Mz Hyde

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  1. Leo constantly insists on focusing on one thing and that's why I thought I should make a choice, but now I see that it's possible to combine it all together. The way I find most meaningful in which I could help and have impact on people is definitely through some kind of psychotherapy. Personally, I feel the happiest when I can creatively express myself in some art form, but I don't really see a potential for some big contribution in that. That's why I think that maybe the best option for me would be integrative art therapy for which I was thrilled to find an education center in my city. Education lasts 4 years, so it will practically be like another university for me, but I think it would be very useful and super fun (considering my love for learning).
  2. @SLuxy I barely made it through my SDS session from excitment about the possibility that you suggested. Can't wait to share those updates!
  3. @Wilhelm44 Thank you for your feedback, I'll try that. That's a great idea! Choosing between these two areas is impossible to me. It never occurred to me that I could actually do both. Thank you very much, I will take this into serious consideration!
  4. I'm really struggling with making this decision. Ever since I was little I've been very passionate about all kind of artsy things. By the end of my teenage years I became very good at ethno singing, drawing realistic portraits and writing (I went to various competitions in all three areas and I had pretty good results). At that time I went to a tango workshop and not only did I like it very much, but the instructor also told me that I was very talented. In high school I became very interested in psychology and after graduation I started studying this field at university and I'm currently the best student in my department. I'm very passionate about personal development, I love both studying and practising it. Am I too scared to pursue some of these artsy stuff or have I simply outgrown them? I love all of these things, I'm also pretty good at them and I don't know how to choose just one. In any case I feel like I am betraying some part of myself... What do I do?
  5. Writer of this book is a psychotherapist, so it has a very good theoretical foundation because everything she is talking about is based on her experience with clients. The book explains how emotionally immature parents negatively affect their children, describes four main types of emotionally immature parents and assist you in identifying which type of parenting you may have had, helps you to uncover some toxic coping mechanisms that you adopted as a child and to let go of those old patterns, teaches you how to identify people who will treat you well and be emotionally safe and reliable in the future, so you can change your approach to new relationships etc. I know it's effective because I've read it two times and it helped me a lot. In fact all the things that I've wrote in past posts are mostly insights that i've got from this book. It was really worth my time and effort that I've put into it. I think every approach can be wise depending how you go about it.
  6. @Raptorsin7 I can't emphasize enough just how powerful the book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay C. Gibson is. I finished reading it for the second time few days ago and I highly recommend it. To get all the juice from it make sure you do all the exercises. It's very hard for kids to even see emotional immaturity in their parents, so I'm really glad that you do. It's the first step of healing. The process itself is very painful, but it's worth it. I hope that you will deal with it and if you ever need an ear feel free to write. 😊 PS. The reason I mostly stick to my journal is because I don't feel competent enough to give advice to people here and I don't want to interfere with some stupid comments.
  7. My attachment style is a combination of: 1. anxious-ambivalent (comes from my relationship with dad) that manifests in the beginning of a new relationship as mixed feelings towards that person - on one hand I care about them and want to help, but on the other hand I can't stand their 'weakness' 2. anxious-avoidant (comes from my relationship with mom) that manifests later on in the relationship when time for intimacy comes because it threatens to expose my vulnerable side which makes me defensive, so I start pushing that person (who's already clinging to me) away
  8. 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' As I've already said.. This is an amazing book by Lindsay C. Gibson that teaches how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-Involved parents. I would highly recommend it to everyone who's struggling with childhood trauma and neuroses of any kind. It has a very good theoretical foundation, a lot of examples and also exercises that can help you identify emotional immaturity in your parents, but also some toxic coping mechanisms that you adopted as a child. Hope it'll help you..
  9. After a deeper contamplation I finally figured it out. When I was a child I've adopted as a coping mechanism a role of a strong person who never shows vulnerable side, who is self-reliant and can do everything on her own (and does it perfectly), who is responsible, who is a leader, who is always there to hear out and help other (not so strong) people etc. In order to maintain this role I had to repress my emotions and to be constantly proving it (to others, but also to myself, because, for it to work, I had to believe it too - classical self-deception). Belief that I have to do everything on my own comes form fear of asking for help and that way showing my vulnerable side. I also made up a 'healing fantasy' that I'll get my emotional needs met if I put first and fulfill emotional needs of other people and that's why I'm so driven to help everyone. I believe that I'll be worthy of someone's love only if I'm always there to hear out, understand and help. In other words, I'm trying to heal my low self-esteem by acting out as a saviour, winning 'weak' people and that way creating codependent relatioship with them hoping it'll take away my loneliness and earn some love. I always had that 'someone' - a person that I'm helping and that relies on me, they were just changing over time, but that pattern always remained the same. It amazes me just how ridiculous I am...
  10. Lately I've been analysing common themes that explain negative motivation beneath some of my values and here are few things I've found out. Very early on I adopted this fear of being vulnerable and showing my emotional side. Along with that went insecurity in my own worth and because of that I've been self-proving in every situation. (I'm quite sure these 2 things come from trauma caused by my father's yelling). I've been working on this for some time now and I feel like I've made some progress (stopped repressing my emotions and instead become more mindful trying to fully embrace them; exposing my true self and not giving a shit about what will people think/say about me). I also have a belief that I have to do everything on my own, but I'm not sure if it's because I don't trust other people or it's maybe just another try of self-proving (or perhaps both). And lastly, I've always had that drive to go around helping others. I feel like it's kinda duty of mine. Again, I'm not sure if this is another try of self-proving and seeking recognition or it was a silent call for help - I'm helping others secretly hoping that someday someone will save me.. or maybe that way I was running away from loneliness idk... I'm not very clear abot latter 2 and I think that, to fully understand them, I need to find their cause too. So far I couldn't connect them to any specific situation from the past. I guess I'll have to dig deeper till I find out... even though I feel tired of all this shadow work. I know it'll pay off in the end..
  11. This is an amazing book by Lindsay C. Gibson that teaches how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-Involved parents. I would highly recommend it to everyone who's struggling with childhood trauma and neuroses of any kind. It has a very good theoretical foundation, a lot of examples and also exercises that can help you identify emotional immaturity in your parents, but also some toxic coping mechanisms that you adopted as a child. If you are in the middle of the process of healing from dysfunctional family like myself, know that you are not alone. Sending love your way... <3
  12. When I look at my life from bird's eyes view, the number one priority for me right now is escaping from the toxic enviroment that I'm currently living in because it's holding me back from creating life that I want. I decided to move out and start living in a dorm next semester, so all I have to do now is be patient until then. The next potentially limithing thing is my thinness (180cm, 53kg). I'm gonna need all the energy a can get to be able to do everything that needs to be done, so I should better gain some weight. I think the best approach to start would be to eat what I feel like eating and when I feel like eating. I should also start eating high-calorie food, drinking more water and exercise at least a little (I have resistance towards all of these things, but gently strict approach should do the trick). As I said in the post above, I need to shift my focus to something really meaningful in life, and what could be more meaningful than finding a life purpose!? I'm in the middle of life purpose course now. There's much work left, but it's going pretty well. I've found my top 10 values and first is authenticity. This discovery finally clarified what was going on for all these 7 or so years. It's like an alarm notifies me of a fire but, instead of paying attention to the fire, I'm trying to stop the alarm. Of course, the alarm is skin-picking and the fire is being out of integrity with my top value. I'm not 'allergic to toxic stage blue people'. Such an assumption just moves responsibility for my life from me to other people and puts me into victim mentality. In fact, my subconscious mind is trying to tell me that I'm not following my values, but I'm persistently turning it a deaf ear, so it had to scream crying out for attention. And even then I was only paying attention to its screams trying to stop them and not to what it was referring to. It would be helpful if I moved my common place book from OneNote to Obsidian, so that's the only 'big' thing besides lpc that I'll be doing by the end of this summer.
  13. I've been thinking about starting this new journal for a while now because my first journal My dermatillomania journey was so focused on just that one little area of my life that I've lost sight of the bigger picture. Here I want to reflect on my life in general, target areas that I should work on, create plan and strategy on how am I going to do so, track my progress, but also express any thoughts/ideas that are bothering me or that I feel are important. This is an open journal, so if anyone has any tip, similar experience, question or just a comment - feel free to participate. 'Welcome to the nightmare in my head, Say hello to something scary'
  14. I've decided to completely shift focus form this thing and rather concentrate on others, more important facets of my life. One of the reasons I've been constantly failing at stopping skin-picking is that I've been mostly focused on my weaknesses for more than a year now, nitpicking every little flaw of mine which, on the one hand, was a good thing that helped me fix many issues. But on the other hand, it made me pay attention just on the 'bad' sides of me which can be very demotivating, 'cause perfection is just a myth and no matter how long I'm fixing my imperfections there's still gonna be more (if dermatillomania taught me anything in life, it's this fact). So, I won't be deliberately working on dermatillomania for the time being. I have this feeling that if I only leave it alone for some time to 'rest' aside while continuing to work on myself, I will reach the point where it dissolves on its own.. that I will outgrow it to the point of it no longer being a problem. Past few days I've been focusing on my education and life purpose and guess what!? Picking decreased by itself, without me doing anything. I feel like now I've finally fully accepted it and I don't mind it anymore because my perspective on that changed. Instead of seeing it just as an unwanted 'bad' behaviour, I look at it as a way of my subconscious trying to tell me something important. Whole this situation I grew up in made me so disconnected from my intuition that now it has to yell for me to really hear it out. There's just one thing I need to keep reminding myself of, and it's: 'I already told you that falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem, becomes the problem If you don't believe you can find a way out you become the problem, become the problem'
  15. My naive attempt to quit picking, of course, failed again. I can't believe that I'm still making the same damn mistake. Dermatillomania is not just a bad habit like smoking, it's a COMPULSION - subconscious behaviour, nothing to do with conscious decisions. But! I'm still trying to deal with it using my biggest personal strength - will power, even though it simply doesn't work (and I know that very well!). Finished with exams and right after that visited my grandma. She lives in a small stage blue town. I barely made through those 10 days that I had to stay there. Been picking my skin every night for at least 30min. I was fully aware through every episode, but didn't wanted to stop the behaviour and instead decided to just watch. I finally got the answer WHY I'm doing that. Skin-picking episodes were always followed by that feeling of relief from all kind of stage blue toxicity. It was as though my brain said: "I'm done with inauthenticity (doing/saying what I don't really want and not doing/saying what I actually want), at least now I don't have to pretend and hold back - I'm gonna pick as much I want." Now when I look back on my picking it makes perfect sense - whenever I had an episode it was rebellion from stage blue toxicity that was forced onto me and it's the exact time that my picking started at the first place. It's like I have allergy to stage blue which manifests through picking. At least I've learned my lesson now... So next task for me - learning to deal with stage blue in healthier way.