modmyth

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About modmyth

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    Vancouver BC
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  1. @Artsu I used to keep journals like this in private, but I had found it therapeutic to write about it more publically here.
  2. LOA has a deadly fierce pull the past couple of days. Anything feels possible.
  3. Masturbate ... draw the energy up the spine.
  4. Again with this song: I thought I had gotten it right, you know. Or the closest thing I could manage then. The choices that you make in this way are character-defining, or pivotal moments, one way or another.
  5. LOVEFOOL// I can't even begin to articulate how terrified I have been about being left alone under certain conditions, of reaching out but just not being heard again and again, or having no legible way of being heard. Like being trapped in a giant box, mute. I try to talk but no one hears me, it seems. Nothing I say seems to have translatable coherence. Reality just moves on with or without me, with me floating through it, apparently often invisible. For being in a sort of trance or daze going through my days, doing the best to distract myself. I wanted to know what this feels like, apparently. After a certain point, you commit to your desires seriously whether you actually want to from moment to moment because reality is dragging you through it. To have deluded myself that someone could and would have been there for me, but to have known it was a delusion. .... I still have residual fear of what happens when I'm left alone for too long and my imagination/ projections start to fill in the gap, without accountability to reality in some way. My imaginations and desires are massively, monumentally powerful in that way. Heavens and hells have spawned in quick succession out of virtual nothingness. I have seen the way that emotional attachments and trauma has absolutely made it spin out of control. But I am reminded of the last few days of how terrified I have also been of the idea of some absolutely ideal reality, some ideal romance. Of what it represents. Of getting too attached to the prospect of it happening, and then the reality of it. And of the ways deflecting from the stark reality of it. I'm hardly without warwounds and scars here.
  6. Digging my heart out of my own chest. ....
  7. A piece of teenagehood, an aspect of life and music in the early 2000s. I am recalling it suddenly now, for reasons I'm not yet fully aware of. The perfect blend of melancholy-happy. Piece by piece I release Once was mine Now undone Turned blue like new Orleans And went down like A southern sun I still feel you Beneath my skin I am tempted To throw my senses in 'Cos it's easier to fly Than to face another night in southern sun And your love is all around Piece by piece I release Once was mine Now undone Turned blue like new Orleans And went down like A southern sun I still feel you Beneath my skin I am tempted To throw my senses in 'cos it's easier to fly Than to face another night in southern sun And your love is all around In the air to set me free You last like a song I'm deflated I am pieces on the wind Unrelated I still feel you Beneath my skin I am tempted To throw my senses in 'Cos it's easier to fly Than to face another night in southern sun And your love is all around In the air to set me free 'Cos it's easier to fly In the air to set me free 'Cos it's easier to fly In the air to set me free
  8. CLASSIC ERA YT: Questionable jokes and editing. Also, I definitely think the gaston that factors is more interesting than canon Gaston, haha. Also, her jokes on race. She's a local.
  9. High as fuck. That's all. Not on drugs.
  10. INFINITY MIRRORS: One thought or intention bounces between two people, or two aspects in the Self constantly until dissipating or integrating itself, whatever you want to call it. It's both terrifying and fascinating. No wonder we're all off-kilter or putting up barriers, or misaligned between aspects of ourselves (so these aspects are not mirroring in absolute openness directly), or between other people either. Same bag, absolutely all of it. Some people say you die in absolute way after it's all said and done. Do you?
  11. MYSTERY: Would you believe me if I told you that I also find you deeply mysterious? Would you believe how much time I spent thinking about you? Do you already know anyways, on some instinctive level? (I have had this underlying understanding for pretty much my whole life that we understand everything that there is to understand already, we're just not conscious of it yet. We haven't fully returned. And this is why we are presented with something that embodies truth, we see it... well usually, we feel it in our bodies, hearts, our guts first before our minds can recognize it. So the mind is really just playing catchup here.) Did you know that I started to think of myself and my thoughts in relation to you? Like my thoughts and intentions wrapped their way around you somehow it ways I couldn't fully consciously understand. That I felt like somehow I had to undo it all in order to be (semi) functional in my own life? Do you know how much time and energy I spent asking who and what we are? I looked for answers within. I become tongue-tied with wonder and frustration thinking about it. Like you always seemed to be more receptive and more aware of me, and that was a frustration because I developed constant doubts the reality of what you were actually dealing with. (Until it seemed like you weren't at all. And also, I am responsible for my own unawareness and the result of my unawareness.) Then I realized afterward, the tendency to project myself towards you must have had a whole lot of unintended consequences. More than I could possibly map. To this properly requires an inhumanly flawless awareness of cause and effect. So I very well may have gotten a taste of this last summer... Who are we? What are we? How did we come to be this way? What is our intrinsic relationship to each other? I was confident in the truth of that before last summer. So I thought. And then everything was challenged. I was also deluding myself about a number of things. As many people who are active on this forum might agree (because the notion of enlightenment has currency), delusion isn't just local, it's absolute. So you could be the most well-adapted human being on Earth and still be There's a lot I haven't spoken here directly. It's been some combination of not feeling it was the right time, that when it was the right time it would come out of me naturally. Still, I struggle with the words to describe a very different frame of reality. Now I understand that there tend to be multiple flaws in not living in the moment or being hyperpresent. Also, introspection, or generating perspective and understanding, sometimes comes at a very high price tag, with consequences that are impossible to foresee from certain vantage points. An addiction to understanding can often prove to be a person's undoing. I had read recently in the self-help classic, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, that interdependence (as opposed to dependence) is exponentially more difficult to achieve than independence. This involves creating win-win outcomes for people, which starts with having a win-win or inclusive mindset from the getgo. Instinctively, I know this to be true. In my perception and experience, there is a gulf between more absolute ideals, localized or circumstance-specific ideals, and reality as it presents it. To work out the relationships between all of these aspects, to order myself. For a better world too, for whatever it is that I can do with my own life. What we call an "IDEAL" in my own experience, having looked at it directly, it not a sort of static, unchanging, perfect thing in an inert conceptual sense. It's how we understand the platonic notion of "ideal" currently at all, really. And to be honest, if based on my own "past life" knowledge/ experience, this misses the complexity and potential of idealization. But what do you expect with a materialistic paradigm? Or this tendency to have the notion of different spheres of experience, the material, and the non-material still, but these aspects are not understood to interact, particularly (e.g. with different "levels" of idealization interacting or be interrelational).
  12. WHITE ON BLACK: So I just got this black sketch paper so I'm not inking every square inch of paper with india ink, which also changes the texture of the paper. White gel ink sticks to the black ink a bit differently than to paper.
  13. EMOTIONAL QUARINTINE: How do you not make war with your own sentimentality? But also stay alive and in one piece?
  14. MEH: I find myself wondering if untethered sentimentality is the most dangerous force in the whole world. And all the forms of sentimentality, not just feelings of love, but like, also how people tend to get attached to ideals or abstractions (which people may not often think of as sentimental, but consider the root attachment to it, or the why of getting attached). What else is there though, in terms of having a reason for doing anything? Also though, emotional suppression.
  15. I am extremely wary about the powers of my own imagination + the tendency to project forwards or backward in time. For good reason too. How many problems have been caused strictly for this reason? (Some might argue that you can't make a new problem on a psychological level without doing this one way or another). A very clear set of principles of over impulse. I just need to make sure it works in a symbiotic rather than in an oppressive and exclusionary way. REALITY: I should be wary of making connections where there aren't any intrinsically, or reading overly into reality as it presents itself. There is a reason to examine your strong emotional motivations and attachments very carefully. I've screwed myself over with this really badly and I don't intend to do it again. So without letting this become an exercise in cynicism either.... I won't. ***This attitude is the remnant of an internal conflict though. Note to self, don't frame it this way either. (It's important to have a relationship of trust with yourself and your own perceptions and your ability to make judgments. At a very deep level, especially if this is emotionally charge, IMO this leads to dissociative type conditions.)