modmyth

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  1. @remember I am admittedly pretty elitist in some ways, almost by nature (as in, it starts very early in childhood). Also a former child prodigy, for whatever that's worth, heh. That is my perspective, for what I look for and have looked for in myself, and what I look for in others. Yes, everyone is in a way creating for creation's sake... in varying degrees of consciousness and with varying degrees of intention (both in force and in purity). Your perspective is a populist perspective, and many people in this era feel this way. This is why things are the way they are... culturally, creatively, intellectually stagnant. We are still in a bureaucratic era rather than an innovative one. My values are more elitist and more geared towards excellence, in the way that (mostly) anyone can learn how to play basketball, few people can manage to play it professionally. Not just with the physical and psychoemotional qualities that they are inborn with, but the aforementioned values and personal qualities. However, I happen to think that mental and creative gifts are a bit more flexible (at least theoretically), in that you don't have intrinsic physical handicaps, at least. We are all limited by our learning and processing systems, it's just that some of us are functioning in VERY different ways and using different processes from the get go. Anyone, at least theoretically, can learn new ways of functioning. Whether it works out that way practically is another matter. I don't think this is very debatable, sorry.
  2. PURGE POST: very much required after the previous post. SHAQ + dumbass// worthwhile memes *His smile makes me laugh every time. ***relatively polite disapproval***
  3. HELL LOOKS LIKE THIS// INFINITY MIRRORS// An Anatomy of a Mental Breakdown: (seriously, I challenge you imagine a better hell, at least in the psychoemotional sense. At the very least A++++ for creativity.) Massive trigger warning if you're easily impacted reading about trauma; I would say it's definitely warranted because I am blunt and tired of obscuring myself. Two things to keep in mind, which helped me make sense of everything: 1) This experienced from the perspective of the heart, which from that perspective, the mind and its judgement has been an absolute tyrant to live with. 2) Psychoemotional issues, including everything that is unconscious, is animated by the power of universal flow energy hitting the crown in a rather terrifying way. This is one direct approach to clearing out all of your unconscious issues ASAP, but it's definitely not the easiest one. ***Technically, I faced everything that I was afraid to face, or didn't care to face. And it's all here. Like I give a fuck about being judged at this point. I offer this for interest, as a learning lesson for whatever there is to take away from this. And if you judge, turn that judgement back at yourself, and try to understand what it means, especially from an emotional perspective. I'm not telling you to feel one way or another, but rarely can we ourselves escape the judgement that we project towards others. It is the way that we are measuring the world, the "I" included. So if you are ok with that.... just be aware. Anyway, there is no need to stigmatize any of this, especially if you understand how it works. Stigma will not get ANY of us out of our collective psychoemotional issues. Just consider that I have elected to take on a rather large share of issues because I am first and foremost, very very capable. I can take something like this, figure out what it means in relation to other things, and then restore order. THE ANNIHILATION OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS + SHADOW ASPECTS: A list of things that I underwent (which may or may not be in order), over the course of about 2 1/2 months: 1) The start of it all: the feeling of being hit by lightening at the crown, the feeling of becoming and being 'god', and then watching these aspects of my psyche as it became more fragmented. Then being told when bad stuff happened, it's because I initiated this process to early, that my various aspects (represented by specific people) could not handle it, would try to stop this process from occurring. … (This was probably the most enjoyable part.) 2) ACCURATE: being told (if only very briefly) that this was happening because my heart (emotional state) was causing this all, and that I was very shitty at listening to my heart (this is at least, true). Having arguments and confusion with myself when trying to interrogate what my heart was. (Are you my higher self? My “twin soul”? Someone else?). 3) VOICES: trying to figure out the truth of things, and then watching everything being deliberately obscured, put beyond reach, or fragmented seemingly in response to this reaching. Multiple voices coming from different sources, with different timbres and qualities to it. (for example, some were silent and very hard to hear, some deafeningly loud, some “outside” my head and some “inside”, some completely unrelated to proximity with physical body in general.) 4) *MEGA INCEPTION MINDFUCK: Watching certain scenarios repeat and replay over and over again, with only slight variations, until something inside me shifted, whether I wanted to watch them or not. Then to watch these “universes” collapse into the void, to watch it sped up, often only to watch it boot itself up and start again. Sometimes, to be watching multiple scenarios from the outside (as if watching these scenarios play out separately at the same time inside a bubble or a screen of sorts). *To have all these scenarios and circumstances repeating ALL the time, and often I wouldn't even get a break even while I was sleeping. No way to shut it off. 5) LOVE: realizing that I was still deeply in love with someone that I tried to leave behind, because there's no future there right, so don't think about it, don't feel it? Experiencing that person's voice telling me that he was going to come to see me (Even though I knew perfectly logically yea... no. Impossible.), and would tell me to go meet him. And when he obviously didn't, that maybe it's because I didn't try hard enough. I messed up with (>insert reason here<) (????? You have to keep in mind, this IS actually how emotional logic works like at the core.) And then, hearing that voice tell me if I sorted out my issues, he would be there for me as I had hoped originally. Which I actually believed was possible at first because I wanted this emotionally, even if I did not believe the voice exactly. -a voice telling me to go kill myself multiple times, like literally, go jump off the railing and into the sea, while in proximity to said sea. (which didn't scare me overly, but was obviously unpleasant.) 6) SEXUAL ABUSE: This person's voice (representing the mind) telling me that I wasn't with him because I had too many problems. I had a scenario in my head where he watched me get raped (so I had to reexperience the whole thing in hypervivid detail). Then I had to reexperience him debating with me skeptically, well, did that even really ever happen, and then being questioned. And then me promptly realizing that it's really shitty to go through this process with yourself, as I did, and as it is often typical for those who have experienced this sort of trauma, to blame themselves. Or just derealization in general. The same thing with the other sexual abuse stuff, where it was like..everyone lied to you. It was actually >x< who did it, and then I would have obviously no way of verifying either way. 7) MARRIAGE: I watched the person that I … realized that apparently I loved more deeply than I would ever dare admit to myself, get married to someone else and yea (like in real life this happened, not in my head). I was so stunned that I couldn't even process it properly at the time, like WTF just happened, and I am still working through that right now. But I did get a little bit like (well, he saw this much about you, and then he realized that you suck. Your thoughts suck. Basically everything you do sucks and he found someone much better.) I felt like such a fucking idiot, haha. 8) BLAME: A voice telling me that everything and anything bad that ever happened to me was because I chose it (this is a belief that I've been deeply at conflict with my whole life, because I do believe this is true, that our “higher” selves or souls choose the kind of life we had, in order to have.) Being told that it was my fault that my life turned out the way it did, because I believed in “negative fate” and therefore some thing like negative LOA caused it to happen when it didn't necessarily have to be so. And also, because I like a challenge. Thanks. And when I argued with myself saying, this is what I believed in to survive, it would just loop back into the main point like... you chose this. You made it happen. 9) A WAR: a voice telling me that I was making things more difficult for myself, like I heard “I am not responsible for what happens in your mind/ thoughts” a lot. And the solution to that was to “watch my thoughts” and also “not watch my thoughts”. Neither action had any noticeable positive result. 10) ECHOES: being called a whore like 1000 times, until the effect did eventually wear off. Or various names in general. Like useless and worthless. And then me arguing with it, because like, insult me more creatively or something. The more I would argue with it, the more it would keep coming up. 11) MISIDENTIFICATION: being told that my heart was one personally (generally) and then my mind as another, and then hearing these aspects argue with each other endlessly as if they were people. Some of these conversations were really inane and stupid, and I would keep interjecting dialogue to make it more interesting to watch, which would then in turn... make it more distorted. Trying to merge with various energy centres (representing by another person (which was split off from me) trying to enter me, which did kind of feel like being raped, at times.) 12) MISIDENTIFICATION 2: watching this first split, split off into a large number of voices, basically everyone that I have gotten attached to in any meaningful sense, regardless of whether I had found it positive or negative. Then listening to the voices rotate and change constantly, as it deliberately trying to confuse me, or causing me to disidentify with the situation.) I learned to stop responding to this one pretty quickly. Waste of time. 13) ABREACTION: being told to do one thing and then another, in order to extract myself from various undesirable situations as created in my head. And then being blamed when it didn't worked, or just no response whatsoever. -Being told to say something like, “I've seen everything that I've needed to see here” while in heartspace, and then it not working, and then being told... “well, it's because you don't believe in yourself”. 14) FEARS/ TABOOS: pretty much every single fear and taboo thought, various violent and sexual thoughts (often both), sometimes involving people I know (emotional trigger point). Then being judged for it, like... this turns you on/ you like it, and that's why it keeps coming up? No, it really doesn't... but I would get uncomfortable because I felt like I was being watched/ judged in a social sense (ultimately this was an emotional thing not a logical thing, so I was perfectly aware that this “wasn't really happening”, but was seeing it and reacting to it emotionally as if it was entirely real. Just not logically/perceptively.). Usually it would be triggered by a negative mood or an agitation... which was pretty much constantly. I always felt at risk. The worse or more stressed I felt, the more certain thoughts would predictably come up. I learned how to.. not react at all after a certain point. 15) classical paranoia: that someone or some people were watching me do things I would rather not be watched doing. Being criticized and nitpicked at for my physical appearance, and various mundane way I did things, assorted idiosyncrasies. Then being told that my inability to respond in an unselfconscious manner is the reason why no one really loves me as a person, and why I am alone, and the person I realized that I still love doesn't love me back. 16) EARWORMS: honestly, I found this one both really irritating and funny: this tendency to associate certain keywords or phrases as they came up with certain songs, and then the songs would reverb and get stuck in my head constantly. Including songs that I really didn't like. 17) WANNA FIGHT?! being told that my confrontational attitude made it worse, and all evidence suggested this was true. Picking a fight with myself, because avoiding it didn't do anything. Once I reacted emotionally in any way or was hooked into it, a series of events would happen, probably unpleasant. So I might as well just do what I want while still observing. I picked a ton of fights with myself (I was also suggested to do this, because, it's the "direct approach", at least one them), and also cracked a lot of jokes which seemed hysterical at the time. And out of context, this just seems confusing. For example...there was someone in my head that I had an antagonistic relationship with (working out my resentment very directly), and I happened to be listening to TOOL, and the automatic association that was going on at the time, which I could not control, decided that I should call him “a hooker with a penis” (actual song) which I thought was the most hysterical thing at the time. And wherever this came up in my psychological space (something reminded me of him or it came up without provocation), I would hear, “hooker with a penis!”. I thought it was hilarious. There were a number of moments like this. I had the realization that probably nothing would be that funny after I left this space. Disappointing. 18) INFINITY MIRRORS: Oh yea, there was a massive amount of echoing, repeated scenarios and words and associations that start intense and completely vivid and real, and then eventually burned themselves out. Dissolved. 19) INFINITY MIRRORS 2: One of the only pieces of sound advice I received in that space was don't talk back to yourself (or any of the voices in your head), just watch, but I did anyway, because I wanted to see what it did and if asking questions and getting a response of any kind would help me understand the phenomenon more (coming from a very logical, inquisitorial sense, as if wanting to unravel a giant mystery that is the psyche itself). Sort of feeling like it was a once in a lifetime chance to examine things from this perspective. I know that I will never go back there again, because well.. it's purged. Decimated. It's impossible. 20) CROSS ASSOCIATIONS: Certain themes in my life were connected with various phrases, which I probably never would of consciously picked. For example, “Murder, She Wrote” came up a lot (which was some show from the 80s that would sometimes be playing when I was a tween/ teenager about an older woman who was a writer and also an amateur detective). These were sort of code phrases to indicate what sort of psychoemotional issue I was dealing at thematically from moment to moment. In this case, to indicate how I expected and felt like my life had just ended during this phase, but also at a different point during my life (when I was 14). ***Someone should make the most brilliant pomo novel about this. Maybe I should. ***retrospective judgement: I deserve a fucking medal for going through all of this and being able to function reasonably in a normal, daily sense (see one of my posts on the previous page). Also, I have a positive sense of myself, not in every sense. Like I am really hung up the romance/ love issue, and hung up on sorting it through one way or another because I cannot hold onto it. But... for everything else. Who shits on themselves after managing to go through a warzone? To survive and to do even better than just surviving? I don't. And if you've been through a war, you shouldn't either. ***There was, actually, a positive side to all of this.
  4. I've met maybe one person like this in an intellectual sense, who was actually an intellectual. Very very few people really being knowledge for knowledge sake, or creation for creation's sake. Or perhaps the drive is just not intense and pure enough for me to recognize it.
  5. @Jahmaine If you either start with and/or can figure out the means by which process and synthesize knowledge/ideas at a rapidly accelerated rate, then yes, in today's world, it's still possible. IMO possibly a complete overhaul might be needed to really accelerate this process... we need a breakdown of a lot of different elements of processing. And then the means needs to be reconstituted and relearned. Then a lot more will be possible that wasn't possible before. IMO everything else is a bit of a gimmick. Although, why do you want to be a polymath? Even the people who really managed it back in the day... it takes certain kind of qualities... it's not at its core, motivated by image, although intellectual and creative vanity can very much be part of it. I don't think it's enough to motivate anyone to deal with enormous quantities of processing. For example, a lot of prodigies start with certain qualities, as well as a blank slate. People usually just talk about the exceptional learning or creating capacities because people tend to be more interested on what's on the surface rather than how shit works. There is restlessness. Relentless curiosity. Aggression. Perfectionism. Grit. Almost this quality of turning yourself inside out and the intense pleasure mixing with what is discomfort (if not just sometimes pain) at being on the edge of your own limits. You have to ignore the way everyone around you does everything, otherwise you're going to get the results of other people. It's pretty hard to get a handle on this once you've already learned a certain way of learning and doing things. For anyone. I think these qualities or values are the most important thing. Theoretically pretty much anything else can be overlayed on top of it. But without the right motivations? ... Having learned how other people learn, I find it painful. Like squishing 100 pounds of toothpaste through the hole the size of a toothpaste tube. I would go insane. I don't have much patience for that, but I have patience for many other things. On the other hand, the way I process information naturally (like for example, no one taught me how to read or to learn), requires that I move FAST in order to do it properly, like transferring water from a colander into another container. The quicker and more absolutely focused I am, the closer it is to flawless. This must seem quite strange, I'm sure. But I've spent a lifetime adapting to the way other people learn and do things, and then a bit of time wiping the slate clean and going back to my old way of doing things, plus some new things. Is it practical?... Well it depends, what do you mean by practical? Can you channel it to your own benefit if you know how? Yes? What did you have in mind? I mean, double majoring in two completely different disciplines is a thing. You don't have to be fucking brilliant in order to do it. It just takes and extra year and not noodling around with your class choices, at least here.
  6. Talk Talk in general; this album makes me cry. I don't enough about them to really introduce them, but here's a few albums... ^ This album came out the year I was born.
  7. @Marc Schinkel Aww thanks. Really appreciate it.
  8. Now What? Last spring, I tried to build habits and a new life, and it just wasn't good enough. Too much unresolved shit. I was still very much asking myself, what is worth living for on a personal level? Too many tethers. And now, with the "subconscious" wiped relatively clean, what should I build? Impossible shit. Things not previously imagined before. I expect payment (or a return) for the life I've lived. And I will get it one way or another. ***Actually, I will go back over some of my journals here and make something out of what I said I would do, or just general points of interest.
  9. Sunday Morning Thoughts// Switching Gears *Judgment call: at what point do you realize that you're utterly wasting your time with a certain line of thought or introspection? Like staring meticulously into a mirror over and over looking for patterns and significance where there very is likely nothing there? *Infinity Mirrors: In the war between mind and heart, a man stands, has stood in the way. I have been observing the ways in which emotional attachment leads to direct identification. (Say, loving a certain person so much that you associate them with certain aspects of yourself, like your heart or your mind.). It's these patterns of identification which literally lead to restricted energy usage, or ability to access the powers of the heart and the mind. It keeps us moving perpetually like a self driving vehicle moving along a predetermined course. It's just that every time you do another lap, things change subtly, and if you make a decision or shift emotionally, it changes the “terms of usage”. We are doing this all the time with whatever we do, unless we are absolutely aware of all our actions and consequences of them (past and future). *I wish again to completely the destroy the image of everything that became before. Seems I always end up in this position. I am wiping it clean now. May all things and people be purged of their significance. May I finally start over. Burn all these tethers. The love that remains, it is. And.. what remains? *Let's just say that I have a mechanism in place which does not allow me to create a subconscious, or not for long. Anyway, now I have to adjust my behaviour and way of thinking even more and to stop microanalyzing myself in this particular way so much, because I am creating more issues by feeding it energy in the way that I am. But as I have said here... if you want understanding, it comes at a price. *Last Spring: trying to do this process while being segmented and numbed has been a disaster for me personally though, I ended up fragmenting myself more, in a way that.... how am I even going to explain what I happened? I will try. *HOME: A deep unconscious emotional imprint. How do you make a home, when in this life, you've never truly known one before? All this time, I had been receiving visions of home in my head. Or I've been trying to create new ones from scratch. But trying to get to the root of this utter alienation. If you can get deeply enough to purge such an emotional imprint, really what else do you have to destroy in the process? (And what if I say that I have wanted to anyway?) *HOME 2: Home has always been one of those things where... it's for other people. Not for me; but for people who had been dealt a better hand growing up. There are many layers where it's like: I couldn't make myself believe in it because I was too afraid to, I couldn't relate to in this life,. But I wanted it more than anything. The illusion of having someone who was, who could have been that home, slips between my fingers utterly. It took me so long to catch up. Why? *HOME 3: I am still reaching for it, this illusion and hope. And had been, subconsciously (before this summer). Why? I have taken this stance for most of my life, you could say it's because I'm cynical because of the way my life has gone... but I think it's simply practical. What does hope have to with reality as it is, or changing your reality? Why did I indulge in this? *HOME 4: Still, I will put the energy into it yet again. My subconscious has been purged, what's really holding me back besides myself and this insistence on feeding an attachment to someone who in the end, did not reciprocate? Or at the very least, did not realize that there was a very serious element to my desire? .... *Expecting vs. generating understanding: understanding is something you create and share with others, not something you expect to be given to you like a tithe. Walking around expecting other people to understand you just because you exist, to read you in the exact way you desire, is a waste of fucking time. And still, this is what I've wanted, isn't it? For someone to have seen and truly understood me. *Switching my means of narrative making, the stories I tell about my own life. The questions I have about myself. To be the person and do the work that I feel like I was born to do. I tried doing this.. last spring? Figured that I had to make something happen after he... walked away from me. The tethers clung to me and would not be removed. *Time to show the world my "good" side. But... will it be even more unrelatable than my "problematic" one? *He was wrong. He was inside me, and I let him back in too deeply. *Enjoy Your Life: And I cannot shake the feeling that he wants something from me. I can feel it in out there in the ether. And this alone is causing me to fight with myself. What does he even want? To be connected to me in some way still? To be connected to himself? A cushy life and having his place in the world now? I mean, I still think he deserves it, to be happy. But it has nothing to do with me. And I have to say this and mean it, and not dissociate from myself. In general. *Yea, I have this tendency to vacillate strongly from one extreme to another. It's called trying to break out of it, but also, to remember and reexperience the love as I felt it. *Forgive, but not to forget: I will not be replaced, either in public or privately. I give nothing to him, at least as it was before. No support for a number of choices. Unless he also destroys his life and remakes it, this will probably not change. Or at the very least, I feel like he truly understands what I went through. And I really never would expect him to. Should be fine now for both of us, right? Surely my presence can leave his life and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I say this in... a spirit of relatively little anger and resentment now. What is there left to expose? (I place my aim where I wish it to be.) I am DEAD serious. I have lost far too much. It's all or nothing with me. So if you had enough of "all", it's nothing. ***Polyester Bride: I don't actually like this song that much, but maybe that's the point. Thematically relevant. OKAY, this version is MUCH better// more to my taste. Sometimes I love raw and "unpolished". Relevant lyrically, heh.
  10. ULVER - This whole damn album, the cover itself (composition wise, look, every visual element is perfectly placed). This was my moody music of choice during my fallout with myself this summer. In a completely raw stripped down state psychically, music was absolutely INSANE in a good way. Like, one of the most vivid things I have ever experienced. Never experienced music like that before, to that intensity and ability to just notice and absorb raw details. Every song and all these details, and the spirit of it all... just felt like a complete universe in and of itself. I could ... kind of feel the soundwaves entering your body and spreading out everywhere from nothing (and back into nothing). In a complete state of raw openness, shit is really really beautiful. Like... it would be absolutely devastating, if you hadn't already been completely devastated, you know? Also, their recent synthpop album was pretty damn good. Not what you'd expect from a former metal band, but people change.
  11. @Annoynymous Yes, definitely. I was in a first year cohort program, which means that I took a lot of the same base classes with the same people,. A lot of people came straight out of highschool or after taking a gap year, and I felt like I came straight out of hell. It felt really hard to relate to other people my age, like socializing with people face to face didn't feel natural anymore, but I kept my space on purpose too. I didn't make a bunch of new friends and really get into higher achievement mode until maybe 2ish years had passed. I had to really push myself to change and get out of my shell by that point. I also felt like I completely left behind the person I was before though, by that point.
  12. Yea, Pink totally reminds me of being a tween.
  13. So I posted that video in the wrong thread. (((waves awkwardly))) ...keeping a dream journal is one of those things I have meant to do for years and years, and I've never managed it for more than a week. But never made a serious priority either.
  14. @Annoynymous Appreciating the appreciation. Holding it together under duress is one of my special talents, I guess. It was pretty conservative in some ways, like my parents were quite a bit stricter than that of my peers, in terms of who my parents would let me socialize with extracurricularly, and with how they would manage me and my brother's time, academics and what not (less so with me because I was prodigious with multiple "gifts", and self disciplined and what not). I was also raised in a secular household, so there was no religious element. Culturally, were my parents that strict in terms of what they would expose me to? Not very. Like my parents didn't at all care if I saw nudity. But my mom especially was more conservative about what she would let me wear, compared to my peers. The 2000s had some really questionable fashion trends though... (I guess like every era). My parents homeschooled me because I went from being a model student to like.... almost getting suspended, shoplifting, skipping school. But my grades were pretty decent anyway. Just not good enough for "someone who should be able to do better". I just entirely blew up with rage and impulsiveness around the age of 14, plus psychic gifts and what not. Their way of dealing with this was just to isolate me and keep an eye of me ALL the time. ***They were, however, really paranoid (from my perspective) about having me read "superstitious" material, which involved anything about divination, magick, etc., but apparently were ok with me reading religious material, because "culture" and what not. I didn't get it. It kind of offended me.
  15. (((This is placeholder.))) I managed to figure out what went wrong the last couple years (inside myself, anyway, as well as along the cycle of), energetically and identity wise, beyond what has happened to me, and how to correct it in the most major way, I think. And also, within the large time cycle of my life. This is probably the end of the war between my heart and my mind, or at least the beginning of the end (which shouldn't last long). Will be writing more about what I've learned, for sure. ***** Wooo it's a free for all now for unlocking the abilities of the higher mind & heart. Let's see how this goes now.