modmyth

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  1. @Raptorsin7 If it's just about income and education; I don't care that much about either, in the sense that it's never bothered me if I was with a man who was not as successful as I was. As long as we had enough to be comfortable between us. At least, it's never factored into my decision-making in the past. When I was younger, I actively did not date educated guys; both of my parents were highly educated in the traditional sense. If I had to pick between someone who had natural curiosity and drive and someone whose ways of thinking were formed excessively by being in institutions and being told how to think (e.g. academia), I was drawn toward the former always. Like someone who reads and can has a knack and intuition for thinking and making sense of things well on their own, that's highly attractive. I don't associate high-earning potential with masculinity that much, actually. Nor does the thought of my partner working with or even possibly for me seem particularly weird. I have to feel a sense of emotional safety/ groundedness. I have to enjoy talking to the person, and there needs to be a sort of sexual-emotional attraction... otherwise I'm not going to want to have sex or continue to talk with the person, or to be around them recreationally. Pretty straightforward. For me, attraction comes from your core sense of who you are, some people are naturally more magnetic and have more presence for this reason; I tend to think of the other stuff as extra that you layer on top of that almost like clothes. If someone is successful for doing highly meaningful or influential work, that can be highly attractive, for sure. It's the kind of thing that makes people more interesting to be around (although it doesn't necessarily make them easier or more pleasant to deal with; it depends on the person, really). But for what it's worth, my dad was technically a stay-at-home-dad and my parents had a good relationship with each other, just not with me and my brother particularly. It's never seemed weird to me although growing up; definitely, other people made me aware that it was a bit weird.
  2. @soos_mite_ah I really enjoy reading your journals; so much of the way you expresses yourself resonates with me and reminds me of being younger (probably I have said that already). Anyway, I definitely relate to the particular issue with "crazy" regarding spirituality a lot, although I grew up in a secular-atheist household where my parents, especially my dad, was against any type of superstition or anything that looked like superstition. But these hyper idealized and conceptualized forms of spirituality and theology were acceptable, like ideas about God and direct experiences/ understanding too, in a way. My mom was intuitive sometimes but she kept it tightly in a box. But none of the super 'woo' stuff that I myself write about, like my own direct experiences, would have been ok. Every time I write about my own direct experiences which really don't correspond to a certain kind of elevated, neat, almost sterile (in my opinion, like devoid of real intensity and therefore messiness, conflict, and confusion at times), I do definitely experience my own residual inner judgemental parent a bit still. Even if I myself don't resonate with dogmatism or superstition myself, I hear the voice that lumps it all into one category: like that's so insanely WOO how can you post that? Even if it's only for a fraction of a moment, but usually it's a bit more than that. Like every time I post about "past life" stuff, I inwardly facepalm. When I was younger, it used to be about having druglike experiences (without any of the drugs though); I'm just wired a bit different, I guess... but probably no one cares about it as much as I do in a residually self-conscious kind of way, haha. These days I just barf it out because it beats being boxed in even if it comes out a bit of a mess and disjointed at times, IMO. As for the "Eat Pray Love" trend of Westerners discovering themselves in India, I'm pretty sure the Beatles made that mega-popular first.
  3. @Preety_India I might have a knack for it because I found some good ones right away, but I also found some that were less so. I'm not the most patient when it comes to people rambling too much or not getting to the point, I admit.
  4. ANATOMY BRUSHUP: It's been about 5ish years since I've studied this topic seriously, most of what I know here needs a serious brushup. Finally, I'm getting around to it now. At the moment, I'm really enjoying these ones here. I'm not sure how the ones at Proko will hold up, most of the anatomy I studied was at New Masters Academy (a subscription-based website) and it takes a much slower pace. All 12 of them (I'm about 1/3 of the way through). Most of these are really concise and well explained; I appreciate that. Mostly I will know this anyways, but you often pick up new things and are reminded of other details which have receded from regular use, for whatever reason. As a general rule, I'm much better at body parts that are usually visible (like the head, limbs (including the hands, neck, but even the feet), but tend to feel much more uncertain about body parts that are less visible like pretty much any part of the torso (back/shoulders/ stomach). That's generally an issue because you do have to know the torso well enough even if you draw clothes over it. Better than you might expect initially with drawing experience. EDIT: I figured out how to just post the whole playlist for the series, haha. Duly noted: this isn't by any means thorough, but a decent intro and a good brushup. I did pick up a couple things from this series.
  5. VISUAL ARTS: I have been going through a massive amount of resources lately on Youtube; this is mainly going to be a compilation of the best ones (whatever I find the most useful or pertinent at the moment) which I will likely rewatch. I started with this one, which I found informative. I also watched the other videos in the series, but this was definitely my favourite.
  6. I'm ready to go home now. Home is an idea and a state, not a place to arrive to...
  7. IMAGINATION (/what is real): Just generally, if something does not correspond to the junction between collective and personal reality, I have no interest in it. I am very very cautious (maybe cautious is not the right word as it implies fear: more like attentive and mindful, at least, that is the aim rather than retentive and frozen. Things that trigger the latter? Unless there is a specific purpose to make of it, then no. Not good). I was careful about what I fed in belief and attention a couple years ago, and I am even more exponentially so now. And things drag on for a while anyway. I am just cautious of (personal, relatively disconnected) imagination itself especially, yea. There is a lot you can't really get done if you go get holed up in there, but it too has its purpose and... obviously, it can be a beautiful place to be, at times. It has a way of encouraging you to bury your misery and unresolved issues though, and that always has consequences. But it helps you survive, and times, you seem to almost be thriving, even when reality is not beautiful. Despite my precautions, I still fell off in my ability to cope with "mundane reality". Unsurprisingly, my ability to deal with it completely tanked, especially in the emotional sense. Desire is a powerful force, perhaps the most powerful one. But to cut off imagination? I suppose it is a lot like not even being alive at all, why bother? What I aim for is integrated imagination, which involves dealing with "reality", collective imagination and reality, personal imagination (as in, what you can visualize yourself as your own free agent, and also what comes to you forcefully and spontaneously in inspiration or as if it is channeled), etc. All these things are sort of reality/ imagination together, most often unreconciled. And they must be. And they will.
  8. Just generally, to sum it all up: it was the best of all visible alternatives. Telling the truth more directly in that context was to likely break the door back open to something which was in the spirit of 2 summers ago. I could not risk it. It was my prerogative. Sometimes you find yourself in a no-win situation, which is most often the case when you find yourself backed into a corner. And I am not so bothered by blame; I get it. My consistency in public and private matters though. I have absolutely no desire to think about or work through any more of this stuff today. But something is set right and ordered by my getting it out of my system. Today I'm just going to relax, mainly.
  9. A presence that you don't want and are trying to extract from yourself? Depending on how intertwined and enmeshed you are, trying to forcibly resolve something like that before it's ready it's like trying to chop your own arm off (or maybe rip your own heart out). You may or may not succeed. It's pretty questionable. Yea, that hasn't stopped me from trying. In the grand scheme of things, there can only be openness/ connectedness, resolution, clarity, and illumination, etc. You try to speed things up and close things off by using force, and sometimes it works (the former more than the latter) in terms of drawing a firm line or creating a new boundary by pushing back. I completely understand the feeling of helplessness, impotent rage and turning directly against yourself (so that psyche tends to collapse). I have found myself understanding and having empathy for most sides most often and STILL having to go along with rage and the fight. it's just matter of how much to push it and go along with it. Like, is this what I signed up for in the greater scheme of things? Well, that's fun. Life is stupid absurd, right?
  10. Oh, so it seems like I already named myself back here. Well, this was a rather disorganized way of expressing myself. I was pretty fucking zonked in some ways, but also totally functional in other ways, because I can do that apparently. It's been a survival skill in this lifetime. Weird. It feels like I haven't said anything at all, but I have some sense of functioning normal consciousness now; I didn't back then. But I have permanently changed and kept some aspects of my psyche then, and erased and cleaned up a bunch of others. A huge amount of time and energy has been put into that almost every day. Nope. No desire to back through everything I wrote there for fun. Anyway, here is an example of what sort of checks and balances I tended to go through. There often tends to be certain reoccurring signs, for example. Between these two lives, there are these factors in common, despite the superficial differences of roles: 1) early childhood prodigiousness (often in multiple fields) and the tendency for my mind to spread itself outwards in multiple directions simultaneously and naturally. Like, in this life, I've been told to rein it in constantly. What I end up doing is stilting my natural energy and curiosity then doing the 1-2 things I'm supposed to be focusing on not as well. So much for that. 1a) A certain kind of affinity for music in particular, including writing it (if I have the time). 1b) The tendency to either to do patronage and social support/ scout/ nurture talent in the arts/ sciences/ philosophy and/or to participate in these fields directly (if I have the time and the leaning) 1c) A preoccupation with getting involved and changing the dominant social narrative of the time in one form or another. 2) A certain kind of sexual attitude that being put in or growing up in a nunnery cannot fix. Look up some of the comments Hildegarde made about sex. Where does that come from, do you think, if one's whole life had been spent since early childhood in nunnery? In a Catholic nunnery. And even now, with my own life, my own sexual self-restraint both by force of circumstances ("trauma") and choice? It doesn't do much to change me at my core. I just focus on other stuff most of the time. 3) the ability to deal with quite a few types of people including political heads of power, artists/musicians/ thinkers and to reconcile people that is not dependent on one's upbringing or station in life; both lives had disadvantages, and having a natural boldness here. Being a woman was hardly an inherent advantage. (You really wouldn't know this from the way that I've lived this life though, but life has not asked this of me earlier anyway. And frankly, I have alluded to this: this sort of social role is not well suited to someone under 30 particularly, even someone who has relatively good judgment and clarity. In both of the above cases; I didn't actually do that much until I was over 30 for a reason.) The ability to negotiate and change people's minds, sometimes more or less forcefully (the above two cases, mostly the latter). 3a) Not being afraid to walk over dudes or stand up to them (including dudes with worldly power), or somehow managing to do this by default just for existing (if given even a little leeway to do so ......) It's an aspect of my personality, I guess. I can be a warm person and still this tends to happen. 4) Related to the point above: the ability to make quite a bit from relatively little, as in, to bend social norms perhaps more than commonly would be thought to be possible, and to still be praised for it in the long run (both lives above are examples of playing the long game). Both are good examples of what I am able to do with relatively limited access to "special powers" or anything (and what good would special powers be in those kinds of milieus anyways? For every purpose, the appropriate manifestation.) 5) That I will lie (and perhaps believe in my lies to one degree or another) to entrain myself into orthodox society in order to influence it, even if this comes at a great price to me emotionally, physically, etc. Like for example: with Hildegarde's visions and debilitating sicknesses (I both remember and understand just generally how this works. I can probably induce this sort of splitting consciously if I want to. I.... don't want. I already have residual splitting anyway, as mentioned above), this was advantageous to the time period as a "woman of God", it created legitimacy. Also giving legitimacy: talking crap about myself as a woman and my capacities, and then leveraging that lately. Do you think it feels good to do that? But anyway, I always generally have worked with what I have been conditioned into to the best of my ability. I think I mentioned near the beginning of Confessionals that I am a liar, as in, I will lie to get things done, mostly preferably by omission if possible. But possibly actively as well. I believe that all lies, conscious or not, always come at a price. I do not like them. I consider them to be a necessary sacrifice sometimes in society, even under the best possible circumstances, because of people, society, politics, etc. 6) Direct memory, of course. Memory of how I felt at the time, the general spirit of the times, and knowing the difference between the public image I presented and inhabited and how I actually felt across the board. Without direct memory: being able to look at records of what I've done and to know exactly why I did it right away (no ambiguity), in a way that I would not be able to know if it was 'not me' in the sense that I also know myself. I have also had quite a few memories and since childhood, an intuitive knowing about historical figures (which in retrospect, I realized that I have known at least some of them directly); the response is completely different even if I have been close to the heart of their experience in the way. There is no mistaking it; it is not the same. 7) The tendency to express myself in similar ways that I would express myself now, and almost like... a very expansive, circular way of expressing myself (if in an intellectual role, if not, then more directly) with a strong voice (I know my own damn voice). If you read Ninon's biography (there still might be an English one floating around somewhere), there are sentiments which I had expressed in the same spirit and in almost the exactly the same language, and at the time I first read it, it was both fascinating and frankly, sort of creepy and uncomfortable in a deja vu kind of way. The sense of irony/ humour is pretty much almost identical (expressed in a different time period). Like... so do I want to read the rest of this book and to make sense of it, or do I want to throw it out the window? Stuff like that.
  11. Anyway, I have been spending a great deal of time and energy exorcising emotions from what came before; a lot of my journals under this name have been super duper ranty. That I should manage to carry over trauma about my personal sense of being loved which is mainly based on a man's behaviour (see my previous ranting, mostly deleted) that I did not predict and by the time I saw it, it was too late for me; I was in too deep with everything in spring 2019. I have had no wish to keep it in me nor do I wish to affect others with it negatively. I can't keep things in me in the normal sense because of the number of changes I've went through, not for longer than the very short term. If I could have exorcised this all in "private" I would have, but the distinction between the "public" and "private" has almost completely broken down. Even if it returns, it can't be the same as it was before; it just can't function in that way. I have decided that it was necessary to keep my orientation as making things public perpetually. I kept things private for pretty much my whole life, there is very little there anymore in my former understanding of it. (Please do not blame me for not seeing everything all the time, if you can help it, even if I end up shouldering responsibility for it practically speaking just the same.) This also might sound odd, I have observed the ways in which I have identified with people directly and it has consequences. Not always ideal. This is not an act of bad intention and faith. But you may share in my baggage unknowingly at times. There's a whole range of effects, really. But FYI, I have been sharing in and carrying humanity's baggage for years. As I mentioned above, this is the empath/ psychic's burden; we do this just naturally. We carry it in our bodies and it tends to make us sick, and our personal issues that usually starts in the situation we are born into acts as sort of hooks/ attractors that makes it stick to us more and more as time passes, so we are stuck with the process of working through it and casting it off. This happens to everyone in a way, it's just that some of us tend to feel it more intensely and with weight in our bodies, and IMO, some of us are definitely carrying more than our fair share because we tend to soak up the energy, emotions, "karma" of our environment likes sponges. (And still despite that, I have accepted blame; but I am less patient, hospitable, and long-suffering with this now; frankly, this way of functioning has to end completely.) To be honest, sometimes when I have been unfriendly or especially DISTANT, it may be for your own good. So I have believed. I don't really like to ask others to carry things for me, but I must stay open. It's like pandora's box, I cannot go back to "who I was before" in the sense that this way of functioning and that identity related to it was decimated; I did that.
  12. Speaking of outlandish stuff: a skill I picked up in Mirror Space two summers ago is the ability to hear multiple messages running simultaneously (and by picked up, I mean the element of conscious choice was removed entirely), which I might have written down at some point or another here in the past. So that happened tonight, it happens once in a while, usually when I lie down to meditate and I would be quite open and focused (as in, and not much while doing something else like I most often am, like painting and listening to audio or something). I can do both though and sometimes there is stuff running simultaneously but I will miss a lot of subtext if I'm multitasking or if I just don't care that much at that moment... So sometimes I will pick up messages later, sometimes not. Sometimes messages are like in a sort of "compressed format" (so I feel the spirit of it and I understand it), sometimes it's decompressed and I hear it as words/ dialogue running simultaneously; it's a bit like watching 2-3 channels at once. So in mirror space, I was under the impression that the human brain can handle about 6-7 channels as this is what I experienced (which corresponds to how many pieces of information can be held in active memory, does it not?). I experienced this in the way of having the experience of hearing that many people talk to me at once and I was like STOP PLEASE. STOP PLEASE. STOP TALKING TO ME I DONT WANT TO BE TALKED TO (though I arrested my response, as described above). I did not enjoy it, though that time period was like... so beyond the normal frame of enjoying something or not. Anyway, for some reason my intuition is telling me that actually more is possible. Like 20. But I honestly... I don't know other than this. Anyway, today, this stuff is really kicking my brain. It's more whatever usually. This type of processing can be exceptionally hard on the human body at times depending on a number of factors; right now, it feels a bit like going from sitting in your chair to sprinting in about 2 seconds, and then getting aggressively nauseous and out of breath. This is what I tend to concern myself about the most, and a bit less about how it makes me feel; usually I can adapt. For years, I have been used to getting messages from the collective consciousness (this is the sort of empaths/ psychics jurisdiction anyways), but sometimes I get messages directed to no one in particular (more like a general wish, from there, you might be able to find out if it was or wasn't consciously expressed), sometimes to me in particular (in this case, you have to know something about "who I really am"), sometimes to "God" or some higher power, etc. It is basically by a similar means of intuition that I can tell if a song is addressed to me, and with a little bit more intuitive digging: I can also tell things like how you feel about me just generally, in what ways you are generally affected by me, and which past self/ era of myself that you are most influenced by (and this has actually been hugely important in my own understanding), as people's experiences of me effect memory (subconscious or not) and this in turn shapes both what they look for, what they expect or anticipate from me, etc. I spent a handful of years watching, waiting, and making sense of signs. I wanted to see who understood what about me and why (and if there was nothing, then there was nothing.) Anyway... Not to get fucking weird (as if this wasn't already), but I pick up things by proximity, so just being aware of you and focusing on you passively is enough to make me aware of a great deal about you. This is generally the kind of thing that you just don't tell people. But, it is... I have mentioned about something like, in psychic/ collective space, there are no secrets (if you know how to look). We are all connected. I don't even have to look most of the time. I tend to absorb a lot of information by osmosis.
  13. Yea, so I have to speak more of the truth as I see it, and as it comes to me. As outlandish as it may come out. And as much as I hoped I was just done with it. I don't see another alternative. This can't keep going on, things must be resolved cleanly one way or another. And I have never hesitated to put my neck on the line in this life when it really mattered, have I? I perhaps value the appearance of normalcy and social blending more than a lot of other people here? ... When I was younger, I overwhelmingly got the sense that my life literally depended on it, as in, show my hand too early and in the wrong way, things will be catastrophic. Well, I have seen quite a few things go wrong already. So now I'm capable enough that I can separate my own paranoia (when it still manages to arise as there have been a small handful of times) from right seeing generally (there are a handful of things I am not quite sure about), but the way I SEE things affects reality. So I had heard this 2 summers ago (and so, to be careful of the way I focused on people) and I "knew" what this meant without exactly knowing how it would effects things exactly, but I have seen enough of this now in different iterations... In early 2017, I didn't quite know what role I was meant to play in this world (this was very much how I thought pretty much my whole life), who I was to other people and what I needed to be. I didn't even have most of my past life memory. By the way, it's not like you need that stuff just generally to do work in this world; I mean, people obviously do it all the time. But I needed it, both because I wanted to understand myself, and also because I thought I would find clues about what I was meant to do in the future. Etc..
  14. Say a prayer for condolence for the man I have written about extensively in this journal as well, his direct proximity to me means that he's stuck with a mirrored version of whatever I went through and am dealing with, and such has been his lot for a great deal of his life. He is how he is. It's probably better that he's not dealing with this completely alone. He's responsible for a great deal of direct mirroring going on here, and to some degree, this happens whether I consciously want to or not at this point because of what I have set in motion (it's complicated; what I can actually do is not necessarily what I want to do, but I can do a great deal directly)because I haven't always seen and approached things rightly (mostly, often based on limited self-knowledge and awareness of how things work with myself in relation to others at the time). My negative emotions and a feeling of not having a sense of control, and irresolution also factor a great deal into it. This might sound outlandish, but he cannot talk or speak to me directly except under false pretenses. It's not what I planned originally. But I have not or have not believed that I have been able to change it. Also, whether I look away or not, dissociate or get myself involved directly, there is a consequence either way. Whether he does anything IRL or not, there is a sort of direct psychic entanglement, as in, there was before, but the nature of the game has changed. He is compelled to what he is and I understand what that feels like (at least as myself). I can't really settle for a false or temporary order. Things just have to be resolved and put into order and emotional resolution one way or another. It's very taxing. To be honest, I don't like talking about myself that much sometimes. After two summers ago, it was a bit easier to say things that I knew were outlandish because it really meant very little for the most part after what I had been through, but even then I had some sense of "social normalcy" and running around raving like a lunatic (relative to social judgment, no ultimate judgement) isn't really isn't my style. Well, things have settled down a lot and I tend to be even more reluctant to say -weird shit-. But there may be no other alternative. A great deal must be unraveled. Some of this stuff, I may not keep up for very long. I do not like to look at it for that long either. With this past life business, I tend toward either loathing it or running around in circles with it. Like... do I have to? I thought I was going to die without saying much of anything about it
  15. I heard that carrying my weight was pretty heavy over the years, crushingly so. Definitely the response has not always been very positive. I got used to this idea a handful of years ago. I have seen this, and I have also borne crushing weight with as much grace as I had to give. I understand what this feels like. Bearing weight goes both ways (until it is no longer.) Speaking of 2015, these albums brought some comfort. Walking around the same damn haunts over and over... waiting for who and for what, and what signs, really? I didn't know then exactly what it was and what would happen. Oh, mostly it would be about my relationship with myself.. reflected to and by myself. I thought my life up to then was hard. I didn't have a goddamned clue what I was in for. Say a prayer of condolence for my former self. I have now; in retrospect.