non_nothing

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  1. It never gotten any better. Back again where I start always. Or worse more back. I don't know what I want from this life. I've tried everything to battle. I bet I tried everything you'll say as suggestion in this thread already. I hate myself. Never loved mysself. I have defeated in every aspect and every form in this life. Now this stresss I had for years started to take toll over my body physically. Now I suffer every kind of pain, neck pain, body pain, shoulder pain, headache. Days are always in pain. Far worse is being a man. Nobody cares about you. We're doomed to suffer then die. No friends no one says hi no nothing fuck, I seriously need to disappear from this world in an instant. Why do I even write this post? It won't change anything. "Yeah" "Sorry" "Try this" "That" "No" "Yes" "You're wrong" "You're right" Makes no fucking sense. Will just Keep my mind busy.
  2. just enabled youtube premium to get rid of these motherfuckers under every video. they are so annoying
  3. I will watch this thread since it reasonated with me very well. I had this since I am child. People around me and neighbors used to say this "You're really smart but you get bored so quick of stuff". To "OP": I had something going consistent like going to gym. Why: Because I liked it and all the struggle you receive at gym makes me feel excited. I feel good after exercising. I can't say I have anything else. Maybe meditation went for long like years but not consistent as this one.
  4. Now after this, I feel a bit relieved. I didn't strive forward for nihilistic after that conclusion. Just relieved and that's all.
  5. I now consider happyness is yet another delusion of ego. What is happiness really? I think that is a shadow casted by ego. To make one feel that happiness is somewhere out there. Then you seek for it. Which is this key point right here. You start to seek for it. Now it all begins at this key point. I have thought it a lot and i concluded that if I feel this unhappiness feeling within, thus everyone has that. My "imaginary" happy people out there have this too. Nobody can escape this feeling. I don't think so. Nor enlightenment or enlightened people. Whoever say the opposite, they are delusional.
  6. Fixing my wage slavery would help. But I am feel very unsafe about taking a leap towards quitting my job. Therefore thinking about this fact already establishes a lot suffering in my mind. This non vanishing stress of mine throughout the years have had damage over me. I cannot understand. I read again and again. Cannot make sense. I feel completely lost
  7. Just a few notes for myself Okay I will let go of every thought or opinion that I held against anybody. I foresee this has tremendous power when one become nobody for others. If there to point out the best of best one sentence in your whole post that would be this.
  8. Okay I will look for it
  9. Either I don't get this, OR, the enlightened people is delusional. There's for sure something that FEELS. It is not really important who really I am, whether I am thoughts, I am my feelings that come and go. It doesn't matter. The real absolute truth is that I feel the sadness, whatever word you want to call it, thought or sadness, there's for sure something that I feel that is unpleasant, therefore It exists. If I slit a razor on any of enlightened person's skin, won't s/he feel it? It doesn't prove that they don't feel it if they don't react to it. React is something different. Tell me how and I evaluate It turned out that I had watched those already.. I will watch these again I tried it a lot of time but it doesn't seem to progress where I live. They're not genuine people.
  10. I cannot solve this for quite a long time. Cannot find a way out of this. Years and years I am unsatisfied and unhappy. Every other act turns out not working towards good. I have no desire to pursue anything. I am perfectly fine with death. I don't seem to find anything that I want from this life. Everything looks like delusion and illusion. Every person looks delusional to me.
  11. Good point. It is somewhat vague on my side. I am unsure about this, part of me feels it, part of me rejects it.