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As i am, like this, what is it.... __? Entangled in the blood, what is this arrangement and what is my desire for something else. Oh lord make thdi hard How is it not my defeat long ago? Well before he sprouted between two rocks wasn't I defeated? I was defeated. Pseudo humility wants to prostrate before me. Luck has it that I'm ____...? Why was I set into pl;;;n; m/ "Sucks to be you" lol, yes I'm a lolicon Before euroclydon had his first gust, before Darwin checked his first pea, before that first doorbell rang, before L solved his first puzzle, before Tobias did his first deed, before Luke wrote his first gospel, before Krishna made his first scabbard, in any way whatsoever was I different from that moment? In no way I am. It was exactly now it happened. So why pick up the sword, arjuna, "lelouch" ? Then was now, exactly as the nursery rhymes would say. You're in school. You're in the kitchen standing on a chair, the bell just rang. You're in swimming lessons. Ethan is a faggót on benefits who thinks Muslims are Hindus who wear bindus, motherfucker needs an inhaler to run 10 yards without wheezing like a cripple. Jacob just got you to take his queen and lose at chess, Cavan is a ginger Napoleon who bigs himself far more than he can exerts. Jake is an aneroxic kid whose mom probably drank when he was a fetus, Imogen's some alien who's good at just about everything and Hannah King is pretty pretty. Now Jake is waving goodbye, it's last time I'll see him. Richard Snell "prank called" your mum just now, omg shut the fuck up Cavan don't tell anyone I told you that, twat In the G-Block, in the B-rooms; wait, whats this cool creepy cartoon. THEN IS EXACTLY NOW. Now you're playing catch with a rugby ball and Martin's chipped his tooth, wonder why he grew out his hair. Looks cool but he's changed, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, THEN IS EXACTLY NOW, Lmao this lesson was so boring, why am I writing about alton towers rn for homework or scribbling out slim shady lyrics. And why should churches have to give gay cakes to people? Fucking retarded that is, wait, why is Ella Temperton such a bitch? Holy shit I just went outside to play catch, were you trying to flirt or was it something else. Such a cûnt, holy shit. And why is Poppy so slutty? Have some pride woman. Tch, dad might have raped. Not very funny is that now, so judgemental and mean. And after dreaming naruto 1000 times over 1000 times, he's in the next life, and now you're a 74 year old man on his death bed repenting to Allah. No, you're dreaming of lying down in the garden instead, and of reading that treasure hunt satan in town fiction book on Amna's bookshelf. They think it's right to murder, they want to murder. Look at all the people and they get a kick out of it, a sexual kick out of it, The whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic the whole thing I think is sic THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SIC "Pain, made to order", the whole thing I think is sick Beep beep. Now you're goo in cyberia raving to speed. Now you're on the treadmill watching hisoka fuck gon up. I can't find Kurt Kobain oh wait there he is you're there now, and kaiki was a? Ugh how did kaiki come? So bizzare THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK THE WHOLE THING I THINK IS SICK "!" [>>[ random noises, uh Izaya? When? What? ¿¿¿¿ Zenbou Zenbou Zenbou what?.... What¿? ¦©~} ^??????... What?.... What?.... What?...... What??.....what?..... What?....huh?...uh what?.... Huh?.... Huh? Bleach smelling and...___..... Wait what? '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' '' ' SPIT, IT OUT. What?.... What?....W... What? Uh, what?..... What?.... What?.... What?.... What?.... What?.... What? Zzzzzzzz flamingo, football head. Wait what?... Uh, vanilla, summer. Tanuki? Huh? What? Bleach bleach blech. ((green))??? ¿Whodunit? Horseman??? When was the horseman? Wait what? Alan Watts what? Why am I walking home listening to him? Huh? What's going on? Chains of gold? Tf this nîgger smoking... A HOP SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP. HOP A SKIP AND A JUMP. SKIP HOP AND A JUMP. HOP JUMP. HOP JUMPM. Wait why am I on the bus. Huh? AM I ON THIS SOFA OR AM I ON THE BUS, WHICH IS IT FAGG0T. -- It's no good, it's impossible to remember right now. Uh wait a second...(({u know how u got this}))... Ummmmmmm, sooooo...... ¿???? Nah I still don't get it

Yeah, I'm starting to become aware of how powerful these things really are... When I'm holding a tab of LSD I literally feel like I'm holding some alien technology from the future, it's so mind blowing what this stuff can do. Because of this and because of my sensitivity I'm beyond cautious when it comes to using them, as you've said the trip can end up going both ways, so I only plan on using these powerful things in a most responsible way. I've read your trip and it sounded amazing! I wish you all the luck and love for all you future trips Amazing stuff! I hope that one day I can also experience this non-dual/god-realization stuff that you guys are talking about, really sounds like the peak of human experience. Thanks! I actually forgot to write this one down, one of the first "syncronicical"(if thats even a word) things that I've noticed around 12h after the trip was this. I was laying in my bed and I just noticed how on the other side of the room this bag's sides were forming a heart which was really cool. I agree with @Gregory1. While I don't know how god realization feels like, I assume it transcends every model/theory/concept, but once you come down into your human form, you still need a way to navigate this reality, so in a way it can be very helpful. It also helps me determine where I am and where I am going, so if you use it in this way it can surely help you in your every day life. @Godishere If you decide to look into it, I would recommend you check out amazing series that @Leo Gura made, while as I've said it might be useless in your non-dual state, it can help you a lot in your every day life for sure. Here is the series -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3hNosyyXRA&list=PLFfM65xLnO-G2ytmWV1A6WBNrvLte92kN Also here is the missing stage turquoise episode that got copyright striked -> Hahahah now as I've pasted this, I noticed that my profile picture is similar to this thumbnail (I literally randomly picked this image when I created the account, I think I googled "infinity spiral" or smth like that). Universe has a really awesome way of speaking to you.

Let's be real. OK so. We're on a spinning rock out in the middle of nothingness. True? We probably came from a monkey or something. Who knows? You were created by your dad's sperm from him doing some dirty stuff. And your mom has eggs. They magically created you. When they got it on. Birth is like some weird alien process where the baby decides to pop into "reality" . Literally a human inside a human. Apparently were stuck on this rock with some crazy people. People create imaginary concepts and call it real. Countries and states are literally invisible lines. Is this real enough? Then there's this thing called perception. Which makes no sense. Is my perception more real than your perception? Do you know what I am perceiving? Most neuroscientist are clueless to what the difference between perception & reality is. Literally, if you can discern the difference between perception & reality then I'd like to know. What is perception? You see with your eyes? OK cool. Now tell me how that functions? Your eyes magically create reality? OK cool the brain creates reality. Then how does the brain create reality? What is real? Weed. OK cool you smoke weed and think it's like dmt. Have you done dmt? You watch some dude on the internet that makes videos about ideas. Who's to say it is true or false. How do you discern this? How do you know if your perception of reality is true or not? What if there are multiple perceptions of reality? What if you can have part of a truth but not the whole truth? What if your perception of reality is different than someone else's reality? Why so serious? Were all gonna die one day. Shit load of people before us have. Man some information like Recontextualization are pretty interesting. Especially if we recontextualize this conversation. Life is pretty strange. We spend 1/3 of our life asleep. So if you're 15 then you've spent 5 years asleep. That's a shit load of time. What is time? Is time real? Show me Life is a really strange dream. But you gotta wake up to the dream.

The events you are about to read took place a while ago, back in May 2016. Currently I am getting interested in experimenting with psychedelics again, so I reread the trip reports of my two past experiences with psyhedelics, both with ayahuasca. Wanted to share my trip reports with you guys and girls as well, so here it is. A short introduction I did both of these trips during a weekend retreat at a Dutch organization called The Sacred Voyage. It was all in kind of a therapeutic setting, using concepts like "getting back in touch with your inner child," and "facing your shadow," and your "inner critic". The Saturday consisted of group sharing, a dancing and moving workshop, and holothropic breathwork. The Sunday was completely dedicated to ayahuasca. The guides were all very experienced in working with plant medicine and things like shadow- and consciousness work. The setting was professional yet personal, which made me feel very comfortable to go into the experience. We were with about 15 people, all sitting on our own mattress with blankets and cushions. There were about 4 guides. Luckily there was no dancing or weird ceremonies during the ayahuasca itself, and everyone was encouraged to go into their own process. The guides were there to help out if needed. I fasted about 5 days beforehand on recommendation of the organization. I left out my addictions like coffee and sugar, and ate only smoothies and vegetable soup. This is probably the reason why I didn't have to puke or shit myself. I went into the whole experience with excitement and a bit of fear, and with a headache from lack of caffeine and a poor night of sleep. Back in 2016 (I was 24 then) I was dealing with social anxiety and low self esteem issues. I was also dealing with overuse issues and pain in my arms and shoulders, due to playing bass guitar. I studied jazz at conservatory, and was very perfectionistic. My self esteem was tied in with how good of a musician I was, and I didn't think I was that good. I wanted to see if the ayauasca ceremony in the setting of the Sacred Voyage could help me get over these problems, and maybe even heal my body. One more thing I need to say for you to understand the trip report better is that I took a couple of pictures with me, pictures of me and my brother as kids, pictures of my parents (and also grandparents if I remember correctly), and pictures of myself as a baby, lying under an incubator. As a baby I didn't have enough oxygen to make it on myself. I was looking at these pictures a couple of times during the trip. So without further ado, here is trip report number one from back in 2016. This is how I wrote it up back than. The report "Yesterday I made my first Sacred Voyage. It was a very special, confronting experience. The biggest theme that emerged in the journey was my inner critic, manifesting as a demon of immense power. The journey started after taking the first glass of Ayahuasca with a chakra meditation that lasted about an hour, which was led by the leading guide of the ceremony. At the end of this meditation I started to see all kinds of patterns and became dizzy. The stuff started to work. At some point (I weren't able to track time anymore) I started looking at my arms. They started to turn and spin slowly before me and deformed. At times they looked like baby hands, but I also thought of the hands of one of my aunts, who is mentally and physsically impaired. I looked very closely at my arms, the veins were very clearly visible. I also tried to give them healing by giving them some massage and love. At times my hands seemed very alien-like! What I remember afterwards is that I smelled a very burning scent. I know it was incense, because one of the guides passed by with it again when I was almost out of my journey. But during the journey it smelled of an intensely large fire. I entered a kind of lava underworld with a lot of desert (different but similar to the lava level in Super Mario 64, combined with the desert level) . My breathing became very heavy and it felt like I was exhaling some kind of thick smoke. It felt like I was a demon/wizard from the Middle East. Later I realized that this heavy breathing might have come from being under an incubator as a baby, reliving what that felt like. In any case, it felt very familiar to me. I felt like I came out of fire. This fire demon wanted the best for the baby (me as a baby). I took the photo and gave the baby fire and love. In the photo of myself I saw a lot of my mother. I also felt my mother's love for me when I was a baby. It was a very strong love, but also came out of a lot of fear of losing the little one. It is very difficult to put this whole experience into words. So much happened. I've heard, seen and felt so much. There were also very powerful insights and life lessons, of which I will probably get some of them back in the coming time. The whole journey was kind of a struggle between this fire and love. Fire in the form of power and strenth and love in the form of Universal Love. The demon, my critic, loses itself very quickly in its own power. He doesn't want to give up his kingdom. This power destroys himself. He forgets that he comes from a place of love and good intention for the baby, and he's too scared to let go, too scared the baby will get hurt. There were also many beautiful moments during the journey, moments when I could almost let myself go in love, or in the good. There were also a lot of insights. And love for myself, for my parents, for my brother, for my friends. Yet again and again this goodness has been overshadowed by the demon that cannot let go. I was in a lot of physical pain. Especially in my bones, joints and in my solar plexus. The pain in my bones and joints was mainly due to the mattress on which I lie and slept the last night I think, and because I slept very badly the night before the trip. Because of this, my body had hardly been able to relax. Maybe it has something to do with my sleeping position. In any case, the pains in my body intensified considerably during the journey. This pain was also a feature of the demon during the experience, who was old and weighed down by his own power, which made him suffer. Words that came up in addition to fire and love were curiosity, adventure and humor. Qualities that I ascribed to myself, but which I think are also entrenched by the demon. Letting go was also an important aspect. At one point, I convinced the demon of finally letting go of itself. I put on my eye caps and inserted my earplugs and lay down quietly. I literally wanted to die. The demon understood this too. Only it didn't work. The demon started making excuses all the time, things that had to be done before. Viewing photos, healing my arm, etc. Each time I tried to convince the demon that it will continue after death, but then with the demon by my side, and not the demon ruling over me. I told him that adventure awaits on the other side. But he didn't want to give up. This resulted in a lot of stress and pain. In retrospect, I think I wanted to let go of the demon because it caused me too much pain. I also wanted to discover what was behind that pain, to the light, to heaven or something. I think this was an ego decision and it doesn't work very well in that dimension I think. I was also worried that I didn't have enough time. Not enough time in the sacred dimension to let go and experience the nice stuff. The battle actually went on all the time. It got really frustrating at some point." Final Thoughts That was all I wrote back in 2016, about my first ayahuasca experience. The whole thing lasted about 8 hours and I drank 3 glasses of ayahuasca. The last two tasted even nastier than the first one. In hindsight I remember that I had this naive notion of letting go of the ego and surrendering to Oneness which I read about before, and maybe heard about through Actualized. I thought that I would just be able to let go and be all happy afterwards. It didn't turn out that way... I can also see how the demon I experienced during the experience is a beautiful metaphor for the ego, or at least for the denser, darker, traumatized parts of the ego. Leaving the retreat that day I didn't feel all lovey dovey, excited and spiritual, like I imagined it would've been. I felt kind of confused and disappointed by the whole experience at first, but started to really appreciate it in the following weeks. I'm still not really sure what I got out of the experience. It didn't heal my body, and didn't fix my low self-esteem issues. I only got a grip on those a couple of years back, and not through the use of psychedelics. I do view this experience as an essential start of my spiritual/self-actualization journey though. It certainly made me hungry for more, and I saw the potential of the psychedelic realm, so to speak. Today I also see that I probably got too deeply emersed in the content of the experience, rather than trying to go meta and contemplate and observe the whole thing happening. But on the other hand, that was where I was at, at the time.

What do actualizers think of the movie Soul? https://youtu.be/1gjrVACqo2w How accurate is that scene? Does the ego remain intact enough to fear the godhead or cling to certain aspects of the previous life such that one avoids the return to source? Another possibility is reincarnation being an archonic trap. I’ve seen several sources warn to avoid the light at the end of the tunnel because we’re tricked into thinking it’s the great beyond but actually it’s just the outside of vagina number 8,248,957,661. That this is done to trick us into coming back over and over so malevolent forces can feed on our soul. It makes sense from a logical stance because why the hell would anyone wish to keep returning to a planet packed full of unfathomable levels of misery and suffering? If the goal was to come back to assist in the salvation of others, wouldn’t it be better to join a benevolent alien race like the Pleadians or Arcturians so you can help from a vantage point?

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

Most people who use DMT do not go to any singularity, they go to weird alien mindscapes. I don't know why you're hung up on one particular type of trip.

I had some musings on the epiphenomenon of thought and being a "me" in a body. One question that continually bugs me is why am I me? The slap your forehead answer is: because I'm not someone else. But there's no joy in that answer, the alternative answers fling you down a deep rabbit hole of existentialism. One of those anwers is that the notion of me is just an epiphenomenon. The analogy is like that of a computer, hardware and software. The hardware is of course physicality itself, all those transistors and silicon. The software is the configuration of electrons in that all that hardware; electrons themselves also being physical, but the combinatorial properties of shuffling electrons around is the epiphenomenon of software. So it is with "me". The hardware is the stuff of consciousness, colours, sounds, smells, the software is the sense of a "me" inside a body and being a world. The stuff of consciousness arranges itself combinatorially (in patterns) out of which runs the program of a self. This analogy has a strong whiff of the simulation hypothesis. In a way it is, a "me" is being simulated, as if I were a computer game character; except the hardware is definitely not a silicon computer and the software is not electrons running a program. So what should I make of this fact in relation to asking myself "why me"? The first thing is perhaps the software is such that it has tendency to ask this sort of question about itself, maybe it's completely an epiphenomenon of no value whatsoever; if the software of "me" were to be wiped the hardware would persist and do its own thing. This is just enlightenment from a different angle. Enlightenment is just trying to break the programming enough that these sorts of questions are meaningless, it baldly points out that I'm just software and a frivolous epiphenomenon, and that the "me" can become aware of this. What enlightenment is, is the hardware asserting its authority over the software. Ok more about the question "why me?". What's the alternative? Maybe I would jump from person to person and time period to time period Quantum Leap style. In this scenario some core essence of "me" would remain between jumps, because if it didn't I wouldn't be aware of jumping at all. I say "person" because hardware-wise that is the nearest analogue that would fit my program. If I were to jump into a fly, the "me" program would have a very hard time running. If I were to jump into different persons, then that core essence would bleed into that person's character. There would be a discontinuity in that person. If you go to the literature this indeed seems to happen (walk-ins or possession for example). What about jumping around in time? This should be possible too as an alternative. Again the hardware of consciousness is all-powerful, it can manifest anything it likes. Time period is a very high level concept and involves notions of change. For example to say I could jump into a Victorian gentlement, my core essence would need enough knowledge to realise that this had happened. There is this sense again, that my core essence would have a hard time running say 10,000 years in the future on a foreign planet, so would prefer more familiar time periods. Maybe the idea of familiarity or compatibility is all that's needed. I am "me" and not "you" because if I were to jump around inhabiting different bodies and time periods, they would be too alien and basically incompatible with the software. I stay as "me" in this body because the software refuses to run on any other hardware. Don't get me wrong though, hardware is not materialism, it's not that "me" couldn't run in your body, that's not it, it's because "me" runs on this particular configuration of consciousness. That's the problem with epiphenomenons, they give the air of being detached from the substrate that gives rise to them, but in reality they are the substrate behaving in certain persistent ways. I am consciousness not separate from it, it's just that that consciousness has become configured in a certain way that gives rise to a "me". This begs the question of whether "you" actually exist. Maybe the reason I can't jump from body to body, is that there is in reality one instance of software of "me" running, otherwise known as solipsism. You see the software is programmed to recognise other persons and to reflect that back onto itself. I see two arms, two legs and a head that talks at me, and recognise that as some sort of analogue of "me". So not only is the program simulating "me" it is also simulating "you". Don't confuse the raw conscious experience of a person (hardware), with the experience of seeing your mother (software). The hardware itself does not recognise anything at all, any attempt at recognition or familiarity is all software. All the hardware is able to do is be aware, and it is aware of itself, all the rest is hardware configuring itself into software (like physical electrons running in physical silicon). So we have a picture of the raw consciousness of the world with the singular ability to be aware of itself, and the rest is simulation. Even enlightement can't jack you out of the simulation, because if it did everything would cease to make any sense at all, like turning off the power to the computer (and aborting all running programs). The power of enlightenment is over-stated. So, why me? Because I am an epiphenomenon of a slice of consciousness, that has sandboxed itself. The only option open to me is to modify the program of "me" running enough that the hardware asserts itself more strongly.

It felt very alien to me too at first compared to everything I've experienced before in terms of jobs, as well as what I've seen with some other peoples 9-5s, but these types of companies definitely exist, even if they're not all like this. To make it even better, the mission of my current company, again without getting too specific, is basically to help other people escape wage slavery or at least supplement their income through their creative skills. So on top of a good work environment, it feels good knowing that I'm contributing to a company that is actually beneficial to the world, rather than knowing that I'm contributing to some pointless company that just sells people bullshit and extracts money however it can, but sticking around anyway because I need to pay the bills. I think there plenty of other companies like this which you can't expect to immediately work at, but once you develop some decent skills, you can start being picky. The job demand in the industry is insane. I wasn't even looking for a job when these people hired me, it was just one of the many recruiters in my linkedin DMs that I decided to reply to because the offer actually sounded interesting, and they ended up hiring me. Again, I don't LOVE coding, but I really don't mind it and the benefits of doing this type of work/having this skill are extremely valuable. It almost doesn't feel fair to see other people struggling so much to find work, meanwhile I'm constantly ignoring or shutting down recruiters with only a few years of experience under my belt.

LOL. That sounds so alien compared to the company i am ?? Thanks @InfinityBeats and @impulse9 advice. I Will take into account the good and the bad. Very juicy info helps a lot.

10.8.2021. 30 minutes attempted vipassana session: thoughts and feelings that came up; Extreme anxiety of not feeling safe and fear of killing myself and dying. Of losing everything I have and everything I know to be. The fear came up of me killing myself in the near future or feeling extremely unsafe in my objectively non-threatening environment that I was going to die and lose everything I know about myself, my identity, my current achievements and level of development, EVERYTHING, FOREVER, and would therefore throw the waste the life that was given to me and all the perks I am enjoying now with it, that I would squander the gift of life and being born in the environment that I am born given to me by my mother and my ancestors, especially my grandfather from my father's side - for whom I'd always almost had deep respect and admiration. Fear of losing all that privilege given to me by my ancestors that I just simply inherited from them. And I felt deeply bad that was one of the main things causing my fear of death and not the fear of losing my life itself as it is and myself as a person that I am and an identity - like I did value my own life and personality enough but only the fact it was given to me by others before me. I felt like a slow state of depression and dying - or to say more appropriately losing myself into nothing. A deeply ingrained and non-resolved complex of inferiority detected that was allowed to fester in the unconsciousness in my psyche? Well, yes it certainly seems that way. Why am I afraid of myself killing myself and why did I feel so insecure about my environment feeling that at any moment it was going to lead to me killing myself? Why so much insecurity and a lack of self-confidence and faith? Why? Why did it feel so tiring and draining? Like I was trying to let go of myself and be consumed by the abyss. Why am I afraid of getting tired and weak? Why do I fear it would lead me to death? What am I anyway? What is this? Why is letting go into dying so contrasted and opposed to the feeling of living and being alive? Why so much fear and resistance? Why am I so afraid of dying? Why does it feel so tiring and draining? I do not want to just die this way. I can just let go of my life now. Why do I feel that the memories of the personalities of my ancestors haunt me? Why do I feel that I am not worthy enough of them with the way I am living and experiencing my life? It feels almost like an unending road of depression, aimlessness, hopelessness, and a lack of motive and purpose in life? Why do life and my experiencing of it feel so bleak and alien to me? Why do I feel like I am an alien to experiencing existence? Why do I feel like an alien and stranger to existence and life? Why does nature seem alien to me and yet I feel bleak familiarity, safety and take comfort in its presence, and have a distinct and unexplainable feeling if I go I will be welcomed in familiar arms, its an unexplainable slight feeling of ease and security and hope and comfort around it. Like it will open me with open arms even if I decide to go now, earlier than I should. Why are so many thoughts of suicidal ideation popping out briefly and then going away? Why do I feel uncomfortable with my present life so much, why do I despise it and hate it so much? 7.10. 2021. Around 10 PM yesterday something. Walking Contemplation Near Trees by the Danube River in Zemun quay, Why do the trees and nature around me feel like the only thing familiar around me despite my feelings of depression? Why does the breeze feels so good, and making me feel like I am a part of the life-world and natural world even though I feel like currently a human person? It feels like even if I wasn't and ceased to be I would still belong there and return there like some long-forgotten home of mine before all these personal experiences, history, and memories. Like a place, I sprang from an intuitive level and I will spring back to once I am no more here as a person. Only my experience of the leaves rustling in the night breeze and of sensing and seeing the bark of trees, of a various different kind, te names of and species of most I which do not know, in the night by the flowing river like a long lost lifeworld to me which I was once a part through which I know now only intuitively through same faint remembrance and recollection only through the intuition of my senses. The surrounding artifacts and remnants of human civilization seem so alien and dry and foreign to me even though I am a part of it experientially all my life and depend on its system for sustenance for me to sustain and facilitate this experience of enjoyment and pleasantness with moving around, observing, sensing and experiencing the pleasantries and smoothness of the natural world in vibrant and alive phenomenology appearing before me. The natural world's pull I sense from time to time is where I feel I want to belong. Yet then why do I feel anatural to myself then? Why do I feel so corrupted and perverted from the natural order? Why do I feel estranged to it, like I was damned not to ever feel it in its fullness by the corrupted and perverted ways of mind? When will I free myself from myself? Nature - the breeze, trees, and the river feel very soothing and calming they feel like a part of me. Does nature want to talk to me in the language I have forgotten and no longer understand? How and why did I allow myself to forget it deliberately and cast it aside as unimportant to my life, which I have brief realizations is inseparable from it even if I fool myself in my day-to-day experience and mind it isn't so? Why did these low consciousness fleeting desires and their brief pleasures and always temporary void filling stemming from succumbing to neediness take precedent over wanting to experience nature in its pure and undiluted form? Why the sacrifice of wellbeing for the fleeting, why the succumbing to fleeting desire and fleeting instant gratification and wish fulfillment, over experiencing life more fully, vibrantly, and lively as much of the time as possible when I make opportunities for it? Why the selling myself short of wanting to take care and retain this experiencing ability? Why lose myself in this transient, temporal, and not lasting for the sake of wish fulfillment and instant gratification and lose out on the serenity, peace, and calm of nature and the natural in attune with it. My thoughts are full, my mind empty. I need to go back to my ancestor's residential beehive building. I will finish this and try to remember more of this later when my thoughts untie themselves around each other, my mind remembers itself and my feelings feel themselves again and not tiredness and burn out. To be continued when my thoughts and memories catch up.

@Tyler Durden it's all very convincing.. it seems real. Perhaps consider the absurdity of it all.. that there should even be humans, and brains, and memories.. why not other things? Our lives 'seem normal' because we're used to it, but if you had no human experience to compare your life with, all of this would seem completely absurd.. like you looking at some alien species with two heads that vomit on each other to communicate and reproduce by pulling it's own teeth out and planting them in Jello.. if that was your 'normal'.. it wouldn't seem absurd at all.

Tired of drinking poison with my water. Main preferences are portability and low price. It needs to only produce 4-5 liters of clean water a day. I've heard reverse osmosis is where it's at. How useless would something like this be though: https://eur.vevor.com/products/4l-dental-water-distiller-pure-water-purifier-filter-stainless-steel-with-bottle ? Leo has recommended this: https://www.amazon.com/APEC-Certified-Alkaline-Water-RO-PH90/dp/B00SGGT14Q/ on the forum, but I think I would rather keep drinking poison than set that up and lug that shit around when moving - which I do fairly often. Besides, I don't have enough room in my kitchen to really make that possible without looking like a crazy person to my guests. So something simpler would be nice, if possible. Only a few liters per day needed and if it filters over 90% of the nonsense out and doesn't look like some massive alien spaceship, then I'm good. Thanks in advance!

I'm open-minded too, but that doesn't mean that I don't require good evidence before I believe in something. But yes it's possible that they are visiting earth. What kind of evidence? Well, better video footage at least to start with, but ultimately the aliens should either reveal themselves fully and let us study their bodies, or we should get our hands on actual aliens or alien space/aircraft. Then I would believe in the stuff. And don't come with the bullshit "we already have them, but the government just keeps it secret." That's just a damn typical conspiracy theory. (This wasn't really aimed for specifically you something_else.) If we are like powerless animals for them then there wouldn't really be a reason for them to hide. Humans don't hide themselves from animals. No reason to hide since they are powerless anyway.

I have watched the videos for many hours now, have watched about half of the videos. Watching them all takes at least a day I think. So I'll continue tomorrow I guess. I'm not impressed so far, not at all. If someone consumes a lot of specific "information", in this case pro-alien stuff, then it's pretty likely that you start believing in the subject. Basically, the mind gets reprogrammed, and it could be a program which isn't true. And yes I'm not immune against that either, but I go more for real evidence, instead of blurry videofootage and unverifiable stories and shit. Especially this video (which is on your list) is packed with classic hardcore conspiracy theories: For example it is said that Tom says that the conspiracy theory about the moonlanding being fake was created as a disinformation campaign created by the intelligence agencies to cover up what really happened. That what actually happened was that there were aliens in a crater. (From 12:50 in the video).

The Spaceship Moon Theory, also known as the Vasin-Shcherbakov Theory, is a hypothesis that claims the Earth's moon may actually be an alien spacecraft. The hypothesis was put forth by two members of the then Soviet Academy of Sciences, Michael Vasin and Alexander Shcherbakov, in a July 1970 article entitled "Is the Moon the Creation of Alien Intelligence?". Vasin and Shcherbakov's thesis was that the Moon is a hollowed-out planetoid created by unknown beings with technology far superior to any on Earth. Huge machines would have been used to melt rock and form large cavities within the Moon, with the resulting molten lava spewing out onto the Moon's surface. The Moon would therefore consist of a hull-like inner shell and an outer shell made from metallic rocky slag. For reasons unknown, the "Spaceship Moon" was then placed into orbit around the Earth. Their hypothesis relies heavily on the suggestion that large lunar craters, generally assumed to be formed from meteor impact, are generally too shallow and have flat or even convex bottoms. Small craters have a depth proportional to their diameter but larger craters are not deeper. It is hypothesized that small meteors are making a cup-shaped depression in the rocky surface of the moon while the larger meteors are drilling through a five mile thick rocky layer and hitting a high-tensile "hull" underneath.

@Knowledge Hoarder Wait, do you care about scientific facts or do you care about questioning the materialist paradigm? ? Have you noticed that the people who most desire to disassemble the materialist paradigm are those people that are most unsatisfied with their bodies and their lives? People who want to dismantle the human world and take everyone with them into the clouds of pure thought. The ultimate form of which is either a humble martyr, or worse, a suicidal cult-leader. But that place of pure thought is the place from which we came, and we will return there when our bodies perish. And true masters of the metaphysical self don't go around trying to convert "other people" to non-materialism because they've become immaterial within themselves, and thus there is no need to evangelize, since on the immaterial / spiritual / metaphysical plane of existence, there truly is no "other", and "humanity" is just a metaphor which presents the mind of God in "physical" form. But if you embrace your humanity, then preaching non-materialism is a fool's game which will see you miss out on the beauties of genuine human relationship and genuine human experience, and which will see your human life come and go without truly experiencing this world. Isn't the very purpose of God incarnating as human to live a human life? And human life, from my experience at least, involves quite a bit of material, quite a bit of physical resource. Have you tried fasting? Have you tried holding your breath or avoiding water? Close at-hand reminders of your humanity. My longest fast was 7 days. I can tell you, for sure, that reality becomes incredibly and naturally more psychedelic, and you slowly start to fade from this world. It's a beautiful sensation, but not the purpose of human life, in my opinion. People who are trying to dismantle the materialist paradigm think that they're "saving the world" or something. But if you ask me, this escapism attitude toward humanity and its struggle is not saving anyone but indeed doing the opposite: harming humanity and its home, Planet Earth, by denying the reality of our existence as intelligent apes on a very real and material plane of existence. Of course, everyone is free to choose their path. And if you're not actually human, but instead are an alien, then kewl. But if you're human, embrace it! Sooner than later. I've found much fulfillment in embracing humanity and the physical world, rather than running from it. But to achieve this fulfillment of embracing the material, one must truly accept their humanhood, and thus their eventual human ego death. But once those acceptances are at peace in the mind, then the wonders of existing as a material being truly come into light. Food for thought ??

I will watch the videos later today but I'll comment about Luis Elizondo: it doesn't matter what he was before, because he isn't a member of US intelligence anymore. So he's not a official. So it's not true that "US military has confirmed the existence of alien craft". Maybe Luis got fired for being a idiot or a tin foil hat, or maybe he quit just to get rich with his scam company To The Stars Academy. I really don't care about people who are "former" something. Their credibility died the moment they became "former".

"Because you think torture is going to mean something bad for your Life therefore you have created a bias against It, however with ice cream you have a bias towards It because culture has created a positive meaning (sugary-fatty) therefore you literally create pleasure when eating It because you have a meaning of intense positive bias towards It. The prove that everything is imaginary is that if we woud Tell you that that ice cream you are going to have is made of excrements of a diseased alien with AIDS, suddenly eating that ice cream would be torture for you. Yet notice is the same ice cream, the same taste, it only went from pleasure to torture once you attached a meaning of negative bias towards It." Its all in the (imaginary) meaning you put into each object ( or person). Have i got It right? @Leo Gura

well i'm glad y'all are finding enjoyment in the alien thing, happiness & enjoyment are definitely important in life. i perpetually exist in a psychedelic mindset so i def understand the realization of other strange beings existing around us. from my experience, most are angels, but every now and then a lil demon pops up. faith is stronger than fear though, of course. i guess i just don't find the aliens that troll the CIA that interesting compared to all the others

That's because you're a child. If you actually listen to their interviews you will see they admit of alien craft. Keep inhaling that copium.

No they haven't. They have confirmed the existence of unidentified aerial phenomena. The phenomena on the videos could be a million other things than alien stuff.

Lol US military has already confirmed the existence of alien craft. You just stuck your head in the sand about it. Videos have been released. And more will come. You cannot record a UFO with a smartphone. Military cameras are barely fast enough to track them.

Yawn. Prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, then we can talk. There are literally hundreds of millions, billions of recording devices in the world now, most of which are high quality. Yet despite all the "evidence" we haven't had a single legit video or image capture of what is clearly, and inarguably verified as an alien or alien vessel. Even the quality of the releases from the US military is total dogshit. This is just a mass hallucinatory conspiracy theory right now. When we actually do have proof there will be global public hysteria. Which right now there is not because it's clear we don't.