I'm not sure why I'm posting this exactly. I'm fairly new to this and I'm sure I have nothing to add you all haven't heard before. It was pretty interesting to me though lol. I don't know if their is any truth to this or if It was just some kind of expanded ego state? Whatever that even means... I guess I don't really know anything for sure anymore.
I took 3.5 grams of mushrooms. I was very nervous and shaky before I took them. It took me 45 minutes to work up the courage to just take them. I felt fine during the come up, just a little nervous.
I found myself becoming what I can best describe as some kind of hyper dimensional soup. I couldn’t tell you when or how the transition happened. If something like this picture (see attachments) was alive and self aware. Able to mix and unmix itself in any dimension. Only way way weirder than it sounds. This was so alien and whacked out I couldn’t even be afraid. I was just there experiencing more like a state of shock and confusion but not really in a bad way. It was just too strange and mesmerizing to be negative.
At some point the soupy experience began to fade and I was more aware of the room I was in. I also by this point had gone insane. It’s strange because I knew I had taken mushrooms and I knew that they had made me insane. I also knew that everything happening was temporary. Every experience is temporary. Even if I was in hell it couldn’t last forever. So again there was no real fear or panic. Just a strange fascination with the situation. To be the witness of your own insanity is quite the thing. It was like I realized paradoxes about my own existence/reality and then fell through them. Like realizing a strange loop and then becoming stuck in it. Experiencing something like the following picture in a kind of looping eternal moment.
I can’t really describe what it was like any better even to myself. I have a sense that If I could fully remember what it was like I would still be insane right now and unable to describe it anyway. If I could fully re-realize the paradoxes I would be stuck in them again. I don’t know that for sure though maybe I just can’t remember. It was like remembering something I had forgotten on purpose. My wife told me at one point I was asking why I took them. “Why did I do this to myself”? I was staring at the wall and started gasping loudly in shock and them calmly said “oh that’s why, to remember”. The eeriest thing about all of this was the strong sense of dejavu I had.
I will try as best as I can to explain this but it’s going to be a nonsensical mess. At some point the insanity was subsiding and things were becoming more cohesive again. I was in the room and in my body but I noticed that “Matt” wasn’t there. There was no center anymore. There were no more thoughts. Just this rock solid immovable presence encompassing the whole room and everything in it including “my” body. Like I had become a perfect mirror mirroring itself. I could “see” my own reflection in everything. Normally you think of your skin as the barrier between you and the world. Like your sense of self starts in your head and extends to the limits of your body. Now my sense of self had extended beyond the body and into the rest of the room. My body had become the whole room. Normally just sitting here you aren’t aware of lets say your feet. But if you stop and focus on them you can sense an energy or presence to them. If you put your awareness on them you can feel their existence. It was like my “awareness muscle” had been ratcheted up a few degrees and I could take in much more than usual. I was having simultaneous sensations of being the body, the air, the walls and other “inanimate” objects. I was fully in everything, fully alive and conscious but at the same time not any one thing in particular. It felt like perfection, like time and space was something I made up, like I was in the center of infinity. Like it was way too good to be true. Like pure happiness. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where, when, why, or how I am. I only know that I am. I am this presence. I am right now forever. I am the nothing that is everything. It seemed like the most obvious thing ever. At one point I took my clothes off and was dancing around the room. Then I calmed down and sat quietly with this peace for maybe an hour before I came back to my normal senses, just taking it in and grinning ear to ear.
Lets say you are looking at the picture of this landscape and you realize all you are really looking at is pixels on a screen. There is actual no separation between anything in the image. There isn’t a tree over here and a person over there, just the appearance of it. The screen is one just one solid object. The pixels have the potential to display an infinite number of images and this landscape is just one finite example of those. The pixels are nothing yet they are what everything is made out of.
Now lets say you are the person in this picture and you realize that what you actually are is just pixels on a screen. You realize that “you” don’t really exist. “You” are just an image or an idea. There is no person, no tree, no water. There is only infinite pixels taking on different appearances and you are that. There is only this one presence taking on different appearances. There is only this and this is nothing and everything and everyone. This presence is the only actor on this stage and it’s playing all the parts at once. I am literally you and you are literally me and we are literally nothing. Reality is ONE thing/nothing. Your ego is just a character, a story, just memory and imagination, just repeating thought patterns. Your ego is just a thought. You are what the thoughts are appearing in and the thoughts are at the same time made out what you are. Your ego is the clouds, your true identity is the sky.
What did I take away from this practically? This experience has pretty much evaporated my depression overnight. Nothing in my life has changed except for me. I understand how irrelevant all my bullshit and suffering is. How I feel about something has nothing to do with what actually is. I am only just fighting with myself internally. I can either accept a situation, calmly take steps to change a “bad” situation, or accept that I can’t change it. Everything else is madness. You can look at a child crying because they got the wrong mcdonalds toy. From your perspective you understand how silly and pointless it is but the child thinks it’s the only thing that matters. You understand that this toy won’t even matter to the child a minute from now. Ego is a whining selfish child. Ego is a kind of insanity Just let it go.
