XYZ

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  1. Because you are so used to relying on external feedback for your thoughts and feelings, so choosing positive states in spite of an apparently negative reality can feel disingenuous. But then you realize directly that your entire perception of events that seem objective are colored by the thoughts and feelings you ascribe to them, and this can be conditioned.
  2. Is there an online version you can copy/paste youtube videos to listen to?
  3. Happiness through self-acceptance feels more genuine than happiness based on automatic emotional feedback. True happiness I found also breeds complacency, if you are happy on the inside no matter what, why bother improving yourself, why bother doing anything? However, when you really do have some shitty circumstances in life that can't really be fixed, internalized happiness can get you through anything, can maintain that blissful state no matter what life and death brings you. But what you might be experiencing could be arrogance, happiness from an inflated ego, which still seeks external validation. It's a subtle difference, but one way I can tell myself if I'm authentically happy is if I'm totally okay being alone and invisible, un-noticed. If that bothers me and I feel lonely and frustrated when no one is paying any attention to me, then it was superficial happiness, the fragile surface level emotion. I guess the opposite is true too, if you feel really elated by social approval signals, even euphoric sometimes, it's because it feeds the ego. But if you're happiness stays nearly the same, like if for example, a beautiful woman smiles at you, it is grounded happiness with strong roots.
  4. After relapsing into wanking addiction thousands of times, I figure it all comes down to staying in the present. When indulging in it, I'm fantasizing about a past that could have been, a future sexual experience or an alternate reality. It's purely escapism, and the most addictive type for me since all else pares in comparison to the momentary thrill of jerking it to porn. I have to actually accept this, not run away form it, seek other more powerful hedonistic activities to, or construct a victim mentality around it. It is a real problem for me. I can have a few beers one day and then go for months completely sober, while some can't touch alcohol without going full alcoholic. Much the same way, lots of guys can masturbate once a week, every few days, once a day, while if I start playing with my dick it ends up being a nonstop fap bender for days or weeks. Likewise, lamenting how I wasted so much of my life fapping at the computer is letting the past define the present. Stop worrying about what had been, stop fantasizing about what if things were different, start living in the right here right now... even if life is feeling shitty, boring, stressful, hopeless and going nowhere, stay with that, be patient and stay out of the comfort zone of fapping and porn. I consider myself a very uncompetitive guy, but as someone pointed out to me once, I still have that masculine spirit when it comes to challenging myself to break personal records, keep pushing my limitations outward. If I say I won't fap again ever, I surely will. If I'm afraid of relapsing, I'm surely going to. But if I aim to keep breaking my last celibate streak, and be free to have a wank once I've exceeded it by a week, that is something readily visualized, an actionable goal. And seemingly so easy, don't have to actually do anything, just not play the skin flute. Not sure if this is helpful advice or more just self-reflection on my own journey.
  5. I learned how to choose happiness through dealing with life and getting in touch with my emotional states and thought patterns, also with physical practices, particularly breathwork. Only thing I've unhappy about recently is my financial future, or lack of money security, and not having the kind of material provisions for living a financially independent minimalist lifestyle. I had some brief bouts of depression this year feeling miserable in my present situation, and which each one developed more resilience, dug deeper into my psyche and reprogrammed myself for positivity and gratitude. This is one of many examples of ways in which I develop emotional mastery, evolving to embody a blissful state regardless of my circumstances, so I could be dirt poor or filthy rich and still radiate happiness. The flipside, which might seem negative to a lot of people, is that extreme emotional mastery is the ultimate coping mechanism. They were borne of feelings of helpless victimhood, being faced with unpleasant realities I felt powerless to change, and so I turned inward and conquered the domain of my internal world. Whereas more normal people are motivated by negative emotions to change the things which they perceive to be the cause. Prime example of this is that I try to help lonely guys or 'incels' learn to be happy alone and accept the reality of human sexual dynamics. So my niche would be along the lines of self-acceptance and internal mastery, whereas most self-improvement guides would try to get guys to keep trying harder and change themselves to become more attractive. I will be talking to people I know and see about what trainings would be best, and find some environments to further test & refine my ability to uplift others.
  6. Many have said that being unhappy and discontent with your finances is the main motivation to make more money. Along these lines being happy with what you have is actually a limiting mindset, it's complacency within your comfort zone. But finances, like relationships, you don't have complete control over, even if taking 100% responsibility for them is virtuous, you can't always get what you want. Everything in moderation, including moderation. It would be great if you would be just as happy if you won the lottery or were broke and homeless. But so too, it is in everyone's best interests is we constantly push out limits, get uncomfortable and unhappy about staying in the same place, to hunger for more giving and receiving of abundance.
  7. Serious question really. You know there are plenty of people who have plenty of money, but it isn't making them happy. And lots of people who learned to be happy in life, but struggle with having enough money. Looks like an ideal value exchange waiting to happen! Everywhere, online and in real life, I see people being angry, bitter, depressed, even suicidal because of what looks to me as silly little emotional issues that can be overcome with some simple changes of perspective, some bodywork practices and lifestyle changes. Emotional mastery is something I've been developing through enduring and growing through many kinds suffering & discomfort, synthesizing what I've learned from psychology and philosophy, as well as my experiences with yoga and spirituality. I would say this is a gift I would like to share this with the world... What would be some great opportunities to test and refine this skill in real life, interacting with people directly as opposed to just conversing and posting material online? This I can ask about volunteer opportunities, I'm considering volunteering at a depression/suicide crisis center. When ready, I would also need to choose a medium as for how I'm going to provide value by uplifting others. Become a life coach who specialized in happiness coaching?
  8. @Robert We can all learn from multiple perspectives, not needing to take anyone's viewpoint at the exclusion of others. Come to think of it, lonely guys would benefit form hearing the stories of those like them who have transformed themselves into studs or found the wife of their dreams, and others who have learned to cope and thrive without sex & relationships, learning to be happy nevertheless. I found your posts very helpful and appreciate it.
  9. Any introduction to psychology textbook is a good place to start
  10. The greatest paradigm shift you can have is to stop viewing a girlfriend as a thing to be gotten. I don't believe in any such things as being single or coupled, they are a false duality, these are just concepts and imagination.
  11. @F A B See @Robert Love and belonging are subjective states of being though, you can experience them in any environment, with your own self, with all of life, the universe, with God and with other people. The psychological traps are: Believing there is a line between being 'alone' and 'together'. Interpreting your body's mechanisms for fulfilling the biological imperative of procreation as authentic survival needs that can and must be satiated. As simple mammals human beings were primarily concerned with group protection and sexual conquest as their mode of living, they experienced intense emotional pain when lacking those things in order to go an seek them. But we live in a totally different world where hourly survival doesn't depend on group co-operation and very little of sexual activity is intended for reproduction. If and when there comes a breakdown in society, as seen during natural disasters, people will really need each other in an immediate sense, and learn to work together. And indeed it seems that the closest friendships are forged by necessity, like co-workers, soldiers or neighbors forced to cooperate as they are dependent on each other to complete an objective. A comfortable environment where most of our necessities can be met with a few clicks leads to a world of increasing alone-ness. Whereas in primitive times just existing as human beings of the same tribe was enough to foster an alliance, we now have to find common interests, things to talk about, things to do together. Times of peace and prosperity are times of declining social capital. It's not uncommon for when I say that I'm happy alone and tell lonely guys they can also be, others will say No No No! You need sex, you need friends, you're repressing emotions, you're lying to yourself! That just seems like projecting your own version of reality and talking down to others who can't have certain things, or don't have the same value systems. I'm E/INTP and Eneagram type 5 though, so it could be just easier to re-contextualize things, to step outside of social and even biological conditioning. As I get older I genuinely enjoy being alone more, while at the same time, have much more fun socializing when it does happen.
  12. But it isn't a need, just a strong desire, and not even for a any specific thing, but a concept, a fantasy, an ideal situation you are imagining. You won't die if you don't receive female validation, fall in love, and make love. Treating it as a need only leads to suffering, whether or not you experience such things. Honey is something that tangibly exists, and you can own a jar of honey. Relationships, meanwhile are shared experiences that require other's cooperation, and you can't "have" another person like you can have a jar of honey. You seem to be confusing suppression with transcendence. If something indeed feels like a need to you, and you pretend not to care about it, that is suppressing. To transcend a need is to master personal development to the point where something which once felt very necessary, and you desperately longed for it and suffered in it's absence, is recontextualized so that it's genuinely no longer a need, you are able to just let go of the desire, and thrive emotionally, having liberated yourself from the attachment to it. You could not do this with food, water, sleep, oxygen, etc. But sexual things, absolutely! We can learn to exercise significant control over our emotional states, and in uncomfortable, painful, stressful situation this ability is tested and refined. The periods of negative emotion become shorter and you become more resilient afterward. My point being, it's in the best interest of everyone to get out of states of bitterness, anger, depression and victimhood with regard to sex/relationships. In this way, the less you see people as means to alleviate your loneliness, more likely those kinds of things will naturally happen, not all that counter-intuitive. And if they don't, well hey, it's alright, because you don't base you happiness & self-worth upon gaining approval or sex. One thing I do try to emphasize from my own experience is that my interactions with women are far more fulfilling after I stopped trying to get anything from them. The TAKE attitude is off-putting, self-centered, isolationist- the GIVE attitude is expansive, open, inviting. When not invested in whether people like you or not, you can be yourself, live in the moment, smile, laugh, cry, have deep conversations or make a complete fool of yourself... and this has allowed for far greater connection, and intimate moments with women, than when I used to be concerned with being attractive. And I'm a pretty oddball case myself, I would assume most normal guys would easily get into relationships once they just let go and ACTUALLY stop seeking them. And you know, actually go to social activities where you talk to people, see regulars you befriend and meet new folks, not afraid to introduce yourself and start conversations. Been sleeping better the last few days, and I'm grateful for the challenge of my situation. Like I've said, it makes me lots more emotionally resilient, and grateful. Last week I remember I felt miserable about it sometimes, than made a mental list of things that I appreciate about living here, and it led me to realize how lucky I actually am, how fortunate I've been, and how bright the future could be- but 'living in the now ' is the best way I've learned to cope with anything in life. Leo said that even physical suffering is really just emotional suffering, and maybe this seems to be the case. Regardless, the reason I hate neediness is it is a selfish way of looking at the world and towards other people, wondering what they can do for you, what you can get out of them, primarily seeing them as a means to an end. Sure, people of higher consciousness wouldn't put down others for feeling & projecting an aura of neediness, but coming from that place is a barrier to forming connections. If I have a new friend who has a house with a spare room, I'd want to ask if I could crash there at least temporarily, but neither of us would be comfortable bringing that up until we've develop a friendship based on valuing each other for who we are, no what we can offer. Likewise if someone came to me complaining about being incel and depressed. I'm passionate about helping guys grow out of those mindsets, but approaching me with such negative energy right off the bat would make me uncomfortable with them, un-trusting, like they see me as a repairman for their personal problems. I don't want others to feel this way about me either.
  13. I've encountered lots of this before, and came to the conclusion that people who are mostly extroverted only get very analytical and inquisitive when they are emotionally invested in something. Therefore, they will take thorough questioning as an emotionally charged argument, and respond with their own emotional reactions, even taking it as a personal attack if their point of view is challenged.