Serotoninluv

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About Serotoninluv

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  • Birthday 12/31/1969

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  1. @Leo-Tzu I would trust your authenticity and be genuine. Follow your intuition and inner desires. I wouldn't worry so much about what defines different stages. Some people feel a deep inner calling at a young age. Adyashanti was just a kid when he began feeling called to enlightenment/turquoise. You may have already had a few peeks into turqoise without intellectually knowing it. When I was younger, I had a few mystical experiences that I dismissed as being "wooo wooo and irrational".
  2. @Viking IME, sexuality isn't binary - it is a continuum with many flavors.
  3. @Leo-Tzu I was centered in Orange for a long time - and I have never been materialistic. I've never been driven for money. My Orange was about personal goal setting, science and rational/logical thinking. I was solid Orange without ever having a nice car, high paying job, fancy clothes etc. You say "deep down i feel i have to pursue more turquoise kind of pleasures ". I don't think the turquoise experiences are the type of pleasures you imagine them to be.
  4. @Simon Håkansson I was centered in stage Orange for a looong time (30 yrs). The goal-setting, the striving for achievements, degrees, publications and titles. After I was tenured at my college, the seeking for personal achievement dissolved. It just wasn't giving me a meaningful life. I had been very independent and self-sufficient. Then I started getting the sense that I was one in a community. I learned spanish and lived in poor communities in central and south america. I started noticing how other people were being treated unjustly. I noticed how disadvantaged kids don't have access to an education. I started dating women outside my race and had direct experience with racism. I began realizing my white privilege. I felt empathy toward those disadvantaged. I began making friends with progressives and we would rant against close-minded republicans, FoxNews, racists, my parents etc. I started watching shows like the Majority Report. I felt desire to help the disadvantaged. I changed my courses to teach about inequality, I joined our diversity committee. Most of my transition was driven by direct experience and emotions.
  5. @pluto8 Adyashanti's free ebook: The Way of Liberation is the best introductory guide to meditation I've read. It's short and to the point. https://d1c742hwzmv7ke.cloudfront.net/library/The_Way_of_Liberation_Ebook.pdf
  6. Last weekend I did a 60min. float after eating a 15mg THC edible. Recently I felt the urge to enter a meditative space without sensory perception. I know floats are not everyone's cup of tea, yet for me they can provide quasi-mystical states. This float offered some insight into concepts of pre-birth, extrasensory perception and evolution. When I fully let go of thoughts and concepts, my awareness was inside a womb. The only sound and sensation in the tank was the beating of my heart. It was very pronounced. It was as if it wasn't my heart. Just a heartbeat as if I was in a womb. Then, all this insight about what went into creating my mind-body. It started with my mom's body. All of her experiences, thoughts and emotions. Then everything in her environment. All of her friends co-workers. All the activity in life: parties, political unrest, trips, home repairs. . . Then all the input that went into that input. It kept expanding into infinity. In this expanded state, there was a voice that said "Ask me anything you want". I asked "what is genuine" and I was shown genuine. I asked what is "intuition" and I was shown intuition. I saw that intuition is a sense that is evolving in humans and one day will be as clear and distinct as our vision or hearing. I felt a yearning from the source of intuition, that it wanted to rise and evolve in humans. I had insight that evolution is not simply random mutations (this goes against my training as a geneticist).
  7. I've done about five sessions over the last two weeks. At first, it seemed silly and odd. My hands clenched and my arms and face were tense and tingly. I thought this is just hyperventilating - the kind of thing we did as kids to get loopy. The third or fourth session was a game-changer. I went deep into repressed memories of the body. In particular, being told tens of thousands of times that "You're not good enough! You're not doing it right! You screwed it up again!". Each time I had acted with good intentions and tried to please the other person. Yet, over and over again being told by teachers and parents I was a screw up. Then dating girlfriend after girlfriend of continuous criticism as I tried to make things ok. I've dealt with this mentally years ago, I understand it mentally and have helped other walk through it. Yet, apparently my body remembers and is not too happy about it. The shamanic breathing turned primal, animal. I have no idea how fast or deep I was breathing, what time it was, if my nose and throat were dry etc. I went into this zone - a mixture of anger and "enough already"! It got intense. Tears streamed down the side of my face. Not tears of joy or relief. It was just another way the trapped energy was seeping out of my body. Upon cessation, there was a lot of tension in my arms. I layed there for about 20min as the tension slowly seeped from my body. The next session, I revisited an Ayahuasca retreat I did last year. I was like I met Mother Aya for a bit to discuss some of the experience and how I've integrated it into my life. I've noticed some members compare shamanic breathing to tripping. I've had many trips on about 8 different psychedelics. So far, I would say the mindspace is like a half-step to a trip. Perhaps a bit milder than a weak psychedelic like Ald-52. Yet, the bodyspace of shamanic breathing is quite strong for me.
  8. @peanutspathtotruth I've recently started shamanic breathing and it's like a half-step to a psychedelic mindspace. For me, the shamanic breathing has a strong body component and a moderate mind component (relative to psychedelics). This was the first time I tried shamanic breathing as prep work. During the breathing, I revisited an Aya ceremony I attended last year. It was a rough ride as I struggled for control. During the shamanic breathing, there was an image that arose of me in a room with a wise teacher, like Mother Aya. I was asked if I was genuine and sincere about entering, because once I entered I couldn't leave. I had flashbacks of trips in which I wanted out, but couldn't make it stop. Here, some anxiety arose that I would be trapped in the room. There was a voice that said "Don't do it! This is going to be like those scary trip reports on actualized. Trust your intuition - Don't do it". This was balanced with memories that 5-meo-dmt has always seemed gentle to me and that I have had glimpses beyond self that were not scary. I think this tug-of-war led to a sense of humility and genuineness entering the trip. Right after the 5-meo trip, I saw the sense of discomfort on other trips was due to the sense of separation. As if the psychedelic removed all my mechanisms to cope with a sense of a finite self. So all that remained was finite self energy facing oneness - very uncomfortable. Here, the finite self seemed to completely dissolve - including all ideas, concepts and memories - for both mind and body. It's indescribable because it was beyond any concept, thought or feeling. As I came down, insights into my "character" emerged. There was no identification with the character - as if a larger entity grew a tentacle to experience itself. I don't know how to integrate this into my life. The revelation seemed so simple, easy and obvious. Like I have always know this. Yet, I had been living immersed in a manufactured reality my whole life. I must have been self delusional. I had considered myself very open-minded to the Truth. As my finite self returns, the question arises "What is self delusion? And will it return with the finite self?"
  9. 5-meo-dmt report: 20min. of shamanic/holotropic breathing, then plugged 27mg 5-meo-dmt. I'm at a loss for words to describe it. So expansive. It was like all the programming of concepts and beliefs vanished. No thoughts. No "me". Just everything. My mind is curious why the experience was so obvious, ordinary and ho-hum. Yet at the same time, beyond anything the mind can fathom. During the comedown my mind-body felt like a sensory unit for a vast organism. There was curiosity about parts of the body and interacting with objects. It was a radically different perspective. Like I had never been exposed to anything before. It was as if a higher entity was experiencing itself through my mind-body. Yet, the higher entity was so far beyond what an intellect can imagine. There was awareness that human beings create stories in an attempt to cope their thin sliver of perception of the whole. Scientists seemed like children trying to figure out how the parts of a toy work. As the self and human perception returned, there was some confusion as I went back and forth between the whole and a finite self. My mind questioned how I could possibly return to interact with people and work a job. Hours later, there was a sense that concepts and language could be used as a tool in life and put back on the shelf when no longer needed. Other trips with psychedelics seemed to highlight an aspect of the whole, such as the eternal moment or self-object. Here, I seemed to dissolve in the one. The realities humans create appeared so contracted and tiny. For now, the desire to figure out is gone and there is a wanting to return home. For the oneness to be and experience via it's mind-body. Yet, remnants of the finite self return. For now, there is awareness of the finite self, yet also a foreboding sense of dread that it will reassemble itself.
  10. @Sashaj It sounds like you are entering the “observer + object” stage. For me, I just got to know the observer. Then there was an energetic shift from seeking outside of myself to a wanting to experience the presence more deeply
  11. I see trauma. He didn’t choose to kill 17 people. It could not have been prevented. It happened exactly as it was “supposed” to. Regarding the shooting. On one level it’s amazingly simple: a happening appeared. On another level its amazingly complex: the appearance involved an infinite amount of input.
  12. @Miguel Oliveira Shamanic/holotropic breathing has been the most effective bodywork for me. It has revealed and released body memories and blockages/tension.
  13. @StardewValley You are perceiving a relative truth as if it were an absolute truth. IME, this can run really deep and often includes ingrained thoughts and emotions. For me, it's been a process of gradual and continuous steps back to the point of awareness. The statement "The animal rights people are clearly the right ones, from my perspective." is a step deeper. The key is that you added the qualifier "from my perspective". The next step is to acknowledge: "The meat-eaters are clearly the right ones, from their perspective." The next step is to let go of the idea/feeling that "my perspective is more right than their perspective". Until then, you will likely be immersed in trying to convince yourself and others that you are more right and be filled with tension. (As I was for many years on this topic). If you can let go of your attachment to your perspective, you are simply left with two perspectives. With time, you might get curious and ask contemplative questions such as "WHY might someone have one perspective rather than another?". "What type of conditioning/input may have promoted the appearance of one of the perspectives?". Or. . . "these are only two perspectives. could there be other perspectives? What might those be"? Letting go includes both the mind and body. I was able to let go mentally before bodily. For a while, I was mentally OK with having a meal with a meat eater, yet my body still felt tension.
  14. For me, it was important to let go of my conventional understanding of the terms. The conventional use of the term "everything" includes things outside of other things. Example: The house fire destroyed everything (in the house). In common language, we don't use the term "everything" to *really* mean everything. Rather, we mean every - thing (every individual thing) that we separate out from other things. Here, we mean every individual object inside the house. This is a very limited use of "everything" as it doesn't include any-thing outside of the house. If someone said "The house fire destroyed everything" - we assume this doesn't *really* mean everything. Just the every single thing in the house. When someone who is awakened to this uses the term "everything" it can seem odd because the listener has never heard it used in this context and has never themself used the term in this context. There has always been a limit to everything and one could conceive of some-thing outside of everything. Yet here, we really, really do mean everything. No limits. No "I like everything", "everything she cooks. . .". We mean everything with no limit or condition. If it really is everything, then all individual things are included in everything. ALL things are within everything. This is a radically different way to use the term. . . Here, there is no - thing (no individual thing) outside of every - thing. So, every-thing is no-thing. Now, the term "everything" doesn't make conventional sense, so some people may use other terms like absolute infinity rather than absolutely everything.
  15. IME, intellectual affirmations like that are effective in mid-range psychedelic zones, yet completely useless when entering the ego death zone. Those concepts are reflective of an ego trying to gain security and comfort. As a person approaches ego death, all concepts and beliefs are stripped away, including the one you offered. When I was a novice, I clung to concepts, deep beliefs and identity. Ego death was a terrifying experience. There is no way to sugar-coat it for the ego. The idea that I was only temporarily leaving my self and would return after the trip was one of the last ideas to be stripped away during my 2nd Ayahuasca ceremony. When things got rough, I checked my watched and told myself "It will only last a few hours, just run out the clock". After hours of struggling for control, anxiety, insanity and panic - a shadow of the ego returned to tell me to hang on, hours had past and it must be winding down. There was a brief sense of relief as I looked again at my watch. Three minutes had past. Three minutes!. Then full-on panic appeared as I realized I "couldn't run out the clock". I had to completely surrender or go through a hellish struggle that would be experienced as DAYS - not hours.