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One important function I hope this thread can serve is to show the reality of how more or less serious spiritual practice and psychedelic use affects bipolar disorder. I almost made a post to the Meditation/Spirituality sub-forum warning of the dangers and also describing the advantages and benefits of this specific path, but I ultimately thought it wouldn’t receive the right reception there. It is incredibly important that anyone with a serious case of bipolar disorder (typically this means type 1) knows the risks of not just psychedelics but even simply meditation. Meditation can cause the same types of psychotic breaks as psychedelics can. It’s happened to me and many others. A lot of people here, and in the world as a whole, have a piss-poor understanding of what bipolar disorder is. This even applies to most people who have it and many family members or close friends of people with it. No one generally thinks about the epistemic aspects/implications of “psychosis.” Psychosis is a somewhat flawed concept as you’re basically being judged by how well your current state of consciousness as well as delusions or even legit insights fit within the norms of your culture. In ancient and some more modern indigenous cultures, what Western medicine calls psychosis was treated as a spiritual gift. In many of these cultures it’s highly likely, if not just downright true, that people with “psychotic mental health disorders” were the leading candidates for shamanism. In some of these cases, the “psychotic” shaman was the ONLY person permitted to use psychedelics in the society. This is the absolute opposite of how Western medicine views psychotic mental health disorders and psychedelics. We are ALWAYS seen as the absolute last people on the planet who should ever consume such a substance. Why is that? It fucks our survival up heavily as current modern cultures have no role for the “mentally ill” person who trips themselves into oblivion to bring back insights and even serious psychic or healing powers back to the society of neurotypicals. Watch this video to hear more about this. You're a Shaman - Your Culture Just Sucks One key thing to note is that these shamans were almost always mentored by an older shaman who potentially also had what we today would call severe mental health problems (at least before he served his life purpose and bathed himself in Truth, Love, and psychological growth for years with psychedelics and other practices). What I’m doing is basically walking that path with no guidance from someone with the same set of challenges. This is partially why I’m making this and videos about bipolar disorder and psychedelics. People need to know the path from someone who has done it before they get themselves or others killed. There’s a real risk that psychedelics will kill me. Not in some physical overdose but in me becoming so fucking conscious that I lose ALL care for survival. The other potential for death comes if I experience a crippling depression after a string of manic episodes and kill myself. I am ultimately not afraid of death. I welcome it, but of course almost everyone in the last moment struggles. As you’ll learn through reading and watching the content in this journal, this is a hardcore ass spiritual path. It is not for the ego lovers. It’s for people who want their ego to die more than they want it to live. We want Truth, Love, and the Absolute Pinnacle of Consciousness and nothing else at the end of the day. This is worth death and many other things I won’t even mention as I don’t think people can handle that. I also don’t want to be portrayed as some villain in the making. This is the opposite of my intention, but it must be understood that madness is at times a nearly unstoppable force. Playing with this for spiritual development is not fun and games. This is absolutely life and death. Many people think they want seriously powerful spiritual experiences and results, but they never suffer the types of serious dangers and challenges I’ll describe because of pursuing awakening. Ultimately, I see the good nature of most spiritual masters as a complete ego construction. Leo talks about everything being Goodness but as if that means you’ll align with the good when you are Good. This is kind of dumb, but I think it’s ultimately his good heart which is deceiving him which is totally understandable. I’ve thought the same way many times before. If everything is Absolute Good, which I certainly believe it is and have had a version of this insight, this means that God loves to kill. To rape. To destroy. To defile. Etc. etc. If you think there’s one side to spiritual awakening to yourself as 100% God and that’s always going to align with your human ego’s good, you’re deluded as fuck my friend. There are evil spiritual forces in so many religions and spiritual traditions. Is this just because someone happened to get creative on a Tuesday night and dream all this up across all these different cultures and times? Lol. Come on. Of course now, we must understand that the most evil person, defiler of Existence itself or anything else is at the end of the day Love, but it’s the kind of Love you experience when your character gets absolutely wrecked by the bad guys in a video game. It’s not what your ego wants. It happens. You hate it. Then, with enough perspective, you realize it made the game as Good as it was. The struggle adds value. The pain adds meaning. The suffering adds spice. I’m planning to make a video on the difference between Christ Consciousness and Lucifer Consciousness. I’ve experienced both. Lucifer is ultimately not as bad as you might think, but ultimately he is selfish when it comes to his highest goals. He has no issue giving money to a homeless person so they can eat. He enjoys doing that in a similar way Christ would, but where Christ would never harm someone or do something considered truly immoral for spiritual growth or power, Lucifer would. Both of these archetypes/spirits/higher consciousness entities can essentially meld into your consciousness and pretty much possess you. As can many other things. Possession by Christ is good. Possession by Lucifer is... hopefully neutral or good, but it could lead you to purchase the skin of a deceased human child to perform a deal with Lucifer which would in theory give you your ultimate desire. I’d avoid that one. Btw, I’m merely sharing my direct experience as true as I know it to be. Could I be wrong about some of these things? Certainly, but it would be dishonest to show a false lack of confidence to appear credible to you. This is, after all, MY journal. The decision to pursue awakening and use high-dose psychedelic trips as a person with bipolar disorder type 1 has reduced my net worth by $50,000 in roughly 2-2.5 years. My income was only roughly $25k last year to give you an example of how much that could do for me. I have given away roughly $10k in cash to homeless people and friends through the selflessness and generosity that mania brings in this 2-2.5 year period. I have experienced about 8-9 hospitalizations in the past 2-2.5 years with all but one being due to manic episodes. The other was a suicide attempt that was halted by friends and family working in conjunction. When I was brought to the emergency room, I visualized murdering all of them including my mother, father, step-father, best friend, girlfriend, and then using my Chinese Visa to escape detection before anything could be done to apprehend me. I had a plan that likely would have worked. I rediscovered something in this experience. I can only visualize things well in my mind’s eye when they are fueled with pure hatred. If I try to visualize a simple object in my mind’s eye now, I get practically nothing. With intense hatred, it’s like I’m standing in the physical location watching things happen almost. Keep in mind this is the first time I do much as had a feeling of hate or anger in probably 5-10 years. I’m usually quite immune to these emotions now. If there is such a thing as past lives, mine must be quite complex. On many levels I align myself with Christ as a shining example or what I aspire to become, but on another level I seem to have a real passion for things people consider pure evil. The evil has mostly been heavily repressed. It just came out for a bit when I found myself unable to end my own life due to others. I was being forced to suffer some extreme existential pain due to their selfish love for me. Of course I love their selfish love all the other times. That was just my darkest day/week in over a decade. I was able to stop myself from harming anyone, and I returned back to my positive relatively loving self within a few weeks. I found the first prescription antidepressant that has ever worked for me in over 7 years of experimenting with my psychiatrist due to this. I guess things work out. Psychotic mental health disorders can produce some of the most, if not the most, spiritually obsessed people the world has ever seen. One test you can do is to look at the lists of symptoms for a bipolar type 1 person or schizophrenic to see how much these align with what advanced mystics or psychics are like. Case in point — Jesus, grandiose? Check. High energy? Most likely a check. Incredibly passionate? Check. Insights and sayings pouring out of him that completely reject traditional spiritual and societal norms? Check. Unmatched spiritual obsession? Check. The ability to alter physical phenomena against the currently understood laws of science? Check. (Yes, psychotic people have an immense proclivity for this stuff, even sometimes needing no spiritual foundation or practices to be able to alter reality — not just some hallucination). Of course many times these events are just delusions and hallucinations, but there are many cases where they are not. These few videos explain some of my experiences which do not have good scientific explanations in the currently popular paradigm for what happened to me. Keep in mind I have no idea how I do any of this shit and have absolutely no control over it. There are other examples I will speak about in future posts on this thread. Supernatural Events & Bipolar Mania Are You A Bipolar Empath? ?? The Grays - My Story of ET Contact This one will sound most unbelievable and nebulous to you I imagine. I’d like to mention that maybe a month after this I was sleeping in my girlfriend’s bed while she was awake. I sat up (I have no memory of this whatsoever and ultimate believe I was not in control of my body), and I looked at her and said something like “4324 we are here for you as well.” My girlfriend adamantly claims that she was sent into a psychedelic trip without consuming anything in exactly the same type of way I describe my strongest telepathic connection with the grays. I now permanently have this sensation come and go at various times throughout the day, usually when I’m in a spiritual context or have an insight come. It is not as strong as when I was manic though. If you think these things sound fishy or not concrete (of course anecdotal) evidence of something supernatural happening, please consider I have picked these out of many ridiculous things that have happened to me. There are so many more examples. One thing was my phone being at 5% or less before a meditation session. I needed to use it for GPS right after the session, so I turned it off to conserve battery knowing realistically there’s no way I’d have enough to get where I needed to go. After about 30-40 minutes of meditation, I turned my phone back on, and it was at 100%. Did I do this somehow? Was it God? Idk. I’m simply saying you don’t see that legitimately happening to many people. To get a taste of where I started 7 years ago, watch this video. It’s actually hilarious to me that I made a video titled “I am God” based solely on information from others who didn’t even understand that concept to any real depth themselves. I even said something like “All religion is bullshit. There’s no hard evidence.” Stage orange dumb ass. I was a stage orange dumb ass co-opting essentially the most Divine Truth there is for my own selfish little thought game to partially build a YouTube channel. I enjoyed the thought experiment. It wasn’t just done for views, but much of it was. I Am God Here are two of my main three God Realization/God Consciousness awakenings described years later after discovering the truth of spirituality. The first has not been described in video by me yet. Note that, in the one based on mania, I basically discredited my own insight to not sound crazy to my viewers. This is pure ego and self-deception as well as deception of others disguised as a reasonable a rational approach. I knew damn well that that was a legitimate experience. Ultimately I think it’s time to shoot another video about God Realization now that I’ve ironed out a lot more details. -2nd God Realization/God Consciousness awakening. Manic Stories Ep. #1 - Becoming God (Awakening to God Consciousness) -3rd God Realization/Consciousness awakening. This was ultimately the deepest one, but it lacked facets such as effortless no-mind to begin the process which occurred in the 2nd. 13 Tabs of LSD - Mapping Consciousness #2 I’m going to post some key videos from my YouTube channel that I’ve been posting on for over 7 years now throughout this thread with explanations of where I was at that time in my life and how I’ve since developed further (or potentially back tracked in some areas). My channel and major life interests consist of topics like bipolar disorder, depression, personal development, positive psychology, practical life advice, entrepreneurship, business advice, credit building tips, personal finance videos, unique thoughts that I’ve had over the years from what may seem profound to some and mundane to others, spirituality/enlightenment/awakening, psychedelics and awakening, awakening and bipolar disorder, bipolar disorder and psychedelics, and some other topics or combinations of topics that are less frequent. I’ve taken on a more spiritual focus as time has progressed. I’d like to create this as a sort of open journal in which I will be keen to interact with all of you. Keep in mind, I’m eventually going to be posting extremely sensitive content related to my illness and weaknesses. I’ll eventually get into my extremely racist adolescent years and how this still affects me now. Even having what to most humans would be unfathomable love for all of reality and all beings many times, I still have racial slurs and jokes come into my mind when I’m back at my baseline level of consciousness. I ultimately know that racism is absolute trash, but this doesn’t stop deeply ingrained thought patterns. Actualized.org has helped me to understand why I became racist on a much deeper level to where I now have absolutely no judgment for that path that I started walking on around age 12. This doesn’t mean I think it was the best thing to do. This means I understand the survival-based drives to defend an already fragile ego that was constantly attacked by my extreme shyness, social anxiety, and natural emotional sensitivity as well as being bullied and somewhat unpopular. You’d think the average racist is some hard-nosed ass hole who has no sensitivity or love for the world or people. This was absolutely the opposite of the case for me, and I imagine many others possibly. I craved connection with other kids. On one hand, bipolar disorder can lend itself to outright delusional thinking. On another hand, it can produce premature insight that your mind does not fully understand. On another hand, it can produce legitimate, high-level nondual insights when paired with a solid foundation of spirituality. On another hand, it’s a free psychedelic as powerful as 5.87 grams of psilocybin mushrooms, 10 tabs of LSD, ayahuasca, or ridiculous doses of concentrated THC taken on little to no tolerance to create maximum potential for full psychedelic effect and insight potential. I’m talking about consuming enough THC that I’ve literally “blacked out” in a very similar way to how alcohol black outs occur. This is the difference between aiming for a recreational THC/cannabis experience vs. an existential THC/cannabis experience. Imo, cannabis is not ideal for this work unless it is consumed in concentrated THC format or edibles. Smoked cannabis simply lacks the punch that high-dose psychedelic trips can have. Even with concentrated THC and edibles, the psychedelic experience can be quite elusive on them, especially if you still have any tolerance whatsoever. This is not something you can do daily for its full effects. Most of the time I just get kind of unintentionally hedonistically high to absurd levels. I’m skeptical that Wiz Khalifa and other popular cannabis aficionados have experienced these levels of consciousness on THC/cannabis. It essentially requires the dovetailing of a psychotic mental health disorder and prior psychedelic use to unlock this potential. Keep in mind that when I mention these doses, I am quite sensitive to psychedelics and THC.

My another insight in my deepest suicidal moments (which I've had the luck of having many in my short life) is that people like me who feel tormented in life always had a shadow following them their whole lives. I felt this presence. Many times. Like a psychic attack.. Like someone is watching me and laughing at my misery.. People don't believe in demons and devils. But I do. I know there are paranormal things. I've been struck by bad luck many times. Even my last bits of mental peace were stolen from me at times And I wondered who could be behind all this? Who is the mastermind? This happened to my dad as well. He died eventually. It felt like there was someone who always wanted him to suffer despite his best efforts to be alive.. He tried hard to live. But became very weak in the end. He was unable to breathe. His body began to shut down in his last week on earth. And he suddenly passed. But he had put a massive amount of effort in surviving with terminal illness. His illness also gave me PTSD. I was very young when I saw him suffering. I was just 12 years old. He died a few years later. But within this short life, he gave me immeasurable happiness. He used to take me to the local ice cream shop, beautiful fond memories that I don't wish to remember. His tragic death spiraled me into a massive depression. Although recovered from it with some effort. His last words before dying were -"please take care of yourself. " I never really followed his words. I gave into self neglect and self destruction. There was nothing to feel good about a mentally ill tyrant mother and a terminally ill struggling father, there was no way I could grow up normally or happily. So the insight that just came to me was this. There are psychic attacks. But I believe in mind over matter. I believe I can change fate. Maybe I can psychically conquer these demons attacking me. Maybe I can harness some psychic powers through effort and use these psychic powers to change the tide set by the trainwreck of events in my life. Maybe I can manipulate reality. What if I could and defeat the devil. What if I could bend time. What if I could change things in my life with my own mental energy so that I stop getting fucked over. What if I develop tremendous psychic energy and stop all the negative circumstances in my life. Put an end to this cycle. What if I develop my psychic energy so strong that it fights hard against psychic attacks and stop its influence in my life. What if this devil is rendered useless by my psychic powers. Yesterday my mom called me and gave me a death threat on the phone. I didn't take it seriously. I told her to Fuck off. Monster woman dominating my fucking life. I want my psychic powers to change her mindset so instead of her hating and dominating me, she will start being benevolent to me. Maybe this is possible. I'm simply toying with this idea of developing a strong psychic energy that can control events in my life to be in my favor so that they stop ruining my life. One thing that I've noticed in the life of people who (like me) generally feel tormented is that they have a specific chain of events, I'll call it a train events that finally end in their death or suicide. Nobody pays attention to it. Often people focus on an immediate event before suicide. Most people assume that it's a single event before killing that is responsible for the suicide. This is not the case. Look into that person's timeline and history of life. There are many clues here and there at different times. The devil's hand is at every point in this timeline. It is never a single event. Trauma keeps compounding until the person experiences a burn out. It's a train of events, one bad event after another, that finally drives the person to the edge. Within the history of his or her life is a train of events responsible for making that person more and more miserable with time. It's train of events, one bad event after another in sequence that keep pushing that person harder and harder, until he can take no more. People don't notice this. Usually when a person is suicidal, it's not without prior warnings. Most of these warnings are often neglected or ignored. When a person says they are suicidal, they are not taken seriously, people call them drama queens or attention seekers.. Until that person is actually dead. Well.... That person was screaming all along for help. There were warnings. That person might have talked about their suicide ideation at some point. Their ideation was simply ignored by the family. Suicide is not a destination, it's a journey.. The person doesn't simply imagine some day that they have to be out of the game of life. They arrive at such a miserable point after having suffered tremendous pain in their lives, where it gets progressively worse with each passing year. Then the threshold is crossed at some point. It tumbles down rapidly from there. Finally they reach a break point where they jump off and it's over. That's how suicide actually works. It's a process, a sequence, a train of events to fail a person at every step. If this doesn't sound like a psychic attack, I don't know what does. People often sympathize a person after they are dead and gone. I wish people especially family would be just as sympathetic when the person was giving out warning signs and alive. A lot of difference can happen if people who are suicidal are given help at the first signs of such ideation. Suicide is like cancer. It goes through stages and then gets worse and finally death. If detected early and the problems fixed, many people can be saved from killing themselves.

This is the same reason why I fell in love with my ex. He first told me that he was going to commit suicide and overdose on his pills. I tried to comfort him and I thought I was saving him. That's how the relationship began. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to save him because I thought he would die without me. He would keep drawing my sympathy by telling me how alone and miserable he felt. And then he became abusive, violent and cheat on me several times, break my boundaries, lie and whenever I tried to leave him, he would get despondent and beg me to come back.. In the end I simply gave up and could take his mind games no more. And realized what a fool I was to want to save him meanwhile he was destroying my emotional well being all along.

I've been suicidal last week. And kept on a suicide watch by family for 2 days. I started the youtube channel in the hopes that something good will come out of it. At this point, literally anything can take me to the edge of suicide.. With this PTSD, there are days that I feel good and there are days that I don't feel good at all. It's PTSD cyclic depression. This is my last try after which I will give up and commit suicide because I cant take it anymore.

Most of my old friends . All of you cunts are special. You've taught me so...much. I am talking to you... stariano crewwww. Also P (my oldest friend in the entire world ) , S ( an underappreciated artist who has failed his exams for entry into art school 4-5 times(!!!) ) , V (my first real crush, love, whatever. You know me. I know you. I love you with all my heart ) , Yung passssss ( we have a pretty special story dont we. do you remember what a racist fuck you were 5 years ago? You hated people of my nationality. how about now? ) , A ( A mother fucking genius composer. I shit you not. He is better than hans zimmer, or atleast he is going to be. Either that or he is going to kill himself or something idk. I really hope the first one tho ) , L ( bro... i know everythhing sucks. the world sucks. shit is hard. A told me you're seriously considering suicide. And tbh I am kinda afraid. I am afraid because I know you have the guts to do it. I know you are for real. Please don't do it bro. We are going to make a better world. I'll show you. You will see. You are a fighter like me bro. They have just taken your spirit. Listen when they come for me, i need people to defend me. You know I am not a bad person, you've seen it. I've talked with you , i've never lied to you. Most of them wont give a fuck when they kill me. So... if you were going to off yourself anyways, why not die protecting my memory or something idk. bro just... dont hurt people. this is not the way. the way is trough truth. through honesty. through love. Yeah yeahh i know you think all of this shit is cringy. BRO ITS NOT. ITS REAL. AND I KNOW YOU WANT IT TO BE REAL. I AM TELLING YOU ITS REAL. THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE BRO. hmm.. thats much more about L that i thought I would write. Moving on. Cousin. Cousin my cousin. Throughout me whole life you have been my idea of perfection. Of an idol or something. You always got all the girls, you're good looking, you can play video games, you are a hustler , you are way way way smarter than you make yourself look. Yeah you are very funny. Yeah you can play the role of the fool as much as you want. But friendly advice, dont expect them to take you seriously if you are acting like a fool. I realize now that you are no better than me. Yes, you are better than me in many many stuff. That doesn't make you better than me. I know so much more than you know bro. I really do. You know why? Because I never stopped searching. And i never will. You...you got comfortable. Yes you've figured a lot of shit out. But...broooo...you are blind as fuck to many other things. You've always said to people " hey this is my couzin, he is the better version of me" To this day, I am not sure whether you said that mockingly. I would really want you to tell me the truth face to face. No matter, I believed you. hahaha. foolish little boy i was i believed you. and i really believed you cared about me. you are perhaps the first person who ... idk made me feel heard? From our very young days bro. I was an a 12 year old fat shy fuck with anxiety and fear . You were a 16 year old GOD. You OWNED your school. Girls loved you. Guys feared you. Bruh,..you were a king. And you were talking to me? And not only talking to me, but LISTENING? daaaamn. thanks man. thanks so much. I just have one last thing to say. Those times have passed. I am really have grown to be better and an improved version of you. Your days of glory have passed. You are no longer that king and I am no longer that boy. You got soft. You got comfortable. Lets shake things up huh? The only thing you need to do is let your ego go and let me be your teacher now. I've always been your little padawan ( remeember how we used to fight with brooms pretending we are sith lords and jedis? ) . Do you have the balls to be mine? Let me go back to my old friends though. All of you little autists. Your greatest lesson to me was tough love. We fight each other, we debate each other, we dont agree on many things. Yet we love each other and we trust each other. Strange huh? I wonder why. M , my dude. You know what I am talking about bruh. We have SUCH different worldviews. We have fought countless times, about trump, about leftists and conservatives, about religion, about whatever. This made us strong as fuck bro. I respect your ass. And I know you respect me too. Just one thing, I know you are a scientist and you are a scepctic . Bro... sure alright cool. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember , the greatest sscientists were those who were the most open minded. #TEAMSCIENCE i hope i am not offending anyone by not writing them here. there are counteless special people in my life. people that have taught me so much . People I dont even remember their names, yet they have made a huge impact in my life. For example those three little gypsie children... oh my god. they changed me. you should have seen their faces when I gave them my guitar. They were so happy dude... they looked at me with those crazy big eyes, with huge smiles. they played music! Yes...it kinda sucked. BUT it didnt matter!!! THEY DIDNT CARE. They were so in the moment. And I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I just played some guitar in the train wagon. They came and sat next to me . They listened . I invited them over to sit next to me and talked with them, then gave them my guitar. Children...children are so precious The other gypsie boy. Who was about a bit older than my brother. He was still young. He wass on his was to work with his family. I was on my way to have fun for 5 days in the mountains, snowboarding, playing music, eating hot food, have a room to sleep in (nevermind the fact that it was shared with 11 other people. No, not nevermind the fact. those people were amazing. they made my stay so much better. they gave me food. they gave me alchohol. they treated me life family...huh. how lucky am I , damn ) HE AND HIS FAMILY WERE ON THE WAY TO WORK. It was freezing cold outside. They barely had any proper fucking equipment (he was only wearing a motherfucking jacket for christ's sake). And yet still...those people. Those people who are much stronger than my weak ass will ever be. They had to go there. They had to earn their bread. And they did it stoicly. They did it with honor. With 0 complains. He...a little boy no more than 16 . He went out there and earned his life. Me? I was on a fucking solo trip across the country , travelling by train and with my guitar. Nothing more. He had nothing to gain from me. Yet....he was intrugued . I dont think it was because of my incredible guitar skills or something. I think it was just something new for him. Something different in his miserable gray life that no fucking child deserves to go through. And I specifacly remember the choice. He presented me with one of the greatest choices I've had to make in my life. "Can you I take your guitar to the wagon next to ours and show it to my family? " Hmmm.. i dont know. Can you? What's going to happen ? Is he going to steal my guitar? I've heard that gypsies are dirty people who steal and rape and whatever. Is he a good person? Can I trust him? Should i trust him? Why should I trust him. In that moment, in a that split second I had to make a choice. A choice that would affect the rest of my life. Do i show trust or do i cower. The boy is intelligent. He sees my dilema . He says "nah nevermind dont worry. I understand . Its ok" . FUUUCK. I AM FUCKING IT UP. FUuuuck. I dont want to be one of the dream killlers. I want to do good! " Listen. Come here." I put my hand on his knee. He is looking at my eyes intently . " I am chosing to show you my trust. You look like a good person. Just know that I really love this guitar and I would love to get it back by the end of the ride ok? Actually. I would like it back in 10 minutes because i would like to play on it a bit. So. There you go, take it. But I expect it to be returned. " The boy smiles. The boy says thanks and rushes off to the next wagon with me guitar. around 10 minutes pass. The boy returns. The boy is very excited. He sits down next to me . "how was it? " "They liked it! I showed them how i play the guitar. Did you know i can sing? " "Really! You can sing and play guitar? Show me! " "Mhmm! Damn right I can. Watch this. " The boy grabs the guitar clumsly. he presses some strings in a very awakward way and he starts playing a song. I am assuming a traditional gypsie song , but the boy was kinda failing. He was failing so beautifully though. His notes were all over the place. He ...in all honesty kinda sucked. BUT HE WAS MAKING MUSIC. HE WAS SO IN THE MOMENT. HE WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY. ... I... i was so fucking happy watching him... At some point an older gentleman approaches. Is that his father? "Hey (name) . We are going to get off soon, we are approaching the station." Yeah maybe his father or uncle or something. deffinatly family. "Hello there sir. How are you doing" "Huh? Hello." "Would you like me to roll you a ciggarette ? " "Uh, no no. there's no problem. dont worry. " "Oh it's no problem sir. I wanted to smoke one anyways, you are doing me a favor. How about you , would you like a cigarette aswell? " Another slightly older man approaches. This man is around my age. So young. But so ...hard looking. A true warrior. "ah thanks I dont smoke. " "well" the older gentleman speaks. " Can you roll two more, my wife and her friend who are sitting over there *points to the end of the wagon* " they smoke too . " "ofcourse, just give me a second" after we roll the cigarettes we go to the space between the wagons and sit on the sides to smoke. We start talking. At some point the inspector passes and sees us all smoking and says " This is not allowed here! Stop! " I stay quiet. They just laugh him off and say " yeah yeah. move on" hahahah. they're so bad ass. So...we kept smoking. While we are smoking the 3 young gypsie children come to me . They ask me for money. I tell them to wait for a minute. We finish our conversation with the older men. They tell me about their struggles. How they go every day up to the mountains. to chop wood. how they take the train back. how they do this , day in day out. LEGALIZED FUCKING SLAVERY. IN OUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY. THEY. DONT.CARE. They dont care cause its "them" . They are "dirty" . baaaaaaaaaah. I give my guitar to the younger dude and he sits at my place and plays by himself. I turn my attention to the children. They ask me once again for money. I ask them how much do they want. They are quiet. they look at each other. They say 10 euros. "NO . Not 10. 20! " hmmm, the child is smart. "Reaally? 20 euros? What are you going to do with aaaaaall of that? " "I dont know . right now we just want tto get some food. " oh fuck. thats fucked. "Hmm. well thats fine! we can fix that. there is no reason for you to ask money from me though. Come with me. Lets go to the wagons in front. There is a shop there, do you know? " "Ahhh. Yes yes. Lets go! " And they run off ahead of me.

@Nemo28 have you ever saw a 14 year old junkie with foam running through his mouth? I have. In fact i saw all kinds of junkies they were everywhere in my old city. You must be either stupid or one step before suicide to even try it. Would i risk become like this to experience the best orgasm possible? Fuck no. Fuck all the cunts dealing death driving around with Mercedes

@Lyubov Are we all sorting out our bad boy / bad girl issues this week? Then you haven't experienced enough pain yet . The wrong girl will literally ruin your life. It could push you to suicide. Then you haven't met the right ones. A girl who is really integrated will blow your mind. But you also have to appreciate what they're bringing to the table. If you're addicted to drama, anything that isn't drama will seem boring by comparison. But of course it's not boring, it's way better. But you have to have the palate for it. It's like sitting and appreciating nature. If you're over-stimulated from modern society, doing something like just watching nature seems incredibly boring. But it's actually fascinating if you can stop being such a junkie.

Yeah, the illusion becomes a lot easier to see through once we've been around the block and cleared out our own emotional stuff that lead to the bad relationships. Truly, a lot of what being a "bad boy" is based on is a compensation for traumas and emotional issues. So, bad boy behavior can be kind of like the Napoleon complex. They put on a tough front to hide their weaknesses and vulnerabilities from others... and from themselves. Like my ex-boyfriend was always putting on a tough front and acting like a bad ass. But then he'd have big emotional breakdowns about once a week and be threatening to commit suicide if I don't do this or because I did that. And not to shame anyone who gets into that position where they're having those big emotional breakdowns, but it's just really detrimental and soul sucking to be in a relationship to such a person. It doesn't give you what you're really looking for. A bad boy is not capable of truly holding a woman because he himself is not stable. But I do feel like that pop culture image of the bad boy is a bit of a female wish fulfillment fantasy. Like being able to have the bad boy and tame them. But it's much more empowering to be with a good boy and then seduce his fierce side up out of him... And the flavor of the goodness is much better. But the idea of a good boy is boring. But when he's really a good man, the reality is anything but boring. It reminds me a bit of this quote by Simone Weil...

I can’t really agree with this. They definitely suffer to some degree with the likes of anxiety type issues. I had a budgie when I was a kid and so did a mate of mine. The one me mate had used to be let out out of the cage fly round come sit on ya hand seemed very relaxed and open. Where as the one I had would fly round like a nutcase then perch itself up on top of the curtain rail and it was very difficult to have it come down sit on ya hand be playful an that. It seemed very anxious about being out in the open and interacting with us. I don’t think they are at all in some sort of spiritual solitude or whatever you want to call it. Infact id say more along the lines of that they are in pure survival mode. And this goes for birds of all kinds and most if not all animals the more I think about it. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. But that’s how I interpret the animal kingdom as such. I have wondered though, has it ever been known for an animal to commit suicide? I’ve never heard of the likes. Maybe an ape, but even then I’ve never come across anything claiming one has. Just a thought

I feel like committing suicide. I just don't feel good anymore People are so judgmental.

Me and my partner have been in what I'll describe as a "successful relationship" for the past 10 years. So, here's my perspective: 1. We do see each other as "soulmates" or whatever, but we're not attached to labels. 2. When we started dating, I was on hard drugs and she was on the brink of suicide, so I'd say we were even "below average" on your scale. However, we've commited to make it work. If I could simplify and extract the most important keys of what made this relationship work, I'd say: no ego games, authentic and honest communication (be open and vulnerable), and LOTS of shadow work (both individually and together). Healthy communication and collaborative inner work builds a feedback loop of inspiring and pushing each other forward. This is of course, a very rough over-simplification, and there's a lot more to say about this topic. Yes, there are conflicts and hard times, but as others have said here, conflicts are not bad, just be honest and try to resolve conflicts consciously without falling into ego traps and biases. This is how you grow as a couple. Also, I'll say again that this is only my perspective, and I understand that different relationships work for different people.

@Dunnel I'm going through a period of high emotional suffering and thoughts of suicide as well. I can understand you're situation at least in terms of thinking about suicide and wanting it. It's amazing how many people are suffering these days. I wonder if it's always been like this.

Meditation is also about committing the long and arduous process of spiritual suicide too. Just realizing presence is a tiny step.

Suicide is not an option my dear. Please don't think like this and life is beautiful creation of God. So you should enjoy as much as possible.

Taking another perspective on suicide. On a second note, he kinda looks like Leo

People who have not faced deficits to survival because of awakening aren’t very awake in my opinion. It’s a common thing after full God-Realization for me to throw my phone across the room in an attempt to break it or flat out smash it to pieces. This is just one small example out of many things. If you’re actively trying to preserve your body, possessions, reputation, and pretty much anything else that makes up your ego, you’re still not awake to the fullest degrees. Last I saw Alan Watts drank himself to death. He never claimed to be awakened though from any of the talks I’ve heard. He always referred to himself as more of a spiritual commentator. I wouldn’t doubt that his spiritual understanding and experiences could have contributed to alcoholism or suicide though. I’ve certainly experienced many dark night of the soul problems that have been potentially worsened by awakening.

Hello, my dear night dwellers. As we all know, Insomnia is one tricky thing to befall a living thing. I’m sure most of us have been jealous of our dogs or cats. How easily they sleep, their minds still and tranquil. Us, however, goddamn. Some of us might not have anxiety or depression, yet still, we dwell in the night till the morning all the same. That’s precisely the point I’m about to make. Insomnia is one of the most mysterious and puzzling “illnesses” or conditions there are. There are no clear answers. Some people fix it by fixing their diet; some people have medical conditions, some mental. Some none of those. I know it’s hard to feel optimistic about this fucking condition. Trust me; it brought me to the brink of suicide. I am much better now. However, my journey is not the same as yours. My body isn’t the same as yours, nor is my mind. We are all unique, yet we insomniacs share a lot of things in common as well. It took many many hours of studying insomnia, biology, diet, neuroscience, nutrition, pharmacology, self-help techniques, psychology, a bit of literature, the human microbiome, and believe it or not, Zen Buddhism & Meditation, to finally have an understanding of how to deal with my insomnia. I’ve gotten it under control. However, I had to accept many changes I needed to make. Insomnia could be a journey to start discover yourself more deeply. Biologically, mentally, spiritually. I am not religious; I was born Muslim and became an atheist in my teens. I still consider myself an atheist to some extent. But spirituality does have an impact on your mental state. So does your biology, your nutrition, your lifestyle, etc. Now the danger arises when you dismiss these topics on hand and think you already know them. I can’t stress this enough. Your mind will trick you into thinking you understand when you don’t. It will trick you into dismissing them. It will come up with any reason possible to avoid introspection and come up with excuses to not read more and change yourself. Do not trust your mind. Do not trust your thoughts. Trust your intuition. Trust direct experience. This you can rely on. Learn things and then directly experience them and see what happens. Many of you will intuitively know that this makes sense. Obviously, it would help if you still had your mind to read and think and remember, but you get the idea. It will take maybe two years for you to filter out the good information from the bad. To see what lifestyle change works and what doesn’t. You need to keep an open mind, and you need to start to learn things proactively. Be consistent in your lifestyle changes. Not just try something for a week and say, “Fuck that it didn’t work, that’s bullshit.” That thinking right there is bullshit. Learning=change. Behavioral or psychological. If you read that stress induces insomnia, but you don’t do anything to change your stress level, then you haven’t actually learned. You just memorized a fact. You will be amazed by how many things you didn’t expect to influence sleep that does. “The greatest enemy of knowledge isn’t ignorance; It is an illusion of knowledge.” -Stephen Hawking Many people know that gut bacteria influence your mood and sleep. So they google how to increase gut bacteria. They get an article saying that probiotics increase it. They buy probiotics. Try it. Feel nothing. Then say, ok, well, it’s not my gut bacteria. When in reality, probiotics alone don’t help that much at all. This is just one out of a million examples. Insomnia isn’t your fault. It’s the worst thing to be told that it’s “just in your mind.” In a sense, it is true, but all of us have very little control of our minds and bodies. I know it’s hard to be motivated when you are sleep deprived. Somedays, when I lose sleep (rarely these days, maybe 5-6 days a month), I start to feel the same ways I felt before. Low energy, tired, want to give up on life. Just shitty overall. Suppose you sleep better the day after, or whenever, get back into the journey. We can’t control our sleep, but we do have control over many things that can start to influence both our minds and bodies. Later on, your mind and body will be your friends, not your enemies. But that won’t come quickly. Obviously, you see how big of a subject this is. I can’t explain every trap and obstacle. This is your journey to make. “Suffering is the greatest teacher.” -Guatama Buddha Don’t just view this as things to do to avoid suffering. It is that but also more. It’s about healing yourself. DO NOT BE NEGATIVELY MOTIVATED. Try to be actually excited about this. You don’t know where it will lead you, what changes might happen. You really don’t, even if you think you do. This is positive and exciting, not negative at all. Insomnia was the best thing to happen to me. I hope you will be able to say that about yours too. UNCONVENTIONAL TIPS Before you stack up on melatonin pills, try pistachios. There is evidence that just two pistachios contain enough melatonin to boost the hormone above physiological levels. Sleep hygiene is more complicated than the simple don't do anything in bed formula we constantly read about, if you do relaxing activities in bed like reading that can actually be helpful to associate bedtime with relax time. Insomnia causes depression and makes your mood abysmal. Therefore, most insomniacs you engage with in this subreddit are trapped in this mindset, so that's why this isn't a very helpful subreddit to gain optimism from, and that’s totally understandable. But just keep that in mind the next time someone slams exercising for not working or that diets have nothing to do with insomnia. Diet does absolutely matter, and diet is much more complicated than trying gluten free or keto or vegan. The raw material for neurotransmitter synthesis in your brain is derived from diet, it most certainly can impact your sleep cycles. The microbes in your gut produce 95% of the serotonin in your body (most of it won't pass the blood brain barrier, luckily your brain doesn't need much). & These microbes thrive when you eat healthy food, especially fiber. Getting your diet on check will require many years of careful rigorous experimenting, researching, not falling to delusional diets and most importantly not giving up. It takes a while for you to learn anything important, health should be your top priority no matter if you think your insomnia is genetic or not, diet will lessen the blows if anything. Getting morning sunlight does actually work for some but not others, give it a try and try to make it consistent. Coffee in the morning can actually up regulate GABA receptors, so it might actually help some sleep in some people (theoretically). Insomnia can be psychosomatic in some people, not necessarily completely but maybe a bit. If you sleep with the expectation that you'll wake up early, that will most likely happen. That's why if you're worried about an exam and sleep you'll wake up an hour before your alarm clock. How do you stop this? It's complicated, but just keep it in mind. Some people sleep way better when the accidentally fall asleep, because there is no expectation. Glycine is a non essential amino acid, some people report to increase sleep quality when supplementing with glycine.

Update: After 6 month i looking back on this thread, i just try to give solution who have diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. So quick story, after i diagnosed with ocd, long story, i work with psychiatrist for medication and psychologist for CBT, but what work on me the most is ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy, this is work. Search app called NOCD on Play Store or Apple Store You can also search channel: Mark Freeman, OCD and Anxiety by Nathan Peterson, Ali Greymond Finally, after long journey, i can manage my ocd. If i look my suffering in the past, even want to suicide, it really glad i'm here and finally overcame it. Every problem has a solution, don't lose hope! Btw, right now i focus on finding my life purpose after taking Leo's Life Purpose Course: Help me if you can by reply on that thread. I hope this information really help you all who suffer with ocd, anxiety, or other neurotic symptoms. For me is effective, rather waste a lot time for other solutions that didn't work. The key here: Is let the thought, and don't do any compulsions or try to control them. Let thought be thought, and have no meaning. Keep practicing and see the difference until you healed. The obsession will lose their power. Hope it helps! Thank you Glad to share experience here, i made it with ERP and you can too : )

Does suicide drop your score?

Welcome back Leo. I really miss you. Leo you have transformed my life. You saved my life. Without you I would have committed suicide. Keep up the good job Leo. Your videos are like medicine to my life. Regarding the environment I am living in, your videos give me hope to live and thrive in the world. I love you and I love your work. I have tears shedding over my face due to your work. I will contribute to actualized.org in someway at some point of my life or return something back because of your awesome work. Your work has transformed the quality of my life. I just can't tell and label how much. Your work transformed my relationships, habits, life purpose, thinking, reality, development, vision, skills, conclusions, hope, internal world, external world, education, circumstances, feeling, love and advice. Your work has shaped the trajectory of my life. You are a reason for me to live in the world. Thanks again for your hard-work. Welcome back and resume your hard-work because without it I will not live or continue to survive in my life.

Sorry to hear you're going through all this, I totally sympathise as I can recognise some of your story in my life too. You're the innocent victim of domestic abuse and violence, your feelings of anger, suicide etc are the result of the trauma you experienced. My advice is to seek professional help, it sounds too intense to deal with by yourself. If necessary, your family owe it to you to pay for it too.

Wishful thinking. You're not thinking clearly in this matter. You're emotionally dogmatic and irrational with that position. I mean come on. "Suicide is always a dumb decision. Never be suicidal." That's like those fanatic anti-abortion people who go crazy only because their fucking emotions go bananas.

I have suicidal thoughts related to a difficult situation I used to be in. After my grandfather died, my step father moved in. He was abusive for about 5 years before finally being evicted. My money was stolen, he punched mom in the face yelling "stupid fucking whore," and destroyed the house. Meanwhile, mom blew money on drugs and lied to all of her children constantly. She told me to stay out of everything that was happening and focus on myself. She told me that there was nothing I could do, but I refused to accept what would continue had I done nothing. I did not listen to her because I did not my step father to hurt her. She tried calling the police multiple times and they did nothing. While considering suicide, I sometimes told myself "I don't care.". I recognized that these words were not congruent with my actions because I acted like I cared about the safety of my family. By recognizing that this was a lie, I was unable to convince myself to kill myself. I continue to have suicidal thoughts because of how I handled this difficult situation. I felt that I was powerless, but refused to accept the situation. I now have thoughts of killing myself because in the process I became addicted to anger. I told myself I should hold onto it because there is otherwise nothing I can do. I hurt myself a lot in the process. When directing this anger toward my step father I considering killing him or myself. I noticed that my thoughts stopped making sense when considering killing him. This is similar to murderers whose motives can't be understood because they sound perplexing when explaining What they were thinking. This could be a consequence of lying. What happened actually is that I moved out of the house and in with my grandma where I live today. I then made a power point presentation for language studies. I explained everything I had planned and the entire situation at home. I did this because I knew that my mom and sister could still be hurt if I did nothing. I put the subtitles in English and translated it Spanish for about 100 people from many different language courses. My older sister thinks I'm inconsiderate because my younger sister continued going to school with everybody knowing what was happening in her house. I knew I could not calculate all of the consequences of my actions, so I followed my intuition. If mom is forced to be checked for drugs, the situation at home can't be kept out of the courts forever. My society would have the power to change the situation and potentially prevent my family from being hurt anymore. Eventually my step father was evicted and more students at school started writing about domestic violence. How should I approach the strong emotions surrounding this situation? I am having a lot of strong reactions during my meditations and I have a hard time handling them. "I hate myself" is still a repeating thought. I don't feel like changing the situation made me happier.

@BornToBoil Hey. Life is hard. It's true. No you won't go to hell if you commit suicide. I'm sorry if you feel pathetic right now. I hope you'll do better and find peace. There's so much more to life to experience, to love. There's plenty of reasons to stay alive. I hope you find those reasons.

It's not as much a "metaphysical suicide" as much as it is a stripping away of untruth. Pushing through to what? ? Pushing would imply that there is something to move away from.