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Anyone accusing me of running a suicide cult here will be banned. I am done entertaining your shameless crap. There is nothing black and white about my advice. So be very careful what you post here.

This is a video that I believe brings up valid issues with Actualized.org: This is my comment under the video: [I'm going to sound like an actualized (get it) internet soy brainwashed wojack by saying this, but Leo has had a big positive influence on my life personally. I'm going to try to justify some of his actions in this comment. First thing I should say is he is entirely unequipped to handle the problem of THREE PEOPLE committing suicide as a direct result of his videos. His whole attitude towards the topic is atrocious, and he absolutely needs to come up with a more effective means of preventing such events in the future, along with protocols to follow if suicide is a possibility for one of his followers. He changes what he says all the time about how life and spirituality works and whatnot but rarely acknowledges such contradictions in his videos. He also blames his followers for not accepting or understanding properly what he his saying which is absolutely the WRONG thing to do. He justifies this attitude by saying he is simply not tolerating people's ignorance but even if he is the all powerful enlightened master of the world, this is still an unwise approach. I also don't like his views on dating and the whole manosphere side of him. This is something that can be done away with I think. That being said, I am here to propose that not only are his teachings correct (when understood properly), they also have a huge potential for positive impact on the world, and already have helped many people. For me personally, it was his videos that got me OUT of the "athiest vs. theist" mentality that Thunderfoot pedals in his videos, which I watched a lot of. He gave me a new perspective on spirituality, religion, and a new way to think about life in general. He also instilled in me a very serious sense of open-mindedness and cognitive discipline (as I would call it). An ability to question beliefs of all kinds to a level that is not normally even thought possible among most people. I have taken a few doses of magic mushrooms at the inspiration of Leo and have had have had huge benefits (I will not go into the specifics). I did outside research on the affects of psychedelics on the human mind, potential negative effects, and was very careful while taking the doses to ensure nothing tragic would happen (which is a very real possibility if the right precautions are not taken, and is something I believe Leo should emphasize more). On the apparent pedophilia justification and mother fixation: Pedophilia is used as an example in his work because it is pretty much the most appalling topic he can think of. He uses this to try to back up the point that morality is human-centric and created by humans, and there is nothing universally objective about it. He does not make his assertion about the made-up nature of morals simply to justify pedophilia. He definitely was very rude and immature to Kevin, and I have no idea how he expects that behavior to convince more people of his own assertions. IDK what the pedophilia symbol thing is about though. I definitely hope he did not do that on purpose. If he is a pedophile that would make me very sad. The mother thing is also him using the topic of mothers to make one of his points. Most people hold their mother very near and dear to them in their hearts. He is encouraging people to question even their most sacred of beliefs in order to stop being attached to the ones the hold that are false and holding them back from further spiritual understanding. As far as the whole enlightenment, "I am god" thing is concerned, I would encourage anyone reading this to not instantly reject such statements merely because they are wacky and outrageous. Take the attitude of "It's probably false, but I'm going to try to at least understand what he is saying". It won't hurt to just consider new ideas, and you can always go back to the sane mainstream once you are done. For those who's lives have been negatively affected by Leo's teachings, I want to say that while they can be positive, he definitely is irresponsible giving such black and white, life altering statements to such a wide audience that could include children and people with mental illness. Especially the topic of psychedelics. That stuff is way more dangerous than he says. He needs to be much more responsible with his platform. He always says to take his teachings with skepticism and not accept them blindly, but he should have realized by now that this is not enough to prevent people ruining their lives using his ideas.] Let me know your guys' thoughts.

The suicide rates of trans people, should tell enough, how horrible they feel in our society currently. Yes there are some problems, for example with sports and women's bathrooms, but the focus should still be in acceptance and how we can make them feel better. We don't need to give More rights to one group of people that other have, but we still can make them feel .ore understood and accepted.

>I personally don't know if people really know what they are pursuing aka Truth. Wise points, both of them. Hope you don't mind if I comment on your message that was originally adressed to Yimpa ( : People are pursuing happiness/bliss/no more suffering. In my opinion by definition. Different projects, same motivation. You always follow something that you think will make you whole and end suffering. Or rather ending the cycle of being discontent from time to time (dukha=unsatisfactoriness, at least not totally permanent satisfying). >Maybe they'll become sad that Truth, Enlightenment and Awakening will not get you laid or rich. I can assure you that the really staying in your True Nature (not the preliminary one with Nonduality already happening but separate self still quite alive, the Nonduality-Identity, the "enlightened" "Person" . That is already awesome bliss-wise, but still has phases of being still grasping and not being fully there) will bring you what you want bliss-wise. For me, in the beginning it was like: Hey, you fooled yourself your whole life with every endeavour you thought would finally bring permanent bliss. Which at the end, it didn't. Not quite. But the strange thing was: It didn't end. The cycle of dis-satisfaction was broken. Just sitting there and doing nothing, watching a park, would completely suffice. A source of bliss within you, always accessible, just do the resting in your True Nature correctly. If you know how to contact & rest in it. I am happily married (which brings a lot of bliss), and also really can't complain on the financial side. But being rich will definitely not make you happy alone, no chance. It doesn't harm for sure (at least if you are not stupid), but doesn't and can't suffice. How could some arisings happening within you make you happy, when you don't know what You are? That is not the way the game is designed. It couldn't even be designed that way. Everbody is guided back home. How can some rich folks be excluded from that, in permanent bliss from just being rich. ( : Which is exactly what you can see happening: See all the celebrity-examples. Just doesn't suffice. Many even suicide, having tried all standard methods for bliss, and having had the privilege to try them all, and find them quite lacking: quite higher tendency for drugs & suicide than average. You need the True Thing (capital T) I know, some text lines & claims in a forum. But hey, its true. And even True. And you reading that, you already have That! You are already That! Never can not be That, never having not been That. ( : Maybe you just dont know what you really are, and how to access that. Maybe there are (1) clouds of mistaken identity, and (2) regular cycles of suffering/dis-satisfactoryness in the way. One day, this life or the next, "you" will find a way for the clouds to be seen through/blown away, and you will recognize that (1) and (2) have been the exactly same phenomenon and process happening within you, one causing the other, or rather: being the same process. Like in "couldn't be designed any different, but hey, what the heck of a magnificent ride". Then you will laugh at the greatest joke ever not told.... I wish you bon voyage on the journey back home. Water by the River

So, I just want to share some information and a disclaimer on myself. Though I consider myself relatively mental healthy I do sometimes feel strong negative emotions. During these down periods I sometimes have suicidal thoughts and I have expressed them here in the past. I want to issue a disclaimer that I do not condone suicide. I share real struggles I've dealt with since my youth. These types of thoughts somehow got wired into my brain through either my genes or my up bringing. I believe in honouring my life. Really, I share the negative thoughts because I want to be real and also share my progress as I go about healing these types of thought patterns. They are a trauma and a dysfunction I deal with. I think it's actually a whining sort of spiritual bypassing fantasy where I could completely replace what is with my fantasy of how I would like it. It's neurotic. I will improve in this regards and love myself more and be more kind. I will also do the things I need to do to get to where I want to go and just be patient and persistent. I believe in living my life to the fullest. Suicide is not something I will ever do. It is a thought I need to heal around through more consciousness, love and self reflection. I take my role as a mod seriously and part of that is being a leader around mental health. We need to keep ourselves healthy and treat each other well. Let's make this a place that promotes the highest quality mental health we can have and nothing less. Self Love is the most important thing. If you could be one thing, be well. It's okay to have ups and downs as long as we are working on our downs through regular self reflection. I am well. And if you are not feeling well right now just breath, take it easy. Being kind to what is. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. You continue to grow. Rest is important. I am working on always working from a place of inner wellness. That is home base. I am there more and more frequently as I improve my cognitive function through regularly journaling, self reflection, reading, direct experience, trial and error. It's a process of discovery, and it involves failure and ups and downs. But, I basically know that my number one goal is to love what is.

Leo said it was ego bullshit when I was suicidal when my friend killed himself. But threatened to kill himself and others Double standard much @Leo Gura How should we feed or respect Leo when he doesn't care if we suffer, die, call us stupid, idiots, retarded, threaten suicide, and murder. When i could make the same valid argument. And be INSTANTLY banned

I personally have been abused as a child, so when Leo threatens to hit you, kill himself, and kill you. I expect more, and Leo has also said there is no one else to teach. And that he is the most and only awake. Teaching on a relative level even becomes pointless. All the arguments Leo makes against us can simply be turned back. Unless you are Leo directly. There is NO Leo AWAKENING. So automatically Leo is already contradicting your own experience. @Inliytened1 so yes brute forcing people with threatening suicide and murder is foolish what needs to be see through is awakening vs leos own personality And I'm sure the open minded and hard working people don't appreciate coming on here. To be raged at by someone who claims to be more awake then them. When they had a bad day at work. People deserve more

I see no better place to document the transformation that forgiveness has allowed. All my life, I have been over protective. I was afraid and wanted to avoid trauma and being hurt. This over protection is what caused most of the suffering in my life because I was afraid and trying to avoid suffering. The only way for me to experience love would be to take off my armor and be vulnerable, but this was the last thing I wanted to do. I was protective in my family life when I avoided them by staying in my room. It didn't help that my older sister and mother had anger issues, nor did it help that there were episodes of domestic violence between mom and step dad who were drug addicts that stole my money. I was afraid of making any small mistake which would set them off, so I hid. I was protective in my school life. I was afraid of the other kids who were bullying me. In response, I isolated myself from the other kids, but this backfired. I became an easy target because I was alone. I needed to double check everything to make sure the other kids didn't steal from me or write fa* on my jacket. Instead of keeping my backpack by my side, I moved to keeping it under my feet. This over protection in school was reinforced through the sexually inappropriate behaviors of other kids. After what happened with my sister, I became very closed to sex and judgemental of sex, not because of sex itself, but because of the punishment associated with it. I saw the other kids as fools as they constantly got themselves in trouble with humping other kids, drawing penises on the walls, and other childish behaviors. I used to laugh with the other kids about all of this myself, but I had changed because I was afraid of punishment. Sexual harassment didn't help. There was one girl who grabbed my penis twice and another girl who followed me around trying to get me to have an orgy. I was immediately uncomfortable with any girl attempting to make me look or feel slutty. Deep down I wanted a relationship in which I could express my authentic feelings, but it seemed to me that it was not possible. I stayed closed. I have been protective in my hyper vigilance when it came to any selfish thought or impulse. I judged myself very harshly and didn't want to hurt others. This included the possibility of using autism as an excuse to get away with selfishness which scared me. It included making people uncomfortable with my weird behaviors no matter how hard I tried to be good. All of my judgements paralyzed me as I feared doing anything remotely wrong. This led to all kinds of "what if I do this?" The fear of not being able to control myself made me more protective as I created fears which didn't exist. I am prone to catastrophizing and coming up with scenarios that lead to suicidal thoughts. This includes the paralysis that I feel when attempting to approach a woman. I see millions of things that could go wrong because I don't trust myself to be a good person. My defense from strong negative emotions include repression, dissociation, and isolation. I have constantly wanted to remain separate from others as I lived in my own little bubble trying to be safe. In fact my over protection led to suicidal thoughts. I therefore tried to protect myself from over protection by being more protective for fear that I would kill myself, or cause harm to others. In truth the solution was to drop my armor, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I was ignorant and did not understand how to cope with all of my fears as I did my best to avoid trauma. This over protection is what traumatized me the most. In a way the possibility of suicide was comforting. I constantly felt like I was not in control of my life no matter how hard I tried. The ability to kill myself and eliminate all the suffering I didn't understand helped me to feel easier about my life. Suicidal thoughts are therefore a defense mechanism for strong negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, self hatred and others. There is a visualization I like to do in exercising forgiveness. I visualize the child who is acting over protective because he is afraid. He is ignorant and is struggling to cope with fear. Deep down he wants love, but struggles to love himself. He has several issues with depression and anxiety as he tries to protect himself from trauma while doing his best to be a good person. Although he tries to be a good person, he cannot help but fail and he blames himself harshly. He is afraid of his own selfishness and is unable to love himself, even though he tries to. all he wants is safety. I see the weakness and vulnerability in this child. I give him a hug as I tell him it's okay to be scared. I'm not mad at you. You are only trying to be good and you deserve to be loved. It makes me cry when I do this visualization, including now. This is the child who needs to be forgiven. Part of me still feels the need to be protective because I'm scared. I notice the tension in my back and shoulders dissolving, but then coming back. I don't want to be hurt, but in doing so I block out love. This makes me feel conflicted and unsure as to whether or not I should stop being protective because of my doubts and fears. I might need to ease into being less protective.

@Danioover9000 i don't know if there is advice to be given in my case. but simply put, people get selfish reasons to be turned against me evrywhere I go. this was not so in the past. you have these people who grew up moderately rich or quite lucky that occupy key positions in society. they are not religious or anything like that. totally immoral, but with a face of decency cause they have the power to make themselves appear like they are good. on the other hand, they have an enemy, me. with fale evidence, distorted claims of what happend, they go about, scheaming with others and making me appear like a devil or person who does not deserve to live in this world. they basically try to provocke me, i don't want to say it but also poison me (they can easily get people to give them recordings of the food i buy and then get someone to place something inside, they have access to my house so when i am gone they can enter, they stalk me and point out my mistakes and describe them wrongly so that others get false assumptions. their goal is to make me commit suicide, to leave me deprived of all men and money, to make sure i never achieve a higher or any kind of education for that matter, to basically hide he truth about themselves which i pretty much know in order to have it all. so yeah. their goal is to strip me of everything out of some sort of sadistic desire, anger or fear. i am not sure about why they hate me yet. but basically their goal is to prevent self actualization and make me appear either like a liar or fool if i start complaining about them to people and to then accusse me of malicious gossip for which i would have to pay dearly. they also want the stuff and perception of me to remain low and even lower so that i am not allowed to associate with anyone except from a place of powerlessness like a slave or pacient or prisoner. what else can i say, i don't know. i just can't do anything about it cause they are like my parents. they have that much control over my life. it is like the past just repeats itself and i know what went wrong in it to produce bad results, but now again i just have to put up with the beatings metaphorically and for real. physical and emotional abuse at the most sophisticated level i have ever seen.

Him: Why are you afraid to speak against them? Me: Because they will say that I lie, gossip, they will manipulate me more, it will hurt so much. They are so evil and they have it all. Him: I am sorry for your situation. It will be okay. You will basically be going together with many others dying around the world from similar reasons. People die. People die in war as well as when there is apparently no war. People commit suicide and no one knows why except those who made them do so. They just do and they can't explain it.

Me: You are a horrible God. What do you have to say for yourself? Him: I already told you, let me speak. Go find what you are seeking for and I'll do the best I can to help you and guide you to the right people. Me: I don't believe you. You are lying. I am afraid that you cannot do anything to protect me and you won't do anything actually. Cause you don't exist. You are limited to my body and you cannot control anything outside of that. You have a hard time controlling even my body. Him: What do you want me to say? I am sorry. If you don't like the world the way it is, the way I made it, you are free to leave any time you wish. Although maybe you might be prevented from leaving in the future if you stay a bit longer by people in order to make you suffer immensly. Me: Yeah, well, then it is better that I leave, isn't it? I want to give money to this site, I want it to grow and become famous around the world. But me giving my money to it before suicide might just leave it in a worse state. What do you suggest I do with the money? Him: Ask about charities on the forum. Ask about that. I just have to tell you that if you left your parents other people would come after you to make sure that you have no option but to return home to them and then you will again feel this way. Come to me and everything will be fine. Me: Yes, I know that. Thank you for reminding me. This world is not mine and I am too sick to fight for my rights. They took the world and everything in it. All the knowledge and wealth is theirs, now all they have to do is take care of their enemies and I am one of their enemies. I wish you avenged me, but you can't if you are gone after I die. Him: You'll be fine. Don't worry about that. Everything is gonna be fine. They won't go unpunished. Karma has its ways. Me: But I don't believe in Karma and this stuff. Reincarnation is a fairytale. Him: Where do you want to go in your next life? It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you'll either be sleeping or going somewhere else. Me: Hmm... I, I want to go exactly where I am now! Just in such good circumstances that I don't have to leave.

As someone with many years on the spiritual path I will wish to remind you that focusing too much time/energy on the 3rd eye will leave you ungrounded and unbalanced and unable to integrate. Focus on your Heart chakra, Root chakra and Crown chakra. The rest will balance. I met far too many people 'all over the place' because they forced energy only on the third eye, especially substance abusers. Many turn depressed and cannot make sense of reality anymore, some end up suicide or in mental institutes. This is why there is Master(guru) and student(disciple).

@Fadious It keeps showing up in these situations because life (parents and caretakers, siblings, "friends") conditioned you since childhood and teenage years to act that way. It's usually a deeply imbedded pattern which is hard to redirect even when you are conscious during these situations. it can also be anger towards yourself because you go over your own boundaries by (seemingly) allowing people to do as they please. When starting out on the journey of expressing repressed emotions, watch out for feeling overly chaotic inside and feeling that these emotions are too much for you. Perhaps even thoughts of self-harm and suicide can come up in order to avoid feeling these repressed emotions. That shows that the steps taken towards expression were too big. Make tiny steps. They will suffice for processing and you feeling free after some emotional work.

If you're seriously contemplating suicide, as @r0ckyreed said seek professional help. You aren't seeing clearly. Yes there are rare exceptions, for example euthanasia for people in extraordinary and inescapable pain. But the vast majority of suicides are people seeking escape from the demons of their mind, in the mistaken belief that their demons can't be dissolved. You created this form and its existence for a reason. Instead of tossing it aside, dive into it and realize the absolute love within that created this form in the first place.

Please call 988 if you are in the United States. Speak to an Existential Therapist for professional support. Suicide isn’t going to solve any problems for you. You need to focus on solving the Matrix. It can be done. There is hope. Focus on your awakening and your basic needs.

Like if I sit at a beautiful tropical beach and meditate myself to death will that be the same as shooting myself in the head? honestly life on earth Is made for animals I don’t belong here lol. I just can’t handle I gotta do this properly if I’ll do it this is like my 10th post about suicide, sorry if it’s getting too repetitive. I’m just really trying to decide here

Stage blue choosing suicide over facing the transformational dilemma (Javert from Les Misérables)

Oh God. I just realized we'll have a thread like this on this forum every week for the rest of my life. Now I understand suicide.

@Leo Gura Well, that's true we do have a high suicide and suffer a lot from self hatred. The difference is the hatred is more internalised than external. Take a look at this way, the right has pushing this anti-trans narrative for years now, calling us groomers and all sorts of nasty things I won't repeat here. When you see public figures and celebrities jumping on the bandwagon, exaggerating how "woke" and "snowflakey" we are and you see politicians pushing forward laws that intend to push us away from public life, on top of that you already have gender dysphoria and may have family or friends that disowned you for being transgender, of course you're start hating yourself.

Even though you often talk about that everything is relative, you don't live up to that nihilistic notion, because you would be already dead . In order for you to survive, you have to have a hierarchical valuesystem, where your survival is somewhat up there alongside with other things. Having meaning and values in your life is an essential and a core part of your survival. So, yes, you do follow certain set of rules and values and yes you will necessarily follow something that is up at the highest level is your valuesystem and you can't and won't espace that. You don't just do random shit to achieve what you want to achieve, you do a specific set of practices to get there and you have beliefs about which ones are more effective and which ones are not. This is the thing you guys always forget with the constant "I don't have rules and beliefs" is that you will necessarily follow some patterns and practices regardless if you acknowledge it or realise it or not; and you will act accordingly. The problem is that if you don't have a religion you will have to reinvent the wheel (all the elements that religion gives - that are part and necessary elements of your survival) in an often times unconcious manner and chaotic way. The maximum you can say is that your system is somewhat dynamic (you will excluide and include certain things in your system), but even that dynamic element has some patterns to it and you don't just use randomness when it comes to exclusion and inclusion. In the relative world its not all relative, and we can use empirical data and science to massively help your realize which path will fit you better. You can set a up a system (that can be dynamic and forever evolving) that can help you with the choosing process accordingly all the known stuff and empirical data at that particular time. Yes doing this algorithmic process is limited, but as I said you will follow your own algorithmic process anyway, that will be often times unconscious and chaotic asf, filled with a bunch of assumptions. Your example is also not necessarily applicaple this time, because what we are talking about is much more essential and necessary than just education. Its like if you would say "there are people who need water and there are people who don't" - no, people do need water in order to survive. With the integration of statistics and science we could literally demonstrate which values will lead to a more fulfilling life and which ones will lead you to suicide and depression and to other bad stuff. Pretending that all values will lead to an equally happy, effective, and fulfilling life or to God, would be ignorant ( so this "everthing is relative" bullshit needs to fly out the window in the context of this conversation). If you would have a system where only your feelings would dictate everything , you would probably be dead or in prison right now. You can have a system, where your feelings are integrated and have a very special place and a specific purpose. Thats where the integration of science and empirical data comes in. You can set up a constantly evolving dynamic system and track what the most common dynamics, practices are, that are often times necessary for Awakening. There are general patterns to everything, and first trying those general practices (that statiscally lead most people to Awakening) is much better than you being forced to do and try all shit on your own, with your limited time and money. When you make a critique, you automatically have to recognise whats the alternative that you argue for --> Doing shit randomly or what? If we recognize that God is the highest value, then we have to make it somewhat tangible (and btw we all do this, including Leo, because looking at all the fucking threads made about awakening, he clearly made distinctions between awakening to God and other types of awakening) - so we might as well do the "making of the highest value tangible" in a collective, conscious way. So here is a process. 1) Recognition/acceptance of a common highest value 2) Defining that highest common value in a tangible way, in order to be able to measure if you are moving towards or moving away from that value. You will do both of these steps regardless if you have religion or not. You will define a highest value for your own self, and you will try to make it tangible, because you will want to measure if you are going towards it or going away from it. Now, once both of those things are established, we can start the measuring process and the exclusion process (excluding things that doesn't lead to that highest value)

Because I had this inner feeling that was pushing me on high doses. It has nothing to do with ego, it's pure curiosity. I guess I have it in order not to fall asleep forever. On the other hand, I'm also dump :)) I thought that I'm an expert in tripping on shrooms. I was wrong. I also thought I had reached the highest possible states on 5MeO-Mdt. Again, I was wrong. 10 - 15 minutes after taking shrooms. I had this gut feeling that something big is about to happen. "I've got God's balls this time" - I was thinking to myself. I was excited to see what happens. The rest of the trip (6+ hours). I was laying on my bed with my eyes closed. I was seeing some colours and shapes and I was trying to zoom into them as much as possible. And then I realized I'm God and I'm good by my nature. I started crying and wimping because I had always thought I'm really bad and not right! And the next moment my realization that I'm God became even deeper. "Oh fuck no-no-no" I was saying opening my eyes. I was seeing the same "objects", but this time there was no object. It was something I didn't know exactly what. Paradoxically I knew that I was constructing my experience, but at the same time I didn't have control over it. Then I realized what god actually is and what is awakening. It was happening to me because of me but I didn't know how! This freaked me out so fucking much. I put my earbuds and started listening to music. Next moment I realized that I'm listening to music in order to stop my awakening. At the same time the first waive of an extreme limitless and painful euphoria filled me up. The problem was I didn't have my body!!! So infinite love was filling me in and out erasing more and more of my possible boundaries. l realized I don't have boundaries and whatever I see it's just me. The difference between "inside" me and the "outside" was one - I had self-awareness and self-consciousness. First paradox - everything is consciousness but there's only one conscious being - me. I almost shit myself when I realized it. I was like "Ohhh! Fuck!!!". As I was dressing up, another infinite cycle of painful euphoria was hitting me. I lay down on my bed saying "okay, I'm just gonna accept it". But I couldn't, because I didn't have control over these waves. At that point a new type of wave crushed on me - panic. I was thinking "Oh fucking shit, oh fuck what am I gonna do". I was ready to commit suicide but I knew that I'm already dead. I guess that's where I entered the hell because I realized that I have a really high chances of not being able to fall myself asleep again. I begun telling myself “It will stop, just go outside!". From time to time I was looking on my watch and experiencing no time and eternity every minute (paradox, huh?) . I also noticed that whatever is happening just seems happening, nothing actually is going on. Everything is static although appears changing. I finished dressing up and went "outside". Again, it didn't change anything because it was the same me everywhere and nowhere at the same time. So there I was walking under the rain trying to fool myself that I'm not god and I'm about to get to fall asleep, but of fucking course I was conscious of lying to myself. Also infinite waves of infinite love were literally torturing me. I was tortured by infinite love. It didn’t matter how hard I was trying to accept it I just couldn’t. I entered the bus and took a seat. I realized even deeper that all boundaries are illusion and I’m everywhere in a form of everything. I started praying to myself to fall asleep. “Please I want to sleep, please…!” I couldn’t. “Okay” I told myself “I’m accepting this”. I couldn’t do that either because accepting the possibility of loosing my ability to sleep was too much of an ask for me. I realized that that’s my deepest fear and now it’s fucking reality! Awakening isn’t a pleasant and vanilla like experience. It’s a true fucking hell! See, I experienced something like that on 5MeO-DMT, but less intensely and only for 10 minutes or so. This time hours were passing by but all was the same. I was absolutely awake for eternity. I wanted to cry or to scream or to ask for help but I was too conscious for having otherness anymore. My game had collapsed. “Fuck, what have I done!!!” – I was thinking to myself. “What am I gonna do?”. Then I realized that doing is just illusion and only being is the truth. Since being means eternity, it scared me even deeper. The question was “Now what?”. I was seeing these things (that used to be other humans for me) knowing that these things are/is myself. I thought that I did something I couldn’t change – I woke up and lost my ability to sleep. Funny enough I was thinking “Maybe I could imagine Leo being more awake than I am” so I texted Leo lol. I was walking around shopping molls trying to convince myself that I’m going to “sleep soon” but it wasn’t really successful. So, I had to give up. At some point I really and deeply accept it. That’s where I begun to constructing my dream again. Thanks god (myself) that I have this amazing ability – to sleep .

It’s truly amazing how the deeper you get into this work, the more frequent you’ll experience awakenings. Even the very subtle awakenings are becoming a beauty to bask in. As I’m typing this comment, I’m experiencing increased awareness and connection to others (who are me, of course). This experience, just half a year ago, would have made me call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. And I’ve only begun to scratch the surface! Life is beautiful.

Thank you. This self Suffered many and most years in early childhood with traumatizing beatings and molestations and everything that was shitty, by several parents/steps, family members, ran way cross country at 14 into many other various ugly traumatic chapters in L.A. I had to crawl and claw out of it. I never once seriously considered suicide - I knew there was a better life to be had and I was going to have that! Educating myself with some skills, lived it some shitty gang infested places, VERY driven and nothing could ever stop me!! Being a slender cute blonde, I got a job in a rat infested all male warehouse and studied hard every night on better things. Strived into a successful career. Along side all that I did inner work best I new how at the time. I got a little black notebook and started collecting meaningful life quotes. I busted ass big time in career chapters and retired super duper early, with several properties in a couple countries even. Then I was able to dive even deeper, deeper still, 24/7 for several years … I wanted the gold … the Truth! Studying every philosophy, psychology, ancient guru to modern theory and freakin beyond. Your work is a huge part of the journey and the gratefulness is beyond expansive!!!! The world experience can really suck and one human’s nightmare can be another human’s lazy easy day for sure and the mind is a total bitch! Be a hard ass, be a softy, be whatever it takes, keep answering all the questions, making the vids, sharing the experiences, direct the pointings, KEEP DOING THE GOOD WORK! GRATITUDES & INFINITE LOVE EVOLVE HUMANITY

I have been struggling with anxiety for years. It feels like a surge running up my spine and into my brain. It is painful and causes my brain to start shaking. I started doing some kind of exercise of mind and body awareness. I combined this with writing prayers and I started generating fewer surges throughout my body. I started to feel very tired and I no longer had the same energy that I usually have for walking. As I relaxed I started experiencing intense feelings of indifference and sadness. My mind started getting much quieter, until I started having suicidal thoughts. I sat in bed for hours wanting to kill myself. I started looking at the suicide hot line site. I probably should have called them a long time ago, but I still haven't. It is partially because I am back to happy and sometimes I feel amazing. I should probably mention that. Eventually, I found a tool on the site for thinking traps commonly associated with depression. I took a test for depression and I got moderately severe. I took one in the past and I thought I had mild depression. I took one with a psychiatrist and she told me I was depressed. I'm not sure how depressed I am. Here's the tool for reframing negative thoughts. I am critical of the percentages assigned to the think traps, so you might have to scroll. I think writing my own reframes is the most effective. https://screening.mhanational.org/changing-thoughts-with-an-ai-assistant/ I hope this makes you happier.

I may have misunderstood your answer, but I meant romantic in the philosophical (and artistic) sense of the term. "Idealist if you will" Nihilists do not commit suicide, they are idealists in cognitive dissonance who do. This idea of suicidal nihilists in the collective unconscious comes from a sociological bias, the majority are (even unconsciously) idealists, both by attavism and by cultural background, and are ultimately confronted with nihilist ideas only in troubled situations see dramatic. You are nihilistic if you embrace, accept, this vision of life and of the world. Although obviously the worldview is more complicated and subtle than these terms.