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@Hojo how can I have an ego death experience without drugs? From what I’ve learned ego death means merging with infinite love but that’s a fleeting experience. I believe the main reason I got blacked out is because my ego was getting in the way of kundalini so much. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t actually resisting though, I was “in the ride” and it has shown me infinity of God’s mind. I mainly saw the darker side of consciousness, but I also merged with love & bliss momentarily. Here’s my first encounter with insanity. I can’t even get into the other ones, there’s actually a storyline to them that won’t make sense to anyone else besides me.

Love is an actual experience, not a concept @Someone hereif you are able to feel love while eating a dogs shit. Is not about what is or what is not Love. Is wether you feel love, Bliss, just by existing. Just by Breathing, just by being. Is wether the mere process of you being here becomes a Blissful experience, thats all that matters Thats all that matters. Then you Will use your Mind consciously to choose whether you should eat a dog shit or a Donut. Dont mix apples with oranges. 🙏

OK. In my experience there is no such thing . What is known as "unconditional love" in spiritual community is not bliss or positive emotions..it's an overarching unity that encompasses the whole spectrum of all emotions. So pain..misery..disease..hunger ..filth ..happiness..orgasms..dog shit ..etc ..are all unconditional love. In Leo's interview with Curt from theories of everything.. Curt has asked Leo if love is not romantic love but rather an all encompassing substratum that includes everything that exists..then why calling it "love" and not "bugaboo "? And Leo's response didn't convince me . Since the word "love" has emotional connotation then why insisting on calling it love if its not romantic love ? Then why did you say each atom in the universe is made of love if you're not always in love?

No, I mean the ingredientes table of the universe is made out of love! Or Bliss, even better

If you make a radical post like this, expect to get radical answers. It seems as if you are connecting death with awakening, which is a big trap. You dying is not you becoming one with God. You talk about an idea of becoming one with God, a wish that you want to be realized, a certain state where you think suffering will end. Awakening is not an idea, nor a 'future hope for bliss and unconditional happiness'. Awakening is an extremely slow process of deconstructing yourself. Psychedelics should be used as an extra tool to help guide your path. For example, if you want to get better at socialising, you can take a shortcut by snorting a line of amphetamines... you'll be the most social person in the room. But then you have to come down and end up with your real self. OR you can realize that there are no shortcuts that lasts, and start working on your social skills through dedicated practice. I'm sorry to hear that you are suicidal. I've also been. I was clinically dead for a few minutes, after an OD of benzos, hand sanitizer and cocaine. I also wanted to die because I thought that everything is meaningless, and so I might as well just take the shortcut of dying and become one with God right? The disconnect, the gap, is way too big. Ground yourself in actuality. Not any idea.

You're clearly not spiritually mature enough to take any psychedelic. A psychedelic is anything but a quick fix. Ground yourself in current, material reality. Your wish to 'die and become God' is ridiculous. I'm not saying this to put you down. I've been there and having premature insights and awakenings is the opposite of infinite bliss

The path is narrow, as sharp as the razor's edge, and perilous (dangerous) in the extreme. The idea 'I am God, I am Love'—ever pure and free, having no taint (stain) of worldly desire—is a great concept. If you can choose this trend of thought and follow it vigorously (with effort and dedication), it may help you to rend (tear apart) the veil of maya (illusion), the One concealing itself and appearing as the many, provided Reality wills it. But to live a life of pure detachment (freedom from attachment) from all needs of the body, from all desires and longings of the mind, all your actions and thoughts need to be directed towards Infinity. Always keep alive the sense of discrimination (ability to judge wisely). Reflect thus: 'I feel some joy here, but is it of the abiding (lasting) type called Atmananda (the bliss of the Self)?' There must be keen (sharp and focused) discrimination between that which is fleeting (temporary) and that which is abiding (permanent) forever. Think always about the precept (teaching) that the Guru has given you: 'I am God.' While moving about, working, or resting, always seek refuge (protection and comfort) in That. You must read about matters which will develop both introspection (self-reflection) and insight (deep understanding) into the realities of life; constantly seize opportunities conducive (favorable) to that end. In all your thoughts and outward actions, your sole aim must be to stick to God-Reality steadily (firmly and consistently) at all times. ~ Sri Anandamayi Ma

It takes you nowhere. You don't find any answer. You are just temporarily distracted from the real world. It's peace, not bliss. It's love that's unspeakable. It's empty. It's only suffering.

Sadhguru on the lost concepts of Heaven and how this is a disability to humanity, to think that there is another place better than this place.. The key is that Life is within You, and it is outside of You but first You have to discover that You are Life itself, and when You realize this then Bliss is natural for You, and via that "What about Me" leaves You and then You can open up other Potentials for You to explore, that is Enlightenment comes into play in Your Life..

bruh... He has not transformed but he does not want to accept it. He just thinks Life is about feeling God or Infinite for some hours and then dreaming again the rest of the time in ego consciousness. Ime there is a higher possibility. Stepping into a new territory and leaving your old town for ever. Where is the destination of that path? Unfortunately the destination that was in my case was when laid down the psychedelics and real path began. With psychs I see no other path than going and up and down endlessly. When you go up and down constantly are you going somewhere or are you going in circles? That´s the goal 😎 To ultimate disappear from experience. @cetus A wise man once said: Is easy to not get entangled with pain, misery, sadness. But is much more difficult to not get entangled with pleasurable states: joy, ecstasy, etc... Even samadhi ultimately will be another attachment. Attachment to ecstasy or Bliss. Even that is not IT

I like this story it’s a good enough story for me to adopt and believe. I love the irony in that suffering does not lead to death. It’s designed that even through suffering you wanna fight in the opposite direction of death. It’s so twisted. Your purpose is part of the masterpiece that keeps me in the opposite direction of bliss. I’m sitting at the edge of a cliff looking out into a sea of Bliss and yet I don’t have the awareness to jump in. I’m profoundly unaware. lol

@Ayham Kriya Yoga truly works if you practice it daily. It requires a great deal of discipline, but the results are absolutely worth it. I received teachings from the Yogananda lineage; my teacher’s guru was Roy Eugene Davis (a direct disciple of Yogananda) . My teacher name is Chris Sartain. I’ve been practicing Kriya Yoga every day, without missing a single session, since October 1st of this year. The power of Kriya Yoga lies in its transformative effects on the brain. It enhances the functionality of the frontal lobes, improving focus, reducing stress, and quieting the “monkey mind.” It also sharpens your IQ, discernment, and intuition—some of the most tangible physical benefits of the practice. On an energetic level, Kriya Yoga fosters a subtle sense of bliss. Over time, it cultivates a more positive state of mind, reducing negative thoughts and bringing a sense of inner peace. Unlike psychedelics, which can create intense but fleeting experiences, Kriya Yoga is stable and cumulative—each day’s practice builds upon the last. This is because Kriya systematically dissolves the energetic blockages you’ve accumulated throughout your life. While psychedelics can be transformative, they often overstimulate the nervous system. Kriya Yoga, on the other hand, strengthens and harmonizes it, promoting long-term health and balance. With consistent practice, it’s even possible to develop siddhis (spiritual powers)—I’ve already experienced one myself. Advanced practitioners can also produce soma, a blissful nectar generated by the brain. Another hallmark of advanced yogis is the awakening of the sushumna nadi, the central energy channel. This awakening makes accessing mystical experiences easier and more natural as time goes on. The only significant challenge of Kriya Yoga is the necessity of daily practice to reap its benefits. However, once you start experiencing the profound bliss and transformation it brings, maintaining the discipline becomes second nature. Waking up early, even at 5:30 a.m., feels effortless because you don’t want to miss out on the rewards of the practice. That said, you don’t have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to practice Kriya Yoga. The key is finding a consistent time that works for you. If you’re doing an extensive Kriya routine, it may take some time, so you’ll need to adjust your daily schedule or make lifestyle changes to prioritize it. Lahiri Mahasaya taught that for the average person, achieving enlightenment is an incredibly slow process that takes millions of incarnation'S. However, Kriya Yoga provides a way to transcend this lengthy process. With dedicated practice, it’s possible to achieve enlightenment in a single lifetime or, at the most, within a few lifetimes for those who progress more slowly. Yogananda encouraged his disciples with the hopeful reminder: “Keep at it! You’re almost there.” If I have one regret about Kriya Yoga, it’s that I didn’t take it seriously sooner. It has been one of the most transformative decisions of my life.

It should be clear what the result is of taking psychedelics too seriously, Leo is an example of that... I will give him credit that he has a very very strong desire to know Truth and Reality, and has put great effort into that path that he has chosen for himself, I have lots of Respect for him in that endeavour, but its gotten him where he is today, suffering health problems and such, not sure if his use of psychedelics lead to this or not, but now it seems he is stuck reliving previous experiences and going via that to come to conclusions about Reality.. Yoga is can be a fast way or slow way, slow way is safe and secure in that its a progression, you go the path of Peace and Bliss, then Your more naturally open to higher Realizations of Reality and its safe, Your Stable and Grounded, the other ways like psychedelics is like giving a homeless man $1 Billion to spend, he will go crazy with it and is not prepared for it, so that is dangerous, unless Your sick of this sort of life and want to leave it...

@LordFall Corruption is simply, deviation from Truth. Yogis attaining bliss (wherever), will have effects on the humanity, whether you like it or not. Every single thing, have an effect. And I'd rather not spoil it for you. And it's not "gurus blissing out in a cave". ---- Truth is not what you see, out there in the world. Truth is --- It's not that ideas "cannot" have an effect, it's that ideas which doesn't effect humanity yet. Those are bathed in vision, not falsehood. You need to think long term, thousands of Centuries years into the future.

@DreamScape thank you for your concerns. I stopped my spiritual practice due to kundalini being so unpredictable but the need for discovering more about spirituality is still here @Hojo I don’t think I understand. Do you think I am making this up? This is an actual thing that I experienced first hand and due to the nature of the incident it’s not possible to describe it with words so you can fully understand how profound it was. Of course this happened inside the dream we called life. In a sense, of course I (God) made this up, just like everything else. Infinity goes in all directions, including sanity and insanity within it, I experienced both but my awakening was not total because the Godhead used insanity to shatter my ego and due to that I was terrified. The thing that happened to me was “when you become so open minded, you become seeing demons” type of thing. I don’t remember the actual quote. @Inliytened1 thanks for your comment. How can I become awake, especially on Love, without putting too much pressure on my ego and drive it insane? I think the things I experienced was too much for it and that’s why I got blackout & hospitalized after some time. I’ve experienced divine bliss, I am working on loving insanity as well because it’s a part of who I am (God). I also had glimpses of Love inside the periods of insanity.

You do not want to realize the collapse of self and other. It is horrifying. Because you will realize that you are completely alone and that is a radical recontextualization of everything you have ever known. You will spend the rest of your life as an ego forgetting about awakening. And desperately wanting other to be real, and so it is On the flip side there is massive bliss and tears and love and Divinity. But ego death is a part of it and it cannot be helped. Ego death and the realization that you are God is a double edged blade.

I hope it was a sesame bagel with cream cheese? Anyways as @Hojo said as this is your dream the kundalini and the awakening is just evidence of this. But these spiritual Truths are a good thing. They are a blessing. So don't look at them as anything bad. The dream is a wonderful expression of you, God. Of course you havent had a complete awakening yet so don't take what I say on faith. You have bagels. Still you had significant realizations that should give you faith. Did you feel the Divine Bliss of God during your awakenings? That bagel is a very beautiful thing and you will never look at it the same again. You'll never look at anything the same. A sunset. A coke can. A bagel. A squirrel. An owl. A tree. A sidewalk. Your mother. Your father. All of it - you're seeing all of it as completely divine now and you're correct - it is God. So the love will come. It is all a manifestation of God and Consciousness. And Mind. It is absolutely glorious and you should bask in it.

Insanity is when you have a very profound mystical experience of no self while also having chakras not aligned. In other words, if you are not feeling overwheliming love and bliss you're doing it wrong.

Good morning… so awesome start to the week! My pops and I were able to go to my cousin’s new house up north to share in some family time for the holidays… great big old home that’s super warm and welcoming and had a blast with everyone. We’re gamers and so got a chance to play some new games… the first was Seven Wonders I think… and it was a bit tricky getting the rules, but I had beginner’s luck and did really well playing my cousin and her two kiddos… who are growing so fast.. the youngest had his 20th birthday on Monday… and her daughter who’s 24. We got to cook together in their kitchen which is probably my favorite activity to share during the holiday season… well cooking and games… so perfect! Monday…. I’ve been waiting a week to go to my first beginner’s jam. I knew I was going to love it and it was far more than expectations obviously because I couldn’t imagine all the nuance and details of emotions I was going to experience. And I didn’t know the players who were going to attract together to share in this moment. I went a little early to meet with the gentleman I met a week earlier at a drum troupe practice. It was an old building which had so much character. He gave me a tour which was music studio/living quarters/workshop…. I absolutely loved it and briefly met his dog Indy… maybe a labordoodle mix? But guys started to arrive with their own instruments and wasn’t certain exactly where I was going to find myself… but I ended up with the electrical drum kit. And there ended up being six of us… I guess there was a seventh who showed up because he happened to hear the music as he was driving by… he’s from Indy and happened to be in Anderson. He’s a karaoke singer and it was nice to have him stop by but there was something about someone who comes into a jam session and wants us to stop just to hear him sing…. Hehe… he finally sang along with us… I guess that was just the point… we’re here to connect and share into the musical collaboration. But anyway it was really fucking awesome! I had sat at an acoustical drum kit before. I was dating a musician what nine years ago for a little bit… I went to a few practices where they let me play a little bit… but nothing like this… it was close to three hours on the kit… and I wasn’t by myself… I was with a group of seasoned musicians who were very inspiring and encouraging. I love it! I remember having like four different minds connected to the hands and feet… when I started I just started with my hands… I felt a bit comfortable with this. It did seem that I heard and felt a beat that continued to thread itself throughout the night. I kept trying to get to different rhythms but i could hear these original beats returning and peaking through during the duration of the evening. But dynamics started building on top of it. I was oozing with excitement… I couldn’t stop from giggling of pure bliss in the entire experience. First of all I haven’t found owning instruments so to walk into a studio and be allowed to pick an instrument and give it a go is a blessing. So just being there in the first place warmed my heart and soul. The indoor fire pit might have helped to the warmth too… hehe. But then again… being able to kind of hear a way to sync with the sounds was happening… not to the extent by the fire… but there was something there. I’m still so new to this language I could feel myself finding a simple beat but desire to explore to add more complimentary variety which at times worked but mostly just the potential for something… hehe… it was funny to listen back to the two and a half session the owner recorded for us. During the jam I knew at times I was on but majority being a bit off…hehe… but when I watched it again… I was like holy shit.. there was so much of the music being played by the players that I missed. It’s not like I couldn’t hear them… but I was so focused that I missed their communication of brilliance that I was able to hear in the video… but also telling the drummer… hey girl… shush a bit… there’s some amazing juice here and you’re not adding to the flavor right now… but I know that I can’t learn without going through that struggle of giving it a chance and explore the mistakes to gain confidence. It was fun to struggle through the jam. I could hear the moments where everyone’s musicality was increasing and peaking and I could feel it but couldn’t execute reciprocation of balanced harmony… but I was definitely reciprocating elevated energetic enthusiasm. I want to be able to express myself in every way possible. Again a new language I’m being introduced to where I have a desire to learn and I understand that I’m ready to attract more of this in my life and hell yeah… finally!!! Not that having it any sooner would’ve been better… I wouldn’t have been ready for it… so it’s the perfect timing with the perfect people and the perfect situation… so I wouldn’t have appreciated it if it was before the time it was. I had to gain enough confidence to even exist in this space and so it’s exciting to see I’ve gotten to this point. There’s so much I would like to express but feel like my words are going to be falling short per usual. But I’ve got some cool stuff in the next week that I’ll briefly mention. Yesterday the girl from the hostel needs a place to stay in Indy while she’s working so a message went out to see if anyone can help her out. There weren’t anyone responding and I started to think about a recent buddy I met downtown who has a cool spot and feel like he would be open to this because it seems like he’s craving some attention. So I messaged him and he said he’s down. As I messaging to let them know I have an option… I started to think… hey I’ve been wanting to stay with him too so we can talk about creating apps and websites… so I mentioned I’ll join her at this spot. I’ll pick her up and drop her off from work. I messaged her last night and I’m going to take her to the goodwill outlet when she gets off work and give her some practice time driving on the highway in the city while she’s here. She’s so stinking adorable… I’m so happy we met… yeah I feel like I can get that sister feeling I don’t share with my younger sisters… so I’m loving it. She’ll be going back to Wisconsin next week to get her driver’s license so she can go volunteer in Asheville for the hurricane recovery. But yeah… so heading there today, spending the night with them, hangout out more with my new buddy on Thursday before returning back to my hometown so I can pick up my childhood girl friend on Friday… so we can spend a few days together. She’s willing to share time with me even though her dogs won’t be able to come with us. We’ll be going to the hostel… the manager is hosting a wild game party which will serve meats he hunted and then have games including the Chicken game I’ve spoken about. We’re going a day early to help setup and prepare for the event. People will be showing up Saturday… and that day will be filled with laughter I’m sure. Sunday is up in the air… I’m not sure if we’ll stay one more night at the hostel or if we’ll go ahead and continue down to Kentucky early. I met a beautiful soul during the intention convention who invited me to come to her home in Lexington for a dinner party and ecstatic dance party at her home. She said that we could spend the night too which is awesome! So we’ll head back home on Tuesday. Again I have these ideas of how things will go… but I’m trying to be more open to spontaneity. This will be the general outline and guidance… but so curious to experience all the details. Ok… I want to start getting myself together before I head out. Until next time… enjoy! here’s a clip that i made for IG reel on first jam session, but not last IMB_75Bb6b.mp4

For some, Estate Normie was wonderful: clean streets, mail that arrived on time, and sensible work from morning to evening collecting things and measuring the estate. These citizens, Normies, were much valued by the Estate Master: Lord Future. Lord future enjoyed power, and the Normies were most suspectable to the allures of his! Work hard he told them, give me all your present time, and all your present energy, and most of your present life and in the future you shall be rewarded! Perhaps an Estate like this one, although given your humble background likely much smaller and otherwise deflated, for you to age in your final days. For this beneficence and self-less kindness, Lord Future was the beloved of the Normies. And thus did they find most unfathomable a small, almost otherworldly minority: the Divergent. O "those divergent," the Normies thought to themselves! Always lacking proper sense, proposing "new ideas" and distracting from respectable road and weather chatter to motor-mouth about some bizzarro new notion (like self-actualization). What need we for "new" when the old works! But even through this, many of the Normies secretly envied the Divergents and thus enjoyed the subtle pleasure of controlling them, as eager deputies, for Lord Future (whose powers were more phantom-like than real!) How delicious to catch a Divergent a few minutes late for labor or delayed on a project because life! What is life if not serving the Estate, our (Normie) future! Inside his mansion, rich in marble and fine carpets and foreign wines, Lord Future viewed with pleasure from his balcony the marvelous economy he created before himself, his profitable Normie Estate that each moment gave him bliss (as much bliss as a man like him can feel)! What a fool thinks that life is meant for tomorrow and not today! How most appropriate and advantageous to himself, the Lord Future, thought to himself, that the Normies disagreed and the Divergents were too few and divided to break out of the Estate (which legend has it used to be theirs). For if they ever did, they'd behold the fresh farmlands and vineyards and free flowing waters just beyond the Estate. And what is a Lord without serfs?

Maybe I wanted domestic tranquility. Maybe I craved domestic bliss. Either way it was supposed to be something really powerful. What happens when you hate life?

No, too much suffering has already happened and still is happening, time to try another way, Peace/Bliss path for sure, much less suffering this way...but I don't know if this will happen within this or next generation, probably not...,

@Razard86 interesting. Let's see where this takes us while expanding on the self worth issue. As far as I remember my issues with self love became much worse after a messed up sexual incident from when I was six and my mom accused me of molesting my sister. This was worsened by my father abandoning me and of course I blamed myself for that too. I have been trying to love myself all along but it literally felt impossible. I tried to reestablish my sense of self worth by placing really high standards on myself like sexual purity, leaving a legacy after my death, commitment to truth which ultimately brought me to actualized.org even though truth hurts me and I might not actually like it, deep intelligence and wisdom, and justifying my existence through living a higher purpose beyond things like sex and relationships. I'm not actually Christian, but I developed Christ like standards and began to self sacrifice. I viewed purpose as something that would give me the will and strength to live. I discovered I was capable of self deception when I told myself it was just nightmare and I tried to love myself by avoiding self deception and facing the truth no matter how painful, but I still felt unlovable. All I do is hurt myself even when I try to love myself. One of my therapists suggested that my self worth is wrapped up in constant self punishment leading to intense shame. And of course it wasn't just one incident, there was a lot of chaos in my childhood which eventually built up into suicidal thoughts and other problems as I got older. I'm pausing a lot as I type, sometimes wanting to cry and wanting to die. I'll keep doing my best no matter how hopeless and how much of a broken record I sound like for complaining about my problems. Most people don't want to here this stuff. Sometimes I talk about this stuff because this type of sexual trauma is not well known and discussed. I have met people carrying intense shame for child sex abuse in which they were perpetrators as children. These people are suicidal, nobody loves them or wants to hear from them, and they live their lives in constant darkness. I was the first to validate the feelings of these people because I know this kind of stuff makes You want to kill yourself and others would celebrate. I want this kind of suffering to be better known because it is a deeply taboo subject that is ignored, causing children to commit suicide. I'm actually trying to be good, but other people cannot see that. I don't allow children to suffer like this, and I protect them. I considered making a support group for people like this because this kind of support group doesn't exist. It shows too much compassion for child molesters and is thus demonized because suicide is preferred from society's point of view. Remember most child sex abuse is perpetrated by other youth, not adults. Obviously I'm not minimizing the suffering of the victim, but if ever I speak of this, it will be interpreted that way and I will appear as a devil. You mentioned that I am not in control of what I like and dislike. I thought I was. This meant that I was responsible for the problems caused by the fact that I like board games and strategy games and I would enjoy being a professional chess player. The career is impractical and it looks like I'm sabotaging my long term life so long as I don't give up and keep trying. I don't see what kind of long term life is worth living anyway. In reality chess does not give enough value to society. I actually love training kids for chess tournaments and then I watch them win. My desire to be a professional chess player and help others achieve it is seen as a fundamental problem with me because of what I like. Apparently, I'm supposed to just accept that this was never a realistic goal for me and then somehow find happiness doing something else. I find it extremely demoralizing when I'm repeatedly told I need to give up because I'm not good enough due to my life circumstances and birth iq no matter how much effort and accomplishments I have in this field. Somehow personal development is supposed to solve the fundamental problem that I like chess tournaments and teach me to be content with life by forcing myself to do something more valuable to society even if I don't enjoy it. The only way to compensate the misery this causes me is by doing something so grandiose that it would be worth sacrificing my happiness. All of these options are unobtainable and unrealistic anyway. Therefore, the end is that I'm stuck in a shitty job I hate no matter how hard I try. The problem is that I'm supposed to like something else and be passionate about something practical and then I can follow my passions. This is the reality of personal development no matter how it is marketed on the surface. All of this sounds like complete bullshit to me and I don't feel motivated at all. I don't have the energy and enthusiasm I used to have when teaching children how to win tournaments. It logically follows that if I like things that don't contribute objective value to society, then they should be discarded in favor of things I don't like. In my case, I also like videogames. Playing videogames does not contribute objective value to society even if it makes me happy like board games. If I want to build a life worth living, then I must instead force myself to read personal development books even if I don't enjoy it. This helped me to further accumulate wisdom that I used to help suicidal people when combined with deep self reflection. I therefore provided objective value to society by not doing what I liked and instead doing what I disliked. I logically understand that I am good person for saving people from suicide, but I still don't feel happy because my happiness was sacrificed a long time ago. I have done so much research on psychology that I often prove more helpful then actual therapists. There are far too many incompetent therapists and I know better than them despite their college education. Sometimes they oversimplify spiritual views they don't understand, leading to the pre trans fallacy due to their lack of interest in philosophy, probably because they thought mere philosophy has no objective value for society. Sometimes they don't take me seriously when I'm the victim of sexual harassment. I am more sensitive to how society constructs a perceived "justice" by either dismissing a person's grievances as if they are just whiney bitches because they don't want to hear it or by weaponizing accusations by making every negative assumption until any defense seems impossible in their eyes. This is the reality of what humans call "justice" and it is full of socially constructed survival games and complete bullshit. Society treated me like I was a whiney bitch for complaining about sexual harassment and the difficult social dynamics it was creating for me and my therapist didn't see this. Aside from this there are also therapists who dogmatically apply therapeutic principles without regard for individual uniqueness or they insist on tough love for trauma victims. Therapy is designed for shallow minded people, thus my intelligence will be underestimated leading to bad advice. Sometimes they try to solve my problems by getting me to date despite severe depression, of they have reasons, but they don't see the full picture. Apparently, it is hard to find a good therapist for someone with autism like me leading to all this disappointment. On the bright side I actually like studying psychology and it provides objective value for society. The actual goal of personal development and life purpose is to like and be passionate about something that is practical and provides objective value to society. I have accomplished this by studying psychology. I just do it for free instead of making money because I see this as basic human decency to support people who need help. I have been treating personal development as something that is supposed to fundamentally change who I am. Who I am is the problem so long as my dreams are impractical and unvalued because of what I like and dislike. You are suggesting that I use spirituality to love who I am. I have been trying to love myself all along. I have been trying to do this all my life. I have the proof that I am valuable and society would be worse off if I killed myself. This is what I remind myself of when I try to fight my suicidal thoughts. I still struggle to love myself despite having a ton of proof. I have a lot of automatic shame and guilt due to trauma and it leads to me having muscle spasms and instinctively beating myself up for being evil no matter how much my logical mind tells me this isn't true. I am a deeply logical person and this is pointed out by my life coaches. They think I'm not as in touch with my emotional side because I seem robotic sometimes. I actually studied a lot of books on emotional mastery and did a lot of mindfulness meditation and exercises. I am more emotionally wise than others realize. There is just a tendency to project bad faith as humans inevitably do, leading it to be impossible to be understood. In a sense I am both extremely emotional and extremely logical because I use logic to cope with extreme emotions. Do I need to be more logical or more emotional? In reality people who are suicidal might do it because they logically conclude that their life sucks and they can avoid suffering through death. Maybe I'm not emotional enough instead of logical enough. Intellectually I know I am love, but I'm still full of so much shit that I don't live my life in bliss over how awesome I am objectively. Maybe I'm not logical enough instead of emotional enough. Maybe logic and emotion is a false dichotomy. I was under the impression that true spirituality meant plugging 5meo dmt up my ass and realizing that I am God. That is what Leo would do because God is also love. I thought that spirituality would give me another chance to love myself by reconextualizing my entire life and fundamentally changing my identity. I can't be conscious enough to realize I am God because I haven't plugged 5meo dmt up my ass. This is why I struggle with love. Based on what I wrote in this short, brief, quick post, that took me three hours to write you seem to be correct that fundamentally, I want to be treated with respect, be comfortable pursuing what I love, and I want to share love with others. I think you were insightful in that regard. I will have to think about what I would tell my child or my best friend of they were in this position. If it were a child, then obviously I would make the struggles of a chess career clear, but I would be willing to support him all along the way to the best of my abilities to ensure your dream becomes a reality and you don't have to suffer all this regret from unrealized dreams on your death bed as if it is your fault for not being good enough or for being who you are. For a best friend stuck at a shitty job with a shitty family and suffering from a lot of shitty mental health issues because of very shitty trauma while feeling shitty because of unobtainable goals and Christ like standards, then I would give him a hug. I would tell him that you deserve to be loved even though you are seemingly fucked because of your shitty life. There are no easy answers, but I want to be there to support you in what ever way I can as you cling to the hope that one day your life will not be as shitty as it presently is even though your presently shitty life makes you want to kill yourself. It will not solve your problems, but love is all I can offer you. Any thoughts? Thank you so far.

@Ishanga Indeed, just yesterday a moderator said to me that I was doing 'stretching and breathing exercises' 😂 I think that is the main problem. They see people do Asanas and they just think you align your body in those ways to calm yourself or to exercise the body. They do not understand an Asana when you master it is like an instant click for consciousness, a single Asana like Nadi vibhajan has given me extreme levels of Bliss and pure infinite perception, over and over. But most importantly they do not know until I firstly understood what Nadi Vibhajan is, it took me almost 2 years of practice almost each day. I probably did Nadi vibhajan more than 1400-1500 times before for the first time I actually did it correctly. 😂 Now lately I am doing Surya Kriya, and since I already have a certain platform of understanding, the Asanas already are starting to open up big things, but if I had started Surya Kriya 3 years ago, before any previous Yoga sadhana, I would just think is like a series of stretching or calming exercises. An apparent Kriya such as Surya Kriya is incredibly sophisticated, every detail of it is carefully put in place for a reason, nothing is random, but from the outside it might look like you are just simply stretching and oxygenating your body. Things are not what they seem. Yeap, seems you are putting the work 👏

Not so, this is just conditioned into Us so we remain slaves to a system for the elite to benefit from, that Suffering is necessary and a part of life, that is not so.. One can travel the path of Peace, Clarity and Bliss and do all things necessary for life to go on and advance and be much more beneficial to the masses but they internally are unaffected by it via any outcome, and know Reality as it is...that is not possible via the Suffering route..