XYZ

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About XYZ

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    Los Angeles County, CA
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    Male
  1. I had a resurgence of tinnitus this week, and am surprised at how it seems like not even a problem anymore. Even when it's quiet and very noticable, I just don't emotionally react to it anymore, like it doesn't even annoy me. While awake I don't obsess over it, stay relaxed enough to fall asleep, and while sleeping I don't notice it. One thing that has helped me gradually heal tinnitus and acoustic sensitivity in the past is putting helicrysum essential oil inside and around the ear. This is supposed to repair nerve damage, and while it didn't cure it completely, helps a lot. So I ordered myself some more cause even though I have no problem living with louder tinnitus again, this can probably take it back down to baseline levels barely noticeable except it pitch quiet.
  2. Better on the carpet or a rug, so the spine can lengthen and decompress against a straight surface. I've never been able to fall asleep on my back, only lying on the side.
  3. @pointessa Hardly. As I probably explained for the umpteenth time already I can't simply go get myself a place to live and viable income. There's literally no way, everything is a bloody competition just to find a way to meet your basic physical needs in life. In the transition period between the failure of vulture capitalism and the government providing housing and work for everyone who needs it (or if I happen to win the lottery, be helped by well connected resourceful friends, write a book and be offered creative opportunities, etc.) I would still keep shamelessly leeching, while being grateful for the ability to do so, and enjoying the interim freedom from wage slavery, even with some aspects of life being subpar. Meanwhile I'm keeping on experimenting with techniques to improve sleep quality, and daily energy regardless of sleep interruptions. Eating less and not eating longer before bed has helped. Successfully weaning myself from excessive computer use, being less sedentary, going on more long walks again and when at home more active, doing more meditations. Also some wall noise has worsened, but now I can tell it's obviously plumbing related, and probably something that can be fixed.
  4. I'd certainly kill myself before I'd become one of those dirty smelly homeless I see/smell on the bus, or begging for money on the street. I don't see myself as above them, I don't compare myself to others, and that's whole idea here, self-exceptionalism. It doesn't matter to me that most people are wage slaves, a recent stat in the media about the gov. shutdown reported that 78% of Americans live nearly paycheck to paycheck with little savings. Like I said, I'm certainly willing to work like 30 hours a week, provided I had a safe warm place to live where I could sleep well and easily walk or cycle to work. In the US we're inevitably moving towards a time when basic housing and employment would be considered a basic right you can be provided with, if you're unable to compete for it in private enterprise. Until then I'll continue to leech off my mother, still buy some amount of lottery tickets, work on my writing and explore other options. Meanwhile breaking my addiction to internet/computer and other sedentary activities, and enjoying simple things in life like going for walks, and deepening my yoga, meditation and breathwork practices. What I found is the most powerful thing within my control is managing my own thoughts and feelings. I could view myself as a helpless victim forced to suffer through life, or as enjoying the luxury of being able to sleep whenever my body and the environment will let me and have my survival needs provided for. But no matter how positive my attitude and how happy and grateful I feel, still stuck in hard coping mode given the objective limitations.
  5. Never actually been to a psychiatrist, teachers just thought I was weird and disruptive, there wasn't much awareness of autism spectrum when I was a teenager. But I did find a note from a counselling center I went to at age 10 recommending a diagnosis of "Asperger syndrome" and 2 therapists I saw as an adult told me I'm on the spectrum, one had his supervisor sign off on an application form for the disabled rate bus fare. So I assume what I would do is get on medicaid and then get referred to a psychiatrist or go to some kind of assessment center. Even on autism forums, to lots its not very clear how to get formally diagnosed as an adult if it wasn't detected in school and you don't have a doctor you see regularly.
  6. @pointessa It's a small shithole apartment, no other space to go set up a sleeping quarters. Sometimes I can sleep better, but never can predict when I will be ready to go to bed, or wake up, or if I can fall back asleep or not sleep enough and still be feeling lethargic the rest of the day. Today I slept above average, but the total time in bed was between 1-11am, not sure how much of that was being asleep. Public transit is pretty disgusting these days, usually filled with smelly homeless people. I only ride the bus is its' empty enough to stand the whole ride or I go home and change my clothes afterward. Would sooner just walk an hour to get somewhere. I'm preparing to get the formal diagnoses and get financial matters handled so I can qualify for government benefits and services. Won't be able to do that until my actual 30th birthday, when I'd have access to what's left of the funds, pay off all credit card debt and have the rest managed in a way that doesn't disqualify me from programs. As far as writing, I'm considering carefully how to go about it. What to include, what to leave out, and how autobiographical I want to make it, versus focusing more on the content less on the writer. And in any case, I plan to work on breaking computer/internet addiction more first, then once that's handled,c an engage in planned sitting where I consistently work on the project.
  7. I can empathize, but still maintain a self-centered position. I applied for hundreds of jobs between 2015-2017 and no one would hire me for anything, and of course what I could apply to was limited because couldn't afford a car. By now, I literally have not had a job since late 2010, which I was fired from. I'm certainly willing to do some kind of work, but must have such an opportunity given directly to me, not told to go compete for it. What fantasy world do you live in when anyone can just go get a job if they want. But yes I do obsess over my uncomfortable and unhealthy living situation, because it keeps me towards the bottom of the self-actualization pyramid. There's no chance I could keep a consistent sleep schedule and be reliably well rested for work the way things are. You seem to think if I just had a job and went there everything would fall into place, but I had a taste of that not too long ago with jury duty. Having to be somewhere at 9 every day, I only got 4-5 hours sleep and could barely keep my eyes open in court. Forget about the past, I made this thread to explore options for what I can do right now, learned lots, but still no solution to the major problem, lacking some foundational necessities. There's also the autism, I'm extremely sensitive, both emotionally and sensorimotor wise, but also can't display affective empathy towards strangers. No therapist could help me with that, and it seems the more self aware I become the worse it gets, since I know how I react, I became even more dysfunctional to stay relaxed, like avoiding people making eye contact with me or walking close to through on a narrow space. Know of any type of work where they don't care how I dress, and are okay with me not wanting to casually sharing eye contact and facial expressions with strangers, and going out of my way to avoid bumping into or rubbing up against other people walking by?
  8. @pointessa I typed a longer reply to this but I lost it. But these are oversimplifications, snap judgments and misunderstandings. Maybe you are also angry if you and most people are under the gun needing to make money constantly to survive, while I'm getting away with being a freeloader. If you can sleep in a quiet bedroom with air conditioning there's no advice you can offer on my own sleep hygiene, nothing to compare your experiences to. Believe me, I'd gladly be able sleep from 12-8AM daily and work 30 hours a week 11-5 or so if I could. A right to guaranteed housing and employment isn't such a radical political idea anymore. America is waking up to the failures of capitalism, and reforms will inevitably come to help those who are willing to work but can't compete in the economy and housing market. I don't need any rationalizations or moral justifications for anything I do or don't do, life at this point is about just coping with existence day by day. But with specifically my mother, I really don't care if I'm being a burden on her since I never asked to be born, and she & my late father being directly responsible for my existence, and to cope with life I'll take from her whatever I can to ease my own suffering. I just threaten suicide whenever she threatened to kick me out, and I honestly think about guilting people into helping me by mentioning that I feel suicidal due to sleep deprivation and someone can prevent it if they can house me or know of a place I can stay at least until able to support myself. I can hold multiple perspectives simultaneously though, and in spite of all this, be grateful to be able to do simple things like go for long walks outside, and do whatever I want in the cramped shithole I reluctantly call home. Also accept responsibility and victimhood at the same time, and this attitude empowers me to change things within my control, and accept that which are not. Getting into a positive mental/emotional state is as simple as doing some deep breathwork and mantra meditation.
  9. 404, what was it?
  10. What I got was: Existence just is, I just am. Even what I believed was the main physical and moral problem, there being a body that needs certain things in life and feels pain when needs aren't met, is only relative to that body, not the I, not existence itself. @Nahm I'm seeing how I'm using a victim mindset and focusing on what seem like external limitations as a denial of personal agency, and excuse for not doing what I actually am able to. Thinking too far ahead instead of focusing on what I am doing presently, distracting myself with hoping, wishing, fantasizing. Maybe I'm doing that again right now even. Denial of denial, or having an understanding of an understanding without actually understanding directly. What I do seem to get now is I have nothing to complain about if I'm not actually doing the small habits which can be done, and instead mope about things I want to do, or wish were different but can't change. Narratives, even my own birth and death, are just mental chatter, concept and imagination. Just after typing that out it occurs to me just how much time and energy had been consumed by wondering why I was born and how I might die, and the values attached to the idea that I was born and that I'm going to die. Letting that all go now.
  11. Not so much peace and honesty for it's own sake, but a desire to stop killing each other, knowing that could be the result of wronging someone. It's like a very rudimentary form of peace, through willingness to use force, and much less stable than stage Blue, where there are externally imposed rules to live by. In stage Orange, lying, cheating, manipulating is much more prevalent, because feeling insulated from the violence of primal human nature, people & groups feel emboldened to take advantage of others for their own gains, doing things that would get them killed in a Red/Blue society.
  12. Words of wisdom. I read that in Plato's voice, as this thread is reminding me of Adventures in the Book of Virtues (or adventures in the book of virtue signaling). The show itself is also very relevant for self-actualization, even for adults, especially for adults, and I'm learning a lot from re-watching it currently.
  13. Virtue signaling about virtue signaling is still virtue signaling.
  14. Exactly. When self-described incels say that they should get to go and have sex with any women they want, I remind them that such a world would also be one where any gay man can have their ass. But as I mentioned in the other thread about stage red, because there is such acute awareness of the violent nature of life, and willingness to fight and defend, peace within a tribe is valued, and there's a beautiful simplicity in just being direct, without any ideology or absolute authority. Well, not everyone can win just using the brain as you say, and many lose by getting stuck in their brain, "living in their heads" getting so absorbed in abstract concepts they are disconnected with the physical world and their own body. Healthy integration of stage Red would balance the primitive human nature with our advanced intellectual capabilities.