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  1. Listening to David Foster Wallace speak; I find it relaxing. The softness and measured quality in his voice. The meticulousness of his observations, his eye and way of searching for details and finding meaning in them, his sense of the absurd. His sense of humanity and the appreciation of humanness. This essay (Shipping Out) makes me laugh. The artistic quality of how his mind and particular way of being ran around in circles.
  2. My Secret Weakness (and Shame): Or one of them, anyway. I wanted to be taken care of like a little girl (or with the little girl in me in mind, more accurately). For the times where I had gotten especially frightened and confused; for the ways in which my life had been extremely traumatic. For the burdens I have had to bear, then and now. I wanted someone to be that strength for me, at least sometimes. I wanted to lean on someone fully, even though I know I am heavy (with the weight of the world on my heart); maybe too heavy to hold for long at all. Human vulnerability. There's no shame in it, intrinsically. And I could never trust anyone enough to let them in until.... (I took my chance). I didn't want to stay this way, I couldn't..... not with someone else taking care of me, by myself. Not alone either. I thought I was known. Was too obvious. I was ashamed of my weakness (or is it more accurate to say that I am too proud for it?). Part of me prefers to drop dead from hurt and fatigue. Or to be my own end, with my own hands. I face this alone. I was hoping someone could be to me, what maybe I have been to others, in times past.... (comfort of the soul, warmth inside me, protection). Hoped that person would stay forever. I believed through doubt (or was it hope?). See me and want me. Just this once. Please. Whatever I have done, and whatever I have been. Whatever I think I deserve (or don't). Because I didn't think I could manage it otherwise, that I would want to. Denied. Nothing. It wasn't meant to be. Thought I was meant to go home. Thought I would be taken there, if I waited long enough. Thought it was waiting for me. Thought I was being waited for. When things were right enough (I was never waiting for perfect, just to feel safe enough, with something more solid in my hands...). It never came. No home. My own human vulnerability is the hardest thing for me to face sometimes. I seemed barely equipped. Like it's barely a part of my repository of experiences, feelings, choices. It drowns me in spades. It's okay. (I comfort myself now. No past. No future.)
  3. @Vaishnavi Love this song and Cigarettes After Sex in general. I do a cover version of this.
  4. @Angelite Hey you removed your original text! Why? @zeroISinfinity Thanks.
  5. Energy Work: Thursday Night Observations & Reflections: *Outside of writing here, I am not generating quite so many thoughts ( like, consistent thought loops, my active thought pattern is pretty sporadic and very minimal), but still making judgements (it happens). I feel like my are emotions accelerating and intesifying (at least in the overt expression of them).... which is why I stopped doing pranayama in the first place (I remember the original name for it now. In certain occult circles, we practiced this and rigging our visualization for ritualistic purposes quite a lot. But I was never too big on the ritual stuff, actually.). *my focus is primarily on turning my own attention to my heart, constantly, the feedback it gives me, how it impacts me emotionally. And residually, my judgements, and whatever thoughts there are. Focusing on not disconnecting or dissociating at all, and paying attention to it in the most meticulous, loving way I can manage. Always. From moment to moment. *Focusing on being in tune with my own heart as a higher spiritual entity, feeding it sexual and the energy of the base centre in general through breathwork, which I am doing multiple times a day now. And also, feeding my thoughts. (I went from 1-100 pretty quickly). *This is moreso going on instinct/ direct observation at this point, on how it impacts my energy systems directly, rather than following anyone's guidelines on anything (I've always been like this with practicces though, experimenting and tinkering at a rapid pace ...) *Being on My Own Side: Focusing on not turning away from how I feel (this is the equivalent of "not having resistance, I guess, or minimizing it), no sensations/ the feeling of being in a body period, no matter what it is, no matter how much it is, how uncomfortable, inconvenient, etc. *Being mindful of negative judgements towards my emotions. But as I turn my own thoughts and focus toward my heart, it comes up less and less naturally? * Some concurrent systems, based on flow: root to crown (upward, base/ Earth energy), crown to root (down, "celestial energies") *Two energetic feeback loops: Womb/ heart, heart/mind, meeting at the heart, which is the sort of nexus point. *Concurrent systems: Experimenting/ tinkering with the things. Heart centered (figure 8, 3d version would be the torus shape)// pull in (to and from the heart centre up through the crown/ base), push out (from the heart, out through the crown and base centres). Doing something/ studying this still. Maybe useful. In maybe about a week, I'll have some more observations on all of this.
  6. @Serotoninluv Thank you for sharing this. Really interesting read.
  7. @Raptorsin7 I was born a certain way. It's just business as usual for me, for the most part. I have done very little work and put in little effort compared to some people, including people here, who have devoted the best part of their energy to their growth, if not most of their energy period. I respect that. (In fact, sometimes, I just shut most of it off so I could experience living "normally". It makes me physically and emotionally ill.) Most of these abilities would take a lifetime to develop, if you have some affinity, if not multiple lifetimes, under normal circumstances. This is usually why people get a guru or teacher, I guess. Aside from having specialized knowledge or techniques (assuming they're the real deal), they may also practice direct transmission (passing on powers and energy directly from teacher to student). Direct transmission used to be the primary means; and everything else was just preparation for either opening up, or creating a sort of mental framework to make use of what's there, psychologically. We're not emotionally and psychically open anymore, as species, not quite as it was, so this sort of passing is a lot more difficult now. I totally respect this desire to hack it out on your own though, especially when people can manage it.
  8. @Raptorsin7 Yes, but it's about being illuminated in every aspect and energy centre, including in the heart and in your sexual centre. Otherwise you're just a floating brain. Seriously though, quite a few ESP powers are rooted in the heart first, and the mind either plays a secondary or minimal role, or it's not possible to use certain abilities properly without the heart illuminated, period. Other abilities are third eye or mindcentric. Mostly abilities related to psychic seeing (in the literal sense, like remote viewing), clairaudience, related abilities. Perspective in general, making judgements or analysis, interpreting experience. It's not like those things are inherently negative lol. It just gets out of control. The heart isn't just emotion, it is desire or where intention comes from. It's will. It's sensuality (not just in a sexual sense, but also, the complete embodying of your reality, and actually enjoying it). Feeling like things have meaning and purpose. Feeling whole. Emotional perception. There are also a whole host of "higher" ESP abilities related to the heart. Anything that involves psychic feeling or transmutation. Also, being able to feel directly into people's souls or experiences, to embody them. Some other stuff.
  9. But I am chaotic and conflicted because humanity is, and the opposite is true too. I will not leave this state fully until everything in humanity resolved. Every person who has illumination can sense and feel the state of humanity directly, as a totality; even if they've living in seclusion. All the time. It's just that they're not taking it into their bodies and minds constantly through their immediate environment. I do not distance myself though, not usually. I tend to put myself on the firing line, or cutting edge. Whatever you'd like to call it.
  10. @Angelite (woah, I wrote an essay.) There's a difference between feeling other's experiences (as yourself), and having lived it as them (to varying degrees). I am very sensitive/ empath. Do you not get negatively affected when you hear about or imagine something that's really violent? Now imagine that you are that person doing the actual crime? That are you feeling their feelings and thoughts? You see everything they do? That you are in their soul, in a way?..... It is one thing to play all sorts of conceptual games about what this is like, it's another thing entirely to experience it directly. I impacts you directly, unless you're completely heartless or disconnected. You take on their qualities or "corruption", and in my case, I transmute their consciousness. This is not for my direct benefit, mostly, although it is for my understanding. (I am a former god/ patron saint of understanding, and various other things. Some would say the, but you know... always take reputation and myth with a grain of salt.) It is intended to be for humanity's benefit. If things have worked as they should, the places where my consciousness have touched, are places where repeated unconscious behaviours cannot return. One consciousness touches it, it transforms. And anyway, I am quite literally there (an aspect of my personal consciousnesses). And in the case that there in a slide back into certain patterns, if they twist, I twist back. Likewise, there is a massive difference IMO between having past life memories, and living with the conscious weight of all your past memories (or whatever is left of them). All at once. And since I have no real sense of time, remembering what it's like... as if someone killed you yesterday. There is no real sense of psychological or emotional distance to me. I am still emotionally affected by certain things. Because... I am human. There is a contradiction in my personality overall. I have lived most of my lifetimes masking myself living as a normal person, and at least being relatively aware of this, and some other lives in the guru/ human god role. When I live as a "normal person", albeit even a famous, respected, loved, and talented one; it's different. I have to hide and control so much about myself, so meticulously, that it takes a toll on me emotionally. It has been like a prison, at times. This life...felt the most like a prison. I am dealing with the result of that now, plus the ways in which my current life have been very traumatic. So I have asked the question earlier in my journal somewhere, I can transform myself into other people, in dreams, through conscious understanding and in waking life. I can speak in people's language. But can people speak in my language? Does anyone even care to learn anymore? I don't know. But there are a very large number of things to resolve in this world. I am not the love and light and sparkles manifestation of the divine. Most of the gods of antiquity are not. Have a very chaotic aspect. Have the capacity to get furiously angry when they don't get what they want. Are shamelessly lustful. Are so direct about embracing living in the body and the senses, and the total capacity of the human experience. And this stuff is relatively out in the open too, compared to societies that came after. And yet, they would be considered illuminated in the technical sense. It's a matter of human aesthetics and morals. People used to be more direct about what they wanted, and elevating the strong, the intelligent, the beautiful, for better and for worse. Anyway, I'm mostly writing this journal for myself, to consolidate myself. And to remember parts of myself that I would rather have left behind, because I would have preferred to just live life and move on originally, to be honest. Also, to record myself while I am still fragmented. All of these conflicting perspectives are about to collapse though. The more a process of resolving something is accelerated, the more chaotic things can be. I don't have the time or energy to make things look prettier or neater. That's not my aesthetic. I don't care. I want to record the truth of my own experience, as much as I can, from moment to moment. Because this literally a once in a lifetime chance for me. I won't be writing like this after I'm done. I am not a "normal" psychic (whatever that is). I am not a channel. I do a lot more than "see". But I can fulfill all of their functions. I have to admit though, I think staying on this site may have made writing more convoluted, haha.
  11. Some Grievances: When am I going to get my story straight (as straight as possibly can)? Why do I tell so many flippant jokes to avoid being more direct still? I bear the burden of all my past lives, all at once. Actually, everyone does, but I bear the burden of memory. I have watched my genesis as a soul on Earth. What I was, to what I am now. I have been here since the beginning. And I have a good handful of times where my life has ended badly. I remember it all like it happened yesterday. What it was like to die, almost as if it happened yesterday, almost on a visceral, physical level (without associating it directly with this body, obviously). I have given away so much light. I have watched myself split into pieces, and become duplicitous. So I could be around people. So people could be around me. So civilization could advance. I have watched those I loved lie to my face, walk away from me (and arguably vice versa too, in my way). I have been in the minds of people who have done the worst things. Walked through their shadows. When I was a teenager especially. I saw. I have walked through the collective unconscious. I have seen inside the minds of fundamentalists, terrorists, those in high places, "ordinary" people who hide all their lies and their crimes. I have watched their secret thoughts, the these things people cannot face, the things people hide but have no remorse about. I have seen carnage and abuse of all sorts, as the observing eye, and dropped my identity, and felt it as they would, doing it as they would. So I could understand. So I could be the human witness, especially if somehow, no one else could or would. Collect all this information. I have bathed in their "sins", drank it into my emotional body, and shattered it. I have wanted to wanted to wash my brain many, many times. I have lived whole lives as other people, at times. I have a past life memory from antiquity; again, I don't care to say who I was, but I was a sort of scientist-philosopher. The way of death might give it away, but that's not what I want to talk about. What I do what to talk about is off the records. I built and created things with my hands (I am actually, a technologist at heart, but technology needs a heart). One of the first things that happened in the sequence of events leading up to death, was that while I was at work, I was confronted and my hands were smashed. My knuckles, my fingers. It was an out of body shock moment at the time. I wasn't even exactly legitimately afraid, except in an animal way, but more.... really hurt, emotionally. And confused; like I just didn't get it. But at that moment, I knew my life was over. There was no point; I would not be able to continue my life's work. That was the purpose of existing in body. I had lived a very ascetic, very honest life in a way, a life in service.... and in my heart was I was like, why.......everything I did in my life, I did it for you (people in general). Then I died in a horribly violent way, even notably so for the time period. I did not see my death coming at all. Maybe I could have, but I chose faith and goodwill, and focusing on asserting my truth. And I remember what this feels like, like it was yesterday; I don't avoid thinking about it, I have no reason to, but when I do, I feel a visceral pain. I feel grief. And as of everything I know up to this moment; I believe this is the moment when I decided to watch my back. Always. All the time. In some small part of me, usually hidden, I believe it eventually became more and more of an illness. I became duplicitous. Those with me became more duplicitous. We all paid the price for it. (All the stories of our various lifetimes are written all over our emotional body, actually, and our heart. This is where the truth is. But in order to be able to read it clearly....) In love, arguably I've been a lot more selfish. Just as a general rule. But I have also given everything that I could.......... In this life, my own emotional body and nervous system, physical body, has been the dumping grounds for other people's sins. What is found most unpure, unfaceable about themselves; injected into me. I faced it for them; not like I was given a conscious choice. But.... I don't really have a martyr complex. It doesn't do much for me; it's not my value system. I am too proud and too direct in many ways... I would always prefer to affirm what I both most beautiful and life affirming.... and also, I don't go gently into that good night. It was a phase... of my life. I do have a couple positive things to say about it.There is still... the beauty of life. Other thoughts: I say I don't care about him; but I do. I always will. But there is duty, and there is self-love (life's work). I always keep my promises. One way or another, it gets done. I give myself the space to grieve still, however I need it. I promised myself to always be on my side, even if no one else will, even if not quite in the way I both wanted it and needed it. I woke up today with the thought on my mind... "she didn't want herself." Talking about how I don't want aspects of myself, so I would just throw them out. And walk away from myself. This tendency in general, in my past life, in my current life. I treated myself, my feelings, as if I was disposable. I was treated that way. At times, I have made others feel that way. I waited for someone... to make me not feel that way. He did. I believed it. I thought he saw me. I thought he understood me. I had been craving to be understood and seen so....... and I thought I needed to be, not alone, not physically alone, here holding myself, my own heart... (I thought I was going to be the one to give back, so much more than I actually did.) I don't have anything really angry to say about all this. I suspect I'm done with the angry bitter ranting. I'm just alone with my own heart now. And I look at the way that I treated myself, the fact that I prioritized "holding it together" (which basically means just looking the part), and my heart breaks for how I treated the most delicate vulnerable aspects of myself. Yea, other people may have treated me a certain way. But I... did that (even as I felt like I didn't have a choice at the time). My heart doesn't care that my mind thought it did the best it could possibly do. It's my attitude of heartlessness. Now, my heart (as a higher entity) tells me when I am not present. Most often by getting really angry of upset with me. I had not thought of dissociation or dettachment as trying to throw out parts of yourself, but it many cases, that's what's happening. The lines of communication are changing... I had the passing thought again. I wish I wasn't here tonight, because I don't like the way this feels. And then I heard my heart ask... do you wish that I killed myself? It startled me. What do you think? , I ask back. I don't know... my heart answers back. Lately, I find this so tragic. I can't believe this what some of my inner talk has amounted to essentially; it's horrific. (Like looking at a child and saying to their face, I wish you were dead; that you never were.) I say, no. I will always be on my side now. Present whenever necessary, as much as humanly possible. I don't want to be alone tonight (still craving that kind of above connection, of being totally in someone, and that person in you), but the feeling of absolute solitude is preferable to that feeling of inbetweenness. Neither here nor there. @Angelite Thanks for sharing!
  12. Wednesday Afternoon Thoughts: *ON BEING IN ONCE PIECE: As I am in one piece, so is the rest of the world. When I am in pieces, the world is in pieces. When I am asleep, so is the world. So on and so forth. The collective (un)consciousness is in my palms, and in my way, I am in yours. The law of (psychic) might and natural law very much still apply. (you can also make this same declaration, and see what result this actually has.) *DIVINE IDENTITY: barely anyone some people remember who I am, and that is... kind of amusing to me. I have been watching these ways in which I have been loved, and forgotten (or people have tried to forget me). And vice versa. Now and in past lives. I am feeling... kind of neutral about it all at this moment. *dreams: I was at my parents house, having very odd interactions with them. They were... abusive. But in an explicit way. It doesn't reflect the actual reality of how my parents were at all, and they felt... different. I found myself wondering if it was my parents from the life before (?) I had thought of them before, and thought, whoever they were, on instinct, I don't want to remember much about them. I can feel the outline, the imprint of them, and that's enough. Glad I forgot them. They were awful. It was like... a different kind of jail. A different kind of mind game. If this is true, no wonder I couldn't function in relations then. Trust issues. Also, for some reason, Paul Rudd was in my bed too. (Why Paul Rudd? I've never had a particular thing for him?) It was really nice, like a moment that could stretch on until the end of time.... but he kind of felt like someone else ...... (I barely know anything about Paul Rudd anyway, other than he was in Antman, Clueless in the 90s. And he looks like he's barely aged at all since then, Also he was in this SNL thing...) Nice 80s swagger dude. *A lot of the dreams that I've had about my previous past life were often kind of veiled like that. *In real life, I have prodigiously been avoiding sharing a bed for anyone for very long. So the above scenario would not have happened. Especially after sex. Especially sleeping in the same bed as someone as couple, ad infinitum. God. I can't do it. I get so claustrophobic. Thanks for sex... bye. I got to go be with myself, or I have various things to do. I've always liked my space and my privacy. Everyone I've been with has just had to adapt. My ex complained (a bit seriously, a bit not.. I think) that I made him feel like a bit of bitch. I changed... the last couple years though. I believed I had; I wanted to, I thought I was going to happen. Back to the factory reset. *I start and then stop, so I can take a look at what I'm doing. Everything I do relies on me being able to move quickly and decisively when I really need to. I take it for granted sometimes. Stuff I all already know, so is always a recall or a recombinant process at most. What takes others years I can often chew through in weeks or maybe a few months. If I really care to do so. Mostly, I don't. I get in my own way and I am totally aware of it too. *So what do I want now, given that I have the power and the inclination to get what I want? Create what I want? Absolutely anything? *My equivalent of Osho and all his Rolls Royces: I will never give up the D; am not so inclined. This lifetime is my attempt at abstaining greatly.
  13. 12 am Walks Mood// Loneliness// Desire// Teenagehood: I feel the pull toward that connection. That desire for super closeness, where someone is under your skin, and you under theirs. Where you are completely sharing an experience with them and you can FEEL it. You can't simply just put someone else there... or can you? Say I can still form those kind of connections, will I? Do I want to? My drive in this life has mostly been no, I shy away from the even the sliver of the possibility. Except when I was a teenager. I could not help but be me. I could not help but find myself in embedded somehow in those I love. There is a certain kind of closeness and intimacy I crave. Life seems to lack flavour without it. The most difficult and worthwhile parts of being me come with the highs and the intensity and the ways in which I really turn myself inside out, at times. I think it's... just part of me, and being young especially. But I think when I'm being real and letting myself feel alive and vulnerable (when I'm younger, when I know nothing else but how to be myself, as much as I can), this is what I'm really like. A Tale of Two Crushes (Part 1): There was a boy I had a crush on as a teenager. We were online friends, practicing a similar kind of magick/ energy work (apparently what is called kriya yoga here) at the time. He was a year younger me. We were friends for... 3 years? Sometimes we talked for a very long time. He kept me company during many of those long hours where I was practically chained to my desk. He was often morbidly depressed, but in a flatlined kind of way, whereas I was more all over the place. My extreme highs were very extreme during the time period. I don't know why, but somehow my lows didn't seem as low as his; or at the very least, I had more optimism despite my situation. Like I was meant to work myself out of this situation, somehow. I could just feel it. He knew about my shitty past/ homeschooling situation. How it felt like prison. I knew how shitty his post divorce situation was with his parents, and his general misery living with his dad. School. The seeming aimlessness and pointlessness of it all (stereotypical teenager stuff, I guess. But back then, we were all into it). He would go for long walks near park (I believe in was a provincial reserve in the US) just listening to albums on his walkman. I would space out in my room listening to music, or go out and sit in my yard after 10pm, and sometimes stay until 1-2am, at times later. Even in the winter. I always felt like I could think clearer outside. When everyone else was probably asleep. I would just sit with my music or with silence, and watch the stars. Space out. Feel the language of the elements and natural world form their words and their impressions in my mind's eye. Feel all of the love there; bask in it. Even when it felt like there was no hope. The beauty and unity of everything. (The consecration of the elements; the natural world) I feel like this might come out a bit odd, but I had an instant affinity for him after we started talking, and he felt like a brother (like of the spirit)... but more. He just made sense; our way of communicating make sense. In the way that it feels a lot easier to form close bonds as a teenager, and it feels like the whole world... (even online. Not sure if was our age or the time period in the history of the internet, but people felt a lot more open back then. Pre-twitter and pre-facebook, etc.) We shared music constantly. We both listened to a lot of metal and he introduced to so much that I loved (and some stuff I didn't. ). He was not quite as much into books, games, and other stuff. But REALLY into music. Music. And the occult. We made a sort of... pact since we both agreed that our lives were so shitty, one day we could move out together. Leave where we were. He could come here. We could go somewhere else. Go where? I don't know. Not here. (It feels... so teenaged.) He asked me what he was gonna do with his album collection? (He had over 500, I remembered that it was one of the few things he really valued.) He said something like, well, that's not practical at all. But he promised me he would. And eventually, he was like... yea, no. I'm supposed to live life here, even though it fucking sucks and I feel no enthusiasm about anyone. I told him, you don't have to. You don't have to do accept whatever's put in front of you. Just in general. I was always trying to get him to open up and do crazier stuff. Getting him to feel the beauty in things, despite reality and the past being... however it is. He was more reserved, if that wasn't obvious. Toward the end of our... whatever our relationship was. Things got really weird. There was a kind of odd sexual undertone which became more explicit. And sometimes when I was prone to my extreme highs, and would be talking to him.... he told me that he felt me inside his head. And I was like... I know. I see you. I feel the inside of your mind. I feel you in.. other ways too. It feels familiar. I love you, you know. (Don't you have an IRL boyfriend that you don't talk about that much? Yea, I do but he knows that I talk to you and that we have... a whatever this is. I don't think he takes my ecrushes very seriously. I don't believe in lying, you know that. [my ethics have been extremely consistent in certain ways for YEARS] ) He said... I don't understand your logic at all. Or this. Freaked him the fuck out, I think. He distanced himself and got himself an IRL girlfriend. I thought she sounded boring; but I didn't say that. Well, I'm selfish like that. I didn't feel like I was done with him. We had just been overly intimate, and not exactly because either of us consciously tried to be (with the me being in his head thing; I could feel his body too, in a way). So when he told me that she had just fucked him (not like I wasn't also having a physical sexual relationship too, but clearly, that's besides the point), I was like ok, sounds like boring sex. Who else is going to ever get that close to you? No one.... will ever make you ever feel the way I do. (Yea I didn't say that.) The conversations petered off. I missed him a lot; my heart hurt. I felt the absence of the connection and the way he had shut off and withdrawn emotionally. It felt like I left a piece of my soul inside his head; or I had always been there. And I had been feeling so scattered all my life …. I had this weird feeling, like a knowing, that somehow he would come back to me. When I was 50+ and we had both lived out a lot of our life purpose. That I would somehow be easily visible and he would recognize me and be able find me. I just... don't know. I've always had really powerful intuitions like this, and this overwhelming knowing of how the future has already been written in a way. Everything major about it. Just filling in the blanks and the flourishes here and there. ***It probably seems odd that I was allowed to have an IRL boyfriend since my parents let me do shit all otherwise. And we actually did shit and left my house regularly. I mean, he was like 20 when I started dating him and I was 15 ... but I think they really didn't want me sneaking around at 4am anymore, and they thought this would placate me? It did. In a way. It was the only time they weren't ... watching me. This all seems so strange and contradictory in retrospect.
  14. @Uncreated Perhaps a shift in the collective (un)consciousness?
  15. @DrewNows What about your mother? If you feel comfortable talking about it. (Could be a lot of things.)