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I think one of my suicide attempts happened when my father died. I didn't get my period for like 3 months after my father's death. The stress of his death had blocked my period. Whenever I suffer deep stress, I lose my periods. So this was a very vulnerable time in my life. I was grieving his death. I remember fighting with my family. I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slashed my wrist.. I was bleeding from my wrist throughout the day and then my family came and put a plaster on my wrist to stop the bleeding. That was a major suicide attempt.

I just watched Biden's speech regarding the Kabul airport attacks today. I noticed he said the following: "We will not forgive. We will not forget. We will hunt you down and make you pay." I wasn't sure what to make of it from a spiral dynamics perspective. Is he regressing down the spiral, because of the emotion of the event? It sounds very stage red to me. Or is it a healthy and appropriate use of stage red in self-defence? I'm a Brit, so I won't know Joe Biden as well as many Americans, but I always thought of him as more compassionate and empathetic than that... Or maybe it would just be political suicide to say on live TV: "I forgive the terrorists".

"The list of governments, former government officials, and organizations in the region that have accused the US of supporting ISIS-K is expansive and includes the Russian government, the Iranian government, Syrian government media, Hezbollah, an Iraqi state-sponsored military outfit, and even former Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who called the group a “tool” of the United States as journalist Ben Norton recently noted, characterizing Karzai as “a former US puppet who later turned against the US, and knows many of its secrets.” So what exactly is ISIS-K and what is its history? After ISIS’s Afghanistan variant became a household name overnight following a suicide bombing at Kabul’s airport that killed more than 170 people and wounded more than 200, the group’s history demands renewed scrutiny." "CNN’s Clarissa Ward was even able to interview a “senior ISIS-K commander” two weeks before the attack who made these points. The “commander,” told CNN that the group was “lying low and waiting for its moment to strike.” While the US-backed government was still in power in Kabul, the ISIS-K “commander” told Ward that “it's no problem for him to get through checkpoints and come right into the capital.” He even let the CNN crew film his entrance into the city. In the absurd interview, CNN sat in a hotel room with the supposed ISIS-K leader and protected his identity. Ward asked him comically upfront questions like “are you interested, ultimately, in carrying out international attacks? In response to a question about their plans for expansion in Afghanistan following a US withdrawal, the “commander” said “instead of currently operating, we have turned to recruit only, to utilize the opportunity and to do our recruitment. But when the foreigners and people of the world leave Afghanistan, we can restart our operations.” "In short, the US knew an attack was coming, the attack happened, and then within 24 hours the US announced that they killed the perpetrator, saying “initial indications are that we killed the target.” "Researcher and commentator Hadi Nasrallah noted on Friday that the leader of the Middle East resistance group Hezbollah, “said that the US has been using helicopters to save ISIS terrorists from complete annihilation in Iraq and transporting them to Afghanistan to keep them as insurgents in Central Asia against Russia, China, and Iran.” Hezbollah is not the first player in the area to make the accusation of the US setting up a ratline via helicopter flights to Afghanistan for ISIS: Russia and Iran, which borders Afghanistan, have been for some time. As Hadi Nasrallah noted, Syra and Iraq have said more or less the same, with Syrian state media SANA saying in 2017 reporting that “US helicopters transported between 40 and 75 ISIS militants from Hasakah, North Syria to an ‘unknown area.’” As Hadi Nasrallah pointed out, “the same thing was reported for years in Iraq by the [Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces] along with reports that US helicopters dropped aid for ISIS.” Back in 2017 and 2018, Iranian and Russian officials had questions of their own. Chief of Iranian General Staff Major General Mohammad Hossein Baqeri accused the US of “relocating members of the Daesh (ISIS or ISIL) terrorist group to Afghanistan after their defeats in Iraq and Syria” in early February of 2018. “The Americans point to (the existence) of tensions in the southwest Asia region as an excuse for their presence in the region,” Major General Baqeri told reporters. Iran and Russia have “consistently allege[d]” that unmarked helicopters were flying into regions of Afghanistan where ISIS had a foothold. But as Javad Zarif pointed out in March 2018, “this time, it wasn't unmarked helicopters. They were American helicopters, taking Daesh out of Haska prison. Where did they take them? Now, we don't know where they took them, but we see the outcome. We see more and more violence in Pakistan, more and more violence in Afghanistan, taking a sectarian flavor.” In February 2018, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov implored the US to answer the question. “We still expecting from our American colleagues an answer to the repeatedly raised questions, questions that arose on the basis of public statements made by the leaders of some Afghan provinces, that unidentified helicopters, most likely helicopters to which NATO in one way or another is related, fly to the areas where the insurgents are based, and no one has been able to explain the reasons for these flights yet,” Lavrov said. “In general [the United States] tries to avoid answers to these legitimate questions.” Following Lavrov’s comments in 2018, General John Nicholson, the commander of NATO’s mission in Afghanistan, said that Russia was exaggerating the threat of ISIS in Afghanistan. “We see a narrative that's being used that grossly exaggerates the number of Isis [Islamic State group] fighters here," Gen. Nicholson told the BBC. "This narrative then is used as a justification for the Russians to legitimize the actions of the Taliban. This talking point was reinforced by Navy Captain Tom Groesbeck, the public affairs director of NATO’s Afghanistan mission, who said that US forces have “no evidence of any significant migration of IS-K foreign fighters. We see local fighters who switch allegiances to join ISIS for various reasons, but the Russian narrative grossly exaggerates the numbers of ISIS fighters that are in the country.” It appears that this week, the United States may be forced to eat its words. https://realalexrubi.substack.com/p/did-the-us-support-the-growth-of

I am in the process of building myself and my future. I am learning more about myself, cleaning up my shadow, becoming more responsible and grounded everyday. I often find myself fighting reality, wanting it to be different. I sometimes develop a deep anger at the way reality is designed. But, I also realize that had I seen reality more clearly since my youth and had the principles I am now aware of my life would be way better right now. That being said, I am putting in the work to set up a decent life and I have learned and uncovered a lot over the past 5 years, despite my many, many many failures and attempts at projects. I of course had many successes as well But, I also sense that because my main dream of being a musician just doesn't seem realistic anymore, I feel like dying. Everything else, though interesting feels like settling. I like my long term vision for though art, and I am making a lot of progress. But, existentially I wanted to make music for a living. But, I am so stupid and impulsive, and I lack strategy in my life I feel I have missed the boat. I am growing everyday, and I love my practices of studying, Qigong, journaling, meditation and reading self help books. I know if I keep doing this for the next 10-20 years I will have a great life built up. But, the fear of me putting all this work in and having things taken away from me, like they have in the past makes me feel scared, and I would rather just be nothing than face this fear anymore. Obviously addressing this fear is of utmost importance of my spiritual and personal development. But, I am just being open that I think about killing myself probably multiple times a week. I want life to be something that it isn't and until I accept that its this grindy, repetitive and scary thing where if you make a mistake you are fucked, idk. I don't trust God or reality given all the experiences I have had. It seems like life is so beautiful, but also so painful. I have discovered greater relaxation over the past months, and I am seeing my maturity, groundedness and mental health improve greatly. Yet, I am still wondering if it is worth it? When I see my failure to be the man I want to be, the partner, the student, the leader, the artist, the business person, the spiritual person I want to be... I feel a shame or disapointment in myself. I don't fully love or trust myself and I hate it. I obvisouly love myself and am fighting for a better future. I just need to hold on to brighter days. I mean, these days aren't so bad. But, I am just so scared of the future. I am scared of being delluded, being an asshole, harming others or disappointing people. I am scared of working a shitting 9-5, or being homeless, I am scared of being famous and successful. I would like to restart. I don't want to identify as being spiritual, good, moral, and expert etc. Because I am learning these types of people don't really exist and so much of what I thought people were or reality is, was illusion or cultural programming. I need to see myself as I am, but I feel like I am complex and have many aspects and layers to myself. Who am I to want to teach or lead others? Maybe in 5 years. I mean, I can still teach Qigong and share in my life experience with others. But, I am very imperfect. I am sure I wont commit suicide unless life gets really really bad. And, I think suicidal thoughts are me just wanting to really reconnect with source and transcend all this human painful behaviour. There is a lot of beauty in life and it is a miracle, and I enjoy my spiritual progress. Last night during Qigong I had a deep awakening in my heart for the first time. I know Qigong will continue to deepen as I practice and I am excited to share it with others. But, I am if anything a wounded healer who is on my path. I want life to be a beautiful joyful, safe experience where I spend time doing what I enjoy with people I love. Anything less than that is a waste of time. I am scared I am unlovable, or that I do not deserve love. I feel like the me that isn't held back by fears is powerful, energetic, smart, loving, creative, and inspiring because I've embodied this many times over the past year. But, I also have trauma, toxic shame, fears etc... And my psyche is still weak and lacks perspective and nuance. I run so many horror films in my mind about how the future will be. I am working to reprogram my mind. I want to be healthy, happy and developed and share that with others. To share in the journey of growing with others. But, I also would like to take a long rest. Seeing the brutal nature, the dysfunction of society and all the hypocrisy makes me want to die. I just want to sing, do yoga, Qigong, contemplate, read self help and share my journey and music and tools with others and find a way to monetize it. But, I need to be a person of integrity, honesty and maturity to make that a reality and I think that might take a few years. It only takes one mistake to lose everything in certain contexts... So brutal is God

I was in the same position 2 years ago. This sucks and it is the worst. I was sure I was having a Kundalini awakening. I was spending my days sleeping or going to the hospital as it was the only place where I somewhat felt safe to not do anything crazy. I loved life, but I was completely lost in my mind. I can say it now, but back then I had no idea. I thought I had brain cancer, then that I was becoming enlightened, etc. I also hated when people were positive.. saying to see a therapist, "fuck that shit". This feeling was following me everywhere I go.. and even in my sleep, the only place where I was 'fine'. I finally turned myself in for suicide at the hospital.. Anyway, here's what happened after and hopefully that may open up a new possibility -I learned about a process called 'releasing'. It was created by Lester Levenson, then taught by The Sedona Method. I personally learned it from the guys at 'Fearlessman'. -I suffered, suffered, went into long periods of complete madness. I would have to reach so deep just to find a tiny bit of hope. I read Eckhart tolle books, listen to mooji, kept releasing, and started feeling 0.01% better each day. And thats the shit about suffering; it has to happen so you wake up from the illusion. All your suffering, even if it seems real, is just a bunch of 'stories/pattern' in your subconscious. YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!!! Trust me, you are NOT those feelings/thoughts -That's when I went back to the root of Labelling meditation to over and over and over and over detach myself from the 'pain'. -Then 'releasing' started to work even more, improving 1% each day. The only thing I can tell you is, dont give up, keep trying stuff until something works (even if just a tiny bit), then keep searching, keep looking. If you can, surround yourself with friends. Get coaching, find people who will help you; they are out there!

@Ilan Don't take psychedelics, if you have side effects from antipsychotics, talk about it to the psychiatrist. Psychedelics can worsen your situation, and your not stable. Especially if you're not stable psychedelics are going to worsen psychosis and schizophrenia. Leo said it. If you have troubles with psyche, don't take psychedelics. If you want to talk about awakening, ask a teacher who is familiar with what you're going through. Every teacher is going to tell you;"Keep taking your medication and do this and that". No stupid things! No spiritual or physical suicide!

I don't want to live dangerously anymore. He is my King I don't want to cut myself or suicide anymore. I want to live for him. He is my eternal soulmate. He knows how I feel. I don't even need to say. I'm the luckiest girl in the universe I'm feeling blessed just by his presence. When he talks to me, my heart starts racing and pounding. I feel something something. He makes my heart go racing so badly Even when he looks into my journal, my heart skips a beat. He makes me feel so happy and so mysterious and special all at the same time. He makes me become lost in trance.

Don't even talk or think about suicide. Whenever that thought came up, just scratch it and replace with thoughts of abundance, lots of wealth, good food and love! Namaste!

@Marcel don't talk to that troll. By talking to them we give them fodder. I won't respond to him. You don't respond either. Simply report the troll and block from ignore list immediately. If he sends you a message, simply delete conversation. He wants my attention very desperately. All of his effort is to get my attention. Maybe he has jealousy issues or something else. He is certainly not happy that I'm happy. I can see that his psyche is determined to torture me on this forum. But he won't succeed. We both need to be extremely patient because he ain't going away that easily looking at his stubbornness and the rate at which he is doing this. Let him continue. Keep reporting. But don't read any of what he writes. Simply report and block or ignore immediately as soon as he posts. We continue talking to each other the way we used to and ignore this troll. It is the test of our patience and strength of character, not letting it impact will teach a lesson that nobody can harm us without our will. He is not even a big deal. There are far bigger problems in society and in life. I pity that he thinks he is a big shot doing this. He is thinking that doing all this will cause me suffering. But he is WRONG. I'm actually enjoying my life. So don't respond to him at all. We don't need to give him energy. Our energy belongs to us. Dealing with online trolls also needs skill and strategy that we both will eventually learn and it will only help us. Your patience is the antidote to such things. Be extremely patient and absolutely do not react and don't even get angry. Your anger is his victory. Your happiness is his defeat. I'm not at all angry. I'm not letting this person impact me at all. Btw I have dealt with bullies and trolls all my life, this is not the first time nor is this the last time. Trolls feed on the responses you give them. So don't give any response. Just look at him with pity and humor, alright! He needs our compassion, yet we shouldn't encourage his behavior and immediately report it. Don't waste your anger on such people. We have to act matured here and not lose ourselves or our goals in life because of trolls, bullies, abusers, stalkers, haters. They can't do anything more than what they believe they can. We being rattled over it only gives them more fuel and fodder to continue doing what they do and expand on it. So please ignore and keep that troll out of your head please. And be calm and happy for my sake! I was popular in school, I have dealt with haters all my life, I'm getting used to it. They can hate me all they want, but It doesn't stop me from progressing in life. One of my great objectives in life was to fight bullies and cyberbullying. I have seen people especially teens commit suicide and kill themselves because of harassment. In India, millions of people commit suicide every year because of bullying and harassment. This is a menace of our society and the only antidote is personal strength, bravery and resilience. You don't let them win. You win. I wish I could start an organization to put an end to bullying that happens in schools so there would be no more suicides. But my spirit is eternal. The eternal spirit will eventually bring justice and peace in this world, till then we gotta be strong and keep going. My goal is to always inspire humanity to be better, to do better collectively, and this is not for a pat on my back or accolade or some trophy or praise/compliment, I genuinely feel this world needs inspiration through courage and goodness. One day the Good will win, evil will be Defeated. I have always believed in this Christian principle. To me its not religious, it's spiritual. My psychic power is extremely strong. Even after my death, my psychic energy will continue to bless the world and show them hope and love. That's my internal strength and power that no troll or bully can steal from me. My eternal spirit will continue to bring peace and courage and comfort to those who feel defeated, those who feel powerless, those who feel victimised, those who feel upset or depressed. God has given enough grace. He has kept me alive for so long through my struggles. He will continue to keep me alive. The spirit of love and grace doesn't stop, doesn't give up God is love and love is God, is what I've known ever since I was a child. That is still the greatest teaching in my life and it will always be. Age old truths simply don't die out, they continue to stand the test of time and keep being proven right all over again even in modern times. Time doesn't beat truth. I have suffered so much in life, that makes me Empathetic to what people go through in life like suicide, depression, health issues, family issues, and the list is endless. The goal is to rise above it and continue to grow and never give up. Life is not just problems. There can be happy times as well. Focus on what good can be brought in every situation, no matter how small or tiny, if it is good, that's all that matters, we are not here to create success on this planet, but to heal and bring good and remove bad, in fact when we bring good, bad automatically vanishes. Always be the better person, take the higher road, take the higher ground. Nothing beats devilry better than we taking the Higher Road. All of the sickness suddenly disappears when we focus on Sunshine. So cheer up @Marcel and this troll can't take away our sunshine. You take care.

Can we all just admit how scary this whole thing is? Life is brutal. You make one mistake and everyone hates you and your life is over. All the success you build can be taken away in an instant with one bad decision. I am personally going to study suicide so if the time comes I know how to do it effectively. It's a profound balancing act, and it goes on and on and on and on... A decision you made 20 years ago is still in ways with you today. I get this whole thing is divine, love etc. But, it's also kind of sick and twisted. I want to be successful in my life, but living a life as a failure who everyone hates and demonizes... I won't stick around for that. I understand this response is fear based. I feel a lot of fear if I am honest in my life. If reality is infinity, I still don't feel satisfied with many of Leos explainations of love. I mean, obivously it's love but it's expression seems arbitrary.

I have suicidal thoughts because there are aspects of reality which are super shit, and I am still learning to accept them and course correct. I am eternal, and I don't need to stick around in some shit situation for the rest of my life. Obviously, putting in the work and growing through mistakes, emotional labour etc is ideal compared to suicide. But, If I find myself painted into a corner and there is no getting out of it. I'll take my chances.

A person cannot simply stop thinking about it. They need to be talked out of it. Time, compassion, patience and love can help with talking a person out of suicide. It's some work but someone got to do that work. Also being non judgemental about suicidal people goes a long way in healing them.

@Marcel You're so open minded. You challenge me whenever I ought to be challenged. I like how you take interest in things that I'm interested in. When I talk about politics, you correct me and tell me your views. I find it fascinating because I learn from you. Don't be hesitant or scared to argue with me. I am never offended when you dispute me on the forum. I'm good at debating and I'm very open minded to new opinions and ideas. So I won't be hurt or offended if you argue my views. In fact I feel good that you want to be eager to learn with me. I am never afraid of fights or arguments. I used to have endless arguments and fights with my ex boyfriends hahaha, but mostly in good spirit. I never fight in a bad spirit. If I ever fight in a bad spirit, your ass will be placed in boiling water I remember my ex saying I'm the most fiery woman he ever met. don't worry, I will mostly be very sweet with you, but you can never tell. If I get angry (which I often get ), my violent temper will be managed really well, you are already good at it. You pacify my fire. I'm a water sign. You're an earth sign. Whenever I'm angry, just say "calm down" and I'll instantly calm down. That's how easy it is. That's the code word. I'm like a lion during my anger outbursts but usually I'm as cool as a cucumber. I am usually sweet girly shy silent and very affectionate. I am never nosy. I keep to myself and remain mostly peaceful. But when I'm angry I can be quite hot tempered and give someone quite a hard time. I am not dominating at all. I don't like being dominant in a relationship. So I'm like a sleepy lion usually. Nothing provokes me usually. When I am angry I show my anger by throwing objects at a wall. I have broken many many objects. It's my way of showing anger. But I don't yell. Just throwing objects or cutting myself. I become suicidal or self destructive. I don't scream in anger. I don't like screaming. Just throwing objects in air or crashing objects on the wall. It's my way of showing aggression. But I remain silent even during my anger outbursts. I cry a lot. I usually cry when my trauma is triggered. I'm extremely introverted. So you have to be very sensitive to have a successful connection with me. Only when you are very deep with me, I can openly cry in your arms. Otherwise I tend to hide my tears. This is INTP behavior. If I cry I cry very badly and for long hours, it's almost like weeping and highly emotional. I had seizures as a child. Letting you know that I'm hyper emotional. My father died many years ago. My mother was abusive. My siblings were unsupportive. I had many cats growing up. I have a spiritual connection with cats. My mother sold those cats. So it was a painful experience losing my cats.. One of my cats died because my neighbor murdered the cat. That was when I was 14 years old. My father had a stroke when I was a child and he died later in my teens. I grew up around a narcissist mother and it impacted my self esteem. I felt unloved and uncared. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 15. I had numerous suicide attempts after that. I have a scar on my wrist where I tried cutting myself 2 months after my father's death. I was hospitalized because of that suicide attempt. I am an HSP - hyper sensitive person. I suffer PTSD So if you have to hold me then you need to hold me on the palm of your hand like this Bunny in strong hands... I definitely need loving firm hand to support me. I call it bunny in strong hands. This is an overall snapshot of my overall personality. Just so you know who you're dealing with. I'm not dangerous. I have never been violent. I take out my anger on objects

In my country i heard a new like this. On the start of corona pandemic a man got fever and thought was having corona and he want to save the village hence commited suicide

The Beatles & Hendrix were truly a blessing, pawed a way for others, like these guys for example, whose music you might like if you enjoy progressive/psychedelic rock. The guitarist/vocalist is pure talent. Probably the best finnish guitarist to date. Sadly, he committed suicide after only three albums.

Enlightenment is the only solution to true happiness. True happiness can only be achieved from a foundation of truth. All other forms of happiness are distortions of the ego mind. True happiness is not found in the many manifestations of form, nor is it found by abiding in the formless (yet abiding in formlessness is actually much more pleasurable than form, once the taste is acquired). True happiness is found in the simultaneous expansion and contraction of form and formlessness, birth and death, arising and passing, in breath and out breath. True happiness is neither perception, nor non perception, neither being nor non-being, neither everything nor nothing. True happiness is that great equilibrium that unifies all, that is one. Don’t mistake this for neutrality though. It is only by stepping into this emptiness can one be truly happy. So overall what is the point of this work? To become conscious of what you really are. Overall, what is the point of becoming conscious of what you really are? Lasting happiness. Overall, what is the point of lasting happiness? All beings naturally, and spontaneously move towards this type of satisfaction, yet from a place of ignorance hence why they are never satisfied. Even if you pretended happiness wasn’t what you were seeking, your actions say otherwise. We’re all always moving in an attempt to cope with our existential circumstance ie moving to find happiness in this world. We’re all already doing it, effortlessly, but failing spectacularly. We could never not chase happiness either. Even depression, self destructive behaviors, and suicide are forms of seeking happiness, it’s just much more obvious how these strategies are failing than if one is say, running a successful business and ‘happy’ with their work. Both examples are still suffering due to a fundamental ignorance. Samsara is not where ultimate happiness resides. Only you are.

@Person0 Start by understanding cruel is not a property of ‘the world’, but of thoughts, behaviors & actions of people in it. Then understand the ‘why’ people do what they do is ultimately love. This requires learning and expanding your mind & perspective, vs projecting onto ‘the world’, or continuing to see things the same way while it feels so discordant. What you might not be realizing is that if there is love & peace in this place, it gets here through you… and it changes everything. It makes life sweet, divine, and so much more than worthwhile. There are really no words which can convey just how much loving, understanding, accepting & forgiving can change ‘the world’ and your entire experience of it, and how this all starts with you. Just you, not you untangled with a past or future or others. It is within your power and your power alone to create suffering or not. Get all the help available to you obviously, but recognize you must make that choice to move from trauma & projection to understanding & liberation. There are millions of people passionate about helping you with where the water is, how to uncover it, etc, but no one can make you drink it. You have to want to. You have to choose to put how you feel well above what you think, others, a past, your life - everything. And I really mean what you think about anything and everything. Past, future, yourself, others, reality, God, Love. Life will not do. Death will not do. Suffering will not do. Only truth, love & understanding will do. Don’t attempt to hold perspectives of discord, and accept them. That’s not what acceptance is. Don’t accept the discord, the suffering - transcend it by owning it, taking responsibility for choosing perspectives of discord or alignment, recognizing it is not ‘the world’ which feels off - but your own views & perspectives. Please don’t use this comment to ‘add to the fire’, so to speak. Use it to start to Realize you must be pretty infinitely Good - because some perspectives just don’t jive with the Goodness you eternally are. Also, when you do make that choice, the Inner Kriya… all the stuff you learned from therapists which seemed like it didn’t help, totally helps. That choosing of well being changes everything, and all that stuff you learned is made new in love & understanding. It can not possibly be overstated - nothing needs to be added, things need to be let go. The truth, the true nature, you - are like a cork. When the self imposed weight upon is let go, you float, rise, feel & know the Goodness that you are, effortlessly. There are people specifically trained and uniquely compassionate who can help with suicidal thoughts… https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html https://www.suicidehotlines.net/international.html

Do you have any interest in Spiritual Awakening? This is dying and being able to come back, but with all the knowledge of who you really are, what is death, what is God, what is Love, what is Reality, etc. The cost of an Awakening is you have to have the courage to surrender to your *death. So in a way, being suicidal is a blessing for this. My loving of life prevents me from making this surrender to death. I guarantee you that if you had a full blown spiritual awakening experience, you would have a completely different view on life, and would have no desire whatsoever in comitting physical suicide. *To clarify, Death as in spiritual death when taking a high dose of a psychedelic like 5-MEO.

@Loba with me it feels like I'm constantly feeling a "Light". A buzzing light feeling. However, the light is almost wants to form a new ego, and it's extremely arrogant, and sees itself as not human. It can't generate much compassion for others, it instead looks down. So it might be a temporary alter ego, will have to see if it remains. What I want is for this light to strongly remain or become integrated in some way. It shows me very important things, in regards to strength of character as well The new ego wishes to talk and talk as well, prior to this, not so much. But I should go back to the contemplation and meditation gold mines when I can. Seems I was already in the dark maybe, but some light came along and just made the feast more spectacular -- Edit: So after meditating again, I had the kundalini ish phenomena of body jerking/shaking rising and rising, before exploding into silence. I imagined another voice inside my head briefly. Its my imagination rather than psychosis. The experience was more tame and shorter. Whatever the Lucifer or Light alter ego was, its faded for now, but not the sensations of it. Still some glow. I shed a few tears as I did a half hearted surrender of "it". Since all these things can and are happening in such a short span of time, from hereon in I'll try to get accustomed to this being the new normal. As opposed to panicking so much that I rush to others out of panic and guidance, and see every micro-occurrence within the day as worthy of lengthy elaboration. It is not worthy, but I can't help it when there's so much flux in such short time. I don't wish to internalise your ideology, but with the images and impressions, and perhaps added perspective I've had from recent experience, I'm pretty sure I've been working with "dark energy" for a while now. Many weeks and months. I just never labelled it that. The steps I've been taking, it's perhaps been to transition the ego and personality into something more dark. "I'll keep moving forward even if I find myself in hell" , that's what I tell myself anyway. "The choice has been between suicide or plunging into the dark". Since it is like that, I'm willing to become a demon if that is what's necessary. Whatever it takes, wherever I'm taken so long as it's not this I feel the dark now again, as opposed to lots of light, but traces of light remain It seems I use speech as a form of live action or way to explicit my mind, rather than using it to make factual statements or regular discourse. And it just spews out my mouth as something to do The words have been spoken, and I've laid myself bare. Speak anything you wish THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BEEN TRULY POSSESSED BY IS A SINGLE POINTED MADNESS TO PUSH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE USELESS ASIDE AND MARCH FORWARD OVER THE LITTER OF BURNING CORPSES THAT GET IN THE WAY

The heart is sad. As I posted in another place, the stuff we do to help our survival can end up hurting it and that can be a common theme - do something helpful and it causes pain and do something painful and it causes help.. it is counterintuitive. like we see we want to do stuff to aide our survival but then the choices we select actually hurt our survival in ways we didn't think about It can be helpful to try to look at the full repercussions to see what all we are doing is going to impact to see if the help is only temporary or long term and if/who/what that help ends up hurting. go for drugs and it is temporary help but then may have long term hurt go for a job with lots of money and it may help your bank account but hurt your heart and relationships; etc. we usually don't feel like suicide out of the blue - usually it is a combination of factors feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to I am sorry you are going through this. Lots of us are, myself included.

I should probably add (for those who haven't read about my stuff before) that I'm currently not suicidal. But sometimes I fantasize about making a sudden unplanned spontaneous suicide, but I think that the risk (chance) that I'll do it in the near future is low. @PepperBlossoms Thanks. @snowyowl Thanks.

@James12345 Well I'll have to see what I do with my life. These last few days have been very trippy. I'll have to see how this demonic/angelic energy changes me. I sense this is something to integrate, but something is pathological about it/me. "Every baby could get raped and it wouldn't matter". What got me to this point was "burning everything false" out of dissatisfaction, that's what got me "this far". Hate, scorn, pride and anger; this became my fuel to keep moving forward when in the depths of hell. Not even move forward, to survive and not commit suicide. There was nothing to rely on but myself. Pushing and pushing through with will. Now I'm just feeling strange about this all. I'm getting fed up of the overused vulgarity, it's just repetitive, but the idiom "caught with one's dick in one's hand" sprang to mind. [Likewise, I'm fed up with over used jargon like surrender or not resisting. If I use them one more time I'll vomit] Note that I'm writing this still in the short term whilst in the subtle afterglow of a crazy experience, only time will tell what I will really do with life. "For all I know, I'm at step 1"- no, I can't even remotely feign that. I have seen some shit, and I feel like my life will be changing directions. Honestly, it feels like maybe a part of me died. Will have to see

@asifarahim Did you get that information from Anime? No, divorce is not a sin there. It is only a sin in Christian, especially Catholic countries. Japanese would directly or indirectly murder themselves for the emperor (authority). That's why Japan has systemic problems such as karoshi (they literally work themselves to death for authority (their bosses)), suicide (they get very depressed after a lifetime of self-betrayal, for the sake of authority and society), and others. It's easy to understand why my ex-wife divorced me. It was because of her loyalty and devotion to authority (her mother). I didn't title this thread "Worst of Stage Blue" for nothing. No. But many Japanese have told me I look like them. And many of my countrymen have told me I look like a foreigner. I don't have mixed ethnicity. But I am very different from my countrymen, internally and externally.

I was quite emotionally numb about 7-8 years ago, it led to thoughts about suicide and other fun stuff. Don't let it slide! Do something about it! Therapy and counseling work to go through the reasons why you numb yourself. What protection mechanism is at play here? In my case, I numbed myself to feel less pain, but with total numbness, you can't feel joy either. A breakthrough I made with releasing my emotions fully was at Hoffman Process. Never was the same person again. Highly recommend it.

I have not watched the video yet, but I wanted to comment. Suicide is an unfortunate failure of the mind over the body. Not in some moralistic way, but in that we are all built with self-preservation and that even when life is difficult and painful we fight to stay alive. Sometimes we can be convinced that death is superior to life. Death is a part of life. It is the other side of the coin of life. It isn't something to shun or embrace. It just is, and when the time comes we will all encounter it. Trying to escape life just to be back with Unity with all and pure love misses the point of life. Most people who have had a near death experience have no fear of death or dying, but also realize that this life is why we are human. To experience this life, not prematurely move on. That being said, I am not against euthanasia or even suicide in some extreme situations. Terminal illness with no hope of recovery with debilitating pain and no quality of life. Sure, let me check out. But thinking I will somehow be better off dead just because I'm depressed or facing challenges in life? No.