modmyth

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  1. Wow, look at all these serious posts up there about very serious things. ^^^ This post isn't going to be that serious. BIRTHDAY: So my partner and I watched the movie "8th grade"; he recommended it to me since I said that I didn't like Lady Bird that much, and he said that I thought I'd like this movie a lot better because I'd find the protagonist far less annoying. But he warned me that it would be some concentrated cringe though. It was. It was written and directed by Bo Burnham, who I believe also started off on Youtube in the early era originally... For anyone who was anywhere near that anxious and uncertain about the opposite sex growing up like the protagonist in this movie, especially around the questionable ages of 11-14, I am truly, truly sorry. (Even though I could relate to it directly. I guess never was anywhere near that uncertain about myself.) .... I got a matcha roll cake (again), burgers in bed, and this pin because it made me laugh (and yea, that about sums it up, at least at this very moment). This may or may not be the start of an enamel pin collection. We also spent at least half an hour looking at pictures of AI generated dicks (because I asked aloud: I wonder if that's a thing??? Oh yea, it's definitely a thing) , so it was just me dick pic-ing myself (and him watching me dick-pic myself) and laughing hysterically, as there were a lot of horrifying absolutely hilarious and amazing AI generation mishaps. It's on the level of "this horse does not exist"... but with dicks. I find it very imaginative if you just consider it from a sort of creative perspective: floating fleshmonsters, disembodied parts that look like they're transforming into something else, malformed hands, etc. It's the fact that I probably would not have imagined it like that myself which makes it interesting. ....so, we've always been weird together? Like we can show each other pretty much anything. He's never gave a shit about seeing dicks even when we were way younger, for example. It just doesn't do much either way. Likewise... ...honestly, I'm not sure what the point of this is other than to find someone who vibes or who can acclimatize to your particular brand of weirdness, as well as humour?
  2. @Advocate Thank you, appreciate it! @Myioko Thanks. The book is very accessible in terms of how it's written stylistically, but it's jam packed with a lot of ideas, so it took me some extra time to work through it. It was really worthwhile. The film was a very relaxing but energizing experience, very meditative. The whole soundtrack is very eerie in positive way, and it has a very "slice of life" type approach to it. It definitely demands all of your attention though. I would be curious to know what you'd think about either one of them.
  3. EXTREMELY HIGH EFFORT RETRO PORN SOUNDTRACK: It's kind of surprising that I found this by watching it first, and not finding the album independently first given that Klaus Schulze was in early era Tangerine Dream and I've been familiar with them since my teens... Somehow it does work with the futuristic, travelling on a space ship while having a chill orgy vibes. It was pretty strange at first (note: I was not prepared at all!), and then somehow the music does synchronize with the sex which is pretty fascinating. 1) Somehow it works in a trance-inducing sort of way. 2) It's just not something that you see as well. Porn music isn't really generally known for being much of anything, including music wise. It could be, but it's not. The main actress in this film though (Catherine Ringer) gives off very strong "this is totally a performance art piece" vibes though. It definitely feels like trying. (I think she was a fairly well-known French singer/ songwriter/ musician, but I am not sure.) It does feel pretty pretentious. But in a positive way though, haha. There is the second one too, which I haven't listened to. Anyway, after finding this, I got bored of looking for high effort retro pornos; originally I had been looking because I heard that some directors had taken it quite seriously, especially in the 70s (and maybe the 80s?), and I was really curious about whatever was out there. I was curious about how well it would hold up, or if it would be incredibly, long, drawn out, and pretentious in the most negative sense of that term. But I don't think that I have patience to wade through much of it at all, haha.
  4. MORE LISTENING: Another album by Dalek (experimental hip hop???). I've adjusted to their sound now, at least what I've heard so far. I relistened to this again (a live version of Awake! was posted above. Honestly, it's the only song which is moderately danceable.) For whatever reason, I have no negative associations to this record despite the time period; that it's not a downer record helps a lot. "Numbered" stands out on this particular listen, particularly Anneke's layered vocals. Listen to it on some half-decent headphones because there's usually a lot of nuance in Devin Townsend's layering of sound, period. It's just a lovely song in general. Listening to this while going for a walk in the slightly chilly autumn wind is really nice. REVISITING SOMETHING ELSE: For some reason, CAN makes me think of pretentious fucking fans/ music listeners (did I ever used to be one? Possibly a bit, probably a moderate amount, especially as a teenager). I'm not even sure where I inherited this impression from, exactly. But it makes me think of this song by LCD Soundsystem ("I'm Losing My Edge", which I had heard after I had gotten said impression from who-knows-where): CAN is fun though. (......) MUSIC SNOBS: I had gotten this impression in my early-mid teens, that some guys can't separate how you feel about a certain band from your opinion about them (e.g. their personality, their attitude, perspective, etc., including musically). AKA. the band might be perfectly fine and interesting.... but you are annoying, and somehow your musical taste has become an extension of your penile-fueled ego as well. Not a turn on. Also, not particularly impressive in-and-of-itself. Lastly, at least perhaps consider finding some other cause to identity with at least just as passionately as something which is based on consumption of other people's work, thanks. (..................) That said, I had a solid handful of musically particular guy friends as a teenager as well, and I usually enjoyed getting introduced to new stuff then. If I wasn't dealing with it then, I'm probably not gonna deal with grown-ass versions of that now, wherever they might be. Note: I feel pretty neutrally about this whole issue now though.
  5. I am actually really curious to learn about what you think on the bolded topics! (No pressure or anything haha. ) But you don't see many serious, nuanced conversations about sex work around these parts for the most part, for example. I find myself wondering how much attitudes and perspectives have changed over the last 10-20 years especially when it comes to sex work. For example, the lines being blurred between amateur and professional, and also Onlyfans and what not. Or say... sugaring vs. escorting, etc.
  6. It's all good! Oh, it's by Albrecht Durer. My dad was a big fan of art European art history and architecture especially, so he had a quite a few books in his personal library, so I knew of quite a few old masters before I ever seriously picked up a brush or a pencil as I spent a lot of time growing up going through all of his books. I think overall, he was more well known as a draughtsman (as in a very technically skilled drawer) rather than a painter, though he did a lot of both, and also some printmaking. That painting ("Young Hare") was made in the very early 1500s. Also I remember seeing that unicorn tapestry in a book! It made me think of this tapestry, which I got to see in person in France when I was about...11? I was SO excited to see all of the little rabbits, plus I liked the unicorn too as well as the other animals. (Growing up I had a lavender purple bedsheet set with flying unicorns.) I guess the unicorn theme was really popular back then.
  7. I've decided that I'm done with this; what's done is done. There is no need to dip into this anymore. Also, I have a very healthy appreciation of "normal consciousness" now and an awareness of its very many blindspots. In this particular way, a cycle of thorough understanding is complete, and I think I've seen everything that I've had to seen here now.
  8. HIP HOP/ RAP: The music of the night. (Don't ask me to categorize the genre other than this; I don't know. ) A new one from this year: I'm surprised that I haven't heard this one yet. Something completely new. I'm finally listening to this one just now. Vibes so far with the last album: Industrial-ish .... also makes me think of an ancient underwater cult taking place and being recorded in a submarine?. Vibe 2: Without even looking at the title, "Heads" sounded like smashing your head into trash can lids and using them as percussion. (????!!! ......)
  9. Hi, I thought I'd swoop into this thread for a very important related PSA moment: There is the internal part of the clitoris which is likely what is being stimulated with the g-spot.
  10. I've been meaning to comment here! 1) That is a very cute picture of you when you were younger. 2) I always enjoy your compilations of personal photos, including the nature photos and the pets, the art, and the art inspiration. It's very relaxing to flip through. 3) I find myself curious about what's on your spotify playlist, haha. 4) Your avatar pic has my favourite painting as a kid by an old master, because BUNNIES!
  11. @MuadDib Happy birthday, fellow October person! ..... (Oh, a song.) A favourite song from "Aion", which was probably my most on rotation DCD album as a teenager.
  12. @Raptorsin7 Thank you!!
  13. NORTHERN SKY: It's my birthday, technically. I got to listen to "Northern Sky" while watching the Northern Lights. You could see the Northern Lights from the Lower Mainland the past night or two, though the view is limited when you're right smack in the middle of suburbia. Where I was, it was very slight and ghostly; the traces of undulating green make you wonder if it's even truly there. Tonight, so very early in the morning, it was a bit brighter than the night before. My partner encouraged me to go outside and to soak up all that energy, and he said that apparently, I missed the best hours to see it yesterday. So I did. The wind and very slight rain and autumn chill was incredibly beautiful. I decided to go twirl around and dance and listen to music under the open sky by myself, and to be near the few handful of trees that there are near my house. Ever since the summer, I have a "designated meditation tree" (well, I have a couple actually). The ground was pretty wet though, so I didn't sit on it. But I did twirl and twirl until I was incredibly dizzy and it was hard to balance, and I let myself fall. When I was really young, sometimes I would twirl and twirl, as kids sometimes do, and I did observe a sort of stillness in the centre that was a little bewildering. After I noticed it, I kept doing it sometimes just to observe that effect and feeling, even as it made me a nauseous. (MOTION BLUR: I took this picture on another day; it was late last month, I believe. Something that I really enjoy doing late at night is sitting on the swings near my house and watching and soaking in the beauty of a clear, night sky, and really feeling into the experience of being in my body, doing what I'm doing. My partner and I sometimes have enjoyed doing this together late at night too, to talk especially.) Related Note: I feel like I might be one of those few people who is really obsessed with pictures of shadows as the main subject of an photo, in all its many, possible iterations, both taking and observing them.... not that I take that many photos.) It inevitably brings me back to this book I revisited this week, a short classic on the subject: Yes!! A meaningful shadow! Put a picture frame around it, make it the subject of a novel or a play, and I'll probably be happy to spectate on it. Anyway, If I had not read this book, I probably never would have never, ever thought about how this is a very traditionally East Asian thing to fixate on aesthetically. But like it was stated in this book, I have absolutely thought that too much light, especially in combination with shininess and light reflective qualities (like mirrors, stained glass (as beautiful as it can be, sometimes it's a bit much), and all the shiny bling that you would find in a decked-out baroque Catholic church) gaudy as hell and also a headache, while shadows invoke mystery and the use of ones imagination (which is why when I used to travel as a kid, it's at least partially why I have tended to prefer half-decayed romanesque churches and gothic crypts); I used to think this was just because I was really weird. Back to the original topic (....): I don't actually remember when I learned about Sufis and their twirling; probably I read about it in a history and culture book as a child, but I don't associate it to a specific book or time period. It was definitely before I picked up my dad's book on Rumi as a teenager, which I had found on his bed stand. (It was the very well-known Coleman Barks edition, of course, and not from the Victorian era in equally proper Victorian English). But, visually speaking, it's hard not to remember the flared, outstretched skirts and the tall hats. Vivid and unusual images have a way of etching themselves strongly into your childhood memory: such is the feeling and power of openness and being relatively unwritten by default. (Another tangent: I remember watching this movie with my partner close to when we originally started dating at the local branch of my uni. I was 19; we had a small private theatre/ movie room, and I asked him to watch this with me. When I thought of Sufis right now, I thought of how they make an appearance near the beginning of this film. By the way, if you are reading this, it's worth checking out! There are no words or dialogue; it's a musical and visual experience.) (Dead Can Dance's heart-shatteringly beautiful song "Host of the Seraphim" also makes an appearance in this movie. This song is a personal, significant favourite of mine, and also is such for many people who love Dead Can Dance.) I let myself feel my merging with the elements, and I let myself move freely. There is always the most unspeakably beautiful communion with ground and sky, but especially so in the quietness and solitude of night, with the night sky and the stars. (I feel and hear all the spirits so clearly.) The aurora borealis was an extra something, for sure. Dance and movement opens you up to your surroundings in a way that physical stillness doesn't, and it raises your bodily energy level as well. It is so nice to do it out here, and not indoors. To some degree, physically speaking, I have not been able to evade the feeling of opening myself up to a ceiling even as I feel that I am opening myself up to the world, the universe, the collective and everything that is. It does feel like a block in energy and flow in this way. To dance under an open sky: it allows me to join in the communion of the elements in a different way and to have a different experience, one that I cannot have when I feel like I must be still or contain myself physically while outdoors. My body opens up more; I carry this feeling of having opened up energetically and in feeling and perceiving with me wherever I go. I had so often had this urge in the last 2 years or so, to express myself openly in public this way, and I supposed I never stopped feeling weird about it. There has been that thought in the back of my mind, even when I have been quite out of it, even just a little bit residually. But tonight, I stopped truly, deeply caring at all and feeling bound by self-consciousness and looking crazy or seeming weird. I just... don't care, even a little. (Though 1-2 am on a weekday isn't normally when you see people walking out and about in suburbia. The streets can be pretty empty even during the days. You tend to see people out and about the most when they're walking their dogs during the evenings anyway.) Have you ever thought about how architecture and the shaping of space can have profound, taken-for-granted effects on one's psyche, one's base sense and perception of self and experience, and one's mood? It is something that we ought to think about more, from my perspective. The book that originally really made me think about this more deeply, particularly the concept of what it means to dwell and to inhabit (and by extension: what does home mean?) was this book by Heidegger (Poetry, Language, Thought), which I read in my early 20s: And from there you might naturally ask yourself, how are spaces designed? What intentions and focus should we have in mind? What experience should we craft for those that dwell and pass through these spaces? What kind of experiences can potentially be created, and what should we aspire to create? I read my first book by Christopher Alexander (A Pattern Language) within the last week, and while there is so much that I could potentially comment on, one thought which has really stuck in my mind in the last couple days was this one: that we really ought to create spaces for people to dance in the street. He pointed out that people don't dance in the street anymore, but that in many cultures, people still do. He suggests a connection between this and this feeling of unmistakable aspect of human modernity (isolation and insularity), that we are stifled and distrusting meeting people in the streets. And for people who dance and celebrate openly in public, on the streets, they have not lost their connection to something essential and very human. He focused a little bit on the notion of having a designated space intended for musicians to play in the streets, and that there should be stalls for refreshment and space for all of these little humanizing details which from my perspective, can only come to be as a result of a designer's profound attentiveness and sensitivity. (For a few related examples: he also talks a lot about the human need for facilities such as cafes in public spaces, and various other humanizing features of urban and architectural house design. Another much-appreciated thought was the discussion of the profound psychoemotional impact that trees have on humans, and how it is essential that gardens and natural spaces be left wild, that they be allowed to express their intrinsic wildness without humans excessively imposing on them. As counter examples, he mentions overly curated and structured gardens as well as trees removed out of their natural context and placed without consideration into urbanity, and forced to conform to it in that way. This is when trees lose their profound impact; suburban trees may be a good example of this.) (Something which I found very interesting, which I pulled from wiki:) Anyway, this one photo was taken from Jericho Beach yesterday (not my picture; I didn't go anywhere out of the ordinary): Why dance and enjoy myself? It still somewhat stuns me that I made it this far in this life, that I am still alive. Honestly. Maybe it surprises me less so that I am capable of being happy and ultimately resolving whatever it is that I have had to resolve, as I have considered this to be only a matter of time, dedication, and thoroughness, and the proper use of my intelligence and perception, and acting universally to the best of my ability from moment to moment. But that I am still alive, feeling this way. That I have not died out of a sense of grief and hopelessness? Wow. Why dance? Why be happy? Why not? At some point now, I realize that I have to "choose" to be happy. I ought to shift. And why not now? Can I legibly do this now? Yes, I think so. Could I a year ago? Not quite so much. Despite everything that has happened and been, for whatever in me that still might feel ""negatively"" (HUGE QUOTES), I accept the messiness of life and my backstory as it has been, as it has shaped me, as I have known it, the perceived lack of love and being seen, however it is that I have been treated (and treated others) and the possible or unlikely unresolvability of whatever has been circumstantially, and to just... ...to choose to be happy, to be as if I am ideal in all ways already, if I am the best and most ethical, and most respect-worthy and favourite version of myself, to deliberately chose what to be what I love most about myself and in general. No one can take that away from me. And to have nothing to lose and to embrace that, I've always seen that as a positive, you know? Even though I don't know what comes next, if anything specific, if anything at all. And... that's alright. Especially right now.
  14. CHANGE: I accept that there very well may be no good reason to change from where I am especially, and that's why I "pray" (or "Will" in a specific way for change). And I do change, and I change quickly. And that's... alright. But this time, I do not fixate on choosing specifically what I will become nor am I wanting or bothering to anticipate what will come. (****Note: this is half true; it's mainly that I have had a lot of issues with consciously choosing up until this point, at least.) Dude... I've had enough of reaching both into the past and prospective futures. There is too much too account for manually; I do it in just a very general. I'm done with it. Then, just the general focus on shifting my attitude and resolving judgment/ blame here and there. And I wait.
  15. TDLR; I guess it remains to see if anyone actually does need me, especially in any way that was said or that I believed in previously. But the more time passes, the less I care at all anyway, in the pure sense of don't take any of this too personally. In that way, none of this all has anything to do with me personally, people's ideas or expectations about me, their hopes and desires in this way. This brings me back to full circle to where I was originally. I would not rely on anyone's sense of accountability or sense of morality/ ethical behaviour in relation or reaction to anything that's already been, for instance. Or capacity. My perspective here has already been firmly cemented. I would say that ship has sailed, but I think it's more like it never actually arrived in the first place. As in, there was no ship, and no extra love. Everything that was, that was it. Everything that could be received has been. Don't give people roles they can't fulfill, for example, especially if your well being depends on it, especially when it's obvious enough pre-emptively that they lack the pre-requisitve aptitude for understanding, empathy, or ability to take action, especially comes to something so essential where you just aren't seen, and probably can't be seen in certain ways. Maybe ever. For example: my own past trauma and relative frailty and vulnerability as I was, like just how much damage it is possible to do to me, how personally I will take things, and how much I would have done for someone who I believed was "for real". There is no ultimate virtue in this. It does no good for anyone to be this impractical in a sentimental sense. Better to be "dismissive" and cut things off, as is my natural tendency, and let people judge you how they may. Also, desperation is always a terrible motivator for action, for feeling, for love, or anything, really. (I used to think that it added a fun flavour in certain cases... maybe I haven't left this sentiment entirely still, but it is what it is now.) ... As for talking about the same damn thing way too much? Well, if I put things down, they're often right where I left them. To give something space and time, or to keep hammering it out, to what means and ends? It's at my discernment. It's also my time and energy to potentially waste.