Sine

Actually, I made these drawings about it, him and the part of me that never left heaven, looking after my stupid human body that is stuck on earth. There is something about his eyes in the picture that came out really much like his eyes actually were, I think. Haha fuck, it makes me sad looking into them.

I decided not to take the trip to go with his family to spread the ashes. It was a difficult decision. One part of me feels like I need to do more to move on, more to say goodbye, more to heal. This part also feels very guilty and like I somehow need to prove I'm a good human even though I couldn't or didn't prevent him from killing himself. Another part of me, the part I, at last, ended up listening to, needs to be still with it, not trying to improve or fix it anymore. I feel super lost without him. I always struggled with feeling like I didn't have an anchor, center, or steady ground beneath my feet. That's also why I'm so scared of going on more trips. Reality already feels so malleable and unsteady; just the thought of tripping in a world where he is dead scares me. But of course, I'm also curious. I'm curious to smoke DMT and see the world he saw because I never did; I just watched him once or twice. But I've listened to all of his stories about it. One time I smoked the rest of what was left in the pipe, but it was barely anything; I just got the feeling of the body becoming heavy and had a little vision of him becoming something else, a sort of creature. I have thought that maybe if I could get some DMT, I could go find him in that world. But I know that's probably a dysfunctional reason. I have two 2-CB pills he gave me because I wanted to do it with some guy, but I never did. Now I feel so stupid; why would I ever want to go on a trip with anyone else than him? Maybe I could find him if I went on a trip alone and really made an effort. But I won't do that. It will just fuck me more up than I already am. I want to move on, just a little bit. It's just so difficult. I think it's the most difficult I have ever gone through, and I have gone through a lot of shit; he would sign for that. Even though he was being so ungrounded, he was my ground in many ways. It's like two people with no connection to earth holding on to each other, gaining at least a little bit of centeredness or groundedness, but now he has let go of me, and I'm alone floating around in space. It's so unfair because I think he was comfortable floating like that. That's why he dared to die and became addicted to the DMT world. From what I've heard about it, it's the idea I have of floating freely around in space. Beautiful and safe to him, super super scary to me. The feeling of having no anchor makes me fear for my other relationships. Friends, family and the new relationships I will make when school starts. I'm afraid that if I'm not being carefull, the clinginess and desperation I feel will seep out through me for everyone to see and people will never love me then. It's such a wheel of pain. I know I shouldn't need another person so much, but I can't help it. I really can't. I have tried so much for so many years to become detached from relationships, detached from my body, desires...ego. I give up. I want to accept he is dead, I want to be free, and I want to love myself so much that I don't need anyone else. But I can't ...like... The result of all of this journey is that I can't. So I give up. I can't say goodbye to him, and I can't love myself so... But is it possible to quit this game without killing yourself? Because that's another thing, I just can't. .... I forgot one thing I wanted to write about. The picture below reminded me. Someone said in a youtube video or something that a part of us never leaves heaven. I think it was Bashar. That filled me with peace. That somewhere, we have never been apart. Somewhere I'm holding him right now. I know it's probably not connected, but it feels connected to other thoughts I have had about whales, which are my favorite animals, because I like to think about how there is always a whale somewhere swimming around deep down in the darkness, just being really really big doing it's whale things in the calmness of the ocean. There is something to that feeling I get when I think about whales that feels the same when I think about how a part of us never left heaven.

What is your reasoning behind this? I would say if you feel tired, then go meditate in the hall. If you can't sleep at night, then meditate while lying down.

Yes. Thank you <3 I feel hugged too

He wrote to me on Instagram that he couldn't be better. But Wave used to talk about stuff like that - how beautiful life was, how love was everywhere and that he had never been better. Then he did it anyway, or because of it, I don't know. Fuck, it's so frustrating right now, not being able to do shit.

Can we help him? The comments on the pictures are fucked. Especially the gun picture is more obvious that something is wrong. But don't you think he has friends/family that sees his account and maybe lives close to him?

<3

Yes, I feel the same. It feels very different and very sudden. But maybe like @Vynce and @LSD-Rumi said - he wouldn't just go straight to insane/suicidal in one day, but it would have shown earlier. But I don't know, when did he post all those netflix post on the blog. usually, he doesn't post mutually posts there on the same day, right? It's just when Wave became manic before his suicide one sign was that he posted weird things all the time, every hour. So that's why I'm thinking like this. but maybe it is just projections. I would just really hate it if something is actually wrong. But we can't really do anything when we are not his friends irl, so it's so frustrating right now. I wish I could just call him.

Okay. That's a good way to look at it, if it went really bad it would be going on for longer. Okay. Yes, I'm probably projecting my insecurities, you are right. I just felt I had to express my thoughts to you. Because of what I wrote earlier, I would feel really bad if he did it and I hadn't expressed my worries. Even though you are correct, since you have had God's realizations, I don't get why you wouldn't communicate in a more loving manner to me when I clearly feel anxious? - projections or not. It's not just "wtf" people actually do commit suicide sometimes just from one day to another <3

@Nilsi now he put a picture on Instagram holding a gun. I feel really bad about it. I'm worrying if he will shoot himself? What would it be about otherwise?

Okay, I'm just extra watchful of this because I lost someone to suicide who behaved like this, very deep ecstasy can be dangerous. But I see your point. I guess it's a matter of it continuing or not.

Well, maybe you are right, but then we should be worried. His behavior of posting weird stuff every hour seems like a manic episode to me. In the worst-case scenario, it could result in suicide. Do we know if anyone in here is physically friends with him?

I've used Phenibut a couple of times instead of using alcohol at social events, it worked fine, and I never experienced side effects.

Yes, I think it could be something like this. Otherwise, I'd be worried if it continues