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They would have to manifest something on either a global or universal scale and could show me what that thing that they are manifesting is - in a way that I would understand. They would have all the other stages and so they would be able to explain it to me. If they could not explain it to me in a way that I could understand then I would not believe they are coral. They should be able to transmit this awakening to others who can See from the eyes alone. The eyes will reflect the entity purely. Ummm... let's see, they would have knowledge that is borderline alien to most human beings; and would have the solipsistic view of the world - for good or for evil, depending on what they want to do with it. They would indulge in pleasures, but their pleasures would be manifested on a much larger scale, you'd be dealing with a person who has a lot of Will. You build people up like this and serve them in order to manifest things on a large scale for humanity. Living Gods. Literally. They would have gone past the "death door" and all sorts of paranormal things happen around them. They control the weather sometimes. Some do. Some learn to be coral, and some are chosen from birth. Two magickal stages have been integrated; purple and turquoise. But, just like with what Teal Swan mentions with channelers, beings such as this often get stuck in a narcissistic, solipsistic view. It is still a contraction, a localization. These people are mad geniuses, and are effective all across the board - they get shit done. That's a fact. But you always notice something is off with them, like they talk past you a bit, or they can't quite "see" you; or sometimes there is an arrogance. Even beings in higher dimensions, like "aliens"/"archetypes", often take on this solipsistic view. But when it is at stage coral, this goes global/universal in understanding/manifestation. If "evil" - you will never be seen as more than a narcissistic extension. A non player character. If "good" - you will be seen as a soul with layers, and coral can move others up the spiral so that they exist not as egos, but as souls. These souls are in/make up a unified field of consciousness that is all One. That One is invisible, universal, all encompassing, Nothing, God. Coral thinks it is God, but is still a solipsistic localization, but it isn't the whole thing - it's still just a bubble - but it does not know this; and teaches or explains "universally" - but is still just a narcissistic bubble. Coral can be an alien or a human, but both make the same mistake. This video explains how that happens when corals channel God. This is timestamped. Watch it at the highest resolution. Do you see how they look like synapses in the brain? All those beautiful lights, slowly, time turns, this is your life, and at the end of the movie, the lights fade out across a dark ocean - a final lightening streak in the water indicating that the last bit of life has left you. Within those lights contain so much detail, billions of people living and dreaming, hoping, learning, growing and dying - all with worlds as complex as your own. Coral taps into this unified, and can, basically tweak things "under the curtains" to manifest on a global scale - this is called an aeonic force - and brings about a beginning or end to an age, depending on the will of the coral. They are focused on this to the detriment of really "seeing" people; their vision is so wide and expansive. To understand coral you need to either meet a higher dimensional being that can download you info, or you need to be in the presence of someone who is coral who can teach you - often just their presence and energy alone is enough. You know the type of teacher - they are like shamans who hold great power and what you see in the eyes isn't even human anymore. It is just raw intelligence and presence.

The bubble appears to be limited and finite, but actually it is Infinity. That is the illusion. All of Infinity collapses into this bubble. You could say, every human, alien and universe of past and future, are the substance that this bubble is made of. They are all here, appearing to be a finite bubble. That's also why you are not alone. All of Infinty is right here. They have become you, they are you. And later on, your finite self will become them. If this bubble, therefore this consciousness, were only a part of God, you could never realize that you are God. The only way that you can know that you are God, is by literally becoming all of God (or realizing that You are already all of God), otherwise it would only be assumption and intuition. So if you say, you had an 'experience' of being God, then that by definition must mean, that you were conscious that nothing outside your consciousness exists. Otherwise you were only a part of God or being God was an assumption or intuition. And obviously, there is no real difference between the state of realizing that you are God, and the state where you believe to be a small self, therefore even in that seemingly contracted state, there can not be something outside you. Because You are always all of You.

Hi all, I've done 5meoDMT, shrooms and ayahuasca, and I'm presently reading about the different chakras. I think psychedelics and chakras are closely related. When you take psychedelics, it's a matter of energies, perception, opennes, connection, etc... And healthy chakras are all that. But I have more specific examples. First, I had my spiritual awakening (even if my logical/scientific brain needed a lot of time to accept it) through shrooms and 5meo. It is not the experience that was mindblowing in itself. The shrooms I took were light, and I could remember just three distinct moments of Bufo. But for the first time in a long time I felt energies going through me, I felt the connection with nature, etc. Like energy could once again flow freely in me, I was receptive once again. And that's what chakras are about. But the most striking event was some months ago. I took a heavy dose of shrooms and had the most incredible trip. At some point I was sitting cross-legged in the forest, and it was like I became PART of the mountain. I could feel a huge energy flow coming through my ass and up my whole body. It came from underground. It was like I was breathing in unison with the whole forest. Better, like my breath WAS the forest breath. An individual breath not different from that of a tree, but not alien. I was part of a harmonious orchestra. And today I am reading about the first chakra, the root chakra, positioned between the balls and the anus, and that's supposedly the point where universal energy, life, Chi, whatever you wanna call it, enters our system/aura/body/spirit. Exactly where I felt it. The book was also listing visualization exercises like pretending you have roots that go underground etc.... And psychedelics can make you FEEL that sort of thing. How cool is this ? Does anybody have similar expériences ? Maybe someone that knows chakras better than me and that also did psychedelics. I feel there's a lot of material here. It's also logical if we think there's ultimately only one Truth, everything must point towards the same thing in the end... Anyways, would love to see your thoughts!

@Shambhu A slightly better analogy, would be to say that Consciousness is a balloon that holds soap water and foams inside of it, of various sizes of minds ranging between an ants, to reptiles, birds, humans, to as far as a hyper alien intelligence mind.

@justfortodayEverything made sense, until the part where you say God goes through one life at a time. Have you verified this or is this a story that you've made up to explain reality? How does God decide which life to start from? Does it start from the ant's life? Or justfortoday's life? Or an alien's life? And how do the choices of one life affect the future life? I think your theory would be way more elegant if all lives were lived simultaneously and in an instant (just as all stories were made simultaneously and in an instant) by One Being.

I think it's this. I really feel I can't. I feel like I have no love for myself. Sometimes I tend to love others than I do myself. I leave very little for me and give everything to others. The core essence is that I simply don't know how to love myself. It feels alien to me. It doesn't come naturally. If I had to pamper myself, it would feel unnatural and I'd end up mocking myself. But I know that self love has a lot of value in it. So I really want to push myself to love myself. Note - I don't hate myself. No. Not at all. I like who I am although I don't care about myself. I tend to simply abandon myself so much.

Okay, I can understand this. I can get into "absolute truth", and then out of it. It is just the being-ness. Okay, cool, I have been and this has been working out. I am just concerned that there might be a unique way for me to get to what is true for me, but that I need to follow that innermost intuition to get there - and that it might be different from what is being taught. There is a "You are God" quality to it, co-mingled with like, a chameleon. Hard to explain. Not yet, but each time I let go, I get another chunk of wisdom that does explain it a but better. I did feel them, I could simply follow the same path I took before to feel them again? So what when I am, should I post here then and then ask you, when the experience is more direct/easy to interpret? I can get back to that state, but it might take a few months of shadow work/karma work to clear myself enough to do so. I can become conscious of that, that I dreamed up the Bible. I have before. It just doesn't stick for too long. I mean, I could use any holy book and find something enlightening in it, not just the Bible. But yeah, I can see how there is the ego, and then just the screen of awareness. It is like when I dream and there is a backstory for it, an entire world, and I know my place and how to operate within it, and I am someone or something completely different, and each night that whole world goes away. But each night, me and those dream characters chip away like I do in this world, to find the truth. They look for it, too. Not just me, and they offer wisdom I can apply on "this side" of reality. I get that this is a story, that there is just the screen - because when it is revealed, everything is more crisp and clear. I feel like I have been close, or "been there", but am not there now, so I know how this is just a dream on some levels because I can "snap out of it", and then another story bleeds through. It is kind of semi-psychotic like that, but each layer that is removed gets me closer to just Be-ing. Have you only had the God experiences, or anything biblical or paranormal before? Because they give the same message, and come in through a similar process of changing lenses, or disidentification, as a God realization, so there might be aspects to this that you have not been privy to yet - same as me, I just haven't gotten quite there yet, but can intuit that there is a lot more. Or "nothing", but a deeper understanding of what that means. I know it is all a dream, but my experiences were direct, like the same path to get to solipsism. Go through death, let go, be in the moment and appreciate, and it becomes a unifying Love field. And just... Now. And done. Now. And done. Now. And done. And from there, comes in paranormal. I "now and done" until the world becomes even more complex. It's just... very hard for me to combine your experience and mine, when I know in my deepest heart that there are souls. I felt my "family" guiding me. I will ask again these questions while I am experiencing them and see what I can learn from you then because the mind will be open in a way that can really "download" a lot of new ways of understanding the world that are completely alien as of this point. Thanks for the reply.

I got the 3rd "pfizer" shot as a booster and had negative outcomes. Mainly my heart had some kind of problems. As the day passed after the shot I felt ill like you should be after a flu-shot, but the whole time I had a very unpleasant feeling in my heart. Not pain-like, but just a feeling like something was wrong, very alien. The feeling went away about 6 hours after, but I noticed that my heart is way way weaker now. By going up the stairs my heart pulse goes way up. When I wake up in the morning it beats very heavily. It actually feels like I have health problems now, and it's almost like a near death situation to the point where I now I'm trying to do some cardio workouts to strengthen my heart, but a little cardio puts my pulse up to about 170-180 BPM which is like a intense workout. A lot of my friends took the 3rd shot and reported no issues, but one friend reports the same issue, some bad feeling in the heart after the booster shot. Also I read a lot that it can effect your heart, but they say that it isn't linked to the booster shot, which to me is bullshit. Im in no way an anti-vaxer, im pro medicine, but do take my report seriously and think about if you really wanna take the booster shot. If I knew what it would do for me I wouldn't have taken it. I hope that it's just temporary and will go away if I keep doing cardio.

I only came here due to drug revelations, it is the sole reason I have any interest in nonduality at all. The trips I had strip ego and do all sorts of bizarre things alien to our daily lives. I think very mentally unwell people seeking "help" from spirituality will probably just drive themselves into psychosis. As such if you need advice you should probably see a medically trained psychiatrist. I don't believe OCD and schizophrenic people read some "spiritual" stuff and are suddenly well. The highest I ever got was taking 5 hits of acid and then smoking a breakthrough dose of DMT at the peak. That is when I reached a place where the ego was left behind, and coming back from that were several realizations... E.g. the irony of monks meditating for their entire lives, when all monk-ness to that monk is just part of the separate self, and in actuality that monk is equal to a murderer child rapist junkie, because it is just existence itself and alone. The monk and murderer and all of that, is like a mask on top of pure being that falls away like all things. That is the type of solipsism I encountered personally. That is the type of solipsism discussed by figures like Rupert Spira, and ancient mystics. "No others" is not meant to mean that everyone is an NPC but you. That is when the ego, which is of course limited (ALL appearances are finite, infinity = nothingness substantially) attempts to comandeer control of the infinite. Which is impossible because it's like a character on a screen trying to somehow comandeer control of the screen. Appearance trying to somehow become the infinite which is inherently total nothingness, non-appearance. It's just an appearance, zero causative power of any kind!!!!

@Matt23 goddamn SEXUAL SKILLS MANNNN!! ! you know if we are gonna go for a universal super culture, there probably are hot alien girls out there!!!! if there's an apocalypse, why survive it bro?

There are no souls. There is only you, God. You imagine them. You can dream up a Buddha any night you're sleeping. No big deal. You can dream Hitler, you can dream Christ, you can dream a kangaroo, you can dream an alien, you can dream Leo. If you knew you wouldn't be asking.

I thought I'd talk about my favourite subject: myself. Actually, I seldom talk about myself other than as "filler" for small talk. I don't particularly care about this, I have no strong need to divulge what's going on inside my head IRL. Even in this journal I do this mostly out of interest rather than need, and I definitely don't divulge everything. I learned a very long time ago that people genuinely don't care about your innermost needs and desires and mental drama. People just care about their own mental drama above all else and relate everything in the world to that. Giving it more than two seconds thought, how else could it be? Although, I do think this gets amplified by our very individualised Western culture. We only pay lip service to actually caring about what others are experiencing. In fact when someone is really on the edge and needs proper attention (I've been there), friends and family are utterly clueless. None of us have been socialised well enough to be able to deal with intensity of emotion or difficult needs. This is because someone in a vulnerable state pulls us out of our individualism, and we're immediately out of our comfort zone. There's a question on the forum asking why people are just not interested in investigating consciousness and reality. My immediate feeling was that it was like asking people to understand how computers work (computers being a good proxy for consciousness because they're ubiquitous and inscrutable). People take computers for granted (as they do reality), because they're always relating the world to their own mental space. Most people are highly interested in survival, mating, food and the soap opera of their ragbag collective. Asking people to understand how computers or even worse how consciousness works, is like trying to force first contact with an alien: it's terrifying and to be avoided. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it doesn't even cross most people's mind that the question can be asked in the first place! What does all this say about how people function? First and foremost you can't blame people for being disinterested in you or the big questions in life. Mostly, they're just firefighting and trying to stay alive and to have some semblance of positivity, if not happiness. None of us have been explicitly taught how to comfort and genuinely help someone in need - and how those skills are beneficial to us, and no-one has been taught that understanding reality can change our lives for the better. And, none of us have been taught that collectivism is necessary to balance out individualism and make us all a bit more human.

i mean i only listen to like 25% of the episodes anyway lately i listened to the journalists, authors and scientists, the alien stuff, some of the covid stuff, some of the comics, some artists i'll never listen to people like Jocko willinks, the army/marine guys, Tim pool, Shapiro, the CIA shills etc.. so those could be very right leaning but i'll never hear it anyway and also don't cares i think he'd totally have Cornell West, Pakman, Bernie etc. on again if they come.

Consciousness is not about computing ability or the power to learn by experience. Our present ability was earned over millions of years of evolution and fine tuning. We are not even certain our conscious ability is not ethereal, independent of the brain. Take our nearest relatives they have all the attributes to encourage the human experience but they can not even draw a picture of themselves. We are unique and I can guarantee no machine will ever be classified as conscious in human terms. I will enjoy the efforts and the claims though. I understand your point why you think that computers can't somehow achieve consciousness to some degree or extent. I did my research on AI (artificial intelligence) since I'm not a scientist myself & I'm not into computers. I found out that there are several major projects/research trying to replicate virtual brains through constructing computer-based models. David Gelernter, a computer scientist himself, said that "Even if the model can learn and reason, that doesn't guarantee that it will be a truly intelligent being." Based on his statement, I came to think that there's less potential for computers to acquire consciousness. But who knows what will be possibility in the far future ,say in 100,000 years from now. With the endless advancement of technology. It's not hard to envision a future where one can have an intelligent tete-a-tete with an entity which in it's responses would be difficult to differentiate from our own. There is obviously still a long process of discovery and engineering ahead but when you take into account how long it took to "build" us, it's no time at all! To my mind if it's possible for us to eventually understand what creates consciousness/intelligence, it becomes likewise probable that we can recreate it. Of course it couldn't be exactly like ours, maybe quite different. By analogy, if we were fortunate or unfortunate enough to meet an alien mind - I'm not talking about the ones we've already met - wouldn't it too be expected to be very different from our own? Who's to say if it too isn't a creation of a "prior" Intelligence. Ok thank You.

hey! u see why 13 is ominous! and that is good he does not use porn, which he eventually will find if this continues. what is a better outlet in ur opinion? also consider that ur grandma and sis might be paranoid about these issues as they might misunderstand ur bro's actions. these boy's issues are mostly alien to females and they can project negative connotations at them. if he does not touch oneself in public and jerk off in a legit way, no problem right?

Jews having always been considered "outsiders" or "strange people" is not the only reason as to why Jews have always faced much hatred from others. One of the other main reasons Jews have always had deal with so animosity from so many other people for over 2,000 years is because the people who have always had ill will towards them have always been so envious of their success and intellect. Every anti-semite throughout all of history deep down has always known that the Jews are many times better than they are, which is why anti-semites feel so incredibly insecure about themselves and scared of what Jews have always been capable of. This is why Jews in general take pride in being elite in many respects. This is not to say that Jews in an absolute sense are superior to those who are not Jewish or don't have jewish blood in them. There of course have always been a number of people out there who are not Jewish but who have certainly been smarter and more successful than most Jews have been. However, I believe that jewish people have had the greatest amount of high conscious people per capita in the world. It's actually similar to idea of how white people who have been racist towards black and brown people, are that way not just because they always viewed black and brown people as "alien" or "outsiders," but also because they realize how inferior they are in a lot of ways to black and brown people. Same thing as to why women have always had history of being oppressed by men. It's not just because men generally have always had greater physical strength and power than women. It also because countless men throughout history have always been insecure about what women are capable of if they were given equal rights and equal freedom. In some ways women are better than men and most male chauvinists have always known that. These days, women, especially those in 1st first world countries now definitely have some things that easier for them to get than it is for men such as sex, dating, larger social networks, collaboration, favors, and some other things.

I live in a spiritual community with a reflector who’s very spiritually connected. Dudes an alien for sure. He’s so silent. I’ve learned so much from him. Every time I talk he would say I’m creating worlds with my words. Especially when talking about other people. He would never talk about people and would frown upon it when I did. So now I’m afraid to speak for fear I’m creating universes with my words. Is this fear based? I’m a very expressive person and I feel like I’m being silenced. Thanks so much.

It always made me grin when people told me a computer will take over the planet or become self aware. Well yes its if its programmed too, but the toaster or washing machine isn't going to want to suddenly invade, its for making toast or cleaning your clothes. Machines made as humanoid however have the possibility to be humanoid if they are built exactly as we are, biological computers for example, with many of the flaws we ourselves have in us and a consciousness which is alien to this environment. Or was alien. Do you ever wonder if the reason people are being treated more as robots by industry now is all the process of this happening before our eyes, its all connected and arriving at that point on a macro scale. I feel consciousness expresses itself in whatever is actively being created at that time because creation is the key for consciousness to be realised. It is another reason why the attempts to make humanoid robots is flawed thinking, they should be more like an R2D2 droid out of star wars, easy to maintain, hard to damage, good over many different surfaces, storage space, and with many tools accessible. A device, vehicle or tool for man not a replacement.

Exactly it. A question of epistemology. @Gesundheit2's third point is on the money. You have to flip things around. None of us have consciousness, we are all manifestations of consciousness. Although thinking that way can seem completely alien to most people.

Actually everything is rather abstract if you look at it closely. If you tell an alien about humans, and tell him everything about science, history, biology, survival and culture, there would be many things the alien could never understand based on that objective lecture. One example would be music. You can't logically explain why such a thing has such a big impact on our behavior. There would be also questions like: Why is this pattern of air vibrations better than this? Why do animals don't want to do music? Why does literally every human being has a favorite music genre? ... The same counts for all art forms by the way. I guess I should change the word abstract with irrational.

When I was first waking up around 2014 a friend of mine showed me this channel, Spirit Science. If you aren't familiar, its ran by a guy named Jordan who used to be an animator on Newgrounds. He moved on to making youtube videos in a style similar to Extra Credits about spirituality. Some of the things he talks about are on point like sacred geometry and what he has to say about levels of consciousness. The controversy comes (mostly) from his video on human history: In particular, he loses people once he talks about Hebrews being an alien race and Martians coming to earth after destroying their own atmosphere. Despite that, he makes some interesting points and regardless if this is true or not it sparked my interest in human history and our evolution. This video also led me to contemplate my own consciousness which eventually led me to Leo. Chris O'Neil from Oney Plays knew him on Newgrounds and just says, "This man is now the leader of an actual cult" and most the skeptics and criticisms I see tend to come back to that. People say Leo is a cult leader too but I know that's false and dismissive. Jordan is a lot less direct than Leo though and it's hard to read his true intentions. If nothing else he's a clever storyteller and good at animation, and he helped lead to my first awakening so there's that. What's his deal though? Is he a cult leader, full of shit, or is he misunderstood and we all are a product of falling from a much higher level of consciousness many many years ago? I've thought about posting this on here years ago I just never felt like bringing it up. I guess I was avoiding wanting to know the truth, but now I really want to know what other people think of Spirit Science.

Yeah. I agree that Direct Experience is more fundamental than concepts but the tricky thing is that Direct Experience is still limited to the perspective of r0ckyreed or LastThursday or whoever you are. This issue is that I can assume that my direct experience is not the only one. That is solipsism. But that Direct Experience is fragmented and spread across infinite life forms experienced by the ONE Being. This also presents issues because if there are infinite perspectives that are being shared together and not shared together (in cases of hallucinations or whatever), what is in the gaps of our experience? When I stop observing you, you cease to appear within my direct experience and I from yours. It’s like saying that if I become deaf, then music and sound ceases to exist. But it ceases to exist relative to deaf people and exists relative to non-deaf people. And maybe other senses like telepathy could exist for aliens. Maybe we could say that sound and telepathy do exist, but we just do not have access to those senses as humans. What would we say if an alien came down with telepathy? Would we say that it doesn’t exist because it is not in my direct experience and therefore am imagining it? I don’t know. Lol. The senses are all that we appear to have, and we could know telepathy or not based on what we observe and conceptualize. It’s hard for me to believe that when I go to sleep at night that the whole human world ceases to exist and that I go into a new one if I am dreaming. But at the same time, I feel like reality is intersubjective (it is shared and created amongst all the forms and parts of God). EDIT: I have been thinking about it more and I am wondering what an object, subject, experience or thing is that cannot be experienced or perceived by the senses? All we know is through senses and through thoughts and intuition. If I cannot see that object or hear it or feel it or think about it, it is as if it does not exist from my experience. The fact that I can think of something seems to make it exist in form of a thought. But the issue is that like we discussed, “what about the actual object?” If you can see, touch, and feel an object I don’t. It exists to you but not for me. Could I then conclude that just because I can’t see it or think of it now, that it doesn’t exist? I’m just thinking out loud (or rather on the forum with y’all). ?. From the quote I gave you below from Home With God, every possible thing exists when I am not observing it. My observation of something is a mental construction of picking out one reality out of infinite possibilities which is kinda creepy. That’s cool. Thanks for your insight and thoughts! It reminds me of the quote above that I wrote from Home With God that opened me up to a modified take on idealism/realism.

Journal Entry Exports from: Meditation/Contemplation Journal Posted October 8, 2021, · 10.8.2021. 30 minutes attempted vipassana session: thoughts and feelings that came up; ''Extreme anxiety of not feeling safe and fear of killing myself and dying. Of losing everything I have and everything I know to be. The fear came up of me killing myself in the near future or feeling extremely unsafe in my objectively non-threatening environment that I was going to die and lose everything I know about myself, my identity, my current achievements and level of development, EVERYTHING, FOREVER, and would therefore throw the waste the life that was given to me and all the perks I am enjoying now with it, that I would squander the gift of life and being born in the environment that I am born given to me by my mother and my ancestors, especially my grandfather from my father's side - for whom I'd always almost had deep respect and admiration. Fear of losing all that privilege given to me by my ancestors that I just simply inherited from them. And I felt deeply bad that was one of the main things causing my fear of death and not the fear of losing my life itself as it is and myself as a person that I am and an identity - like I did value my own life and personality enough but only the fact it was given to me by others before me. I felt like a slow state of depression and dying - or to say more appropriately losing myself into nothing. A deeply ingrained and non-resolved complex of inferiority detected that was allowed to fester in the unconsciousness in my psyche? Well, yes it certainly seems that way. Why am I afraid of myself killing myself and why did I feel so insecure about my environment feeling that at any moment it was going to lead to me killing myself? Why so much insecurity and a lack of self-confidence and faith? Why? Why did it feel so tiring and draining? Like I was trying to let go of myself and be consumed by the abyss. Why am I afraid of getting tired and weak? Why do I fear it would lead me to death? What am I anyway? What is this? Why is letting go into dying so contrasted and opposed to the feeling of living and being alive? Why so much fear and resistance? Why am I so afraid of dying? Why does it feel so tiring and draining? I do not want to just die this way. I can just let go of my life now. Why do I feel that the memories of the personalities of my ancestors haunt me? Why do I feel that I am not worthy enough of them with the way I am living and experiencing my life? It feels almost like an unending road of depression, aimlessness, hopelessness, and a lack of motive and purpose in life? Why do life and my experiencing of it feel so bleak and alien to me? Why do I feel like I am an alien to experiencing existence? Why do I feel like an alien and stranger to existence and life? Why does nature seem alien to me and yet I feel bleak familiarity, safety and take comfort in its presence, and have a distinct and unexplainable feeling if I go I will be welcomed in familiar arms, its an unexplainable slight feeling of ease and security and hope and comfort around it. Like it will open me with open arms even if I decide to go now, earlier than I should. Why are so many thoughts of suicidal ideation popping out briefly and then going away? Why do I feel uncomfortable with my present life so much, why do I despise it and hate it so much? 7.10. 2021. Around 10 PM yesterday something. Walking Contemplation Near Trees by the Danube River in Zemun quay, Why do the trees and nature around me feel like the only thing familiar around me despite my feelings of depression? Why does the breeze feels so good, and making me feel like I am a part of the life-world and natural world even though I feel like currently a human person? It feels like even if I wasn't and ceased to be I would still belong there and return there like some long-forgotten home of mine before all these personal experiences, history, and memories. Like a place, I sprang from an intuitive level and I will spring back to once I am no more here as a person. Only my experience of the leaves rustling in the night breeze and of sensing and seeing the bark of trees, of a various different kind, te names of and species of most I which do not know, in the night by the flowing river like a long lost lifeworld to me which I was once a part through which I know now only intuitively through same faint remembrance and recollection only through the intuition of my senses. The surrounding artifacts and remnants of human civilization seem so alien and dry and foreign to me even though I am a part of it experientially all my life and depend on its system for sustenance for me to sustain and facilitate this experience of enjoyment and pleasantness with moving around, observing, sensing and experiencing the pleasantries and smoothness of the natural world in vibrant and alive phenomenology appearing before me. The natural world's pull I sense from time to time is where I feel I want to belong. Yet then why do I feel anatural to myself then? Why do I feel so corrupted and perverted from the natural order? Why do I feel estranged to it, like I was damned not to ever feel it in its fullness by the corrupted and perverted ways of mind? When will I free myself from myself? Nature - the breeze, trees, and the river feel very soothing and calming they feel like a part of me. Does nature want to talk to me in the language I have forgotten and no longer understand? How and why did I allow myself to forget it deliberately and cast it aside as unimportant to my life, which I have brief realizations is inseparable from it even if I fool myself in my day-to-day experience and mind it isn't so? Why did these low consciousness fleeting desires and their brief pleasures and always temporary void filling stemming from succumbing to neediness take precedent over wanting to experience nature in its pure and undiluted form? Why the sacrifice of wellbeing for the fleeting, why the succumbing to fleeting desire and fleeting instant gratification and wish fulfillment, over experiencing life more fully, vibrantly, and lively as much of the time as possible when I make opportunities for it? Why the selling myself short of wanting to take care and retain this experiencing ability? Why lose myself in this transient, temporal, and not last for the sake of wish fulfillment and instant gratification and lose out on the serenity, peace, and calm of nature and the natural in attune with it. My thoughts are full, my mind empty. I need to go back to my ancestor's residential beehive building. I will finish this and try to remember more of this later when my thoughts untie themselves around each other, my mind remembers itself and my feelings feel themselves again and not tiredness and burn out. To be continued when my thoughts and memories catch up. ''

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc. Posted October 11, 2021 ''I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently written and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

2 hours meditation, sloppy insights, although the best stuff isn't an insight. Thoughts hit like aliens attacking in a computer game, in meditation the thoughts come slow enough to deal with and learn how the game works. it's like we're thrown into life and say "I can handle it!" and turn up the difficulty level to max before learning how to properly deal with a single alien ship. Then we wonder what went wrong. Self love could "prevent" all misunderstandings. Out of loyalty and aversion, I learned to work hard and deny my own true desires. One incident when I was 15 and overheard my Dad say I was lazy and how did "THEY" raise a lazy kid, I was gutted. I learned to work and avoid by working my ass off. I'd prove him wrong. I didn't see or know that the comment felt awful because it wasn't true. What kind of parents expect a 15 year old to do no social stuff, nothing fun or expanding whatsoever and work in a fucking cemetery in all their spare time? I didn't see how much his identity was wrapped in in being a hard worker because he accepted the same faulty message from his parents. I'm mad that I was too afraid and too loyal to ask for an actual childhood. I'm mad that I didn't go on the art weekend out of fear and out of being afraid they wouldn't be able to take care of a FUCKING CEMETARY without me. I'm mad that he literally controlled out of fear every aspect of my life. I'm mad that I just plain old didn't know, if a thought feels bad, it's not about you. I'm mad that I compensated for it. I'm mad at myself for trying to perpetuate the same thing and have the same expectations of my husband. I think the whole fucking country is realizing that its identity is not one of being "hard workers". I'm mad that I just didn't follow what felt right to me. I did a lot. I really did. I'm sick and fucking tired of living on the end of the earth. It's funny to know that a CEMETARY was the first clue to there being a world out "there". Out there, really, really out there. Life is so good. It's so full circle. It's so funny. I really missed out on nothing. You don't have to fight the aliens after all. They are friends. Well then, anger and tears streaming down my face, or peaceful post meditation buzz, I don't know if there's a difference or a preference anymore.