• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Manusia

  1. @JosephKnecht 😂
  2. @fopylo I think you dont need to do that at all. It is very personal for me. Because, I am that person that never be angry before, and never felt some kind of power sensation. My life before is kinda dull and like senseless, full of fear and trauma. You know flat face? People see me as that. For me, it is important to burning the power feeling and even towards toxic meter. I do that a lot in this time and indeed it helped me. And yes it let me more vast as fuck. I can handle more power capacity in my life, feeling my own energy and of course clearer mind and healthier ego
  3. @Max_V do you have a blog or youtube channel that you recommended to do this kind of shadow work? You write it so beautifully!
  4. Feel dat thoo! Dark metal is make me more powerful in mind and grounded. I love power now. Have some burn here and there because of the integration process. Make it burn! The fire will become more mature! Integrated to the bigger personality. Bigger self This!
  5. Im graduated from tourism study this year. But Im not satisfied with what I get here. In the way I found, I am not really interested in tourism too. I have career direction towards what I enjoy, photography and filmmaking. And I love to study my own ego pattern and collective pattern. And in that case, I want to bring social issue perspective in my career work. I think I dont need to study filmmaking/ photography any further and get its degree because I can join internship and get more practical value in it more than in university. The benefit in getting filmmaking/photography degree just the relation/link from what I see in several youtube video. So yeah, I want to study something to make my work have some sort of intellectual foundation, like what I said before.. I want to bring message about social issue that happening in our world. And what do you think is the best degree for me to pursue? Is it philosophy? Psychology? School of human science? Or any other degree program?
  6. When I got into new cafe full of youngster, I got a strong vibe of same thing. Doing same thing, thinking same think. I feels very different because I almost never go into that place. And when I got home my head become very confused, its like suddenly my value is swifting unconsciously. For example like look is very important, shallow thing like fancy iPhone is very important thoo... and weird thinking pattern is occured in me. Or this is normal? I feel this is conformity happening. Because if I dont have somekind of value that the circle have, I cant survive in it and be consider outsider. Isn't it?
  7. @Zigzag Idiot didn't understand, I think it is very personal dictionary of yours. Different label that you said can mean different things to me. So maybe if is that case, I don't get it.
  8. @Hello from Russia you have been spill some method that can change my entire life brah. Thanks! I already start to try it and the contemplation is more potent u know!
  9. @Leo Gura Yep! I notice I did this uncontollable conformation when my mental state is ruined. Narrow awareness in there. I cant do even a simple contemplation. Thinking is another mindless chasing unconscious emotion that not good to be do in that time. Now Im gud! Definetly starting more contemplation!
  10. I search what is all about. My problem, how I think, how I see, how people work and dynamic of myself also human socio dynamic. Move my eye in bigger perspective. I found emotion is a big chief in any motivation that I do. Any uncertainty, anything that have to do with ego construction, the motivation.. there is a field of some kind of emotion there that play big role. Emotion is not quite the right word to spill up and yet Im not quite sure what is it.. Is it abstract sensation.. Yeah.. I learn that is it VERY related to one bias as well. Everytime I become more conscious of that field.. I kind of have more control over myself. Because it is govern anything below it include emotion, thinking, worldview. It is constant. You can aware about it or choose to ignore it. I found when I aware about it, I become a fluent person. And more conscious overall. I can see the field from massive shadow work, seeing my weakpoint traits and undiscovered potential in myself, and huge self acceptance. It is like a feature that appear from doing shadow work haha. Day by day it is more clear that it play big role in oneself. What is it? Or it is all emotion? But it is a literal big field that I cant see before. Whut is diss. Meta emotion? Because it is kind of summarized all my emotion hahaha
  11. In this thread I will write all my story specifically to create my own healthy Ego. I created a thread before about me and spiral dynamic but the title make not very flexible in the way that I say things in order to make a correlation to SD. In this journal I will say things the way that I need to express.. I appreciate people that give me advice and the other way to view some issue or event that happened in my journey.. youre welcome! My English language expression is not really good enough.. just let you know.
  12. Both.. Yeah.. This is right description for what is inside me. GROARR! I have big confusion to be skeptic about this paranormal activity happeing. And I dont find any good context to frame this case than the old story of some kind of other entitiy that really live in same plane of us. I would searching for it tomorrow thanks! Ofcourse man. In my country, this is everywhere lol. I sense the same vibe in your forum 🤣
  13. I am in the condition that force me to be more dicx guy. I kinda nice people before. Thinking too much about people shit. Being dicx guy make me more careless and my head become light. What I do : 1. Accepting that I can be rejected. Not be needed? Let it. Not getting validated? Feel it and let it. It is bullshit that you need to be accepted in some kind of enviroment but you need to cut your own shape to match their. You always have your tribe, it is hard to find but when you see it.. You found deep fullfillment relationship. No fleeky flacky. Relase any relationship that you feel weird about. No good exchange of energy is a flag of low value relationship. Feel the loneliness. Yes it is hard. 2. Accepting what you think and feeling geniunely. Ignore the logical dopamine chaser. Make your head spinning sometimes. Idk but logical and thinking it is different for me somehow. Thinking integrate the feeling. Ignoring the logical shit is a thing that grounded me and make me dont care about petty thought that oftentimes related to validation. And it is very hard to do if your mind is so active. In my case my logical mind goes too far and so my reality getting very narrow. Hell. Know the hell you know why you shouldnt be there. Lot of caring about other people stuff stem the root here. 3. Talking with people that have reddy SD vibe. Trash talk. I learn that too much thinking is give me more shit than gold that I need in people that I have conversation with. Talking trash make me more comfortable being in my skin and honoring my own voice. Just talk something that unecessary like most people around me. Gradually having more spontan reaction. And ofcourse need to be aware who u talkin to. 4. Lastly.. See. See the pain. Endure the pain. Know the time you need to rest. Your mind need to rest too. When you cannot see anything that dark/ feel the dark but it so very much tricky to see. Rest. And you can train it to see it again. Get up and hit up. This is painful. (do it with shadow work/ see your bad side for what is. The diamond net channel help me so much). The less dark within the more true dont care appeared. Idk man maybe I be wrong here. But it is work for me in my enviroment.
  14. Resentfulness. The repressed emotion within. I let it out. I say what I need to say. I act what I need to act. Trash word is my gum. Nope, make them think is not good option. It doesnt work here. People say what they need to say. They not see you unless you speak hard. They act from their itching ego, bum bum shit plak. The good guy attitude not work. It is just make my emotional level goes worse and worse day by day. Make the conflict. Turn it on. The mud and the dirt under the comfy sofa, let it out. Let them see. Make them see. Your pain, your emotion, your demon. Let them see you as it is. The people. Lash out if you need to be. Make them down if they abuse. Fight them if they pissed you. Let it out. Let it out. It is the basic survival here. Dont act like youre okay. Youre not okay. Youre hurt as fuck. See your open wounds. The lion. The bulldog. The wolf. Within.
  15. @BlackPhil When I in my home.. I felt this every single day.. And the problem is still occur from now. My early life is scattered because of this shit. I become total different person oftentimes. Sometime when I am alone the thing that attached in myself just like total beast, growling and messy. Did you pay for the service?
  16. I want to continue my study in germany next year if I can get the language right in my mind.. and I dont want to spent my money to courses without direct meeting with the instructor. This covid protocil is still strict in Indonesia. And why not use youtube as it free? Anyone have experience learn germany from youtube? is it effective?? or there is other media that more effective?
  17. Wow.. this is so good man..
  18. @NorthRise I would watch it!
  19. @Hello from Russia Yeah.. it is happened.. I cannot understand english with curriculum in my school. I swallow english myself by watching youtube. Far more effective than any classes, I dont understand much of english rules but I do the rules. 😅 Thanks for reminder.
  20. My grandma died She is 60s.. I still cannot registered fully in my mind somehow. She is my mom figure. My home. Everytime I going home, my mind is imagine grandma warmth. Yeah. Life is like this. There is time to be together. Time to separate. Thanks grandma. Your love given to me always residued in heart, bones and soul miss you
  21. This thread dedicated to posting random stuff.. sometimes I have lot to say in my mind. When it doesn't feel good I have tendecies to put it in the shadow. Its nice to put my thought accountable. Its good for my mental health.
  22. Knowing that I am stupid is easy. Accepting it make me have some big confusion. That one night is the worst night that I ever experienced. Forced to accept my own stupidity. My "yes I know" attitude is no serving shit. Notice the "intellegence mask" would come again.. It wont stop easily. If you broke now. Rest your mind, get out from your phone. Notice your mind will clinging to something trying to avoid the work, accepting it
  23. Surrender the sensation? But the ramification is.. This night. I have mini reflection to myself. I remind myself that thing that didnt work in the last phase of my life need to be surrendered. To be lose. And I constantly thinking with my mind. And aware that thing that always make me need to think and figure it out reality with overmasuciline style, overfregmentation. Is the sensation inside my head. I dont understand why. But every I loosen up little bit, there is lot of impusivity sensation in my experience to 'push' the button in my head. And figuring out mode is ON. The cycle.. I think it can be endless. I can say that maybe this is the nature of mechanical. It feels VERY EASY emotionally, almost comforting, got mediocore result when use it, not feel good, easily triggerred if something doesnt match/disturbing the cycle. I talk to myself. "This is not work, you already see it." I say to myself loudly when I drive motorcycle to hometown. "I am lazy as fuck, I love become lazy, there is bliss of comfort in it. I admit it. I admit it." I said so many times with different phase.. pointing to the same thing. And... I have sometalk with myself.. and eventually.. I ask myself to surrender that sensation in my head that always creating egoistical meaning. And what the fuck. Its hard. There is emotional avoidance. It is fear? Myself didnt want to see what is in front of me. And you know.. it feels weird. And somehow more alive and magical in sense. Admiting myself that I dont know anything is easy to say. And easy to decieve when you say "I dont know, really". Under the carpet is like "nope, I know something is true and I know truth somehow". Yeah.. thats my mind 🤣 Now my experience become more .. not understandable... but why it is clearer? this is like childhood experience.. dont know lot of stuff. Not thinking too much nonsense. And more present.. really. In the future, I want to work in this. I want to surrender more. I dont see much benefit anymore trying fake myself that I know the truth. Its just pain man. Surrender feels more healthy for me right now. I know maybe in sometime there is a plot twist, saying I do to much surrender. To attach to surrender. lol. Thats happen to me when I child.
  24. The thing is... My head always itching about enlightenment and conscioussness. My mind always try to grapple things up. Always can figure it out. Always neuroticly mapping reality. Labelling things.. like 'I know and always know'. Thats not work. That is foolishness. That is lie. And the peak is the end 2020. The tension is huge. Fragmentation of things make myself suffer as hell. Things need to be this way. Things need to be someway that fits my own known understanding. That is a root of my stupidity. Now I become more understand about the mechanic of knowing. Grapple things up is necessary to maintain healthy ego. But grappling to tight is another problem too. And I see in society.. we lie together.. think we didnt grap anything to deeply. But behind the curtain, we grap together so much much stuff. Until we afraid ti loosen up our hands little bit. Thats scary! I understand how capitalism mindset planted so deeply in my mind after watching last DW Documentary about Buthan. I cant think there is an alternative way to live. Im unaware that I am very orange. Fake myself. Use some mask for myself to fit in some kind of situation. To feel myself is worth. But deep down.. it doesnt feel so good.
  25. Leaving friend. I cant have a deep connection with my old friend anymore. I cannot be in relationship with people that not doing self development. I cant be a deep freind that not doing self actualization. And not have a clear communication is a big thing too. I dont know, but people that not have a life purpose caused some annoyance in me. And yeah.. I know it would go that way. People that have an indipendence vision to create something spark my heart. Move me. And people on the opposite, they limit me with doubt. Another problem is...this one friend constantly watching bad news in the internet. I mean.. when we talk nowdays, he interested talking about politics and somesort of world war III conspiracies. And I see in his eye.. its big conformity and fear. When I do want to conviece him that the habit he build isnt good, he told ... "its war man, do you not afraid when our country got attacked?". Like ... OK thats valid, but it robs you man. He cant see it. I cant say anything anymore. And I see the more day passed, the bigger our gap is. I only have a few friends.. and then... I need to let go. Whatever... my plan in getting relationship now more simple.. I pursue what I need to pursue in life. Working in my life. Working in life purpose. And when I meet people in the same road, we can be in a relationship. If he/she use different way, I can let him/her go from my life with the reason.. we just going in different path.. and thats very okay. Today I feels I am still a child inside. And getting in maturity process, experiencing more pain. Letting go the things that not work anymore. I'm tired of chasing things. It just fake and not work.