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My god, who would have thought that stabbing my heart open would feel this amazing. I woke up with a feeling of immense beauty inside of my chest. I was moved, like when watching a beautiful movie. When I get this feeling, I sometimes cry, but this time it was just it - silent beauty. Later that day I had a fight with a coworker that promised to prepare something for me, but did not do the most important part. At the time, I reacted in such a way because it would put me in an uncomfortable position when I was expected to do my part with a tight deadline. Now, I had to do his work in addition to mine. I inquired into why this person annoys me so much and I ended up with my unfulfilled ambition. It has something to do with my father and I'll have to explore it sometime. The coworker is just a kid that's scared as hell. Later that day we had a conversation and I taught him something. I get annoyed easily when people I teach are slow to learn. It may be resentment because I always had to teach myself everything. After that, I started breathing deeply into my heart and my whole body is filled with bliss. I feel high, but alert. I finished my job without any problems.

Day 1: 3/10 I relapsed two times to porn yesterday evening, gaining my juiciest insights so far! Here are the notes I wrote down in my commonplace book right after the first relapse: (I somehow jerked off again to the same porn right after writing it all down ) 2019-02-26 I will not get that. There were no sparks, there was no sexual energy in my dick. I wanted to replicate the scenario I saw in hopes of pleasure! In hopes of fulfillment. I assumed that they were blissing out! I projected so many false thought onto that My hopes of bliss will never be achieved. I need to follow the steps outlined in the books to achieve the bliss that I want out of sex, and even that is also only temporary. I watched porn tonight because I wanted to observe how my body reacted to it, and how the sexual energy felt. I also wanted to find the best porn. Those wants didn't come from me though, they came as mere thoughts, coming from another place. They came more like cravings. I also couldn't hinder myself from watching because I felt like there was nothing better for me to do, and going to bed was too emotionally difficult for me to do. As the porn was watched, cravings came displaying the urge to watch the best porn! To find the best porn, and that would be rewarding! When the best porn was found, the decision was made in the mind that I will fap, and it would be emotionally difficult for me to not do so. Eventually, I fapped to the hottest porn, trying to replicate it, but it was very disappointing. "Where are the sparks?" Where are all the things that I anticipated? The truth is that what was happening was that I projected bliss onto the porn, thinking that if I could replicate the porn, then I would experience that same bliss as I imagined the porn would feel like! I projected my own fantasies and feelings onto the porn, creating the "bliss" in my head, but applying that "bliss" onto the porn to create the illusion that the bliss is out there and that I should watch and replicate the porn to experience it. The fantasies applied to the porn was all created in the head just like a craving, to get me to relapse by pointing me to something higher. The bliss is not on the screen, it's in the head, and its compelling force is made up of sexual energy. This is why if you watch porn long enough, you will stop out of boredom, out of no sufficient sexual energy driving arousal forward in genitals and mind. If you give in to cravings, you have already failed. The blocking of websites is to make sure that you don't give in to a craving, they are not there to hinder you when you're already in the force of cravings. My life purpose is grounded upon nofap, and PMO will sabotage my purpose. But my purpose is the key to defeat PMO. It's either or, and these forces will fight on, but my true intent lies in my purpose, and I know, I know for certain that I will win this war. I know that I will be successful with this. Action Steps: I need to reconnect myself with my sense of purpose so that I can have something to turn to in case something as dire as this happen. I also need to be observant of everything that has to do with the addiction so that I can finally see how it works and understand it, then transcend it. Never trigger the sexual energy, because it will summon more thoughts! The more I think of something, the more I will attract it, so an hour of porn contains a lot of thoughts about porn, and that creates more thoughts of porn during the day which leads me into watching more porn! Combine sexual energy, an available trigger(porn) and pleasure together and you got a very deadly loophole. I just need to sit with the thoughts of porn until they won't come up anymore, but meanwhile, I gotta focus on something else to make the elimination of porn-thoughts relevant and justified. I'll just have to realign myself with my inner strength and purpose and then it's smoother. I need to read more books so that I understand this path better. Even though I woke up today feeling crushed by life, I still managed to be quite productive today, perpetuating the snowball just a bit more.

@Mafortu In the beginning and in the end, is nothing. Emptiness. From that emptiness arises distinctions. Trees, leaves, grass, cars, anger, love, good, bad, me, you and on and on. Intellectually, the mind creates categories, separation and meaning. What lies prior to all of that? As well, there is the intellectual thinking and trying to figure things out, and there is the emotional and experiential. Notice how your mind is more engaged in intellectual dynamics, rather than experience. What is your mind-body experience with such matters? (without any thought or analysis) Just two years ago, I went through a stage in which awakening and spiritual growth involved love, connection and bliss as well as insecurity, anxiety and terror. I often spoke about how people seek only the love, connection and bliss in spirituality and try to deny the insecurity, anxiety and terror of spirituality. They are two sides of the same coin. Yet as I worked through all of these dynamics, attachment and identification to beliefs and the personal story began to dissolve. What remains once The Story is no longer the main act in town? Ime, the insecurity, anxiety and terror began to dissolve and a more pure form of peace and love had space to emerge. That's not to say that my mind-body no longer has physiological sensations of insecurity and anxiety. Yet, there is an awareness of how these thoughts and sensations are associated with a personal self.

@Mulky I’m refering to the NON-dual One. When you become conscious of that One, you will know what God means and is.@Aeris You can think and assume whatever you want, it means nothing to me, zero. This is just my way of dealing with stuff, I go in duality then back to the non-dual state in a blink of an eye, that’s how I live. And I’m in bliss just because of that. Fullly aware of both places, fully immersed in both.

I am a huge Matrix fan, obviously. The movie is a masterpiece. The actual thing is a prison. But still a masterpiece. So here's what lays beyond the conceptual matrix that most of humanity lives in; Nothing is the most you will ever have. Your idea of nothingness does not equal nothingness. In fact; it is impossible for you to imagine nothing. Especially not while trapped in the matrix. Nothing is unimaginable for a good reason. It is unspeakable. Nevertheless, I will try to paint a picture for ya. Beyond the maze there is pure, infinite emptiness. A blank canvas. Nothing. No canvas, either. No time, no space, no dimensions, no identity. No isness or amness. Not even the notion of life or existence. In pure nothingness all there can ever be is pure awareness of nothingness. Or the complete absence of it. Which would then be Absolute Nothingness. No notion of anything at all. No nothing even. What once was a prison; a hell - now becomes a paradise; a playground for creators. You may have struggled to escape the matrix and break down all limitations, but guess what...? Once you brake through all concepts and limitations, transcend both life and death, merge with infinite nothingness and become comfortable with emptiness - you will want to build a new matrix. New concepts. New realities. After all you do have a completely blank canvas now. And you are totally limitless. Free. Of course you will want to play. To create. To experience your infinitude. History repeats itself, indeed. And it can take on infinite forms. Express in infinite ways. There are 12 notes in a musical octave. The 13th one is the same as the first one. Just in a new octave. Perfect illusion. Every thing collapses down on itself. Is being reborn out of itself. Rises from it's own ashes. Like a phenix. The first note in the octave is what gives meaning to all the following notes. The 13th note is a rebirth. A new beginning. An illusive continuation of the same cycle. It only appears different; higher or lower. The 13th note is both real and an illusion. It is both same and totally different from the first one. Depending on where you are and what your intentions are. An F# is an F#; no matter what octave you're in. But the illusion of difference between octaves is what gives beauty and meaning to music. Dynamics. Range. Diversity. More room for expression. Octaves go on forever. No matter which direction you choose to go. You can go as high or as low as you can hear. And if you persist long enough; you will always find yourself exactly where you begun; nowhere. Design and build concepts in alignment with your highest intention; highest will. One must create limitations if one desires to experience one's infinitude. One must ground nothingness into somethingness. Otherwise absolute nothingness is all there would be. Forever. An awakened awareness is aware of this fact. Limitations are not bad, ultimately. They are pure blessings. Being unaware of them, their purpose and meaning, is what causes suffering. But suffering is necessary, as well. Golden. An extremely powerful experience. Awareness fears no intensity. Does not resist pain. Or anything else. It experiments; experiencing infinite varieties of itself. No meaning = Your meaning. This is coming from a higher octave. Not from the octave of egoic stubbornness, ignorance and/or narcissism. Be aware; I speak of "existence" after self-transcendence here. Do not missinterpret authenticity. Create your meaning. Make it as meaningful as it can possibly get. Or meaningless - if that's what floats your boats. The point is to get fully immersed in whatever it is you choose to do or not do. Make it fully experiental. Be aware of it all. To see sharp. Actions are supported by passion and love. Excitement and thrill is what keeps everything... exciting and thrilling. Fun. Surprising. Expansive. You will be eager to play, trust me. Or don't... Not as an ego. As God. As Infinity itself. So do it in love and peace. With anticipation and eagerness. Willpower and dedication. After all; now, in this new octave - you are able to detach at will from any circumstance. Any role, any character, any identity, any fragment. You have a new card up your sleeve, so to speak. Use it wisely and maturely. Responsibly. Consciously. But also; do dare to dream your wildest dreams. Be the child you are. Mistakes are stories of past. Your time is now. And it's not going anywhere. Plenty of time to "fix mistakes". Now it's time to play. To make love. To unite. To expand into infinite nothingness. To create worlds. Stars. Universes. Multiverses. To masturbate eternally. To dance. There could possibly be no better thing in the entire existence; or the illusion of it. It is unspeakable. No matter how long I try to describe it, point at it; it's all for nothing. No one could possibly ever believe this. One has to be it. And even then one will not be able to believe it. You are beyond belief. There is no need for belief. There is only Consciousness playing with itself. A perspective. A free agent. An explorer - a creator. Both God and The Devil; merged as One. As Infinity. Afterlife is no life at all. And that's the best life you can ever have. It is true heaven. Same game - different levels. Everything will stay the same; yet it will be radically different. On this level of the game; the player becomes aware of himself. Remembers his true nature. Does not confuse himself with the game or the characters in it anymore. And that brings new power. New capabilities. New gifts. More wisdom. More love and compassion. Will strong as a rock. The game of life becomes the best game that could possibly ever exist. It is genius. Contains infinite possibilities and opportunities for growth, expansion and exploration. Infinite configurations of consciousness. Constant rearrangement. Constant play. Non stop fun. NO MORE SLEEP Essentially; that is what you have been after since forever. Constant awareness. Awake eternally; continuously. No pause - no break. Razor sharp senses. It took you some time. But now time is no more. The rest was long enough. You are awake now and have no need to go back to sleep. At least not for another eternity. Freedom. Effortless manifestation. Wisdom. Knowledge. Intelligence. Creativity. Fun. Unconditional love. Excitement. Joy. Bliss. Peace. All of that lays beyond the matrix. And is directly experiental through authentic desire. All that is you birthright. You are the infinite creator. All there is. You are The Matrix itself. You are... THE ONE

@Mafortu Divine love is much diffrent than what we imagine it to be, it's more neutral as you said. Perfect detachment. It includes and transcends notions of love and hate. Bliss is not the ultimate state, deep serenity is what beneath it all - Perfect emptiness, so empty it's full.

You would certainly think so. But when you experience peak states of consciousness, it is very much interpreted as infinite love or bliss. What it actually is, well, it is what it is. But love, bliss, ecstasy, are all good human labels for "it". My suspicion is that it does go deeper than the experience of love though.

The Sacred Feminine in Chess Another thing I've been thinking a lot about is how the sacred feminine manifests in chess. When I started drinking ayahuasca 8 years ago, it was as if I started developing a relationship with the Queen (the holy mother of unconditional love, the sacred feminine, etc) the way she took the form through the medicine of ayahuasca and that particular flavor. The way I experience her she is sort of violent and compassionate at the same time. Ayahuasca is a pretty brutal medicine, and it feels like getting churned up by the cosmos in a brutal way, but then coming out of the process in bliss. The way I relate this to chess is ironically how the Queen is the strongest piece in that game. They also have a chess goddess or a chess muse which they call Caïssa, and when people become really hooked on chess they describe it as being possessed by Caïssa. The inner landscape of my mind these days is totally filled up with images from the chessboard and all the pieces, but it all has a bit of the same churning fractal geometric quality that I feel when I'm tripping on ayahuasca (and many other psychedelics for that matter), and especially when I apply my meditation technique to this process that I'm in. When I'm winning I feel great, but when I'm loosing I feel like an idiot. But as one of my chess mentors said - this comes from a wrong perspective. Loosing a game is great, because then you get to analyze what you did wrong so that you can improve. So in the deepest sense of it there is no winning or loosing - there is only going deeper in ones understanding and knowledge of this game - which in many ways is symbolic for the game of life. So by trancending the artificial duality between winning and loosing, one gets to a deeper sense of passion, love and wisdom. But loosing is painful - so it takes some purification to get to a point where one is ok with it. And winning feeds the ego - so even here it takes some purification to not get infatuated with it. So I have totally gotten possessed by Caïssa, and I see many similarities between her spirit and the spirit of Queen Ayahuasca. In the deepest sense, all aspects of life points back to the same love and passion that is the juice at the core of this existence that all mystery schools points back to. And I'm starting to believe that all kinds of passions can actually be seen as mystery schools bringing one back to deepest mysteries of this life, an giving one a greater sense of wisdom and mastery of this paradoxical process called life. It is always back to surrender and giving up control, especially when one starts to feel that one has some mastery going on. Life will find a way to pull the rug out from under ones feet again and again no matter how well one feels that one does. So please, dear Caïssa, teach me how to be humble and kind and always willing to learn and improve.

Some 2 hours ago I meet an amazing woman randomly, full of life and energy, amazing eyes. We connected in a blink of an eye. Then we talked and stuff, connected more. I asked her if she believes in God and she said ‘’Yes, I believe in God’’. She continued and said ‘’You must have God in your soul’’. I answered ‘’Yes, I do.’’ Then I just wanted to say it just for the fuck of it and because I felt that she really had some contact with God. I said ‘’I believe in God in my soul but I have also become aware that I am God.’’ She made a very strong eye contact with me and I cannot explain it, then she said ‘’Me too.’’ A shock came over me, never have I meet someone who is conscious that she or he is God. We talked some more, how we became conscious of God and so on. She told me she had to go to work and she gave me her number, I thanked her and told her that I will call you then we can talk more about God etc. I’m in bliss that I have meet someone conscious that she is God for the first time, that I will meet her again.

We handle Fear by going with it, staying in it, until bliss arises. There is no other way. What you run from it persists, always. You don't need to analize your thoughts. It only needs bravery, that is all.

Has little to do with posture, is more about inner rage while in extasis bliss and meditating no matter the activity.

Indeed. Bliss comes from the conscious knowing that I am God and immortal. Not the fish in the ocean, not a bird flying in the sky. The whole ocean, the whole sky. That is You. Or actually both.

Hello everyone. I want to share with you an amazing insight I just had with the help of 5-Meo just now. 7 hours ago I dosed 17mg of MDMA. I had experimented with mini and microdoses of LSD and 5-Meo in facilitating deeper self-inquiry and meditation sessions with successful results. I had just read something about people having very clear introspection when using MDMA alone, so I was curious as to how it would effect a session... (this was partly true, though my ego did just want an excuse to do MDMA and feel good, "i'll do some consciousness work while i'm on it, that makes it deep and not just impulsive!") I was honest to myself about this fact after dosing, and sat down to accept it. I could go pretty deep with self-inquiry, and instead of experiencing anxiety and distracting thoughts, I just felt more curious. After 30 minutes of self-inquiry, I thought it would be good to try a small dose of 5-Meo, though larger than anything I had done before. I wanted to practice letting go while my ego was being challenged, I wasn't looking for anything too profound. I weighed 6mg, halved it, and snorted each halve up a nostril, tipping my head upside down for 5 minutes. I laid down on my bed, arms out and palms up, and felt the sensation of my most body disappearing and losing the associations with the objects in my field of vision (absolutely love this), which I have experienced on psychedelics before. I reminded myself to let go, relaxed my core, face and sphincter muscles, and allowed things to happen as they came. It began to feel so natural. An insight came to me. I don't have to do anything. There is nothing I can do. Sam does things, Sam wants things, but all I have to do is let Sam deal with it. I'm just here to watch it happen! It all makes sense! Awareness became more aware of itself than ever before. This is huge. This is the happiest I've ever felt. I will do my best to integrate this experience, but remain conscious of how this bliss can tempt the ego. Letting go has a different meaning now. You don't have to do anything to let go, other than do nothing! I love you all, thanks for reading.

You start from the beginning. You simply admit to yourself that you exist. This is the truth. You do exist, don't you? So you say to yourself, "I exist. I know that for sure. I exist. I exist. That's all I know. I'm ignorant of everything else, but I do know that I exist because here I am." And, as you keep saying this to yourself, "I exist,” you begin to put more space between "I" and "exist." "I... exist." Say that to yourselves: "I... exist, "I... exist." If you're doing this correctly you'll soon find that “I” and "exist" are two separate words. In other words you'll come to the conclusion that you exist as I. You'll have to ask yourself, ponder, "Who is this I that exists? What is I?" You never answer. It will come to you of its own accord. When you sleep and you awaken you say, "I slept." When you dream you say, "I had a dream." And when you're awake, of course, you say, "I am awake." But that I is always there. You start to inquire within yourself, "What is this I that exists at all times? It exists when I'm asleep, when I'm awake, when I dream. Who is this I?" And now the inquiry starts. "Where does this I come from? From whence come the I?" You ask yourself. The answers are within yourself. And you keep asking yourself over, and over, and over again, "From whence come the I? Where does the I come from?" Or, "Who am I?" And you wait a little while, and you repeat the same question, "Where does the I come from?" While you're doing that, you follow the I deep, deep within. You keep following the I. You go deeper and deeper into the I. "Where does this I come from? Who is this I?" Whatever answer comes to you is the wrong answer. Do not accept it but do not deny it. You simply put it aside. And you continue with the self-inquiry. "Who am I?" And you wait. And you ask again, "Who am I?" It is not a mantra. Where did the I come from? How did it get there? Who gave it birth? What is the source of the I? You continue to abide in the I. As you continue this process someday something will happen. To some people it comes like an explosion within, where all your thoughts are wiped away. For you see, I is the first pronoun, and every thought that you have in the world is attached to the I. It is secondary. Think about that. Whatever you have to say about yourself has I in it. Everything in the world is about yourself. I am going to the movies. I am going bowling. I feel like crying. I feel terrible. I feel wonderful. I feel sick. I feel well. There's always an I, I, I. What is this I, and what is it all about? Everything is attached to the I. Subsequently, when the I is wiped out, everything else is wiped out and the troubles are over. All thoughts go with the I. Now there's no answer to "Who am I?" When you get to the answer there will be emptiness, a void. You will be of the unborn. But it is not a void like you think. It is not emptiness like you think. For want of a better word you can call it godliness, nirvana, sat-chit-ananda, bliss consciousness, absolute reality. It doesn't matter what name you give it. You will become that, and there will be no explanation. You will just become that, and you will feel a profound peace that you have never felt before. You will feel a bliss that is unqualified. You will try to explain it to yourself and to your friends, but you cannot, for the finite cannot comprehend the infinite. There are no words. That's the method you use, self-inquiry. You follow the I-thought to its source. How long does it take? It depends on yourself. How sincere you are, what else you're doing with your life. If you're using this like you do everything else... For instance, if you say, "Well today I'm going to practice the I thought, then I'm going to go to a movie, then I'm going to go bowling, then I'm going to watch TV, then tomorrow I'll do the same thing." Of course what's going to happen in a case like that? Very little, but if you put your energy into it, and you practice it every chance you get, and you put this first in your life, you will see amazing results, amazing results. But you have to put it first in your life. Think right now, what is first in your life? Don't tell me but just think. What comes first in your life? Can you take it with you when you die? Don't you see by now that you live in a world of constant change? That the only thing permanent in life is change? All facts change. Only truth is real, and truth is non-personal. You have to find it for yourself. For the sincere devotee or student they will put this first in their life, and then you will start seeing results. But if you're still worrying and fearing something, and you think other duties come first, then you've got to work on yourself. -- Robert Adams

This definitely can happen but I do want to throw in my experience which didn't go bad to see both spectrums. I had taken 1000ug this particular night when my highest dose prior was 500ug. Dumb move but I have no regrets. A lot of it was being glued to the floor seeing incomprehensible things but it was probably the end of the peak into the come down there was nothing but pure bliss. No sense of self accompanied with pure oneness and it was an absolute amazing feeling. There was no resistance only surrender.

I need to express this, excuse my arrogance. Will meditate later on the topic; do not worry. So...You experienced complete emptyness; now what? The first thing that comes to your mind, after infinite silence, is to go out there and tell everyone how everything is nothing and nobody exists? And you dare to call yourself a master of some kind? 'The actual fuck. I am extremely irritated by this at the moment. You show no respect to creation. Shame on you. Hiding behind the concept of nothing is the same as hiding behind the concept of ego. Or worse. How often do you use the word "delusional"? What do you suggest that indicates? Could it be that you are the most delusional of them all, by clinging to these stupid labels? We get it genius. Everything is meaningless and empty of truth. There is no self. Jeez. Is it really necessary for you to be stuck on repeating the obvious? Could it be...That you are stuck on pointing towards nothing...Because you are unable to create something? To value? Come the fuck on. Show some respect. Show some love. You are not invisible. No matter how hard you try to be nothing. Being selfless is not something you force. Or be a dick about it. Less self = more love. More compassion. Bliss. Joy. Excitement. Humbleness. Connection. Unity. Brotherhood. Don't fool yourself, nothing. You are still an ego. A massive one, to be frank. You are still where you are right now. What are you gonna do about it? Besides calling everyone delusional, of course. Level the fuck up. Nothing sees you. It's laughing at your bullshit. Stop hating on creation. Stop hating them poor thoughts. Stop hating emotions. Stop hating those who are yet to evolve. Create a fucking meaning. Be the master you claim to be. Sort your shit out. Also, if it helps; I am superdelusional atm. Spare me of your diagnosis. Help me understand this. Love.

Hello actualizers, I would like to give you an overall review and share my experience on meditating for everyday strictly about 1 hour. Maybe some of you would benefit from this. If you have any additional questions or things you curious about leave them in this thread. I started doing meditations strictly back in 2017. Started with 25 minutes every day and a month later experimented with 1 hour, 1 and half hour and only half hour. Because of my legs getting numb and hurt easily, I found my sweet spot around 45 minutes. So I stick with that number. The exact cause why I started meditations was simple, I had anxiety and depression issues. And I had panic attacks and anxiety attacks a few times before that. Those who wondering how intense my attacks was, once I remember waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. Even I had meditation on that day, after 20 minutes with intense panic and anxiety It made me cry for no simple reason . Meditations completely got rid of that. It worked like a magic tool for me. In parallel, I've developed a deeper understanding on almost all areas on life. It was like a secret wisdom, like a secret sight that had installed on me. Also started to get more interested about spirituality as-well, other religions and belief systems etc. self-inquiry and all kinds of other philosophic ideas, stoicism, red-pill strategy, men going their own way, self-improvement?, human psychology, self-actualizing (woot), mathematics, physics and all kinds. Meditating was my best friend. It was the most underrated (even how popular it is, yes it is underrated) most overlooked, fooled by its simplicity. It's drawbacks are pays long term, and needs steady commitment. We're living in a society where we want immediate results. But If you need numbers, here, I promise if you meditate for 3 weeks from now on everyday at least 20 minutes, you'll see its benefits in your life. It's been 2 month since I've intentionally stopped meditating. I do not remember exactly why, but this crazy idea somehow popped in my mind to give it a try: Stop meditating for 3 weeks then continue on doing it again. Then I simply wanted to experiment with this. Instead of a life with full meditation habit, I wanted to see how it is on the other side. So I stopped meditating. First week was tough because meditation was a key to overcome anxiety and all depression for me, crazy thoughts running inside my mind etc. In that period, I only once felt that I had to meditate because I felt overwhelmed by anxiety and the mind so that 3 week period only got relapsed by once. 3 weeks passed and I started doing meditations all again. For the next three days, was smooth and going fine without missing a day. On forth day and ahead I stopped doing meditations completely, and it got into a snowball effect. It's been 2 month since I've intentionally stopped meditating Now the best thing about this 2 years of meditation is it granted a permanent fix on me. It's been clearly one month of no meditation and I can say I am healed. I still preserve all the things I gained. No diminishment or whatsoever. Though I want to do meditations again but It is completely a personal misbelief about me believing it hit a plateau on spiritual development. If you have any additional questions or things you curious about leave them in this thread. Stay good! EDIT: I forgot to tell the best benefit. My everyday life became a meditation while not meditating. In simple terms: I almost feel like meditating every second even though I am not sitting lotus eyes closed. EDIT2: I do meditations when I feel like to do it on occasions like weekends on near a shore or some sort in nature. I sometimes even plan my trips in weekdays and long for it. It is immensely powerful peaceful event to meditate in nature. I would totally recommend anyone to do this in their life once. Warning! You might get addicted to doing meditations in nature because of pure bliss and silent (if not birds are singing although which is the best part!)

It was always a different approach from me, the usual practice and most efficient one that I found was the following: I ask the question: What am I, and I wait to catch anything raises upon and further ask questions to that sense. For ex: What am I? I wait, even I ask "What is this waiting sense?" sometimes, then follow upon. "What is this awareness?" "Who sees this awareness" The most important thing is to return the question "Who in the essence is the great watcher/seer of these everything happening" after a few questions I guess It would be more appropriate to say I stopped doing it as an habit. I do meditations whenever I like it to do. It is your expectations from meditation and life. I can't know what's your expectations from life to answer that "I'm fully satisfied with life". I wasn't expecting that so the only thing I expected really was get rid of anxiety and depression in which it significantly helped. Regarding "What are you going to do now" I don't gett that question, if you mind elaborate on that a bit? The premise of Enlightenment is to get rid of Ego completely thus achieving a complete state of bliss and joy. But I found that Ego is much more powerful than you think. Ego is much more wide than the words have been spoken on meditation. Ego can attach itself to the meditation habit and make you unaware of it. It is an experience that everyone has to gain for themselves. I can't really tell you about that. My intention was to add a little bit of clue of what has happened to me. Rather than strictly pointing towards to facts. Because it is not the way of non-ego-mind.

Day 2, 3, 1, 2: 5/10 Nofap news: I did a normal wank without fantasizing, and im suffering for it, the suffering that comes from me relapsing is being shown very clearly and it's a good thing, but also a bad thing: I don't want to blame that "this is an ego backlash" anymore but It feels like my ego has been resisting my schedule for a month nonstop. There are so many things that go into my schedule being successful. If I don't meditate I can't start my day properly, if I don't go to sleep in the right time I won't wake up with enough motivation to meditate, if I wake up late I will screw up my eating schedule, and if I eat poorly it all goes to hell! Do you get what im saying? The reason why Im not posting regularly is that im stuck in this cloud of problems to solve! And im trying and trying, backsliding and backsliding, fail after fail without success, as I keep falling into the same traps over and over again! I don't want to live this way, I need the strength to create momentum just for once, and I will never give up on that! I can't give up. I'll figure out a way. Maybe im just burning myself out... The first thing in the morning is my Kriya routine, and its always hard to get the ass on the mat, especially when I wake up late, the ego resists it every time, but as I finally get down, I always discover its hidden bliss 5 minutes into the routine, but I do of course forget that until the next morning. It feels like im living only for the Kriya these days. The point is that Im always approaching my routine with a mastery mindset. I am always trying my very best every time I sit down on the mat, and I try to be as aware as possible during the sessions and I feel like the awareness always improves the routine! In the same way, as im approaching my addictions with awareness and that really helps me to see how much suffering im creating for myself and how the addiction affects me, ultimately leading to the addiction kind of getting erased from my subconscious as I get more and more aware of what it acutally does and how it actually works! But ofcourse, my ego resists this awareness and indirectly robs me of my strength to actually do the work! If I won't do the Kriya, or if I wont exercise, I will more probably relapse into PMO, and the ego knows this. As you seem problems are very complicated and I have a tough time solving them. But the to have ups you gotta have downs and I know that the real breaktrough is near. I just gotta keep on trying and soon ill grow into becoming a different, more mature person. I have grown significantly since I started this journey.

With the mind calm and relaxed and the Self discerned, the mind is immersed in a kind of immense larder, a huge treasury of fat -- a subterranean store of rich provision, satisfaction. It's like a borderless but breathable block of jello. You are a figure in that jello made from that very same jello. That jello is what is wanted, is what is desired. And you are surrounded on all sides by it, effortlessly. Realize your jello-ness! It can simply rest there in that totality, that fullness, with "events" "happening" frictionlessly within it, mere images projected in that cool sweetness. Only it should not be tempted back by thoughts, various delectable offers to use the energy it now has towards one cause or effort or another. These are like Siren songs... "Should I do this? How about that? Oh that looks good/productive/tempting/wise/interesting." To all of these ideas it should remain relaxed, with its eyes "half-closed' mentally/figuratively speaking... unaffected, tranquil, simply resting in the richness of its environs. It is much like learning to carry a pot of water on your head wherever you go. Whatever happens, don't let the pot fall, don't let a drop of what's in it spill. Or in reality it's actually the kind of opposite of this, because carrying the pot is not a particular activity, it is a refraining from the activity of being diverted by various thoughts/goals/intentions/desires. Let them occur, if they occur, spontaneously and involuntarily. And if they occur, pay them no need, no mind, no attention. They do not require reprimand. And if the bliss comes, refrain from comment on it. "I am enjoying this" <-- one is already out of it. And again, if that happens, no need for reprimand. Simply drop the thought. This Self is the anchor in the changing environment, the one thing that is both “in the dream” and not of it. It's like something which appears in a dream but is actually in reality as well. On one side it's a dream object; on the other side it is not in the realm of objects at all. It's like some kind of anchor which one can hold by letting go of all other things. And don't think about what's good thought or bad thought. That's a distracting thought in itself. That will lead you down a wild goose chase. Good and bad and should and should not are dangerous distractions.

In a sense you can think of the indulgence of pleasure being reactionary. Being overly fascinated with objective experiences. Being influenced and overly focused on what memory has put together as the subject & object in experience. Implicitly identifying with the contents of thought and pursuing or trying to re-experience particular experiences and avoid others. Hence pleasure and pain are one and the same. Resistance to what-is. Resistance to an already inherent peace, bliss, sense of wholeness. It’s just ego always looks to objects of experience. With these objects rises the subject. So the already inherent joy/beauty of being is missed/overlooked.

Pleasure comes from a need to quench, Bliss comes from needing nothing ?

Don't try to manipulate the meditation, then you're not allowing. Meditation is all about becoming 110% present and allowing all feelings negative + positive, don't cling to the feelings or thoughts, just allow, allow, allow, and watch the emotions and thoughts pass again, notice the impermanence. Keep doing this over and over again, and a sense of general bliss will flow over you

There is nothing to win. Getting a job, having children, a house, a nice car, chasing temporarily pleasurable experiences - all this is pathetic. Become conscious of the non-dual One (God). All of reality will be understood and you will get your happiness. Then live life like before, consciously. Play the person character playfully, joyfully, consciously. Have your pleasurable experiences, just don't identify with them. They come and go. Find and become conscious of that which never goes. Be in metaphysical and epistemological bliss 24/7.

@Nahm happiness because happiness is our true nature? Perhaps bliss?