Leightonm

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About Leightonm

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  • Birthday November 29

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    South Africa
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  1. I started smoking in high school and quit when I was 24. It just made me feel horrible, physically and mentally. So I quit cold turkey. I woke up one morning, felt the normal pull, but decided to take a cold shower and take a long walk to nowhere in particular. The physical withdrawal only took one day. It was the mental withdrawal that was the nighmare, since I had a number of triggers. Wake up, smoke. Drink coffee, smoke. Go to the toilet, smoke. Walk to the bus stop, smoke. Walk to work, smoke. Done eating, smoke. Go to bed, smoke. Drink a beer, smoke. It was ridiculous. Anyway, I was smoke-free for the next five years, until I started in January again. I started using weed as spiritual tool, every other week. I had some amazing, psychedelic like insights on them. But since good quality weed is hard to come by, I decided to buy 20g in order to have it around when I need it. Huge mistake. I started to smoke every week, and the trips started to become heavy, almost fuzzy. Then I started to smoke daily, every night. It made me feel like shit. So I had the brilliant idea to buy menthol tobacco to combat the horribleness. The logic of it all. So this time around I had to drop weed. Got rid of the weed and went cold turkey. But I still had the menthol tobacco, and it tasted nice. I mean it wasn't a lot. I would just smoke the last of it and be done done with it. Wrong. Menthol cigarettes took its place. At first it was one a day. Harmless. I mean I was gonna stop. Eventually. Nah. I'm now at two in the morning and about five at night after work. Which is a lot. And it aint even menthol anymore. I'm reaching that point where I'm gonna go cold turkey agian. But there's something that has me worried. It's like I'm constantly grabbing for one substance or the other. If I drop something, then there's something else to take its place. During those five years that I was smoke free I had issues with alcohol and internet over-usage. So my fear now is what will take its place once I stop. PS. More shit happened that I didn't include in my storytime, like I quit my job in December out of frustration (I'm working again) and my mom passed away in April, from cancer. PSS. I realise that there is something that I'm avoiding with all this grasping. I'm almost certain I know what it is.
  2. I have noticed that when I focus on my perceived shortcomings, then those shortcomings plays out in the world. A negative/limiting belief gets inserted in the mind, like I don't know how to communicate. Then when the time comes to communicate, what you described happens. But of course it will happen. What other option is there, Right? The mind does what it knows best. And what it knows best is what you feed it. Maybe focus on those moments that you actually do articulate well, then replay that moment in the mind to make it the new normal. That's what I'm doing now myself.
  3. Re-read my respone as if received from someone also in green. The meaning should change.
  4. You are questioning; you are noticing; you are doing. I would put more weight on that. Here you're saying. Here you're asking. Meaning you already have the answer.
  5. I have asked this question myself recently. Came across the "two glass technique". I haven't tried it myself as the consequences could potentially be severe (according to the Reddit reports).
  6. @Colin thanks, I will try it out.
  7. How have you managed to stop this disgusting habit?
  8. @Shakazulu This is definitely a trap I fall into many times, talking about stuff I have no clue about. What are your thoughts on what is said in the video?
  9. It seems like he's using spiritual ideas to push his agenda.
  10. The abuse of any substance can lead to negative results; even drinking too much water can be deadly (apparently). All substances has its function, its purpose, its positive influence, until it becomes negative. Some just reach that point quicker than others. So basically - moderation. "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - Some famous person.
  11. INFJ is pretty common for an uncommon personality type. But then again, this is the type of place where you'll find them.
  12. @Shin I have looked at introversion. Read a couple of books and articles on the topic. It doesn't really change the way I feel. I have taken the Myer Briggs and Enneagram personality tests. Apparently, I'm an INFJ and type 5, with type 4 and 6 wings, respectively. I'm currently doing 20 minutes of SDS daily, with the first seven minutes being breathing exercises with the Prana Breath app.
  13. @WindInTheLeaf I have come to realize this. I just don't know which way to go. My main fear is that letting go will lead to more of the same. Deeper into the game. It's almost like the game is all there is. Just acting out different scenarios in different settings. So I mostly keep quiet, stay still, in the hopes that it will pass one day. What a way to live.
  14. I view myself to be less than those that are educated, that are higher up in the corporate hierarchy. The assumption is that they are better in every aspect of actualization than I am. In the presence of these educated people my mind usually shuts down. I then don't know how to construct coherent sentences, and end up stuttering. The weird thing is that I envy them, but at the same time don't want to be them. It all seems so fake. I don't want to dress up and play pretend. So the consequence is that I'm stuck in the lower tier dealing with people I can't tolerate. Don't want to move up, don't want to stay put. I have moved sideways a couple of times, but it's just the same shit in different packaging. The rules that people operate by is very obvious and transparent, yet I can't bring myself to join the game. I am actually actively avoiding/rejecting it. I don't ever say it, but my attitude suggests it, which people then pick up on. What follows are questions like, "why are you so quiet/weird/abnormal", "Are you depressed?", "Do you think you're better than us?", "Do you have a mental disease?","Why do you never talk about yourself?". Motherfucker get away from me is usually my mental response. What's weird is that it actually makes me depressed. I completely lack the desire to communicate with people, but I do desire to have meaningful conversation. One can only talk so much about sex, movies, sports, celebs, what I did the weekend, where I went, who I talked to and what we spoke about. So it follows that I'm judgemental. Apparently having low self esteem and thinking I am better than others at the same time. Feeling both superior and inferior. How do I reconcile that? This judgemental quality makes me reject people the moment the conversation leads to one of the before mentioned subjects. Even if I bear with it, in the hopes of small talk becoming real talk. It never does. It's always small talk. Which is why I mostly stay quiet. I don't want to worry about my appearance, or about what to talk about with people in order to be normal. I don't want to wake up to go to place I couldn't give two shits about. I don't want to do anything to be honest. I just want to be. Be without the need to be anything. But nope, I have to do a bunch of things in order to be able not do a bunch of things. I'm tired of this negative state. But I always return to it. What you resist persist, I guess. I'm just so fucking tired.