kieranperez

Feeling It’s Too Late...

30 posts in this topic

I know “I’m only 23” but right now it feels like all the shit in my life is just hitting the fan and I just feel so absolutely demoralized about my future and like I’m not prepared enough internally/psychologically to turn things around. Still living at home with no real friends at this point at a dead end part time job with no support system at all but more importantly, no solid internal development, I just found out yesterday from my car insurance company raised my rates again for an accident that involved me getting t-boned from a guy blowing a stop sign and because the guy didn’t pick up the phone after I filed the claim on him to accept liability they actually dropped the claim, stopped pursuing him, and aren’t going to coverage about $5000 minimum if I’m lucky worth of damages. It just feels like my life is just in this melting pot and culmination mode of endless misery and hopelessness that’s destined for me and all the mistakes I’ve ever made are coming to haunt me and will to me being just another average person that accomplishes nothing. Where there’s no background of sense of self-acceptance, self-esteem, how I was never good enough to my parents and how they coddled me with giving me all the wrong forms of help when I was younger and how stupid I was bullshitting around. 

I struggle to be concrete on my life purpose through the course after taking it 3+ times because it’s so emotionally hard when you have so much fear about how you can’t subsist which leads to being motivated from this place of aggression and anger which is really more of a reaction from this deep sense of hurt. I just don’t know how I can get myself out of this. I grew up in a emotionally and psychologically unstable family where screaming and yelling and suicide threats by my mom and yelling about money was the norm at my house, I struggled in high school from ADHD and from struggling socially and emotionally from the toxic parenting I got at home so I didn’t get to even get to taste some sort of freedom in what would’ve been “the college experience”. I have a terrible relationship with the family I live with now (my Dad) because I’m treated like I just my mentally unstable mom and how I’m some loser that needs to work 80 hours a week. I have no friends to move out with or anything. I feel resistance to just apply for a job here in San Francisco, because 1. I can’t afford to live here, 2. I hate living here in this claustrophobic neurotic human zoo, 3. Working these jobs, I’m sometimes in the bathroom just in tears because I’m faced with ‘this all I can fucking do and I don’t know what I actually can do.’ Every time I get another job like this  (some low end job) I just get used to it and numb to it until I stop being numb to it and then I sabotage it by coming in late in stuff because deep down I’m reacting to how much I resent and despise hate with a very visceral hate how much I’m wasting my life in yet I keep getting caught in this catch 22. 

It feels like yes, life is a maze, this thing is fucking rigged against me to lose and go for fucking cheese, I don’t want cheese, I know the goal, but I’m not good enough in the achieve that goal and I can’t just ask 99.9999999% of people for help on this issue because they want cheese and I don’t want cheese. In yet, I’m not good enough nor prepared to get out of here.

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I feel you bro.

First of all: It's not your fault. Stop judging yourself.

Second: I know you don't want to hear this, but in the end nobody cares. Learned that lesson the hard way. But i've learned, that i don't care about others either. Ultimately all of us are alone. Everyone only cares about their own problems.

Finally: Being there for others without expecting something back helps a lot. I feel deep down in me, that i can't solve my own problems. They are way to hard, i tried to often and failed... yada yada yada.. But for me personally it was always extremely easy to help others. It feels like a piece of cake to solve the problems other people are extremely struggling with. You would be aghast if you would know with what kind of problems many people walking around for many years. Problems you could solve in minutes for them. That's the kind of things, you should look for. Be there for others and as soon as you can tell, you will have your dream-life without even knowing how the heck you've got there.

Edited by Sockrattes

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I understand where you are coming from. 

I'd also say that I don't think you give yourself enough credit, you're 23 and you are a solid contributor to Actualized forum. You understand a lot of these concepts, you are very intelligent. The fact that you are in the self actualization process and you are actually serious about it is absolutely HUGE in of itself. 

The only thing I can think about is maybe you just need to go on some sort of Hero's journey, you need to go through some sort of gauntlet, some sort of right of passage, to give you a foundation to stand on and move forward. Something where you can have a totally new experience about life, and where you can leave your family for some time. The Military would make sense if you were at Stage Blue, but I think your level of consciousness and development would not mesh well with the Military. What's stopping you from just leaving your house and joining a monastery/ashram for a few years?

Hope this helps

Unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life are not signs of mental illness, but of growing intelligence.

-Ken Wilber

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It's okay dude. I am 24 and I am not perfect either. There is still so much time. Self-actualization is legit the hardest thing one can do. It's pushing and challenging yourself. 

Every moment is a new moment, every day is a new day to live differently now.

I'd say your first goal should be to get yourself to feel empowered using affirmations, motivational books, and speeches. 

then figure out a way to reach financial freedom. so you have more control about your living situation. For now, decorate your room perhaps so it feels welcoming and positive for you. For example, I have a mandala tapestry hung on my wall with lights, along with a diffuser that helps me bring relaxation. Along with a good stretching and breathing session at least every other day. 

What is a skill that you would like to learn? that pays well. seriously..? plumbing, carpentry, electrician, maybe you'd like to be a personal trainer or a yoga teacher (a little harder to reach stable income)? construction workers can make over 100k/yr.

Or maybe you do want to go to college? It's possible with financial aid, scholarships, working on campus, an RA, or being a research assistant. And there are people out there who do want to help... yeah you'll meet miserable unhelpful people too tho.

It may sound difficult from a place of hopelessness, I think everyone on this forum has experienced that. but just begin, take that first step of looking at what vocational skill you can pursue and figure out concrete action plans, step by step. As you do them you will start to feel better and more confident.

Check out motivational audio CDs and audiobooks that can help motivate you! I think step one should be to get yourself to feel emotionally ready to pursue self-actualization. Use affirmations too!

I am reading a book called "Feel the fear... and do it anyways" I really recommend it in combating fear/anxiety and feeling empowered.

Be patient and be kind to yourself. 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Equanimitize said:

I understand where you are coming from. 

I'd also say that I don't think you give yourself enough credit, you're 23 and you are a solid contributor to Actualized forum. You understand a lot of these concepts, you are very intelligent. The fact that you are in the self actualization process and you are actually serious about it is absolutely HUGE in of itself. 

The only thing I can think about is maybe you just need to go on some sort of Hero's journey, you need to go through some sort of gauntlet, some sort of right of passage, to give you a foundation to stand on and move forward. Something where you can have a totally new experience about life, and where you can leave your family for some time. The Military would make sense if you were at Stage Blue, but I think your level of consciousness and development would not mesh well with the Military. What's stopping you from just leaving your house and joining a monastery/ashram for a few years?

Hope this helps

Unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life are not signs of mental illness, but of growing intelligence.

-Ken Wilber

Thanks man (and the other 2 of you). Yeah I’ve thought about it but at the same time, going to some monastery won’t solve most of my psychological issues. I also don’t wish to join some order and work their system. Most people who are part of Zen monasteries aren’t even enlightened at the no-self level. I don’t want to be just some cog in some pyramid. 

I do agree on some sort of rite of passage or something like that and also needing exposition to new things. I really want to travel and for myself see the caves of India, the Himalayas, go to remote places like in China and Nepal and Japan and really do something adventurous but 1. I don’t have the money, 2. I wouldn’t have anywhere to go when I come back (my Dad wouldn’t let me back in). Even then though, for what? 

 

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@kieranperez 23? You are still a baby. You've got plenty of time to iron all that out.

Have hope.

But get to work.


"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." -- Rumi

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Don't worry man, as long as you are on the right path, that's all that matters! Imagine how awesome your life will be in 5 years if you keep doing self-actualization.

Maybe you've been going at it too hard. Try to put a couple hundred a month aside, and use that money to travel. You can travel easily on a budget too, there are tons of resources on how to do it. I think it will give you a nice change in perspective and clear your mind from this everyday bullshit. And who knows, maybe by the time you get back, you'll find what you want to do in life.


"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

 

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@kieranperez  Its not too late. I am 72 years of age and am currently reading A Course in Miracles. I am about half way through the Text and am getting a lot from it.

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I know you don't want to hear this, but for someone who spends  a lot of his time study personal development you have missed  one of the most important lessons

SELF RESPONSIBILITY

 

Stop playing the victim. You are much better than that

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Why don't you design a strategic plan where you simply give yourself time to work at a shitty job for a determined amount of time with the only goal of saving money, and then figure things out. Working at a job you don't like probably won't be fun, but it will feel right because it'll be part of your plan. Then, with money in your bank account, you'll have some freedom to say, move out on your own and live out of your savings for a while until you get things figured out.

Figuring things out doesn't need to be starting your dream business right away or whatever, it can be to find yet another job you don't quite love, but by then you will have solved the first thing: getting out of the toxic environment you're in. After that, with some more stability, you can start integrating growth aspects, one by one... maybe finding some like-minded friends, maybe improving your career, maybe pursuing spiritual growth, it can be whatever, just don't overwhelm yourself.

You can do it one thing at a time.


"Es gibt die Wahrheit, mein Lieber! Aber die ,Lehre', die du begehrst [...], die gibt es nicht. Du sollst dich auch gar nicht nach einer vollkommenen Lehre sehnen, Freund, sondern nach Vervollkommnung deiner selbst."

- Herman Hesse, Das Glasperlenspiel

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this too shall pass. i notice that you get to these super lows and post to the forum. if you're like me, they'll pass by the next day. pick back up as soon as possible

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3 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Thanks man (and the other 2 of you). Yeah I’ve thought about it but at the same time, going to some monastery won’t solve most of my psychological issues. I also don’t wish to join some order and work their system. Most people who are part of Zen monasteries aren’t even enlightened at the no-self level. I don’t want to be just some cog in some pyramid. 

I do agree on some sort of rite of passage or something like that and also needing exposition to new things. I really want to travel and for myself see the caves of India, the Himalayas, go to remote places like in China and Nepal and Japan and really do something adventurous but 1. I don’t have the money, 2. I wouldn’t have anywhere to go when I come back (my Dad wouldn’t let me back in). Even then though, for what? 

 

You don't want to but you anyway are, you think you are nobody's slave in this society ? You think aren't already a cog ? By consciously yielding to an order or even directly a guru you just cut out the crowd of middle men that make you believe in the lie that you are independent in this society.

You are basically complaining about your impotency but when someone suggests you a solution that may help you to move on you suddenly want to be strong and independent.

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Bro I completely feel you. Right now your emotions are clouding you but like someone said “this too shall pass” I would find something to ground yourself in. A small routine to start off with that you can ground yourself in, do that for a few months and build on top of that. You are going to need a lot of patience too. Also if it feels like you are alone in this, trust me you are not. Just know that all of us are going through this. So have comfort in that fact. Some practical suggestions:

1) Try a life coach. I am working with Emerald right now and she helped me practically get through my toughest times. She charges a very affordable price too. 

2) Ground yourself in a small daily routine. Especially get out in nature. And baby steps. Just give your routine full involvement no matter how small it is. And don’t expect results, just give your routine your heart. 

3) If you are having trouble finding friends, do what I did. Go online and look for them, you can find communities and people in your area. Facebook is good for this. I personally have made a lot of my friends through tinder lol as weird as that sounds, but it works. 

4) For income, maybe you can do a business with quick cash turnover. Try looking into retail arbitrage. I did this too and it works. Basically you can go to big box stores, buy discounted items for like a dollar and sell it for 15 (example) on amazon. The reason its almost gauranteed is because you can see how well the item is doing before buying it at walmart (through the amazon app looking at amazon sales rank). People have built six figure incomes on this, and you don’t need much capital to start, and it can get u money fast. 

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also yeah you are probably in a victim mentality right now. But that is okay, you don’t have to judge yourself for that. We all fall into that. you’re emotions are just taking over right now. The victim mentality will pass in time. Just stick to your routine. 

I’d just be aware and mindful of your victim mentality, as best as you can

Edited by zunnyman

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I feel you. I've been there. I finished university when I was 24. By then I was totally broke. Broke and 40k in debt. I couldn't find any jobs with my art degree. i was so mediocre. I was doing full time internships with no pay, and paying for food with my credit card. I worked part time in school cafeterias. I lived in the corner of my sister's living room for two years. I was depressed, I couldn't afford hanging out with anyone. This lasted for around 3 years, right at the peak of my youthful energy. I am 32 now, and live aboard as professional artist. How? I just didn't give up. Just keep cracking at it, no matter what. It will work. Be patient, and cut of extra expenses out of your life. Your time is now. You can afford making mistakes and changing course. So do it. Experiment. It's alright if it doesn't work out at first. Change tactics. It's worth it at the end :)

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@kieranperez Dude, do not loose hope. Things will sort themselves out and you will find your way. I'm a few years older than you and a huge amount has changed for me in the past couple years. I took the LP course about 2.5 years ago and i've only now become much clearer about what it is I want to do, after so much confusion and doubt. I just kept the intention to figure it out and ultimately it worked. Don't think of your current job as useless or pointless. It's a small stepping stone and you're moving forward. You're taking some action and not just sitting on your ass!

Also consider getting a life or career coach to get a professional outside perspective on your life, even if its just for a few sessions. Life/career coaching can be extremely powerful and effective because it makes you think in completely new ways. And often it's not expensive at all. Leo's course is great of course, but nothing compares to talking to someone one on one and being held responsible/accountable. Definitely recommended. 

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