LostStudent

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About LostStudent

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  • Birthday 12/23/1999

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    United States
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    Female

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  1. I've gotten a bit better at sitting still during meditation, my mind still wanders like crazy sometimes but I try my best to bring my attention back to my breath when this happens. I enjoy the brief moments of silence even though my meditation sessions is chaotic the majority of the time. One thing that's helped me with my loneliness these past few days is spending more time with my cat. My cat usually hates it when I hold him for too long but he's been tolerating it more lately, maybe he can sense that I'm lonely. Sometimes when I meditate my cat will lay on my lap, he's probably just resting but I like to believe that he's also focusing on his breath and staying in the present moment in his cat consciousness. Things have been going great with the friend that I met last week, we chat quite often and it's really nice having someone to talk to, I couldn't ask for a better friend. He hasn't shown any physical interest in me yet and I was considering making the first move, ultimately I decided against it because he genuinely seems interested in me and I don't want to ruin a good friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. Lately I've also tried to schedule my days better to keep myself busier. I noticed that my feelings of loneliness come more frequently when I have a lot of free time so I'm trying to pack my days full of productive activities. Things like exercising, cooking, and cleaning help keep me busy and it feels nice to unwind after a busy day.
  2. @Gesundheit I've tried but I haven't reached any clear answer. It depends how intense the feeling is during meditation, if it's not that intense I can just bring my attention back to my breath, if it's more intense I may end up crying and cutting my meditation session short. That sounds interesting, I haven't been able to reach those levels of clarity yet. I don't have good answers to most of these questions right now, loneliness feels bad to me and it feels like most of my actions are attempts to do what I think feels good. Things like cuddling my cat, talking to my friends, eating food, sex, and listening to music, make me feel good so I use them to try and tip my loneliness scale.
  3. @dflores321 I'm the same way and I don't even watch porn. It could be different for you but I think the root cause for why my mind is clouded by sexual thoughts is my low self-esteem and my desire for constant attention/affection.
  4. @Gesundheit Thanks for the tip. I've been trying to do this more lately and I can see why it might help. Some days are better than others but I'm gradually getting used to sitting still for so long.
  5. Pretty solid last few days. I changed my schedule around and started meditating after I wake up, it feels better meditating at the start of my day rather than in the middle. I'm still having trouble sitting still for 30 minutes but some days are easier than others. Not sure about the significance of this but something I've noticed is that my thoughts during meditation correlate to how I'm feeling in that moment, when I'm hungry I think of food, when I'm bored I think of my hobbies, when I'm lonely I think of my friends, when I'm horny I think of sex, etc. I haven't noticed any benefits post meditation but for now I'm glad that I have the 30 minutes to relax after I wake up. I ran into one of my old classmates while I was out for a run, we were pretty close when we shared that class but we didn't talk much outside of school, I remember finding him quite attractive and charming. We talked for a bit to catch up and he was just as charming as I remembered, I was delighted when he asked me for my number so we could hang out sometime. I feel good chemistry between us and I also see this as a win-win scenario, I'll be happy whether we remain friends or if something more meaningful developes between us. I think he's quite attractive and I hope he feels the same way about me because this could be a good opportunity for me to experience some intimacy. For now I'm just glad I have a great guy to talk to when I'm lonely.
  6. @AtheisticNonduality Ah I see, sorry I got a little confused. Yeah, I'm going to put in more effort in meeting new people. My goal is to meet someone and develope a deeper connection than just friendship but I don't want to set any expectations and my current goal is to just meet new friends.
  7. @Gesundheit I remember learning about Maslow's hierarchy of needs in one of my classes but I forgot about it until now. Thanks for the resource. Aside from reproduction, I have all my physiological and safety needs taken care of. Right now, I would say none of my needs in the love and belonging level are being met and I'm not too sure about the esteem level. I think this is a good idea and this will be my current plan. I'm going to spend more time connecting with my friends and trying to organize ways for us to socialize. In terms of physical intimacy, it may be challenging for me to find someone I would be comfortable starting a serious relationship with so I'm going to try and meet someone I'm attracted to who also shares a few interests with me. From there I'm hoping we can become friends with benefits and satisfy each other's physical needs. I think this kind of scenario would benefit me because I wouldn't have to commit much time into this kind of relationship and if things don't go as smoothly later, we can just part ways.
  8. @AtheisticNonduality Sorry I don't think I understand your euphemism, could you please elaborate? I won't get offended, just be straightforward. Are you saying that in my current state a relationship is me jumping off a cliff and I shouldn't find a high quality one because I'll get hurt either way?
  9. @Gesundheit Can I trust my feelings as a guide in my current state though? Something happened when I was a kid that made me constantly crave attention and approval from my parents because I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't like that. Now that I've moved out and grown older I don't get the same amount of attention and approval from my parents, maybe that's why I want to seek attention and approval through a relationship? The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. I've been doing this more lately. It helps a bit.
  10. Today was not my best day. I woke up at around 8 with a strong sense of loneliness so I struggled to get out of bed to start the day. I ended up staying in bed for another 4 hours alternating between crying and feeling sad. I got out of bed to shower and have a quick meal at around noon. I tried to meditate for 30 minutes and I had a hard time sitting still, I also noticed that a lot of my thoughts involved me being intimate with someone. I didn't try to supress my thoughts but I didn't feel I was able to fully focus on my breath. My mom called me several times during the afternoon, I didn't feel like I was in a good mental state to talk to her so I just texted her to tell her that I wasn't feeling well. Today wasn't a very productive day, I didn't do much aside from making dinner. I wrestled with the idea of installing tinder to get some kind of physical interaction but I decided against it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
  11. @Gesundheit Sorry I just saw your post. I've been trying to meditate for the last 2 days, I had a hard time sitting still for 30 minutes but hopefully I get better at that. I appreciate the tips though. I'm not too sure what you mean by this but I've noticed that I don't understand a lot of what people talk about on here, sometimes it sounds like riddles to me haha.
  12. @Gesundheit I think there's definitely some truth here. School occupied a large portion of my focus during the last few years and now that I'm done I feel like I lost a part of my purpose, it's possible I've always had these issues but I just swept it under my busy schedule. Most of my friends are in committed relationships and I feel jealous because I'm so lonely. When I experience something like the death of someone close to me I get sad and cry, when I cry it usually makes me feel better for a few days until I get sad and cry again. I'll usually repeat the process until I don't get sad enough to cry anymore. When I do this because I'm lonely I feel worse after crying and I also get this sense of helplessness, like I don't know how to feel better. I feel like I have to make some radical changes to my life, I spent 4 hours in bed today just crying and being sad, I really don't like where my life is headed right now. I'll try these things, thanks.
  13. @Gesundheit I was thinking about that but there isn't a clear pattern that I've noticed. I think it could also be a combination of me having more free time now that I've graduated and the loneliness from the lack of human interaction due to covid restrictions. I was thinking about getting tinder today for casual intimacy but I decided against it after some thought, I've never felt these feelings so strongly so it could be hormonal. I agree but I'm just not too sure where to start I guess.
  14. @MrBON I agree to some extent. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and none of them so far have been very serious so my experience is limited, but I've never been "addicted" to someone beyond immense sexual attraction. My inner dialogue in these cases has usually been something like "this guy's hot and he makes me feel good so I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, cool we even share a few interests". It sounds really shallow when I type it out like that but that's where my mind and priorities lie at this stage in my life. This kind of dialogue happens often but it doesn't mean I act on it each time, sometimes I'll see that it's a bad decision and shut it down. It could also be because my random nobody hasn't come yet. I'm not sure but I had a friend like this who got tons of girls, it was probably because he was kind, attractive, and a good football player.
  15. @soos_mite_ah Yeah I see it the same way.