Loba

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About Loba

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  1. Spending time watching people; children who deserve the best life go through these sorts of things. It's not fair for children to go through this, they deserve to be happy and free. I'm trying to get out of my "bubble" and see some sort of bigger picture out there. I can't tell if my decision to set these boundaries with my family is selfish or not, I am feeling guilt and don't know quite what to think of myself. Maybe I'm just a lazy, bad person? I feel something, a strong sadness for people who go through things like this, so I don't think I'm so far gone that I can't understand another person's suffering. I'm just not sure where I stand, when it comes to good decisions and bad decisions. I hope little babies like this get the best heaven. People like this are so strong, they make me ashamed for my petty problems and little weaknesses. It's hard to gauge what level of humanity I have left. I wish I was dead. I want to be dead. But I don't think I deserve anything good. If I leave now, what will happen to my family? I know they won't be better off emotionally. I just don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired? Burnout. My family is still yelling at me all the time, threatening.
  2. Open eyes Keep an open mind Out of nothing The stars align What is least expected Sometimes all you need Nothing lasts forever When every moment's A choice you're making Just let it guide you Down whatever road you're chasing This song is really beautiful, for times like this. I can't get it out of my mind on what my family would do if I committed suicide, I have no idea how they would react. Certainly not well. But in this process of creating boundaries, they might push me over the edge anyways, what's keeping me here is having my pets, first and foremost, I love them dearly. If my family gets rid of them to spite me, I don't know how I'll react to it. Another part of me understands that I am coming down from these medications and that the severe depression could be related to that. Over the next few days, I am going to pack my belongings up, not only because I want to simplify my life, but in case I do decide to go through with it then they won't have a bunch of stuff to pack. I suppose, I've felt this way for a long time - I just have a yearning. I'm sure I'll figure it all out, the internet is a treasure trove of answers for all the important questions.
  3. I have some reservations that I want to write through to see if I can create some sort of resolution for myself. I have mixed feelings. If we are stuck in a school, where we have to keep coming back here to learn lessons, I don't want to come back here and learn the same lessons over and over again in this manner, but it's possible that after death with a bigger picture understanding that I will know what I have done wrong, what I came here to do and so forth, and that I will have messed that up for myself. There's also the selfish element of suicide, even though I have a lot of pain, it will still cause pain to leave. It will mess up my family, they will struggle more, they may take my pets to the shelter, so they will suffer, my work will be left incomplete, and I've come a long way. I could just let the suffering go on, live this life as the loser I am and return to heaven whole and complete. I don't want to have to explain myself to my soul group why I did that, but my life has been hard. It's been full of isolation, health issues and I just feel very, very sad most of the time. I have no life skills. I did it to myself. And I can't help but hope that God would give me a pass and just let me relax in heaven for a good long while, and I desire to have the sense of freedom and wholeness that comes with returning to the soul completely. And if I do have to return here, I could find "my people" and we could escape from our situations while still young. I have at the tip of my heart all these beautiful images and scenery of what heaven might be like. There's also my fear of going to hell or being forced back here, which is like being in hell. A part of me says, "Just do all the things, shut up about it, they'll never understand, you're worthless, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel." And that sits with me strongly. It's hard to know what to do, I'll have to keep investigating into myself. They're gone and I have the urge to down a bunch of pills, but there aren't enough to cause death and the ones I want that would cause a painless sleep. Sometimes I look at the posts here and wish I had those mundane problems. Like who to date, where to work, how to look, normal things that I threw away. I feel as though I could be an ugly soul as well. I don't know if the universe has anyone's best interests at heart, or if we're just thrown into the blender to suffer a lot and then come back "home" relieved. I have no answers and I wish I did. I can't tell if it is my survival instinct kicking in or if a higher power is telling me how it's gunna be if I leave too soon, but if everything is planned and there is a reason for everything, why wouldn't suicide be included in this as well? Why is it that society has such a problem with it that we've created this lore to keep people around?
  4. This morning I am again being guilted for not doing anything, however it is a protest to change the dynamic of this family. I need them to see how they've treated me, used me as a maid and a punching bag for their problems and all I'm getting is denial, projection and more threats. I want them to understand how I felt when they dropped the ball all the times they had, and how it feels when you don't have a person's best interests at heart when they need you. They refuse to understand where I am coming from because it would result in them having to look at themselves and the things they've done. It's like, since going off of these meds, I don't feel numbed to what happened. I don't want it to get thrown under the rug and to be treated like a teenager my whole life. I want the dynamics to change and until they do, then I'm on strike. I tried to get my mother to own up to her abuse, but I got hit with the "you were just a bad child" routine. No, mom, you hit me, chased me around, gaslit me, got the school and therapists involved but never looked at your own actions, threatened me, poured water on me in bed, took the doorknobs off the doors so I couldn't get away from you, grounded me for every minor thing, didn't let me grow as a person, didn't bother to understand me, just control me, would take away my bed and have me sleep on the floor, would have neighbors conspire against me when I stood up for myself, threw objects at me, sent me to juvy on my 18th birthday for avoiding school due to being bullied, the list goes on. A few days ago, it just hit me, that these people just want me to do things for them. They don't know anything about bipolar, they don't care to learn, they just want to control my life in the same manner that they did when I was young and the things that I need to be a healthy, happy person are never taken into consideration. I'm trying to move away from them emotionally and psychologically. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing things for people, but to what do I owe my abusers who keep me stuck in a role I don't want to play anymore? When I've needed support and help, they have dropped the ball more times than I can count. This guy offers great advice. I've been binging on his stuff. I'm suicidal, about ready to leave this world and all they are concerned about "what can you do for ME?" I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I can't go on like this. I've tried explaining to them, "You just want people to do things for you, you don't care to understand them at all." To which I was given more denial and attempts at turning the tables. Because they refuse to see the abuse and control, they can't understand my views on why I am refusing to help them. If they could let go of needing to scapegoat me, to stop threatening me and seek to understand me as a person instead of an extension of their needs, then I would be willing to do what they ask, but because they cannot do this, I'm on strike. It's like... to what do you owe someone who hits little children? What kind of sick person does all that shit and then turns it around and makes it out to be that I was just a "bad kid". They just used constant threats and punishment all my life, to no end - and I'm unresponsive to it. I know that this will probably result in me losing everything, maybe even my life, but I just can't keep living this way. With people like this. If it wasn't them, it was friends, it was my ex, I just let way too many people into my life who were dysfunctional in their own ways and they took my life from me. I feel like a boiled frog, it's always just been one stressor, one catastrophe after the next with no breaks, no chance to calm the tides, it's made me sick. I'm going to try and give it a couple of weeks to a month, if possible - I might be too cowardly, but if I do my research and know what to expect maybe I'll get myself out of these fears. Also, please don't message me about this stuff, I don't like getting people involved with my problems. I'm kind of a cu** and it isn't my place to drag someone into my bullshit, whatever happens happens and that's just how life goes.
  5. My family is upping the ante, they are threatening to get rid of my dog and cats, to kick me out, they're calling me names, they won't let me eat the food here, they've taken my phone. I've just been sitting here, researching toxic families and setting boundaries. They are upset because I am refusing to help around the house, I am not interacting with them with my mother's surgery because they didn't help me when I needed them, because they scapegoated and abused me my whole life and always made me out to be the problem. They hit me, chased me around, got therapists and the school system to agree that I was the problem and turned me into a mid 30's shut-in. I don't feel I owe them anything. They've done so much damage all these years and something just clicked a few days ago that it's never going to change, so I have been staying away from them, but each day they add on more threats, more punishments. My dad straight up said to me, "I want to push you over the edge so that I can get rid of you! I am ashamed of you. I don't want anyone to see you." They minimize everything that I do. I thought I would have more time, but the more threats they place the more I realize that window is closing. I can't live on my own. I don't really fully know what is wrong with me, but I'm damaged beyond repair. I can't do anything for myself, I can't focus, I've destroyed my life. I just want to distance myself from them, but they won't let me do that without doing everything they can to hurt me emotionally and psychologically. But I can't go back, I can't be the problem anymore. I just can't. They're going to use my diagnoses to lie to authorities that I am dangerous to get me kicked out. Each day it's something new and worse, they just can't let me go in peace, they have to drag me down. It's always been like this, they exact complete control over every area of my life, have never let me grow as a person, and then threaten it all when I want to get away. I really... really wanted to take my time with this, I wanted to find something before I found my resolve to leave this world. I feel as though I've allowed the people in my world to just eat me alive - and wanting to separate from them emotionally, they won't allow it without destroying me completely. They're going to take everything from me before they are finished. I just can't go back to being force-fed the lie that the things they have done are my fault. I can't make it on my own either and I have nothing to offer the world. I screwed myself over for that, but to be honest, it's been nothing but taking damage in some form or another from these people - I haven't ever had the chance to develop or grow and when I did have those seven years on my own, I just kind of retreated into myself, avoided the world and did nothing all day. Like, I don't even know what an adult day looks like. The reason I don't want to take the meds is because I think my mental problems are related to trauma, and I didn't like how my mother would force me to take them in front of her. I can't even wash my own clothes here. They control my money... my phone... so I can't get food when I need to. I'll have nothing to eat. They lock me out from half of the food because I was eating too much due to the meds. I kind of wanted to lose the weight from them as well. I'm getting closer and closer, and I am becoming less afraid. I will never get out of this without everything I love and enjoy being taken from me, I will never get out of this being treated like my own person. I knew this would happen, I have been doing the research on what goes on when you set a boundary, and toxic families will take the scapegoat down completely, ruin them, if they try to change the dynamic. So I gotta figure out how to get over this fear. I think what I need to do first is clean up my room, make the space look nice and find a way to get the keys to my meds and save the propanolol for when it's time and just wait until it's night and take the big sleep. I don't know. It's still mulling around in my mind. I need a way out. I just need some reassurance that I'm not going to end up somewhere worse. I want to sit and wait and see how far they take this as well. It might just be a bluff. I'll wait and see, if they continue with the threats and get rid of my animals then I'll probably just peace out. I just hope that in the afterlife, people are more free. That we aren't controlled by our bodies, that we are individuals and able to express ourselves. That the truth of how we feel about one another is good and fair and that we know what we are doing with ourselves. I hope that everything works out for everyone and that it's full of beauty and fun and games and that all the problems that I have had in this life don't matter, that I am smarter, more capable and that I get to stay and don't have to come back here again. I hope that the veil that keeps people from accepting and loving one another is removed and that we are all able to do this. I want everyone to have a decent, happy afterlife and that there is reasoning behind the madness. That the bigger picture allows for some sense of reassurance, that we don't have to strive and suffer and that we get to be like children again. I don't know what's to come, I wish I did. I spent this whole journal doing everything I could to figure out what comes next, but I guess you just have to jump in headfirst and hope for the best. Maybe God will take pity on me and I won't get stuck in the back of the line for the shitty things I have done and said during my times of distress, that my ignorance can be forgiven, that I would be seen as someone pushed to the edge senselessly by a sick family unit that couldn't let me go without their roles defining who I am. I don't want bad karma, I don't want any karma. I just want to be set free. I can't fend for myself in this world and I am no ones responsibility, nor would I ever want that for myself or another person. I don't want to be sent to a psych ward for refusing to cooperate with a family system that only values its members by what they can do for them and not who they are. You would think that separating from people, staying away, that these would be warning signs any normal person would see - but all they see is what I am not doing for them, for what they feel they deserve. Once you drop the ball and quit playing the game, it becomes obvious - they never really loved you, they just needed to you be a certain way and when you won't do that, they'll kick you while you're down. I don't think they will stop, I think that every day it will be a barrage of new threats, new rules, new punishments - and all because I realized that my mother was enacting too much control over me. My life has been riddled with anxiety, depression, escaping into fantasy, and I'm just too far gone. I'm too tired from all of it. I want a restart, and I want to know why God put such a vulnerable person in this position in the first place. How having a life like this, full of isolation, shame, guilt, anger - how could anyone overcome such a thing when they were made so limited? Who would I have been if I had been raised differently? Who am I really even now? I have no idea. They ate me alive and then expected a different result.
  6. Weed, coffee, having time to myself, tasty food, caring for my pets, sleeping a lot, studying spiritual things - just the basic stuff that losers like me enjoy.
  7. Organize my room, write a goodbye letter, pray, spend time with my pets.
  8. @Blackhawk I'm asexual so I don't care about being desired, in fact, I tend not to like it very much. I'd be okay with just being healthy, feeling comfortable in my body and not worrying about the day to day.
  9. At least you're healthy. I don't care that I'm not hot, I wish I could have been just healthy and normal - there's no point in living if you're diseased and miserable. Enjoy your health. That's all that matters.
  10. @JoeVolcano Truth, thanks Joe.
  11. I get it and relate, but the thought of death is too much, too. There's no guarantee it's all going to be okay, so all we have is life. What if the other side is worse? Or maybe there is nothing at all? That this is all you get, just some crummy life and then zilch?
  12. Wow, this thread... so this forum is okay with the threat of abuse of power if they don't conform to another person's views, without even being given the option of discourse on the matter and that's just perfectly okay? That anyone who disagrees is "just against me" and there's no wiggle room? See, that's messed up, because we all have our problems with life and things to overcome and we can't just bring our personal struggles into the equation and try to shove them down other people's throats because we "feel bad". That's not acceptable, and I expect better from this moderation team. If you can't put your personal struggles aside to view things from an objective standpoint, then you shouldn't be in a position of power over anyone. That is abusive.
  13. Eat breads, greasy food and drink a lot of water.