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About theleelajoker

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  1. After a few weeks (that feel like a lifetime) have passed I want to share some experiences and conclusions I made since my first post: I went to 3 day vipassana reatreat, this time with different mindset and the simple intention to relax and let go no matter what This meant e.g. I went against the instructions (be "perfectly equanimous" - which just created pressure if you are not "perfect") , some parts of the daily schedule, mediation instructions and other small things that did not "feel right" to me Findings (= My opinion, not saying these are fact. Happy to discuss) The vipassana technique is great, the teachings aren't. They are repressive, just as said before by @Breakingthewall The mind is nothing that needs to be controlled or worked against - it's just doing its job, even trying to help. As soon as I not only observed thoughts but welcomed them with a friendly curiosity, many things clicked. And at some point the mind was super calm without any effort. There was a crazy point where I was "empty" and there were no more thoughts to be thought. No pressure, no force, no effort - just everything that wanted to be thought by the mind was already expressed. The mind tries to help but can only project the future from past experiences. Sometimes this helps (fire was hot yesterday - fire hurt - better not touch fire today) and there was a time where thoughts/emotions/ behavior by the mind made 100% sense. It was adequate in the context of a certain point of time. But since things change all the times, we need to learn when to follow the suggestions of the mind and when not to. But not by fighting it - rather by treating the mind (i.e. one part of us --> ourselves) gently like we would treat our own child ("look, I know why you think that. I understand why. I appreciate your suggestion. But you see, things have changed because...") Following this, there is nothing about the mind that's need to be purified or even controlled - it just needs to be integrated A key information was the "inner family system" (e.g. different parts of our psyche / personality) that people wrote about here. No matter what, integrate it - it's yourself after all. This applies on psychological level, but also on the big picture: If we are all just parts of the "godhead" - I am bothered by another person's behavior, I am bothered by my "own" behavior. This person is simply the "external extension" of one of my own parts of my personality (see also the "mirror laws") Same goes with any pain. Someone else wrote in this forum "the pain signal is the healing signal" (can't remember who did) and it is so true Point no 7 applies to any emotional or physical pain. Just feeling it with curiosity, welcoming it makes it not only go away. It makes me free. (physical meaning in this context pain e.g. from meditation sitting, not pain like "I just broke my leg in a car accident") As I changed, and stopped trying to change others, they started to change. I almost could not believe my eyes and ears but clearly could see it in other peoples behavior. Tat tvam asi -you are it. Always. In every daily interaction, thoughts, struggle, conflict. It is all there because "I" want it to happen. So why fight it? Having this thought in mind helps me tremendously to avoid suffering (oc, I still have pain etc - but right now I don't suffer over suffering as much as I did). Learning and applying the points above as best as I can I feel as "good" (meaning balanced, calm, equanimous) as I have never before. Happy to hear opinions on this!
  2. Thx for writing this. I started reading about IFS and all I am thinking is .."oh" It's just like you said - meditation helps to see parts. I also feel the blockages, chakras etc - when reading through your post, it all connects for me . Thanks. Don't ever judge any of those parts - that's at least what I learned for me. Never ever do it, even those parts that feel like they distract you from IFS. I do my best to always welcome it with curiosity. That's the big revelation from my last meditation retreat.
  3. Nice words. Especially the quote above is something I am just starting to grasp through experience.
  4. I often wondered what is actually my "intuition" and what are thoughts that I might mistake for intuition (or vice versa). I can't say in your case, but what helps me is that thoughts easily change over time while my intuition ("gut feeling") usually stays. To find out keep in touch with what you ponder about. I am optimistic that sooner or later you will know.
  5. Thank you Moskha, again your words do resonate with me. A lot of points you make that seem just right for me in this moment. I feel that some things in my mental structure and approach to life are shifting through the recent experiences and the conversation here. I also feel that if I am not careful, conscious and determined then I might fall back to the old pattern. Just like you described in the litmus test about re-attaching. And I also have the feeling that here all the dots connect: meditation to recognize if and what kind of expectations I build up with my conscious or unconscious mind / thoughts, "the absolute will" that Breakingthewall talked about to get free of the trap while not repressing or judging anything and finally the total game of transient trophies, false promises and false happiness outside of myself. I look forward to this challenge: "using" my mind and my intellect to still do the things in life that I feel like doing (professional goals, family, etc.) but at the same time not building or clinging to any expectation. I like "do not demand the impossible of it" because that is what I (subconsciously) did all the time. And it is so damn funny because it is so simple, so obvious, you can read it everywhere and I even talk about it myself. But I really needed the suffering, the desperation of the last weeks to feel and integrate this truth a bit deeper. Finally I would like to share that I did feel a bit of the light yesterday, walking in the park. Being free of expectation as much as I could all the heaviness of the last weeks was gone, disappeared into nothing. Instead there was a lightness in both my steps and in my mind. I was just happy and content with what is. Did not even want to do anything, just being. When I woke up today, I felt a bit more heaviness again. But I did not judge or loose my calm - instead I am thinking: "And so the game begins again" This time, however, I feel much better prepared to play. @axiom@Breakingthewall@Moksha you all contributed towards this feeling - thank you.
  6. In this moment, I wonder why you think she would do this. Are there signs she might do that? Or are you "seeing" signs that might not be there? (fears / or self sabotage might come into play. Too little information for me to form an opinion on that just putting out the possibility) Is she would do this - forcing choices with an ultimatum is imo not a good idea. If she likes you, she likes you the way you are. Including your "quest for awakening". If she wants you to change I would wonder: Does she like an "expected" version of you that exists in her head only?
  7. In my experience two things are crucial: Trust and Listening. Trust your intuition, not your thoughts. Trust her if your intuition tells you to. Listening is - imo - another absolute superpower in relationships. Listen with the intent to understand what she really wants to express. If you are not sure if you do understand, don't make assumptions (thoughts can be a trap here) but ask respectful questions. Do the same not only for her, but for yourself.
  8. Thank you for the poem. And the suffering & purpose - yes, I understand this more and more on a experiential level. Intellectually I "knew" that but can't really "know" without really experiencing it (I like the term Gnosis for that) I just (re-)discovered this: Few days ago I had a big fight with my girlfriend and was super scared to the idea of breaking up, loosing all we build, the idea of a family etc. I was so attached to this but at some point I was able let go of and said "OK, then it's not meant to be". Crying a lot in this process of burning away these attachments and fears. And also showing these emotions in front of others (showing vulnerability is/was another fear of mine). To my own surprise, I realized letting me feel this pain and expressing it helped me a lot. I was calm and (mostly) in peace with things next time we talked. When I basically had given up the hope to make this work, at some point we both were just able to let go. Almost as if we pressed a magical button labeled "let go". I was able to talk with her openly, including my fears. We made up and I feel the connection stronger than ever before. And although I can't say or know for sure, I have the strong feeling that she had a very similar, a basically mirrored process as I did. Only in a more intuitive (female?) way instead of the logical, rational way I am approaching this (e.g. like discussing things like "suffering", "mind" and "reality" with people like you in this forum )
  9. What you are saying does resonate. I still see value in the Vipassana approach, but there was some imbalance in my way of interpreting and doing it. I believe I got too deep into the "calm your mind" attitude (repression) and too little into the expression of what I am thinking / feeling. The consequence was trying to do something with force, just as you said. And the result was repression and the result of that was feeling shitty, to be blunt. I very often had the feeling of experiencing life as a game. Can you please elaborate a bit more about what you wrote here "you have to unravel its secret, it's like a game." For instance, how you go about playing this game? Triptamine is not an option right now. I do psychedelics but currently its more about integration of my previous experience (mushrooms) before going on another trip. On a side note: The "trap" you talk about reminds me of the Samadhi documentaries. IMO absolutely worth watching. This feels so true right now. I tried to avoid suffering - or what I called "unnecessary suffering". In my mind, there was a logic of some suffering that is necessary to learn and some suffering that I can simply avoid. I thought "hey just do the right things (meditation, sports, be present as much as possible, active social life etc) then I can eliminate "unnecessary suffering" and only necessary suffering remains. I see now that there seems to be a flaw in this logic. 1) How do I know which one is necessary, which is not? 2) Whatever it maybe, I resist suffering. I resist what is. Which does not sound like a good plan at all
  10. I just processing your replies. Thanks for that. I think something is starting to click. 1. Things happen (or seem to); 2. The self (which is entirely illusory) then tries to claim the apparent happening as its own. It believes it either brought it about, or that it somehow owns it. Of course, this is completely untrue because the self does not actually exist I understand "claim the happening" as I am building up a story how it happens, the causalities, what I did etc. ? Is that what people talk about in "do nothing" meditation? I think I am starting to get what you say. I often had the feeling, that I bring myself to this point of anxiety etc just that my suffering becomes so strong, that I have no choice but to let go. I had this experience once during my vipassana retreat. This makes so much sense. What I do not understand is your point about will. I thought "will" = mental activity and thus effort and creating disbalance. Like the analogy with waves in a pond. All of you - thanks a lot for your comments. I already feel much calmer. Facing some of my biggest fears helped. Just feeling things instead of being afraid to feel. And then it is not as bad I thought it would be
  11. Hello Mosksha and axion, thanks for replying. It already helps a little bit, if only that it feels like someone else can somehow relate and even took a few moments to reply. I feel like I am in a very deep emotional crisis, depressed and anxious so every little thing helps. I know it will pass. I just don't feel it yet.
  12. By having fun. All the things you listed can create pressure if you leave off the fun
  13. My personal favorite answer to this I heard from a friend: The world is not the way it is because the way it is now, it is the "best place". It is how it is because the way it is now, it is "the best place to learn what we are supposed to learn".
  14. Hello everybody, this is my first post in this forum. I have read many very helpful posts of other people that is why I decided to post my own questions here. Introduction: I have experiences with psychedelics since 2016 and started Vipassana Mediation in 2019. This year I reduced the psychedelics but increased my meditation practice, most of the time to 1h a day (only Vipassana). On the one hand, Vipassana practice helps me a lot to see things clearly (makes sense as it literally means "insight" and "to see things as they are"). But on the other hand, I am becoming super confused about my reality as well. The intention of this post is to hear your opinions and experiences so I can learn and (maybe) reduce my confusion. Mystical experience example - Hero Journey For instance: I know about Campell's hero journey and since a few weeks, I actually experience my reality as if I am in it. I met a wonderful woman, we are strongly connected and my experiences with her fit the description of meeting the queen goddess in Campell's Journey. Moreover, I had moments where I clearly experienced and recognized the feminine power in her but also in other women. To be honest, those were often quite humbling moments (I call them "teaching moments"). These moments happened right after I read ("coincidentally?") about the yin-yang balance and how the feminine tiger keeps the dragon's power in check so that he does not get over-confident. Well that humbling happened to me and fun note on the side: the woman I date always had a "cat-like" personality and I had called her various predatory cat nicknames even before these teaching moments. Moreover, my 4-year old nice always calls me a dragon as we often played with a toy dragon in the past. There are much more little puzzle pieces and small details to the story and they all fit perfectly, but I think you get the meaning of what I try to describe. These above teaching moments were right on time, because I experienced a lot of synchronicities and a lot of situations where I clearly had the feeling of "OK, I created this moment". I feel more and more how my presents actions create my future and also how it changes my past just by shifting perspective. I read about the "messiah complex" and I think I did fall prey to this, taking myself probably too important - thinking that the world evolves only around me. At the same time, those manifestations show me that I do indeed create my reality - but to what extend? Are we all going through a "Hero/Heroine" journey because this is the archetype of human experience - or is it "me writing the script" of this journey because my mind came in touch with this information, this journey idea earlier? And then, the movie idea of being both the actor of my life and "writing the script" as screen writer of my reality - is this only because I have read "Cosmic game: study of the borders of human consciousness" by Stanislav Grov, where he describes this analogy, a few years ago? Again, am I really experiencing "truth" or just a product of my mind that was fed information by which I create and interpret my current reality? More mystical experiences - reality shifts? I can see myself mirrored in the outside world, in the people I meet. For instance, since I do and talk more about vipassana, or literately ANYTHING else I suddenly meet (random) people everywhere that have done or are about to do it as well. At the same time, they are independent beings right? So am I just connecting with people on the same vibration (law of attraction) or am I "creating" these versions of those people? As in "I shift to the parallel reality" in which those people do the this exact thing I am doing? (this idea kind of goes back to the Bashar teaching I have read). I also believe to recognize "different versions" of me and they seem to come along with something like "test" for me. I don't know what it is - but there is something "alive" in peoples eyes when these situations happen. I clearly and definitely see something in people's eyes that is simply "different" and more alive. Since my increased Vipassana practice, I also have the feeling of "reality shifts". For instance, I feel that if I overcome my fears and express my self truthfully, suddenly a "shift" in reality occurs. I was in a job interview and got offered a project in which I had the feeling I am not suited for. I swallowed my ego and expressed truthfully this assessment. Instead of being told "OK then it's not for you" (= my expectation and my fear) I had a strange feeling that something changed - and I got "rewarded" for my honesty with a "Oh well I know that but I still think the job fits and I would like to offer it to you". As if the person (the character?) itself in front of my fundamentally changed through my action. Situations like this happened many times over many years. Might be "just my fears and negative believe system" about myself but there was definitely a strange feeling of a "shift" in my guts + it also happens without negative believes and fears as in the example before. As in simple conversations in which a person suddenly changed tremendously as reaction of my words / actions. What is "real"? Moreover, I remember "waking up" from deep meditation one day and thinking: "All information I have ever received - it's just outside information. What do I actually "know"? Did for instance medieval times really exist? Is there a real "history" or is it all just "background ambience" in my personal experience, created by me, for me? And even then, some things in this reality must be "fixed", right? As in just because I don't believe in gravity, it still will be there tomorrow. And by posting this here - am I posting this to me in some way? Am I creating the person (or the version of the person) answering to this post or did and does the person already exist independently from me? Finally, I have very strange dreams in which I "learn lessons" and wake up feeling as I made a jump in consciousness by living through this dream. Where do we actually "go to" when we dream? I mean, even typing this "awake" right now, I am dreaming now as well, right? Right? As you can see, the amount of questions shows my confusion. I apologize for the length of the post at the same time I think I needed to express it. If anyone can in some way relate - this would be highly appreciated! After what I have read from others so far the answers will probably be "both - you create your reality and you do not create. Your mind looks for an logical, finite answers but there is none. Stop searching for answers and just be" Seems about right - at the same time: If there is anything you can say beyond that - would love to hear your opinion!