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hey! u see why 13 is ominous! and that is good he does not use porn, which he eventually will find if this continues. what is a better outlet in ur opinion? also consider that ur grandma and sis might be paranoid about these issues as they might misunderstand ur bro's actions. these boy's issues are mostly alien to females and they can project negative connotations at them. if he does not touch oneself in public and jerk off in a legit way, no problem right?

Jews having always been considered "outsiders" or "strange people" is not the only reason as to why Jews have always faced much hatred from others. One of the other main reasons Jews have always had deal with so animosity from so many other people for over 2,000 years is because the people who have always had ill will towards them have always been so envious of their success and intellect. Every anti-semite throughout all of history deep down has always known that the Jews are many times better than they are, which is why anti-semites feel so incredibly insecure about themselves and scared of what Jews have always been capable of. This is why Jews in general take pride in being elite in many respects. This is not to say that Jews in an absolute sense are superior to those who are not Jewish or don't have jewish blood in them. There of course have always been a number of people out there who are not Jewish but who have certainly been smarter and more successful than most Jews have been. However, I believe that jewish people have had the greatest amount of high conscious people per capita in the world. It's actually similar to idea of how white people who have been racist towards black and brown people, are that way not just because they always viewed black and brown people as "alien" or "outsiders," but also because they realize how inferior they are in a lot of ways to black and brown people. Same thing as to why women have always had history of being oppressed by men. It's not just because men generally have always had greater physical strength and power than women. It also because countless men throughout history have always been insecure about what women are capable of if they were given equal rights and equal freedom. In some ways women are better than men and most male chauvinists have always known that. These days, women, especially those in 1st first world countries now definitely have some things that easier for them to get than it is for men such as sex, dating, larger social networks, collaboration, favors, and some other things.

I got the 3rd "pfizer" shot as a booster and had negative outcomes. Mainly my heart had some kind of problems. As the day passed after the shot I felt ill like you should be after a flu-shot, but the whole time I had a very unpleasant feeling in my heart. Not pain-like, but just a feeling like something was wrong, very alien. The feeling went away about 6 hours after, but I noticed that my heart is way way weaker now. By going up the stairs my heart pulse goes way up. When I wake up in the morning it beats very heavily. It actually feels like I have health problems now, and it's almost like a near death situation to the point where I now I'm trying to do some cardio workouts to strengthen my heart, but a little cardio puts my pulse up to about 170-180 BPM which is like a intense workout. A lot of my friends took the 3rd shot and reported no issues, but one friend reports the same issue, some bad feeling in the heart after the booster shot. Also I read a lot that it can effect your heart, but they say that it isn't linked to the booster shot, which to me is bullshit. Im in no way an anti-vaxer, im pro medicine, but do take my report seriously and think about if you really wanna take the booster shot. If I knew what it would do for me I wouldn't have taken it. I hope that it's just temporary and will go away if I keep doing cardio.

It always made me grin when people told me a computer will take over the planet or become self aware. Well yes its if its programmed too, but the toaster or washing machine isn't going to want to suddenly invade, its for making toast or cleaning your clothes. Machines made as humanoid however have the possibility to be humanoid if they are built exactly as we are, biological computers for example, with many of the flaws we ourselves have in us and a consciousness which is alien to this environment. Or was alien. Do you ever wonder if the reason people are being treated more as robots by industry now is all the process of this happening before our eyes, its all connected and arriving at that point on a macro scale. I feel consciousness expresses itself in whatever is actively being created at that time because creation is the key for consciousness to be realised. It is another reason why the attempts to make humanoid robots is flawed thinking, they should be more like an R2D2 droid out of star wars, easy to maintain, hard to damage, good over many different surfaces, storage space, and with many tools accessible. A device, vehicle or tool for man not a replacement.

Exactly it. A question of epistemology. @Gesundheit2's third point is on the money. You have to flip things around. None of us have consciousness, we are all manifestations of consciousness. Although thinking that way can seem completely alien to most people.

I live in a spiritual community with a reflector who’s very spiritually connected. Dudes an alien for sure. He’s so silent. I’ve learned so much from him. Every time I talk he would say I’m creating worlds with my words. Especially when talking about other people. He would never talk about people and would frown upon it when I did. So now I’m afraid to speak for fear I’m creating universes with my words. Is this fear based? I’m a very expressive person and I feel like I’m being silenced. Thanks so much.

Actually everything is rather abstract if you look at it closely. If you tell an alien about humans, and tell him everything about science, history, biology, survival and culture, there would be many things the alien could never understand based on that objective lecture. One example would be music. You can't logically explain why such a thing has such a big impact on our behavior. There would be also questions like: Why is this pattern of air vibrations better than this? Why do animals don't want to do music? Why does literally every human being has a favorite music genre? ... The same counts for all art forms by the way. I guess I should change the word abstract with irrational.

When I was first waking up around 2014 a friend of mine showed me this channel, Spirit Science. If you aren't familiar, its ran by a guy named Jordan who used to be an animator on Newgrounds. He moved on to making youtube videos in a style similar to Extra Credits about spirituality. Some of the things he talks about are on point like sacred geometry and what he has to say about levels of consciousness. The controversy comes (mostly) from his video on human history: In particular, he loses people once he talks about Hebrews being an alien race and Martians coming to earth after destroying their own atmosphere. Despite that, he makes some interesting points and regardless if this is true or not it sparked my interest in human history and our evolution. This video also led me to contemplate my own consciousness which eventually led me to Leo. Chris O'Neil from Oney Plays knew him on Newgrounds and just says, "This man is now the leader of an actual cult" and most the skeptics and criticisms I see tend to come back to that. People say Leo is a cult leader too but I know that's false and dismissive. Jordan is a lot less direct than Leo though and it's hard to read his true intentions. If nothing else he's a clever storyteller and good at animation, and he helped lead to my first awakening so there's that. What's his deal though? Is he a cult leader, full of shit, or is he misunderstood and we all are a product of falling from a much higher level of consciousness many many years ago? I've thought about posting this on here years ago I just never felt like bringing it up. I guess I was avoiding wanting to know the truth, but now I really want to know what other people think of Spirit Science.

Yeah. I agree that Direct Experience is more fundamental than concepts but the tricky thing is that Direct Experience is still limited to the perspective of r0ckyreed or LastThursday or whoever you are. This issue is that I can assume that my direct experience is not the only one. That is solipsism. But that Direct Experience is fragmented and spread across infinite life forms experienced by the ONE Being. This also presents issues because if there are infinite perspectives that are being shared together and not shared together (in cases of hallucinations or whatever), what is in the gaps of our experience? When I stop observing you, you cease to appear within my direct experience and I from yours. It’s like saying that if I become deaf, then music and sound ceases to exist. But it ceases to exist relative to deaf people and exists relative to non-deaf people. And maybe other senses like telepathy could exist for aliens. Maybe we could say that sound and telepathy do exist, but we just do not have access to those senses as humans. What would we say if an alien came down with telepathy? Would we say that it doesn’t exist because it is not in my direct experience and therefore am imagining it? I don’t know. Lol. The senses are all that we appear to have, and we could know telepathy or not based on what we observe and conceptualize. It’s hard for me to believe that when I go to sleep at night that the whole human world ceases to exist and that I go into a new one if I am dreaming. But at the same time, I feel like reality is intersubjective (it is shared and created amongst all the forms and parts of God). EDIT: I have been thinking about it more and I am wondering what an object, subject, experience or thing is that cannot be experienced or perceived by the senses? All we know is through senses and through thoughts and intuition. If I cannot see that object or hear it or feel it or think about it, it is as if it does not exist from my experience. The fact that I can think of something seems to make it exist in form of a thought. But the issue is that like we discussed, “what about the actual object?” If you can see, touch, and feel an object I don’t. It exists to you but not for me. Could I then conclude that just because I can’t see it or think of it now, that it doesn’t exist? I’m just thinking out loud (or rather on the forum with y’all). ?. From the quote I gave you below from Home With God, every possible thing exists when I am not observing it. My observation of something is a mental construction of picking out one reality out of infinite possibilities which is kinda creepy. That’s cool. Thanks for your insight and thoughts! It reminds me of the quote above that I wrote from Home With God that opened me up to a modified take on idealism/realism.

Journal Entry Exports from: Meditation/Contemplation Journal Posted October 8, 2021, · 10.8.2021. 30 minutes attempted vipassana session: thoughts and feelings that came up; ''Extreme anxiety of not feeling safe and fear of killing myself and dying. Of losing everything I have and everything I know to be. The fear came up of me killing myself in the near future or feeling extremely unsafe in my objectively non-threatening environment that I was going to die and lose everything I know about myself, my identity, my current achievements and level of development, EVERYTHING, FOREVER, and would therefore throw the waste the life that was given to me and all the perks I am enjoying now with it, that I would squander the gift of life and being born in the environment that I am born given to me by my mother and my ancestors, especially my grandfather from my father's side - for whom I'd always almost had deep respect and admiration. Fear of losing all that privilege given to me by my ancestors that I just simply inherited from them. And I felt deeply bad that was one of the main things causing my fear of death and not the fear of losing my life itself as it is and myself as a person that I am and an identity - like I did value my own life and personality enough but only the fact it was given to me by others before me. I felt like a slow state of depression and dying - or to say more appropriately losing myself into nothing. A deeply ingrained and non-resolved complex of inferiority detected that was allowed to fester in the unconsciousness in my psyche? Well, yes it certainly seems that way. Why am I afraid of myself killing myself and why did I feel so insecure about my environment feeling that at any moment it was going to lead to me killing myself? Why so much insecurity and a lack of self-confidence and faith? Why? Why did it feel so tiring and draining? Like I was trying to let go of myself and be consumed by the abyss. Why am I afraid of getting tired and weak? Why do I fear it would lead me to death? What am I anyway? What is this? Why is letting go into dying so contrasted and opposed to the feeling of living and being alive? Why so much fear and resistance? Why am I so afraid of dying? Why does it feel so tiring and draining? I do not want to just die this way. I can just let go of my life now. Why do I feel that the memories of the personalities of my ancestors haunt me? Why do I feel that I am not worthy enough of them with the way I am living and experiencing my life? It feels almost like an unending road of depression, aimlessness, hopelessness, and a lack of motive and purpose in life? Why do life and my experiencing of it feel so bleak and alien to me? Why do I feel like I am an alien to experiencing existence? Why do I feel like an alien and stranger to existence and life? Why does nature seem alien to me and yet I feel bleak familiarity, safety and take comfort in its presence, and have a distinct and unexplainable feeling if I go I will be welcomed in familiar arms, its an unexplainable slight feeling of ease and security and hope and comfort around it. Like it will open me with open arms even if I decide to go now, earlier than I should. Why are so many thoughts of suicidal ideation popping out briefly and then going away? Why do I feel uncomfortable with my present life so much, why do I despise it and hate it so much? 7.10. 2021. Around 10 PM yesterday something. Walking Contemplation Near Trees by the Danube River in Zemun quay, Why do the trees and nature around me feel like the only thing familiar around me despite my feelings of depression? Why does the breeze feels so good, and making me feel like I am a part of the life-world and natural world even though I feel like currently a human person? It feels like even if I wasn't and ceased to be I would still belong there and return there like some long-forgotten home of mine before all these personal experiences, history, and memories. Like a place, I sprang from an intuitive level and I will spring back to once I am no more here as a person. Only my experience of the leaves rustling in the night breeze and of sensing and seeing the bark of trees, of a various different kind, te names of and species of most I which do not know, in the night by the flowing river like a long lost lifeworld to me which I was once a part through which I know now only intuitively through same faint remembrance and recollection only through the intuition of my senses. The surrounding artifacts and remnants of human civilization seem so alien and dry and foreign to me even though I am a part of it experientially all my life and depend on its system for sustenance for me to sustain and facilitate this experience of enjoyment and pleasantness with moving around, observing, sensing and experiencing the pleasantries and smoothness of the natural world in vibrant and alive phenomenology appearing before me. The natural world's pull I sense from time to time is where I feel I want to belong. Yet then why do I feel anatural to myself then? Why do I feel so corrupted and perverted from the natural order? Why do I feel estranged to it, like I was damned not to ever feel it in its fullness by the corrupted and perverted ways of mind? When will I free myself from myself? Nature - the breeze, trees, and the river feel very soothing and calming they feel like a part of me. Does nature want to talk to me in the language I have forgotten and no longer understand? How and why did I allow myself to forget it deliberately and cast it aside as unimportant to my life, which I have brief realizations is inseparable from it even if I fool myself in my day-to-day experience and mind it isn't so? Why did these low consciousness fleeting desires and their brief pleasures and always temporary void filling stemming from succumbing to neediness take precedent over wanting to experience nature in its pure and undiluted form? Why the sacrifice of wellbeing for the fleeting, why the succumbing to fleeting desire and fleeting instant gratification and wish fulfillment, over experiencing life more fully, vibrantly, and lively as much of the time as possible when I make opportunities for it? Why the selling myself short of wanting to take care and retain this experiencing ability? Why lose myself in this transient, temporal, and not last for the sake of wish fulfillment and instant gratification and lose out on the serenity, peace, and calm of nature and the natural in attune with it. My thoughts are full, my mind empty. I need to go back to my ancestor's residential beehive building. I will finish this and try to remember more of this later when my thoughts untie themselves around each other, my mind remembers itself and my feelings feel themselves again and not tiredness and burn out. To be continued when my thoughts and memories catch up. ''

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc. Posted October 11, 2021 ''I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently written and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

2 hours meditation, sloppy insights, although the best stuff isn't an insight. Thoughts hit like aliens attacking in a computer game, in meditation the thoughts come slow enough to deal with and learn how the game works. it's like we're thrown into life and say "I can handle it!" and turn up the difficulty level to max before learning how to properly deal with a single alien ship. Then we wonder what went wrong. Self love could "prevent" all misunderstandings. Out of loyalty and aversion, I learned to work hard and deny my own true desires. One incident when I was 15 and overheard my Dad say I was lazy and how did "THEY" raise a lazy kid, I was gutted. I learned to work and avoid by working my ass off. I'd prove him wrong. I didn't see or know that the comment felt awful because it wasn't true. What kind of parents expect a 15 year old to do no social stuff, nothing fun or expanding whatsoever and work in a fucking cemetery in all their spare time? I didn't see how much his identity was wrapped in in being a hard worker because he accepted the same faulty message from his parents. I'm mad that I was too afraid and too loyal to ask for an actual childhood. I'm mad that I didn't go on the art weekend out of fear and out of being afraid they wouldn't be able to take care of a FUCKING CEMETARY without me. I'm mad that he literally controlled out of fear every aspect of my life. I'm mad that I just plain old didn't know, if a thought feels bad, it's not about you. I'm mad that I compensated for it. I'm mad at myself for trying to perpetuate the same thing and have the same expectations of my husband. I think the whole fucking country is realizing that its identity is not one of being "hard workers". I'm mad that I just didn't follow what felt right to me. I did a lot. I really did. I'm sick and fucking tired of living on the end of the earth. It's funny to know that a CEMETARY was the first clue to there being a world out "there". Out there, really, really out there. Life is so good. It's so full circle. It's so funny. I really missed out on nothing. You don't have to fight the aliens after all. They are friends. Well then, anger and tears streaming down my face, or peaceful post meditation buzz, I don't know if there's a difference or a preference anymore.

This. The whole teaching of "no-self" is problematic in this regard. The mind can get so stuck on the notion of no-self that it becomes blind to the fact that all is the God Self. The correct teaching is not no-self, it is God Self. Even though, of course, God has no self. I feel that neo-Advaita and Buddhist style teachings can get people stuck in no-self. Thanks Leo. It feels like a kind of expanded state, but it's twisted animalistic/alien and not clear. In regards to what you wrote I can describe my experience of these DP/DR episodes: I get conscious of the story that the body is not separate from inanimate matter. The whole world including me as LR is seen through the lens of being not real. I believe that my mind constructs everything. I feel the identity being smaller as in close to ego-death. Then there is increased awareness of egoic movement and how thoughts arise which can be attached to. There is in general increased shakiness of the body. IME, I had no focus on being consciousness beyond the mind. There was no focus on no-mind as the mind was actively constructing stories to make sense of the world. Really good description, I experience that too. What do you mean with observing? Do you mean observing the dynamic of attaching to thought which creates panic (which's then also felt in the body)? That's interesting, during these episodes I feel as if being just a small gear in the machine. Thanks! This makes it super clear. It's for me the belief of being not separate from the material universe and feeling this state to be twisted af. The "split betweeen realms" is a good lens to look at DPDR. The stress sensitivity of mentally ill people is also something I notice. My mind happens to come into a twisted mushroom mode for a second when I would feel insecure, anxious or a sudden surprise. Good that I wrote down when it started. I'm so grateful that I still can see when I'm confused in a shroomy way. All in all, this is a well written and thought-out post. Thanks! I think your post is more geared towards what Leo wrote with the neo-Advaita & Buddhist no-mind approach and not towards the mental illness side of this thread amirite?

@Leo Gura interested in your theory here: once the God-realized state is obtained, does it remain throughout all subsequent states of consciousness? Be it alien, non material, quasi-mystical, human, etc?

Just discovered an interesting folk religion, via a Canadian scientist, scholar, and specialist on the history of Indo-Iranian civilizations and religions named Richard Foltz, who wrote about it in his recently published scholarly book in 2021 about the history and culture of the Ossetian peoples in the Caucasus called The Ossetes: The Modern Day Scythians of the Caucasus, the Scythians, of course, referring to the famous group of migratory nomadic tribes that ancient Greek historians gave a collective term for after the ancient Greek term 'Skuthoi' meaning 'Archer' or 'Archers' and wrote extensively about during the time they once occupied the Eurasian steppes in the first millennium BC and implying that modern-day Ossetians have a direct ancestral lineage to one of those groups of Scythian nomadic tribes, namely the Sarmatians, better known in history as Alans (i.e. 'Aryans' or the i.e. 'Iranians') genetically wise and through the retainment of the culture, religions and folk practices of those ancient nomadic peoples that inhabited those areas. It is called 'Assianism' meaning the religion of the "As" or "Os"—an ancient name of the Alans, from which the Greeks drew, Foltz says, the name of "Asia", which is preserved in the Russian and Georgian-derived name "Ossetians", that started to be revived in a conscious and organized way in the 1980s, as an ethnic religion among the Ossetians. Its collection of 'holy writings' that it draws its inspiration from are called the 'Nart Sagas' which are a series of tales that form much of the basic mythology of the folklore of ethnic groups in the North Caucasus including the Abkhazians, Circassians, and to some extent the Chechens and the Ingush, the author Richard Foltz defines them as a ''"typical Indo-European heroic epic". Despite claims to antiquity, categorizes it and analyzes it in the framework of it being part of 'new religious movement' phenomena and terms it as being a kind of 'Scythian Neo-paganism' but immediately notifies the reader that he uses the term 'neo-paganism' to classify it and describe it for the purposes of the practicality of scholarly work and scientific research in religious studies since he warns in advance that: ''the adherents of Assianism object to the use of the term "Paganism" to refer to their religion, such term having strong derogatory connotations in Ossetian language and being still used by Christians and Muslims to ridicule traditional Ossetian beliefs and practices.'' Foltz, Richard (2020). "The Rekom Shrine in North Ossetia-Alania and its Annual Ceremony". Iran and the Caucasus. Brill. 24 (1): p. 42. note 2. To the extent that the culture and practices of most well-known and famous peoples among the group of Scythian nomadic tribes in Western European History the 'Alans', to whom the modern-day Ossetians are the sole existing and still surviving modern population that can the most claim direct descendency from in terms of keeping their cultural and linguistical lineage mostly intact and preserving beliefs and rituals likely dating back to times of their Scythian religion, impacted the development of culture and civilization of early Western medieval Europe, Foltz details: ''Allied with the Germanic Goths, the Alans penetrated west into France, Italy, Spain, and other territories under the Roman Empire. The Romans tried to manage the threat by hiring them as mercenaries in the cavalry, or, particularly in France, by buying them off as landed gentry. Many toponyms in France, such as Alainville, Alaincourt, Alençon, and others, testify that they were territorial possessions of Alan families. Alan equestrian culture formed the basis of Medieval chivalry, and in general Alan, culture had a significant role—though rarely recognized—in the development of Western European culture.'' and also according to Foltz and the Russian author Shizhensky: [the Scythians] ''widely worshipped [chief among their lesser deities, which in some cases were later adaptations of the names of Christian saints, whose original Scythian names of the deities were not kept, Uastyrdzhi (whose name derives from "Saint George"), the god of contracts and war (the Iranian Mithra), but also the general archetype of men and of disadvantaged people] through altars in the form of a sword planted in a pile of stones or brushwood, a cult perhaps reflected in the Arthurian legend of the sword in the stone, likely brought to Britain by Alan regiments settled there by the Romans in the first century. The cult of the sword continued among the Alans as late as the first century CE.'' Foltz, Richard (2019). "Scythian Neo-Paganism in the Caucasus: The Ossetian Uatsdin as a 'Nature Religion'". Journal for the Study of Religion, Nature, and Culture. 13 (3): p. 315. and pp. 318. - 320. ''The most important symbol in Assianism, according to the Dzuary Lægtæ ("Holy Men"), is the Uatsamongzh (Уацамонгж) or Uatsamonga (Уацамонга), a bowl, goblet or cup mentioned in the Ossetian Nart epics whose name means "indicating (amongzh) truth (uats)" or "revelator of divinity". It is a symbol of truth representing the inverted vault of the sky, which can saturate the worthy ones (the hero of the Nart epics) with unearthly knowledge. The origins of this symbol go back to the earliest Indo-Europeans and it is also present in later Celtic and Germanic cultures. In medieval Western European legends, the magic chalice took the Christianised form of the Holy Grail.'' But to get to the point here is the most interesting thing I found about this 'neo-paganist' Ossetian folk religion, is the Assian theo-cosmology which their leaders themselves define as being based around a form of 'pantheism' and 'non-dualism', it's tenants are as follows: ''Assianism contemplates the worship of a supreme God, Xwytsau (Хуыцау), who is the creator of the universe and of all beings and is the universe itself, or the universe is "the body of God", comprising both the immanent material world of the living and the transcendent spiritual world of God, where the dead make a return. It has "no tangible, personal qualities, nor extension in space and time", and it is pure light. The transcendent spiritual dimension of God is the "World of Light" (Рухс Дун, Rukhs Dun) or "True World" (Æцæг Дун, Ætsæg Dun), while the immanent material dimension of life is the "Illusory World" (Мжнг Дун, Mæng Dun). The supreme God may be called upon by a multiplicity of epithets, including simply "Styr Xwytsau" (Стыр Хуыцау), meaning "Great God", but also "Duneskænæg" (Дунескæнæг), "Creator of the Universe", "Meskænæg Xwytsau" (Мескаенаег Хуыцау) and "Xwytsauty Xwytsau" (Хуыцаутты Хуыцау), meaning "God of the Gods". Assian theology affirms that God is within every creature, is "the head of everything", and in men, it manifests as reason, measure, and righteousness (bar).'' Schmitz, Timo (2015). "Etseg Din – Caucasian paganism from Ossetia" pp. 1-2 ''God and its triune manifestations: The supreme God unfolds in triads. The fundamental triad is that of God–matter–spirit: Xwytsau / Xuitsau (Хуыцау, "Heaven") — is the supreme God of the universe, the source of it and of the highest wisdom attainable by men, creator, and patron of worlds, without either image or form, ineffable and omnipresent; Iuag (Иуаг) or Iuæg (Иуæг) — is the substance-matter of everything, both uncreated and created worlds; Ud (Уд) — is the universal self, that is attained by an individual soul when it identifies with Mon (Мон), the universal mind-spirit, i.e. God's manifestation; ultimately, Mon and Ud are the same, and they are Xwytsau's manifestations. On the plane of the phenomenon, God's universal mind-spirit further manifests as the triad of: Uas (Уас = "Truth", "Good Word") or Ard (Ард = "Right", "Law") — the order of God, which produces well-being in reality; Uastyrdzhi (Уастырджи) — the good-spell incarnated in men, who are bearers of divine reason, enlightened consciousnesses, awareness of God; in other words, Uastyrdzhi is the archetype of the perfected man, follower of the order of God, and is the mediator of all other deities; Duagi (дуаги; pl. дауджытæ / дауджита → daudzhytæ / daudzhita) or duag (дуаг) and barduag (бардуаг) — gods, deities, forces which continuously mold the world alternating forms according to the order of God; the most important among them are the arvon daudzhita (арвон дауджита), the seven deities of the seven planets. Another distinction is established between the three cosmological states of:[39][40] Zedy (зэды, pl. задтæ → zadtæ) or zhad (жад) — tutelary forces, generative deities, which accompany the birth and development of beings according to the order of God; Uayugi (уайуги, pl. уайгуытæ / уайгуыта → uayguytæ / uayguyta) or uayug (уайуг) — destructive forces which violate the order of God and distance from light; in mankind they are the cause of passions, fears, pride, and nervous diseases; Dalimon (далимон) — the lowest possible state of mind when it identifies with the brute matter, chaos; its meaning is "lower (dali) spirit (mon)" and is also a category comprising all terrestrial unclear entities, contrasted with ualimon (уалимон), "upper (uali) spirit (mon)", which comprises all celestial clear entities.'' Shizhensky 2018a, pp. 130–131. ''According to Assian doctrines, human nature is the same as the nature of all being. Mankind is a microcosm within a macrocosm, or broader context, and the same is true for all other beings. The universe is kept in harmony by Uas or Ard, the order of God, the foundation of divine reason, measure, and righteousness (bar). The deities (daudzhita or ualimon) form the world according to this universal law, while demons (uayguyta or dalimon) are those entities which act disrupting the good contexts of the deities, and are the causes of illness and death. Every entity is governed "by it itself" within its own sphere of responsibility; God and its order are not seen as an external force of coercion. These positive and negative forces also influence humanity's consciousness: A man may take the side of either deities or demons, and this choice will shape this man's life and action. If a man is able to subdue passions, not putting exclusively egoistic material motives in his actions, he becomes open to the Uas, or its receptacle (уасдан, uasdan; good-spell receptacle), a wise noble who perceives the order of God and higher spirits and receives their energy, acting like them by producing good, truth and beauty. On the contrary, if a man's actions are driven by egoistic material ends, Dalimon and demons own him and he becomes a source of evil, lies, and ugliness. In the words of Khetag Morgoyev, mankind is endowed with the free will to choose between good and evil, deities and demons.'' Shizhensky 2018a, p. 130. ''The "Three Tears of God" (Trislezi Boga), a symbol representing Assian theology and three most important Ossetian shrines, was first "perceived" and drawn by the architect and painter Slava Dzhanaïty, and has become the most common symbol of the faith, "seen everywhere throughout North and South Ossetia on t-shirts, car stickers, and advertisements". Within the three "tears" of Dzhanaïty's symbol there are three equilateral crosses; "cross" is said dzuar in Ossetian, the same term for the manifestation of divinity. The three most important Ossetian shrines that the symbol represents are the Rekom Temple, the Mykalygabyrtæ Temple to the southeast of Rekom, and the Tarandzhelos Temple located south of Mount Kazbek in Georgia.'' Foltz, Richard (2019). "Scythian Neo-Paganism in the Caucasus: The Ossetian Uatsdin as a 'Nature Religion''' pp. 328-330 So what do you guys think is this just an attempt to revive, reinvent, or reconstruct a traditional basis for Ossetian nationalism and its traditional national folk religion, that survived through the millennia and centuries in the culture of their folk practices, through a 'new religious movement' that gained traction and became popular again in the 1980s and that bears strong resemblances and similarities to other 'neo-paganist' ones around the world (including the Rodnovery one among the Slavs that refers to the movement of reviving, preserving and repopularizing the 'Slavic Native Faiths' - which is were this image of Russian Rodnover Ynglists in Omsk, Omsk Oblast practicing the Scythian ritual of the sword planted in brushwood is from), though according to, one of the researchers and scholars on this subject, the Canadian scholar and author Richard Foltz, that if that is the case then: ''the movement has become so widespread among the Ossetians that its success is "unrivalled" among all Neopagan religious movements. According to the 2012 Arena Atlas complement to the 2010 census of Russia, 29.4% of the population of North Ossetia (comprising Ossetians as well as ethnic Russians) were adherents of the Ossetian Pagan religion. Authorities of the religion itself claim that a large majority of over 55% of the ethnic Ossetians are adherents of the religion. Ruslan Kurchiev, president of the Styr Nykhas in 2019, prefers to define Assianism as a "culture" rather than a "religion", claiming that what it champions are rituals and values which are encapsulated in the Ossetian tradition. Similiarly representatives of the Dzuary Lægtæ ("Holy Men"), the council of the priests of the Ossetian sanctuaries, define Assianism, by citing the folklorist and ethnographer Soslan Temirkhanov, as "[...] a worldview [...] that arouses that holy spark that raises a person, illuminates and warms his soul, makes him strive for good and light, gives him courage and strength to fearlessly fight evil and vice, inspires him to self-sacrifice for the good of others". According to them, this Ossetian worldview is "not some form of perception abstracted from the material, productive activity, but on the contrary, it is interwoven and reflects all aspects of being, at the same time being the very basis of being, an ontological principle, which we can phenomenologically characterize as pantheism", a worldview characterized by "intertwining, interconnection, interdependence" which favors a natural "logical-conceptual type of thinking and discursive thinking". They articulate a historical critique of Christianisation: For them, Orthodox Christianity is an "alien religion" that "seeks to captivate and corrupt the souls of the conquered", and in Ossetia, it was spread by foreigners and by the tsarist autocracy through coercion, by police measures and by luring children and the poor with gifts, a process which led to the disintegration of families and to the ruin of farms. According to them, Islam spread among the Ossetians as an alternative to avoid forced Christianisation. The Russian Orthodox Church is for them a "socio-cultural and cultural-political problem" in Ossetia, as it has "neither knowledge of the peculiarities of Ossetia, nor interest in its culture, nor concern for its future. The movement of Scythian Assianism has attracted strong hostility and complaints from Christian and Islamic authorities. The Russian Orthodox archbishop Leonid in Moscow sought to silence Makeyev by trying to ban his books as "extremist literature", calling on his personal contacts when he was a general in the Federal Security Service. The Russian Orthodox Church has also been trying to have the Rekom Temple destroyed and a church built in its place, but without success so far.'' Foltz, Richard (2019). "Scythian Neo-Paganism in the Caucasus: The Ossetian Uatsdin as a 'Nature Religion''' p. 331 or is there some deeper spiritual non-dual teaching that can be derived from it from its seeming claim to stem from some sort of universal perennialism? Thanks to anyone who sets their personal energy and is interested and has the time to share their thoughts and views and engage with me in a discussion of this particular topic, question, and subject! As always much appreciated by me in advance

Depersonalization is simply not God-realization/awakening. Depersonalization is some other kind of lesser state of consciousness. There can be thousands of alien and weird states of consciousness, some of them quasi-mystical, but not really the same as full on God-consciousness.

I felt great last night, I was exploding with energy and ready to go, I didnt want to sleep but did anyways. I woke up with wendys in my stomach getting burned away and im feeling better, I had my GOL Loophole shake (Thanks Nahm!) with some cacao for that blissful smooth energy. Im trying it with L-Theanine, lets see how it goes, the mellow buzz from cacao combined with the calm focus of L Theanine will be pretty cool. I notice the ability to "smoothen" the process of thinking and immediately go with what I want is a real powerful skill, thought can actually be smoothened and sped up and more exciting. Its all about warming up the engine, which is why journaling in the morning is great! Im already feeling the excitement building up within me. Ill be going to church today and itll be cool to hear people saying nice words over each other. The people at church are really worshipping Love and Joy, so we are all on the same page no matter what. Its fun to be able to deliberately choose to be happy and joyous (same thing lol). The food I eat either supports or hurts vibration, not really hurt but more like stiffles. If I ate a nice fruit salad and was super excited, I feel like my excitement would be superman levels, so im excited to start giving it a shot, ill be eating healthier slimmer meals, maybe the GOL shake and later a fruit salad with honey, or maybe just the GOL shake, ill go by how im feeling. Food gives us the opportunity to consciously choose our fuel source its quite awesome. Like the choice IS the miracle, the ability to choose my fuel source whether it be wendys and sprite or GOL Shake and fruit salads or healthy fats is awesome. Infinite Love is in the bliss of being this human being, this vehicle is fun and cool. Sometimes I look at my hands and its like looking at miracles, I really appreciate this creation. How these hands are inseparable from all cosmic events, quite awesome. Im starting to build up, I can feel it, the thought process is smoothening and loosening up. What do I do with this morning, well this morning doesnt need to be manipulated but what is this time for for this one? Its all about setting the tone for the day, and choosing how I feel and declaring that for the rest of the day, this builds the momentum of awesomeness. I choose to feel good and put all my focus on that! The dreamboard is powerful indeed, the power comes from being in touch with Joy and Love, then the dream board makes sense and the things on it are seen being manifested. I learned I can put the little things on it and appreciate those things as well, the little wins! The little wins are actually where the powers at, the little wins are what most people overlook, we are conditioned to think that the big wins are the only ones that matter, nope its all about the little wins, as the big wins are made up of multiple little wins! Im excited, I can feel the energy levels increasing, the GOL Shake is in cooperation with the body, they are fusing together. Food is my best friend, my relationship with food is closer than even a sexual experience, as the food I eat becomes one with me forever, the GOL shake is fusing with me, at the cellular level, it feels good. My energy levels are increasing, my capacity for seeing the Joy that already is is increasing woohoo! I can bring this Joy everywhere I go honestly, it really doesnt matter, Im awesome no matter what. I notice theres a momentum building up of seeing the bright side to every single thing. This is very alien to me, but I welcome it and accept it, like a welcome surprise. I never knew this was possible for myself, only it was an ideal. This way of living fills me up with so much energy and excitement, im human as fuck right now! Every positive thought is like a gift that needs no thanks, it just feels good to launch these rockets of Love. Its crazy that this Love shit is the norm for some people, and it makes sense how it could be the case. I get excited when I drive past houses, I like architecture and creation, I see all the signs of my real estate success in my neighborhood, tons of shit being built everywhere! My neighborhood is booming, and a bunch of rich people from the north are coming over to this area. Theres lots of opportunity all over the place for me and for everyone! Im feeling excited and aroused too! Yes hormones! The body is like "Create, Create, Create!". Im filled with life and excitement, I can go on about this forever, like a mirror of love mirroring itself on and on. I want a girlfriend, a beautiful and cool girlfriend of course, someone who is wise would be nice, she doesnt need to know anything, but its that attitude of open mindedness that is perfect. What else can I do right now? I notice energy can be spent on finding answers to questions, or there can be pure creation without questions. Questions are blockage-forming honestly and pointless. Some questions are great for short term stuff like how do I open a door? But most questions (existential especially) are formulated in such a way that there really is no answer to them. Im excited for the future, being rich and responsible with my stuff, having kids and being humbled by my family, tripping on psychedelics for fun! Meeting cool people! Like this whole time source has been most patiently waiting to be found once again, the stream of pure goodness. Okay, I can dedicate some time to my real estate course, just 20 mins a day thats all, just put 20 mins on my timer and begin, thats all thats needed, theres nothing else in it. This is taking the steps towards making a lot of money doing something fun and something that suits my personality more, I will do this! Its all just memorization, that is all. I can do 20 mins of studying and reading points and then go for a bike ride! Cardio after learning is proven to strengthen the memory of what was learned. Its all right here, all the pieces of the puzzle and guidance is all here. Today I will enjoy resting and slowly building the momentum of Joy, no need to do any work today, all thats wanted is to rest in this blanket of Love.

Will do Good observation, it makes sense. Yeah, I imagine they don't theorize as much and definitely do not generalize. They just see what's in front of them - a human with emotions and needs just like the rest of us lol. I imagine things being this way when someone has absolutely no experience with talking to other gender so much growing up. And then once they do, it's like they're talking to an alien. I think some guys forget that females are also humans like them and they don't get upset out of the blue "because that's how these weird spieces called girls behave" but because of logical reasons lol.

I've received legit abuse and insults for stating everything is subjective. People can't grasp the idea that just because two creatures say "there is an apple" it doesn't necessarily mean they are both seeing or feeling the same thing. It's to do with learned language applied to symbols. If an alien sees circles as we would see squares, and is in the same classroom as a human, when the teacher holds up the circle for the first time either has ever seen such a thing and says "this is a circle", both human and alien would forever agree "there is a circle" when seeing the same symbol, despite wildly different subjective perception.

@Someone here as I 've heard it is because upon birth is first time that the child's lugs get filled with air. and the world that it borns to is completely alien with blinding lights and people. plus , crying of the child induces oxytocin hormone in mother which causes the mom to lactate and many other purposes. I don't know for sure but those who have done medicine on the forum can shed more light on to this.

Did you ever play a game as a little kid where you were at home, went to the attic (or the cellar, or maybe you built a fortress out of sheets and pillows) and pretended to not be home? Your imagination transported you to some dark old castle, a remote island or an alien planet... in other words, to some eerie and foreign place, and it all felt terribly exiting and mysterious. Why did you do that? You did it because you wanted to experience what it feels like to not be home, experience the thrill of being lost in the wilderness, so to speak. God is playing the same game, in this very instant. God has not left you; God is playing pretend... pretending to be lost, pretending to not be you, to not be home. Take heart. ♡ You are always home, even if it doesn't look like it.

I don't experiment with those anymore and do plan to apply to a few jobs, it's just all very difficult because my mind works at this very low and unintegrated capacity, so I'm not sure at all, how or what I am capable of. I can snort cocaine and enjoy myself a little but can I do paperwork, take care of children in spite of feeling like an literal alien in this society, ugh...

So I can only know my own experience and then project that, but I don't think committing suicide is easy for anyone. I know for myself anyway at least there are a lot of random moments of feeling "good" or feeling more uplifted (mood and etc cycles) which give you hope, even if the vast majority of the time I'm depressed or miserable af. And I'm guessing it's like that for everyone. But the reason I would want to commit suicide anyway would be because I want to "end the cycle" and not let things repeat. It wouldn't be easy to do at all, and would require something impulsive or some strong emotion/(abstract conviction) to do it? So I'm more or less just randomly thinking if its like that for most other suicidal people. All light casts a shadow; if there are winners there are losers If I'm taking care of myself slightly better with mundane tasks, cooking, watching TV, I feel slightly better from that. But in the moments my senses are stimulated a lot, all I feel is shame in its stay. I barely have the energy to go through the motions, and whatever small uplifting boost I get from going through those motions in fact almost highlights what negativity I feel. I remember so many times when I was younger and I'd exercise, I'd always feel so shitty later in the day and be super depressed "why isn't this working" "why am I feeling worse". And if it gets to that point, it's like "what's the point?". I'm then a Sisyphus endlessly pushing boulders uphill. "Things can't get any worse"—bollocks. If one sees how terrible their life currently is, then, unless you're stupid, you'll understand that in the future you'll pay a worse price for continued idle. I thought my depression and depths of suffering couldn't get any darker; but they did. In my BPD-esque low, I desire and desire, yearn and yearn to no end. But I don't know a more painful cursed trait. Things would be easier if being an android was the only part about me. But this is not the case, and the longer things go on the more my self-humiliation tumour grows, till the shame corrodes my insides more and more. I forced myself to march through hell, exploded with rage, came across Lucifer (and Satan who more quickly left). The more I decided to be brave and face my fears, the more I decided to take the risk, the more the self-humiliation bugs ate me alive. And so in a cruel irony, my courage destroyed me further [I am not exaggerating, I am being serious here]. My rage ran out, crashed, left with nothing. I went through this hell of a year for absolutely no gain. All I have are regrets for things long ago I couldn't control and can't change, profoundly negative self esteem, and now a general disdain for actual ground reality which is divorced from digital hyperspace or fictional universes. Before my first breath, before God's first name was decreed, it was destined that this fate would befall me. The dominos were set in motion long ago, I had no choice. The cosmic play and tragedy. —— All that's left is rot and decay, never ending emptiness which gets highlighted further by all attempts to return to how things were or should be. I am an android, angel, demon, alien, the label makes no difference. With the freedom to think, the mind can think whatever it wants. I don't even have the desire to be happier, because I have 0 framework for what that can mean. The desire for happiness is some vague tautology, and I do not have a ""self"" which can become happier. I no longer can summon any hysteria or rage at my castration. Any rage at how my costume, persona and self is like an old, itchy suit I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST INCLINATION TO WEAR. SO I MUST PROFFER; DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WALK INTO CLOWN COURT ONCE AGAIN. I have no rage left, all I can do is present to you these phantoms. Wisps of smoke I present and give to you. My Self is like a whirling infinitesimal fluid element, there is no complexity to or substance to my emotion. Just phantoms and ghosts of the already dead. I will re-iterate this message about how I'm feeling, in case anyone I know is reading this if/after I've killed myself. I have no reality, I'm a walking ghost. The appearance and projection of self isn't the same as self. There is nothing behind the mask; "All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks". Absolutely nothing exists beyond appearance and form, and that is the great tragedy. Nothing exists but appearance. But You are not You; You have no blood, no body, no bones. You are just a thought. A vagrant, foolish thought, forlorn and wandering for all eternity. All I say is a lie and nothing is the truth. My whaling hunt of malice is over, and in perfect solipsistic humour I was all the more pranked after it's conclusion. I am praying for the downfall of this species and cheering for its demise. May I see you all never. And if by some cosmic joke I should have to see any of you again after my death, I will take it upon myself to slaughter you where you stand, Amen.

Love. It's so alien and terrifying.

@Raptorsin7 What do you like about his way of pushing boundaries specifically? Becauss I think that his style is much less about pushing boundaries and more about being non partisan and centrist while having a dry self deprecating sense of humor with a bit of trolling, in so far as I've seen his interactons with Vaush, Rose, BookSmarts, Stardust and Destiny, this is the style I intuit from him. He is also not that interested in optics, manipulation and rhetoric and more interested in triggering some kind of reaction which creates self awareness of one's blind spot on specific hot issues. Objectively speaking, we have to create a few categories in regards to handling Pedophilia: one catagory is those who have a natural attraction to children, yet are tame and congruent with their society around them that they are highly responsible in how they handle their sexual urge, for example masturbating in private. Another catagory is Paedophiles who have natural attraction, but are less tame and incongruous to society around them, and either have less responsibility in handling their sexual urge in a healthy way which can lead to catharsis, or don't care and choose to express those urges, aka the pedophiles who are more sociopathic and/or psychopathic, which creates the sub category of psychological development and personality traits/typing. Objectively speaking, if their behaviours are significantly self monitored by themselves, or are managed by outside, then they are in the first catagory which are benign pedos, whuch means that standards in treating such cases would be lighter. However, if they develop across to the second category, and are born with those tendencies and are traumatized in childhood and haven't processed the childhood abuse out of their system, and either have the desire, intent and a history of offense, then in the second catagory our prescriptive approach changes into harsher treatment of such hard cases. Your subjective experience unfortunately is inferior to the objective approach in handling this issue, because the way you are asking how this issue should be handled is at the collective level of institutions, organisations, court systems, which is largely governed by consensus reality, cultures and objective agreed upon standards using the secular modernism framework. Just because god is the highest love in the infinitum domain, does not equal all Pedophilia is good in the relative domain. You are conflating God's love to being equal to relative treatemnt of a finite issue. This is like taking Leo's premise about all of reality is good, then adding a specific finite issue, and concluding from that that all aspects of that specific issue is good. That is a valid argument, but isn't sound and tenuous at best going from premises to conclusion. You are also confusing and conflating the relativity domain to absolute, by saying how this struggle is contradicting the claim that reality is all good, which is like making an apples to orange comparison, except you are comparing an apple to an alien planet, which has many layers of contrasts and isn't the same catagory at all.