventually they put him back on their platform because he was making lots of money for them.

They won't try to test your patience. They will be emotionally available. They won't simply use you for their needs. They won't constantly fight with you. They will be respectful of your space. They will deeply listen to you. They will give you time. They will create goals with you. They will help you when you need help. They won't be verbally emotionally or physically abusive. They won't threaten suicide. They won't threaten other stuff. They won't make you feel guilty if you trying to leave them. They won't engage in psychological manipulation. They will be blunt about things. They will not neglect your needs.

There is nothing divine about you. You've just become a puppet, embodying yourself in flesh to live eternally. And this Earth is hell; how can you incarnate into such a stupid and cruel race? I have nothing to do here; I don't even have the right to rest, nothing." Your drugs aren't even helpful, I feel like shit sober & same same when I use drugs to relief the pain of being this eternal puppet. And all of you people, so arrogant you think you have control. You never had control, your life is like a movie, everything's already written and you fool yourself to believe that you have to do XY and Z in order for a thing to happen while this thing was meant to happen no matter what you have thought before. You really believe you can create your reality with your thoughts or emotions? Imagine what you would have created since you were a child. You don't create anything, you just watch your fate unfolds and project thoughts/meaning & stories on what's happening fooling yourself into believing that you created this or that. And when something "bad" happens to you, you go "what did I do to manifest this" ? Nothing you idiot didn't do this shit, it just happened to you because it was always meant to. And there's no "why & how" no but you keep playing this game of seeking, you nourish the illusion of knowledge as if it were going to bring you something. Always the whys and hows, endless question again & again, you will never stop, you are the King of fools. There's nothing Godly about you. The worst are you people believing in spiritual concepts trying to justify your existence with endless ideologies. You cannot escape from Yourself, suicide will not end suffering, nothing will.

@Gabith why do you want to die ? Can you open up a little bit? Maybe I can help you out because I was suicidal in the past . Also btw Once you die the whole of reality will die with you .(not to Encourage you to commit suicide but just sayin).

I want to die but I don't want to kill myself because I hold spiritual beliefs about "something bad will happens after suicide"

If you are so sure of that and you are suffering then why not contemplate suicide?

All true. I am curious why the wealthiest most intelligent people don't find material success ultimately unsatisfying? I would expect more of them would be more vocal about awakening and internal pursuits. Many celebrities and many of us think if we get fame, power, money, etc. we will find happiness. Some successful people do realize material success does not fix their internal life when they reach the pinnacle of their industry. Some turn to drugs or suicide. I was wrong about membership of religious denominations. Here is a link to world memberships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_religious_populations Thank you all for all your responses.

3-2-1 shadow work: It feels as though there is a deep pain for no one apprecating my work be it excellent and or genius level It feels extremely enticing to do genius level or extremely excellent work that goes beyond what people can perceive as this is the only way I felt I received love and affection for working It feels like shit at times to be black and it the working culture It feels like there is a subtle stirring of unmeet needs in terms of love in family, friendship and relationships It feels often like the only ones who can give me love and have love are the ones realizing there has been some trauma or serious issue It feels like there is a strong surge of love for myself when I have it my mother takes it and keeps it for herself and is in denial, while it's female frenzy about having children, more like a lustful killjoy than actual love It feels like there is a drive of death in all of this saboating my work, it's not depression it feels like an actual feeling of wanting to die It feels like there is a connection to seeing beauty and beign addicted to beauty in a level as it's healing and having this vanity option as the only option for healing, as an alternative for love It feels like only my image is loveable not me as a human It feels like there is a deep existential vail to all the good memories as they are all associated with video games, most female psychotherapist do not understand this, they don't comprehend and get any logical connections, and especially logical and emotional connections a lot of boys & guys have, most psychotherapist do not, as they live extremely healthy and or are toxic to some level It feels like there is deep need for strong connections and bonds so I can find strenght in my work It feels like my character and humour is cripled as it's to extreme for many mostly only very high iq people appreciating that level of darkness This is enough I already have tears in my eyes, the point about death is the most serious for me, I miss the caring touch of a girl who loves me .... HA! Are you gay stupid? Yeah I greet you to. Are you okay? Or are you sabotaging myself emotionally to negate every success you'd also enjoy? HA! You're demise is all to me, I despise you! Dude you sound like some Marcel in my head. In your head in your head, that's your new gaslighting term? Oh the level of glee to justify your existence just to have that little tiny rough feeling, you can'T edge this out in a challenge can't you? And be like everyone else? HAHA why should I? Dude you're so stupid it's incredible... yeah beign gaslit as a teen and kid, then diagnosed as gifted, as some stuff that barely has any research multiple things and rare cases, and you call me stupid? It's not like I am fat and just need to loose weight, because someone bombared and feed me with nasty images about health etc. and subtely shamed me, there is so much connection of stuff, I don't even know how to untangle this. Me neither and I don't care.... Good work shadow....! That's gaslighting!!! Bro you should totally open a schizophrenic comedy, show. Do you even know what that means and that everyones like everyone uses the term incorrectly? Do you know ChatGPT? Yes, you could get answers there instead of bothering me.... yet brooo.... sometimes I feel bad why do you want to kill yourself, you would even ruin my fun? How would you feel having no girlfriend, beign at a model level of looks that beign useless as a guy, unable to properly leverage it, having an IQ above 130, easily could be making 6 figures right now, choosing some conscious option to follow some guy on youtube, to get into all of this b.s, havign your grandma die, having an injury that negates most prolific things that you in recent years created, and was appreciated and loved for, having a heartless mother who get's cheated on, having a father that is absent tell you, I love you I love you, truely meaning it and you feel it, then he completley neglects you, not knowing now if it was real or not, the practical love that you don't feel, yet the intention that you feel? What do I do about this? Loosing all of your friends, people saying you've changed as you started to speak your mind, how much people love and enjoy you when you're conscious and can be truely there for them, neither like your mother nor like your father..., aunt or grandma.... how would that make you feel when everything is lost? Well... everything of this is in me, you just don't see it. What am I not seeing? The love that you're missing and the deep connection is in me.... not in them...I took it and I have it, as you could not take it anymore beign non-reciprocal, you felt how the world sucked it out of you, you blamed the world, blamed your existence etc. It's all your fault. I don't know how to take responsibilities for this, these patterns are quiet deep, and I don't exactly can pinpoint it the psychotherapist I got so angry at them steadily poking at my fahter, as I had more positive experiences, yet now I don't know anymore neither do I care, the guy never truely cared and as a father he is long dead, the pain of having these positive emotions is the most bothering to me, like time sucking cocksuckers who can't realize and appreciate the greatness of what I could do .... I feel so stiffled by just not working properly, I truely don'T know why all of this self-sabotage? Why because of love, I don't get the connection, how can love be so strong?? Why do I have so little of it and it still feels like more than 99.9% of others and why when I have it I feel like the world steals it? Yo... we would talk for hours about this, can you just not give yourself love more and take the pain, love till it hurts seriously hurts, and maybe even kill someone because of it, even if it'S you. *sigh*... the point of talking with you, makes me more sane. I dunno at least you're not a socialized dormat, to what I feel like this is the only thing my mother rewarded the fantasy of a single-mother = suicides for her children. It's disgusting how this ignorant good will is helplessness in her entire nature, she is not enough, she knew it and gave her best I applaud her for that I feel good about it. Yet this shadow session is to huge. I don't know exactly what I am incoperating, what is your gift? Staying in one topic, is such myopia work. I could buy a prosittue for this and tell her to jerk me off, that is how most psychotherapsit feel with their hogwash and "holism" would be fake anal sex I dunno. Go fuck them seriously, fuck psychotherpay and every bullshitter that opens HIS MOUTH YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT CLOSE IT. Where is the aggression coming from triggered by feedback of guesswork? Oh, yes you guessed it. That is something you can co-operate.... you notice you also feel the most help and need for little things in life why is that? I don't know it just is that way.... because I received no love for this and it pains me how it feels like girls and women even take it from me by their sheer existence around me if they act like animals, if they are conscious I feel love, yet if they are more animal I feel death. That is an interesting connection... let's see.... uhm. Why do you feel like this animal/survival thing as death? Is it not a challenge, maybe a challenge of love? Did you ever see love as a challenge? Instead of pain and anger? Not really no, I never saw it as a challenge. Sounds more like some whack idea. Yet you get that all of these challenges and little things are part of the bigger picture of giving yourself love, you do get that? Yes, I get that, and I feel it. Thank you for saying it, yet what do I do with the video game thing... it has gotten so out of hands, that you barely enjoy interacting with other younger humans, especially turkish men, and arab men, it's like they can only think with their dick and their religion and their family maybe, a few a rational assholes, yet it's a few who are higher green that give you more of the good humour and connection based on this crazy culture. Bro this is way to large to handle in one session, I give you your gifts.... notice the connections between animal type of materalism and your drive towards death, it's the utmost nasty isolation you can witness, also the connection about love and challenges, these challenges are part of a growth of self-love.... see that more often, if you take these two things away from this sesssion, oh and that 3'rd one keep away from fake coaches and gurus who neglect your self-inquriry process, they don't appreciate you, they take you as some scientific test study like the average nazi white male does. I am the one who does not see tiny challenges as an opportunity to love myself more I am the one who does not see the connection between materalism, suicide and isolation I am the one who does not see the death drive as a connection to extrem animalistic intentions => leave me alone and give me materal stuff I am the one who is pissed and angry at the guesswork of others I am the one who is not using mini-love to heal myself I am the one not seeing the massive power of self-love and how it helps me deal with the family situation ---- This is it I can't take more out of this session it was way to much to get clarity in this I could work for decades on this, what I just uncovered.

I dunno what to make out of this family situation thing, I saw this also in my teens with a guy where is mother worked endlessly, and just gave him money, two actually they struggled extremely in school, there is also no real father time, and it's emotionally painful to me at times to be with girls, due to how much energy they can crave or how used I am to this, I don't have the most masculine guy friends currently, it's more a feature of this city also, it's family depression somehow. I thought about how, needy my mother is in terms of needing me and not providing, now again that she has a boyfriend I am left alone, yet how long it takes me to come to this realization and the subtle gaslighting etc. I don't know if I'll end up killing myself, it's a huge fear that I have due to how extrem my life has been. I did not find anyone who can seriously help me with this & good friendships are rare without sports and consistently working etc.... I don't know how to deal with the fact that I've never had smth. where I felt it was family besides when I was at the friend of my mothers house, I dunno if calling her helps etc. I just don't like to bother others also, I called the suicide hotline sometime ago, and it wanted to only make it worse to kill myself, I just don't enjoy it how little my family is able to partake in my life because they lack social skill are needy and have no empathy. I feel so devoid of emotions due to how negligent they acted when I was emotional and the gasligthing and the sub-current of victim mentality of "understanding" etc. I don't think my mother get's the connection of what it means to be in a family, not act like one. I've never seen a more egotistical asshole, in terms of beign negligent and caring. I dunno how to describe it, when I am conscious and meditating I can forgive her, yet it's absolute torment for me to go through this, as I cry and have minor breakdowns due to this, it is healing, yet it's painful to see her in other faces. Of negligent duty bound meritocracy whores, who shame you for merit. and applaud themselves in cynnical irony only to sip wine again, then beign in denial. This was every evening and she denies this, I don't know also, yet for me it was every evening. I had no joy interacting as I had to make so many comprimises you just know at one point caring about yourself does more good, and not engaging with the others need. It's also her if she get's cheated on, to some extend, if it happens more then once, she chooses the wrong partner, she chooses stage red drives over conscious higher level drives, as she lacks disciplien and is lazy. It's like a red/purple hell at times with girls. Or heaven. I don't exactly know what else to type here.... I feel so unreciprocated solving highly complex issues, beign gaslit about doing good in the world from my direct family and the ignorance of society, and how painful it is to see mostly how strongly other's get back into their families. Even when they are toxic they go back, as they know there is some strong familiarity bond, same goes for me, yet she does not get the connections of how she undermined my success, by her behaviour. Helpless stupid cow, behaviour, impatient and angry, projects every fault to others and blames others and denies this, cynnical and gloating character as that is the only depth this person every saw, shadows without end's in relationships, absolutely not present only in nature, feels like shit to be around her. Stubborn as fuck. What can I say about her? Of course there are positive qualities, yet it's like.... my aunt is even worse as she lashes out and would get violent, my whole German family has anger issues the same with the American most likely. She also has to trigger others etc. and gaslights with :"that was just a joke" not respecting boundaries. It took her a long time to realize what asshole she was, and what she does only to have her freedom, I hope seriously at one point she just dies. My aunt hated my grandma and hoped that she died for pains, said this how often now would be in denial about this. They are all in denial about it. My grandma was the only one who had love to give, she might was a little rough at times, yet she at least had some level of love, the issue is German culture and heartlesness, the issue of strength in this culture and the war's. I really would like to be back with my old psychotherapist she really helped..., yet I feel as though I did stuff just wrong etc... I'll do a shadow work sessions right now around pride etc... how it helps. ...

He is right though. Take it from someone who does have experience with "this particular situation". The type of relationship you've described is highly dysfunctional and manipulative and won't fulfill your needs in the long run. One day you'll wake up realizing just how lonely you are, because none of the "friends" you've made care about you. They care about the character you're playing to satisfy them and their expectations of who you are/they think you should be. You're selling yourself out for the benefit of being accepted by others, but it's not authentic acceptance, and deep down you know that. You can run from that truth, but it will catch up to you eventually and THEN you'll know what it means to be lonely. Your whole counter to him saying that men need authentic relationships boils down to "Well I don't have those relationships, so you don't understand shit!" when he was telling you that men need these kinds of relationships, BECAUSE they usually lack those kinds of relationships. The type relationship you've described is the norm for men and it's, as @Razard86 said, one of the many reasons for why the suicide rates for men are so much higher. A lot of men take being disconnected from their emotions/the emotions of others for granted. It just fuels the problems they have.

I think ultimate health is loss of boundary and loss of an identity. Death is the ultimate health. Edit: I don't think I want to post such things in the future, because I feel bad that people read this and believe this. Maybe this is true in some significant aspect in my life and I have my reasons for why I think so, but somebody else now will justify suicide with this which I am not justifying etc.

I stumbled upon an informative website in my psychological and evolutionary research that may provide insight. Here's the article in particular that I would agree with from an evolutionary perspective: https://www.museumofplay.org/app/uploads/2022/01/3-4-article-gray-decline-of-play.pdf The website is the "American Journal of Play" "Over the past half century, in the United States and other developed nations, children’s free play with other children has declined sharply. Over the same period, anxiety, depression, suicide, feelings of helplessness, and narcissism have increased sharply in children, adolescents, and young adults. This article documents these historical changes and contends that the decline in play has contributed to the rise in the psychopathology of young people. Play functions as the major means by which children (1) develop intrinsic interests and competencies; (2) learn how to make decisions, solve problems, exert self-control, and follow rules; (3) learn to regulate their emotions; (4) make friends and learn to get along with others as equals; and (5) experience joy. Through all of these effects, play promotes mental health."

Did the person committed suicide ?

If you genuinely have a method that can prevent suicide/ cure depression, then you have a product worth infinite value. Your issue is simply how to market it. You should find 10 people who are struggling with depression/ suicidal ideation, cure them, have them write testimonials for your services then use their examples to find paying clients. You could also share these methods in the form of youtube videos or a course or something to build a personal brand around curing depression, basically a life coach

I have been considering a different route for my life purpose. Currently, I am working with a chess in schools program. However, I could do more good for the students if emotional mastery were taught in schools instead of chess. The closest thing to this goal I found is isha inner engineering by Sadhguru. I have considered this route before. I was stumped because I don't know how to change the educational system. If I went to college I think my major would be politics with minors in philosophy and psychology. The problem is, I don't know what to do next. How do I go about changing something like this? I happen to be passionate about this issue because I know that I found something that could prevent suicide. It is a combination of spirituality, psychology, philosophy, and other fields. It may include cognitive behavioral therapy, which has good empirical evidence for reducing self harm. A lot of this came up while I was in the hospital due to withdrawal symptoms from anti depressants. I was able to apply what I learned from this site in a way that made group therapy more effective. This includes a bible study in which I helped a woman who lost both her children recently. I clearly have the potential to go far in this direction, but I don't know how. Should I go to college? Should I join a movement? Should I join isha engineering? Should I do more inner work on myself to be better qualified to teach it? Should I write a book? Should I restructure the educational system? Where do I go with this life purpose?

If you truly have transcended death then I expect that you commit suicide ASAP. Why ? Just to explore different kinds of lives other from this . Why not if you don't fear death ? Just by being alive entails that you fear death . So by definition no one alive is not afraid of death.

What is Death? Lie Separation Suffering Fear Self Hatred Devil Darkness Ignorance Ugliness Evil Hell Chaos Disharmony Guilt Victimhood Addiction Prison Manipulation Harm Distraction Hatred Greed Fake Conflict Intoxication Sickness Shame Illusion Ignorance Unawareness Boredom Depression Suspicion Destruction Violence Gluttony Atheism Disconnection Numbness Manipulation Self Harm Madness Craziness Perversion Anger Dysfunction Disability Arrogance Toxicity Distortion Disgust Bizarreness Unconsciousness Cage Suicide What is Life? Truth Unity Joy Thriving Love Self Love Awakening God Light Wisdom Beauty Good Paradise Order Harmony Innocence Radical Forgiveness Virtue Freedom Liberation Integrity Goodness Presence Kindness Abundance Realness Peace Sobriety Health Shameless Reality Understanding Awareness Magic Vitality Trust Creation Kindness Discipline Spirituality Connection Passion Desire Charisma Erotic Happiness Adventure Exploration Elegance Grace Flow Being Ease Pleasure Ecstasy Primal Wild Consciousness Heaven Appreciation Gratitude Home Homecoming Soul

Contemplating my life, what to do, where to direct my energy. I though why am I so ignorant/stupid. Why am I in so much pain. And I went deep into who am I specifically as an Ego. And down the rabbit hole I went. I understood that majority of my problems occured that I didn't have a father in my life (I grew up with my mom). And my body had this disfunctional type of energy to it, it seemed like something was way off. Like some kind of "energy-cord" is not attached to me. And I understood that this body was born out of un-happyness. That in some way in the process of making this body there was a lack of energies to make it functional. And I understood that I'am FILTH. This body is stamped with darkness in an energy way. And this body can only attract darkness (other people who are of the same filth energy background) and there is no way I can attract good energy people, it's just not possible. It's like you are a LEGO brick which can fit another, but I cant fit some, I even saw some kind of triangular shapes that matches some people and some dont, it was super amazing to actually kind of see that stuff with my minds eye. And then it hit me that God put me specifically in this body for my past-life karma. I saw my Soul was very dirty, just darkness, as "Evil", that I have done something really bad in the past. And this life of mine that I'am living through is actualy hell for my Soul, the stupidity, the filth that I attract in my life is all for my past-life karma. And in that moment I realized that I will have to life through a thousand more lives of suffering in order to "wash off" my Soul. I was on all four on the floor and cried like a bitch in the eyes of God, begging mercy for my Soul. But God was silent, observing me sort of "It is what it is". And the most painful thing to realize was that I will not finish it in this life-time. All of this knowledge, all of this undoing of my egoic shit will not get me I'am using this word vaguely - "Enlightened", because God will never accept such a Dark Soul. That was painful. And even I randomly contemplated that suicide was stupid too, it wouldn't get me anywhere LOL. I have this life and I must live through it, there is no short-cuts. Actually this whole insight that all of the shit that I'am going through is my karma kinda made my life way easier. I mean I earned this. And I'am taking it like a man. This experienced was core breaking for my Soul. It's like a mirror was shined to it to see what it actually is. The paradox is I don't understand how could this body with this kind of "darkness/filth" stuck to it have so much light radiating out. I can just speak of myself as this - "I'am Filthy Light"

Please help me commit suicide before it is too late. I beg you. I beg you. I can't go through this for 50 years more. Disease and poisoning and so forth. I beg you people help me pass away. I will be sicker and lose more and others will feed on that. I will be tortured. Help. I need to escape my miserable destiny. Can anyone help? There is nothing good left of me. I can't survive without having to suffer so much till the end.

Girl seems flakey generally since the I have the injury I find it extremely difficult to grow as a human. It's all gone mostly also getting evidence and respect, I found the mistake also today... and wrote down a challenge for my whiteboard. I am generally tried of stage orange & red domination culture & the highwire act to be functionally at yellow, also since the injury. The only thing that gave me consistent results in my life was meditation & I abondend this process as I became also so soft and some assholes utterly abuse this & this is mostly people from 2 or 3 world countries & people who have brown skin color, not black... to be explicit. I notice how unhappy I am never being allowed to test myself to the max besides intellectually. I harbor strong feelings against also the stupidity rampage of single girls, who only go for red & orange guys. Green is okay, but so family centric here. It's close to blue & yellow you don't find if you're not selling them the orange. Or have the ability to show an extremely well-rounded lifestyle. I don't enjoy it to deal with flakey girls who shower you with attention & then withdraw it's not that bad currently, yet when I am very busy & then this sudden abrupt shit comes. I don't like it. I don't quiet know when I consider with empathy what happens to her & her options. Sure she can do smth. else I don't like it also how "republican" it feels to sell my lifestyle. I don't like the term anymore either. I was really big on showing girls my world & that type of advice, yet through the injury that world was splitter & dissected into thousands of pieces & when I am on my edge I crave either exercise or sex intensely & masturbation helps me just with this. I don't know what to do at times besides, that at one point I contemplate suicide as this takes me so much energy & pain & the uglyness of humans at times becomes so much, yet killing others is not the thing to do. I can either just max out my muscles & money and flaunt this, I dunno what to show anymore also, going into clubs to find a girlfriend or yoga? There are so many rigid & delusional girls & confused ones. Also the approaching and analysis & improvement field I am a bit tired of it. I have some issues with being externally validated, internally it's fine, yet only truly working when I am meditating. Alsoy vision does not get me up in the morning in fact it never got me up, when it does not involve some social factor, where I don't feel like I get shamed or have to meet bitch faces & frauds. Although, I was so used meeting surely corrupt people that it was a motivator as I believed in the goodness of them & that they are just ignorant, till I saw what weak pussies they are in character. I redacted my OneNote section about spiritual game plans & notes. Entered a gratitude slot, to practice that there explicitly as I leave the intentions there open. Otherwise, I don't know if my coffee addiction or video game addiction or masturbation addiction is an addiction. It's more of a function of my leg is hurt & I am fking bored out of my mind. Yet, I am so used to entertain myself with these, that I just go for it. I don't like it that I can't optimize my health as much & a lot of the joy is simply gone from it, especially the edge. I was close to functioning at an elite level. Now I don't know I often feel I need money & space to attract humans or be forced to entertain myself with culture, events & foods. I am a bit tired of this, yet my other new friend at least has an interest in spiritually, so we can exchange stuff here and eventually get some idea for smth. Or just have a mutual connection. I also despise the current self-help people I've meet via actualized.org, these people are surely so toxic like on online-gamss & brainless that the dominating type of people win out in life. I dunno why in life & in games being intellectual on the edge gave me better results. Also something changed, I don't know what, yet people are generally more chill around me the issue often then is boredom. I also don't enjoy working for this low salary, even for the experience as to many things have been fked & this is smith. I yearned for at 8 or 6 years old when old and immature shitheads did not give me dipshit advice. They provided 0 opportunities and we're useless if they were honest. The only one honest enough to admitt she was useless at times was my mother. Also some really enjoy that crunch I did also to go on a tangent here, I don't tolerate the stress to well without sprinting and freely moving my body I already feel so restricted and overcoming the pain of my scar. I really also can't deal with unhealthy greens I am friends with healthy green & yellow elements that is good & cognitively at turquoise, I don't even fathom that stuff at times etc. What bothers me is the subtle scientism and that energy of discrimination and abuse from video games & mechanistic worldviews. I played with a guy today called Top g the first thing he said was some b.s not to be seen as insecure even though the guy totally felt secure. Then I heard German type accent then he said monkey to another player & I muted him. This is so obvious, yet they abuse this subtle vulnerability of shame where I used to improve upon as a character and human to drag you down. This somehow took an end to me & I don't care as much anymore and I am not as vulnerable anymore it's impossible I've numbed out to this, I don't know if this is growth, yet I absolutely numbed out to the stupidity when I listen to it long though my pain body gets triggered & I feel a strong urge to punish and dominate these people, they generally come with this energy from red&blue type development & I don't even enjoy anymore the mechanics of this from a higher pov, as it's such a thankless place to be at. Yet at the same time it can be very authentic. I don't know how else to describe this as many love healthy red kick-ass energy. I feel also blocked be these natural type chillers who get girls without being edgy & they loose some because they are not edgy enough. It's so weird. Sometimes this shit does not happen to me & I don't enjoy studying this shit anymore. I would like to have someone to get into the field with & practice, yet this is so difficult to find. The guys I had the call with asked for 2k & doing it alone idk, I went out to often in my very early teens to enjoy this as this was even endorsed by my family to go out with 16 on the weekend. Not directly endorsed but subtely implied etc. It was good and I definitely meet more girls, yet a single mother household is extremely bad for a single guy I see it so often reflected in my life. I don't know what to do I am scared of offending girls & I would do it most likely to intense as I am seriously hurt at times, yet that also shifted & is just blocked by this single-mother conditioning this is the only good thing mostly, you have to much self-respect to be as low as very toxic girls, yet there is a different toxicity behind this upbringing and it is a level of frustration and anger against sexual needs & relationships & denial of this & a very nasty embrace of it. At least this is how I feel. I don't know my vision is blocked sort of, although my life keeps getting better... I also am triggered by though love feedback as I have this genuine feedback growth, also happening & this helped me more so there is a certain level of ingonrance behind it? I don't enjoy the issue of though love feedback is that it's not often done on an equal plane some can do it on an equal plane and this is generally extremely valueable. I dunno I can't go out shot some ball, be inspired by the cringe stuff that inspired me all heavily blocked due to health. Watching Leo Gira does not do anything anymore since 2019 or so effectively maybe a few episodes, yet it's not the same, then again the planning & stuff and being spontaneous I am afraid of making mistakes and others acting on that is so obvious I would never do that etc. Shinzen was the best help, till I was subtely riddled with this apprecation type shadow and privilege type energy from green because we're good humans from one of their coordinators Emily & I gained some extra favour in that sense of typing as she is so lame in responding it's horrible. Then she is only human & I dunno if I did shadow work for that. Also seeing money on my bank account feels good, on a sidenote here & I just don't know with all the dumb fucks, who listen to techno not recognizing it's absolutely fling red&purple culture. Wilber did not get it and categorized this as that is amazing some tech o generally speaking also *vibes* higher. Yet many want to go to a rave to act & life Out animal instincts not for beauty and holism. I don't get any matches & matches I get then are just a lot of compatible & attractive girls, yet there is many times something wrong in the background. Which is fine, yet I notice also after a while I don't feel strong enough to project masculine energy and I feel guilty, because of my sexuality & just being sexual in general, especially public I am massively afraid as I've received so much conditioning. The issue is I seem so masculine to others I'd have to be more feminine & playful. Many though men automatically respect me. I don't know what else I can type about besides I crave sweets so bad a city with more interesting humans.... Like New York or so ... & not the same type of european gal. I got lucky with the odd one out and she is not replying, also I know why many guys shit Talk and rate it's simply a crude form of motivation. It's like going out and be like omfg that girl just checked you out, look she's so hot! A hot girl & friends complimenting your looks & you notice & feel the pull of their subtle intentions conscious & or not conscious. Oh the police stopped searching for my bike & I would need to be adament about filling in some stuff in order for them to be searching. Ultimately, it was my mistake I know even if some mistakes are not yours, it's a possibility & I saw other expensive bikes, so I thought it would be fine, yet I find it fking weak from the police that they stop searching after 1-2 months not even 3 months minimum & rather send out this file and do paper work. Fantastic job guys. Absolutely killer instincts. Cybercrime is most likely the only type of police work I could respect currently and gang stuff, theft is so fking low. It's so disgusting. I dunno & I frankly feel at times I am so broken due to the Hurengeburten that gave their "best" to help you were useless to Beginn with if you're not helping me to get laid this has been true for me since I was 12 or so the only real friends at least gave me more opportunities to get laid & had an interest in doing so I also found it easier to approach girls for others. I generally still do, as I just don't turn as needy. Also this whole needy & non-needy idea is so fling dumb at times, I'd generally say I am one of the few non-needy people, yet that does not help me to get laid. In a social situation I get needy about wanting to be left alone!! Like what do I do about that? If I engage I feel energy zapped & if I can't be on the edge this is the case. I don't know how often others subtely gaslit me about how I look or what I am doing, when I was out, even when nothing was wrong & seldom was these are people who learned their whole socialization either drunk or being gaslit that way themselves in this cynical old type of region. I don't know what to do I still craved having different type of experiences with girls, especially fully healthy, yet most of it is gone. I have such a weird ambivalent relationship to sex. It's not that enjoyable my scar makes orgasms weird as I don't know what type of nerves are involved when I am masturbating more consciously. My energy system is so fking high when I do this I can't sleep. If I do it sometimes & still ejaculate normally, then it's re-energizing with good sleep feelings. I just feel well-rested energetically & can sleep. Yet to practice conscious sex with a girl all the tips I've been reading the Russian guy is my only hope currently, the others ones are subtely such bitter pussies, instead of using their edge they just deny it all & leave that need unmeet. I also don't feel well that I can't give girls this insane & sex Body that many already like on me it's a huge pain in the ass. The trainers are to uneducated & just help the fking fat, stupid & lazy & the few normal ones. I just don't feel like I can get to this purifying effect of health through intense exercise. Now I crave sex even more and I don't quiet know what to do besides going out solo. I am also tired of seeing toxic brown people at my gym man & the effects of the strength projection in 6'ish biased Germany. Strength, beauty, loyalty = new lion commerical & brand. So cool yeah! Dude it's so cringe the only the worthy is the lion energy... same as a tiger energy... I dunno society is so fragmented & girls inherently at times as smart as sheep & men also. I don't know what to do with these besides to gain more control & Power so I get my needs meet. The perspective is also not correct, yet in it's essence that is what I am getting. Still there are billion of nuances, also this girl again had this hot & crazy energy where I am unsure as I feel so much fling guilt. What to do about this I am also not receiving an influx of girls, where I am numbed out this this possiblity as they would game themselves by energy & animal female/girl type behaviour. I noticed how weak I am at times to sexual impulses, yet these desires are simply signals. I also feel with an extremely unattractive girls I'd end up unhappy & how much I enjoy beauty being at 99% in this area I notice this is a given. I am also opened spiritually more and feel more creative. I seriously don't know how to properly develop myself, it's close to one year now where I seriously started again to better myself actively and not do maintenance. Unsure what to expect. I don't expect anything I would just like to have some different more healthy social distractions such as more sex & enjoy some different entertainment etc.

I have no problem banning people from here who I deem characterologically or ideologically unsuitable. TJ Reeves was accusing me of running a suicide cult. Anyone accusing me of that will be banned.

@LSD-Rumi you need to know who you really are if you want to keep exploring with psychedelics, otherwise you will not have an anchor to go back to. People sober commit suicide because they listen to the voices in their head and think it's them, imagine high. IMO psychedelics didn't cause anxiety, it was already there, it could be stuff that need to be worked through. What's your goal in taking disassociatives? of course they made you calm, you got out of your body, you dissociated, you became numb. If you are using psychedelics for personal growth, you actually want to go straight to the shadow. I don't get people who complain about bad trips, what are we really doing here? Aren't we using them exactly to see the things we can't see when we are in normal reality? Alcohol makes you numb, ketamine makes you numb, those disassociatives make you numb. Our role here is to anchor our souls into our bodies and for that we need to actually feel the body, we cannot force the process, the dissociation is basically going for a little adventure, and the dishes are still there after we come back. I spoke to my friend who is a nun this week, and she had mediated for 7 hours that day, she told me "to meditate, to feel god and connect with my soul is easy. Difficult is being a human, to have a body, and participate in the outside world." hahaha Life is precious, we just don't know it yet.. it's just that we need to unclog the pipe to experience all the bliss. Unclogging the pipe means feeling our feelings, our anxieties, and all the bad stuff.. it's a difficult process.

There are so many years ahead of me. It is so daunting. I wake up at night and I can't sleep enough. My dignity is tarnished and gone. My brain is incapable to read and do intellectual work properly. There are no options for suicide except sailing onto the open sea and drowning in the deep, but that is not an option, rather a fantasy I have and wish I could fulfill. My life is just gonna keep getting harder and harder because bad people, way worse than ISIS have bad intentions towards me. They had them for many years, and that is why my life has crumbled and gotten to where it is now. In the past I had a bad sexual habit, mastrubating, but it is completely gone now. I wish I was smarter and wiser when I was younger, but I wasn't and there was no one there to actually prevent me from losing everything. Now I'm left with a very weak personality and brain and a very weak sleep, rest and relaxation routine. On top of that I am losing my freedom forever, freedom to travel and freedom from being a slave under other peoples control. Other people poisoned me and have been doing that in the past as well. They will also make sure I don't fit into society and that I go nuts and turn into a fat slug. What I am asking for the first time I think today on this forum is how to make money online as a YouTuber if that is possible? I know there are plenty of people out there that want the same thing, and I know that I am a weak personality, but I'm just wondering how to become successful online and make enough money to become free, sail away with someone and never return, hoping that people will not try to destroy my boat as well if I ever buy it. I'm in my mid twenties and life so long is ahead of me. Living a life that feels like torture is not what I can take, nor what I deserve. How do I become a YouTuber or nature photographer or just a photographer and become rich enough to be set free, to pay for help if that is possible, and then to buy a sailing boat and if possible, maybe not even commit suicide but regain my health in another country and sail the Atlantic, sail around the world. I wish I could get my health back to live a d I wish i could get better life conditions back that I had but did not know how to use in the past.