Sine

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About Sine

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  • Birthday 01/17/1995

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    Denmark
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  1. Today was the third time in therapy. I talked about a bunch of stuff about my mom and Silver, something that had happened at an event at my school. I don’t feel so attached to it anymore, so I don’t need to write about it here. I just want to recap for myself some of the key points from therapy. Need to practice not caring about what other people (my mom) thinks about me too much – remember I have a separate identity that will not crumble even if she “doesn’t like my joke” or gets sad if I put up a boundary. No need to ask about her opinion or validation in relation to my dating life, too many opinions can even ruin the beginning of a relationship. Get better at preparing myself if I know an emotional difficult situation will come – for example when I have been visiting my mom or my girlfriends and come home, I know that I will often feel stressed and feel that I’m lacking behind on chores. There are specific skills I can use to prepare for those situations. Expose myself to shame at least 5 times pr. Week for the next two weeks. Situations I know brings up shame in me – 1) being happy (I feel bad for my parents, feeling like now I have energy and happiness, so I need to give something to them, or it’s not okay to feel happy when my parents suffer so much) and 2) expressing boundaries. I exposed myself to shame two times today: The first one was when my friend Alexander called, wanting to talk to me about a girl he has feelings for, but he figured he didn’t want a relationship with her, instead he would like her as a partner for tantric sex and workshops. It triggered me a lot, so I couldn’t be what he needed in that situation. I told him how I felt and suggested that he could call our other friend (who is a guy) instead of me. I also told him that I loved him and that he wasn’t alone, then I said goodbye even though I could sense he wanted to talk more. That made me feel a lot of shame, and I had thoughts like I was being selfish and a bad friend, but I then recognized the situation as me putting up a boundary and I felt it was more okay because I knew I had that assignment of exposing myself to shame. The other situation was a man who started to talk to me while I walked my dog, he said he was lonely and told me that he had a dog who had died not so long ago. I stayed and talked to him a little bit, but then I closed the conversation. I felt shame because I thought that a good person would have stayed much longer, I thought about how my mom always talks to people on the street, always making them feel seen and happy, and how I’m more introverted, and that made me feel contracted and I started thinking negative thoughts about myself. But then I remembered I had to expose myself to shame and maybe closing the conversation, was boundary-setting. I feel proud of myself for prioritizing practicing the therapy-skills, taking the process very seriously. I wish to feel the love that stems from that.
  2. I have updated far too little, I can tell how important it is, that I write about the process, because so many things and feelings have happened that I have lost track a little bit. I’m in a situation right now, and even though a part of me thinks I should prioritize work right now, I’m prioritizing to track this feeling (shame), and use some of the therapeutic tecniques, so I can make progress. I’m grateful that I’m prioritizing this, and I wish to feel the love from that. The situation: An accident happened with my brother, who lives in my city, so my mother slept over at my place. In general, I knew I was talking too much and being too hectic. It’s often like this, from both of us, that we talk too much and exhaust ourselves and the other, because we both have this childish wish for the other to know everything we experience and think. In a way I can see the love and beauty in that, but in another way, I can also see how this is selfish, and the opposite of loving the other. Especially when I’m doing it, because my mom has expressed earlier that it’s too much (she suffers from ADHD and quite severe PTSD, so she has trouble with spatial memory and focusing on one thing, while for example walking in a city where lots of stuff is happening around her). While I’m walking her to the metro, I start telling her about my friend, and she asks a question, but instead of answering directly, I go of track and want to explain something else before answering her (something I know is a stressor for her, but I often do it anyway without thinking). She corrects me, and starts generalizing, saying how I “always” do that, and her tone feel very harsh to me, shaming me, saying like “that was not what I asked you, can’t you just tell me the thing.” The wise one in me knows of course that she doesn’t hate me or wish to disown me, she is just stressed. But I interpret it as if she doesn’t like me, and because a part of me is more scared of being separate from her than anything else, I start to feel negatively about myself and utters this passively aggressive sentence, something like “Exactly, Yikes! (I’m such a disgusting person). Then she gets sad (turns away from me, the energy feels contracted – she is probably also feeling shameful, for “making me feel badly about myself” – luckily, she didn’t stick to this behavior and turned around and hugged me and gave me a compliment. This could be an expression of the work she has also done on herself and that she has been thinking about how to make our relationship better, but a part of me also suspects that it is, in her mind, “another episode where she has to deal with her mentally ill and lost-cause-daughter.” I then help her on the metro, also being a little stressed myself at this point, but as we say goodbye everything feels good. When she is gone, I see I still have the blouse on that she was going to borrow from me. This makes me feel super bad and I make a voice message to her, saying I’m sorry. She responds that it doesn’t matter, that she already forgot about it. This makes me feel very shameful and guilty. Some of the thoughts I have is: she doesn’t deserve to have such a bad/selfish/egoistic daughter, I don’t have any control over myself – I always have the intention to be calm around her, but I always end up talking to much, I’m too needy, I’m disgusting, the family would be better off without me, I’m a drama-queen, I’m mentally ill, somethings wrong with me. My first reaction would have been to go visit her soon (and cancel other plans) to give myself “another chance.” This happened too much last months and I totally wrecked my budget for buying train tickets, but that was good because then I became very aware of how sick I was behaving. Another reaction would have been to call her of make voice messages to feel assured that she is not angry with me, saying that I’m sorry. But I’m not going to do that, what I did instead was to read about shame and guilt check the facts if the intensity of my feelings matches reality. Shame matches the situation if: you know you’ll be rejected by a person or a group you care for if they learn about a certain quality in you or a certain behavior. So, it makes sense that I feel shameful because I do care about her, and she rejected the part of me that talks a lot and is eager to tell her about my life. Guilt matches the situation if: you do something that is out of alignment with your values. It also makes sense that I feel guilty, because I have the intention to be calm around my mom and not be too needy or must tell her everything. I’m not sure if I’m doing this wrong. It also says (on the papers I got from therapy) that shame can happen because of one’s own interpretation of a situation – the therapist talked about that, that I’m doing that. Facts could maybe be that: - Just because I talk too much and is not successful in creating a calm atmosphere around her, doesn’t mean I’m a bad daughter in general, and that I doesn’t have other good qualities that helps her in life. I’m not sure… - Maybe she doesn’t think about it/cares as much about it as I do. - She is not rejecting me completely; I’m not losing her in my life. - She still loves me, even if I have faults. I don’t know if I’m doing this right. Right now, it’s just making me sadder. But then, even if the feeling matches the facts, you should only react on them (like call her and say sorry) if it’s true according to my wiser mind. But I know that I need to be more okay with her not being completely satisfied with me all the time, like even if I can’t figure out my thoughts and emotions right now, I know that it’s not beneficial to become this sad and self-hating about a situation like this. Like I have friends where they can really get angry at their parents and the parents gets angry at them, and they feel okay about it and like it’s normal, so I’m still going to do the opposite of shame, which would be to not tell her I’m sorry. Telling about the feelings to people that won’t reject me (this forum), and carry my body like I’m worthy and innocent.
  3. @Sugarcoat I think you'd enjoy and find benefit from checking out this instagram profile https://www.instagram.com/reel/CtHbiJoAY1O/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igshid=MmJiY2I4NDBkZg== - this post is about self seduction
  4. @Sugarcoat in my experience people really do get more physical attractive when they work on themselves and become more loving (towards themselves and others) and more authentic. I have so many girlfriends that looks so differently, but they all really make an effort in life (more so in spirituality, love, art, healthy living - than for example make-up skills and gym work-outs) and they are all really beautiful to me, and I'm sure to many men. I also have male friends that have such different taste in women, one of them never likes the ones I think are hot, because he prefers women to be a little more on the chubby side. Then I have another male friend who likes women to be so skinny they are almost boy-ish looking. Hotness is not so black and white really. I'm right in the middle of that, so they are not super attracted to me, but I know sometimes when we are laughing, connecting in a special way or I say something in an accidentally really authentic way - or stuff like that, we have a moment where I notice they are physical attracted to me. it's so much chemistry and "type" - like.. Your not ugly, you're just not your type
  5. Wow, thank you for sharing this channel <3
  6. Everything written by Matt Kahn <3 You'd like the latest book "the power of holding space"
  7. I believe there are aspects of self love at all stages. At red and orange, fighting for your own survival physically and socially is a type of self love, and blue and green is where the realization that love for others is love for yourself starts to kick in, even though it sometimes gets distorted. At yellow and turquoise i believe it starts to become more conscious, and like - wanting to love yourself and learn how to - is in a way a proof of self love. I find it helpful to spend time with people that speaks lovingly about themselves, there mistakes etc. - Most stage green/yellow people will do this. Leo has also made a video on "what is love" - when i listen to it (and also the video on how to stop people pleasing) I feel it triggers self love feelings, and wanting to take care of myself and be with myself. I can also recommend reading the journal of user @Sincerity - reading some of the posts in it made me remember how I want to talk to myself. Another way to embody it is also to start a self-pleasure practice, like having sex with yourself in a more sensual "spiritual" way.
  8. So, I just returned from the second therapy session. I am a little tired, but I also feel excited about the things I figured out, and what I’m going to work on for the next two weeks, until the next session. I want to write it down here now, even though I’m tired, so I can remember it better. I haven’t written in this journal as much as I wanted to the past week, because my emotions have been so confusing and all over the place, luckily, it’s a part of this therapy to fill out this note-form-diary, so I could sort of figure out what had happened, and what had caused how I have felt. The big thing was the party I wrote about in the previous post, and my relationship with Silver. This ended up being the topic for this session. I felt some hesitancy to speak about it, because it seems so stupid and obvious – something I wouldn’t waste time to talk about, because it’s obviously stupid to stay in a relationship, and keep feeling love and care towards someone, that doesn’t care about you at all, doesn’t raise your quality of life – well in fact someone that makes you feel bad about yourself most of the time. However, I’m glad we ended up talking about it, because there is a part in me, that is caught up in this pattern - she needs to hear all this many times, and she also needs clear directions on how to manage getting out of the relationship and not fall into something similar again. Something good happened this weekend though. I went to another party at a summerhouse. I was supposed to stay for the full weekend with some of my close friends (not from school but people I have met from ayahuasca-retreats, so very stage green-vibes). I felt very off, like not connected to my body, I was dissociation (losing my sense of taste and touch). I felt like it wouldn’t be beneficial for me to do psychedelics or MDMA, and I knew it would be hard to pass if I stayed, because everyone else would be doing it (it's natural that I would want to feel connected to them and join in). So, I went home, even though I was embarrassed to leave only a few hours after I got there. I’m so proud I did that. It’s a step in the right direction of where I want to go – I want to become someone that acts out of love for herself and doesn’t feel shameful about doing that, even if it means that I must disappoint other people sometimes. I want to dare to disappoint others occasionally. Even writing it feels a bit – bad – so there’s some way to go. At the session today I sorted out my feelings for Silver. - The things about him that attracted me in the beginning: the way he seemed confident, like he was better than the rest of the group, or at least didn’t need other people’s validation, it felt like he had enough in himself, and like he had something inside him that I wanted to know about - like I would be someone special, if he would choose to reveal it to me. I also liked the way he looked. He was big and tall and moved in a calm way, he also spoke slowly in a deep voice, carefully choosing his words, like he wasn’t afraid of wasting people’s time. When we started to talk, I was also attracted to him because we had a good flow in our conversations and had the thing in common that we both perceive reality differently than most people and like to talk about existential topics. The first time we were alone in my apartment I also felt a bit of fear, and I am aware that I sometimes mistake this feeling for attraction. I became more attracted to him after we found out he had met Wave – they had connected during a couple of parties, the summer before he died. I am aware that a lot of the qualities I mention above is stuff I want to build in myself, for example I want to become better at not needing other people’s validation and I also want to become more calm, more secure in my being. Other things that feed the attraction, even though the relationship hurts me: - There is a self-harm component to it. - I get caught up in thoughts and stories, for example I look at him and feel so much care, because I think about how his childhood was awful and that I can fulfill something he never had. I make up stories about how I can see the child in him. - Occasionally he shows me affection and says nice things, like he loves me, that he wants me to be beside him when he is old and dying, that I’m beautiful. - It triggers a fear of being egoistical/a bad person if I reject him, doesn’t answer the phone if he calls me, blocks him etc. Key points: - The feeling of love doesn’t match the facts (besides universal love for all beings). - If a thief wants to steal your wallet, he will be nice to you. - Sometimes it can be more egoistical to take another person’s problem on as your own, constantly trying to please them and help them. Challenges are great gifts of life, it’s what gives you the opportunity to grow and learn. If I choose to do what is best for me, which in this case would be to step away, maybe that would be the exact catalyst he needs to move closer to God, maybe that would be the best way to love him. The goal for the next two weeks: 1) Awareness of when I feel love and shame, check if the feelings match the facts of the situations – if not then act opposite. 2) Make a list on what I want in a partner/relationship and compare with the facts on my relationship with Silver. I will also continue to meditate every day. I want to add Teal Swans completions process as a daily, or at least weekly, practice again. I listened to Leo’s video on gaslighting and something I took from it was the realization that I often, automatically, have felt that it would be worse to falsely believe that I was right about something, and the other person wrong. I have overlooked that it could be just as bad if I falsely believed the other person was right. (Especially if it’s about my feelings or perception of a situation/ a relationship). I could start to give myself the benefit of the doubt more often. While I listened to the episode, I started to feel calmer, and more authentic (like my true inner self) - especially when he spoke about how literally everyone will gaslight you because no one experience reality exactly like you, and only very few people experience it similarly to you if you do this work. It made me feel less lonely in a sense, and happy about just being. Like I was okay. I’m not sure if I’m just tired but all of this feels a bit weird, like it’s not completely authentic, but then again, I think it’s the best I’ve got today. I also felt it a bit at the therapist – maybe I’m slightly in a victim mindset or something. It could also just be because I feel all of this is so obvious in a sense, that it feels like I’m faking when I write that it was stuff I figured out. But I think a lot of people in this forum will know that sometimes when you learn something, it can feel like you are just remembering something you already knew. Maybe the thing is that I feel shameful right now, the therapist said that I was a very empathic person capable of really much love, and I feel that the things I wrote here, sounds like I am. And that makes me feel shame, because I have a belief that deep down, I am in fact a bad, egoistic person. And then there’s all these thoughts about how every human is egoistical deep down. But I also know that that’s not the same as being a full-blown narcissist. Wow. This stuff is so complicated. But still...I’m so grateful that I started this therapy and I’m so amazed that I did it out of love for myself. I love to feel loved by me, I love to see how I’m becoming so capable of managing the challenges in my life. I’m so excited about the things I learn.
  9. Obviously, when life is easy/simple and I'm alone, doing my normal routines - it’s easy for me to be aware and make decisions that will be the most beneficial in regards of changing my life for the better. When socializing or when challenging things happens, it gets a bit more difficult. I know that. But still, I feel frustrated about what happened last night. Phoenix had slept over at my place the past two night, she is taking courses in the city and needed a place to stay. It was nice to see her, she is my best friend, but we went to bed very late which meant that I hadn’t slept enough and therefor was more vulnerable. Then changes in my plans happened so I had to meet with my brother, before going to a party/gathering one of my classmates hosted. We started early, cooking together (it was only people from my class so a small group), and because I had already been social with Phoenix and my brother, I had decided I wouldn’t stay for long. But then again, if I’m completely honest with myself, I knew also that I wouldn’t keep that, because I knew I would end up waiting for Silver, putting myself in a situation (again) where I would get rejected or humiliated. Almost as if a part of me thought it would be fun – like that part of me is very masochistic or something. Which I guess is fair enough, I just wish it could be practiced without involving the rest of me, who doesn’t like that game at all. First situation was in the morning where my brother texted me, asking if I could meet with him after his GA-meeting. I became very proud and happy that he wanted to, because I have tried to call him more often, trying to build a connection that doesn’t have to go through my mother all the time, so I said yes even though it meant I had to arrive to the party an hour later. I had to text this to the guy from my class I was supposed to cook the dinner with. Phoenix started this whole preach about how I shouldn’t ask for his permission and write the text in a more direct (harsh) tone, and the whole thing was sort of counterintuitive because she was bossing me around to become a person that wouldn’t be bossed around. I was getting nervous, and probably shameful, feeling guilty about being late, but I also knew it was the right thing to do, to go see my brother, so I made myself aware of the feelings, wrote them down and decided that if someone was mad at me or something, then that’s fine. The second situation was when I arrived at the party. We were only four because almost everyone was late. Silver hadn’t arrived yet, and I felt tired and a bit off. I wanted him to come, and I wanted to text him, but I stopped myself from it multiple times – I registered that I had a story in my head that I would feel safer and calmer if he was there, but that’s not true. It’s not like he does anything like, often he doesn’t even ask how I am, or acknowledge in any other way, that we have connected with each other more, than we both have with any of the other people in our class. And, he has done and said things many times, that most people (I imagine) would be angry about and not want to spend time with him anymore. I just don’t feel that. I felt like texting him, telling him I would feel better if he was there – and sadly I ended up doing that. Later more people (including Silver) arrived, I talked with a lot of the girls, including Alba, which was great because I have wanted to get to know her better since the study trip (she was a big part of the reason I decided to start therapy, because she opened up to me about her relationship with her mom and her own journey with therapy). I said to myself everything around Silver didn’t matter, and that I would go home early, but then one of the guys got me an energy drink (because I don’t drink alcohol) and then at one point I was talking to Silver and another guy and I don’t know I just started to feel more and more like nothing mattered and then I smoked a joint (that I brought myself – but still, I had sort of decided not to smoke, but then again I was lying to myself, because then why would I have brought it). Luckily, I didn’t get paranoid, but it felt nice and funny, and I felt better with my class than I have felt for a long time, like it was super fun to be together all of us, and I don’t think I did anything too weird or anything. But yea then, as I felt more and more numb and like – yea whatever it’s okay to party and everything shouldn’t be so serious and – then I texted Silver if he wanted to leave together when he wanted to leave, and he nodded across from the table. I feel super bad about this and just shameful writing it down. It sounds so teenage-drama-ish just not being able to ask out loud, all this stupid secret relationship-weird-shit, and it’s not what I want. Not at all. I said to myself I just didn’t want to walk to the train alone. Another lie, because part of me was hoping he would come home with me and sleep over. The worst is, that I was somewhat aware of this, I just didn’t stop up – I reacted too quickly. The third situation was in the train. I thought he would change at my station, so we would have time to – whatever – but then, he didn’t tell me he would change at another stop, I don’t know, so when I had to get off he just said goodbye like nothing, and I was very confused and felt so abandoned, which doesn’t make sense in relation to the actual situation but I still felt that. When I got home, I seriously considered to ask him to block me on the phone, but I also felt it would create drama, and I don’t want that, I want to be able to control myself – for fucks sake. I want to be able to not hurt myself (through him or other people). I feel now how vulnerable it will feel to post this for all to see. But I want to be honest in documenting this journey, and with the title I choose, I feel trust that change will happen, and I will look back at this at one point with compassion, happy that I’m able to love myself better now. There is no reason for that day not to be tomorrow already. I could choose to make this a very important turning point in the story. Like the point of no return. There is a fourth situation though. This morning Silver texted me, weird texts about if I had a deck of cards and I don’t know, joking around. Even though I was painfully aware of everything I just wrote, I had this feeling that I have every time I decide to quit him, that it’s super important to stay friends. So, I asked him to come with me to this meditation-music thing at a church I go to sometimes. He didn’t want to, which I’m happy about now. I didn’t go myself because then I realized that I actually needed super much to be alone. But I’m definitely going to meditate now, before I go to bed, even though it’s late, because I didn’t do that the days Phoenix slept over. I’m frustrated about how I see the things and the patterns and the behavior when I’m in the situations, but then I ignore it and react anyway. Today I did something I’m proud of though: at a phone call with my mom she suddenly closed down and wanted to hang up, sort of acting like I kept her in the conversation (which I really didn’t), instead of asking if I did/said anything wrong I just let her leave and I resisted the urge to text her a heart/I’m sorry/ask what was wrong. I stayed with the guilt-feeling and cried and listened to a song, and then she called me again saying she was sorry reflecting on (by herself) why she did that. That felt super good. Wow. So vulnerable to post this. I feel like I make a big deal out of many small things, but it is in these tiny interactions during my life, that I take tiny non-beneficial routes, and then it ends up creating bigger problems, so it is important to look at it.
  10. Through a couple of different catalysts the past year, I’ve become more aware of how unhealthy and codependent my relationship with my mom actually is. I can see that the patterns I have with her is also reflected sometimes in my other relationships, and often, after interacting with her, I end up harming myself in one way or the other, falling into this dark hole of self-hatred, shame, and guilt. Through the years, many friends have suggested to me, that I should take a break from seeing her, but because of my own co-dependency, this has felt impossible, but also, when I reflect more upon it, I don’t think that it would be the most beneficial way to go about it. Instead of just looking at her as something bad in my life that needs to be removed (though acknowledging that this can sometimes be the case with relationships), I want to investigate my own behavior, and see, maybe, if I become better at setting boundaries, caring for my inner child, and trusting myself, if our relationship could improve and become healthy, or at least a more normal mother-daughter relationship. Because of this, I started therapy today. I will continue to attend for at least the next 6 months. I’ve been in the psychiatric system before, and when things got bad a few months ago I considered going back, however, I reasoned that when I have been in that system, it hasn’t been so helpful because I seem to go into a role of being mentally ill/ “less than” the people helping me. There is this energy of “being really fucked up forever, and you just need some medication” to that place (at least that’s my opinion). So, instead of going back to the psychiatry, I put a lot of effort into getting my budget together, so I could afford to choose my own therapist. I choose a psychologist that I’ve worked with a couple of years ago (actually, through the psychiatry - the only good experience I have with that system). His method was different to me, because it focused on creating actual change in your coping mechanisms and behavior patterns, instead of just talking endlessly about stories. It was that method that made me want to study psychology myself, and it helped me gain more self-respect, love, and compassion. It also helped me to stop selling sex, which (in my case) was an unhealthy behavior pattern that I wanted to quit, when I became more aware. I was super nervous about meeting with him again because it’s been maybe 5 years, and in a way, I felt shameful, that I still needed help, but also, I told myself that there was a reason for this. Things had become very much better in my life, since I stopped in therapy with him, but then Wave died, and things went a bit downhill from there – leading to the awareness on my relationship with my mom. I had some troubles finding the place, and felt messy and weird, but when he came out to get me, I started to feel more okay, and it felt good that he remembered me. He remembered more of my life/story than I would have thought, and he was also the first “official-type-of-person” to express genuine feelings in relation to Waves passing, the doctor and the people in the psychiatry had not said anything at all. I told him about how it was important to me to feel like – not mentally ill or totally fucked up, but just like another human being in the middle of doing some inner work but needing a bit of guidance – and it felt good to say that and being met in that. I was also aware about my body language, trying to look him in the eyes when I talked, sitting with my back straight, and getting to the point when I was explaining things, not going into stories I could feel wasn’t completely true. Paying for the session afterwards felt surprisingly good. I felt mature and capable of dealing with the challenging I’m facing – challenges I believe I choose before this life, so I want to approach them with a sense of honor, and I got sort of close to that feeling today. I thought this diary would be about ending codependency with my mom, and it probably will be a lot about that, but during the session today I figured out that this dynamic is more of a symptom, like self-harm, unhealthy relationships with other people than my mom, and probably also a lot of the complicated aspects of my grief for Wave. The core problem is this inner sense of shame and guilt, that is a sort of shadow from my childhood. So, with the therapy, I’m going to work on becoming better at staying with the shame and guilt, instead of fleeing from it with behavior that isn’t beneficial to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life. The thing I’m focusing on for the next week is to become aware of when I feel shame/guilt, maybe write it down here. And I’m also getting back to a regular Vipassana-meditation practice. A particular thing I took with me from this first session was when he drew on the whiteboard how when I’m 28 (my age), I’m not just 28, but also 27, 26, 25, 24, and so on down to 1 years old. This made me tear up, because I have felt a lot of shame having problems I judge as “teenage-problems or child-like-reactions” when I’m almost 30, sometimes acting like of feeling the emotions of a little girl, when I’m (supposed to be) a woman. So, it made me feel more okay with how thing is, to think about it like this: that my age is a box and within that box is all my past ages.
  11. Actually, I made these drawings about it, him and the part of me that never left heaven, looking after my stupid human body that is stuck on earth. There is something about his eyes in the picture that came out really much like his eyes actually were, I think. Haha fuck, it makes me sad looking into them.
  12. I decided not to take the trip to go with his family to spread the ashes. It was a difficult decision. One part of me feels like I need to do more to move on, more to say goodbye, more to heal. This part also feels very guilty and like I somehow need to prove I'm a good human even though I couldn't or didn't prevent him from killing himself. Another part of me, the part I, at last, ended up listening to, needs to be still with it, not trying to improve or fix it anymore. I feel super lost without him. I always struggled with feeling like I didn't have an anchor, center, or steady ground beneath my feet. That's also why I'm so scared of going on more trips. Reality already feels so malleable and unsteady; just the thought of tripping in a world where he is dead scares me. But of course, I'm also curious. I'm curious to smoke DMT and see the world he saw because I never did; I just watched him once or twice. But I've listened to all of his stories about it. One time I smoked the rest of what was left in the pipe, but it was barely anything; I just got the feeling of the body becoming heavy and had a little vision of him becoming something else, a sort of creature. I have thought that maybe if I could get some DMT, I could go find him in that world. But I know that's probably a dysfunctional reason. I have two 2-CB pills he gave me because I wanted to do it with some guy, but I never did. Now I feel so stupid; why would I ever want to go on a trip with anyone else than him? Maybe I could find him if I went on a trip alone and really made an effort. But I won't do that. It will just fuck me more up than I already am. I want to move on, just a little bit. It's just so difficult. I think it's the most difficult I have ever gone through, and I have gone through a lot of shit; he would sign for that. Even though he was being so ungrounded, he was my ground in many ways. It's like two people with no connection to earth holding on to each other, gaining at least a little bit of centeredness or groundedness, but now he has let go of me, and I'm alone floating around in space. It's so unfair because I think he was comfortable floating like that. That's why he dared to die and became addicted to the DMT world. From what I've heard about it, it's the idea I have of floating freely around in space. Beautiful and safe to him, super super scary to me. The feeling of having no anchor makes me fear for my other relationships. Friends, family and the new relationships I will make when school starts. I'm afraid that if I'm not being carefull, the clinginess and desperation I feel will seep out through me for everyone to see and people will never love me then. It's such a wheel of pain. I know I shouldn't need another person so much, but I can't help it. I really can't. I have tried so much for so many years to become detached from relationships, detached from my body, desires...ego. I give up. I want to accept he is dead, I want to be free, and I want to love myself so much that I don't need anyone else. But I can't ...like... The result of all of this journey is that I can't. So I give up. I can't say goodbye to him, and I can't love myself so... But is it possible to quit this game without killing yourself? Because that's another thing, I just can't. .... I forgot one thing I wanted to write about. The picture below reminded me. Someone said in a youtube video or something that a part of us never leaves heaven. I think it was Bashar. That filled me with peace. That somewhere, we have never been apart. Somewhere I'm holding him right now. I know it's probably not connected, but it feels connected to other thoughts I have had about whales, which are my favorite animals, because I like to think about how there is always a whale somewhere swimming around deep down in the darkness, just being really really big doing it's whale things in the calmness of the ocean. There is something to that feeling I get when I think about whales that feels the same when I think about how a part of us never left heaven.