Search the Community

The highest levels of consciousness I have reached have made regular functioning practically impossible. Some examples: Usually I completely disidentify as the human body which makes movement extremely hard because I cant comprehend why I would even try to survive. Other times I dont even know if I have my eyes open or closed, because I collapse that duality, so I cannot distinguish between the two supposedly separate states. At other times all of symbolic language collapses, alongside the illusion of memory, and everything becomes meaningless, so reading any symbols will be like reading an alien language. Or I get into a state where I see the Truth so clearly that I am having difficulty sustaining breathing alone due to the amount of euphoria accompanying the realization of Truth. You can probably reach a relatively higher state of consciousness while still retaining your normal abilities of survival, perhaps even enhancing them, but at the highest levels it almost always makes it impossible to act in a normal way.

They live - Those magic sunglasses that negate the TV signal that alters our perception... Dark City - Alien run experiment that puts humans in different lives and identities Devs - Mini series about quantum computers, singularity, quantum mechanics, parallel universes Flatland - How 2d beings perceive reality Instinct (1999)- Professor ditches the games of human society and goes to the jungle, lives with gorillas, but humans do not let him be... Pi (1998) - Explores themes of religion, mysticism, and the relationship of the universe to mathematics In-shadow - Animated short film. Embark on a visionary journey through the fragmented unconscious of our modern times

Holy shit. I swear I just stared into the eyes of an alien or supernatural creature. Not okay. I was not ready for that.

@jake473 Hey thanks for responding and sorry for the late response back. I haven't checked into the forum for a while, but I'm glad I did. Happy to hear you're on a road back and massive props to making it such a commitment. Thanks for the resources and the new angles I can tackle my situation from! I've had a very sedentary lifestyle ever since my early teen years. I did some exercise here and there, actually running as well (which I eventually quit because I kept getting calf issues). The issues became noticeable literally from one moment to the other and developed after that. I've had horrible posture basically always and to add that to the sedentary lifestyle was probably the origins. I currently work a VERY active job but whenever I'm free I'm basically behind a computer. I've had many examinations of my body to find the problems and basically two things came out of it: one was lack of abdominal strength and the other was the fascia. I did get some tips at the time but couldn't really follow them up since it involved the gym which was closed at that time due to the corona. I'm currently working on the ab strength which is a slow process and tbh I have no idea what I'm doing. The fascia thing, I have no idea where to start. I haven't found anything that noticeably made a difference in the symptoms so it's just doing stuff in hopes of noticing an effect at some point. I think I remember the PT telling me to basically need full body stretches but again, no idea where to start. Hearing your process is scary to me as you seem to go focused and deep into the exercises. I find it incredibly difficult to notice what I'm doing during the exercises. I don't have a clue whether or not I'm doing them correctly, which muscles I use, I don't really feel them and I often notice other issues after the exercises. I'm so unaware of what's going on in and with my body that I don't notice what I'm doing. So being this precise and aware seems kinda alien to me. Cheers, thanks a lot and keep going!

Wow, i couldn't help myself, i had to write "scary alien". This tool is actually addicting.

@Leo Gura Thank you for the pointers. I’ll try 10mg a few times first to get a general feel of how I feel before ramping up a little. I was expecting it to be totally alien, I guess just surrender to it. Nausea is something I’d heard was pretty common with 5–MeO so I’ll get a bucket ready and make sure a don’t eat for a good 6 hours beforehand. At this point I’m so used to puking when taking psychedelics that it is worth the slight inconvenience of it. Do you use microscoops instead of a scale? I hear what your are saying about the 2mg incremental differences. Without spending $1000+ on an analytical laboratory scale, Amazon type milligram scales seem a waste of time. @Yali I was thinking the same. But I guess once you’ve got to the point of breaking through the ego. There isn't any need to keep ramping up the dosage?

You don't need to convert freebase. It plugs great. 10mg is good to start. 5mg increases are good. 2mg is too hard to measure. 5-MeO is quite nausating. The body load is significant, alien, and a bit uncomfortable. But 15 mins in you will stop caring because you will be in God-land. Expect your first few trips to be difficult/scary. It takes several trips to get used to it. Don't quit. The best trips come later. The higher dose trips are better. You want to reach a point where you take enough to break through the ego and materialism. This will probably happen at over 20mg. But don't rush it.

Hey all. I’d like to share something. It is a mystical experience as I came to realize, but it did not involve any substance, so I must describe the conditions that brought it about. Bear with me. I know it’s a long read, I made it as compact as possible. It is autumn of 95, probably September, I am 19 years old. I don’t have the slightest clue about enlightenment, and if I have heard something about it, I have definitely labeled it in my mind as “one of many kinds of religious delusions”. I knew a few things about psychedelics, never tried anything other than marijuana. There is no internet for me yet, so no easy access to information. I am very introverted, and I like to distract my mind with philosophical issues that usually arise from my daily life and human relationships. A story from greek mythology, the one that in the beginning of his life, Hercules had to choose between the path of virtue or the path of vice, comes to my attention, and thus started my next philosophical undertaking. {Mycenaean period}*, I think to myself, {a culture that is ancient even to the ancients of classical Greece, very much different and alien to us, yet there is a concept of good and evil that is pretty much the same today}. {And if you look at modern times, in all different cultures, there is always this same concept of good and evil. As if it is part of our instincts}. {But what exactly is good and evil?} {Why should anyone be good and not evil and what is the meaning and the value of such a choice?}. *I’ll put my thoughts from the past in curly brackets{}. The answer that the evolutionary pressure led humans to become social animals and develop a code of ethics, was not good enough for me. I was looking for the essence of the matter. And I had to understand it using only logic, if possible even express it using math formulas. I used to believe that logic is the best tool to check and guide feelings, and feelings is the best tool to check and guide logic, and that they always had to validate each other. So this concept that I could very easily dismiss sentimentally, in order to have a holistic view and a deep understanding, I had to approach it logically and pragmatically. And, of course, I would do that from an objective third person perspective. So I began examining various cases in my memories, looking for intents and motives, trying to interpret thoughts and deeds, mostly in other persons, because I feared that I could not be objective in judging myself. This must have been in my mind for 2-3 weeks, I would ponder it before I would sleep, and then the first thing in the morning, and whenever I got a chance during the day. I was trying to keep it alive in the back of my head all the time. I would observe people and their behavior, trying to find something that would give me food for new thoughts. I remember at some point I had come to a conclusion that {good and evil are two ways for one to organize his relationship with the outside world}, {Different viewing angles of the same object}, {like the two sides of a coin}. But still I was not at all satisfied. At this point I was feeling overwhelmed. Although I knew I would not let it be, I had to change tactic, maybe define my questions more accurately and limit their scope. So I would be content if I could find the mechanism and the exact reasoning behind my mind’s labeling of things as “good” or “evil”. I started a process of introspection that was familiar to me from my dabbling with computer programming: To write my code, I would usually examine how my own mind worked to reach the solution. I would play my thoughts in slow motion, trying to fully analyze any conclusion that was already formed and summed up in my mind as fact. I spent a few more days contemplating, watching my own mind and its judgments on each and every situation that it found itself in, until the answer found me instead, and it literally came to me out of nowhere. I was walking on the sidewalk with my sister, next to a small park. We were going to a kind of prep school that we have here. I started having a bodily sensation like goosebumps but I knew right away that what was coming to me was something out of the ordinary. If I describe the goosebumps as a wave that comes and wets my feet as I’m standing on the beach, what I was feeling was such a wave, but instead of it crashing and receding back to the sea, it kept coming and rising, and before I knew it, it had already taken control, carrying me wherever it intended. I remember struggling to focus on putting one leg in front of the other and keep walking. If my sister was not next to me, I’d just stand there motionless. I didn’t want her to know that I was someplace else and spoil this experience for me, so I tilted my head downwards and away from her and my gaze fell on the wheel of a parked car. What was going on inside me I could not describe in language. Only after the peak of this wave had ended I could find words that would approximate it. {This wheel is me, I am this wheel} {I am all the people} {There is nothing different between me and the next person, such distinctions are silly} {Doesn’t matter if I cry and others laugh or if I laugh and others cry} {What I feel now is true love, whenever I thought I’ve felt love before, it was only a shadow of this true one}. I felt like a creature that had spent its whole life in a swamp and now for the first time it raised its head out of the muddy waters and looked at the sun on the horizon… The question I had on my mind for so many days, now felt “cute”. I know the answer as if it had always been part of me. But I have to work in order to describe it in terms of language, so that I can remember it. {I absolutely have to remember this}. I can feel that this wave is going to recede eventually, and indeed its echoes lasted as long as it took for us to walk the remaining 150 meters to our destination. The answer I managed to express out of it was that the root of all evil is always some kind of egoism. It’s the idea that there’s me and there are others, over there, different, separate. {All evil comes from the ego. There can be no evil that does not come from an ego}. The set with the label “evil” is fully contained in the set with the label “ego”. As for the opposite, no matter how much I wanted to say it, I couldn’t be certain that ego is only evil, and that these sets are equal. So here’s the formula: Evil ⊆ Ego. Ask yourself this: Why steal? Consider all the plausible reasons. Why kill? Why rape? Why deceive? {The absence of ego is true “good”, pure, effortless, consistent, independent of external or internal circumstances}. {According to this definition, from a universal perspective} I thought, {We are all evil. Just some of us more, some less}. I did not wonder back then about the possibility of no ego, or about a method of achieving it. I imagined that as something that humankind might conquer in the distant future. As for the second part of my question “why should someone be good and not evil and what is the point and the value of such a choice” I managed to express the answer like so: {Evil is lack of information. The kind of information that is beyond the borders of the self. In most cases, the information that is missing is what is in another person’s mind. Thoughts, feelings, perspectives, experiences. One that has access to this information, cannot be evil. So since the existence of evil relies upon lack of information, it cannot be considered a valid choice. It is only a silly misunderstanding, an illusion, and in no way equal or opposite to good}. {An evil person is is more like a child that has a lot to learn and to grow up}. The conclusions that this experience brought to me, did not feel like a product of my intellect. Only the “translation into language” part maybe. But there was a huge gap. I could not find my own thought patterns anywhere. I remember being very perplexed because of this. I could not even be proud of my achievement, It didn’t feel like my own, but more like something bigger than me, something that was accommodating me as a guest. Pride and achievement… My mind certainly went there, but then I had this feeling that I’m selling out this “great ideal” by being proud. This was, and still is, one of the most important moments of my life. {But why did this happen to me now and not earlier?} {It definitely came as a result of my intense philosophical seeking} I thought. {Oh, and then there’s this that might have played a part}. During this time and since about a month before that, I had been meditating for 1 to 2 hours every day. I started doing this for a reason one could never imagine. I knew back then that meditation was a practice in some eastern traditions like yoga, and that it had positive effects on the health of both mind and body, but the real reason that made me take it on was that my Dungeons and Dragons character would meditate to regain his psionic strength points and even to unlock new powers. And I found that super cool. Many years later, I was casually watching youtube videos and I stumbled upon one that, if I remember correctly, had the word “consciousness” in its title, and this was what made me click it. This guy at some point said in very plain language that enlightenment, like the kind that the Buddha had, is actually shedding one’s ego and escaping its prison. Well, I was in shock, trying to digest what he just said and the fact that I understood it perfectly well. {Fuck me, is this what the buddhists and the yogis always been mumbling about?} I thought. The guy in the video was Leo, and this is the reason why I wanted to post this story here. Many thanks for this heads up.

I also haven't (to that extent) but apparently, some people have. Yes, but again, where does the causation come from if not just your mind? Why would someone like Greta turn pro-fossil fuels? Why would someone like Trump suddenly turn into a Democrat? Why would Hitler start loving the Jews without any cause other than your mind? See what I'm trying to say? Yes. Very likely. This is Solipsism though... you're animating everything and *everyone* by shifting the focus of your consciousness to that/them. Lol. I'm sure it can, I just don't see why it would. If the goal is to forget and pretend it's a human in an alien world separate from others then it just needs 1 experience (POV) for that. Not infinitely many. And again, going by this, it actually would be counterproductive to dream and be aware of an infinite number of dreams. It beats the experience. This is why I/you, whatever, are only aware of your ego-self and not of an infinite number of them. This would imply that manifestation is inherently limited and bounded by others' receptivity. So basically you're saying you can't manifest unless other people are in accordance with your will. To my knowledge, from various reputable sources as well as self-experience, this isn't the case. As long as I persisted in my desired state, I've had a 100% success rate. Don't get me wrong Matthew, I want more than anything for others to be real. Like I'd probably go crazy if I found out this wasn't the case. I want you to be real... you are a real one btw (no pun intended), I always read your posts. You're out here asking the right questions. But yeah, I just can't see how that would be possible in the relative domain. Perhaps the relative domain is a lot more radical than we are able to think (fingers crossed).

@Someone here Then you should know that space has no limits. there is no outside, unless you think it into existence. the baloon is infinitly big. As to why it seems to be expanding, i think it has to do with the fact that the evolution and awakening of the Microcosm is deeply interlinked with the one of the Macrocosm (Universe). A growh in self-comprehension of the first results in the "physical" growh of the second. But again this is still a mechanic inside the dream. You should ask this question to some interstellar alien race.

Have you by chance ever used meth? I ask because I once had a massive psychotic break on it -- thought I was starring on an alien TV show and the producers were framing me for murder for good TV, and later I was convinced that I was the world's first AGI and the hospital and the psychosis were just a ruse to get me to come in for updates... But the reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't fully recover until after having gone 5-6 months with no meth. For months I couldn't shake the suspicion that a government agency was following me and doing experiments and surveillance etc... And I was hallucinating evidence for this too -- but I had a hunch they were hallucinations (considering the alien thing was later seen as obviously a hallucination, I figured the at-the-time-current surveillance/etc hallucinations probably were too), so I was able to stay somewhat tethered to reality. But it wasn't until I totally healed that I could see through it 100% as nonsense (and the hallucinations disappeared completely). So if you've ever used meth, fwiw it took me 6 months before I healed from its mind scrambling lingering psychosis, so you could maybe reassess whether you need medication at the 6 month mark since last use (again IF you've ever used it; I wouldn't be surprised if you never have). Or if you (or whoever sees this) haven't ever used it, hopefully this still helped somehow -- if nothing else, maybe it shows someone that delusional thoughts can go away completely.

@Someone here If you've "awakened to solipsism" why have you got a gay ass alien hippie pfp, SCREAMING, I'm a basic ass bitch, looking for a group to join

Introduction #13: Much love and respect to all souls here. Deeply devoted to the long term results of this journal and everything that can be shared here so I’ve restricted myself from formal posts like these from now on other than simple in between posts that will be deleted after every formal entry from now on to make it easier for readers. For authenticity though I don’t want to delete the past really unless it’s truly necessary, some posts I may but it really depends on where the energy evolves moving forward overall I just want to make the right decision. My grammar by the way will also improve I’ll make sure I double check entries, for transparency I don’t want to edit previous ones so that we can look at this from the frame of growth and progress. It’s discernible… haha, that’s what matters, though my philosophical gestures there if any have less potency there that’s all. The emotions that bind us all together are the most important and they’re all the emotions that we store in our heart which in return regulate the rest of our body. As I think of you, whoever you are, there is information from the emotional to the cognitive that my being creates which tells me who my being thinks you are relative to me emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and in every other way in that moment as that moment for that moment that this information appears. This information in return regulates my body from the heart in the same way that the same information that my being creates about my own existence including this idea of my, being and existence itself. It does this from the heart but in relationship to and with the brain and our aware consciousness (i.e. mind though I don’t really like the word kind to be honest, I feel like it’s been misused in culture a lot) is the regulatory mechanism of this link concerning connection vs disconnection. What I have become aware of is that through this simply exercise I do of simply paying attention to the heart as I noted in intro #9, inclusive then and to further elaboration as noted in other intros, the feedback loop of the information of consciousness, of heart and the self regulatory mechanism between these two that we can refer to as awareness say for example through brain, I have learned to continue to create a stronger and stronger connection through this means and therefore increasingly separate myself with negative relationships and connect myself with positive relationships. A negative relationship here is simply one that is unnatural and therefore not conducive to the potentialisation of being and a positive relationship is natural therefore conducive to the potentialisation of being. This then gets me to my next point where to me, life is about the positive expression of free energy now. Now although I said that I was not yet ready for philosophising of life until I have fully completed my training for this journal, such a sentiment of course is thus solely contained by its relationship to our being and more pertinent to this journal, our heart, and for me for all practical purposes concerning here, the alignment and connection/s between the heart, consciousness and mind. As I have expressed, over and over, just to help drill in the point where we’re here emphasising the heart over the mind including aware consciousness over mind and brain itself too while recognising the important connections where they matter most to the work here. Back to our starting point, four words, “positive”, “expression”, “free” and “energy”. This exercise the I am increasingly developing my understanding of from a practical level has been showing me that it makes my energy increasingly more positive through the free expression from negative energy, negative in the context of this journal is where energy days become too clogged and creates a state of dissociation which can even create a positive feedback loop towards becoming more dissociated as you’re encouraged less and less to tap into the heart. This last point links into what I mentioned before with respect to how I felt like my heart experienced electric shocks (I.e. when laughing) and as if I as being stung by ice picks, more than this, recall how I noted that to even stay with heart through any long duration I would have to survive “shaking” responses created by the body to ensure that I didn’t stay with the exercise. Back on track to my everyday experience it’s become obvious that I am more and more beginning to develop sense of cohesive self that my awareness was previously separated by which goes back to earlier journals including recent ones where I reflect a growing connection and unpredictable positive development here. I’ve been paying particular attention to my heart today trying to maintain as much connection as possible, worried that if I don’t pay attention I’ll become disconnected again and that will open up dissociation that puts me in a state where I’m unable to engage my being enough that my consciousness produces an intelligent (inclusive of emotional wavelength) link with existence, not to infer of course that my being becomes “anti-existence” more in the sense of “anti-self” in an unconstructive way. I sometimes notice myself taking for granted one state over another and it is tendencies like these along with further analogous connections that are going to help me continue to develop my awareness here. I feel mostly positive at the moment however I said something a little earlier that produced a bit of negative energy that I’m going to spend some time inside learning how to transmute better, it feels good to self honestly reflect and reveal my state something that I’m still getting used to in light of this slowly building self I’m building. I feel that I’m getting closer and closer to relationships with my brains mental life of the self and not just my bodies which was one of the goals of this work, the noted example above being of course developing a sincere relationship with my future self which I believe is going to add a positive relationship with my ability to self regulate states like those noted in the previous paragraph. Three new realisations I had today which I feel are a consequence of my growing self were, consciousness is simply a byproduct of universal consciousness it both is and isn’t a big deal. It’s a big deal because all of life is a big deal and it’s not a big deal because all of life is a big deal. The second is that I’m going try out this idea I came up with where I’m asking questions from my heart with my body just to generate a more energetic feedback loop with the heart. I feel that the more of my body I use to ask a question to my heart the more involved my being at the heart energetic level gets involved. I feel that this may be especially useful to those that have a history of dissociation so they’re disconnected from their bodies due to past trauma. The third realisation is that there is a communication channel between energy, consciousness awareness and heart which relates to my earlier introduction about regulating state but that I’ll slightly add a nuance to here in further communication of the earlier goal about learning how to change state. So I believe that the angle for transmutation or at least what I’m finding success with in this order is (1) become aware of the bodies energy (2) already decide that you’re going to make this a transmutational point (3) carry that energy high up into aware consciousness which is say around the perimeter of your being above your shoulders (4) from aware consciousness communicate to your brain to channel this energy to your heart so that your heart can get to work with respect to giving you information about this energy and transiting it simultaneously (5) you continue to perform this exercise waiting for and while learning from the information that is generated from your consciousness over and over, as it comes, sometimes patience is an important aspect, and you do so until you reach the higher balance that you were after. Another important point that’s still in development from the practical sense is the channeling of all energy from the body (especially where stated energy feels comparatively “negative”, including “mental energy” say as it pertains to how I began this introduction with respect to transmuting the associations and relationships we have built up pertaining to any all all living beings in existence to a “Free Energy State”) and from the described conscious aware state and intuitively adjusted as needed there. If the frees energy my intuition is that energy can be transferred from all areas of our being towards the heart to free up and reach that “ideal” of the described higher balance. See what I’ve realised for me is that the hearts a natural freer of energy is doesn’t want to keep it trapped it’s a continuous pump but if our aware consciousness doesn’t know how to use this pump our heart can become clogged which creates previously noted problems aka an over-survival response that inevitably leads to dissociation that can branch out into many other nasty places as well. Okay great well this concludes the end of the introduction I think we’re off to a great start here. Thank you everyone I hope you’re all doing okay, read my earlier journals and realise that I deeply know your pain whatever you’re going through. I have a lot of high expectations for myself and genuinely I have a lot of high expectations for myself and genuinely I am still developing the empathic awareness I want to in order to ensure the lessons I’ve learned from my past experiences which includes remembering where I came from so I can remember where people are coming from in their struggles are reflected by that. Even though I have an intuitive feel for things in this area I feel that it would be better enhanced if I continued to grow this complementary aspect of myself. Session: I feel right now like my skull wants to jump out of my skin and scream the universe from my eyes I am that frustrated with my present state of being. I am ANGRY at my parents, the world and myself included for allowing this to happen, for not noticing myself and the world around me enough through the eyes of psychological distinction enough that I would transmute this world out of my ass so all that remains is the purity of life in front of my eyes via the fluidity of my being. I feel a chaos turning because I cannot feel alive and I know deep inside this lack of consistent aliveness, this constant shifting back and fourth between alive and not alive due to this dissociation, is the reason for why I have often sought after a non-disclosable preoccupation with my imagination in the past (something that I've shared briefly in another journal here) to at the very least have enough dopamine to make it through life. I feel like I have been stabbed by a sorcerer from an alien civilisation where their weapon of choice that they have refined as a part of their master craft is the induction of an irreversible condition of dissociation to the point of a catatonic state that I only survived out of luck, and now only out of luck am I surviving this condition now. The clouds loom in my mind again, crashing and smashing up against each other and the only freedom I have from this state is in describing through the use of my imagination, otherwise I feel stolen, lost, forgotten as I "SHOULD BE", that suggestion somehow planted in my subconscious, circling about like thunderstorms in those dark clouds to imbue a sense of fear in the child that is hiding in the forest below for cover. I am lost, naked in the woods at 8-9 years of age and the only way through is a late afternoon where the night is turning quickly and predators of this never to be chartered before forest are to come awake and find their dinner. I feel like this state is obsolete, disposable, rejectable and shameable which is likely what produces the dissociation itself and it is something that I am unable to play like air in a flute with finger holes waiting to be plugged but the air will not escape my lungs with the right intensity and closeness. So I am trapped in the dungeon again in front of the whole world, where literally the whole universe could see me if this dungeon were visible with the naked eye. That's the way I feel when walking around in regular life and how I have felt growing up in my familial environment, this observation with its necessary rectification was available to all of us but when I played my flute, this flute as a kid, it didn't matter how well I played it with all the lack of training that I had, no body heard it and if they heard it they didn't see it enough, I didn't see enough nor did I see enough of life confined period where life confined is the definition of a hundred year span contained in the palm of my hand and how I would play out this life. But here I am, STUCK, without enough awareness at this point to align with the destinations of my choosing within my being. I will spend as much time this afternoon and tonight just training and training and training to secure this new level I'm on while trying to turn the pages of this part of my history in this book of life to get to the next level so that tomorrow I feel a little more connected, I feel the suns light through my eyes and on my skin with a little more fidelity and spirit of the everlasting youth of the universe. Exit to this Session: Turned over, lost and forgotten Mum throws me in the dumpster as apparently I'm rotten In another moment, Gods gift, mum can't you irresponsibly decide once more entangled cotton As I empty these words I didn't know I had, I realise that I just have to continue to let them out and out and out, live and let live and learn... To trust This process, is a must Playing the flute once more, if not anyone else, Self, please fucking listen Love/Hate (partial to understand). New sentiments - Rules of thumb: If my state is not in a complete “Free Energy State” I don’t really trust it and I don’t really trust western or eastern ideas of any sort that may run contrary to developing full authority over our capacity to produce this state. Endless diligence, endless prudence. Just let it out, whatever it is, write and write and write, let it out, don't do the whole "waiting for the perfect moment" don’t need to force a reaction in the body nor do I at all need to react from a forced reaction within the body, I am now at a stage where I am simply learning the fine art of the maneuvering of energy with the described exercise and then (1) the body moves itself in that direction with a natural Will for the former (2) the body regulates itself to become a natural Will for the latter (so you’re not controlled by unwanted reactions)

I don't suspect this will be the case. Who knows. But I suspect like when this person first popped into the world, I'll be a completely blank slate... And maybe even a totally alien "universe" made of different senses.

The brain functions like a colander for consciousness, its normal function is to filter out all thought forms/realities which are considered by intelligent infinity to be irrelevant to the entity's survival. Of psychedelics generally, it can be said that they interrupt this process, causing the entity to perceive things that have objectively always been there but were filtered out by the entity's mind. Another way of putting it is like this, consider anything that you experience as real like your hand. In human perception, it's a hand, but objectively speaking it's actually infinity being collapsed into a hand. The definition of infinity here is basically every dream that can be dreamed by an infinitely powerful being. If we modify the human state of consciousness adequately, we can turn your hand into anything else that it is, like a whole person, a planet, an M&M, it can even be more abstract things like consensus reality, or a personality reality only, or a space alien man can't imagine, you name it and it can be it.

Date: July 3rd 2021 Set: Relaxed self-compassion and self-love since the one week or so. Setting: with my trip partner in nature on a lake Prep: I mixed the dried truffle powder equaling 16 grams of fresh Fantasia truffles in orange juice and let it sit for 25 minutes. I met with my trip partner in the courtyard at 9am. He got another mix with the same dose. We drank the mix. I felt a bit sick already. I ditched the last few crumbles from the powder expecting to go insane if the last few ones were also ingested. TLDR comes after the report. Report: Come up: On the last few hundred meters to the lake my friend recognizes that the buildings and surfaces feel skewed when we entered a small new area. I say that I feel like laying down the instant we are done preparing the blankets & snacks. When we arrive at the lake, I already feel loosening of boundaries and an onset of slight general confusion. I feel losing grip on reality and I resist the experience. I get into a mindset of waiting it out. And this is already in the beginning. Wanting to drift away from this experience, I plug my headphones in and listen to my music. It has a bit of ambient and flowing feelings. We start to chat a bit. After some time my body begins to shiver while I am letting go of the body and imagining to flow into the ground. I proclaim that I feel cold and put on the warm clothes I brought with me. The shivers continue, so I move to the beach into the sun. It's finally warm. No more shivers. I move to sit a bit on a patch of grass. Being warm again, I go back to the blankets and kneel on them. I feel losing myself. I throw myself on the blanket, laying there without orientation, just waiting and waiting. I want to refocus on love, but love is intangible, nowhere to be found although it’s known that there is something called love. After some time of just laying around I ask my friend if he likes to hear music. He says yes and I turn on SLEEP which I listened to earlier. Still laying there wanting to fade away and wanting to have this experience passing in an instant, my trip partner offers to draw tarot cards for me. I decline because I fear a misdirection of the trip. I want to leave this setting with his presence. Being back at the sunny beach I lay myself on the grass and feel being close to identity death. I hold on to me. I witness that I hold on to the grass, not wanting to lose me. Random words appear in mind, like waves washing ashore. They feed & flow into each other through rimes in a strange loopy way because they don’t rime at all when seen from an ordinary state of consciousness, with no beginning or end. Kind of like the alien language of Arrival (2016). I lose more grip on reality. I am almost not there anymore. Losing grip feels strange: Imagine reaching out for a rock. You take the rock in your hand. By taking it, you grasp it because it has grip. Imagine mentally reaching out for an image or concept of any kind like for example a rock. You hold it in your mind and grasp it. Imagine reaching out for a rock with your hand. You cannot get hold of it. It slips through the hand or it has an aura that makes it untouchable. Imagine mentally reaching out for any concept like a rock. It is just as untouchable as a slippery rock you want to pick up. My trip mate comes to check on me laying on the grass. He tells me that he had a crush on a good friend of mine a few months back. He was reminded of that because he drew The Lovers tarot card. I interpret him telling me that as inexperience in tripping. You just cannot come to me being in that state. There is a recognition that I cannot really grasp the story he’s sharing and say that we can talk about it after the trip. Again, I feel wanting to not be in his presence anymore and go back. I let myself fall on the blankets and lay myself down without taking off my shoes. My partner comes back and asks me about the shoes. I am nonresponsive now losing myself with more intensity. I still resist fading of the identity. However, there is no suffering in resisting it. It’s just an automatic response of ‘I don’t like that’. It's still ongoing with or without me holding on. Again, I try to relax into the moment and wait for the experience to end. I am disoriented. The clothes on me are messed up and there is no mental capacity to make my clothes straight or to eat any of the snacks. My friend asks about kissing bruises on my neck, if they are done by a friend I slept with. He says, “I am glad it worked out with you two.” I don’t understand that. There is the interpretation that he talks about love between me and other, but love from others doesn’t register. All I love is myself, there is no love coming from others. All projection is mine. There's a recognition of this ape body and bodily desires. Beginning to peak: The entire setting reveals itself to feel like a stage in a theater. There’s a knowing that illusion cannot harm anything. The realization is expressed through words that I can easily kill myself in that state. My friend reacts confused to that coming out of LR's mouth. There’s no difference, it’s an illusion, it’s the playing ground. Speaking in the direction of the partner (he’s now casually reading ) that I’m insane & dead (no one was saying that) and that existence makes no sense. It’s felt that the illusory brain is broken. Speaking out that spirituality and more things are bullshit – meaning nothing and being nothing because they are created. Words come out, spoken towards the friend but actually being directed to myself which is nobody in that case, “Just let go. It doesn’t make sense. Let go, let go, let go…” Being in existence. “Existence, existence, existence.” Seeing the world now without interpretation. Feeling existence. Nothing but existence. Direct, radical, total and seen as naked. My partner picks up on that confusion. He seems to have a breakdown or an early mid-life crisis. In that moment I am not there for him. It is felt that he’s an illusion being projected by me. The riming words which don’t actually rime in ordinary state of consciousness are coming to the foreground again. The visuals are faint rainbow-colored random Latin letters flowing like blood in blood vessels across the trees and air. It’s just a huge screen. My partner asks repeatedly if I am ok because of the disoriented state I seem to be in. I seem to not respond. There’s a knowing that there are question marks and sentences which feels like a child discovering what language is and there’s no making sense of it – there’s knowledge without understanding, like having an encrypted data file. Language is known and there is something called England and Germany which have different modes of speaking. There’s a knowing that the body automatically speaks those languages and that the partner understands. Other people come. Children with a dad. I project the illusion of them. They are not real. They are part of the play. Sentences are clearly heard, but make no sense. There is a feeling that it could make sense, but it doesn’t. Like hearing a foreign language but not understanding it. Like hearing sounds and not knowing what it is. Family constellations make no sense. Intangible. Remembering the family which this body is a part of, that this body is now insane and will be looked upon like a failed child that is now living in a mental institution. Looking from awareness, it feels like consoling a child that broke a stick. There is no fear or disappointment, there is just compassionate presence. There is a recognition that the projection of family and others in general is insane (even though I am insane). Timeless confusion. The meaning making structure malfunctions. It feels like trying to climb up a smooth metal wall. Slipping down every time when trying. Completely fried brain. Knowing of a body with skeleton and organs. Looking up, the tree branches & leaves seem to form an interconnected web. By looking to the headphones, they are recognized to be an infinite loop. Infinity is just casually being here. No memories, total confusion. Looking at wobbly hands. What is that. Wiped hard drive. Like an infant. What is that. An energetic field around skin is felt to extend 10-20 cm from it, like an aura surrounding the body. The energy on the skin is connected to the mental state, it's flowing. The mental state could not be there without the energetic sensation. Comedown: I am being asked to go home because my partner wants to learn for a class. I repeatedly say no. There’s an arising sense of alien students having a university life – feels like being in a theatre play and that the consciousness in the student body plays along. More children come by, I am being told to act normal – it feels like being an alien consciousness imposter in a human character who is involved in alien society and acts as if he knows what is going on. There is character play of acting like things are normal like brushing off dirt from the pants when in fact the world feels upside down. It’s acting like being the character. It is told to my partner that I still don’t compute. What is going on. Finally, my partner urges me to move as he felt disturbed by the newly arriving children. Packing all things together feels like an instant. Being told to tie my shoes. Looking back to the place we were at. It feels clean like there haven’t been blankets, snacks etc. We were never there. Looking at his watch he says it is 1:30 pm. Time doesn’t make sense. It feels like reliving the same day again and again, and time is just a creation to give the sense of many days being lived one after another. The whole trip back home feels like lasting just a second even though it is not known where we go and why. It just flows. The euphoric mood is registered. The world is recognized as heaven. The body functions on its own. Words flow out – their meaning isn’t known but they could make sense, “Nothing makes sense and that’s ok. Even that makes no sense.”, “Taking the correct the way back just happens on its own. There’s no clue what and where the place is we are heading towards.”, “To be nobody is true confidence.” Coming back home I lay on the couch and watch parts of the writing on my dream board which interestingly bounce floatingly together and apart like being held in place. It’s like leaves on a tree with certain parts of leaves moving together because they are on the same branches and at the same time moving independently to the leaves of other branches. There’s no knowledge where the phone thing is. It can be that it is still on the beach. The possibility of it being lost forever feels ok, at the same time the survival aspect feels inconvenient. Still laying on the couch I am registering emptiness inside and wait for it to be over. I find the phone and then take a semi-awake nap. Still half tripping I write my partner if we could meet up in the courtyard to integrate the experience. I feel that grounding myself is just what’s needed. The body feels empty and there’s a want to be full, no matter if filling myself makes sense or not. Looking into the mirror and seeing the pupils being still dilated. Coming to him I feel drained and devoid of any emotion. We talk and I’m sucking up information like a child listening to fairy tales. Anything that he spoke of feels good. There is a want to speak of the experience not really to make sense of or understand it but rather to express and put it out there. I see him without making up any concepts or stories. It is true listening while leaving yourself out of the equation. I recognize that speaking out what I want is then either manifested or not. I want to create the world. I request of him to get his blanket for us to just lay for some more time in the courtyard for more grounding. TLDR: Regular understanding that nothing makes sense or has meaning and that just oneself creates meaning is peanuts compared to direct recognition of complete meaninglessness. One can imagine it, but it's more radical than anything because there are no memories to put no meaning into perspective and to create meaning of meaninglessness. The recognition of radical meaninglessness is contingent on the death of the identity. All experience is only you. There is no other. Options are: a) Everything you feel is the body. There’s an external world that is experienced through the body. b) Everything you feel is the world being recognized as you. The screen of awareness is an illusion and that is recognized. Recognizing Infinity is just a matter of consciousness. All of reality is a play. No identity is true. Feeling oneself to be empty is also connected to thoughtlessness, presence and flowing into silence / infinity / timeless moment. Listening to Leo's video of "Relative vs Absolute Truth" the day after helped tremendously to put the trip in perspective.

You're right. How could I have been so stupid to think that Jed is Adya? Jed is an alien.

Wiring component A Related to emotional abuse Emotional abuse in childhood. It causes abuse to be normalized. For example - if a child is called a loser or fat by the parent, then when they grow up they are not able to differentiate between being respected by their partner or being verbally insulted as fat. This is because they can't differentiate between abuse and love. They take abuse or accept abuse as love. So they can't easily detect abusive love. For them it doesn't appear distinctly different from proper healthy love because they simply don't know what healthy love looks like. So three things happen here. 1. Not having a standard model of respectful behavior as a map/guide One is that you don't have a template, role model, framework, or blueprint of what respectful behavior looks like. This means you will never have the chance to know what behavior you should be looking for or picking. No healthy option given to you. You don't even know if a healthy option exists. 2. Normalization of abuse. Emotional abuse in childhood. It causes abuse to be normalized. For example - if a child is called a loser or fat by the parent, then when they grow up they are not able to differentiate between being respected by their partner or being verbally insulted as fat. This is because they can't differentiate between abuse and love. They take abuse or accept abuse as love. So they can't easily detect abusive love. For them it doesn't appear distinctly different from proper healthy love because they simply don't know what healthy love looks like. You think that it's ok to be abused since you begin to downplay your own abuse or don't take it seriously. You don't fight hard. You think it's ok or manageable. You don't even realize it's abuse to begin with. It doesn't create a shock factor. It does not shock you enough. It doesn't look or seem alien to you. Because you are so used to it. 3. Zero understanding and zero enforcement of boundaries. Emotional abuse also means that your boundaries have always been broken. The abuser always forcefully breaks your boundaries one by one so to get you used to it over time. So when you grow up you don't have a sense of boundaries. You don't understand boundaries. (you only understand boundaries after you are properly fucked up) You don't even know what a boundary should look like because you have never been taught to have one. You missed out on the crash course on boundaries that your peers got. All of these factors easily causes you to never see a relationship as abusive and or cause you to stay put or stay stuck in these relationships for a long time and doesn't enable you to leave them. In simple words, past or childhood instances of abuse enable patterns of abuse in adult life that causes the chain reaction pattern of progression of abuse seen in abuse survivors who constantly fall victim to cyclical patterns of abuse that never seems to stop. It's like once you are abused, you will be abused repeatedly without breaking this pattern.

Yeah anything above 70-80mg is amazing, but the hole kicks in at a little over 140mg with me, so yeah Lilly's 150mg bottom range makes sense! Perhaps an extremely brief (momentary) k hole peak with a little less (maybe 125mg), but holing for any length of time takes 140-170+ mg, in my experience. As far as extending the peak duration with higher doses... I'll illustrate, with basic pharmacology, the extent to which that is the case: 1. both r and s (and racemic) ketamine are very short acting and rapidly cleared -- 30 minute half life. 2. it has an intranasal tmax (time to peak concentration) of 15 minutes. Therefore, if you took exactly double the amount of ketamine required to very briefly (momentarily) k-hole at the peak (as in took around 125x2=250mg), you would be coming out of the k hole right at 15+30= T+45min. I've gone over 200mg in one dose and the hole still never lasted up to the 60 minute mark post-dose. Used 400mg in a sitting once, purposely avoiding actually falling into the hole or completely losing bodily control, while getting as close as possible -- extremely hard non-holing trip that lasted a few hours. For shits and giggles, if you took quadruple the dose that would theoretically give a momentary k hole peak, 125x4= 500mg (NOBODY EVER TAKE THAT ALL AT ONCE , as if it would even be possible to absorb that much intranasally all at once... and you wouldn't be able to spread it out since you'd be incapacitated), you would be coming out of the k hole right at 15+30+30= 75 minutes. One additional half life (30 minutes) worth of duration per each doubling of the dose. Maybe some got stuck on a dry spot of your nasal lining and absorbed later? Lol that would be unheard of though. Perhaps a significant amount of the drip was absorbed orally -- that may be what happened as it would have a longer duration than IN, and especially long if gastric emptying was slowed due to recent food intake... <-- If you laid down on your back right away, that could have easily happened -- you always want to keep your head leaning slightly forward after IN administration for as long as is safe (before you must lie down lest you risk injury). If there was still complete lack of possession and control over your completely-still-and-incapacitated material body past the 60 minute mark... I would highly doubt whether it was ketamine... But beyond 2 hours of clock-time?....... If the whole dose was insufflated in one go (or at least within ~10 minutes) I would bet it was a longer acting ketamine derivative -- DCK has been really common, especially around half a decade ago. Unless you have some kind of genetic modulation of how you process ketamine, or had taken something that interferes with its clearance. 140+ mg definitely can be quite a harrowing reset. I usually only took around 40-100mg (intranasally). Though I did k hole several times with well over 140mg. Sometimes 400mg in a sitting, but over the course of a few hours, certainly not all at once. 70-100mg is a nice dose for insight, without quite the craziness and potential danger of k holing (140-200+ mg) -- though you still need to lie down... after a significant amount of the stuff absorbs of course (for >2-5 minutes or as long as is safe) while sitting up first with head angled slightly forward or straight (if head is angled back, it drips to your stomach real quick). Before I got into spirituality, the k hole was completely different to how it presents now. It was like an alien astral projection world with divine entities then, but now (as of a year ago) it's completely indescribable -- infinite; timeless.

Maybe all of the thoughts I share here are going to be awkward in some way for me to reveal though I want to share them so that I can make the tiniest impact on cultures memetic gene pool so that its creative nervous system maintains its health, in saying that in the interests of the "host" I am aware of course that some of my thoughts will be "rejected" by a cells "anti-virus" system haha. First thought - Aliens and sexuality: Sometimes I imagine a female alien species to have sexual thoughts about from a planet brought about by particular laws that don't conflict with my own belief system so I can override my own conditioned responses to sex. I can imagine all varieties permutations reflective and not reflective of human characteristics, though much more than enough human symmetry. I have also imagined being sexual with not even bodily forms but simply energies, including imagining the sexual energy of the universe say. Today for example I imagined that she came from a planet that arose out of a "pure pleasure principle" meaning their natural selection process only reinforces pleasure giving and pleasure receiving. This principle is reflected in the entirety of the origins of all species, landscapes and environments on the planet itself. This makes it easier for me to imagine "infinite pleasure giving" and the enjoyment of giving and receiving to this end rather than allowing the superimposed limits of what I've experienced from other humans. Don't get me wrong, I've had amazing experiences, however our brains tend to limit ourselves based on our "best" experiences, so I wonder about the limits beyond that while recognising the drawbacks if such an imagination isn't treated with intelligence with respect to how I can apply it to my real life. I guess by now you can only imagine the kinds of limits this would enable me to surpass with respect to developing unique knowledge as it concerns subjectivity and honing my intersubjective interpersonal lens on not just sexual experiences but all relationships to sexuality, including the various aesthetics of emotionality and energy That's it for now. I don't watch porn, I barely watch any form of video for the most part, its not as stimulating as I need it to be and nothing can compare outside of the genuine human experience of anything that isn't my own imagination or connecting with the imagination of another. This is just a tester. My writing is pretty lax today, I guess I'm still recovering from sleep deprivation. This is as bad as it'll get really. I'll create a certain way I compose these and reflect that determined sophistication repeatedly.

@zurew My belief is attraction is an inherent biological drive so that people can procreate. The desires that get passed on are the desires that are the norm. Desires that don't lead to copulation are mutations that typically get selected out of the gene pool. Desires that keep appearing in some way are consistent mutations that must serve some evolutionary function. We understand how attraction works and it comes from evolutionary process. What we don't know is why we evolve and why we want to procreate and make more of ourselves. That's an alien force that governs all human and animal actions beyond us and perhaps beyond our comprehension. People can call it god or whatever but it exists and it's why we are what we are.

@Leo Gura Trying to lift more than your body is ready for can easily result in a physical injury. When you did the mushrooms you were a sapling compared to what you've become. 5MEO is just about the heaviest weight the mind can lift, so I doubt the mushroom trip would be so disturbing this time around. That said, the trip protocol I described is phenomenologically absurd in scale. It seems like a different dimension of experience altogether compared to 5MEO. I can very much see why some people believe mushrooms are "alien beacons". I still definitely recommend it. It will probably cause you to re-examine your views regarding psilocybin's potential as a spiritual tool. I think one thing it is very good at is scanning your body / mind to see what you need and what you're ready for. And then it will show you. You may be ready for quite a lot. My reaction to the protocol was also "Holy Fuck!". Not so much "Holy fuck it's crazy what consciousness is capable of". but more like: "Holy fuck, God is real". And I don't simply mean the universal consciousness made out of the infinite energy of pure unconditional love It is certainly that, but it also, unbelievably, encompasses the religious concept of God to an unsettling degree. For instance, it becomes immediately obvious why churches, stained glass, depictions of angels and souls and all of the ecclesiastical paraphernalia looks the way it does. Originally it was designed from memory. It's a visual transcription of the mushroom world / the realm of God's imagination in process. This may be unique to mushrooms, and it's something very much worth seeing / becoming (in my opinion. I'm not sure it's any less profound than 5MEO, but it is a very different aspect of God, a very different flavour. Psilocybin therapy is beginning to really take off around the world, and there is a growing interest in this tryptamine specifically in people from all walks of life. If you did a new video on a heroic dose of psilocybin as per the ICL protocol, I think there would be a pretty large influx of people interested in your work, associated opportunities etc. More than you'd expect. Will probably become your most viewed video. For what it's worth. Here is the ICL playlist I used. Go do it...! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2mT6LpOU4ipJ0BkoCigAiw

I think the most obvious chemical to experience such “alien” states is psilocybin. I really, really recommend a 5-6 gram dose, blindfolded, wearing headphones and listening to the ICL Psilocybin playlist. I wouldn’t scrimp on the dose even if you consider yourself to have low tolerance. The addition of music has some very profound effects which may well give you the totally alien experience you’re after. Not God consciousness as such - more like profoundly deep soul consciousness. An absolutely fascinating state which I think may help to put 5MEO-style God consciousness into an even deeper context and allow fuller integration. The ICL-selected tracks were included and ordered so as to maximise the emotional impact of the journey, with different tracks coming along at what feels like exactly the right time. It’s mindblowing. You will completely forget you were / are human if you follow the protocol, don’t open your eyes, etc. The difference between being blindfolded + playlist or just taking 5g eyes-open and “chilling” is probably pretty similar to the difference between lighting a scented candle versus being hurled into the sun. Since it takes you so completely into the moment, into the infinite Y axis, the downside is it will feel like madness for the last couple of hours as you experience thought loops (the X axis, or “time” coming back online) and the shifting between two worlds (“heaven” and “Earth”). But you can leave notes to calm you down and remind yourself that you’ve taken a drug and the feelings of madness will pass. Cannot recommend this experience enough. I would be very interested to hear if you consider it to be more / less profound than your breakthrough experiences with 5MEO.

I see what you mean. from my experience with the Ketamine: after a certain dose, it becomes really alien/extraterrestrial. But it goes through phases. Total annihilation of form - Complete erasing of consciousness - reboot - new tier/dimension of consciousness. Now I did take a huge amount (for me atleast) Insufflated 220mg S-isomer K. It was absolute hell to go through. But it was by far one of the most valuable trips I have gone through. It gave such a “grounded” feeling. I felt like a new solid ground got rebuild for exploring completely new territories. But really understand what you mean. Its a bit risky, and can be taxing on your health. Had a rough time breathing through the nose for 2 weeks.

I'm not really interested in chemicals to access total formlessness. I'm more interested in totally alien states of consciousness which I have as yet not encountered. But I also have to be careful that accessing these states doesn't come with too much risk. For example I would like to experience what datura can do, but it's too dangerous IMO.