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About Mjolnir

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  1. Hello, I was wondering if anyone could point me towards some resources in regards to the following: I'm trying to figure out if i have some unconscious behavior where I try to not feel, or in some cases stop myself from feeling, to protect myself from being hurt. I'm a deeply emphatic person and whenever situations come up where someone feels deep sadness or hurt for example I deeply feel for them sometimes tearing up as well. Whenever this happens I notice I move towards stopping behavior and go to a "not feel" state. I used to be bullied as a kid and maybe this is a defense mechanism from back then. I also notice that whenever I feel slightly cheerful or had particular joy I get fearful of some bad thing happening and move to that "not feel" state, or like a "prepared" for something state. Curious if anyone knows something!
  2. @jake473 Hey thanks for responding and sorry for the late response back. I haven't checked into the forum for a while, but I'm glad I did. Happy to hear you're on a road back and massive props to making it such a commitment. Thanks for the resources and the new angles I can tackle my situation from! I've had a very sedentary lifestyle ever since my early teen years. I did some exercise here and there, actually running as well (which I eventually quit because I kept getting calf issues). The issues became noticeable literally from one moment to the other and developed after that. I've had horrible posture basically always and to add that to the sedentary lifestyle was probably the origins. I currently work a VERY active job but whenever I'm free I'm basically behind a computer. I've had many examinations of my body to find the problems and basically two things came out of it: one was lack of abdominal strength and the other was the fascia. I did get some tips at the time but couldn't really follow them up since it involved the gym which was closed at that time due to the corona. I'm currently working on the ab strength which is a slow process and tbh I have no idea what I'm doing. The fascia thing, I have no idea where to start. I haven't found anything that noticeably made a difference in the symptoms so it's just doing stuff in hopes of noticing an effect at some point. I think I remember the PT telling me to basically need full body stretches but again, no idea where to start. Hearing your process is scary to me as you seem to go focused and deep into the exercises. I find it incredibly difficult to notice what I'm doing during the exercises. I don't have a clue whether or not I'm doing them correctly, which muscles I use, I don't really feel them and I often notice other issues after the exercises. I'm so unaware of what's going on in and with my body that I don't notice what I'm doing. So being this precise and aware seems kinda alien to me. Cheers, thanks a lot and keep going!
  3. @JonasVE12 Hey thanks a fuck ton a lot for those messages. I read them initially a day or two after your response and it did hit a sensitive point. I did refrain from responding as it might've been a slight motivation that made it seem like I'd do something, so I waited. My initial idea was "i need to go to the gym again", but I felt resistant to that idea and wasn't willing to do this. However, I remembered how I was able to do a 1+ year of meditation of daily habit by just tracking it in an excel document. Just a simple date, total time and finishing time. It worked very well for me (I stopped because I got such bad posture issues that I couldn't do it just sitting anymore). So I started doing just simple beginner ab workouts I got from physical therapist and I've done them daily now for almost three weeks. Today I added a simple kettlebell thing, again very low level, but the idea is to do it consistently and build upon this. So yeah, thanks for inspiring, I went from not doing any exercise or at most 2 a week to doing them daily for almost three weeks now. I hope to build upon this but I'm more-so focusing on doing the thing that the results. @Batman Thank you very much for your response. I guess my idea for the self-image thing was not to "be a certain way/someone" but more-so trying to find a way to do the thing that I wasn't doing and could potentially improve my life a lot. I find it difficult to fully comprehend the ideas you're trying to explain, maybe because I'm not ready for going that deep yet? I appreciate your answer though and it's very thought provoking!
  4. @JonasVE12 Thanks for your response! I'm not necessarily shying away from effort, I don't mind the effort mostly, but I think for me it's mostly the unwillingness to take the step of starting. Let me explain my situation briefly so maybe it's more clear what I mean: I've had some physical issues for a number of years now (if interested, check my previous posts). I've been told by different physical therapists what they think is the cause and how I could help solve it. This involves strengthening my ab muscles, glutes, and stretching some tension areas to just name some. These could POTENTIALLY fix the issues I have, but it's not sure. It'd most definitely help to do regardless, but it's not certain. Doing these exercises takes time for results, like months probably, and if they'd solve the issue and give the results I assume they might do, it'd improve my life tremendously. The problem I have is that I have zero drive to do these exercises. I feel like I have to willpower my way to do these things. I do some light stuff at home abt 2 or 3 times per week, once I start I commit to the exercises, but the starting is the big step. Also I don't feel like I get anything out of the exercises, it's just a give and no takes, so to say. My thought was maybe I can sort of create a self-image like "I do whatever it takes to solve the issues" as I've only tried to whiteknuckle my way in the past without results. I read that people try to change things but don't change the way they see themselves and thus fallback to their sort of "thermostat setpoint". And thus the idea. When I read the part of how discipline, committed and focused action I got a bit confused. Because when you ready the part above and then think I have to be disciplined and committed about this, I understand that as it'll be another word for willpower my way until it sticks. As the thing I mentioned above is something I don't really want to do, but sort of "have to" because it would potentially solve these issues. I don't know, I feel sort of mind fucked here I'm mentally going in circles about this. (just a thought:) Like, let's say I have a goal. To get to that goal it requires some sort of effort to reach. To make it mentally worth to go after the goal it'd have to mean something to you in some way. Make it worth the effort. I guess that'd require you to be able to image as though the goal is achieved and how that would make you feel. And thus fueling you to get to your goal through discipline, committed and focused action. My (limiting) belief here is that, ( I think but not sure that) due to the physical stuff I haven't been able to physically experience those feelings that'd make it feel as though it'd be worth putting in the effort for the result, to reach the goal. Actually, my belief is that, once the physical shit is solved, then it'd actually be able to physically feel those feelings. (And so, could I inhibit some kind of belief, value or self-image that'd make it so that there would no world in which I wouldn't do x,y or z). Anyways, hope that all makes even remotely sense lol. Have a good one!
  5. @hyruga I hadn't made the link to law of attraction because I thought it was more goal oriented rather than shifting your identity, but I guess it'd be similar. Thanks for the tip. So let's say I'm a couch potato and want to start exercising. Tried many times, basically going on willpower, but eventually just stopping few weeks in. I guess you'd have to change your self-image to be able to stick with it? Like, if you'd define yourself like "I'm a gym nut" no way you're going to be a couch potato right? Or maybe even "I'm someone that sticks to their goals and gets them no matter what". (I guess there's many ways to define yourself that'd be beneficial) So then the idea would be to visualize the way you'd be if you were a gym nut? Visualizing going to the gym, loving it, feeling great doing stuff. Seeing yourself with the cloths you'd want to wear, going places you'd go and experiences you'd have etc.? Fully experiencing as though it's already true?
  6. Hey I recently started reading Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It's about changing your self-image which I guess is the same as your Identity. I find this very interesting for making change, as I've repeatedly tried to for example get into exercising, but eventually stop after a few weeks. Same with being more healthy, trying to learn a new skill etc. The concept of being able to (re)invent yourself is very interesting to me as it'd be way more exciting if you can play a conscious part in shaping yourself into the person you'd wish to be. Besides that, I really want to change some life circumstances but find myself repeatedly slacking/stopping. I'd assume I could change that with changing my self-image so to say. I have a couple of questions and I hope anyone could help me with these: So far (abt 100 pages in) I guess the book is mostly about visualization, trying to feed your brain with experiences (real or imagined) to create a different self-image and thus create new results in your life. Does it matter whether I visualize as though I'm looking through my own eyes vs. seeing myself from like outside of myself. Also, how important is feeling in this process? My currently difficulty is in actually experiencing the feelings and so the visualizations are just thoughts linked to the self-image i'd like to create but without for example being able to feel what it'd be like to actually life it. Are there other ways for changing the self-image besides visualizations? How do beliefs and values tie into the self-image? Are they a result of a changed self-image or do they sort-of work together. Do you know any other resources I can get into besides the book psycho-cybernetics? Cheers
  7. @jake473 Hey sorry for the late response, I haven't checked for a while now. I'm 27 now, I think the physical stuff started around 20-ish maybe 21? Well, I've had one evening maybe a year or two into all the problems where my pelvic floor just relaxed after some diaphragm breathing. It was like a lot of pressure was just gone, it felt light, calm and relaxed. The muscles just released, like you flex a muscle for a very long time and then finally release it. I recently spoke with someone on this forum who mentioned something along the lines of the energy moving freely in a healthy circumstance. But maybe due to the muscle tightness (basically flexing the pelvic floor muscles chronically) that energy isn't able to go freely. But then again, I can feel the feelings of dread or anxiety for example in my belly so I don't understand why a pleasant feeling wouldn't be possible. Could you elaborate on your issues, how you experienced it and what you did to change it? Thanks for your reply and have a good day!
  8. I guess I'll post here from time to time. To clarify thought, possibly spark idea's, and maybe get someone clues. I've long been searching for a reason why I don't physically feel those good feelings. I'm talking about passion, joy, excitement, interest, drive etc. Those feel-not-so-good feelings I do experience. That belly feeling when I get anxious for example. Or energy when I get angry, like I want to throw something or kick something. That feeling when I get a big shock, knee weak arms spaghetti... you get the idea. But I can't recall moments where those feelings that felt good were in my body. The energy, like those feel-not-so-good feelings but than that feel-good equivalent of that. I'd like to add that, I can notice when things happen in life, like I feel a physical response, one that I can't override mentally so to say. So say a bad phone call, I can feel sick in my stomach. It's there, it just happens. There is nothing I need to do, it occurs. Same with frustration, or maybe anger, fear, worry. Sometimes those feelings just exist all of a sudden. But the feel-good equivalent just doesn't appear. Nothing like "hey I felt cheerful for a sec" or "I had this feeling of enthusiasm or passion for a bit". Just non existent. The mindset is good though, no depression, sadness, anger, frustration, no negative beliefs about feelings/emotions. I can laugh, but it doesn't give a physical feeling. Calm person, aware of my thoughts, they're not in any way I'd guess could prevent the feel-good feelings. Positive, hopeful and endless possibilities type of outlook on life. Done many out-of-the-comfortzone things but haven't made a change in my physical feelings. Went on vacation, walked on burning coals, jumped, cheered and hugged with people. Cold showers, cryochamber, tried pot cookie, breathing exercises. Changed diet, exercise, computer habits. Visualization and affirmations. Meditation habit, tried gratitude, saying more nice things to people. But all no change in how I felt. Currently in a state of light frustration. I linked a high probability that these feelings-issues I have are connected to tight pelvic floor issues. Not sure whether or not it's true, as I haven't resolved the pelvic floor issues. In fact, I wish to, rather yesterday than today. But I haven't found what worked yet. And everything costs major energy and commitment, think months of daily exercises or stretches, but without certainty that it's the solution. It's all major energy investment, but there is no return, only potentially some return in a far future. No feel good for spending the energy. It's only investing without a return. No motivation, desire or drive to do the exercises, just a "should do". I don't know, sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm doing something wrong. Do I really not experience those feelings, or are they maybe there but extremely subtle? Do I do something mentally, like a habit, that makes me experience life the way I am? I don't know. cheers
  9. Hey I went to the physical therapist who told me the issue was my abdominal muscles, or lack thereof so to say. I got some very low-level exercises to to work with. Apparently I lock up my lower back as a form of stability, which is definitely noticeable with the easiest of ab-exercises. So I now have to work on some exercises to build up the strength so my abs can eventually take over the stability when necessary. @Thought Art Thank you for the suggestion. What is qigong? I have never heard of it. I'll google around to see some of the exercises. I'm hesitant to buy new books as the unread stack keeps growing @puporing Nope no trauma or repetitive strain as far as I remember. Although I've had minor issues althroughout my life. @Ry4n Hey thanks for your suggestions. Physio said no specific problems other than that the lower back takes the hit for all the stability that is necessary. Ab muscles are very, very weak and thus I have to exercise those.
  10. Hey everyone, I recently started exercising but I notice that my lower back is an absolute weak point. I have to be very careful because it may start hurting or I do exercises the wrong way and use my back when I shouldn't or overcompensate with it. I want to fix this badly as I think it may also be a contributor to the pelvic floor issues I've had for many years now. Whenever I search the internet it's inevitable to stumble upon the anterior pelvic tilt thing. From all of the physical therapists I've had none told me it was the case for me. I do however have very tight hamstrings and whenever I do the stretch called Downward Facing Dog and the hamstring exercise called Seated Leg Curl I do feel a burning sensation in my butt, this is a different sensation than you'd get when exercising certain muscles. Also whenever I do the stretch called Cat/Cow Stretch my back/pelvis start shaking whenever I get in Cat part of the stretch (so basically whenever the pelvis is posteriorly tilted). Doing this exercise feels comforting for my back whenever I hold it a bit in that position. Also, I'd like to add that I've been sitting behind a desk for a very big part of my life, both hobby and study. I had/have the worst posture doing so and the pelvic floor issues started when I was sitting behind a desk 40h per week during study internship and went home to do exactly the same. My lower back has been a weak point for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure what the best approach is as I really want to solve this pelvic floor issue and also like to improve how I can perform in the gym. This back thing is holding my back with many exercises and somewhat in life as well I guess. But idk how I should go about this, focus on the back specifically, is it the hamstrings is it something else. Hopefully someone can help! Have a good day and thanks!
  11. Hello I was listening to this video on YouTube which made me think (i time stamped it): In the video the guy says something along the lines of "purpose is basically you making up in your mind that something is important and then doing it because you feel it's important". I'd be interested to know if that's accurate, and then, would fulfillment be the feeling you could get from doing the activity or progressing in a way towards that which you deem important? If the statement about purpose basically being something you find important is true, then I would like to discus something else as well. It's a habit (I think) in my thinking that sort-of removes the level of importance of those thoughts. Let's say I get an idea like "hey I'd like to learn spanish", i'd get into a either one of these ways of thinking: Hmm, I just create that idea that I find this important. It's not inherently important, I can live without. In fact, I just made up that this is something important and I could just change it if I want to. Basically standing several levels back from those initial thoughts. Like an observing mode Or I'll think, hmm... will this create the fulfillment I'm looking for or will I just end up feeling like I feel right now only with a new language under my belt? I guess mainly the thing is, that I learned that all thoughts are just thoughts, and they are made up. And being so conscious about this, I feel like is in a way also hindering in enjoying or starting new things. It'd be interesting to see if anyone recognizes this and maybe can elaborate or maybe knows how to counter this. Maybe you know how I can research this some more. Thanks cheers!
  12. Hello, Over the past weeks I've grown to learn that I'm very much living from my head. I've posted numerous questions on this forum regarding "feeling", where I was searching for the ability to feel and experience feelings. The last few weeks multiple things started to click and I realized that if I had to point to where I was experiencing my life from, I'd point to my head. Constantly thinking, analyzing, rationalizing etc. Luckily the past 6-or-so-years I had the ability start the personal development journey, and only just now recently realized that I unknowingly trained my quality of thinking. The ability to recognize limiting beliefs, thought patterns, behavior, comments, words, and I got to improve in those. Throughout the years I was constantly listening to different things on Youtube, podcasts, I did a course or two, and dabbled in some habits/skills but never had those life changing things you keep hearing everywhere, atleast they weren't obvious. But I'm happy that I now realize that I slowly shaped my quality of thinking and got to develop that part of me. I used the ability to stay in my head as a defense mechanism when I got bullied as a kid. But it stuck when the bullying stopped. In retrospect it grew to be very handy, as numerous different physical issues had a big impact on my life. The fact that I could stay in my head meant I could keep a distance and be less affected and sort-of continue to live a life. The defense mechanism has served it's purpose, is a valuable skill that could come in handy but it's time to put something else to the foreground. Now I'd like to learn how to "get into my body", the ability to experience the sensations, feel my heart, feel feelings and start to live from my feeling body, rather than my head. I'm curious if anyone has any ideas on what I could do to develop this. I used to have a meditation practice but looking back that was centered around my thoughts and thinking and observing. What I'm currently doing is right before I sleep I just lay down and try to do a sort of body scan. Where I try to feel different areas. I notice I move to for example my legs or belly occasionally , but I shift back to my head on automatic mode. I like the exercise and it's effortless so Ill keep doing it. But I'm curious if anyone has other suggestions, are there certain exercises or what not that I could do? Is this a common thing you see around? Thanks, have a good day! Cheers
  13. Hello, I'm currently doing the value assessment pass 3, where you go through the list of the master values and figure out "which of these values is most meaningful and would make me most fulfilled to embody"? I'm not sure if I understand this exercise correctly. Are you supposed to pick the values which are most meaningful to you today right now, or which ones you think you want/need in the future? Hope anyone can help clarify, Thanks and cheers!
  14. Hey, thanks for you response! 1) I feel passionate when I hear music that hits me the right way. All the music I like work in different ways for me, some are special, require the right setting or moment. Others can be played any time or when I feel the need for that type of genre or song. I listen daily, but don't overindulge. The special ones I listen to rarely, so they don't loose their magic. Sometimes I get inspired by seeing a movie, reading a book or listening to someone. I think it boils down to when it's about a way of life, or someone that's admirable or jumps out to me for different reasons. Sometimes they make me think "hey, let me go and do this as well, or something similar" but the next day it may be something I'm not be interested in at all anymore. 2) When I look back at my childhood I think about it sort of neutral. I remember some fun things, the laughs and the joy and excitement about events coming up or games we used to play. I used to also get bullied as a kid (being kinda chubby), something I obviously didn't like at the time. I remember at a certain point saying "you can say whatever you want to me, it doesn't do anything anymore". Looking back at these moments where I got bullied or attacked, i can't even associate with it really, I don't really crawl into my skin at the time, but moreso think of it as how I'm now. There aren't specific memories that make feel bad or good from childhood really. They aren't a state-changer so to say. My association with my childhood, challenges and experiences in life, I don't resent any of it, because it also got me to where I'm at now mentally. I see them more as opportunities in a sense, or things that help me shape myself and grow. The whole "safe-enough" type of thing I learned over the last year, is something I think I can work on. My levels of expression, like even singing in the car alone (which I didn't do), I'd feel like "what if people would see me". Being joyful, or happy, or some sort of expression of good feelings, would seem like it'd trigger a "wtf" or a question for the reason of it to the people around me. Basically, it's an association with doing something weird for me (I know this could be a big reason ^^) My upbringing was good, parents were very present, healthy relationships and behavior I'd say. They are very rational though (and so am I now as well lol), and I remember that for example anger didn't really have a place. Being silly or weird would often either jokingly or seriously be followed with a "act normal" type of thing. The emotional experiences I'm looking for today I didn't see much as I grew up, humor had/has a big place and there was a bit of expression with music in terms of a bit of singing or whistling to the music. Last two are very important to me as well, although I don't whistle or sing much . Overall, reserved, rational, calm, "living from the head" and... "normal" (define normal huh...). 3) I'd say I'm very aware of my negative emotions, and most of the time I'm not associated with them. I feel and experience them, but I can notice them, observe them and figure out why do I feel this way, what caused them. I don't act upon those feelings, although I might respond more sharply or annoyed at times. I deal with them by distraction (for example on the pc), listening to music, eating, maybe try to play some guitar. Waiting or trying to gather more information. I tend to turn to myself though, be alone. 4) I'll try my best to explain this pelvic floor thing (TMI incoming :D). Around 6-7 years ago I started all of a sudden have really high need to go pee. I'd go and get back to my desk and sit down. Almost immediately I had about the same intensity of needing to go again. I'd easily go +12x at work alone. It'd feel as though it'd already run down my legs, and I did my hardest to hold it in. (imagine drinking A LOT and driving in a car over speed bumps while you desperately need to go) This turned into also feeling sick in my stomach, like I'd carry a plastic bag in my backpack because I felt like I could maybe vomit at some point. It'd basically control my life in a way, I didn't want to go out, go to the city, store, friends places, new places etc. I liked having a toilet near. I'd sit at home, I finished my first studies somehow and quit about two or three months into my new one. Sat at home trying to wait or find a way until it was resolved. Eventually after many doctors visits, even a surgery where they checked on stuff, lots of tests and what not, it turned out to "pelvic floor hypertension" or something, I think. I had to go to pelvic floor physical therapy, got some exercises but it never resolved completely. However, one day I was doing some breathing exercise and for some reason everything felt to relax. I explain this as imagine having your shoulders up your ears for years and all of a sudden they relax back in their normal position. I felt freedom in my belly, relaxed muscles in my legs, pelvic floor, belly, like I wasn't trying to hold my pee again. I remember thinking "oh, now this feels more easy and how it's supposed to". Well, when I eventually went to bed and woke up, it was all back like it was those 6-7 years and I haven't been able to replicate it. Tried all the exercises, many different physical therapies and what not. But got that same release or close to it. Nowadays I have the symptoms under control, their intensity is like 20-30% of what it was. I know all the signals aren't as desperate as they seem, many of them increased by my focus and worry on them and I stopped doing that. I go and do whatever I want. I can work full time and when symptoms flare up I manage them. The reason I think this thing might be associated to my question about emotions is this random thought: Maybe those positive emotions don't have the freedom to roam my body as there might be a lock of muscles somewhere. Maybe there is this physical thing that makes it difficult or "impossible" to experience those physical sensations due to the tension there. I like to say that all throughout those 6-7 years my focus was on resolving this issue. No victim mentality at all, just something I wanted to solve. It even brought to self development, learned sooooo much and exposed myself to so many new things and ways of thinking. It's sort of a blessing in a curse, or whatever the saying is. Another bible verse, but I hope this clears up your questions and if you want to know more please let me know Have a nice day!
  15. I really appreciate all of you responding (and mindfucking me into oblivion lol). I'd like to say something, not as an attack but in conveying my thoughts. Please, I don't try to sound like an ass here I notice I feel a bit frustrated as I try to convey my experience to you all. I'm trying to find the words to describe this experience in which I use words I hope portray the best picture to you. But I notice that some of those words are taking very literal, like "i experience lack" for example. To me it feels as if those words jump out here and fade out the rest of the story. I'm aware of the power of words and what they can actually tell, but right now it's as if I wasn't able to convey my experience in the right way. I say for example "I experience a lack of..." in a descriptive way, hoping to explain in a way that could be understood, rather than saying my actual feelings about this (I don't have a feeling of lack. Like: the bowl of cat food seems to be empty). I don't know if I shouldve even typed this, as I can go meta on everything I say and pinpoint things that jump out to myself. The reason I come here with this question is that I'd like to be able to use my emotions to change life circumstances. Thus far it hasn't worked in the way I'd like to, as if I'm running solely on willpower. When I try to dig deeper, I try to look at my emotions. Interests, sensations in body (what feels good what do I want more of), and I notice that it feels indifferent, besides when there's for example some piece of bad news. ("negative" emotions, the ones we like to feel less of. I know theres no good/bad thing about emotions, it's basically a message for you). Basically: I'd like to feel those feelings in my body, which could help me guide my life.