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It gets tiring sometimes. I understand. But it gets better. No matter what you think in the low, it does get better. Don't be a selfish asshat. That "easy" fix totally fucks over everyone you know. You might think that your existence is a drag to them, but you don't consider how much worse it makes things for everyone around you. Even people who you may not think care, actually do care and will be negatively affected by your taking the "easy" way out. Your perspective is unbelievably limited right now Your ego is clouding what you think of as reality and your number of options. I know because I was once like this and I eventually gained enough perspective to see myself out of it. I wish my previous version would understand that. Listen, you absolutely positively always have other choices. You are always able to respond to whatever comes to you in life. That's what it means to take responsibility. Even if someone mugged you and held a gun to your head and said "you have no choice other than to sit there while I shoot you" you still have a responsibility and a choice for what to do next. Take fucking 100% responsibility for your life and improve it. No one is holding you down other than an imagined version of yourself. Williams James had a life story far more pathetic than yours -- whatever yours is -- and as a result, he got himself severely depressed. When he was about to kill himself, he decided to take 100% responsibility for everything in his life for the next year, and if that didn't work, then he would kill himself. What happened with his experiment? He became the best psychologist of the past 200 years. Don't we all. You imagine there is peace waiting for you there in death, but you act like there is no possibility for peace here now. The peace? It's there for you right now, but it's not what you think of it. Look, man. Look! If you're so desperate for killing yourself why don't you become desperate for something like finding help? Put the depressive energy to good use. It doesn't necessarily take 10 years to feel better. Nor one year. Nor, technically, even 3 months. I've been in a position similar to yours plenty of times and plenty of times it's only taken one or two key moments to feel better. (Note: and if you're reading that and thinking "oh well if you snapped out, it must have not been that bad for you so you don't understand" - then fuck you - it's pretty bad when you have an entire bottle full of oxycontin held to your mouth and notes to loved ones written out. According to some multiverse theories, there's probably another universe where I'm dead. And more important, let's not get into a "who's more depressive" pissing contest where everyone loses.) A permanent solution like suicide is well, permanent and you don't even know whether it will work to solve your problems. 99% of suicide jumpers who have survived high falls say they regretted it. As one writes: “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.” Also, I want you to know that in the future, this worst moment of life will be your best moment. I'm not kidding - if you make it through this it will be one of the life-defining moments for you. When you are an old man, you will look back and smile at this time. I'm not going to bullshit you and say it will all be rainbows and field of flowers - you will have to go through more stuff - but still this is an amazing chance for you to pull yourself to the next level. Overall: You have three options here -- you can kill yourself physically, you can sit there miserably doing nothing, or you can kill your "self" by taking responsibility and getting psychological help. The last option is the best one by far. How about you decide to do absolutely positively everything in your power to reach enlightenment and then, if you are enlightened and you still hate life, then you can kill yourself with whatever means you'd like? That way you know for sure that you gave it your all and you can die with a smile and no regret.

You deserve a peaceful and happy life, what's wrong? Why do you want to kill yourself? http://www.spsamerica.org/considering-suicide

I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of this. I'm tired of existing. I don't want to feel any more pain. Gunshot to the head seems like a easy fix. Sucks to feel this way. But I don't see any other choice. I don't want to go though the stuggle of rebuilding my shitty life. I'm just done. I want to not be "me". I want to simply have peace... And I don't want to wait 10 years or whatever meditating to try to get there. Fuck

Death is not ugly, death is beautiful. But death is beautiful only for those who have lived their life unhindered, uninhibited, unsuppressed. Death is beautiful only for those who have lived their life beautifully, who have not been afraid to live, who have been courageous to live – who loved, who danced, who celebrated. Death becomes the ultimate celebration if your life is a celebration. Let me tell you in this way: whatsoever your life is, death reveals only that. If you have been miserable in life, death reveals misery. Death is a great revealer. If you have been happy in your life, death reveals happiness. If a person lives his life without any fear, authentically, spontaneously, death will not create any fear in him, not at all. In fact, death will come as a great rest. Death will come as the ultimate flowering of life. He will be able to enjoy death too; he will be able to celebrate death too. And remember, that is the criterion. If a person can enjoy and celebrate his death, that shows he has lived rightly; there is no other criterion. Your death will prove how you have lived. Death is the culmination of life, the ultimate blossoming of life. In death the whole life is summed up, in death you arrive. excerpts from Osho talks I have been in favor of euthanasia, that people after a certain age, if they feel that they don’t have any reason to live, should not be forced to commit suicide, but they should be provided in nursing homes or hospitals with at least one month of rest, a peaceful atmosphere and a help to meditation, care of their body by the doctors. And one month’s time so their friends can meet them, faraway people can come and see them, and they can learn how to be silent, how to be peaceful, how to die with awareness. That is not suicide. Only one religion, Jainism, has accepted it for almost ten thousand years. They call it santhara. They don’t call it suicide. Santhara simply means a man has become ripe; just as a fruit becomes ripe and falls from a tree, a man has become ripe, has no need to live in the world. He has experienced all that the world provides and now to go on living seems to be unnecessarily troublesome for himself and for others. He should be allowed to leave his body. That is the only spiritual philosophy which gives euthanasia a validity. And I also feel it is valid. It should be man’s birthright – but not that a young man wants to die because his girlfriend has gone with somebody else. That will not be enough for euthanasia. That simply means he has to find another girlfriend. When there is no reason, no complaint, no grudge, no grumbling, if one is not against life, one simply finds that all that has to be lived has been lived – now what are you doing here? Up to now society has been forcing such people to commit suicide, which is ugly. And the responsibility is of the society because the society does not provide proper means for a man to have a beautiful death. I am in favor of beautifying everything – death included. The Transmission of the Lamp ~ Osho

On a related note this is why I plan on ending my life in old age with a psychedelic and nembutal. It will be the most beautiful painless way to go. And it just might release me from the samsara the cycle of death and rebirth. And if not that it would likely release me from negative karma. The meditating religions of the world stress the importance of having a good peaceful death, so much so that some of them even recommend one commit suicide (Sallekhana among others) in order to prevent the body from gaining a ravaging disease and messing up their transition to the afterlife.

@Lai Some people take drugs and end up in psyche wards or even committing suicide. Some people take drugs and it aids in releasing them from depression, anxiety, neurotic behaviors, etc. It's up to you. You're underestimating the power of your mind. Look around, that's you. I don't pretend to be responsible for anyone here. I couldn't choose for them even if I wanted to, and why would I want to? Why is it that you want to?

There are people who suicide, there are people who are in mad houses, and everyone in the end face death. But those who have never experienced meditation don't choose this kind of life style. When Gautama Buddha, a prince ,became a mystic , he was not in a trouble still he was tremendously intelligent that he realized that suffering in mundane life is inevitable. Most of the people who give up hope too quickly , drop out from the path of mystic very soon. Those who have seen futility of all hopes, those who have realized that whatever you do , it will bring misery in the end, those who know that no success can bring contentment, those who give up their hopelessness and hope both, are able to know ultimate mystery of life, they are the blessed ones.

@Steph1988 I was responding to Captain Flint question, "Can you provide a way to experience samadhi?". That was path of a mystic. If you just do meditations and nothing else that is like preparing and preparing and never going to the examination. The test has to be there every day - one hour meditation, twenty-three hours test. And you will grow strong. Responsibilities have to be fulfilled - fulfilled with great joy. Your wife, your children, your parents, your old father, your old mother, they need you. That is where god has put you - into a certain responsibility. If you are disillusioned, if you are hopeless, if you have completely become aware of the futility of all desires, if you see your life as meaningless – whatsoever you have been doing up to now has simply fallen dead nothing remains in the future, you are in absolute despair. If you are in anguish, suffering, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, not knowing to whom to look, just on the verge of madness or suicide or death, your whole pattern of life suddenly has become futile. If the moment has come where you feel that all directions have become confused, all roads have disappeared; the future is dark, and every desire has become bitter, and through every desire you have known only disappointment; all movement into hopes and dreams has ceased. Sometimes you feel hopeless, but that hopelessness is not true. You feel hopeless because certain hopes have not been achieved, certain hopes have fallen. But hoping is still there: hoping has not fallen. You will still hope. You are dissatisfied with this hope, that hope, but you are not dissatisfied with hope as such. If with hope as such you are disappointed, the moment has come and then you can enter 'path of a mystic'.

Lorenna pointed to something that answers your question. That is, the bad stuff, such as embarrassment (or any other fear based experiences) get remembered more easily for most. The reason is that the ego-self only wants validation for, and not losing, self-esteem. The mind remembers what to avoid. Yet it can be very irrational because it governs what to avoid by feelings and not necessarily by logic. That is why some people commit suicide over emotional pain, which will pass in time. The ego wants to stop the emotional pain at all costs, even willing to die (though the ego does not even exist except in the mind. So what the ego censors to remember or kept hidden can be a tricky thing to understand. In regards to drinking, or getting drunk, there is a matter of short term memory loss. Alcohol effects the brain's capacity to store memory. So if a person drinks too much they can experience what some call 'blackouts'. These are extremely short memory loss, where anything new does not get recorded in memory. But that same person can run on memory stored from the past. Example: a drunk person, driving a car, finds themselves at a place but cannot remember how they got there. They used past memory of how to drive a car, but the actual journey from one moment to the next has not been recorded. Note: there are many people in goal due to drunken blackouts (like hit-and-run incidences). Other seemingly lost memory is not really lost as such. It may be still there in memory but takes a longer time to re-assemble. Memories are quasi. They are like a scar. Some are deep and easily recalled, others are fine and hard to find. Though if one keeps finding a memory the scar gets deeper and easier to recall. Also memory recall works by association. Each associated bit is like a piece to a jigsaw. As we try to remember something, the mind assembles associated pieces to form a memory / story but not necessarily exactly how it was first experienced. That is why witnesses to a crime recall the same story in a different way. Memory is quasi and what it recalls is not necessarily so. Hope this has helped you to understand what you are looking for.

Ekhart Tolle sought till the brink of suicide. So that should give you a good idea of how much effort this process demands. I'm not here to be ideological. What I say, I say for pragmatic purposes, to guide people, anticipating common traps. The most dangerous idea they can get is that they will reach enlightenment by continuing their lazy, unconscious way of life, hoping to mirror Ekhart Tolle's 1 in a billion instant enlightenment. That is a totally invalid strategy. Not based on my ideology, but based on simple common sense pragmatics. Seeking tends to auto-correct. Non-seeking rarely does. As evidenced by 7 billion non-seeking, unenlightened people. This is not about Leo. This is simply about laying out the raw facts of the spiritual path and what it takes to get shit done. The overwhelming problem is that people fail to get it done. If 90% of people were getting it done, I wouldn't be writing so forcefully. The reality is that less than 1% will get it done. Don't worry about me, I will get it done. My cause isn't just to get myself enlightened. I have bigger plans. If you feel that's egotisical, well... that's your projection. I know my cause and what the universe wants me to do. I'm not gonna wait for my own enlightenment to help others. You have to understand that everything you know, absolutely everything, including physical space, is a mental construction. You have to appreciate how brutally significant this is. It means that the distinction you make between physical/non-physical, real/unreal is a construction! Which means -- when you realize this -- that you will physically die! Enlightenment is equivalent to physical death from the ego's point of view. Not just psychological death, but physical death. Because you will cease to exist as a physical object. Because you will realize that physical objects are illusions. This is why it's so difficult. Everything you think of as solid physical reality will unravel like a cheap sweater, and so will your physical body and brain. The body, the brain, the mind, you, other people, life, sentience, language, physics, chemistry, history, morality, mathematics -- all of these things are totally unreal. This is a very radical thing we're talking about. It's nothing short of annihilating reality. To complete this enlightenment processes fully means the body will remain, but you will be dead inside. Because there will no longer be an inside! The idea of "an inside" will die. It never existed in the first place. You merely assumed it. And as you should know by now, assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Don't worry too much about it though, your death is the most beautiful thing that could possibly happen. P.S. Did you really think you could become immortal without dying? This enlightenment thing is good, but it's not THAT good. You gotta pay the ultimate price. Your head has to go on the chopping-block. Yes, it boosts self-inquiry enormously, as I have said many times. I use exactly the technique as I say in the video. Don't make it complicated. It's a very simple technique. You just have to discipline yourself to do it. And it's not even that difficult to start.

Name: Matthew Shepherd Age: 22 Gender: Male Location: Hungary, Szeged Occupation: Network -Computer administration, Library IT. Marital Status: long distance relationship Kids: No Hobbies: enlightenment, meditation, personal development, reading, learning, nature, healthy eating, Streaming, Technical support on game clients I faced several suicide attempts in my life. Once I almost killed myself. I became a nihilist because lack of willpower, bad relationships, lack of tolerance of other people. I played the victim and made so much excuses. Stucked in theory of nihilism. My healing proccess from depression took 1.5 years with antidepressants and tons of xanax... It was just pure poison to my mind. I found this forum and the youtube channel a month ago. I learned so much and claryfied my purpose in life. I had so much hatred againts the world and filtered everything with a negative perspective but Leo's videos gave me a rational answer and his practical psychology seems to work. I do meditation and inner and outer sense practice plus concentracion practice everyday. Its only 1 hour but work wonders. I wish I was taught this in school. Sorry for my grammar mistakes. Personal challenges I've overcome: Defeated depression Find the right path Cleaned or at least started to clean up my diet Started university No more hate againts the world and people. Gave up living in a false theory started to be more pragmatic and results maker What I'm working on now: Working on enlightenment (reading books from Leo's list, building up habits) Working on improving my health & diet Working on being more authentic in relating to others Working on my relationship( how to avoid needeness , jelaousy and be honest) Self-mastery Become a non-neurotic person

All negative emotions stems from the lack of understanding of who you really are. Take anger, why would you be anger at anything ? If a situation happens, it happens, ends of the story. If someone acts as an asshole, he's acting as an asshole because he's one, ends of the story. The only reason why you can feel anger is because you reject the present moment as it is, and would want something else, but it can't be, what happens now is what you get, no matter how much you would like something else. Jealousy is a funny one. If it's about material success like money, possessions and status, or even physical appareance, it's all about the fact that you really don't get how and why happiness can only come from the inside out. External success is hollow, it if was a real thing, there wouldn't be so much suicide and drug users among hollywood stars, and there wouldn't be that many scandals about CEO/Politicians being total jerks either. It's really easy to see that it's stupid, you just need to take a day off and doing nothing else than walking in a forest, and meditate/being aware in total silence, see how much happier over any of your typical habits you can experience with absolutely nothing. Not so many people can experience that though, first the idea seems silly, and even if they do it, they'll experience heavy loneliness/anguish and their monkey mind won't even let them enjoy a minute of silence. If it jealousy about your bf/gf, it's very similar to what I talked above, because what you call a relationship is actually a "property game", not a real relationship. There can't be any jealousy in an authentic relationship, because both people aren't needy and let the other be totally free. That doesn't mean you can't agree on some boundaries (sex exclusivity or not, intimacy exclusivity or not), but once they are set, you really don't give a shit about what your partner do when you're not together. Sadness, well sadness is mostly related by the denial of the present moment. Of course if some of your relatives/close friends dies, you will be sad (you can't prevent attachement, except if you're enlightened), but every other "reasons" to be sad are self-created. There is no reason to be sad about anything, the only reason you could be sad about something is if you thought it would make you happy (nothing can except yourself), or that you thought it was a part of your identity (which doesn't even exist).

Don't assume anything about the states of higher consciousness, you can't know about them by reading or viewing videos, unless you experience , you can't know. When you are awakened, your memories are not lost but you don't identify yourself with them , you remain witness to them, you don't judge them. Then memories don't disturb you. If past memories can disturb your serenity then you are not awakened. Don't think that only you have suffered in the past and your miseries are greater. My childhood was very horrible , my elder brother committed suicide but I managed to survive. Now my past can't make me miserable.

@Annetta Teal is very metaphorical, you have to remember that. And her background doesn't really matter. Can you find any existential evidence that her background exists? Or yours? Youre basing your answer based on a fantasy that doesn't even exist? There are flaws with Teal, but she has a lot of amazing content. The 2 people in the video criticizing her, are clearly stuck in a paradigm. Particularly one where death is seen as demonic(why is death demonic?) and one where your imaginary background matters. Leo said 2 years ago that he had just begun his enlightenment journey, and even though he had just begun, he would teach spirituality to people. Reason is because of his lack of experience, he would resonate with people of the same frequency, and people would understand his teachings a lot better than Echkart Tolle. Life contradicts and overlaps in many different ways. Sometimes credentials matter, sometimes they don't. When Teal said that her patient should commit suicide, because she wanted to, that makes a lot of sense to me. I wouldn't advocate it, but there's no universal standards on what your opinions on death are. Favoring condemnation of suicide over advocating it as if its some universal law, is no different to ISIS wanting to kill everyone for their imaginary god. Funny thing is that, the 2 in the video say that people who follow Teal are ideological crusaders(which some are), yet they can't even see that they too are ideological crusaders, holding the belief that death is evil, that credentials matter, that judging other people's teachings is a good thing, that there's only one way to do spirituality(and its their way) that contradictions exist, that she is being literal when she says that she is an enlightened guru, that and a billion other things. Those 2 in the video are as sucked in by Satan as Teal is, yet they are sucked in by society's standards, and not Teal's standards.

Notice what's happening here. You've undertaken a path to eliminate the "I", and yet you're sitting there worried about how not having an "I" will not be good for you. OF COURSE it's not good for you! It's suicide for you. Literally. What if you already were crazy and now that you've finally started to become sane, your craziness was so deep that it is telling you that sanity is craziness, and vice versa? You deny that you already were crazy, yet isn't that exactly what a crazy person would think?

@TJ Reeves Thanks a lot. Only had a flick through but this paragraph definitely stood out. "We have much to learn in terms of what separates the founder of a soup kitchen or a home for lepers from a suicide bomber; however, the uncomfortable truth is that there is a dimension in which they are similar: devotion to a cause or purpose beyond the self"

234th day: Challenge (71 days) I can hold my fingers way further down. It feels good. Head is about 7-12 centimeters above knees, I am better when sitting down. I need to use chairs for side split, not that I would be so good but its simply otherwise difficult to practice it. CZC I did not do anything in particular though I realised how many people greet me back when I run for example, not other teenagers though. I realised that there are some challenges that are simply "kill level" some things that would be best for hard core nightmare. Math I am just practicing some math. In today's test I got 97/100 points. I lost the three because I did not provide sufficient explanation, thats important too. I am wondering what will happen when I return to Czech and we learn what I already learned here or in Khan Academy. I guess I will have to bringing my own work. In this sense there is nowhere to run because school will at some point provide the stuff especially if I want to go to University to study physics. I stopped watching all Khan Academy videos because I can do it a bit faster. I focus more on practising and moving onwards. I also really like to write on paper the symbol for integral, its so elegant! My papers where I do math and physics are quite full but I do not want to use new ones so I will continue to just fill them up, I like to do it if I first write with pencil and then with pen I can basically make two layers, thats cool. Diabolo I improved quite a lot. I can start vertax now and I even started to learn tricks like: infinite suicide or genocide. Its fun just to go out that do that for half an hour. Running I was running out again today. I was a bit slower than yesterday but I found out nice way where I can run on grass (not so bad for knees). Repeating thoughts Today thanks to @JKG and her very brave idea () I realised something about my pattern of thoughts. It started with me getting to know rationality and also as I later realised, with something me and my sister were doing. Every time when it was some "nice" time like: 11:11 or 12:34 she would say "Wish something its eleven eleven". I did that for fun and then after some time I realised that my wishes are limited and that I do not think big enough.. I wished for something small to happen that was in my mind at that moment. Then the only wish that I started to use was "I wish for universal peace". Now this way of thinking is stuck with me and might blind me to other perspectives (as always). For example when I wonder what would be the perfect day I take it to extremes and say that in that day everybody would get enlightened and there would be no wars etc. The thing is though that I wish this only in the "rational way" and not really listening to what I would want even if it would something smaller. Also there is lot of showing off included which makes it less authentic. Dragallur

@Leo Gura Like I said, reality seems hazy. It's causing a lack in motivation for everything (though I continue to maintain my meditation practice). I don't feel love for others or for myself really. I don't feel connected to any other people. I don't really see the reason to keep living (though I don't contemplate suicide). I guess I look at enlightenment as the only way for me to get fulfillment again. But from what I understand enlightenment shouldn't be something you actively strive for.

@Socrates I feel you man and I don't know if they'll ever clarify it for you or even attempt it. @eskwire lol, besides the snark and the strange opinions you seem to have about how I operate, those are interesting questions! Yay, we're talking about real life finally But, a couple clarifications first. "Eradication of evil" is a primitive focus that's reactionary and extreme in my opinion (no offense, but you asked for my view). You don't destroy evil, you build harmony and stability through the evolution of our capacities, which gives people the choice and the capability to choose something better then evil. Rather than focusing on eradicating one thing, we instead focus on building and developing a whole host of foundational elements that branch out and interconnect with each other and depend on each other for the capability needed to consistently choose and maintain better options then "evil" even in the face of intense stress and scarcity. Basically you outgrow "evil", just like a person can outgrow depression and other issues. Second thing, YOUR plan (not everyone's plan) to "get liberated" and "eliminate evil within yourself" has not been clearly explained, especially when it comes to its actual application in the face of intense stress and scarcity. The scope of this life strategy always seems to fail in addressing this side of life and is a big part of why Socrates started this thread in the first place. This view, this strategy will not gain acceptance from skeptics if it can't hold up to a basic stress test. But anyways, my plan revolves around those foundational elements I briefly mentioned above and their actual application in real life. Building the capacities and adaptations for each element, mapping out their inter-connections, harmonizing their points of conflict and incoherence, and expressing or channeling that goldilocks zone of inter-connectivity in a way that protects potentiality and integrity while cascading along the five realms of health, choice, capability, expression, and connection. I've been working my ass off in that respect for over a decade and have achieved some pretty amazing things for myself and others. Things that I share and give to others in not just my radio show, but in workshops, retreats, one-on-one sessions, and more informal interactions. Plus, my writings, articles, books, and videos I'm working on. There are many people who I've helped that have experienced immense healing and change. People suffering from sexual abuse, depression, mental and emotional trauma, relationship issues, identity issues, masculine and feminine balance, fear, loneliness, suicide... you have no idea of how much time and energy my wife and I devote to helping people heal and empower themselves. And not just from a distance, but actually inviting people into our home or stepping into tumultuous situations to help people when things are hard and messy. We do our work in the trenches and the mud of real life and people are grateful for it and tell us how we keep their hope alive about love being real and dreams being achievable because we live and hurt and heal and grow honestly. We touch all sides of life, the brutal and the beautiful and we succeed, no matter the pressure or difficulty. I do all this while still working a full time job and using my abundance from my success in that job to provide a home and aid for people who need my support. I don't just sit here and isolate myself, disparaging people like some armchair quarterback or backseat driver. I risk myself and invest and apply effort. Making things better. So yup, if you have any other questions just ask, the plan is huge and multi-faceted and always evolving. It has to be, because it aims to encompass the harmonization of all aspects of humanity and the world around us. @aryberry You seem to assume that I'm overly attached to the concepts of good and evil, when I'm not. I'm focused on the actions and consequences and pressures that drove life before those words even existed. Being blind or unseeing of the concepts of good and evil don't change those fundamental issues. Can you handle a scarcity of resources and the pressure of that scarcity to such a degree that you can still cooperate and not exploit others around you? Can you handle rejection from another person and not retaliate? Can you handle your desires for energy, procreation, and expansion without harming those around you? Can you give as much as you take? Are people and the world happier, healthier, and more energized around you? Can you protect those beings who are newly arrived to the physical realm and depend on the shelter of others to grow enough to contribute and care for themselves? Can you handle the fact that human beings are still evolving and still carry "flaws" or vulnerabilities that must be balanced, developed, and harmonized? Each of these questions come with conditions and stresses that must be faced and adapted to, that do not happen just by being blind or un-seeing to the concepts of good and evil. They don't automatically come from sitting and meditating all day or experiencing moments where everything is undifferentiated everything. There is a process that includes more than the dropping of concepts. It requires action and involvement and many other things. Not passivity and isolation. @Scholar Not liking or not wanting something is a poor definition of evil in my view. Life is more dynamic then that. Just because I don't like the thought of eating brussel sprouts right now does not make them evil. It sounds like your mistaking the feeling of repulsion for evil Also, feelings are signals and a form of communication, they have a reason for they way they act and express and can be pretty damn coherent if harmonized with. Like their really good with describing distance, contrast, intensity, and when you can read the mixtures within feelings, and the different layers and nuances, things can really get cooking. Pressure, flow, composition, contrast, captivation, distance, direction... I read all that stuff like braille within my body. It's pretty damn peaceful within my body to be honest. But, that's because I have a great connection with my feelings and a high degree of communication and mutual cooperation with them.

@MiracleMan Hi. here is a diagnostic criteria for major depression. If you find that you fit into this criteria (by honest) I would make an appointment to see a doctor. The doctor may recommend a referral to a psychiatrist who will help you to manage it. This is important, because your thread title "Wishing for an end" may also suggest a wish for suicide. Such suggestions point to what might be coming around the corner. I strongly suggest you seek professional help.

@Dead_Mouse I guess not disappoint my family..this is what kept me away from commiting suicide.

@Ryan_047 I understand your pain. Its feels so much easier to just commit suicide then and there. You really need a distraction. Otherwise your mind will trick you into thinking that death and self harm are the only valuable things to do in your life. Give the wim hof method a go. Its a beautiful piece of art, that will help you massively.

schmitzy, 26, female, German Occupation: Oboist Marital Status: Single Kids: No Hobbies: dreaming, writing, languages, health/nutrition/natural beauty, yoga, running I got into personal development around 2013 or 14 to get better understanding of my emotions. I often made unrealistically hard resolutions and kept failing. I was struggling with the high amount of self-governance one has to develop as as an instrumentalist (lots of free time to be spent practicing autonomously) as well as eating habits and self-acceptance. Personal challenges I've overcome: Fear of eating in public TV and romance addiction "education". school and college (just two months to go for my 2nd Master) What I'm working on now: nutrition & fitness connect with femininity produce an album study grooves, beats, music production, music that makes people dance, Arabic tunes mourn and let go of my father who committed suicide two weeks ago

So there is this whole world of personal development found in typology and personality systems. These are usually doubted as massively inaccurate and flawed. But really, no one who uses them well actually sees it as a prediction for everything in life. It's good as a guide and one of the best guides I've seen in personalizing advice to specific people. People are unique, complex and different but this does not mean guides don't have insight. Definiton : A typology or a categorization of people's core fears, core beliefs. motivations, emotional coping tools as well as the likely behaviors they can have according to these four areas. It's also used as a personal development tool to find the limits of these worldviews and further develop yourself. What I want to know : I actually know a lot on this area already but I figured I'd share this information so other people might use it. Anyway, here are some additional interesting parts to check. The Levels of Development : This reminds me of the Graves model as it records different information in levels of development. But for each specifc type. Those at level 1 are free of their fears, aware of their limits, able to use their strengths for themselves and other people for compassionate use. At level 9, there are people driven to suicide and even people capable of murder. The idea is to go up the levels in development. You can get the book Personality Types by Riso and Russ Hudson for an extensive description for each type's level. Integration and Disintegration : This is enneagram' s term for when you're at your best (integration) and when you're at your worst (disintegration as a type.) Passion and Virtue : It's the idea that every type has a passion (An unhelpful behavior) along with a virtue (helpful behavior.) Fixation and Holy idea. : Fixation (An unhelpful worldview) along with a holy idea (A helpful worldview.) So for example, a summary of one of these. Type 5's basic fear is helplessness. Their core motivation is to know. Their likely behavior is of solitude and reflection. Integration is when they are able to take action and influence the world rather than think all the time. Disintegration is when they become distracted and flighty. Their passion is avarice, not for material wealth, but in hoarding knowledge but in the limits of overpreparing for the world. The virtue is nonattachment, not in relationships, but a nonattachment to the safety of their minds and a readiness for the world. Their fixation is stinginess, not in money, but often of their time in that they believe they don't have enough time for other life areas other than knowledge. Holy omniscience is when 5s see things clearly rather than making false theories about the world and really understanding it, Some resources : For a summary of levels of development. http://www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/levels.html Description of the types. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/ A forum full of information.. http://personalitycafe.com/ - Just go to the enneagram section but you can check out the other information. Some good books : Anything by Riso Hudson or Beatrice Chestnut on this.

Entry 127 | More on Death I don't know specifically what I want to write in this entry, so I'm just going to type as I think. Death has been on my mind recently. What with my uncle being on the verge of death now after months of coping with cancer and everything. But also, I had a dream in the last few nights about death. At some point, it occurred to me that I had never witnessed anyone die right before my eyes. This caused my subconscious mind to simulate that event in the form of a dream. It was night, and I was stood at a crossing with around 20 people. As we waited for the traffic lights to change, one guy stepped out in the middle of the road in front of the oncoming traffic. It was obvious that he was hoping to commit suicide. In the shock of the situation, I looked away at the instant the car ran over the guy. I slowly looked back to see the man lying on the floor with blood gushing out of his severed leg. He wasn't dead. But he wasn't far off. He leant forward as if to grab his leg in pain but, of course, it was missing. Something suggested that he was regretting the idea. Then earlier today, I envisioned another suicide scenario happening on my way to university. I imagined the guy jumping off one of the university buildings with the cry "OH MY GOD." Again, it suggested that he regretted the decision completely. But his fate was unavoidable as he splattered on the tarmac. Thankfully, these were imaginary scenarios. But why now? It's not like I'm actively looking to commit suicide nor do I wish to see it happen to someone. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about death. It hit me in the Indian music ensemble that one day, I will die. One day, I will return to the nothingness of death. And somehow, I don't feel scared about that. Given that the next few years will prove to be the most challenging for me, this is something that I must keep in mind. Nothingness is whole and complete as it is. There needn't be life at all. The fact that it exists for the meantime is just a blessing. The pursuing of goals for materialist benefits seems shallow and unnecessary now. Once upon a time, I just wanted to be a famed guitar player. Now, I just want to make the most of what I am now. The process seems more important than the end result. Now is better than then. All I can do is enjoy the moment for what it is. Any goals that I pursue will come from that place of love and joy for being in the now. They won't become my life. They will just form a part of it. Because if there's any goal that's worth pursuing, it is to love life to the full. Pick of the day: