Manusia

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  1. @NorthRise I would watch it!
  2. @Hello from Russia Yeah.. it is happened.. I cannot understand english with curriculum in my school. I swallow english myself by watching youtube. Far more effective than any classes, I dont understand much of english rules but I do the rules. 😅 Thanks for reminder.
  3. I want to continue my study in germany next year if I can get the language right in my mind.. and I dont want to spent my money to courses without direct meeting with the instructor. This covid protocil is still strict in Indonesia. And why not use youtube as it free? Anyone have experience learn germany from youtube? is it effective?? or there is other media that more effective?
  4. My grandma died She is 60s.. I still cannot registered fully in my mind somehow. She is my mom figure. My home. Everytime I going home, my mind is imagine grandma warmth. Yeah. Life is like this. There is time to be together. Time to separate. Thanks grandma. Your love given to me always residued in heart, bones and soul miss you
  5. Knowing that I am stupid is easy. Accepting it make me have some big confusion. That one night is the worst night that I ever experienced. Forced to accept my own stupidity. My "yes I know" attitude is no serving shit. Notice the "intellegence mask" would come again.. It wont stop easily. If you broke now. Rest your mind, get out from your phone. Notice your mind will clinging to something trying to avoid the work, accepting it
  6. Surrender the sensation? But the ramification is.. This night. I have mini reflection to myself. I remind myself that thing that didnt work in the last phase of my life need to be surrendered. To be lose. And I constantly thinking with my mind. And aware that thing that always make me need to think and figure it out reality with overmasuciline style, overfregmentation. Is the sensation inside my head. I dont understand why. But every I loosen up little bit, there is lot of impusivity sensation in my experience to 'push' the button in my head. And figuring out mode is ON. The cycle.. I think it can be endless. I can say that maybe this is the nature of mechanical. It feels VERY EASY emotionally, almost comforting, got mediocore result when use it, not feel good, easily triggerred if something doesnt match/disturbing the cycle. I talk to myself. "This is not work, you already see it." I say to myself loudly when I drive motorcycle to hometown. "I am lazy as fuck, I love become lazy, there is bliss of comfort in it. I admit it. I admit it." I said so many times with different phase.. pointing to the same thing. And... I have sometalk with myself.. and eventually.. I ask myself to surrender that sensation in my head that always creating egoistical meaning. And what the fuck. Its hard. There is emotional avoidance. It is fear? Myself didnt want to see what is in front of me. And you know.. it feels weird. And somehow more alive and magical in sense. Admiting myself that I dont know anything is easy to say. And easy to decieve when you say "I dont know, really". Under the carpet is like "nope, I know something is true and I know truth somehow". Yeah.. thats my mind 🤣 Now my experience become more .. not understandable... but why it is clearer? this is like childhood experience.. dont know lot of stuff. Not thinking too much nonsense. And more present.. really. In the future, I want to work in this. I want to surrender more. I dont see much benefit anymore trying fake myself that I know the truth. Its just pain man. Surrender feels more healthy for me right now. I know maybe in sometime there is a plot twist, saying I do to much surrender. To attach to surrender. lol. Thats happen to me when I child.
  7. The thing is... My head always itching about enlightenment and conscioussness. My mind always try to grapple things up. Always can figure it out. Always neuroticly mapping reality. Labelling things.. like 'I know and always know'. Thats not work. That is foolishness. That is lie. And the peak is the end 2020. The tension is huge. Fragmentation of things make myself suffer as hell. Things need to be this way. Things need to be someway that fits my own known understanding. That is a root of my stupidity. Now I become more understand about the mechanic of knowing. Grapple things up is necessary to maintain healthy ego. But grappling to tight is another problem too. And I see in society.. we lie together.. think we didnt grap anything to deeply. But behind the curtain, we grap together so much much stuff. Until we afraid ti loosen up our hands little bit. Thats scary! I understand how capitalism mindset planted so deeply in my mind after watching last DW Documentary about Buthan. I cant think there is an alternative way to live. Im unaware that I am very orange. Fake myself. Use some mask for myself to fit in some kind of situation. To feel myself is worth. But deep down.. it doesnt feel so good.
  8. Leaving friend. I cant have a deep connection with my old friend anymore. I cannot be in relationship with people that not doing self development. I cant be a deep freind that not doing self actualization. And not have a clear communication is a big thing too. I dont know, but people that not have a life purpose caused some annoyance in me. And yeah.. I know it would go that way. People that have an indipendence vision to create something spark my heart. Move me. And people on the opposite, they limit me with doubt. Another problem is...this one friend constantly watching bad news in the internet. I mean.. when we talk nowdays, he interested talking about politics and somesort of world war III conspiracies. And I see in his eye.. its big conformity and fear. When I do want to conviece him that the habit he build isnt good, he told ... "its war man, do you not afraid when our country got attacked?". Like ... OK thats valid, but it robs you man. He cant see it. I cant say anything anymore. And I see the more day passed, the bigger our gap is. I only have a few friends.. and then... I need to let go. Whatever... my plan in getting relationship now more simple.. I pursue what I need to pursue in life. Working in my life. Working in life purpose. And when I meet people in the same road, we can be in a relationship. If he/she use different way, I can let him/her go from my life with the reason.. we just going in different path.. and thats very okay. Today I feels I am still a child inside. And getting in maturity process, experiencing more pain. Letting go the things that not work anymore. I'm tired of chasing things. It just fake and not work.
  9. U Me too. Drive me crazy, I judge myself hard af. Emotionally crazy and neurotic af. Until now I still did. I dont see much context in your post... but here is my advice. Feel the full pain that you avoid in the criticism. Feel it through. See it. When it feels difficult, that precise moment is the best time to do the work.
  10. You right... And I enjoy reading your journal!
  11. Rejection, again and again. What is sensation behind my skull? Everything feels rejecting me. My mind always pretend that nothing happened. Deep inside, I always feel a big dissapointed. My worldview expectation not match with reality. The more I think from my own self, the more I got rejected by people. I need more rejection. To be OK to not indluded in any particular worldview or people. To be me and weird af in my enviroment. To love myself more. To not easily selling my self for comfort. I feel my skin become more.. thick? Yeah the last week I become completely different person. Idk but I just cannot do the thing that I dont want to do. Before that time, honestly I cannot differentiate things that I really want to do or thing that I do to comfort other people/ fit in some kind of situation. I cant really lying. I say what I really need to say. I think what really a thing to me, I got some kind of power for owning myself almost fully. My mind feels like stopped.. but not emptiness. Its just like stop. I think that happened because I dont have anything to cling to,, and honestly I feels so lost and almost crazy looking back. Big existensial crisis happened. No one to belieif because its all my belief. I dont cling even to my thought. I wonder is that a good thing? Feels like something in my heart glowing. But is it still me? Now I kinda back to my old self, I have big emotional support from going to home. Crazyness and existensial crisis is gone. I miss the moment that I really owning myself fully. Speak so gently and boldly from my heart without filter. Doing what I really need to do and not thinking about social fitting stuff to become something more. It is grounding experience. And totally feels unknown. Big big unknown. I think.. I need to surrender the sensation of something inside my head when I thinking. I aware that thing in my head shaped my thought so much. If Im not mistaken, I can access to my new self because outter force myself surrendering the sensation thing that I have in my head.
  12. After reading paper : Nine Level of Incerasing Embrace In Ego Development : A Full-Spectrum Theory Of Vertical Growth And Meaning Making by S. Cook-Greuter Dang man... this spiral dynamic concept that I learn from Leo videos seems too much generalistic (ofcourse maybe from my lazy interpretation because the video is so long). I read every phase and reflecting seeing my old self, my obstacle and source of trauma of myself. The paper have very much wisdom, nuance understanding. I still read in the midway, at Conscientious/Achiever. In the future I will add more in this segment. What I learn so far : 1. This one quote make me relase all of my neediness to change people around me, to constantly invite people to do vertical development. Big neuroticism is stem from here. My family that cannot understand me. Even this is for me too that always forcing myself to become higher as fast as possible. The journey takes a long year or even decade. I admit I have forced growth in the last 2 year, mostly through relationship with my ex girlfriend.. she force me a lot from the conformist/diplomat to expert (blue to orange in SD, I actually cannot compare the model) because of cultural and nurtural difference. Conscientious (green) gradually happen recently after I broke up with her. 2. I admit myself Im not as developed as I think before. I feel I still like stubborn that have so so much more in life to understand after reading it. The paper make me more humble and relaxed. 3. Seeing my unconscious conformity. I have my own boundaries now, knowing from the paper that people have the right to be who they are at any station in life. So it applied for me right??? So for me too right???? I think this is clear for most of people to be who they are and reject things that dont match up with their belief. But Im not at all. I have a big tendencies to not difine myself clearly, I have hazyy boundaries between me and enviroment. Make a big mess in my childhood. Reading the book make my healing journey accelerated, mostly healed. 4. This sentence is remind me to work on myself as a tier 1 to have more healthy ego, clear identification and self boundaries. Become useful human being that integrate lower stage. Nurture myself. Start reading the upper stage, Idk but I have a psychedelic perspective when introspecting it lol. Maybe this is detached. I recommend you read it!
  13. Yeah this mechanism is the tricky one!
  14. Re-value Leo Old Video I have been a lot in confusion. No clarity. Big fog in my awareness. Crazyness. And found a superpower Leo old video. The title is "One simple principle to create amazing life", if I not mistaken. I watch this in my worst moment in my life before. And I make it through. This video help me again now. Make me more conscious. My interpretation is very different as before. It is just mind blowing. At the first time I say.. ugh yeah.. maybe this guy is right, he sounds logical, but is it really practical? That time I practice this a lot and eventually I reached exhausted. Now after doing lot of development? watching foundational videos, having practice here and there and healing I see this video in different face. I understand most thing that Leo says, and agreed. I see the depth of the problem. All stupid stuff, bad decision making, procastination or my own trauma.. its created because I not doing the most emotionally difficult thing. And... I do it unconsciously ALL THE TIME. I evade any emotional burden. Or anything in my mind that I see have emotional uneasy feeling in that. Always be. You see? The core problem is in mind. And the problem? You can guess it. It happen everywhere. I can see avoiding the most hard emotional feeling can lead to BIG BLINDSPOT. Even I do a lot of personal development, meditation and consciousness work. I realize it is me trying to avoiding emotional work. I think I do something thats helpful for me, but the reality I just avoiding the most emotionally difficult thing to do. I think I can be more develop that way, BUT thats my mind trap. I have lot of intellectual ego. Rationalize all silly narrow stuff. Taken it seriously. And not seeing the big picture that all of that is just a hide. Yes. Actually I become zen devil before after taking psychedelic. I cannot stop explaining what the causation about not aware of this mechanism. The core thing in the video is Do the most emotionally difficult. Seems simple right? In practice, I cannot explain how tricky is it. When I try to do the most emotionally difficult. The thing that I do oftentimes swing become the thing I dont need to do. Why? because the thing that I do that mostly difficult eventually become feels easy. And unconsciously my ego cling to that. And I think I still do the most emotionally difficult thing to do. But nope. What I got from this simple advice? My mind become more clear, I aware of my own fear (full of shit fear), I aware of how my ego is love to closed gate to worship belief, become more authentic because I do what I really need to do even with resistant, its weird I got anxiety loss, connect with intuiton (I realize my intuition actually guide me to the most emotionally hard to do, this is big), I got zone in gaming.. MVP is the way, Im really happy, my playingstyle radically improved. I play LoL mobile with more flexible mind. The problem that I found? It is easy to side track. Very very easy. It is very tricky to watch how my own mind prevent me to doing the most hard thing to do. I need to track this down very hard.
  15. @Nahm yeah thats good advice.. thanks! OOT : I have been contemplating your advice. Everything that in our thought is always arising in our perspective. And always be.. I cannot escape perspective because anything always perspective plate. But if any weird emotion is arise in perspective, so is that we need to think that intellectually to accept any emotion? or just feel it raw? then if I choose to feel it raw, there is always something clashing and make more worse sometimes. How you reconcile this? Note : Im highly sensitive so sometimes weird vibes when I in my home arise in my conscioussness. Before healing, I just like zombie controlled by that weird sensation/emotion that attached to different place in my body. Like live inside in dry mud. Cannot see clearly, cant think, even cannot uderstand word. And this sensitive stuff is still happening.. but it not as bad as before.