XYZ

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  1. Maybe should've made a suppository instead.
  2. The setting was also a factor, just like one would be hesitant to let out a huge fart during shavasana in a yoga class, it didn't feel like the place to head into a full on death with no breaks. Afterwards I told the teacher like holy shit, I meditated so hard I left my body and almost died but, stopped it in just time before having a heart attack. After understanding/contextualizing it more in the following week, told her it was a first tiny glimpse into awakening, I'm not trying to do that again, but if it does happen, and I don't get in the way of myself this time, don't be afraid, everything's okay, just let it happen.
  3. @arlin Easy to find the video. @Leo Gura Part of the problem is the limitations of language itself. Even if English vocabulary evolved to include existentially neutral pronouns, language is all abstraction which can never accurately describe reality. There was a transcendence of self, a glimpse of waking up from the dream, but the dream body was still barely there. Awareness picked up on the sensation of a 400 BPM? heartbeat as it was leaving the dream entirely. It was conscious that it was waking up from the dream, that it was just a dream, that thing called live never really happened, and no time had passed between entering the dream and returning from it. But nevertheless, it decided to return to the dream, to keep playing the human game. Just a few hours ago, another perspective emerged. "I" had expressed before how suicide was no longer a desirable course of action due to sheer selfishness, to selfish to give up life until forced to, while at the same time, keeping the possibility of suicide open as a last resort to escape suffering. Wanting to have a mystical experience was also motivated at least subconsciously by a desire to escape from life, to feel special, to break out of the petty material world of "ordinary existence." But upon the direct experience of both life and death being imaginary, there was nothing more to escape from, nowhere to go but right here and now. It was seen that the life dream is not separate from divinity, nor is there a self separate from reality. Easy to think how those who realized this are just being egomaniacs, but it's the most humbling thing ever. Since there was nothing to run from any more, the dream body started to breathe deep, and relax back into the dream. Reading/listening to stories of other awakenings, and some like Adyashanti report the same experience of a heartbeat like they overdosed on meth, then literally dying all the way, had to let go and accept the end of life they knew as a human, completely dissolving into God. Then they came back into their bodies enlightened. That could have happened then, sure, and sure that from within the multiplayer physical reality simulator, other characters would think one of them had a seizure or heart attack, they would've called an ambulance and made a big hullabaloo of it. There's not even a self to want to become enlightened, or not want it, is there really a choice, can it be avoided, why become enlightened when there is no one to become enlightened, why think there is any control over it, why think...
  4. Have a KitKat bar.
  5. But morality is still relative, not an absolute.
  6. Just remember to breathe deep while you're happy and excited.
  7. I may have forgotten to breathe, and that is what caused the near-death experience, which certainly could have resulted in literal physical death if I did not stop it in time and consciously breathe deeply to bring life back into the body. Since then, while in a sound bath, yoga shavasana or meditating I focus on deep breathing, which itself brings plenty of mindfulness and healing. What has come back to memory since then is that there was a brief moment of "waking up" from the dream of life, and being between states of consciousness, being aware that I'm not the body, while also aware that the body was going into meltdown. Then it was a conscious choice to come back to the body, to resume playing the character of "me" in the dream world. Conceptually, I can no longer claim to be a victim of existence, since I could have used that opportunity to exit the dream, but voluntarily chose to stay longer. Most apparent change noticed in direct experience is that "no self" is more palpable in every waking moment now, like the seer has become the seen. I have no clear mental memory of what happened between the deepest part of the transcendent experience starting and becoming aware of the sensation of my heart beating like a jackhammer, but there is a body memory of that, which could be interpreted as the ego being "disproven." There is deep inner peace, but also lots of thoughts and fantasies, which seems like ego trying to maintain control after being found out as an illusion. I wasn't trying to die, I was hoping to experience love. But it all makes sense now, when no longer attached to ego, there is a power vacuum left for unconditional love to take place. When there is no self to defend anymore, the void left by relinquishing selfishness is filled by love, since it is the default state of pure being. Expect it to be a slow and gradual process, not expecting to become "enlightened" but with a simple goal of allowing myself to become more loving.
  8. Yes, it's the attachment to sexual desire that causes suffering, not that the desire exists. There's no one right way to go about it, to change yourself to get the sex/relationships you want, or to change yourself to be just as happy without that. But in the end you come to realize that desire is empty, it cannot ever be satiated. No matter how much sex you have, intimacy you experience, or how much porn you jerk off to, it will never be enough, you will always want more, there is no end. Forget all the talk about becoming desire-less or enlightened, you can't will yourself to become those things directly. All you need to do is take a step back and observe the body, it's thoughts, feelings, sensations, without identifying with them. But without falling into the trap of denying or repressing, or disowning your animal self, the key is to become acutely aware of that aspect of your being and how it tries to convince itself that it's entirely what you are.
  9. Maybe you can help me make sense of this. Was it my sympathetic nervous system system kicking into overdrive because it was frightened by ego death? Background: Over the past year I've experienced semi-mystical states while asleep sometime, documented here: And I've hoped to recreate this state of "deep love vibration" and go deeper into it during conscious waking meditation activities. I went to a mantra, meditation and sound bath event, with a plethora of unique instruments and musicians leading it. I was already very relaxed before the sound bath part began, and I wanted to just let go, let go of thinking, and let it take me as deep as we could go, that was my intention at the beginning. Soon, it felt like my consciousness was expanding beyond my body, and then oscillating from side to side, and then I was flying sideways in one direction. This self like a similar sensation as I'd experienced in the hyperdreams, and started to feel more and more blissful, what little thinking was still happening was excited to consciously enter the vibration, to let myself dissolve into it. And sure enough, I turned into a whirlpool, at least that's how I'd describe it afterward. It felt really good, getting deeper and deeper. But at the same time, my heart beat shot up, pounding rapidly at a superhuman pace. I don't remember that happening in the trippy dreams I've had, but maybe I was just not aware of it. Even today it took a while for me to notice this, and by the time I did, it felt like I was going to die. To do so would have felt completely euphoric, I am sure, and if I was alone in bed while experiencing this, I may have kept letting go. But it wasn't death itself I was afraid of, but I was afraid of making a scene there, or suddenly waking up in a hospital, or scaring the other participants, musicians and teachers with my lifeless body lying there after the class. I listened to the video where Leo described his experience going through literal death on 2-CB, as well as other accounts of ego death where they say that in the moment is is indistinguishable from what feel like permanent physical death. I thought I could surrender to such experiences, and it was the rapid heartbeat that scared me, the way my heart was beating felt actually lethal, I was sure my body was going to die if I didn't bring my heart rate down fast. An additional factor was that today a wild fire erupted not far from where I live here in California, and while I had to go outside for a few things earlier, and on the way to the event, I was chocking on smoke and ash. Just earlier this month a man died of cardiac arrest from hosing down his house to prevent it from burning down (the irony, the house 'lived' but he didn't), and that also flashed in my mind as I was going down. So I decided to come back... I began to breathe deeply into the diaphragm, still not fully in my body, most of me was in another dimension spinning around wildly, but still felt the heart beating out of control. While now breathing consciously, part of me still wanted to stop fighting it, go fully into the other dimension that was still gripping me, let my body do what it will, or cease completely. But I resisted this again and stayed present. The whirlpooling and heart pounding eventually gave way to a peaceful floating sensation, and then I opened my eyes, grateful to be alive, and enjoyed the rest of the sound bath breathing deeply, and present in my body. There was a pleasant afterglow, but nothing like the deepest dream state I had where I partially dissolved into what I can only describe as a deep love vibration. Those hadn't happened in a while, maybe because I've been sleeping better, they usually occurred while I wake up early, sleep deprived, then take a morning nap. My sensations of altered consciousness during the sound bath were definitely on the same track as during those dreams, so I wonder what went wrong, or different. Maybe I wasn't breathing enough, one difference is that I sleep on my side, which allows deep breathing. So when on my back, maybe I forgot to breathe, or had a hard time breathing in such a stimulated state, plus the effect of the fires too. Maybe I wasn't spiritually developed enough, and have much more ego that I could admit to myself, so when the ego starts to dissolve, and I am wide awake not tired and dreaming, I panic. Do the deepest meditators master their subconscious more before they experience ego death while in meditation posture? Do psychadelics shut off the part of the nervous system that overreacted? Anyways, I feel fine and have yet to see how this will change me, I sort of feel less nervous and afraid in general. I didn't think that I was nervous and fearful before, but this brink of death experience may help me let go more in everyday life, let go of things that now seem so petty, less attached to things, more calm open towards people. I'm about to a gentle breath meditation with the Apana Vayu Mudra just in case. It is said to strengthen the heart, and people have used it while actually having a heart attack, and it stopped, so certainly can't hurt to do now.
  10. I have yet to watch Yang's Q&A livestream, and once I do will have better understanding of his strategy. But one important difference is that he does not see improving technology or globalization as a problem, realizing that it actually improves quality of life for Americans and the rest of the world. These things are only a problem when individual survival still depends upon maintaining employment or running a profitable business. In this sense it is the opposite of Bernie Sanders' vision of jobs for everyone. Embracing technology, including automation, and passing on the decrease in labor needs to the general population, not just the owners of the technology. This increases freedom both in the form of receiving guaranteed income, and the freedom of time that this would provide. I didn't hear either one mention working hours yet, but an obvious consequence of UBI is that people who still need to work can afford to work less hours, not forced to conform to the 40 hour work week. As it is, Americans work the most of any developed country, and neither wages nor time off has kept up with the average increase in worker productivity. Basically this. Andrew Yang wants to re-define work, as I mentioned above and he repeats in every appearance. This isn't just empty virtue signaling, but would actually be a metric to observe how people actually spend their time. There would be less formal employment after UBI, which there would be anyway due to increased productivity/efficiency, companies needing less and less human labor. But the expectation is that it would empower Americans to "work" more than ever before, and create a net increase in human capital, a more accurate representation of national prosperity than GDP.
  11. Bernie Sanders' position is that a "federal jobs guarantee" is "superior" to UBI because it would put people to work and create a productive society, he believes that the American populace generally does want to work, in the traditional sense, and that University level education should be free and all past student loan debt cancelled. The obvious self-bias being that he himself has worked in government for decades and has been surrounded by employees of the federal government doing their jobs, and so he proposes that anyone in need of work can be put into one of those roles, and expand the government to create enough jobs for anyone who needs/wants them. If the federal minimum wage is raised to $15 as well, as he advocates, even less non-government jobs would exist, and even more people would depend on government work. Another thing left out of this national employment plan would be housing and transportation, as many who lack stable home environments and a means to get places reliably are "too poor to work." Yang argues that not everyone would be willing to just work for the government, nor that the government can simply make enough work. This point is often followed by re-defining "work" to not just mean having a job or running a business, but to also include the other ways in which people spend their time productively, such as caring for family members, serving their communities directly and passion projects that create human value. He also seems to embrace technological advancements that contribute to higher quality of life in the US, but also mean that less people are needed as traditional employees. He does not think that UBI will incentivise laziness and work-avoidance, since Americans want more than just $1000/month income, and working families would keep working while meeting more of their basic needs. What UBI does is allow people to depend less on private employers or the government for their survival, which results in better working conditions and pay, a more progressive economy than capitalism as usual. Both visions would have many advantages and disadvantages, helping to correct present known problems, but producing plenty negative consequences along with it. Either way would be very radical and unpredictable, but I would take such a radical plan to address poverty and homelessness in the US. A hybrid of both strategies along with many other nuances would be better than either extreme, and if neither becomes president, Bernie as chairman of the SEC and Yang as head of the treasury would be ideal. Nevertheless, I forsee that Andrew Yang will only become more popular. Campaigning on a thousand dollars a month for every American sounded like a joke at first, but he has made clear by now that could seriously happen, and argued strongly for it, addressed many of my own initial doubts and criticisms. Because that UBI could be the difference between life and death for some, or between uncomfortably poor and comfortably poor for a great many, anyone concerned primarily with their own survival would go for him regardless. Another strong argument for UBI is that it can be started right away, offering immediate relief. Fixing healthcare, job market, housing market, etc. could take years, or get blocked perpetually by political gridlock.
  12. Speaking of comic book villainy: This is the actual packaging on Uralasbest shipments of asbestos. I'm not a believer in the Trump-Russia collusion narrative, but found Trump's comments on asbestos quite similar to what Putin has said about using Asbestos in Russia, and since it is the top exporter, de-regulating asbestos in the US is big business for Russia.
  13. After my father died I found a report from a child psychology clinic I went to at 10 that recommended an Apergers' diagnosis. But I was never made aware of this before then, and had no idea what autism was until my mid 20s. A few years ago when I last saw a therapist, he had his supervisor sign off on a diagnosis of ASD for a bus pass application, the first official recognition. No record of it though, and I'm trying to get a formal diagnosis now at 30. I would seem perfectly normal in an office setting, hence my fear that I won't get accurately diagnosed- and then able to qualify for resources under the guise of having the "disability." They don't see me trying to walk around in public places like stores and busy sidewalks, and talking to people organically (other than doctors/psychologists), the situations when my autism is most obvious.