Adrian colby

I don’t know if this is of any help but I have identified as a boy/man and male for the majority of my life. In the beginning I was believing what I was told by my parents, peers, culture but something kicked in around 5 years old that didn’t reflect everyone identifying me as a girl. It was persistent and severely distressing so I was treated in my teens when I was finally referred to a clinic after years of therapists, psychiatrists ending in a suicide attempt. My ‘feelings’ turned out to have a biological basis. Although I looked female, I had gonadal disgenesis which wasn’t known till my teens when I was tested for disorders during my diagnosis process. I participated in a study in 2014 that showed I had a mutation in one of my genes that is typical of males but not females. It cannot currently be tested but I speculate my BNSTi in my hypothalamus falls into the male range as this is what is seen in brain autopsy studies of transgenders. There is an argument over neurological studies as the standard deviation and error bars issue in the research methodology shows too much overlap between the sexes but a recent development by a professor Menon ( Stanford university) taught an AI with large American and European samples of ‘cis’ gendered male and female brains by fMRI and identified three regions that seem to be sex specific. When the AI was used to identify the next set of scans, it identified whether the person was male or female ( as in they are both biologically and identify congruently) with above 90% accuracy. If the incorrect identifications are ironed out, or the reason possibly being these people are actually biologically variant but don’t know, then this will end the statistical overlap argument and potentially be used as a diagnostic tool. ( just for context, it was created as a tool to be used for helping diagnose neurological disorders that are sex specific. There has been no use of the method on trans but the software is available for anyone who should like to do this) having gone through awakening, I know I am ‘awareness’ and both identity and the perception of the body and all things in the objective universe are a construction of the mind. but if I were to come back into this ‘character or avatar’ that I’m experiencing I would say that it contains biological attributes of both sexes that in whatever combination or whichever attribute is predominant, expresses as a male gender. I as this avatar am not male or female but both. Whichever factor was predominant is what has swayed me to go to conformity within the societal expectation of a male/man. I do not identify as trans and do not engage with the lgbt community. I got my treatment and reintegrated back into the society I came from.( I believe a lot of problem stem from the creation of trans as an identity rather than a description of a biological variant) while my body ( as does everyone’s) contains dimorphic structures that can change to either male or female via chemical triggers( secondary characteristic), anything that required physical development during gestation has been surgically altered to the best of a surgeons ability so my superficial, bodily appearance is male. While I can orgasm I do not have the reproductive or hormonal production of either male or female and never have. That is managed artificially. My condition is invisible and doesn’t exist in day to day life. I fulfill my role as a man, a husband, a brother and a son and my condition doesn’t exist until I mention it and it forms in the mind of a person who is told. Pre conceived beliefs begin to be projected onto me and ‘their’ behavior changes. The reality was their direct experience prior to me telling them anything which was completely normal. After telling them, they start projecting their ideas onto me. This has prompted me to never talk about it for both my and the other persons sake. For me to create discomfort in a weak minded person who cannot control their own thoughts and resulting behavior would not be very conscious of me so I no longer do it. Since dissolving the ego somewhat there is no need or feeling to justify my identification. It just is. if this stuff is to be taught to young children then it should be approached holistically encompassing not just variations but the two binaries between which that spectrum appears. All of it needs to be taught with equal importance. Sexual Biology ‘is’ binary in a human and that is the male or female deviation of a dimorphic structure of which there are many in the body. Multiple simplex binary structures can all be coherent or sometimes incoherent causing complex variants we see as the many emergent genders. thats only one explanation but we can’t forget there is the purely psychological recognition of social constructs and those who loosen themselves from that regardless of the biological underlying attributes. both exist. Everything we know is highly complex and emergent from a simplex unity. the complexity of our culture and the understanding of biology and our higher psychological faculties is not something that can be taught to a child. We only know these things from having gone through all these experiences, overcoming our animalistic reactions and becoming more aware of our cognitive functions, studying, contemplating and regaining mastery over them. perhaps it would be better to teach children awareness and awareness of complexity instead of trying to break the complexity appart to save them from the experiences they inherently have to go through to learn?

Waking up to social constructs is a phase in evolution for being of higher cognitive function, it doesn’t tend to ignore underlying sexual biology.( a non binary doesn’t reject their sex just the expectation of a gender role based on it historically) not to generalise as there are some who wish to interfere with their biology depending on the level of dysphoria they experience. biological dimorphisms will inherently emerge as incoherent in some people hence transgender or intersexed but it is rare and that’s not what we are seeing at the moment. the two are not the same yet both can be influenced by the idea of the other. Normalising it politically can and has backfired by stigmatising those that don’t agree or that have made a mistake and are ignored because admitting it looks bad to the community even thought it doesn’t effect them only the ones being harmed by very loose policy. I think it shouldn’t be advertised or publicly promoted but rather a private decision where the person is left to their own devices and respected as such and allowed to get on with their lives ( I believe the problem arises in those who want to shout it about, demanding attention and rubbing it in peoples faces) medical intervention shouldn’t be given to young people unless they meet the original diagnostic criteria of persistent historical gender identity that continues on into their teens. This original treatment model worked but the affirmation model more recently introduced which was meant to be the loosening of criteria for genuine cases ( de pathologising and reducing distress over the treatment waiting times) has dropped the filters that would have screened out people with mental health issues and those confused by cultural conformity. The clinics are reintroducing the old model but the advocates and community see it as phobic when it actually doesn’t affect them, it simply filters out those who should not be there. other cultures /tribes have had severe interventions normalised, like bodily mutation, decoration, etc. this is nothing new. the phase may come and go but I do think the public persona of it is just further indentification and justification to conform to a trend with a degree of attention seeking to be seen as being in a culturally ‘right’ and progressive way of thinking.

I don’t know about other substances but research on psilocybin shows neurogenesis. That would increase one’s processing of the ‘awareness’ signal capacity while embodied. But so too does flooding the body with oxygen( breathwork or oxygen chamber).

I think it was timing. Lockdowns and freedom from work and obligation left me with the time to contemplate and deconstruct everything. There were certainly some catalysts that pushed me that direction that accelerated into an awakening fairly quickly. Most of the practices involve extracting the mind or awareness from any objective, sensory experience. It goes back to rest/infinity and then starts to construct anything and everything( hence the vivid imagery) The trick is becoming conscious of how it is the mind that is creating/ imagining it all. Watching what the mind does. In a sober trip there can be absolutely no fear and complete relaxation or you suddenly jolt out of it. It isn’t easy which is why I say more often now days I go to the mushroom ceremonies, doing it the lazy way or just needing a safe space and time away from everything once or twice a year. Experimenting with the mushrooms once I quieted my mind for the whole trip and nothing happened. There was no trip because my mind was silent and created nothing.

I did a lot of philosophy, psychology and objective retroduction that led to a full blown awakening. I was sober and sitting in a chair at the time. I got the deepest understanding of the nature of reality at that moment and had never heard of actualisation, spirituality or psychedelics. I was only trying to teach myself how to discern truth. I was aggressively atheistic and went into shock when I dissolved and was confronted with what ‘is’ and being one and the same as it. i came across psychedelics when I went looking for answers as to what happened where it was said that you could experience this on 5MeO so I went to try it to contrast it with what I experienced. It was similar but with allot more buzzy energy. i didn’t need the substance to get into that state, I needed the groundwork. And it is much the same now as it was then. Unless I do the ground work the substances are useless. They are a tool to help loosen from the objective reality. ive taken 5 meo many times, mushrooms, ayahuasca and cannabis. Hell I even had a white light experience on a bottle of wine! But so did the floatation tank. ayahuasca was the second experience that showed me where to focus inward and go into those states of consciousness but I had to actively intend to set up the scenario to figure it out. The plant didn’t do that for me, my mind did. with a a bit of practice I was able to sit and have full blown vivid fractal trips ( internal) just sitting in a chair sober. it is always sober contemplation and training the mind that cause my insights. The psychedelic just give a more vivid direct experience of it when I’m feeling lazy or too overwhelmed in life to do the work. I used to get exited about psychedelics in the beginning and promote and push them but I realise better now that you never push something on someone. Even healing. It’s no one’s right to do that. You continue the journey and only help if someone asks. Pushing something is part of a righteous identity. Psychedelics can be used as tools to help along the way but they do not do it for you. Look at all the recreational users out there who haven’t got a clue about any of this.

I do apologise I tend to get carried away and write essays.sometimes just for the sake of parlance. It was tough back then but it’s okay now. Im completely grateful for the experience and for awakening. I no longer have emotional reactions to these issues having stepped out of the identification and objective reality altogether. The clarity that has caused is quite a peaceful existence. If I hadn’t moved on. I would never have been able to analyse the situation without bias. it’s much more interesting to look at the issue as a whole with all the different perspectives when one is not attached or cheering for only one side with the added benefit of direct experience. with JK,it would be interesting to do regression with her feelings to find if it’s just a once off incident in her life or if there’s been a pattern of reaction that is similar to different types of incidents. We’ll never know. I don’t hate or feel anger towards her rather I recocognise a lack of self confidence. She doesn’t need to justify herself for being herself by having to compare and contrast. If only someone could tell her that. There’s a deep seated hatred of men in there somewhere and the incroaching on her space🤔. I won’t go there. Too much speculation.

It’s more a case that she’s approaching the issue from a very narrow perspective and applying it across the board. From the comments I’ve heard her making it seems she perceives it as a personal threat to her own identity or the identity of women without thinking about the biological variants in our species or the realisation of conceptual constructs which are the complexity that emerge from many simplex/ dimorphic sexual structures throughout the body. The sudden and very liberal change of political attitude, while well intentioned, has inadvertently caused a free for all so disingenuous opportunists have been allowed through without a filter ( this filter was part of the original diagnostic and treatment model). What jk and others are pointing out is this issue but they are so frustrated with no one listening that they have become angry and hateful applying the issue to genuine cases as well which comes across as trying to stamp them all out of society. Whether she is aware of the difference I don’t know but it doesn’t seem that way. It’s like the sudden change of attitude of people against Muslims after 9/11. Suddenly because of a few extremist bad eggs, the whole community is suspect? That’s flawed thinking. I do agree that lgbt members or people who identify with it do have a highly sensitive and victim like mentality but as I’ve said already, individuals in the community have been subject to descrimination in history so collectively the lot are still suffering from generational trauma and haven’t been given the space to heal from it. From a higher perspective they are so Intrenched in ego and identity which is the core of the problem, it makes it far harder to ‘awaken’ from that, let go and heal.

‘Consistent’ is the hard part and for me to consider it a successful attempt I need to be aware from start to finish. i ‘wake up’ plenty of times in what could be described as a fractal realm or lucid state in a body that’s not mine but the obe I deliberately practiced only happened once ( two consecutive extperiences back to back). I used to do it consistently as a teen but never went further than my house.

I noticed it over 20 years ago. I was born with gonadal disgenesis but got lumped into the trans category by the doctors who at the time didn’t have much of a clue. I didn’t have phones or computers back then and there was nothing in the media. I was on my own with nothing to influence me. I knew what I was and that’s not what people were seeing externally and that was the greatest source of frustration turning to a raging anger. It felt like deliberate offense and disrespect but I know better now. Dissolving further till the ego was gone completely showed that this avatar contained biology of both male and female and that is just the way it is. There was a purpose and it has taught me a lot. never mind feeling something was off with myself but when I was put in touch with the small support group in my country I got the head bitten off me for asking simple questions as to what could be causing the condition. Fine I had it but I wanted to know why. Any suggestion or wanting to start a conversation to hash out possibilities ended in me being cast out of the group and ignored. This was 20 years ago when I was the youngest in the country to be treated. I also noticed with the lgbt scene in the city that people’s personas changed to fit a particular type of mannerism or expectation to ‘belong’ and I backed away from that too as I just wanted to reintegrate back into society, not further my exclusivity from it. Go back to normalcy as a man and not be skipping about the place identifying as ‘trans’.( people can do that if they want but I don’t agree with it.) i spoke with the head of the gender clinic here who noticed sudden change in the demographic since about 2014 and we’re basically looking at a phenomena called ‘Rapid onset gender dysphoria’ that may or may not be associated with genuine occurrences of transgenderism. ( there is a problem there in teens in particular with a link to autism in allot of cases.) it’s speculated to be a result of normalising the condition to integrate a very small group of people into society safely but it seems to have backfired in the way they are teaching it in schools in particular which leaves kids with the expectation they must be trans if they feel a bit of discomfort in themselves coming into their teens. this is made worse by the change in the diagnostic and treatment models adopted by the clinics. In my day there was a strict set of protocols and diagnosis criteria that had to be met including history of persistent claim of the sexual identity that had to be proven for two years after diagnosis before any treatment could be given. The model now is affirmation that just accepts a kids declaration with no question or medical investigation and no previous claims of the identity being persistent in childhood, it just suddenly appears! The previous model was at least able to filter out psychiatric issues. there was a fight to stop the long wait for treatment as there were individuals including myself who were literally on suicide watch cause we couldn’t take it anymore.( if I had been told I would be 27 by the time all my treatment would be completed… the Dysphoria was so severe it wouldn’t have been worth living) thankfully I was transferred to a European clinic and it was decided I would be treated immediately. I spent the next ten years trying to get legal recognition which eventually happened so I’m currently living life, married my wife, own a business and a house. No one knows about my condition because I don’t use it or identify with it. The last thing I wanted was for the whole thing to blow up into a high profile issue making it look like there are thousands of us taking over. It’s simply not true. the current problem with the rise in kids and teens coupled with the isolated perverted cases being extrapolated into the entire community has turned what was going so well, into a complete shit show. The negligence and lack of care in clinic now days is completely unacceptable. Activists see it as an attack on the trans community but no one is bothering to notice that there are kids getting hurt! The closure of the clinic in the uk has left genuine cases without treatment so they are getting hurt by all this fighting too. People are just swinging from one extreme to another without looking at the situation, it’s all fuelled by ideology, beliefs and emotion. the argument Rowling makes perplexed me when I first heard it and that was that her identity as a woman was being attacked and recategorised. I found it amusing that her complaint basically insinuated that another person external to herself was defining her own ability to declare or recognise herself as a woman. That sounds like a lack of self confidence and blaming the fact that there are different types of women appearing out there. I understand how she sees it but it is predominantly hateful. She doesn’t seem to understand Radcliffe and tompsons upset because they have friends who are trans. People they hang out with who have never hurt them and it is upsetting to see them being labelled as some abomination or threat to mankind. im fully aware of the self centred nature of some of these people but they are reacting in a defensive manner as the generational trauma of the group hasn’t had the space to heal yet. This new onslaught of the trans community has poked an already wounded beast so to speak and we see activists and some lgbt individuals getting quite violent as a result. I understand why but it’s still no excuse for the behaviour. I didn’t spend ten years of my life fighting in court for a legal right to recognition for the next generation to wipe their identities in everyone’s face. I’m deeply disappointed. it’s also disturbing to sit in plant medicine ceremonies and be a part of that ‘spiritual’ community listening to religion and right wing sentiments influence and infiltrate the community. Watching people I have a deep love for suddenly go on trans topic as I sit in the corner thinking if I were to ever say a word about my own story, I would be in immediate danger of being attacked due to the level of disgust and anger being vented by them.

You’re full of great quotes! 🤗

It’s still in contemplation as to what that work is going to be but I do find that when I’m around spiritual groups / plant medicine tribe etc there is still a very immature level of consciousness. I had an individual contact me for council recently who was struggling with a full source experience that completely trashed any last sense of new age or religious nonsense and showed it all as bullshit. I had to explain it like different classes in a school. Each person holds onto something depending on their level of development so shouldn’t be judged or coerced but guided along by their own desire to know till they are ready to let go of their comforter. (You don’t teach calculus to a first grader as they don’t have the foundation of math required to understand or use it). I can guide others well yet don’t quite know how to focus my own work into something productive and purposeful. there aren’t many around who understand true awakening, metaphysics etc and as there are more and more people having spontaneous experiences with the increase in mindfulness, yoga, plant medicine now, I find myself trying to calm people on the brink of psychosis who have no foundational groundwork in their own psychology or metaphysics prior to having their subjective self burst wide open and then massive ego backlashed afterwards. personally I don’t know whether to cater for the advanced or for the individuals who find their way in because of trauma and suffering. part of me says to raise everyone, raise the ones on the lower rungs of the ladder first and keep the advanced stuff for my own private practices and personal development. i guess in that way I would use what I have learned to go into a different method of psychology counselling. Specialising in something instead of tackling the whole universe. I am a component of a collective of others who would have their niches too, together it supports the whole but would have to all recognise that( all too often you see niches dismissing one another by the very narrow view they have stuck themselves in)

Have to be careful about spiritual psychosis and believing an entity perceived as external has your best interests at heart let alone existent outside your own mind at all. reincarnating could be seen in the same way as you dream. If you have not yet liberated your mind from the idea of being human, your mind perpetually creates the body. If you dream, you would think you would find yourself a floating invisible ball of awareness witnessing everything but you find your mind reconstructs your body even there. You wouldn’t reincarnate if your mind had let go of the idea of the body. If you can change your appearance in a dream, you know you are part of the way there. beliefs about spirits can occur during transcendental experiences but it is wise to understand that traps of the mind can happen at all levels. If the mind is trying to achieve liberation and enlightenment then all these stories are a distraction to keep you from seeing through it all. ( I don’t dismiss other realms or spirits or entities in different levels of perception. Anything at all possible can occur anywhere but the entire spectrum of infinite experiences you can have are not the absolute truth. It’s important to keep that in mind with regard to whether seeking the absolute or just exploring infinite consciousness).

sends me right back to first infinity experience 🤗🔥❤️

Access to multiple perspectives from others that have a higher development of intellect, reasoning, awareness, meta analysis and genuine curiosity about the nature of reality. other forums or social media tend to descend into attack or defence reactively instead of responsibly. it is not for the faint hearted or egoic mind here and can be seen as a harsh environment for one not used to taking responsibility for one’s perspectives or questioning them. A lot of spiritual groups can be ‘love and light’ but completely ignore genuine inner transformational work. it’s not really a matter of survival even though putting one’s self through a blender and rearranging it can better prepare one for going out and navigating the world relative to the infinite diversity out there without perceiving it as traumatic or struggling with its complexity. doing the theory in here is almost like a safe space for contemplative meditation, feedback and experiment. having direct experience of source is one thing but going on to explore the universe is another. Choosing what to become interested in and explore is probably the most difficult part. having said that I don’t spend allot of time here. I check in from time to time. The work is out there now where when the awakenings started I would be glued to in here.

Etimology of the word consciousness comes from Greek ‘with knowing’ old platonic texts describe it as the emergent phenomenon of the combining of spirit and matter (spirit being awareness and matter being a disturbance of spirit that vibrates at a rate beyond its capacity taking on solid properties in order to embody and experience something finite) if matter or the body is like a radio and spirit is a signal, then consciousness is the broadcast or what we see as the effect of awareness in a body. It ends at the death of the body or smashing of the radio but the signal is still there( everywhere and nowhere) The signal can still retain impressions or modulations of the consciousness personality or what it has held onto or identified as, fears, patterns etc but it is no longer embodied. To be in the material world and interact relative to other objects is to accumulate knowledge (epistemology) keep in mind that knowledge is not the same as wisdom. Knowledge is ontological ignorance as awareness or spirit looks away from itself towards its imaginings. Where wisdom comes from going through that process and awareness turning back towards itself having gained a higher perspective from the contrast. Gnosis of what it is by retroduction of what it does.