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It's Red/Blue values in an Orange scientific-capitalistic society. The science is complicated but it seems clear to me that the divisions of humans into races is arbitrary and socially constructed. From an alien to this planet perspective with the same understanding of genetics, they wouldn't create our typically "races", those used in the U.S, for instance. The Scandinavian countries are actually highly scientific and capitalistic, they run on social democracy. For them racism begins with grouping humans into races, which is why I am questioning those who have those beliefs in this thread, as even for "social justice" it's really counter intuitive on the long-term, if we are to aim for the stars and ideals.

The collective lens is more of a hallucination than the individual lens, as its through the individual lens in which you have the collective. If you take on a collective lens I think it's the Individual collective lens which is the healthy one, as first it doesn't lead to totalitarian certainty and second it deconstructs collective hallucinations that put primacy on collective hallucinations like race. It's impossible to have another communist russia or nazi germany with mass collective individualism which is a mix of orange and green into yellow. The problem is the collective hallucinations which each stage shares with each other, a green is sharing the hallucination of race with a red, so they reinforce each other's delusions to keep one another game going. It is mutually beneficial to the Green and the Red. The Green telling a non-Red who isn't delusional their delusion, it spreads. If another person comes along and says race is a social construction, or mostly irrelevant for the average person, from a Big Picture science perspective, both will fight him. A person in the Green stage can't for instance make conspiracy theories about a supposed patriarchy of a certain race, like if they were lizard men, if their collective hallucination isn't entertained. I do not want to hear what you say what you perceive to be my race or my privilege is as it's your delusion, not mine. Nor do I want to write an essay of your delusion of me. Ineffability is who we are, not delusions. Your point about inter-racial relationship is an example of your mind being delusional thinking there is such a thing of different races, even though both stage Green and Orange (Science) rejects such a notion. The racial social construction is based on a few traits that are observable, actual genetics is more complicated and whether our social construction completely matches the genetic data is very questionable. An alien that comes to Earth wouldn't probably divide people into different groups based on for instance appearance like skin color. On your point regarding the levels of expansiveness regarding community or belonging, yes, that's correct and useful. This article writes about Xenophobia and Xenophilia and a couple possible biological mechanisms for Xenophilia like a gene at DRD4 (dopamine D4 receptor) https://mad.science.blog/2018/07/09/xenotypy/

One is conceptual and the other is reality shattering. Have you tried watching Leo's videos? He is talking about "getting deeper realizations" for a few years now. There are also these alien things called "books", they have answers to this exact question. Check out Leo's book-list.

Yes, I can relate to the morning one. But it is very short and not even clear what happened in retrospect. But if 'not remembering who i am' is what you are looking for, then i have stable one of those: I sometimes meditate on weed. There is no remembrance of who i am, where i am. I cant even remember how my face looks like. As i close my eyes there is a space with bodily sensations and sounds appearing in it. No body contours. The memory of the past seems so distant and totally alien. Then I turn around (not literally, just in that internal space) to see who/what is experiencing all this and it is a TOTAL mystery. There is a sense of an "I" but it has no idea what it is. The "I" is not totally one with the space but it is hard to find boundaries either. What is this I?

You need to distinguish awakening itself from changes to one's sensory field. Psychedelics tend to alter the sensory field a lot as well as produce awakening. It is possible to awaken without any change to the sensory field at all. And this is usually the case in non-psychedelic awakening. Or it's possible to have radical changes to the sensory field, such as the entire sensory field disappearing or morphing into fractals and all sorts of other stuff like a DMT alien hyperspace landscape. If you are in pure void with no sensory field at all, then that would be pure void. Obviously there's nothing there. No perceptions, no forms at all. Like deep sleep. Obviously there are no colors and shapes in deep sleep. BUT! That is not strictly necessary for awakening. You can awaken without your sensory field changing at all. In fact, you can realize that "the void" is ALWAYS the case! Even when the sensory field is fully here, it is still void. The sensory field is not other than void. All of these possibilities are possible with or without psychedelics. But with psychedelics you are much more likely to get radical alterations of the sensory field.

This is gonna be a long thread. I'm going to copy and paste some text for the "Context to my question" and for "my social experiences in school". I hope that these sections help you build a picture of me. Context to my question I understand very little about why my experiences happened the way they did, and I can't figure out what I was chasing after back then and what I'm chasing after now. Whilst the details of my memories aren't incredibly sharp in terms of precise mundane details, I have a very detailed and rich memory of important phases of my life during high school and the underlying emotions I felt at the time. Although I say that I understand very little about my past it's probably the case that I understand a lot about my experiences, it's just that I don't want to accept and confront the fact that I've always felt like an alien/outsider in my interactions with people. The feeling of being misunderstood and lonely, subtly yet strongly, permeates all of my experiences from when I was 4 years old to now when I am 18. It might be worth noting that I'm an INTP who suffers from anxiety/depression, and I've got a parent mother who was/is abusive to me (to only describe the relationship with the word "abusive" wouldn't accurately convey the nuanced situation however). My mum can very paranoid and holds delusional suspicions (which are not targeted at me), and I have a strong family history of psychosis and other mental illnesses from my mother's side of the family. My dad has depression. My parents have always been arguing. I likely have some autistic traits which I have inhereted from my mum, but I would probably be what you call "high functioning". My social experiences in school I'll talk a bit about my experiences, by first starting with primary school [ which I was in when aged 4-11 years old]. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was a very shy kid by the time I was 4. Apparently I was very late to speak as a baby, which is maybe a consequence of autism. From the very start of primary school, I was mildly bullied and was socially excluded. Although I can't pinpoint a reason for this, I think this happened because of the fact I behaved strangely as a child. Although I behaved strangely, it was far from being malicious or violent. There was also a racial component to this, as I have a distinct memory of older kids calling me "chocolate bar" but I'd respond with "milky way" (a white chocolate brand). My name is Mujtaba so they got the idea of chocolate bar from adding an "r" to the "ba" component of my name, very funny and peculiar actually. By the age of 6-7, the bullying stopped and as I mildly gained the respect of people around me. Around the age of 7 I naturally developed a very strong interest in maths, and this has stuck with me for life. It was something I was constantly praised for by adults. Thankfully I wasn't bullied for this at all in primary school. Even after I stopped being bullied, I was at the bottom of the "social hierarchy". I was often peoples last choice for playing games with, and it felt as though I had to always make an effort to fit in and get people to play with me. I finished high school at age 11. I didn't stay in touch with anyone from primary school. At age 11 I then entered a private high school. When my first year started, I found that I was being popular for reasons I didn't understand. It might be because I was blunt and would tell offensive but funny jokes, and represented a paradox of maturity and immaturity. I was really good at tackling people in rugby even though I was short, and so the sporty kids loved me for that. I was friends with the "jocks" and "the nerds" at the same time. I was tired of being a nerd during earlier points in my life, so I tried to fit in with the cool kids. However, they weren't really on my wavelength at all. Some relationships aren't meant to be. I found them to be superficial and shallow beyond belief. They shared different hobbies from me for the most part. They were allowed to have girlfriends whilst I have had the opposite sex demonised to me because of my upbringing. The "cool kids" detected that I wasn't on their wavelength as well, but I maintained a casual relationship with them for two years. Although I interacted with the cool kids, it was the "nerds" who were my real homies. I just went to the "cool kids" temporarily if they were doing some fun activity like playing football or rugby. Something at the centre of my being rejected everything about the way the "jocks" acted. They were arrogant, genuinely malicious at times, and wanted to put whoever they could down around them. During my second year of high school I developed a major crush for someone, but I couldn't pursue anything because of my religion. She was really good looking and gave me signals (e.g. She was touching my leg repeatedly with her foot under the table) , but I never did anything. This led to me having great frustration. I ended up question religion as a whole during my adolescence, and I became an atheist at age 13/14. And for the first two years of high school, I had two close friends. These two guys happened to be the two highest academic achievers in all subjects, whilst I only "shined" in maths and science. Despite this, we had many similar interests and fun playing games with each other. They were on my wavelength. After two years, I had drifted away from the cool kids. After two years my loneliness started to grow. When interacting with the vast vast majority of people I felt like an outsider. During my third year of high school, I fell down the dominance hierarchy, quickly spiralling down towards the bottom. During my third year of school, people were put into different classes of "ability". I was separated from my friends for science classes because I never bothered to study. One of the two close friends I had started drifting away to hang out with the girls, and I didn't follow him. I was too awkward and my religion hindered me. Plus the girls he choose to hang out with were unpleasant, gossipy people. I had just one friend left, and I didn't end up seeing him too often. This friend that I had left was Asian and Muslim like me, (unsurprisingly?). My interests were in discussing philisophy, religion, science, psychology, politics and etc but nobody elses were. Whether it was sitting in classes, eating lunch, and walking to classes, I was lonely. Rooms would be full with multiple cliques (nerds, normals, jocks, etc) of people talking loudly, I would be awkwardly at the side. I watched from the sidelines everyone enjoy their life. Hung out with nerds, but didn't really feel connected to them. As high school went on, my loneliness grew and grew. During my 6-7th years of high school my classes became small and I was mostly interacting with nerds all the time. I took only science subjects and maths, and I had my friends in these classes. My curiosity for maths and science really bloomed during these times, and people were shocked at how "intelligent" I was because my grades aren't usually good. I went to a private school filled with people who were very competitive and hardworking academically. I have a circle of 10 "friends" and some of them were envious of me and put me down for my interest in maths. Most of the teachers were unable to answer the questions I asked them, and whenever I tried discussing something I find really interesting in maths/physics with my friends I would get cut off, because they perceived my interest and enthusiasm for the abstract as a form of showing off. If I ever go full loose in showing my train of thought to people, they are sometimes spiteful and look at me as weird. And so I naturally became more and more lonely, as I felt rejected by everyone around me. On a side note, I hate the way information is taught in school, and that demotivated me from learning and growing as much as I could. My question Even now, after moving to university to study physics I haven't met anyone whom I connect with. I've had better conversation with my university professors than I have with my "friends"/acquaintances. What's the best approach for me? Do I have to just face the loneliness head on and keep doing consciousness work? I feel so tempermentally different from everyone around that I just can't connect with anyone. Ive been deprived of human connection for so, so long that the loneliness just hits hard. Must I bite the bullet and go full zen to overcome my own demons?

Like whenever we try to fix ourselves, do work on ourselves, try to make ourselves free from the ego, we only end up hurting ourselves further and making in even more challenging to integrate our whole and enlighten? The intellectual mind that we actively think with being the woman in the video and the ego/our higher self being the alien humanoid? Is the paradox that we need to fully accept the "enemy" and what we're afraid of as part of us?

What is known is there has been a sentient, intelligent guiding force throughout my life. It's made it's intentions clear time and time again, in ways I rarely hear happen with other individuals. You can use whatever word for what that force is that won't ruffle your feathers, but it's been an undeniable part of this existence. Maybe at some level currently beyond my awareness there is a more holistic understanding of reality and what this force is, but it certainly is beyond ego/mind. It's more Intelligent than anything I've ever met, and whether I find out I'm simply a part of that and forgotten, it's God, Source, a Highly intelligent alien species, it doesn't matter. The more I've followed this intuition the further down the spiritual path I've gone and the more the dust settles.

This was my Second Mushroom Trip and Second time tripping ( First was .3 grams, I don’t know why but this doesn’t have effect on me so I decided to try 4.5 grams ) Dosage: 4.5 grams of Psilocybin Cubensis Ingestion: Just ate them ( I know a lot of people doesn’t like the taste of mushrooms but for me It kinda tastes good ) Background: I started meditating when I was 15 years old, but not straight until now, Often I will meditate hardcore for months then stop for months, I started doing Kriya Yoga 2 months ago, gave me some beautiful moments. Dude Kriya Yoga is a monster. Settings: Outside of my house I wanna say that my Country isn't Native English so Sorry for my Bad English. There are no visuals throughout the trip, I don’t know why. I'm lying down (After 30 minutes) The First epiphany hits. When I close my eyes, I can feel the energy in my body and the energy around me. I realized the energy inside and outside is the same, It's all one. I put on my earphone and started playing music, Damn the energy is going along with the music, It feels so Beautiful. Then I removed my earphone caused I was thinking it's just a distraction. I was so nauseous( because of eating them ), like when your drunk so I don’t have a choice but to lay down. Then it hit me hard. I can't really explain what happened this time, no words can describe this experience but I will try my best. I'm feeling so bad, I want this to end. It's so uncomfortable. I just keep reminding myself to let go and surrender completely. ( It's like the Gods is punishing me for being so cocky thinking I can handle a high dose. I'm sorry for being so cocky, ) The mushroom makes me humble. (I notice that my upper teeth and lower teeth is putting pressure in each other, Like I'm biting. There is also a lot of tension in my lower body, my feet, calves etc. This lasts throughout the trip) I just keep reminding myself to let go and surrender completely) Then out of nowhere I started Laughing. Not like a normal laugh but a real laugh, take your best time laughing and multiply that to a thousand. I was laughing my ass off, It's so funny. I don’t know why the fuck I'm laughing, and just the thought of '' I'm laughing for no reason at all '' makes me laugh even more. Hands down the best laugh I've ever had in my life, it's fucking crazy. I'm like a child laughing for no reason at all, maybe that’s why people like children so much because Children reminds them that feeling. When I was laughing so Hard, suddenly I stopped laughing. Then Someone or Something or the Mushroom or Myself taught a lesson to me. Not like a lesson but A fucking Lesson, the best lesson I've ever had in my life. Then again I laughed so fucking hard for no reason at all, and again just the thought of '' I don’t know why I'm laughing '' makes me laugh even more. Then Suddenly I stopped again and Something taught me a lesson, a profound lesson. Then laugh, then someone taught me. This repeats for a few more times. I don’t know why but the laughs are not pleasant or unpleasant.( the lessons taught me where I'm fucking up in life, what my problems was, what should I fix, some painful truths ) After that, the lessons start to make me cry. Not like cry cry but fucking Cry. I became aware that I'm beginning to cry so I make it stopped ( because I read that when your tripping and things get negative it will spread ). I'm shocked on how easy to make it stopped, it's just a piece of cake. I put my finger in my mouth, my tongue is playing around with my finger. It's the best feeling in the world, it's like it's the first time I put my finger in my mouth. Sucking my finger felt so good like crazy. I looked like a child with his finger in his mouth and it felt so fucking good. It felt so comfortable doing this. ( Words fall short when I'm trying to describe things like this ) This time I started to bite my finger hard, not that it's going to bleed. I closed my eyes and I focused in the feeling of the pain, and suddenly the pain detached from me, it's going away. The pain is still their but I'm not suffering. I feel like I can cut myself with a knife and not suffer. Then I sat up, I started to move like an animal. Like a fucking ape, like an Amazonian, like the first human in the planet. It felt so natural. My movements is like an animal throughout the trip. Then I saw my dog carrying a plastic bag in it's mouth, Normally when I saw that I would get angry because the dog is messing up the trash can. But I fucking laugh when I saw that, it's so fucking funny. I don’t even know why it's funny, it's just Funny. I'm laughing so hard. I decided to eat something because I read that when you're tripping food tastes good. So I started to walk into my house I put a finger inside my nose, Dude! It felt so fucking great oh boy. It's so comfortable and so natural. It's feels so good as fuck. So as I'm going inside my house. I saw the clock, I'm shocked that 3 hours had passed when I took the mushroom. After that I took a corn and started eating, it tastes normal, not good not bad. Then suddenly I felt like I sneaked in a house and stole a corn because of that I started to giggle laughing. I walk faster than normal going outside while laughing so hard because I sneaked in a house and stole a Corn. I noticed that while I'm eating the corn that I'm also eating the hair like in the corn, it's ridiculous. So I'm sitting outside holding a corn in my hand, two of my dogs were staring at the corn in my hand. I gave them the corn without hesitation, I'm not even thinking anything. It's only one whole piece of corn so only one dog gets it, I noticed that. So I fucking pull the corn out of the dog mouth and break it in half and gave it to them. ( as I contemplate about this right now, I realized that I don’t want to live just for myself. I want to live for others, giving, contributing, helping. Contributing is one of the best way to be happy ) Then I just spend my time looking around, talking to the my dogs, walking outside, looking at the grass and trees. Everything felt so natural, so comfortable, so beautiful. It really feels like I'm an ape, I was a new born that everything looks alien to me. Then I laughed at the students seeking and listening to Sadghuru. I'm thinking '' They are so fucking stupid haha! Because Sadghuru is just living man '' ( I don’t know how to explain this ) I decided to go to bed, so as I'm closing the gate, this is what I'm thinking ''Dad told me to close the gate so nobody could get in'', then bang! I laughed giggling, haha it's so funny. The idea of closing the gate so nobody could get in is so funny, I don’t know even know why it's funny, it's just is. So I'm in bed and a dog sneaked in my room and now is barking. Normally I would get very annoyed and lash out and hurt that fucking dog but I don’t give a fuck about anything, I'm just sleeping normally and peacefully. This is 10% - 30% of my experience, somethings I kinda forget and other things I can't describe. Some insights: Of course, Of course, Of course!!! This is why people love dancing, because it gives them pseudo experience of what I am experienced in my trip During the trip when I walk to look at the grass and trees I realized that "Reality is a Beast! I don’t even know a tiny percent of it '' ( So gotta learn a lot ) Of course, Of course, Of course!!! This is why people love Singing, because it gives them pseudo experience of what I am experienced in my trip Now I understand why mushrooms are called ''Golden Teachers''. Because they really are. They fucked me up

Hello, guys! Just 20 minutes or so ago I've had a very weird experience that has made me write my very first post on this forum. I think that I've finally realised what Leo meant when he said that Nothingness is the same as any experience in consciousness. It just can't be anything else but this! There is ALWAYS some kind of experience going on, even if it is outside of what can be possibly experienced by a human being or any other earthly creature. It can still be 'experienced' by consciousness. Consciousness doesn't care what s being experienced. There cannot be such THING as empty space for it is always on. It is not an experience itself. It is what 'the other side' of experience is. The source. Consciousness and nothingness are the same. This basically meant two things to me: 1) When I'll die, in consciousness (which I am inside right now) there will instantly be something else. Not necesarilly a human, or an animal, or an alien. It will be something RANDOM. Infinite amount of possible experiences. I can't die. It's just absurd. The human which is me will die, but there won't be eternal darkness. There will be something else. For eternity. Just different experiences. 2) All living creatures that have ever lived or will live in this particular Universe are me. When I realised it I nearly sh*t myself because it was kind of creepy, but also my whole body was experiencing pure euphoria for good 10 or so minutes and I laughed a little because I felt that I could not die. Now the question is: does it count as a mystical experience? Or am I just a moron who's realised something very obvious and am just being delusional? Thanks!

Hello everyone. I'm in a very weird position at the moment right now. I started to deconstruct my reality some time ago and I think I hit rock bottom. Yesterday I smoked weed with my wife and had a nice evening as usual, discussing a lot all in silence, discovering some minor insights etc. But later I saw a window of opportunity to question something, to get a bit of time into my spiritual stuff while I was high (not too much tho, was like 6/10). And then it hit me. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. I don't even know who am I, what is all this, how is this possible. I saw myself as an alien here in this world. Like why are we the way we are, but in a very shocking and scary way. The natural feeling of reality has vanished. I didn't even understand what socks are. I questioned everything that I could, how am I possible to be here, breathe this air, get feelings and feel love. What are all these things. Why do they even exist. What is existence anyway. I was shocked by how much I didn't understand, felt like I'm going nuts. My question: whats going on in my head right now? This thing happened to me yesterday, but I woke up now still feeling this way.

Most of us when we were educated by society were harboring the perspective of seeing animals as rather dumb creatures, capable of emotions, but ultimately completely inferior at the mercy of men. In the world of dawkins, survival of the fittest rules, every animal on this planet is at a complete mercy of mankind and therefore its life is a failure, these are the primitive insights of modern science Now most of us who are awake and conscious, are conscious that there is more to animals then the limited measures by which we judge them, we have discovered and explored further then the mere reasoning intellect , and can recognize intelligence beyond mere reason and quantitative qualities, the deeper wells of existence are rich, and animals are taping into these wells as much as we do There is strength in animals, wisdom in animals, deep emotion, and probably ways of existence and connection to life beyond our comprehension Animals aren't dumb at all, in fact they are of the same intelligence as life, that pure intelligence of which every atom of life is made, they flow completely, yet we "rule" the earth First of our all our society ego's cannot comprehend egoless state of beings which are divine, as vast as the universe, and infinite, state of beings so vast the seemingly simple life of a squirrel can be as complex and interesting as a supernova, when you see the life of a squirrel you see yourself as a squirrel, you cannot even begin to imagine what an actual squirrel goes through, it depends even on who's navigating the squirrel The second thing our society ego's have a hard time grasping is true infinite immortality, a divine consciousness that is infinitely immortal could vigoursly enjoy the simple life of a cow, just to go back to other dimensions and civilizations after its cow life, for an infinite being the life of a cow could be as short as a second, it wouldn't be more shocking then you yourself putting on a mask for halloween, adopting another identity for the fun of an halloween evening! We assume a cow to be dumb based on its life, but who's truly behind that cow or your dog? Who knows, be humble and open Space Lets admit that every animal on this planet is made of infinite intelligence, the same we are made of, then why is there a human society?and not a cow society, or cat society? You have the common answers from science and evolution which looks at physical evidence, physical reality which is merely a reflection of inner emotional reality, the universal connection of everything, in this connection we find real answers What is a modern society? Culture, arts, engineering, invention, production, A modern society itself, takes a lot of space, a society is a place of connection first and foremost, as animals have their own smaller societies As a modern society we can barely connect with each other, we're getting there, our different religions, political backgrounds, skin colours, are dividing us less and less Let alone a different species, there is simply not enough emotional space "love" for other species to join our society, or to start their society on this planet, its a psychic agreement,there is no reason to be found in physical evidence like genes and natural selection, physical life reflects psychic agreements on the level of universal connection, that place of connection from which all life springs forth, physical life reflects what is already decided and agreed upon What do animals have to gain from letting humans take the lead on planet-wide modern societies? From the plane of deepest truth that we are one, and from the truth of infinity, all life is new, all life is being created, energy is infinite, expansive Animals are consciousness connected to our consciousness, deeply we are all connected, meaning that every endeavour we undertake as human society, we share that energy with every life on earth, there is no one really taking the lead, as we are all the animals and plants on earth as much as the these plants and animals are us Why are there people living in mansions , living exhorbiting luxurious lifestyles? Because its not possible for everyone of us to live those lifestyles, not because of physical or logical reasons, because of energetic reasons, the evolution of energy, which is why its good to have this less then 1% percent of humanity living absurdly abundant lifestyles, everything they live, is energy of abundance and will be shared with all of us, its better 1% of us living magical lifestyles then 0% of us, the same with animals, its better for one species to be able to explore a world-scale cultural society then no species at all, in the end we all share these explorations and they will ultimately let us spiral But again this is not a matter of physical limitations, or resources, its energetic In my bold and honest prediction, we are arriving at a stage of critical evolution, where can realize that physical matter reflects our consciousness, science is not going to be outdated but it will become a tool,one of many, to express our infinite creativity, but ultimately consciousness decides physical matter, and if we can come to that of rising energy , with world-wide enlightenment, everything will change, from psychic consciousness technologies, to scientific technology, to telempathy, to dream technology, synchronisation, magical prowess and powers, contact with alien and trans-dimensional societies... There will be more then enough space for animals of our planets to join us in society, with coherent social intellect

In my opinion, It might seem like certain conditions has to be met for life to emerge on a planet. But that's only from human's perspective. Because we haven't encountered radical life forms yet. Why cant life develop in -100 Fahrenheit? because it's not a comfortable temperature for any living organism known so far? Even if there were Earth-like conditions on an alien planet. Evolution could have taken aliens on a million different paths of development. Evolution is shaped by luck, unpredictable events (ice ages, meteors etc.), geography and more. They might have completely different biology which means different language and understanding of reality. I think Mathematics is very much dependent on the mind, and it is a modern invention. There are Native tribes that have a very different language structure and cognitive understanding of reality, not like any modern languages. Yet, they can do basic addition and subtraction without any concept of numbers. Interesting perspective about alien perception is depicted in the movie "Arrival" (2016). The aliens there don't even have the concept of Time, let alone mathematics. Here is an example of human silliness. Today, we all image aliens on a sort of flying discs. But before the first human flight was possible (around 1900), when people had no concept of airplanes, everybody imagined aliens using boats for transportation. People thought aliens would come on a vessel from the ocean. This goes to show that we project a lot of our own reality when we conceptualize about aliien species. But I think we can never know for sure.

Chapter 11 Impact of domestic abuse and psychopathy 2 Rev. Dr. James Dobson : Ted it is … about 2:30 in the afternoon. You are scheduled to beexecuted tomorrow morning at 7 o’clock (if you don’t receive another stay). What is goingthrough your mind? What thoughts have you had in these last few days? Ted Bundy : … I won’t kid you to say it’s something I feel I’m in control of or have cometo terms with, ‘cause I haven’t. It’s a moment-by-moment thing. Sometimes … I feel verytranquil, and other times … I don’t feel tranquil at all. What’s going through my mind rightnow is to use the minutes and hours that I have left as fruitfully as possible, and … see whathappens. It helps to live in the moment, in the essence that we use it productively. So rightnow I’m feeling calm … in large part because I’m here with you. For the record, you are guilty of killing … many women … and girls. Yes, yes, that’s true. Ted, how did it happen? Take me back. What are the antecedents of the behavior that we’veseen? So much grief, so much sorrow, so much … pain for so many people! Where did it start,how did this moment come about? …That’s the … question in the hour and one that not only … People more intelligent than Iare working on for years and one that I have been working on for years and trying tounderstand … it … ( laugh ) Is there enough time to explain it all ? … I don’t know … I think Iunderstand what happened to me … To the extent that I … I can see how certain feelings andideas have developed in me to a point that I began to act out on them. Some very violent andvery destructive feelings … Well … Let’s go back then to those roots … First of all, you, as I understand it, were raised inwhat you consider to be a healthy home... …Absolutely… …You were not physically abused, you were not sexually abused, you were not emotionallyabused…. No, in no way. I … and that’s part of the tragedy of this whole situation. Because … I grewup in a wonderful home with two … dedicated and loving parents, as one of five brothers andsisters. A home … where we, as children, were the focus of my parent’s lives. We regularlyattended church… Two Christian parents … they did not drink, they did not smoke, there wasno gambling, there was no physical abuse or fighting in the home. I’m not saying this was …“Leave it to Beaver” [American television situation comedy, from 1957 to 1963] … One perfect home … No, I don’t believe that such a home exists, but it was a fine, solid Christian home. Andnobody, hum … I hope no one will try to take the easy way out, and try to blame or otherwiseaccuse my family of contributing to this … Because, I know, and I’m trying to tell you as 3honestly as I know how, what happened. And I think this is a message that we can get across.But as a young boy (and I mean boy of 12 or 13, certainly), I encountered, outside the homeagain, in …the local grocery store and the local drug stores, the softcore pornography (or whatpeople “softcore”…). … As I think as I’ve explained you last night, that this … anecdote …that as young boys we explore the backdoors and … the sideways and byways of theirneighborhoods, and oftentimes the people would dump … the garbage and whatever they’recleaning out their house and from time to time, we come across pornographic books of aharder nature than … a more graphic, you might say, a more explicit nature of what we wouldencounter, let’s say, in your local grocery store. And this also included such things as, let’ssay … detective magazines… Those included violence. Yes, yes. And this is something that I want to emphasize, this is the … the most damaging …kinds of pornography - and again I’m talking from personal experience … hard, real, personalexperience – so, the most damaging kinds of pornography, are those that involves violenceand sexual violence. Because the wedding of those two forces – as I know only too well –brings about behavior that is just … Hum. …just … too terrible to describe. Walk me through that. What was going on in your mind at that time? Okay , before we go any further, it is important to me that people … believe what I’m saying,and to tell you that I’m not blaming pornography. I’m not saying it caused me to go out anddo certain things. I take full responsibility for whatever I’ve done and all the things that I’vedone. That’s not the question here. The question … and the issue is how this kind of literaturecontributed and helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior. It fueled your fantasies .Fueled … Well, in the beginning, it fuels this kind of … thought process. Then, at a certaintime, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something which is … almost aseparate entity inside. And that points you at the verge, I was at the verge of acting out on thiskind of fantasy. Now, I really want to understand that. You had gone about as far as you could go in your own fantasy life, with printed material, and you may … or printed and, video or films … Films… magazines … whatever. …and then there was the urge to take that little step, a big step over to a physical event. 4It happened in stages, gradually, it doesn’t necessarily – not to me, at least – happened over anight. My experience with, I’d say, pornography, generally, but with pornography that dealson a violent level with sexuality, is that … once you become addicted to it (and I look at thisas a kind of addiction) like other kinds of addiction, you keep … you keep looking for morepotent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Like an addiction, you keep cravingsomething which is harder, harder, something which … which … gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach the point where the pornography only goes so far, you reach that jumping off point where you begin to wonder if… if maybe actually doing it will give youthat which is just beyond reading about it and looking at it. How long did you stay at that point before you actually assaulted someone? Well, yeah, you see … hum. That is a very delicate point … in my own development, andwe’re talking about something … we’re talking about how to reach the point or a grey areathat surrounded that point … of, of course … …You don’t remember? How long … I would say … I would say a couple of years. And … What I was dealing there was … withvery strong inhibitions against criminal behavior or violent behavior, that had beenconditioned into me, bred into me in my environment, in my neighborhood, in my church,hum … in my school. Things that said “no, this is wrong”, I mean, even thinking of it iswrong, and certainly, to do it is wrong. And I’m on that edge, and the last … I might say, thevestiges of restraint, the barriers to actually doing something would being tested constantly,and assailed … through the kind of fantasy life that was fueled … largely … by pornography. Do you remember what pushed you over that edge? Well … Do you remember the decision to “go for it”? Do you remember where you decided to throwcaution to the wind? … Again … When you say “pushed”, I don’t want to … I know what you’re saying, and Idon’t want to … Yes, I understand … Again …. that I was some helpless kind of victim, and yet … we’re talking about an influencewhich … (that is the influence of violent … type of media and violent pornography), whichhad a … which was an indispensable link in the chain of behavior, the chain of events that ledto behaviors, to the assaults, to the murders and what … ( laugh )… It’s a very … difficultthing to describe … the … the sensation … of the … of reaching that point where you …where I knew … that … it was something as you would say that snapped, that I knew that Icouldn’t control it anymore. These barriers I’d been … that I had learned as a child, that had 5been instilled in me … were not enough to hold me back with respect to … seeking out andharming somebody. Would it be accurate to call that a frenzy, a sexual frenzy? Well … yes, that’s one way to describe it – a compulsion, a … building up of this destructiveenergy… Again … Another fact here I haven’t mentioned is the use of alcohol. What I thinkis … what alcohol did, in conjunction, let’s say, with my exposure to pornography, alcoholdid reduced my inhibitions, at the same time as … the fantasy life that was fueled withpornography … eroded them further. In your early days, you were nearly always about half drunk as you did these things … is that right? … Yes … yes … Was that always true? … I … I would say that that was generally the case … almost … [inaudible] If I can understand it now, there is this battle going on within. There are the conventions that you’ve been taught, there’s the right and wrong that you learned as a child, and there is this… this … unbridled passion … fueled by … your plunge into hardcore violent pornography. And those things are at war with each other .Yes … And then with the … alcohol diminishing the … the inhibitions … uh, you let go. Well … yes … you can summarize it that way, and that’s accurate, sir. And … it just occurredto me that … some people would say that, “I’ve seen that stuff and it doesn’t do anything tome!”. And I can understand that… I … Virtually, everyone … can be exposed to so-calledpornography, and well they’re aroused and… don’t do anything wrong. Well, addictions are like that: they affect people more than they affect others. But there is a percentage of people affected by hardcore pornography, in a very violent way, and you’reobviously one of them .That was major component, and I don’t know why I was vulnerable to it. All I know is that…that it … it had an impact on me … that was just so … central in the development of theviolent behavior that I engaged in. Ted, after you committed your first murder, what was the emotional effect on you? What happened in the days after that? … ( sigh ) … Again … please understand … that even … all these years later, it is verydifficult to talk about … Reliving it … through talking about it is difficult to say the least but 6I want you to understand what happened. It was like coming out of some kind of horribletrance or … or dream. I can only liken it to … after … (and I don’t want to overdramatize it)… to have been possessed by something so awful and alien, and then the next morning wakeup from it, remember what happened and realize that, basically, in the eyes of the law, andcertainly in the eyes of God, you’re responsible. And … To wake up in the morning andrealize what I had done in … with a clear mind, and all my essential moral and ethical …feelings intact at that moment … hum … absolutely … horrified that I was capable of …doing something like that. You really hadn’t known that before? Ha … ( laugh ) There is … absolutely … no way … to describe… First … the brutal … urge to do that kind of thing … and then … what happens is once it is more or less satisfied, and,receded you might say, or spent, like that sense, that kind of energy … at a level receded…and basically I became myself again. And I want people to understand this too … I’m notsaying this [inaudible], it is important that people understand this: that basically, I was a normal person . Uh … I wasn’t some guy hanging out in bars, or a bum. I wasn’t a pervert inthe sense that, you know, people look at somebody and say, “I know there’s something wrongwith him” and just tell! … I was essentially a normal person. I had good friends, I … led anormal life, except for this … one … small, but very potent and very destructive segment of itthat I kept very secret and very close to myself, and didn’t let anybody know about it. Andpart of the shocking horror for my dear friends and family when, years ago when I was firstarrested was … there was no clue!They looked at me, and they looked at the, you know, the average American boy, and I … Imean, I wasn’t perfect … I was okay , okay? I was … the basic humanity and basic spirit thatGod gave me was intact and … unfortunately became overwhelmed at times … and peopleneed to recognize … that it’s not some kind of … Those of us who are … who have been …so … much influenced by … violence … in the media, in particular, pornographic violence,are not some kinds of inherent monsters. We are your sons and we are your husbands and …we grew up in regular families, and pornography can reach in and snatch a kid out of anyhouse today… it snatched me out of my … it snatched me out of my home twenty-thirty yearsago. And as diligent as my parents were … and they were diligent in protecting their children… and as good a Christian home as we had, and we had a wonderful Christian home …There’s no protection against the kinds of influences that there are loose in the society thattolerates … Hum … … you feel this really deeply don’t you? … Ted, outside these walls, right now, thereare several hundred reporters … that wanted to talk to you … … Yeah … … And you asked me to come here from California because you had something you wanted tosay. This hour that we have together … is not just … an interview with a man who isscheduled to die tomorrow morning. I’m here, and you’re here, because of this message 7 you’re talking about right here. You really feel … that hardcore pornography, and the door toit, softcore pornography, is doing untold damage to other people and causing other women …to be abused and killed the way you did. Listen. I’m no social scientist, and I haven’t done a survey, I mean, I don’t pretend that Iknow what John Q. citizens [i.e. “man on the street”] think about this. But I’ve lived in prisonfor a long time now, and … I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence, just like me. And without exception , every one of them was deeply involved in pornography,without question , without exception , deeply influenced and consumed by an addiction topornography. There’s no question about it. The F.B.I.’s own study on serial homicide showsthat the most common interest among serial killers is pornography. That’s’ true. And it’s real! It’s true! Ted, what would your life … have been like … without that influence? … ( sigh ) … You can only speculate. Yeah … Well, I know it would have been far better ( laugh ) not just for me … and … it’s …( laugh ) excuse me for being so self-centered here, it would have been a lot far better for meand for a lot of other people, I know that, a lots of innocent other people - victims andfamilies. There would have been a lot better, there’s no question about that … that it wouldhave been a … a fuller life, a life that … would not have involved - I’m absolutely certain -would not have involved this kind of violence that I have been … that I have committed... I’m sure, Ted, if … If I were able to ask you the questions that are being asked out there … Mmmh … …one of the most important, as you come down to perhaps your final hours: “Are youthinking about all those victims out there and their families … … Well … … who are so wounded? You know, years later, their lives have not returned to normal, theywill never return to normal. Absolutely… Are you carrying that [inaudible], that way? Is there remorse there? … … Ha … Again… I know that people will accuse me of being self-serving, but we’rebeyond that now, I mean … I’m just telling you how I feel … but … through God’s help, I've 8been able to come to the point where I … … (much too late! but better late than never) … feel the hurt and the pain that I am responsible for … Yes absolutely! In the past few days, myself and a number of investigators have been … talking about unsolved cases … murders that Iwas involved in … and it’s hard to talk about all these years after because it revives me allthese terrible feelings, and those thoughts that I have … … steadfastly and … … diligentlydealt with, and I think successfully, with the love of God … and yet it’s reopened and I feel… and I felt the horror again and all that … and I can only hope … that … those who I haveharmed … those to whom I have caused so much grief … even if they don’t believe … my …expression of … sorrow, and remorse … will believe … what I’m saying now … that thereare loose in their towns in their communities … people, like me today … whose dangerousimpulses are being fueled, day in and day out … by violence in the media in its various forms- particularly the sexualized violence. And what scares me – and let’s come into the presentnow, because what I’m talking about happened thirty … twenty or thirty years ago, that is, inmy formative stages … And what scares me, Dr Dobson, is when I see what’s on cable T.V.( laugh )… some of the movies … I mean, some of the violence in the movies that come intohomes today, with stuff that they wouldn’t show in X-rated adult theatres 30 years ago. Thisstuff … … Is that slasher movies that you’re talking about? … that stuff is, I’m telling you from personal experience, the most graphic violence on screen,particularly as it gets into the home to children when they’ll be unattended or unaware thatthey may be a Ted Bundy who has that … that vulnerability, that predisposition to beinfluenced by that kind of behavior … by that kind of movie, by that kind of violence. Thereare kids sitting out there, switching the TV, dial around and come upon these movies late atnight … or I don’t know when they’re on, but they’re on! And they keep watching … it’sscary when I think what … would have happened to me if I had seen … that was scaryenough! Well I just ran to stuff outside the home … but … to know that children are watchingthat kind of thing today … or can pick up their phone and … dial a way for it or send a wayfor it … hum … Hum … can you help me understand this desensitization process that took place … What wasgoing on in your mind? Well that desensitization, I’d describe it … in specific terms is that … each time … I’d harmsomeone, each time I… killed someone … there had been an enormous amount… especiallyat first … enormous amount of horror, guilt, remorse afterwards, but … then … that impulseto do it again would come back even stronger … Now, believe me, I didn’t … the uniquething about how this worked, Dr Dobson, is that I still felt, in my regular life, the full range of … guilt and remorse about other things … and regret and … Do you had this compartmentalized … ? 9… This compartmentalized, very well focused … hum … very sharply focused area where I… it was … like a black hole … you know, it was like a crack, and everything that fell on thatcrack just disappeared … Does that make sense? Yeah it does … hum … One of the final murders you that committed in the course …apparently, was the little Kimberly Leach which was 12 years of age … hum ... I think the public outcry is greater there because an innocent child was taken from a playground. What did you feel after that? Was there … Were there the normal emotions three days … Wherewere you, Ted? I … … I can’t really talk about that right now. That’s … That’s too painful. I would like to … be able to convey … to you what that … that … experience is like, but Ican’t, I won’t be able to talk about that. Mmmh okay, okay… I can’t begin to understand … well, I can try … I’m ... aware that I can’t begin to understandthe pain … that … the parents of … these children that I have … and these young women thatI have harmed feel. And I can’t restore … really much to them, if anything. I won’t pretendto, and I don’t even expect them to forgive me. I’m not asking for it. That kind of forgivenessis of God; if they have it, they have it, and if they don’t, maybe they’ll find it someday. Do you deserve the punishment the state has inflicted upon you? ( laugh ) Haha … That’s a very good question. I’ll answer really honestly. I don’t want to die; Iwon’t kid you. I can’t kid you now! Hum … I deserve, certainly… the most extremepunishment … society has, and I deserve … And I think society deserves to be protectedfrom me and from others like me. That’s for sure. … I think … What I hope will come of ourdiscussion is I think society deserves to be protected from itself . Because, as we have beentalking, there are forces at loose in this country, particularly, again, this kind of violentpornography, … where, on the one hand, well-meaning descent people will condemn thebehavior of a Ted Bundy while they’re walking past a magazine rack full of the very kinds of things that send young kids down the road to be Ted Bundys. That’s the irony.We’re talking here, not just about … moral, what I’m talking about is to go beyondretribution, which is what … people want with me. Going beyond retribution and punishment.Because there is no way in the world that killing me is going to restore … those beautifulchildren to their parents and … correct and … soothe the pain. But I’ll tell you: there are lotsof other kids playing in streets around this country today who are going to be dead tomorrow,and the next day, and the next day and the next month, because other young people arereading the kinds of things and seeing the kinds of things that are available in the mediatoday. 10 Ted, as you imagine, there is tremendous cynicism about you on the outside, and I suppose, for good reason… Mmmh. I’m not sure there’s anything that you could say that people would … believe, that some people would believe … Yep! ...And yet you told me last night (and I have heard this through our mutual friend, JohnTanner) that you have … accepted the forgiveness of Jesus Christ and are a follower and believer in Him. Do you draw strength from that, as you approach these final hours? I do. I can’t say that being in the Valley of the Shadow of Death is something I’ve become allthat accustomed to, and that I’m strong and nothing’s bothering me. Listen, it’s no fun. … its… It gets kind of lonely, and yet … I have to remind myself that every one of us will gothrough this someday in one way or another… It’s appointed unto man. … and countless millions who have walked this earth before us have gone through this, sothis is just an experience which we all share Christianity is a joke. Like fiction. All of it. Very manipulative. So many cults and evil sects and denominations. Much destruction caused by the manipulative nature of this big cult. Christ must be evil rather than good.

We haven't seen any alien, yet.

An alien is probably doing something for their technological advancements. But it doesn't have to be mathematics. As Leo said you can create a model for the universe in an infinite number of ways. Life is relatively similar on Earth. Makes me wonder just how different an alien species would be.

I dont agree with this. Isn't it true that if an alien civilization were on the same technological level as us they would need to understand certain formulas? Of course an aliens wouldnt understand a human written formula. But how could you build a spaceship if you cant calculate the hypotenuse of a triangle? I agree that these models are not literally true but you would need to put reality into a certain model if you want to get the technological advancements, there seems no way around it. Mathematics has to be common ground to at least a degree.

Last year in january I engaged on a ayahuasca trip with a shaman who hosted free ayahuasca sessions at his home. The trip was quite hard, it consisted mostly of energetic suffering but after a certain point, redemption was attained, the trip became consistent with visions and insights and divine states of being. That shaman, wanted me to become an ayahuasca shaman as well, he gifted me with the necessary plant material to brew my own ayahuasca and he gifted 2 small bottles with ready-to-use ayahuasca enough for one extra as soon as I got home. As soon as I got home I was indeed quite excited to have one more trip of ayahuasca, it felt like I was on the tip of the divine, the edge of divine and sacred realms, I could go there and perhaps finally find the energy to open up my heart to cure my social anxiety which is at the root of my depression and empty-feeling life. I toke a normal dose, and because I had only just done an ayahuasca trip I worried that it wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too tolerant to the effects, I somehow compared mushrooms to ayahuasca, I was foolish, I knew that my past experiences with dmt proved that it was the opposite the more you do the less tolerant you get. In another way I felt brave, so I toke a normal dose and a half, 1.5 dosage The trip was the most horrible and difficult trip and difficult moment of my entire life,I couldn't have ever imagined that life could feel this vividly bad, I landed in pure hell, I was on the edge of killing myself save for having managed to call 2 friends in the middle of the night to come pick me up before I jumped into the city canal to end it all. During the trip I finally understood that one horror story, about that one guy in England or America who did drugs and ended up tripping so bad he ended up attacking his own girlfriend and eating her face up. I could comprehend how one could be so pushed so far, how volatile and organic madness could push one so far, in that moment I felt sad for that guy but the psychological hell of feeling like I'm drawing dangerously close to being able to do the same thing had me heading straight to the canal to kill myself. I had discovered my greatest fear and hell, it is not talking to girls, nor getting hurt physically, it is ending hurting someone else badly despite my own will. It was a matter of saving other people at that point of the trip. And that was only 3 hours into the trip, luckily my friends came over to pick me up, they were 2 strong lads and I could focus on making it through the trip without worrying that I'd end up hurting anyone, my physical body was in safe hands. I tripped the whole night hellishly, and the next day the trip continued with moderate to severe intensity till the end of the day. My advice for those who do ayahuasca, do it in daylight, you have more energy, both physically and mentally,especially in case the trip is hard, do it with multiple friends, so that you don't have to worry about your physical body, in the case that you lose absolute control you want morr then one person to be able to handle your physical body at its unconscious superstrength. It may not seem obvious at first, but its there in the back of your mind, you cannot let go fully if no one sober and trusted is watching your physical body. After that day my life changed forever, constant visual and energetic waves of tripping, in retrospect I've been tripping everyday for the past months. In variation to my activities, states of being, thoughts, meditation, perhaps this is enlightenment but I haven't really read in this forum or anywhere about people who encounter daily changes on the level of a moderate lsd experience everyday. Somewhere it feels my enlightemment is guiding me through this madness which really feels like one long non-stop ayahuasca trip, for the past months I had to quit about 3 jobs because I couldn't hold them down like this. I had to be mindless as much as possible most of the time, my own thoughts would send me tripping into bad places, only recently has it improved and I have effectively recuperated my mind. The city which used to change every few days visually is changing at a slower pace now. It is still impossible for me to be out at night, any activities being out at night in this city that I live in, friends or not, once its night time I lose all my energy, and if I push it I'm left with a depression that sends me on the borders of suicide. Night-time is deadly for me at this point I had social anxiety before, now I had periods where anxiety flared so much it was pure hell going to the supermarket doing groceries, passing by people on the streets I had to literally sometimes brace my abs so that I would not be swayed too much by the anxious event of a passing by someone that is walking in opposite direction of me, just to brace my own body, to keep control of my own walk, as if a train passed me by. Feeling people's emotions a thousand fold, great anger and a wide array of emotions let me get over my anxiety, which is good, except now I seem outlandishly confident, even alien and now it seems everywhere I go people notice me, but even worse some people fear me, or are intimidated. I know that I intimidate no one who's intentions are with love, these good souls don't fear me, throughout this ordeal I seem to be in harmony with life. I seem to be employed lately as a merciless reflection, a punisher of some sorts. Anyone with an ego, who thinks they are stronger then others, who measures others powers, when they meet me and measure my power they meet their own aggression right back at them pure and unfiltered. I know not what these people feel when they see me and try to measure me but I know it is now they who wobble when I pass them by, who can barely walk straight anymore,it is they who fear People start racing me by on the streets or weirdly almost charging at me, changing seats in public transport, trying to keep an eye on me, grown men, grown women, everyone with an ego gets it. And I would feel guilty, making people fear in the city, literally sweating in fear,I saw one guy and he looked like he thought I was about to murder him. I never wanted this I felt like a monster at times..but then I noticed the only people getting scared are the snobs, the intimidating tough guy type, the women and men with ego, who think they're somehow better then everyone else. Somewhere I feel it is people like them with selfish hearts who get on on having an advantage over others who have made it so hard for sensible timid souls like me to live on this earth. I never thought my light work would amount to this, breaking ego's of snobs and intimidators and judgers Well somewhere it feels good, like justice being delivered, these people only meet the violence and aggression that they project onto others. To measure someone' elses power is aggression, defense is offense, offense is defense Those who focus on being stronger then others, will meet the reflections thats coming to them That is how my enlightenment has evolved in an urban setting, hopefully my ayahuasca trip will slow down more and more till I can have a normal life again What has maintained my sanity through these months is no doubt the belief in love, life has let it presence and love be felt many times, for that I'm grateful

@Sven english is not my mother tongue not something i spoke already and i had to learn it does that count but about your question with alien language. nope. haven't had any experience like that... i guess even the word "alien" is relative to the native american - when Chris Columbus and his squad pulled in North America, the natives thought they were some other divine beings or something... spoke a different language, white skin etc to them, they were encountering aliens i know, you mean ET but wanted to say that. forget language, have you yourself encountered any alien or had any experience with a foreign ET entity?

Hi family of Truth, Any of you any experience with speaking an "alien" tongue? And by alien I mean a language which originated outside of the planet Earth? Also which you didn't speak already but you learned perhaps... Thanks, P.S The reason is asked is because of linked video.

I am running into a strange problem. Ever since starting personal development and actualizing myself, I have noticed that relationships don't work for me. Is this an actual problem that people can have, when they start growing and evolving as a person? I have been on this journey for about 10 years. In that time I have had 2 relationships. In both of them, I don't know how else to word this but I feel like I am too actualized for them. So I end up feeling like I should just be alone because having a boyfriend makes me feel like they can't relate to me so I end up dragging myself down to their level vibrationally and they start to feel like a toxic anchor to me. They have no knowledge or interest in the things I enjoy, they are stuck in the mode of "sitting around smoking weed watching video games and tv" EVERY weekend. My most recent boyfriend was an extreme example of this. That's all he did on weekends and that's all he wanted to do with me. I took him to a few spiritual music festivals that are life-changing for everyone that attends, but not him...he felt uncomfortable and left early and it caused a major rift between us and we ended up breaking up partly because of that. It really hurt me to end that relationship because he said I made him happier than he's ever been, and he was alone and depressed for 5 years before meeting me, all his other exes left him too so I felt guilty leaving him but I just knew it wasn't going to work with us being so different. Even when we were together, I still made plans for festivals and camping, and most of the time ended up going alone. I did more things alone than with him. When I would tell him about a new book I got, he wouldn't even ask me what it was about. When I would tell him I want to eat healthy, he would buy me pizza just so we could eat together. When he would come over and I'd have an educational documentary on, he would sit down and grab the remote and ask if I wanted to watch wrestling or some fictional tv show with a subject matter I couldn't have cared less about. My relationship before this last one was mostly the same way, he just wanted to sit and watch movies and tv shows, and when I would show him my arts and crafts stuff I was working on, he would laugh and not know what to say and it made me feel judged. He did go to music festivals with me but instead of using it as a spiritual experience, he would go just to do drugs and meet new people to do drugs with. I feel like no matter who i'm with, I am pretty much alone. Can anyone relate to this problem? I do want to be in a relationship but it seems like I am never happy in them because I am too "actualized" and end up feeling like they might as well be an alien because they are so different from me. It seems like most men are like this, not just ones I date but also male friends, my brother, etc. I feel like it's going to be a very lonely life for me if I can't find someone who is actually interested in making themselves a better person and has an interest in me making myself a better person.

elsewhere: a retrospective. I have finally made it to Elsewhere. Tomorrow, I will move out of my parent's place and into an intentional community focused on personal growth and connecting with nature. What will I discover? Who will I meet? What treasures will I unearth along the way? Tune in next week to find out! Jokes aside, this has been a hell of a year, both literally and figuratively. Let's copy/paste the bullet points from my first post on this topic and see what I have accomplished thus far (comments on each point in red): Issues: Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Spiritual ego is pretty much gone, but the feelings of unworthiness are still sneaking around. Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Much, much better. I'm finally "catching up." Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. All gone. Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. Not anymore. I'm okay with being weird. ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Almost completely gone. Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Still working on this one. I'm working towards a couple certificates that will potentially help me pay bills in the future. More on that in another post. Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. Posture is noticeably better. Back pain is still there, but much more bearable. Foam rolling and massage balls at night are helping, too. I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. I've been reaching out to people over the past few months, although I don't usually notice it when I do it. This will improve in the coming months. Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Still repressed, but much more acceptance of my sexual quirks. Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. I've met other twenty-somethings and like-minded people that meet my needs. Desires: I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am. Definitely feel more comfortable in my skin. Still working on the self-love thing. I'd say 40% improvement in this realm. I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. 30% improvement. I want to serve others. Will soon get a certificate that involves serving others. I want to feel joy again. Done. I want to find my place. I found a place. Just not sure if it's my place. I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. 15% improvement. Needs work. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. 65% improvement. MUCH better. I don't get lost in the youtube clickbait as much as I used to. In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. Sort of done. Again, those certificates will help me in the near future. I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Nope, still an alien. But definitely more in my body. Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I have a friend now! I'd like to try dating again at some point. Needs work. I want to live on my own again. Done. Phew. Another chapter of my life - done. I'm really leaving the nest this time. I'm a smorgasbord of excited, terrified, nervous, surrendered, incapable, and capable. On the edge of a diving board, waiting to jump into the chrome ooze from Super Mario 64, totally clueless of the outcome. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?

LWAM Season 1, episode 8 Hey The Black Eyed Peas! Three words can describe my current existence: Out and about. This summer was the exact opposite of last year's, which I spent mostly inside alone, meditating and contemplating about existence. I based my introversion on my sensitivity to the outside world and general disinterest in humans which, as it turns out, is just an exaggerated half truth based on fear. I had 3 main tasks: 1. Step out of my comfort zone. 2. Do things I haven't done before. 3 Meet new people. The end results were: not sleeping for 30 hours straight, sleeping at random places in public, getting constantly asked for drugs because it's peculiar to be so happy sober, playing at a kids' park, actually opening up to strangers, hooking up with said strangers, getting high with said strangers, getting random insights sporadically, complete loss of anxiety, dancing for 7 hours straight, being outside of my head for once and having constant THIS IS GOD moments. Few specific ones come to mind. I woke up from the world's most uncomfortable nap on a statue in Budapest, would not recommend btw, and saw a guy randomly doing yoga next to me. The timing of him doing the poses was impeccable and in his movements I saw God. I witnessed recovering addict's story and could feel his pain and the struggle he went through while also having the deep realization that all of that was God too, the rock bottom and the hopelessness that accompanied it were absolute perfection in a very brutal sense. I overslept and was running late to a train and had 12 minutes to run through the whole city to make it and while I was running like a maniac I had 2 thoughts. One was naturally:" I'm not going to make it" over and over again and the other was: it's startling I get to experience this, running like all hell, people looking at me like I'm insane whilst melting due to the hot weather. I can't believe this is happening. I know this is God! At a festival a guy stood up in front of the stage and started to cry while having the biggest smile on his face and the sun started to come out and I teared up with him because it was so beautiful. When I was done dad dancing at a club and started to observe people, it felt very strange to watch them. It felt as though I saw humans for the very first time and got this unshakeable feeling like I was on an alien planet. This human mask we wear was seen through as a facade and it was the funniest thing ever. My best friend broke up with me. The pain I felt seemed almost comforting, sadness different. Usually I'd go down a suicidal rabbit hole, reinforcing old beliefs about people, bringing back trust issues, but for the first time that didn't happen. There was a deep knowing that all the memories we shared and the love I had for her and the loss I experienced were the same thing-God. I used to be so afraid of interaction and rejection, but now I see engaging with people worth it, no matter what the outcome ends up being. This has been a shock therapy of sensations, emotions and people and even though I feel tired, I'm very grateful for the glorious lessons I would otherwise miss out on if I hadn't gone outside. End credits: See the lord and all the mouths he feeds Let it roll among the weeds Let it roll Directed by an exhausted ex misanthrope.

@Viking is it possible you are struggling with vocabulary? I know that if I ever read a good book I'm often looking up definitions. I have mild dyslexia and one thing that happens to me when reading a sentence is that I'll read half of the sentence and be very confused, but then after finishing the sentence and paying attention to the position of commas the sentence will make sense. The pauses you take and the specific chunks of words you take in at a given moment in time when reading a sentence can distort meaning, and I've often found myself falling for this trap. It's impossible to avoid this trap completely as it is the case that sentences can have two very slightly different, yet equally valid, meanings depending on your interpretation. However, this difference should be small. Another thing that bear in mind is that complicated words don't make the message of a sentence that much more complex than the type of sentence used in day to day life. I've been reading a maths book "set theory and logic" recently (it has lots of verbal commentary) and I've found that sentences which have a simple meaning can be worded in unfamiliar ways such that they feel alien and unnatural to read at times. All this type of stuff gets better with practice. If dyslexics can find a way to read so can you.

@CreamCat the way I see it all possibilities are true what gives it truth is merely your belief in it there are those who belief humans were placed on earth from a different planet as slaves to cultivate Gold for them and then overtime, we gained knowledge and freedom from our alien masters and now live here on earth as our home another theory is that of the science of evolution with the life evolving on earth then there is the theory from the bible/quran/religions about adam/eve being placed on earth as the 1st pair of humans and life went on from there ALL ARE POSSIBLE IN ABSOLUTE INFINITY and what gives reality to one out of the these 3 or heck, 100s more theories is mere your belief in it! that's just it so what david ick says, sure it's possible, what someone else says, that too is possible it's all pick and choose really Mandela effect a great way to see this happen at one point in time, the earth was believed to be flat (heck, even now in 2018 many of the people online believe in it, comment about it, 1000s of videos about flat earth) those people have their reasons for believiing in it. a flat earth is also possible in aboslute infinnty. they have models explaining how it can work with a flat earth anyhow. yolo.