modmyth

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  1. MAKING PEACE: Where are the right words to express this feeling? If this is all life will ever offer me in terms of relationships, romantic or otherwise, considering the weight of my past and my family history as I've known it; I think I am starting to feel at peace with this. At peace, but with psychic/ psychoemotional boundaries (duly noted already for the ways in which one is essentially the other). Everything else, I either give or create. I no longer have to concern or preoccupy myself with what I do or don't receive from others so much. And there is a great level of stuckness here which has been a huge hurdle to process. There is a certain ascetic quality that dominated my whole childhood and teenagehood that was completely beyond my control due to my upbringing and multiple cases of sexual trauma during that time period. I am making peace with this being the dominant overtone of my life and a thing that defines the parameters of it. From here, I can potentially make the very most of this. (I skew more towards the focus on the creative, the intellectual, and the meticulously controlled use of higher energies as a sort of package; it's not that these things are mutually exclusive, but one tends to pick priorities regardless. There is great value still in not scattering your energies; concentrate these energies more intensely and deeply and something much more extraordinary may emerge.) I have... mostly seen pretty much everything I have wanted to see in the phase of my life as it was before, of people, where they are at, and their intentions, and in feeling for their capabilities (as opposed to what is most directly manifested in plain sight) specifically in relation to how I will act in the future and what I will prioritize. I have seen my past lives (at least what I believe to be a combination of the highlights and what should be most relevant to this one). I have seen more than enough. There is nothing left to wait for in order to make this shift. (For example, I am not concerned about who truly recognizes me and who doesn't at this point; I'm here in the open, figure it out or not based on observing me. Or just take whatever you want from my being here at this point. In other words: no longer so deeply preoccupied with finding the people as it has been a deep down obsession for the last 10 years or so, as I expected it to possibly drastically shape the outcome of my life. Not so, really. Things are much as they were, but I changed... I have learned a lot from my past... ALL of them.) I embrace my self-restraint and control as it manifests in this life. I do not think it is THE way, and given absolute choice; it is not necessarily what I would pick for myself. Given a better life and more freedom to express and develop myself more freely, to have my desire reciprocated fully and properly where it most mattered; I was prepared for my life to have a dramatically different outcome. I was prepared to make a different turn in my life both 3-4ish years ago and over one year ago. But it is how things worked out. I do not wish to swim against the current anymore particularly in order to make sure I haven't missed some detail. But I never really had much of a chance to start with in the first place. I gave it my all in good faith. I deserved better, sure. But this is reality; this is what I got served and this is what I participated in and bear responsibility for, even if there was no conscious way to anticipate the outcome in my personal life, the sheer myriad of consequences and entanglements beyond my personal control. And what it is that people would choose to do vs. what they actually did. And it's feeling increasingly alright, and this is very much an intense, concentrated effort to lay this all to rest. It's been over 1 year stop of nonstop, focused resolution. Anything else that happens organically does but it has to be my second priority. (My relationship with J is a special priority and significance to me and he was there when I truly needed someone; I could not have done this without him.) I have the free spirit of sexual and romantic expression in me, and it is manifested fully in spirit. It is a native part of me, it always will be. There are many avenues that I will probably never explore. Things that I will probably never express directly in the flesh except in extremely limited confines (though I may express it in writing at some point). In practice, I have not been that well equipped to do so and honestly it is not worth the effort in the greater scheme of things. What I dreamed of in the past handful of years, the depth and the spirit of it; it amounts to nothing. It's how it goes. I am willing to live and die peacefully with this choice and what life has left me too. What I wish for now is for some peace of mind and consolidation in all of my aspects, and I will have it. I need it. I... deserve peace. (I threw myself to the world. Make what you will make of me and I will resolve what I can. Now the reverse. My conscience is clean. I behaved morally as much as humanly possible in all circumstances, as much as I possibly could. I have seen my past lives and pretty much some version of this happens pretty much every time. Enough of this all, already. We are all what we stand for and what we say we stand for publically and privately without distinction, no exceptions. Also: I have never wanted to bring a bitter, chaotic energy to new relationships of any kind to what was supposed to be a new phase of my life and then to have it poison that. One starts however they can, whatever reality gives you to work with first. I still believe what was done to me within the time period was wrong and I am making a much more truthful peace with it. It has been my wish to be without any blame or resentment, without anger or projection, without giving it much thought at all, to no longer be defined by it even a bit. But not to say that what happened to me was ok. It wasn't. Nor were things that happened earlier in my life.)
  2. Things I am grateful for at this very moment: kindle/ ebook technology. This is a childhood bookworm's dream come true, seriously. The ability to see myself positively in this light at this very moment, to be present as I am. Sometimes I still feel a bit like a fake intellectually and the thought makes me laugh at this moment, and I am grateful for that. (And... this is why I hype myself up despite whatever native aptitudes I have and whatever I've developed. I prefer not to dump my hopes and desires onto other people in this way when possible. Like see me because I can't see myself, truly; but it doesn't need to be one to exclusion of another.) Early AM clarity, even for when it still gnaws away at my insides here and there (but not now). I am grateful that my sentimental nature isn't turning against me in this moment and I am not turning against myself. Just generally, my improved relationship with myself as time passes. Belgian Fries has some really good yam poutine with actually decent squeaky cheese curds. I think they're actually imported from Quebec. I have had some very sad poutine. I'm happy that my nails look good and I don't have to babysit them everyday, haha. I appreciate the way walks make me feel, especially walks in the woods or evening/ night time walks, always. And that unless I'm on the verge of passing out from exhaustion, it always makes me feel better to go for one pretty much everyday. Definitely grateful for being able to make even more headway with whatever residual trauma regarding the past that remains, and for the potential to be in order properly... Having at least one person I can trust fully as family (or what family is supposed to be) who will be there for me both physically and emotionally, who will put me above all else to the best of his capacity... and not someone else in the ways that I have needed this and have seemed to not been able to avoid this need fully, at times... Finding more and more meaning in everyday activities and routine, to make each day and present moment variable and fresh whenever possible. To rarely experience true boredom, or to easily find ways of engaging myself. To feel less like a victim of my own projections and feelings of unavoidable blame, as they presented themselves as complete inevitabilities. FFS. Just generally, the ability to draw personal boundaries without getting defensive or feeling apologetic for it, or for drawing it and feeling like it's meaningless or I am powerless still in some way I can't fully grasp or rectify. Every time that I am able to do this especially in the context of my living space and or a close personal relationship especially given how my early life went. You don't take that for granted, ever.
  3. BOOKS READ: Psychedelic Information Theory: Shamanism in the Age of Reason: Educating myself on the scientific language/ discourse used in this area of study, and noting the ways in which experiences described in this book overlap with my own lifetime of drug free experiences. Comparing notes, if you will; and also gives me a new way to think of and frame my own experiences. I'm grateful for this. I also thought to myself; this sounds like something that would be written on informational parts of erowid.org (but a far greater proportion of scientific language) which I used to peruse a lot in my midteens especially out of sheer curiosity, despite having no desire to use substance. Sure enough the website writer/ creator gave this book a very excellent review. The Geography of Nowhere (James Howard Kunstler): Finished this. I would highly recommend this even if it's not your normal type of reading fare, as it might be obvious why this would be interest to architects, city planners, and designers of all sorts, or people who are specifically interested in these fields. But just as a human being living in civilization who likes to think about the history of cities and suburbs and how they came to be, what it means, and where it might all be heading, and what this means in terms of wider aesthetics and cultural priorities. Even though this was originally written in the late 90s and very much in the era of television, the underpinnings of this very much apply. As a non-American living in the suburbs, many of these insights still apply. (I enjoy his wholesale cynicism, personally.) The Conference of the Birds (Illustrated) Farid ud-Din Attar: Sufi literature; it appears that there are at least a handful of translators available for this writer, and the one I have is both in poem form (at least one common translation is prose) and the both much shorter than the others. I honestly have no idea why it's so short. Also, this Sufi writer is quite well known but I haven't heard of him; like most people I'm only intimately familiar with Rumi and also Hafiz. It's sinking in. History of Magic, Eliphas Levi (trans. Matthew Lynch): This is a surprisingly addictive read but some of Levi's interpretations are ???, and I feel like a lot of the value from this book comes from reading between the lines and what isn't said at all; as in literally, it's thought-provoking (with emphasis on it being provoking). 1) It's clear that he really hates the Indian spiritual tradition point-blank. Some of these criticisms are more and less valid IMO. Valid: the caste system as a foundation of Hinduism.... (but he's totally down for really rigid social hierarchies otherwise) Less valid: everything else... 2) He hates expressions of feminine sexuality that are anything other than chaste and expressed within a marriage. If you are obsessed with virginity and motherhood to the exclusion of everything else (including with the cult of Mary where you get the two for one), I find this super fucking weird. Sorry Catholics. 3) He's in love with Orthodoxy and has some rather unique ways of creating a relatively modern-day example of syncretism (by modern, I mean try the mid 19th century; it's close enough to have recognizable aspects of modern thinking in it, and far away enough to be saturated with a number of cultural orthodoxies of his time period, as idiosyncratic as a number of his interpretations are otherwise...) I find this interesting to study as a study in psychology if nothing else. 4) This dude is super duper obsessed with the Kabbalah. I was never drawn to it when I was younger and I have had no strong draw either towards it or away from it either way. 5) He openly hates the Roma in the way that people hated Jewish people historically in Europe for hundreds of years since the middle ages and it makes me really uncomfortable. I have read about the history of racism against the Roma people and nowadays, you can still get away with both casual and aggressive racism against the Roma in many cases that you can't get away with it by being openly anti-Semitic. And it's all just a flaming heap of not being ok. That said, it's still of value, but some writers around this time period sometimes... really test my ability to put myself directly in their shoes as opposed to my own when reading their works, which is something that I always, always try to do. Love Letters of Great Men: It was on kindle unlimited; it was a passing curiosity. Goethe is such a sentimental person, but then he did write The Sorrows of Young Werther and evaded suicide and morbid depression in his teenage years related to failed romance, and went on to live a very long, productive, and meaningful life. Actually, this book is generally considered to be inspired by the events of his earlier life, and also it put him on the map and made him an instant literary celebrity. (It also inspired a trend of fashionable public suicides and I think it's fair to say this was absolutely NOT his intention.) This topic of Goethe and his mental and emotional makeup has been a lot on my mind lately for personal reasons; I find a lot in his psychology and self-expression that I continue to relate to, and have at many times since early childhood looked to writers hoping to find something to help me deal with tendencies and conflicts that seemed both universal and strangely particular to the point that I couldn't talk to anyone else about them... I wonder what it is like to read his works in German, as I don't know any? He doesn't have a strong place and reputation in Anglophone culture, but to my understanding he is peak Germanness and human beingness. (Maybe I should have learned German instead of -insert relatively dead scholastic language-, it be more practical, but I've never just wanted to learn it for aesthetic reasons.) @Hans @Preety_India I try to read at least 500 pages a day and more if I feel like it. I also try not to make it to dry and painful and structured if I can help it. I used to do far more reading during university while I was in heavy research mode, and often while I was getting dumped with a lot of reading in my classes, I would also be doing at least as much reading recreationally on the side, and it generally it was a lot more than this. Definitely, my reading speed has improved, probably the most during this time period. How I read now is serious for me, but still casual. I don't enjoy reading more than an hour or maybe two each day TBH; it takes a lot of focus, I prefer to just do it quickly and then move on to something else. I do some combination of reading photographically (not sure if this is consistent with how others do it photographically so I wouldn't have called it this in the past, I would just assume not), reading sentence by sentence/ paragraph by paragraph (for which my eye tends to make a circling movement around the page) and sometimes page by page, usually wherever there are natural breaks visually. I just absorb it all at once. This might sound very odd, but I have always gotten very strong feelings about books and text since I was extremely young, and it's not uncommon for the meaning to hit me before I actually process the words consciously (I think of this as receiving the spirit or soul of a book first, like a sort of gnosis)... For what it's worth, I was a self taught reader at an age that completely predates my conscious memory, but I also learned to read the normal way in school and I find it very slow and also it kind of messed me up. It took me a very long time to stop regressing back into that when I didn't want to. I am a very directed reader usually, direct as I usually keep in focus what I want to learn and receive from this book, or whatever piques my curiosity spontaneously. Direct but open emotionally as well as mentally. It's like a passion first and then the actual mental effort or the physical act of reading secondly. It's a very active as well as a receiving process; it's not like I see myself as a funnel in which I pour information into my brains wholesale. I think you limit how much you get when you see reading in this way. I usually interpret and process and think on the spot as well as I'm reading. Occasionally I skim but I prefer not to. I can process consciously this way but it does tend to be less efficient. But it's also important to know when you're just not going to get as much as you want from a text, or that there is very little there that you want and need. Like I read quickly generally but it's not always uniform. Sometimes you want to read slowly, especially for poems or stories where it is very image heavy and to really soak in it if you're in a certain mood (but at other times, it comes quickly all in a flash, so I read just as quickly). Some writers write a very dense academic style and that takes time for everyone to unravel (assuming that there is something there worth unravelling, of course). At other times, you're reading to extract information, then that can be quick. I'm all over the place naturally haha, I think I've only become more consistent as an adult, but intentionally so.
  4. I do not have much to say other than lately, I feel it is better to speak less and process and create and recreate more, and it is with judicious awareness that I do this. I have the power to put things in order, I know. I and I have the power to decide what order means in an absolute sense. It's a matter of judgment, ethics, and values. I am glad to watch the distinction between order and chaos as I know it collapse entirely again, and this time things skew on the side of universal clarity in my experience (rather than personal clarity, if that is even there, and disorder). Other than that, I do most of the things I normally do. Lately I have been freeing myself more and more of the need to overextend myself to do... anything really. It's just not so important. Tying emotional loose ends with my past in whatever remnants remain still, as always. What I ask for, truly? To beyond all fear and anything but this light, always and forever now. I... move towards the choice to be ordered (as it manifests as a choice). And to manifest greater intelligence (universal intelligence) and creativity than I ever have before. Why? Just because. Because I can. Oh. And I got the nail kit; my nails are fab.
  5. @Zigzag Idiot I can't believe you remembered this journal!
  6. NAILS AND SHIT: Also, it's about 3 weeks of maintaining my manicures and painted nails and I've already driven myself insane. I'm not high enough maintenance by habit with this stuff, at least not with nails. In other ways, yes. Having to devote what feels like 10-20 percent of my passive brain space to the state of my nails at all times? Nope. Not enjoying it. I'm used to having short, low maintenance nails. (Other than maybe 2 years of middle school age, I mostly grew up a tomboy whenever I was given an actual choice.) Oh, look at all the things I can't do with my hands. Bleh. At least my nails finally have the perfect shape. But... I don't think I can play a guitar, any kind of serious cooking is annoying, and I clean underneath my nails probably like 5 times a day because I can't stand getting any visible gunk under it. Which seems to happen when I do anything. I also can't stand chips. However, I've started getting bothered by my bare nails (largely because of the visible dirt and gunk issue), but also maybe it just feels naked. So I'm really looking forward to this: Please, please be low maintenance... It's like a natural French manicure, which apparently looks basically the same as an American manicure (the latter I just learned about). It's basically the no-makeup look of nails. (I'm not prepared to go down the nail world hole. Kind of tempting, but no). A MYSTERY: My mom had really strong, beautifully shaped nails which she must have maintained regularly (no polish though), but they always looked so neat and clean and never got chipped or ragged or unshapely and also she actually did do things. Maybe not as many physical things with my hands as I do, but still. I don't get it. Still figuring this stuff out apparently, haha...
  7. HOW TO ANNOY YOURSELF 101/ This is Kind of Pointless: Do you ever have any sort of long-lasting habit or tick where you have no idea exactly when or why you started doing it but it just stuck, and apparently you haven't been assed to change that habit so you still have it years later? It's nothing major enough to cause inconvenience, but whenever it comes up it annoys you. I remember when I was 15 or so, I would sometimes give picture albums and files (say of word documents or audio files) completely illogical file names because I couldn't think of another file name in the moment, and I couldn't be bothered to later. Like I have a file full of guitar/ vocal covers just called CATS. And at least 3-4 times I have gone through my somewhat cluttered desktop and thought, 'what the hell is cats? Pictures of cats? Oh... it's covers.' Rinse and repeat. I also just found this image titled 'ew' and also didn't remember what it is. Oh. I don't even remember if I posted this or was just hoarding it to look at it later and go, 'yes I agree. Ew."
  8. SKETCH COMPILATION: Redundant sketch, the first one. Will possibly edit it out later. Concept sketching a sequence, first take, roughness is embraced. Bunny princess castle gets reincarnated as MEGA FLOATING BUNNY PRINCESS CASTLE. Inspiration for the additives and transformation: wild cottontail rabbits here LOVE hiding and making homes in the vast overgrown thickets of blackberry bushes that we have in some our parks here in Metro Vancouver, even though they are invisible and the municipality sometimes removes them. In other parks, it is absolutely a permanent fixture. Zoom in for microscopically tiny flying rabbits. Rough, but it works. Not that you can really tell, but the rabbit featured in most of these pictures is one of my former rabbits (Tara), previously posted in a few of my other journals. J is utterly obsessed with this shitty grainy picture of her for some unknown reason. He calls this her wind tunnel mode (there was no wind).
  9. NOT BELONGING: Where the hell would I ever belong, if everywhere? (I meant anywhere, handy Freudian slip though!) In the past, I used to form very strong individual bonds with an individual or sometimes where there were 3-4 of us at most. Just generally, I feel like I blend into mainstream society pretty effortlessly in the sense of hiding in plain sight; it's sheer habit and survival, but I feel like an outsider, unsurprisingly. But at most times, I have always felt like an outsider amongst outsiders too. There is like... the pretense of common interest and connection and the reality that doesn't necessarily follow at all. I have heard this sentiment: if you do not feel at home, if you never felt at home, you will never feel at home anywhere, no matter how much people welcome you. In other words, the base feeling precedes the reality generally. Something will always crawl underneath your skin. Maybe the more you reach for it desperately, the more it will elude you. No, isn't it better to just not reach at all, at least not in that sort of way? It's one of those things: it seems ridiculously cruel regardless. You get used to it. The human ability to habituate to almost anything is impressive. I can't pretend. I don't have the energy and desire for it. I tried. I could barely keep up the pretense. It seems to destroy me. Pretense. Or I am hypersensitive to this, and in my way of focusing, tend to magnify this. Maybe this is something that I do not have in common with people that I thought I had so much in common with in the past. I thought I was so good at intuiting and observing people's characters in this way, but it seems that I was just projecting and that I may or may not have been influencing people directly through my projection in a sense... All commonality is assumed or created in some way, and I failed to see the reality of things, and I also failed to create or have my understanding of reality line up with tangible reality. (SO DEAL WITH IT, ETC.) While I'm at it, I might as well try to unravel and make sense of this social instinct and desire within me. It seems inevitably I'm still bringing this with me everywhere in everything that I do. This desire for "home" lingers like a sort of dead sacred cow. It's been there since childhood in some form or another. It seems to be not enough to dispose of it without something else of a similar nature appearing in the vacuum. Why is that? Reaffirming that I feel at home RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW feels ridiculous, but it might just be the way to go or is at least in the right direction. There is something almost offensive or distasteful to me in its dishonesty of affirming that, but we all have to start somewhere, do we not?
  10. BOOKS READ: Ancient Mediterranean Civilizations: I read the last two books in the collection about the Mycenaeans and the Etruscans. Reading about the Minoans was by far the most interesting part of this book series. For example: the palace at Knossos other than having amazing frescoes and also being the largest building by far in the world at the time that we know of (apparently it reached up to 4-5 stories in some places) had the first flushing toilet and water filtration pipes made of clay that apparently were extremely durable and lasted. So these porous clay pipes were used to filter dirt debris that came from aqueducts. They had a few things sorted out at a number of their palaces: the water supply and also sewage management/ water treatment. It was by far the most advanced system in the world for a long time. (They were apparently, very hygienic.) Not bad for about 4000 years ago. I have been wondering why they were so advanced compared to other civilizations during the time period, maybe it was all the war they avoided? This famous fresco with the dolphins at the queen's megaron at Knossos: This throne room, also at Knossos: Mercia (Captivating History): From the same book series as above. A short, 100+ page book that touches on the Anglo-Saxon of Mercia, the last portion of this kingdom's history is touched on in the tv show The Last Kingdom (based on the book series by Bernard Cornwell). It really is hard to keep track of those Saxon names with similar beginnings... Aethelflaed, Lady of Mercia and warrior queen (also its sole ruler following her husband's death): From "The Last Kingdom": from right to left, Æthelflæd, Æthelred of Mercia (depicting him as her absolute goober of a husband), and her father Alfred of Wessex (aka. Alfred the Great). This show is historically accurate in some ways but not in any others, FYI... Apollonius of Tyana (Charles River Editors): (AKA "PAGAN JESUS") A very short book (50 pages) about a Greek contemporary of Jesus of Nazareth who also ended up being a sort of fierce pagan competitor in the next couple centuries after their deaths and actually was more popular during the time period. If the early Christian church hadn't so violently stamped out all opposers in order to politically consolidate the new church with state (including people who were Christian, but say, did not believe in the divinity of Christ, aka. the Arians), then more people might have heard of this figure. As opposed to pretty much no one. Also, out of all of the figures that Joseph Campbell listed as being "Jesus like" in terms of role and narrative, including Krishna, Buddha, Apollonius of Tyana is the most similar in terms of type (a teacher and miracle worker) in terms of the moral and ethical character of their work (specifically the focus on "good deeds", to my memory), except Apollonius of Tyana was purported to have been an Upper-class Greek, was educated and mentored in philosophy (and is considered to be part of the Neo Pythagorean school, so he believed in transcendent knowledge, which yes, included mathematics. The original work by Philostratus was attempting to redeem Apollonius of Tyana about 100 years after his death by dissociating him from being a magician/ sorcerer, which apparently was a big fucking deal. (BY THE POWER OF PHILOSOPHY, I COMPEL YOU! The point was that supposedly it was superior knowledge aka. "philosophy" that distinguished him and caused the miracles, not "magic".) Both figures had disciples (presumably passed down from the original lineage), but Apollonius of Tyana never officially organized it into a "church" and likely would have been opposed to the idea. FUN FACT: Apollonius of Tyana enjoyed a renewed reputation throughout several time periods as a sort of more cerebral, educated Jesus, including during the Enlightenment (Voltaire was an endorser). I do own this book and read it over a decade ago; it's at my parents' house. I could possibly use a refresher. It's basically the only surviving source on the subject. I found this on Pinterest, some of these details I cannot myself confirm as true because I'm not even remotely an expert on this subject, especially biblical studies (it's not my general field of interest, but sometimes there are some really interesting details that I learn here and there): The Geography of Nowhere (James Howard Kunstler): Great book so far, I'm about half way through. I will update this.
  11. NORSE MAGICK, DESTABILIZING ENERGY: The channeling and transforming of anger or RAGE was part of the Norse tradition; there was a certain kind of self-knowledge and instinct that was present in these earlier, premodern traditions that is absent in more present ones, no matter how much we try to return to the grassroots. There are more hurdles to jump over. Note that something can be more ancient and 'civilized' or suppressive or ascetic in spirit when it comes to experience these 'lower' emotions more fully, and in that sense, magnifying them to universal proportions and significance. What it is... is a quick, almost instant, source of forward-moving energy as far as intention goes. At the higher levels of "RAGE" (or just FORCE, as it starts to lack the properties of 'normal anger' anymore) there is "union" and it is not necessarily framed in relation to inner or outer conflict. It's not anger to or towards anything in particular. But it does relate to "possession" and it is an aggressive, "base" instinct rendered hyperconscious. It's that conflict stops before it even would ever happen. It's a "battle" that's already been won from the outset. Because my earlier life post age 13 has dipped so much on the experience of this one life, and because it has dominated so strongly (to the point of completely subverting my "normal consciousness" as I had known it), I have had both the direct knowledge/ memory/ awareness of this as well as the bagagge in the modern sense. What is well adapted and relatively stable for a certain local environment, culture, and time period (note the ways in which culture may affect you residually even when you live in solitude, in the way that your psyche and values/ priorities have been constructed. In modern times, this tendency or aspect of my personality has tended to cause inner conflict with myself, has been exhausting, and my own psyche as I found it was not nearly robust, or STABLE or cleared out enough to handle the force of this so well. I haven't always been totally aware of what I'm doing with this type of energy/ impulse and why, particularly when I was 14. It's like fire. You could burn down the whole village accidentally, or you create all sorts of new technologies with it. There's nothing inherently "good" or "bad" about it; it just is. And aspects of it aren't so right for the current era, and don't play so nicely or reconcile so neatly with aspects of my personality otherwise. I have not been able to SHOUT nearly as well either, I mean that is hardly a surprise for the above reasons. And also, I have to give it new meaning in a current context. It is by modern standards HIGHLY UNSTABLE because it moves as quickly as possible from intention into action (ideally instantly), that is both the strength and beauty of it. It is a quick manifester. For whatever stands in your way, you tend to hurt yourself directly. That is the cost. You must be within and without, fully consolidated with WILL. When things are less than lined up, it is mentally and emotionally destabilizing in the classical definition of this, but I have found that this attachment to the notion of stability as it presents itself often comes at a very steep cost: psychoemotional and physical stagnation. It is a forced stop, a making oneself smaller, and less alive. It is often some combination of suppression and dissociation. This is never a good thing ultimately, but sometimes you find yourself needing some respite. I have found ways to mitigate and contain the effects of this in the past, also at a cost. Ultimately you can't use this properly if you are constantly putting on the brakes every few moments. Stopping. Starting. Stopping. Starting. You are also sabotaging your own momentum to get things done, but hey, it is better than running your own car into a wall, right? (And how do you train yourself not only to not do that kind of damage but also to trust yourself after you have had historical reason not to trust yourself?) I have had ways to both slow down and to stop the flow of energy both in the moment and over the longer term with habits and psychoemotional reorientations. It being exhausting is a heavy, sometimes obliterating tax on a nervous system and body that might be exhausted already. It is something to always be mindful of, to the point of babysitting yourself constantly. Ultimately too, that brake has to go. The whole system/ approach/ perspective gets transformed at different levels, both more superficially and at the root of it. I at times look at myself over and over again to study myself, to note how multifaceted my own personality is, particularly with all of the memories and knowledge that has come in from past lives and the question of WTH DO I DO WITH THIS if anything. No, it's definitely easier to have all of that memory/ experience subverted or unconscious. It tends to be that way for a reason. If you had infinite memory right now, how would you reconcile it with your "normal consciousness"? You know, you wouldn't even necessarily have to do anything with it unless it poses problems for you, or you can just leave it be regardless. "BIPOLAR TENDENCIES", STUFF PSYCHIATRY DOESN'T HELP YOU WITH: Both this type of conscious work and the inclination towards it predisposes you to high and low cycles. Now, I ultimately don't think this is an inherent problem or defect in the way that this tends to be implied with bipolar diagnoses, as an example. And I will just say, with the number of issues I've had in my life, bipolar was very low on my list of concerns. (And I rarely tend to be on the side of conventional psychiatry here, as I have written about periodically). Yes, it has to be "managed" in a sense rather than "cured", but this is completely the wrong way to look at it. What you want to do is to MAXIMIZE and enhance your own natural disposition or to change your core disposition (And if you wish to change your core disposition/ orientation, it's good to ask yourself why? Is it because culture tells you that there is something wrong with you? Does that even feel good or right on a core level to you?). You bring the best out of your high spots, and take care of yourself during your low spots, and working on collapsing the distinctions and segregations between the high and the low. Ultimately, you have to distigmatize yourself though, unless you want to live like you're a broken, malfunctioning person indefinitely. Do you know what you are supposed to do during your low cycles? Fucking rest properly. We tend to not be that good at it, myself included at times in the past. Not passively, not with lots of things happening in the background, not to be worrying about other things, like the world or your health or your mortality or the future or the past (this is too much to ask for sometimes relative to where you find yourself, I know). That's not resting (and for that reason, I have tended to favour catatonic rest states, though technically it is always necessary.) From that point, you reset your nervous system and can generate more energy from there. At the very least, be mindful that high energy expenditure tends to have consequences particularly if you produce a lot of psychoemotional resistance which may not be noticeable in a manic state... but you will feel it after. (This is also a good state to sow the seeds of intention for the future for when you are in higher energy states, as higher energy states are when things best come to fruition.) Do you know what you are supposed to do during your high cycles? Be mindful and intelligent about your energy usage, use it productively creatively and intellectually (if you are so inclined), sometimes things that are not possible otherwise might be possible here. Honestly, how much has been created over time in this way? Go fully and deeply into the spirit of manic, divine inspiration and joy. People ply themselves with substance to feel that high and alive, so this can be a gift, you know? Also, be mindful in the tendency that you tend to do really off-the-wall stuff and that has undesirable consequences (don't get real excited, gamble away your life savings, and then come to your senses afterward etc.). But your own nature working to your advantage? Why make a war with yourself if you don't want to, if it doesn't serve you ultimately? You can't win from that, and there is a certain aspect of psychiatric labeling which sets you up or encourages to fight a permanent war with yourself. You might be fighting anyway, sure. But this is literally telling you that you are unfixable. I don't find this very respectful to human life and experience, but I do understand some people prefer both the labelling and the treatment available. I do know other people tend to go, no thanks, I prefer having a personality (despite whatever damage it causes). I'm not going to argue with what people find to be true and valuable, generally. Generally, I tend to think of the tendency towards highs and lows means that you tend to work in cycles, which can also then be sped up or slowed down based on various factors, some might be experienced as uncontrollable or circumstantial relative to where you are, and many many factors might be entirely in your control. Psyche is malleable wherever you find yourself, remember that. If you were completely even and flat and stable in that way, would that be to your advantage, your personal preference, and pleasure of experience? Any answer to this is fine as long as it's honest. If you want the highs without the brutal lows, this requires a structural change to psyche itself. In relation to this, you have to consider the value of CONTRAST in your experience. Do you savour the ways the highs taste specifically as a result of the contrast to the lows (which may be brutal and depressive... or just... flat). It does taste differently and more acute and sharper in a particular way. You'll have to wean yourself off the addiction or habituation to it.
  12. CONTINUAL REORIENTATION// SOCIAL-SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY/ "RANT": If you possess unusual power in the realm of sight and manifestation, FFS use it for something and someone other than yourself or in such a myopic way. There is a multitude of details and ways between our myopia and the universal everything. There is more than grandiosity and universal things for those who lack an appreciation for details and everyday living, which is to say that all of these aspects can be found everywhere (no new news, I know). Sometimes one thing or another (or everything) gets tiring and grating and sucks ass. It happens. This isn't a fucking competition of perspective. Honestly, I hope for every time this comes up, these boundaries just disintegrate instantly and may we all be forced to deal with the consequences in way that minimizes redundant pain and trauma as quickly as possible. (I also appreciate the irony of saying this in a pretty forceful way, by the way. But life is about prioritization whether you want it to be or not.) This is MY will or desire for manifestation. For this particular type of game playing to end. And when I truly want something, I will use absolutely everything at my disposal. Be a good human being (or galactic citizen, depending on your orientation and allegiences) and contribute to consciously transforming things at the base level of reality, which would happen by default anyways by your thinking and feeling and existing, etc. What is 5 minutes out of your day? Or just use it for yourself, and own that too. Technically, you don't have to do anything at all, and obliging yourself and dragging your feet isn't necessarily THE way even if some of us do that sometimes. I don't want to guilt people, and it's not the right focus to bring to this anyway. I myself need a sense of responsibility that I place purely on myself because i came to this with no intrinsic, external social role or anything which obliges me to do anything. And sometimes, I don't always feel like it. I really don't. But to do nothing feels worse. It's like an unfinished song inside of myself even if the song doesn't always feel explicitly good to sing. Something can be meaningful and not fun, obviously. But sometimes I have to refrain from reading people here in the case that I feel the urge to goad people and make dismissive comments because I get annoyed and I want people to get with the program already (from my perspective). I try to avoid anything that feels like nagging people or being overly moralistic in my tone; generally I don't believe in that approach and I don't think it's super effective in the long run either. But I wanted to point out that you're not the only one doing this or insular in your own experience, even if it FEELS that way. And I get that feeling; I really do. One day you will look back on your experience (even if not in this life) and be able to remember what it feels like to feel segregated or alone in your experience in ANY aspect, so that you think that your own realizations are inaccessible. And it will be totally alien to you. It will be irrelevant once you leave this body, of course. There is no such thing. It doesn't exist intrinsically. This is why there is the notion of the akashic records, though descriptions of how it works and how it can be used tend to be rather limited IMO. You don't have to not be in a body to use it. obviously. There are tons of potential usages and ways of access and organization of -infinite information-. I look and I see many ways. There are no intrinsic rules except for your social conditioning and the species biases. And there are a number of ways outside of this as well. Your own experience is technically directly and fully inhabitable by people in body right now. It's just that we so very, very rarely have the experience of this where we are at. I am irritated by people who fetishize and hyperspiritualize Mahāsamādhi even though I totally get the desire to leave at the same time for various reasons. Are you the kind of person who fasts forwards every movie to the end or do you play a movie for 2 seconds and then go, yep, definitely seen everything worth seeing. Even if you have seen everything, what is qualitative experience governed by ultimately, even if your perception of it is mostly/ entirely outside of time as you experience and receive it? Do you then turn it off and walk away? "ABSOLUTE SHIT!" Yea, it's absurd, everything is, but why did you turn it on the first place? I guess that's up for you to decide. If I sit down beside you because I'm curious or excited about watching this movie with you, yea it's kind of disconcerting and jarring if you go do those things as your witness. (And here I am still sitting and watching your movie anyway, or doing my best to.) Just call it as it is: I don't want to be here anymore; I don't like life and I don't like existing. This is still true even as you have all of those other grand universal aspects to it too. I'm not one of those people who obliges people to live under any circumstance though, just to make that clear if you haven't read anything I've wrote on this topic (suicide/ euthanasia before). I just this that this is all skews towards pretentious in a dishonest kind of way. But if you think all existence is totally pointless and you're done with it, I would wish for you to exist in a sort of true zero-weight civilization ("absent of karma or the lack of awareness of total cause and effect), one that has been existing for eons, and then to tell me that is the same thing as witnessing it from your current perspective as a human (even if it has been mostly entirely obliterated depending on the status of your drug trip or where you are overall) of having directly participated in the creation of this as an embodied being and collective. Why do a number of beings and civilizations (or you might even say, physical matter such as celestial bodies) exist when technically there is no point to keep going (since there never was anyway)? Why bother transcending death at a physical, biological level to stay embodied when it has absolutely nothing to do with the preoccupation with living or not in the first place? Sure, just skip it all if you want. I'm not actually here to argue with you, just wondering if you really have really seen everything worth seeing and created everything worth creating (and also wondering why you hate life so much, at pretty much any level). Did the whatever 'you' that came into this life feel the same way as 'you' do now? Did it just happen? And are you all on the same page as 'you' about this? (You might actually be, but I watch people and my intuition gives me doubts.) Just some thoughts.
  13. This is a bit of a hot mess from my current perspective. Mostly all of these residual identities need to collapse. That's the issue with memory when there is one; it needs to be weightless or just not there, or else it just gets in your way sooner or later. From wherever I am, there are "too many options" or potential pathways that I see, and it seldom is the best one if I consider what I had just previously done. Rinse and repeat this perpetually.
  14. UNPOPULAR OPINION?: I enjoyed reading Christopher Marlowe's Dr. Faustus more than anything Shakespeare has ever written, but then Marlowe wasn't shoved down my throat in my schooling as The Greatest Playwright ever. Also, he died young too (29), and he didn't really get the time to develop his talents fully. Although I have just read that recently he was credited as Shakespeare's cowriter on 3 plays, which I imagine must piss off some people? (Previously he was contended to have been a powerful direct influence on him, which isn't saying that much, he was the most popular playwright of the time before he died. There have also been debates about the authorship of Shakespeare's plays for some time, although I don't know what those conjectures are worth TBH.) P Plus, that hair. Marlowe had more of a glam life and reputation.