Heart (emotional self awareness) - Freestyle/No Theory (Closed Journal)

[ll Ontology ll]

I spend so much time building my mind. I don’t want to be cognitive here for a long time, like those two weeks to month as I was saying about those models. Let’s get cracking, the heart doesn’t need any preparation it just goes for it.

——————————————————-

In a tropical thunder storm I see the black panther moving down the man made path. I can feel the bellowing cat growl underneath it’s breath to communicate a sense of seriousness but not to frighten. She is black, strong and fully grown. She does not care about the pounding rain thundering over her, she is used to this, she has been here all before. The rain pours and pours and pours and she makes slow movements down the path and through a garden archway where on the other side their is pure bright light shining through that juxtaposes the muddy rain and pouring thunder bolts that would awaken any neighbourhood.

She slips to the left of the archway out of view and then when the view returns of her she is laying on the ground crying out in lain. I place my hand on her heart and I can feel her trouble inside. She cries and cries and cries inside and she does not know what to say other than “help”. Help towards the healing of the heart, sow everything and make it feel right inside.

Something was banished, a long time ago, though it lingers there, waiting to be noticed and seen. Felt and touched. Touched through song, touched with heart of hearts, felt through the vines that connect the heart with the rest of the universe. This is an explosion and it is an explosion from the heart, the end of its rays the final and whole embrace of the universe and all that can come to light. “From this darkness”, the panther can be heard exclaiming from underneath its weakened grows. “From this darkness”. The panther focuses on the piercing light, light symbolic no doubt of the love that it knows is trying to pierce from the inside to out from the outside to in. The thundering rain and the muddy water begin to part. Life. New start. Love.

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

I realise what's happening to me now.

I'm starting to develop a personal relationship with spoken about intrinsic self, something that I've felt my whole life was estranged from me. Even as I say this I can feel the involuntary response to hold back the tears that reveal the distance my familial environment created within me when I was younger.

If I have felt lost it is because my family unknowingly put me at odds with myself growing up. I feel this is why I have always felt so close to my younger sister growing up. Because she looked up to me and I loved protect her. Without her I may have lost my self forever. The vine would have been cut between the dock and the ship without an anchor and I would have found myself lost out at sea without an engine of life's experiences to bring me back to shore. Again, in the public space I am I hold back the tears, the fears rise up in my consciousness like the water levels of a warship that has been hit by an enemy submarine and is slowly sinking with the sailors in the bottom levels trying to find there way up to deck locked in an area where the water has nearly encapsulated the breathable air.

I am shocked in this moment in the realisation that I have kept so much in, like a champaigne bottle that has alcohol continuously poured into it in the bottle I can feel the cork of mine trying and trying to burst off the top but the strength of my consciousness "holds everything together" amidst my chattering surroundings of people talking about their day, oblivious of the rising water levels in the ship we're all a part of this slowly sinking to the bottom.

To the bottom...

To the bottom...

To the bottom...

I feel like before now that's what's been happening without my knowing. My last breath was already taken and I have already suffocated on my last breath, lungs exploded... Heart, missing it's last beat and into a world where I no longer exist and I am just a vase on a kitchen table for my mother to put roses in with water only to watch them die and then to repeat the sequence every two weeks. "Mum I am sitting on the table right here why can't you hear me! Why can't you see me! What is with these fucking roses ?!"

The strength of my consciousness remains the cork on this champaigne bottle holding tight, bubbles starting to go down.

I'm floating, with no one around in one frame and then in a parallel reality I can see the rest of my siblings, my mother and father in a falling motion but sinking down to the bottom of the sea with me. So slowly. And then in another parallel reality, another frame, it is just me and my mother except I am the one falling and she is the one already fallen. And she is a ghost. Haunting in one sense and then in another compassionate but oblivious to what is inside my body, only truly seeing my body and not what lives behind my eyes.

"Why can't you see what lives behind my eyes!"

The cork pops out...

The vase is flown across the other side of the room only to smash against the wall as she swipes it across the table in a rage. Her distance... Rage... Love...

(I am okay, just releasing it all... We've all done that... Do that... Rise back up to the surface to live life again, where and how we can... )

[ll Ontology ll]

Life is so amazing, I feel so many new things surfacing in me that are only new for they’ve only been dormant or excluded as my consciousness decided that it could not handle those aspects of myself at the time.

I have no interest in superficial relationships or really just anyone on this planet with any superficial or shallow leaning whatsoever. So if your knees give out, it’s a pre-emotive push over-board without even walking the plank and just letting that alternate world of a relationship sink to the bottom of the ocean.

These people don’t have the level of feeling required, they don’t have the level of intuition and depth of cognition required (not just intelligence) to see beyond the veil of you. It feels like they’re always chasing something illusory, going from flirtation to infatuation to stalemate and back again over and over on some treadmill they don’t even know they’re on. And most of all the people in their life have just let them go on their merry way doing this over and over perhaps hoping in the back of their mind that it would one day end and they would mature to a new level outside of the inevitable settling they have to do because now people other than the guy from a homeless shelter or equivalent wants to go merry go round with walk-about that leads no where.

I feel like I’m finally able to feel myself that I ostracised to cope with my early life experiences. That would appear in relationships on the surface of things but would never develop into a fully fledged self that could bare the heat of the heart in its full.

These are the kind of people that I want to get to know the depth of, these are the kinds of beings that I want to take the time to see all the architectures of their being so that their resolution informs my resolution continuously, to continue this unfoldment of life in its advancement, developing the interconnection of consciousness. 

It’s as if people that are opposite here are faceless, nameless actors of life, that paint on a blank canvas literally every day of life never taking the time to BE the Mona Lisa, which is why time exists at all. We don’t live life in the way we live it to start the day anew everyday, no we’re meant to learn and grow from the previous day, where a very small part of that is in passing on our knowledge and wisdom to others that are able to experience the depth of love that those inter-reflections came from.

Edited May 3, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

These prison bars, shake with the ferocity of the quiet anger within and while shaking the whole world shakes inside. She looks at me, a prison warden and guard simultaneously, a woman and a woman dressed as a man simultaneously. She shifts back and fourth, who is she really behind the mask that she wears on her shallow sleeve? Why is this shallowness so juxtaposed with the authority that she tries to project onto me? Why is she unable to kneel to the grace of life in her expressions as we all have to bow as we must in this life to develop the wisdom we need to live it well? We cannot just scan the environment and respond based on stimulus and response, pleasure to pain and back again then expect to live a life worth living.

Let me tear away these bars, give me the keys or open the door yourself and let me out. Let me out of the howls I hear in the basement of the prison where you cry yourself to sleep inside, hidden underneath the pleasure and pain release to maintain some sense of life force that enables you to breath the air again another day. Another day, how can we turn this into a timeline that has coherence over the long term, so that your heart no longer weeps for what was lost and is still in part held onto like you drew the shortest straw in a group of all humans to have ever existed therefore you must feel the worst? This holding onto defines this life of pleasure-pain that defines the parameters of this false authoritarian nature that lives through the electrical cables that give life to your heart artificially because it was torn away, stepped on and left out in the rain where you had to put it back inside yourself and imagine a life again for yourself.

How can you imagine life anymore when it was your imagination that betrayed you? Do you not see that this is the depth that I speak of? Do you not see that this is the depth that you have stolen from yourself in the pursuit of making sure that your imagination is no longer properly connected to your soul? Where your heart can continually speak enough that life is able to continually unfold from it in ways that are not possible by following this pleasure-pain shallow life? What soul is there to be saved and why does my soul in part seek to save it and simultaneously seek to save myself from you as well? You cannot handle this energetic divide and you sense it even in my decisive words to the contrary because your intuition runs wild even if you are somewhat disconnected from it too.

Throw away the prison key, I do not need it if you can heal because I know in my heart that this entire prison will dissolve once you see through and only through the truest eye that is you and that is aligned with the truth of life that you wish to wholly and completely be aligned with more than anything else in the life. 

I feel these steel bars, time slows down completely, eyes lock and now there is just the silent moment of time speeding up, cycles continue, worlds come and go, we're still here, until finally one day. The door opens, the sun rises. And it is still, as it has always been the case, that life must go on.

[ll Ontology ll]

Like an ice pick my past conditioned emotional reactions to my own emotions silently sink as deeply as I pull away from their sunlight. A self betrayal, luminescent self-torturing I never knew I was consenting to. Without it though, a self-protection I needed in the face of my mothers taunts I otherwise wouldn't have been able to handle.

My imagination was often an incredible refuge for me in childhood, safety from the invisible handcuffs my mother and then later on my father would put around the functioning of my own heart to my own brain.

Desperate depersonalisation, fragmentation that without cries for help would have stripped me completely from the hands of both my parents at both time intervals. Now I am left to see the debt I have given myself because of this necessary self-betrayal out of survival, an interest that I could not foresee was going to the damage to me it has. 

As these ice sculptures around my heart begin to melt to show the warmth that lives inside on a more pervasive and permanent level, may the freezing of this ice and the longevity of such be as short and as shallow as possible. 

So that I can see the light and not allow the shadows to convince me that the light is not necessary, good, true and foundational to my movement towards actualising in this life. Stab, stab go the ice picks within. Melt, melt. See through.

Edited May 3, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Reading all this back to myself now I realise why I never created a journal like this and why I never truly delved into my heart like this.

Will keep going.

Make a complete shift to the other side. 

[ll Ontology ll]

I feel naked, discordant keys, stripes from a crazed mad man shown bare to the public eye of misunderstanding and here I am... Calm as anything, watching the energy change in my body as I feel the ripple effect of these words find new worlds through the inner landscapes of others dreams to come. 

As we lay ourselves down for anyone to purview, the ability to be arrested on anything that we say arriving from the depths of being relative to our time in the universes history, what is the wisdom, creative and spiritual edge to be taken away from here?

Here I am, taking books from the library inside my heart, my mind trying to steal their pages sometimes so I don't see, sometimes burning books in front of my library while I clasp at what breath of insight they have to give me. For what and for whom? The heart knows best, the heart knows best. It writes and it writes and it writes, beyond the library while remembering too.

We must always listen. 

[ll Ontology ll]

These daggers they still live there, its almost as if they're clothing around my heart, any movement whatsoever and the ice needles stick deeply inside. I listen, I listen. I must not force any word that is not true to the heart I tell myself, I do not even want to direct my heart to feel any emotion whatsoever other than reveal what the truth of its experience is.

What is better than the truth of our experience if its opposite is the exact opposite to the possibility of experience ever even being created? I am solidarity of a flaming heart bursting through the soul busting evil of those tiny sharp ice pick daggers and I have to rely on nothing but my ability to listen. I will not tell my heart to do, for if I begin to try to tell my heart what to feel, how to listen and why, it will not be heard and its gifts will not be revealed. 

To usher these words through continuously I wonder, how much should be said upon each entry, surely I should just focus on allowing every entry to spell out the completion of the hearts endeavour and so to that, I will. I will allow these walls of time to expand out into the far reaches of the universe and allow the hearts soul and the souls heart to fill the expanse without division. This is life without residue, felt in its full devotion, this is how the heart is allowed to grow and blossom without being told what to do.

Because the truest heart is rebellious in nature, it cannot be shackled down it cannot be twisted with words and no matter what it cannot be confined to the false parameters that others try to invent in order to sink its creativity to the bottom of a chasm that only listens to biblical words on repeat until the world goes blind.

The rapture is here, the quiet engine of soul speaking at the end of a warm tongue of youth, these creative linguistics cannot be slowed down by any stretch of the imagination as the heart knows no time, it knows no space and it knows no boundaries. It speaks and then it asks...

For you to listen.. And compose.

Edited May 3, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

To what does the heart now owe my mind though?

This is the fundamental question of my mind in this moment, to what bridge can we create so that we do not have the same divide we have lived with for so long? 

We have not been true or rather I have not been true to them, or they to me in their connection? 

One has not been ready when the other has, to come together in their unity so that my consciousness can have full reign to fully live the human experience beyond the ice picks into the heart of the past, memories in the cells screaming out asking to be heard by the quietest boy in class. 

I am reminded by the first time I was suspended from a school growing up, my main teacher had left for vacation and he didn't tell me which made me immensely upset as I had begun to develop a bond with him, the first male role model I was to develop a bond with outside my father who never understood how difficult it was for me underneath. I was approximately 7 years of age. He left and we were left with a substitute teacher. The recess bell had rung and I had decided to stay in class after everyone had left, I was stone cold. I wouldn't move out of my seat and for whatever reason no body noticed that I had remained in the class I was so quiet and distant from my social environment. After everyone had left I jumped out of my seat and locked myself in the room and began to draw quietly by myself. 20 minutes later the recess bell rung again and it wasn't long before the substitute teacher had arrived and the students were already informing the teacher that they weren't able to enter the class as someone had put something there to block the entrance. 

The substitute after a couple of minutes had worked out that I was in the class after she peeped through the window and saw me drawing, she negotiated with me gently until I opened up the classroom door.

Everything resumed as normal until an announcement rang.

"Michael _____ can you please come to the office please, Michael ____."

Obviously the substitute teacher had alerted the principle while I was concentrating on my work.

I didn't go, the teacher wondered but didn't force me after I exclaimed that I would not be bothered and that I wanted to see Mr. Fisher (my teacher who had gone on holiday).

The principle arrived in about 10 minutes.

After convening with the substitute teacher he had come in front of the table that seated myself and 8 other students and asked me politely to come with him. I refused.

He then asked the other students to exit their seats as I had already exited mine as I prepared for him to come to me so that I could run away. 

The students left the area, he attempted to go one way but then I darted the other way.

He jumped onto the table and confused like a wolf I darted this way and that way before he grabbed me and carted me to the office.

Flash forward several hours and I am sitting at the top of the long staircase looking down on my mother speaking to the principle to negotiate with him about what was going to happen, I heard her speak of expulsion but she managed to bring it down to a suspension. She never punished me that I remember and I never went back to this school.

I never saw Mr. Fisher again, my heart still hasn't recovered fully from the pain felt by this 7 year old boy in his absence and then in his complete departure from my life.

[ll Ontology ll]

I'm always in the present moment.

I've never even known what it meant not to be in the present moment.

My heart has just been invisibly frozen without my knowing.

So now I call the angle of resurrection, figuratively speaking, and doesn't this entity now do wonders to me?

I seriously just never realised that people had this other world totally confined by time. 

Don't get me confused with my mentions above, it depends on your perspective in relation to time, there's utility and lack of utility, where it takes from the present moment that's negative utility, where it is a bridge to understanding our relationship with life and our relationships with all of life, everyone and everything in it, that's positive utility.

Maybe I will meet someone who will give me an adequate description of what it means to be "caught in time" outside of my observations of people, where it appears all too obvious but non-descript as my heart won't allow sacrilege against them, I didn't choose this destiny per se after all, it was given to me.

[ll Ontology ll]

This is more of a big deal:

Her potential, it is so bright, the intuition that she has for the universe and the universe that comes through her soul to share what is transmitted to her in her most connected moments. It is only when her mind gets the better of her that she becomes disconnected, an "inner fog of war" as it were, underneath though, there is an unmistakable presence that no one can deny, something that blooms continuously to give the life she breaths to everyone around her in her presence. This is the chaotic ecstasy that lives beyond the darkness when it has sunken her to her "last resort", the passages of time converge and she turns her presence into a weapon of measurement, calculation and whiplash, the payday is only ever short lived, and then the haunting of what she knows she is here to do on this spiritual plane beyond the materialistic presses against her heart, when she listens to it beyond the reaches of the pressures that try to tie her down. This will always be there, and she will learn when she is good and ready, not when someone tells her to including I, when to finally release the grip on herself so that she can truly let herself unfold into the embrace that encompasses earth and the greater universe. Amen. Love. 

[ll Ontology ll]

As long as the following thought experiment is passed:

So let's say you have two exact clones and they both meet each other, if one thinks that the other is superior to the other and they're not able to work through it maturely when potential conflict arises, this wouldn't be able to work either. If it's not pathological, growth is ameliorable and all (as above) is acceptable (with noted processing). 

[ll Ontology ll]

The soft grass, the best sun beams through.

I’m laying on my front lawn in a country town, exasperated, without a thought in the world and my mind is only wondering what to care about.

It makes me realise how important interconnected consciousness is which is what I have been fighting for a long time for, connecting all the pieces back together after my childhood and adolescent estranged fragmentation, dissolved into the consciousness living space of expectation and not being shown a world beyond that other than the world I was told to ignore through the keyhole of life that I have now fully began to open the door to.

Its a beautiful moment staring back at me, to see how disconnected I was and to feel how connected I’m now staring to become. For those in my life and who will be in my life in the future, how can I truly learn to love you in the way you deserve to be loved, truly? To know all of their idiosyncrasies, weaknesses and strengths, to never use it against them, only ever to play the game they need to play when they need to and for everything else the mutual love and respect that comes with life naturally when we understand the continuous four seasons of life, that we don’t need to make negotiation a living winter hell every time. Grass grows and it dies with time, plants come and go but when we’re all here as a consciousness, how can we give ourselves and everyone we love in this magic snow globe of life that was shaken enough times for us to be here, all the love as it ought to be loved? Wisdom turns beyond every cycle, cannot rush it, cannot stall it.

Edited May 3, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Feeling so much more peaceful and content with life, it’s going to be interesting what the end creative point of this all is.

Its an inner relationship I didn’t realise could be developed so greatly but seeing it in others is the solid grounding for this work, something deep down I thought I wasn’t able to achieve.

Life flows now, all experience just washes over me mostly outside necessary intuition, however breakaway however ever present with the solidarity of coexisting with the consistent moment.

Great white sharks are such beautiful creatures. I’m a little like a great white shark in many ways, thought comes into my mind after I brought up my aggression with someone. Though everyone can swim around me and if anyone gets hurt or has the potential of being hurt I’m much more like an orca whale. I’m like a great white shark when I’m alone and when in the company of decent people or just neutrality right I’m like an orca whale.

I feel zero need to try and push myself beyond the natural fluidity of the heart, the heart does all the speaking, all the minding, all the horizon setting and the starting points for all my goals within it. The heart does the striving of course as well so what do we know about the heart versus the mind in terms of who’s more likely to strive further? Who is more likely to show more wisdom? Who is more likely to show more empathy? 

I speak naturally now, all this time I’ve been spending understanding myself cognitively, some of it to no avail and then a lot of it theoretically useful but we’re all just moving down stream. Move down stream… move down stream… don’t live your life trying to swim upstream. Listening good. 

Edited May 3, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

I honestly feel very uncomfortable around certain energies, spiritual beings that have fallen apart so much that they have lost touch with their humanity, their heart has been trapped inside Fort Knox where only the most insane get visitation rights to the most dangerous psychiatric facility on planet earth.

No one reading this think this particular comment is directed at you, it’s not.

I want people to get in touch with themselves their core essence, their hearts, their heart isn’t a joke, it’s the organ that gives them life first and foremost to their body and being and next life beyond our being and into the greater landscapes and possibilities that life has to offer.

There is a solitary dark star in the sky the right feel sometimes some people fixate in too much because they have become overwhelmed by forces that they can only control with darkness and sinking into a void that promises nothing else other than the pain towards either themselves, others or just their selfish gain. The loving force that exists within them needs fo come to light, it needs to extinguish shadows that attempt to overcome their more beautiful nature, a nature that they have to learn to be beyond the pain that was inflicted upon them during a time when they did not yet have the wisdom to manage their histories, paths, choices and ultimately, their reactions.

May the sun, even though the clouds during this time may be continuing to form over them, at least exist in the back of their mind enough that the promise land concerning had it shining through for inevitable embracing of truth and the love that it provides all of us continuously, darkness never created life, it steals it, hides and conceals its unrelenting perpetual force of shining beauty and wonder.

[ll Ontology ll]

Alrighty then, let's get back into the radio-shack.

I'll check back here in an hour or so and see what scenes my consciousness is to create. 

In this work and in the art of living, as I have now learned, there is no "art to live by the mind when the mind is tethered to both the soul and the heart", it is thus the art of living using the mind to live by the heart and soul. The minds job is to differentiate how well on course we are in our alignment with the greater deeds that we have been struck with in the heart of our beings to bring our life force into existence, spirit as we know it and its opposite, all of our experienced misery and thus this course is inseparable from reason. Notice as well, "the heart of our beings", we would never naturally and intuitively jump to the conclusion that such outgrowths of life that put us in spiritual alignment with the greater cause of the universe to be "in the heart of our minds". Is this the negation of "knowing" to any effect, no this is also a misdemeanour on the part of persons so shackled to misinterpretations both regarding the lack of masculine of the heart with respect to the physical as in physical strength and the psychical as in mental power. The limits of these too and most importantly their prerogative at all are necessitated by universal purpose that was too complex for a developing mind to understand in the beginning and so we were all given it in the form of intuition by having it grown in our hearts from the beginning, otherwise, the universe has contempt for our misunderstandings of all the gifts it has already given us to understand our path without our need to "forcefully know", no, know with spirit and you will know to "all your hearts content", a will therefore undefinable by any limit put fourth by an imagination constrained by mental limits themselves. Infinity will thus be found in our hearts first and foremost and only then can we begin to imagine our possibilities in the mental.

You're welcome, see yal in an hour or so, my mother had gypsy in her and my father industriousness, put those two together and you get a little someone like me.

Edited May 4, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Introductory message: If you feel darkness you must not sit in it, all that will happen is you’ll find your centre of gravity and it’ll just get worse and only if your lucky will it fade away. You need to still your consciousness and sink your energy into your heart, this is how you turn on your natural light which has a baseline that can be modulated with time that automatically extinguished darkness as noted in that lucky instance.

You may feel stronger in the darkness only because your pain is too afraid to stay sitting with and in the light, it will consume you and it will consume your entire body and turn you into a wretched Golem that inevitably learns the hard way or you’ll turn into that strange one in that film where she jumps out of peoples television screens and gives them their final fete, I now recall the title of the film but I’ll let you figure it out. Being like this might give you a sense of power that you may be lacking but realise that the power is an illusion and that illusion of power is only there because your heart is waiting for you to wake it up.

Notice the relationship between the personal fears you may experience and the need for power in order to offset the feeling of fear and or pain (which can convert to hate), if this relationship is at all present, to whatever level we can look at it on a spectrum. So sit up straight, pay attention and listen to your teacher and your teacher is not me, it’s your heart and it’s waiting for you to listen consistently, attentively, without distractions and without absence. Listen, sit, process without giving in to temptation, learn and then finally grow with enough practice. Overtime possessing the state and frequency reflective of love will be your hearts go to simply because it is reflective of when the heart is most in balance when it is experiencing this in both times of stress, it’s opposite and where it is your default.

Otherwise in this work you need to stop thinking of your heart as just a physical organ and you need to stop thinking of your emotions as only mental or a part of your biology. Your heart is there to process, store, transmute (naturally and organically), transform and guide your emotions and it grows and degenerates in particular ways relative to how much you are connected to it through your consciousness, for the time being I won’t make any reference to “mind” for the sake of priority here and to not positively reinforce the false western overprioritisation and conditioning of the mind in relation to the heart. The heart is like a limb and your vehicle of communication is in the directionality of your communication between your awareness, consciousness and heart.

There’s developing science here now to prove it, and I’m not getting busy showing you either do it yourself I’m not here to theorise if you recall. To identify whether or not you are in proper connection with your heart you will not only feel it but you will also notice more bodily signs like a changing in breathing and general patterns here with the heart. What do you think this changes at the same time, that’s right it changes our brainwaves too, so what do you think changes if these two are changing simultaneously? Our blood flow, that’s right spot on, now what do you think changes if we keep going down the line of reasoning here? Everything in our body almost, spot on good work. How about behavioural changes? That’s right your awareness will change, what else if your awareness? That’s right your intuition and it’s newly acquired relationship with reason. So if we keep going down the line here what else changes behaviourally? Almost everything behaviourally in some way that’s right good work, your true personality underneath will begin to shine more. Keep it up let me know at some finish line how you went with everything.

Now aren’t you all just sick and tired of me telling you what to do? I am, I just want you to be peaceful and free. Much love aye. Moreover, I only wrote the introductory message as here in just mainly only following my intuition so nothing personal in the share.

One last thing if it’s at all needed as we become more acquainted with the bodies natural healing functions outside “mind” wherever you notice you’re feeling pain after trying this, place your hand in this area in just a calm and protective manner and notice the effect the warmth of your hand and all the life force energy contained within it has on the corresponding part of your body that you’re making contact with.

Here is Bob Marley.

 

Now I’m onto my personal session right as I type these words and linguistically move into it right after the conclusion of this sentence.

I have about a thousand hours of personal work here and I will try to get it done as quickly as possible spending 5 plus hours a day.

Let’s do it:

Right now I can feel and see my heart pumping from the perspective of my heart being an enlarged 3D view with cool graphics, I can see purple and blue contorting veins. When my heart tries to expand and stay in that expanded position it’s like those ice picks I mentioned before stabbing me however today it is more like an electric shock that subdues my authority or more importantly the authority of my heart through the trauma of past pain that doesn’t exist in a memory but the trauma on the heart has associative memories embedded within the cells themselves that they’re showing me upon connection and strengthening the signal slowly and to that end, slow healing and repair through pure meditative naturalisation of communication between as stated consciousness and heart and the awareness on the signal and connection that can be illuminated through this grace.

As I focus on the imagination of the heart I can see projections being formed like a projector screen shooting outwards from the heart. My intuition is saying that there are thousands upon thousands of visuals that are embedded however in this moment I see my mother screaming at me, “You never so the lawns!”, “Get out I never want to see you again!”, “You want to go to your fathers, then GO! Go to your fathers”, I now see myself cuddling up with my beautiful Maltese terrier of whom I was the proud pet owner of for about 18 years. I now see my father outside my front window with the lawn mower and I have a feeling of guilt that he wad very good at implanting in me when I never did what he asked. I recall one of my elder sisters always successfully getting me into trouble by aggravating me by day calling me names then I would call her “A fat bitch” or something to this effect and that would result in my father then telling me off then blaming me for the whole fight. This left a mark on me because my father literally never really developed any self awareness in this area with respect to the games my sister played in the vying for attention, stealing attention and creating negative attention. Right now I’m recalling my brother taking me out for the first time fishing with me. I used to love the time he spent fishing with me. He hurt me a lot because he never stayed the role model I needed him to be. He acknowledged later in life that he in some ways wish he was there for me. That’s all I have for now.

[ll Ontology ll]

Introductory message two:

Briefly first, hopefully no more theorisation outside this and to be honest I don’t even consider it theorisation as I’m giving it the least effort possible. Moving forward…

I realise now that there’s no “boredom” and any of its variants as well as just anything negational to being in the psychoemotional energetic sense. What is more real outside of the delusion that has been spelled out by the western world and that the majority of us have been indoctrinated with, that is the delusion that emotion equals something to either tend to or ameliorate and sometimes forcibly, the reality here is that we’re simply dealing with two organs and a single link. The brain, the heart and the connection between the two.

As your connection grows, you will less and less have to “process” though process will always and continually becomes natural part of maintaining and strengthening the connection itself, for like in the building of the mind, experience builds the connections of both cells in the heart and neurons in the brain. A general overview for what has many more fascinating elements. As I have described “electrical shocks” and analogous or worse concerning my own situation, you can consider this analogous to say putting a tyre on a car when you don’t have the strength and imagine both the tyre and the axle hub experience pain if the movement on the tyre or the axle hub isn’t perfect. How is there going to then be perfect alignment between tyre and axle hub when you say barely have the strength to lift the tyre onto the axle hub? So there’s always going to be awkwardness until you build up strength, this is the same as what can be said is happening between the brain and heart. When you understand things in this simple way, both your direction and interpretation in relation to the inner messages we receive between and from the heart and the brain become so much easier to understand in light of also now knowing that all your focus should be on is in focusing in the way described in the previous post towards aligning and connecting consciousness to your heart (remember that we’re not using the word “mind” here much if at all) while feeding the flow of traffic between the two continuously through your conscious attention with your deeper awareness.

I have come up with something else that I see as important but not for some weeks to come perhaps will I share it. I’ll oil the grooves and add very slowly nuts and bolts that need to be added while leaving everything else out or talking about it at a later time.

Before we enter:

 

 

 

Session:

The feeling adjusts the cord, changes the pigmentation of the colouring that opens the imagination and into the portal I walk in this moment without knowing what’s going to come next other than to say that there are a billion choice selections that following through as flashes of light that upon entering, change my life forever as they express themselves through me and through that expression that follows from these words.

This memory has always for whatever reason been with me yearly since the day in which it occurred, it was perhaps one of my first experiences of feeling left out which upon saying, is the phone number to dialling many other experiences where I felt left out in various nuanced ways that upon conscious reflection on my life, I never gave much impression to. In this realisation, it is obvious that there is a subliminal effect upon every slight experience that is observed by our consciousness and this is because our observation does not just extend with the conscious mind but that many minds are conscious within our consciousness that file away information we wouldn’t normally recall without the development of proper communication between the core aspects of being. It is obvious to me that in my discovery process here of strengthening my relationship with the heart, that the heart is itself one such organ that stores away subliminal information that was otherwise imperceivable or otherwise blocked out by various parts of the mind, secondly, that the heart can then be considered a kind of mind then, a second or at the very least second brain within the being. If we take this seriously, epistemically this rocks the foundations for how we should be considering peoples existential difficulties.

I was no more than 3-4 years of age in kindergarten and every year as we drew closer to Christmas a “Santa” would visit and give children presents that were organised by the parents to give to the teachers to give to Santa where he would then give us the presents. I never received one.

I never cried. I never talked about it. I never wondered consciously why, though deep down, imperceptible to my conscious mind, this was going to be one of the first times where I felt a lack of fairness in the expression of love and therefore unloved, a lack of acknowledgement as if to say that I wasn’t “good” enough to receive a Christmas present, unimportant in the eyes of my mother even though she often glorified me while giving me the opposite treatment sometimes as well, left out from the other children to whom I otherwise would have used the opportunity to have a deeper bonding experience. Worse more than this, I felt let down by my surrounding elder peers. No one thought to give me a present. I was just all alone. Waiting for my mother to pick me up who had merely just forgotten because that year and every year after I would get plenty of presents even though I wasn’t spoiled. I felt so disappointed that they didn’t have the intelligence to acknowledge that a social problem had occurred. Where was their sense of morality? Where was their sense of ethic? Where was their sense of creativity? Where was their sense of empathy? Where was their sense of love to wonder about the boy who was the only one left out? I just sat there, all alone like I did in class without Mr. Fisher (one of my previous entries in this journal) Being let down by others became a repeatable act that changed the way I saw my elders and in return would harm the way I would respond to them in time to come.

Edited May 4, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

35 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Thank you to everyone that has explicitly expressed their appreciation for my journal so far, sincerely it’s meant a lot. Out of my own gratitude it’s my promise to make sure this journal maintains the strictest integrity with its focus. 

Much love. Much respect. Much honour.

One last thing to cap-off addressing an “audience” ( thank you for your support ), it’s not really my job here of course to educate you on the validity of my work here. Some of you have built up impressions of me where my work here may go against that image of being hardcore ____ or at stage ____, though it was never the truth of me as I am always simply seeking the truth, in one important case, the truth of being and how to generate its highest alignment. It’s not my role in my journal to fill in the gaps for you so you can maintain a neat unscathable packaged unchanging image of me, it’s simply my job to do me and what is best for my developmental trajectory. Truth is not theory (but theory is our theory of truth), aka it will never be an image I have or anyone else has, it will simply be King Arthur’s sword right down the middle of reality and that’s where I head, it may not always make sense in the beginning but that’s where I have to go and it’s the path I respect as the truth. It is a matter of honour that we all judiciously respect our own individuals truth paths in this sense and understand that when it comes from our oceans depths, a change in a direction is a must. For me there is no change here, simply refinement, combination, alignment, synthesis, integration and unification.

That’s about it.

Best.

Edited May 4, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

For the first time ever my subconscious said to itself: 

"My heart will know what to do."

I've never said that before as truly deeply as I meant it. It goes down to the deepest foundations of my reality and so it should now. 6+ hours every day on my own designed training meditation. 

I will now kind of go against my "no theory policy", every entry dedicated to growing the heart from here on out will had a little introduction with original theory (unless otherwise stipulated) followed by the experiential exploration. Eventually theoretically I'll be able to map everything meaningful there is to map but I'll just branch out from there and replace those sentiments with relationships to the subject, no biggie, perhaps something that encapsulates the corresponding writing. I'll continue to add a song and just continue to improve thematicism on presentation here.

Thanks.