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About Sine

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  • Birthday 01/17/1995

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  1. To me, it seems very masculine the way you want to take up this quest of integrating masculine energy. A question to ask yourself is: In what ways do you already use the masculine energy in your life? (even though feminine might be more dominant, I'm sure it is not all feminine) In what ways do you use this masculine energy negatively and positively? what does being masculine mean to you, and is this image something that you would benefit from taking another perspective upon? I would also recommend some of Teals Swan's youtube videos if you don't already know her. She has some interesting views on masculinity and femininity and the relationship between these two - also tools to work with childhood trauma. I admire you so much for taking a look at your patterns and shadows like this. That is such a brave thing to do. As you said, you lost the weight, you helped your mom, you have honest caring conversations with your girlfriend - a thing that must have made her feel like you took care of her and her inner life - and now you are doing this, looking at yourself like this, taking up the work. This seems like healthy masculine traits / a healthy way of using masculine energy. So yea. Maybe you are already standing in the middle of where you thought you were supposed to go.
  2. Read this book:
  3. Have you watched this one? : Also maybe dive into strong determination meditation (adhitthana):ṭṭhāna Also maybe do ayahuasca, if possible in your country. This is my advice. You will find that returning to love does not make you weak. On the contrary, you will find a strength that only a few people in this world possess. Looking your naked self straight in the eyes is true bravery. integrating these aspects in your life has been so important and brave of you. Already a step on the way into letting go of ego. Seems to me like you are very much on your way to untangle yourself off from delusion. If you have been hiding in a macho masculinity and stage red, it has been brave of you to let go of this, integrating aspects like calm, peace, and passive in your life. Maybe it is time now for you to dive into the aspects of this path, that are definitely not "pussy" in the ordinary sense of the word, but very much pussy in the actual sense. Contemplate what a pussy is, in fact, able to do. You yourself, with all your demons and all your bliss and beauty, were made from pussy. God is pussy - as someone above my comment correctly put it. It's so beautiful how you put this word in the title without understanding its true meaning. Spirituality will make you a pussy, hahaha, the strongest force on earth. you stupid man No, seriously. You are doing good I believe. Keep going.
  4. I think Matt Kahn could be understood as a feminine resource" even though he is a man.
  5. I study psychology and I don't find it super useful for my own work.. at least not most of the time, but sometimes there is something interesting that I read more into - as we had about narrative therapy and that really made me realize a lot about how I live the stories I tell myself - and then I read a book about it the professor recommended me, which gave me a lot of tools to change this. This was actually a really important step on my path now when I think about it... But yea psychology is definitely more useful for helping others who haven't started on the path of self-development yet! But just in itself self, the subject is super interesting (but of course that is just how I feel) I enjoy that we both go through philosophy, the more biological stuff like neuroscience, and then subjects like trauma and child development. Also, you can take it in so many directions further on, which is good if you feel passionate about lots of things or just want to have every option open! I used to want to do science and research on psychedelics and psychedelic therapy. Then I became more interested in neuroscience and was so much in love with all the brain stuff. Then it was more trauma and psychotherapy-subject - which was my plan to add further on. I also wanted to work with astronauts and how you can be successful when working in difficult conditions (like outer space) at some point! I also thought about running my own therapy center with psychedelic therapy! haha... And.. now I'm more interested in just making art .. So I use my studies as inspirations for this - but I really don't know. There are many options! Also I enjoy it when we read something philosophy-like, which we sometimes do. I think I have learned some stuff from studying psychology that has made me better able to communicate with my friends (help them when they feel down) actually. Mostly from reading about narrative therapy though, which I could have done on my own I guess. It is a very useful subject to study because it gives you a lot of credit in society if, for example, you choose to study psychotherapy further on or something like that - you will have more credibility with the psychology title also. But yea if studying is purely for your own sake and not to get a job I would choose philosophy or maybe literature/art ... but like... if it's not to get a job then maybe go travel or go live at a vipassana center or ayahuasca center instead. But actually... When I think about it... Every subject you can study has the potential of being useful for self-development. Because everything is you and you can be passionate about discovering yourself from different lenses... art... biology... mathematics... philosophy...psychology/neuro-science.... animal studies (!!) It's all just ways of looking at God. You can't do anything wrong really. Maybe just choose what you are good at or what you liked to do as a child.
  6. This is so very cool thank you for sharing! Reminded me of this beautiful verse from the Vipassana chantings. (from udana-gatha/verses of joy - when Gautama Buddha attained liberation)
  7. Thank you! No, I still have them if I'm not careful about food, but they haven't been so bad at the one I was describing. Yea it makes sense - orgasmic, blissful, ecstatic expansion - what an awesome universe we have created
  8. I think I’m having a smaller awakening. Into self-love. And into my body. I have tears in my eyes writing this, it feels amazing, and I wish for everyone to have this kind of experience. This experience has lasted for a couple of weeks now, but it seems like it is not fading, but on the contrary - it seems like it is growing. Like it is still developing in me. I have so much pleasure from just being in this physical body. It’s not like I am in constant bliss, I can definitely feel pain, both physically and emotionally, but it is like the constant bliss is right underneath the surface and I can experiment with tapping into it. Haha. I went to the dentist without anesthesia. I almost had an orgasm from the sun hitting my bare skin through the window. The best thing is the sounds. At my very first baby trip (on LSD) years ago, I had this experience that I could feel sounds in my body. I remember the sound of someone pushing a shopping card over the sidewalk and how the sound kept vibrating in my body - creating an extreme amount of pleasure. During different trips through the years, such experiences have returned. But I’m not tripping now and it’s still here. Maybe not as intense, but I can tap into it without any difficulties. It is like I have become aware on an experiential level, that everything is vibration. Here is stuff that I did recently, leading up to this experience. I did them all with not more than a few weeks pause in-between: A little bit more than a week where I intensively practiced The Completion Process by Teal Swan – one to two times a day. (To those who don’t recognize this practice, it is a kind of hypnosis/inner-child-work that you can easily do on yourself. The purpose is to deal with difficult emotions from the root level, and in many ways, I guess it is also a perfect method to generate self-love towards neglected parts of yourself. I can highly recommend the practice, which you can find in this book: During this week I went very deep, into both actual memories, and visualizations of more abstract feelings. It occurred to me that a lot of the fear in my body that I wasn’t dealing with, ended up as a sort of blockage when doing psychedelics and other development practices. A seven-day ayahuasca retreat with four ceremonies, almost in a row. This was my second ayahuasca retreat and where the first one, last summer, had more of an existential flair to it, where I experienced non-duality and all that stuff, this retreat was more about my childhood and the collective female consciousness. During the trips, memories from my childhood were mixed up with memories from my mother’s childhood, books that have been read to me, childhood fantasy games I played, and also stuff I have read about or heard in the news. And I had to live through it all, it was pure pain and pure fear with glimpses of strength and love. Maybe I should add that I had a very abuse and violent childhood. The same was the case for my mother. In one of the ceremonies, I re-lived being a woman, murdered in a very violent way by a man. I had nowhere to run, I just had to be with it, so I did. In one of the ceremonies, the pain and horror subsided to a very powerful feeling where one of the female shamans, together with myself, could pull all this invisible pain and torture out of my body and throw it into the fire. It was very empowering, and I felt like an invincible witch giving birth to myself. Also, the whole day before this ceremony, I had had menstruation cramps without bleeding, they were stronger than normal – like I felt like I was going into labor. Which I guess I in some way I was. The last ceremony was however the most notable. Before we started, the lead shaman guided us through a hypnosis exercise, where we stood in front of a screen, showing us what we were supposed to work with, during the ceremony. I was first shown a picture of my mother getting beaten in the head by one of her ex-boyfriends, then my mother getting strangled in the kitchen by my father, and then, at last, I saw myself as a teenager getting strangled by my ex-boyfriend when I was in high school. Drinking the cup of ayahuasca that night, I had tears running down my face because I knew that I had to work with all this collective shit between males and females, and how it is insanely painful. I was very determined to go through it though. It has created too much pain in my life. It has to end now. The ceremony was me sitting in constant fear for the full night. I drank another cup when I realized that this time, the pain wouldn’t subside, and I had to stay with it for the full ceremony– again the only way out was through. It’s difficult to describe those kinds of experiences, but I just tried to be calm with the intense emotion and at some point, I asked if I could lay close to the opening of the tippy. The helpers also covered me in heavy blankets. But other than that, I was alone in holding the fear. As I knew it would, it lasted the whole ceremony, and it was as if it didn’t have a resolution. Ten-day Vipassana Course This was my second Vipassana course. I did the last one-two years ago. I was a bit reluctant to sign up for this, because of doing Ayahuasca only a couple of weeks before the start of the course. I remembered my first ayahuasca experience, where I had been very sick many days afterward, totally dissociating from my body – especially the senses of touch and taste I had lost. Luckily this time, maybe because I had been practicing the completion process, I had been less scared of facing my inner shit, so I was feeling good and was not dissociating. The Vipassana course ended up being the perfect way to integrate the ayahuasca ceremonies. As I mentioned, I had a feeling that the last ceremony never really ended. It was as if it continued into the Vipassana experience. During the ten days, I contemplated a lot of stuff about my relationship with romantic love and men. I also understood the technique in a very deeper way. I had many realizations about how I’m constantly reacting to sensations without thinking, how I have this thirst for good sensations that never ends, and how it is the cause of a lot of my suffering. Also, I had a few days that felt like waking up after a bad party. Like – regretting stuff I have done and said, or feeling pain now being aware of people in the past that I have hurt. In the meditations, I was better able to let go of the need for pleasure than in my previous course. I had a beautiful experience where all the pain and pleasure in my body simply was realized as vibrations. Then the voice in my head became a vibration and disappeared into itself. For a short moment, there was total silence. But it was not...nothing or empty. It was… peace, bliss, a good sensation, but a different kind of good. It was just… I was just. being. Then on the last night of Vipassana, my ayahuasca trip had its ending. Pure pain and fear a whole night. I am suffering from extreme stomach aces that the doctors haven’t been able to figure out. It wakes me up at night if I eat too much or eat the wrong food. On the last day, we had one more meal than the other days and that gave me the pain that night. Normally I would go out of bed to exercise or do yoga (because that is the only thing that helps) but I didn’t want to wake my roommate up, so I stayed in bed. Then I began to drift off into sleep, but the pain kept waking me, so it was in this state between awake and asleep that I started to have a nightmare. It felt very much like tripping. I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life, not even on the scariest ayahuasca ceremonies. This was the worst my stomach ace has ever been, I was cold-sweating, nauseous. And again, it came to a place where I realized the fear and the pain wouldn’t go away so I had to stay with it the full night. So, I did. And then. I’m not sure exactly when it happened. But since then, it has been so easy for me to feel love for both myself and everyone else. I look forward to meditating because it is such a pleasure. I listened to Leo’s video about self-love being the highest teaching again. He says in it, that one day we will come back to the recording, understanding it better, and I feel like that is me now. Understanding it. Coming back to self-love. I have so much compassion for the child and teenager I was. Everything I went through. I am so happy that I am experiencing this now because when I think back on the beginning of my adulthood, I have struggled so much, and I have been so sad and unnecessarily scared. At the same time, I am aware that my memories - what did and did not happen, what I remember in pictures, and what I remember as feelings or sensations. It doesn't really matter. It is the feeling of owning the past but.. well maybe more of owning the experience of the past, that I have. Because my experience in the now is the only thing there is. I guess I never really understood what big a part of my misery had to do with fear. I am not rid of the fear, I still experience fear and panic when I wake up in the morning, but I am more aware of it now, dealing with it – where usually I just numbed it with a long to-do-list, jumping out of bed to have enough time to do everything. I know I still have a long way to go, and I am motivated to grow even more, but if this should be the only step I ever reach, I would actually be quite satisfied, haha. Just wanted to share this – especially that it was valuable for me to do self-therapy – ayahuasca – vipassana in a row. I also had a few talks with a therapist who was very wise in regards to the emotional body before it all. I try as best as I can to practice the completion process for an hour or so in the morning. I do the Vipassana meditation for an hour before going to bed at night. Ending with a loving-kindness mediation. Practicing this helps me stay aware of both my emotions and physical sensations, and I think that by keeping these practices, I help the awakening to grow instead of fade. One big change I also feel in my daily life is that I am enjoying so much to just be alone (or with my dog). These days I have zero need to spend time with friends or create new relationships. It’s not that I don’t want that, it’s just that right now I have so much to experience just in being me. I’m also getting more creative and feel like I want to consume and create art all the time. The world is so amazing. Existing is so cool. I don’t want to miss a single moment haha. Like, it is not like that ecstatic feeling of being in love. It is more like calm. Like secure. I feel secure. Thanks for reading this far if you did. Love you (of course).
  9. To the masculine. Insights come to you quickly and violently. Explosions. Eroding you. Killing your fakeness in chunks. As your opposite, my insights arise on me slowly, grows in me as dandelions, with intense patience, cracking the parts of me that are locked and heavy, open for the sun to enter. Slowly, slowly killing the parts in me that are untrue. As yet another crack into the light, I was suddenly stretching into this understanding; I can never lose you. And with this understanding, a lineage of fear started to loosen up, ready to be shaken off from my shoulders. Wisdom is a rumor until it lives in the bones. Living this truth these days, I sit in silence and listen to every part of my body, embracing the impermanence with love, and for the first time, joy instead of fear. Certain that nothing is never really lost. I lean back a little bit. There are birds in the sky and fruits on the trees and I am running on the field with my dog, faster and faster, arms wide open. Listening to your music. This song; eyes wide open. Remembering your eyes in the sun with your smile. It makes sense now. The lives I lived with you I no longer want to recognize. As I grow, looking back I am ashamed. Like Eve, realizing she was naked. Holding this part in me I whisper to myself; I did not know any better, I did not know how to protect myself. I did not know how to protect you. You think you hurt me but I promise I was letting you. This is the greatest sin but also yet another natural law. I want to embrace this part of me with love. I want to release myself from this now. Blindly, I was reacting to every sensation. Controlled by the fear of losing you, losing protection, being without, and being alone. All alone, so alone. I am finding the balance now, between cravings and aversions, finding a place to stand still and feel safe. How can you feel unsafe when you are on the path of God I remind myself. God is great. She is so great that I and everything I am and ever was, is included in everything he is, which is also you. And this is love. Forever love. Nothing else. This eternal love is the love I want to resemble in my behavior towards you and every other being that you are and ever will be. I want to grow every day learning to love you better. Educating myself so I can press my forehead tenderly towards all your faces, assuring you that it is not possible for me to not embrace you. It is within this love that I want to be your woman. Every woman I can be to every man you can be. With you, I recognize that no matter how great of an effort we put into separating ourselves from each other, there was never an end nor a beginning to our dance together. Please, twirl me one more time. I will look forward, with butterflies in my stomach, to the second I return back around, looking up into your eyes, whatever color they might be this time, waiting for your embrace. x The feminine. Your silly dancer, always.
  10. But how can you get into an argument, if you are not attached to either side? I don't doubt your experience at all and I myself find the spiral dynamics model very useful, also regarding personal development, so it's because I'm genuinely interested.
  11. @Fearey Where is the picture in your post from?
  12. Also when you visit your parents?
  13. Because why fill yourself up with energy right when you need it the least?