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  1. There is this scene in breaking bad that really made an impact on me. I usually don't like watching movies and series that are violent or even just exciting, because it makes me nervous. But we used to do it together. It was more okay for me when he was there, and I think it was a way for us to connect. There is a line in one of those songs that he listened to a lot: Usually, I put Something on TV So we never think About you and me But today I see Our reflections Clearly in Hollywood Laying on the screen It feels kind of dull when I read it like this, but cliché things are cliché for a reason. The last thing we watched together was The OA I think. I remember us being so freaked out because whenever we watched a new episode some synchronicity would happen and it would make reality feel really malleable and blurry. It wouldn't surprise me if that series was cursed or infused with some sort of metaphysical-cyber-psychedelics. I had a wolf-hoodie on my favorites list in this thrift-store app I have on my phone. It is special because the girl in OA has one exactly like it. I knew Wave would find it totally epic if I got it. But we were on the break. I bought it now. Too late for him to see. it's so absurd. Wearing it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I just really wish he hadn't died. I keep going back in my mind. It has become a little better. In the beginning, it was unbearable. I was constantly in my imagination. What if I had said that instead of that. What if I hadn't moved. What if I had called that day when I wanted to but didn't. What if I had been more persistent. What if I hadn't been such a slut and such a bitch and such a The scene from breaking bad is the scene (obviously) where Jane dies from Jessie. It's something about the choice Walt makes about letting her die because he thinks he knows what's best for Jessie. And then something about who has the blame. Because if Jessie had not been there, then Jane wouldn't have started using drugs again. But if Walt hadn't been there, then she wouldn't have been sleeping on her back, suffocating in her own puke. And if Jane hadn't died then her dad wouldn't have failed at work, resulting in the plane crash killing hundreds of people. But then maybe if she had not died, they would have continued to use heroin and ruin their lives, and maybe end up hurting their own child if they had one or maybe dying both of them. So maybe Walt actually did the best thing for Jessie when he didn't save Jane. But what if they had succeeded in becoming clean and happy. Then Walt just killed a girl and in a way hundreds of people, for nothing. And what if then Jessie dies or ruins his life or doesn't do anything that helps anyone, then it really is for nothing. I feel so stupid writing this. Because of course, I know that nothing is no one's fault. And there is no way to know if anything is for the better or worse because it's a loop that never ends. it was Wave who showed me the story about the farmer. Once upon a time, there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer. --Zen Parable it's funny how life is. Whenever I see God I'm gonna fucking punch him in the stomach because some shit is just not funny. I know Wave would tell me this story now if he saw me sitting here mourning him. And I guess that is actually what he is doing because I remember it, and he is inside me. I feel like his suicide just turned my life up at super level hard mode. And I don't feel very capable but I'm really just trying to trust that the self who is me outside from time and space knows what she is doing. And that Wave knows what he is doing. I'm really trying to hold on to faith.
  2. Go to a free course. You should definitely do it. It will make you better at your job. A course is worth sacrificing stuff for because it really has the potential to push you many steps forward in development.
  3. It would help if you tried "mechanical eating" for a period. In general, try to get more discipline and routine into your life. If there are some things you want to accomplish, make it a rule to do a little bit of it at a specific time each day - it's easier to stick to it if you have decided beforehand that: this is just how it is now. This is my rule. Be your own best father-figure/teacher/caretaker. If you have a lot of meaningful things to do, hours will flow away without you having time to feel empty so much. "Mechanical eating" is a method used to deal with eating disorders, but it can be helpful also for this purpose. You can google it, but basically, it's to decide to eat every 3-4 hours, not more, not less. The idea is to avoid snacking and overeating by ensuring you are constantly satisfied. I also recommend eating some - only fruit meals- as this will help you not crave unhealthy sugar. Also, try to feel the love. I know it isn't easy. One trick I like to use is to play around imagining myself having this extra-sensory superpower that I can use to connect myself with the source/God. I imagine that I can tune my sense of sight into a special kind of sight that can see beauty and light in everything or adjust my sense of hearing into a special type that can feel sounds in sort of a caressing and comforting way... So it feels more like the world and what I'm sensing is FOR me rather than AGAINST me. Okay, it probably sounds bizarre, haha; the point is - I believe it can help to imagine that you already HAVE reached the state where you can feel that love is here and it's flowing <3 Everything is inside your mind anyway. And even when you can't do this completely, or end up eating pizza or crying or failing or shit... remember to love the one that fails and love yourself for trying. I love you for trying.
  4. It's so weird being in here, writing stuff he will never read. Because I'm so used to this forum meaning him. Discussions with him and thoughts about him and me checking if he was online regularly if we didn't speak, worrying when his content seemed too much up in the clouds, worrying when he didn't write anything at all. I looked up to him so much, I was so amazed by his mind. But I was also so angry at him for spending so much time being in his own head thinking about God instead of just living and being and breathing with me. There's a memory I had forgotten, but it has kept returning after he has died. I had moved to the other city then, to study, but we talked on the phone, of course, It wasn't during one of the break periods. But I remember I was still surprised that he called me. That it was me he called. He was in shock, he had fallen off his bike, you know he used to drive so fast and recklessly it was insane, with his long-limbed alien-body no one could control - him the least! When I remember it, I can see him as if I am standing next to him looking at his wounds in the bathroom mirror, but it was just a phone call. He was laughing almost, from the shock, he said he probably should go to the hospital. he described his wounded face to me. There's something about that memory, I think it comes up because it felt so normal and earthly and I felt so... Like if by calling me, he said to me - yes, you are the one I call when I'm hurt and don't know what to do. And I felt able to comfort him. And included. I asked if I should come to his city and go with him to the hospital. He of course said no, but I should not have listened. Before he died I don't think I really understood regret. I thought I could go through life without ever regretting anything - because everything happens for a reason right. And the universe has a plan. I do still believe that. I can never not believe that, and he wouldn't have wanted me to. He would laugh at me if I lost faith, I can almost hear him. Rolling his eyes at me - like God in all is the most obvious thing. But fuck, what I wouldn't give to be able to turn back time and take that fucking two-hour train ride to sit with him in that fucking hospital, holding his hand. Pressing my head against his chest. Kissing his shoulder and neck and fingers. And now I'm crying and it's probably better to stop writing now because I really think I should do this in small steps. I think it could be good for me though, to write about it in here. I feel people in here know him in a way that is comforting to me. They know his mind and his words and his empathy and all of his stupid trips and contemplations.
  5. I read a study about when people feel very existentially lonely (very aware that you can't experience exactly what it's like to be me and vice versa) then they feel lower levels of meaning in life... BUT then when they experience a "mystical experience" - like ego-dissolution from psychedelics - then they feel life has meaning unaffected by their level of existential loneliness - so the loneliness doesn't stop but it just doesn't equal meaninglessness for them anymore. Okay but that wasn't my point. My point was that the authors then reflected on some people just having low levels of existential loneliness - and therefore high levels of meaning, without ever having had a mystical experience. - I remembered it in relation to this because the authors suggested this to be a life of "blissful ignorance in regard to existential concerns" So my point is - yea most people enjoy life at some level I think because they are in such a state of blissful ignorance. It's like in the bible. Don't eat the fucking apples. Right? But then again. Maybe it's like a fairytale that starts happy, then goes into the darkness and challenges, and you kind of wish you never left home, but then the story ends and you become more happy than you ever could have imagined before. So most people are happy on some level but not compared to how happy they maybe could end up being if they dared to let go of their happiness? I don't know...
  6. One thing that comes to mind is my mother reading books to me. I have multiple memories of it because she did it a lot. The memories are special to me because it is (kind of) stored as if they happened in real life - like I actually lived the stories. I think it shaped my personality a lot because when you asked us some time ago about our favorite part of reality, mine was imagination. I feel loved in those memories... Maybe because sharing a story like that is as close you can come to having the same experience as each other - which eradicates existential loneliness in some sense maybe... To me, today I feel the most unloved when I feel existential lonely. So I think that could be a thing about it. Also, the attention and her choosing to spend her time with me. There is also something to be physically close to her, her smell and the warmth and safety in her bed. Today I guess I also connect safety to love. Then there is the part of getting to be a child and be taken care of. That's probably also important to why I feel loved because my childhood was kind of rough and a lot of the time I had to take care of her and comfort her - so when she read to me, the roles were as they were supposed to be. I don't think I ever felt loved by my father. I haven't thought about it in that way until now. But I can't think of any memories of love with him. But he was also very distant. it surprises me I don't have more memories of love in my childhood ... haha wow. But yea It's a sense of I felt loved in general, but actual distinct memories are difficult to find... There is also something about holding hands with my parents and being tucked in at night by my mother. Probably the safety aspect again.
  7. This is also again you thinking that you know so much! You don’t know Gods aim. Imagine that it’s a love so big you can’t comprehend it with a normal human mind. If you really zoom out far enough, things that doesn’t seem like it to you could actually be a perfect directed plan leading to this ultimate kind of love seen from Gods perspective.
  8. Sin only mean to miss the spot you aimed at. It’s not bad, it’s just something that happens so you can be redirected. When you understand this you will see that the existence of “sins” is also love.
  9. Good job, here are some book recommendations if you want to explore this subject deeper
  10. These have helped me deal with the guilt and regret related to my partner's suicide. Maybe they could be helpful for you too. One thing I also tell myself is that: It doesn't make sense to blame myself that I wasn't who I am now, then. Because it apparently needed to happen, for me to gain the wisdom I gained. Another thing is to trust GOD and that this was the ONLY way you could gain the particular wisdom you apparently needed. Your day-to-day-self is a stupid little motherfucker-idiot compared to GOD, so even though your mind may think things would have been better if so or so, or you could have learned stuff through other means..... just shut it up. Because GOD knows best and GOD is beyond human-ness so don't try to use your human mind to figure it out. Rather lean back and trust. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. And then work on expanding your consciousness and go out and have a lot of mind-blowing and life-changing experiences, because the more you grow the smaller the things that feel big now, will seem. Try to remember how short life is, don't waste too much time. What is the opposite of guilt? acceptance or maybe self-love? Those are pretty good things to gain. So this experience came to you and I (in different forms) so we can learn the lessons of acceptance and self-love. That is an amazing gift! Don't know about you but for me... just what I had put on my wish list! Let's try to realize this and then learn the shit quickly so we won't suffer for much longer and make other people suffer in relation to that. That's my advice I love you and I believe you will feel better soon.
  11. Thank you all for the kind and supportive messages <3
  12. Yes. Around when we first met he had just tried LSD for the first time and had a "bad trip" where he had felt like the universe said he should kill him self. That is around 7 years ago. Then around 3 years ago I had a weird feeling and asked him about it, where he admitted that he had had thoughts about it again and had actually written a note and taken the train out to a place where he could jump out. But then he had gotten second thoughts. One of his friends told me at the funeral that he had mentioned suicidal ideas to him not such a long time ago, but he had promised the friend that he wouldn't do it and that he could never do it to his family and friends. He probably had many more of these thoughts than i was aware of. He expressed thoughts to me about maybe being bipolar and he tried to self medicate with lithium. But one of his friends told me that to him, he had rejected the idea of being bipolar. So I'm not sure how he exactly felt about it. The mania looked like god-realizations and being really aware that he was God, as many of you know. But I'm careful about stating that as "mental illness" - i just think it's really complicated. I believe he in fact reached high states of awareness. The problem was more that he couldn't find silence in his thoughts, he couldn't stop talking and he couldn't sleep. He obsessed over topics like our relationship, zodiac signs, personality types and such - when i first started to know him it was just cute and fun parts of his personality but it became more and more like something that hurt him and more and more "manic" to the point where it frightened me a little bit - also a reason why we decided to take time apart. When he was depressed he went into himself, stop posting on the forum, he couldn't sleep, he stopped answering my messages and such. I didn't know this part of him so well because he kept it to himself but i believe there was also some anxiety involved. He did not himself feel that the "manic" periods was bad - that was when he was happy, I think he was mostly tormented during the depressive periods. It was just to me that the "manic" periods was problematic, because I got scared. And then I think that his many experiences with divinity made him simply not afraid to die at all.
  13. Yes. I actually checked in on if he was active or not everyday during our "break". Because I knew when he got too depressed he wouldn't be active in here. And I saw he stopped logging in. But I just thought maybe actually he was doing good and being busy with exams and new friends so I didn't contact him. It is really tormenting me now. We had a deal that we would always call if everything went shit. So I thought he would call me if he needed me. I didn't want to interrupt our break because of worry. Life is really really brutal sometimes. I can't go back in time. Haha, yes, I know he liked interacting with you too and enjoyed your writings and was inspired. Thank you.
  14. @Leo Gura Yes very much. He was sort of my boyfriend but openly and free - best friends first of all. He introduced me to you almost seven years ago and we began the journey of meditation, open-mindedness and psychedelics together. He had periods of depression during winter and a kind of mania during the summers and it had gotten worse the past year. I hadn't talked to him since august because we took some time apart on purpose, but I know he was surrounded my many friends and family and he had also just got accepted to study psychology at the university. We are 27.