Applegarden8

Thanks man.

I think that this approach is good. Have you had people not giving loans back? Have you got in trouble with police due to a "friend"? Is your friend holding back you from what you really want? I think less is more in this case. You will feel lonely even when all kinds of people are near. But too much investment in friendship is also a problem. I have this problem, so some variety of different and unique people you meet is important. They own have a different story to tell. I have few needy friends who cant seem to have somethig going for them. And they want attention because they are lonely. But for that you need to spend some time alone and self-reflect. Filter definately you should have! You can't let all kinds of people or even most in your life, they will drain you dry. But that doesn't mean you should completely close up. Chatting up is also needed. I hope you find some insight from my nonsense.

It's hard to explain what is happening, BUT I really like whatever it is. I can say this process of being creative is helping me to grow in a way that makes me nurture stability, minimalism and silence in my life. I feel like I am expressing what I want to express and, while I really have nothing else going on, I feel it is making me to pursue spirituality (or whatever that means). I underestand that if I want to pursue what I am pursuing, I will earn nothing and gain pretty much nothing materially speaking, but I should also lose the desire to do it and I will gladly accept whatever comes next. Doing what I do makes me relaxed, more loving, more emphatic. I like how being artistic changes and challenges certain narratives about what society tells you about life, like: - You actually can do WHAT THE FUCK you want out of life and you can survive the fear of missing out, peer pressure, constant rejection and enemity from more traditionally minded people, and you will see the DEPTH at with everyone is a rat (including you) when their beliefs are consistently challenged just by looking at you. You may arrive at a question to ask to yourself: "Why can't I be an idiot, at least in my personal life?" You see, somebody calling you an idiot, he is just disagreeing with you and he is frustrated about you and does not want to reflect about his life. It's very relative. But unfortunately, in amount of people uttering and frequency of uttering ideas becomes your "truth" if you don't clean your personal space (which sounds easier to do than it is). - A lot of things which are "good" in society are terrible for you and people around you; - It makes you exposed to different perspectives, and there are a lot of insights to be had and interesting things you can find about yourself; - You are YOUR BEST FRIEND and you can build your life. Of course, life is not entirely in your hands, but you can REALLY fix some of the aspects in your life to make it so much more better. - There is no absolute model (in my opinion) to live life, all advice, models and books give you a relative (your own interpretation about all that) not even what the writer or teller intended to tell you. There are some good ones out there like some parts of religions, some ideas of people who have gotten very good at something or are generally very happy. But there you will get your own ideas about their ideas which will can help or hurt you. After all, what you need is silence and space to look in and see what your desires are and go for them to learn the lessons life has for you and get wiser quicker to understand what is the point of it all. If you have little to no possibility to achieve what you want, you need a different strategy for living (if you believe in multiple births, that is), and you can attempt that when the environment is better. Ultimately, what I see is that being creative helps me to mature faster, at least for me. To see what is important and what is not. I can't take myself seriously. I cannot even relate to what I am writing here. It's very limited to express this in language. I see that I am a rat, and I see that I have to relax and relaxing works. I know my life is very temporary, and I don't want another birth. So I am tense, sqeezed in different fears and desires, but... I am aware of it. I have a bit of a headroom to relax from all that, and this is probably the best skill to learn. To just unclutch from everything, and just keep performing the actions you have to. I am honestly feeling that I shouldn't talk about these topics or have any qualifications to teach how you should live. But I will say this. Your family, friends, teachers, enemies, government, education system, company, or some person on the internet does not know what is best got you in your life. They don't know, don't really care because they have an agenda for you. You have to figure this out. You cannot trust them. But once people see that your behavior is different, expect to be rejected, a lot. And it's ok. Self-sufficiency and finding what works in terms in your happiness is the main thing you should be focusing anyway. Thank you, for the bottom of my heart that I exist. But if I could leave this body, I would not even hesitate. Not that the existence in form is negative or somehow bad, I am just delusional and I cannot seem to untangle and find the source of delusion, so I have to wait natural death.

I am furiously upset because of my work. I barely have any capacity to function. I just want to sit by myself really.

I would like to do something like this in the future https://youtu.be/cyTTBs5c_5o?t=447

My problems would be periods, violent men, maternal instincts and i would have to wash more. But I like being a man, although i am a very feminine guy.

I constantly hear this from my neighbours when they hear a little bit too much of sielence for extended period of time. "What are you doing?" "What did you do today?" "What are you doing at all?" I have a big smile in my face and I want to ask them: "well what is there to do?" Depends on your ideology, but it's most probably it's not yours as you are running on the same software from a way back, and I don't want to run on it, cause I see it's not working. There has to be a family man version of an updated software too, right? Or only this option is there for idiots like me? Who have to be audited constantly in their personal lives about what they are doing? Make up your own mind people, you clearly even do not know what you want yourselves and I can see that, otherwise you would not project that on me.

You need to spend time by yourself.

@ivankiss btw i have noticed that some women in my workplace are very flirty. And I know they have bfs husbands even, they have a ring on it. And it's sometimes SO visible, that something I do, say or express turns them on or they choose to express that they are into me, but it may be not even the case. I a cannot underestand a lot of times why those women give the signals they do. Are they bored? Are they in low quality relationship? Doesn't the attention from their relationship suffice them? I underestand if you are single. I don't want them to feel guilty about it, but when you give me the clues that you are attracted, look at me, talk to me i will just smile and laugh it off, because i don't know what are you hoping for and i am just not taking you seriously. And I love it when they act very flirty and play the boyfriend/husband card in a conversation. You will not tell if they have a partner by their behaviour, really. It's so strange. Do they secretly hate men? Or like having positive validation too much? Or they know something is not fullfilling them (which is truw for all people) andbsome try to substitute with attention? Or they don't know what they want from life and react to whatever impulses they have? I don't know. I can accept how you are, but you are wasting your time flirting with me, i will just switch to a work related topic, because that's why I am there.

I will tell you what my collegue told me when shit hits the fan. Go drink some cofee and relax. It will take time to resolve whatever has hit you.

I have been wanting to change for such a long time now. I think it's time to slow down, dig deep and change some fundamental forces of my life. I have always wanted to do this. Some relationships will be broken, some activities forgotten, but I will gain what I really care for. I know, if I start doing that, I will become very quiet and progressively more detached from people and things, but this is what I want. There is mainly two things in this aspect. Making my lifestyle very minimalist and sustainable. Where I do my job and music, the rest is spent for contemplation, any downs that I have gained I have chance to reflect and see what happens. Eat very little and mostly raw food, try fasting etc. Doing some basic form of yoga. Reduce amount of sleep, build up the body for sitting in one posture for long periods of time. To be come emotionally flexible and don't have to rely on pleasures to go on with my day. Doing more contemplation, completion techniques and some techniques like practicing falling asleep consciously or some solipsistic techniques that takes me out of my mind to have heightened experiences of reality. Ok, let me start and if I fail, re-start again and again. If I manage to struggle for 5 years and come to a significant point of no return where I do these things consistently, my quality of life will improve to the point i can't dream of.

I underestood something I have been on the fence for a while. The only reference point in my life are my desires and how I feel. Nothing else. Here is what I mean. I was feeling really down saturday, and I sat in the train, my head hurt and I was so stressed and tired and I looked around and tought to myself, well, this feels horrible and this is what I feel, lets just live it, here I am. I am where I am. I am not famous or spectacular in any way about my music. I barely have the time and energy to keep practicing my instrument, i usually feel bad to keep and keep pushing. My job is very demanding and takes a lot of energy, but I try to cope with it. I don't have a gf and probably will never have. I will be alone, probably playing instruments for the rest of my life, doing pretty much nothing else than working. I don't know how much more I will live and will be able to practice etc. Every interaction or seeking of pleasure feels very hollow. I hate being on internet and eating refined food that makes me tired. My life is going to be as boring and ordinary as it will be. Yes, i also have haters that try to mentally disturb me, which I have to live with. I have my own cravings, habits and unwabted behaviour so. All of these factors and more is where I am. Sitting in the train and thinking all this, not knowing what life is about is where i am. It's dreadfully horrible, but it's great, because this is where I am. I have always been affraid to double down on something in my life, but somethibg felt really true to me. I felt horrible and was true, i am not running away from it and i don't want to. I will completely accept is as there is no other extension or immagination needed. There is no need to have an amazing party or amazing sex as this stuff is also hollow, and you will not have it often. I don't have resources to be financially independant or do music full time in the way i would like to, it's ok, i am where i am, probably will never do it full time. It's horrible, depressing or whatever, but it's where I am and it's ok. I don't feel like i need life handed to me in sugar coating, it's what makes it hollow. I want to be how I am. I want to find how I am really like and how I function. So many sugarcoated idologies I know, which inebitably ends in suffering, they are all based in avoiding feeling of fear and pain. This is wrong and has never worked in my life. So what I underestood is the following. My life has no value and never will have. This is important to remind myself. You don't need values to function. Human mechanism and cognition is far more sophisticated and intelligent than concept of morals and values. You can function without them, at least in my experience. Breathing takes no morals and values to happen. You always have fear of missing out and being rejected by society, only thing not worth missing out is your own fears, insecurities and traumas. Other stuff you can miss out on, it's optional, but this, you need to sit trough these, whatever time it may take to resolve them, if you care about any degree of existential freedom after this body and while you have it. While this part is important, desire also is important. Slowing down and underestanding what our true desires are will make your life untolerable or worth living. Your desires are not the interests of your family, company and goverment. You fullfill a need to fullfill what your desires are from it. So what are your true desires? Bigger house, better salary, more relationships, being better than somebody else, having something that somebody else has, having a comfortable life maybe? I would say no. This is neither what you or I want. So what is that you want? It's up to you to discover? I will certainly look, otherwise whatever I will own or achieve, you will always confuse me into wanting what you have or not wanting what you think i shouldn't want and it will go endlessly until my very last moments of my lifex when I will realise my life was utter confusion, because i didn't double down into looking into myself.

Let's go then.

A drummer asked me today, what does music mean to me? I could not answer him. I feel he was very interested in my answer, but i couldn't say how much or how little, since it's very relative to the other tings you feel about life. I don't know what it means to me, but I know it means something. I don't remember last time i genuinely connected with a person like today. I am not craving for it, but i felt his passion and he felt mine. We were on the same wavelength, it was quite interesting!

It cannot be. It's a product. You can obly use it to the extent that you can and try to.