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About Aquarius

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  • Birthday 01/21/1998

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  1. Pretend You saw me and said to yourself that I'd be someone you could love. Someone passionate, honest and full of loving kind energy. Is that true though? Am I the person you are trying to imagine me to be? Or am I just someone that you dress with imaginary qualities? In any case.. I am lonely as fuck. I don't have anyone to go out with. I'd gladly settle for less.... And I try, I try to love you.. but you're sooo not my type. I cannot possibly feel any type of attraction towards you. I try to pretend, day by day.. and well, shit getting serious.. You're giving me expensive gifts, I don't even know how can you afford that to yourself! Your mom grew fond of me.. she's giving me gifts too now. I feel vulnerable... I fell asleep with her ring on my hand. Guilty as hell. How cruel can love be. A dirty exchange between man and woman. Or two individuals, for the matter. You give me comfort, I give you care. You give me abundance, I give you a home. You give me pleasure, I give you my loyalty. You give, you give, you give me and I take it, take it, take it and transform it. The polar opposites of yang and yin in motion. Although, I well know it's just a matter of survival. You are thinking about our next big move.. a family together, outings with your new car.... But me!? I am lost about thinking about my next big hit. My next jackpot of a man's heart I can win ... then toss it away, like the other ones. No one will replace my first true love. A love I keep in my heart, while on the outside I'm just a cruel vamp looking for the next ride. L’amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie.... I know I should feel bad. And I do... on a different level. I do allow myself these dreams, of something different, of something safe and a place where I can get all the nurture for my growth. But I'm here... you tell me that you love me, and my chest contracting, I think of all the guys I talk to, and I reply "Cute. I do too."......Damn it. Sometimes I just want you to give me what I want, so I can have it then move on. It's all I'm here for. And yet, our partnership seems to grow stronger roots, stronger bonds... I feel like it is growing into different dimensions. You're dreaming of the romantic France.. a new life there, a new beginning. For me, death itself. A new opportunity to get away from you. But I'm next to you. Wonder how much it will last. I try and remain patient. Chacun voit midi à sa porte. Qui court deux lievres a la fois, n’en prend aucun.....
  2. I told him I take medication, and he told me not to, because they just ruin your life, which is true. I used to not take medication for a long time, then I felt bad bc of withdrawal syndromes so I took a higher dose and fell asleep for a longer time. That's all. But it's still no reason to drink yourself dead over..
  3. Yes.. I don't have a problem breaking off from them... for me, I am not attached at all.. it's just, they keep coming around. He actually contacted me again and we started going out and stuff, but he keeps telling me, actually, yelling at me how I think he has no problems on his shoulders and how I keep asking him what';s the matter when it's so obvious he is in such a great trouble.. and when I ask him, like yeah, what's the matter though?? he said, better to keep quiet than stir the waters. And I was like wtff, he is hiding shady things from me?? And I noticed that he always tells me stuff about himself, but he is clearly "coloring" it into something nicer, I feel like he is lying and justifying a lot on his inadequate behavior, relying on victim mentality to feel better about himself..
  4. Not really, but they have that behavior, like ... I talked to his friend once and when I didn't understand something, I politely said "pardon me?".. and he was like ohhhh my god... haha no way this girl is........ damn Because many people are Red and when they talk to a yellow/green person they feel weird about the whole calm and collected behavior and good manners. And many times I was told to wear more make up, grow long hair... And generally people make me feel retarded, I always was considered the most stupid in school. Even though no one knew me... it's just people liked to pick on me..
  5. Hi, I posted something a while ago about how I wanted my family to develop into higher states of consciousness on the spiral. It gained a bit of criticism but I believe people don't really understand how most Purple/Blue families are working.. I had a fight with them because I cannot really endure their controlling behavior based on old notions of mannierism and moralism and closed-minded, dogma-based group/cult behavior, making favourites and lesser favourite people outside and inside their/our little "group". I told them of these and they got very offended and started yelling at me, became defensive and were in denial and claimed that they have to "raise me" to think like them, to be a GOOD PERSON! Fucking. RAISE. ME?? I mean I'm 22 not a little child.. They like to have a holier-than-thou and a subtle "we better than other people mentality" on how they approach other people, and are in denial about it when confronted. Things about how our family is better and more moral than other people out there, we know everything better, we know even what GOD WANTS, that bearded man in the sky, yeah, because "we know how His mind works, and He is angry if you do this or that, because oh wait wait, what if we are the some higher natured humans, the people next to God, almost like God is our genie in the bottle that punishes others at our will, because our psychological persuasion, mental captivity and religious emotional abuse aren't enough!" So I feel like they have this cultish behavior and air of culticness around them, being in this one family group, there being 1 family member who is the control of finances and moral conduct, then she has a loyal weak-willed, emotionally maltreated daughter next to her, having her help making the other people in the family obey based on shaming and emotional abuse based on religious ideologies. We are ONE family, only WE matter, others are "aliens". They call other people I talk to "stranger". When I say, hey, I am going with this person for a drink, I knew him for 5 years.. they are like wtffff with that stranger??? You better stay at home... you...... have a lot... to do. You do!... You cannot leave the house because we are the important people for you! We do everything to please you! You are one of us and we are the FAMILY! You cannot betray of just to sell your soul for a drink..!" They don't talk to other people and feel good about it, the head of the family, the oldest, isolating, keeping captive the other weaker people, who she have weakened through the years, through shaming and guilt-inducing by portraying masochistic tendencies... in a way of, I am sacrificing my body for you because I am willing to suffer when you aren't doing how I wish... Old notions are very prevalent, for example one night I slept in another home, at a boy I date, because it was getting late, we had other people over as well and they stayed late so he invited me to stay over for the night. When I got home, the old "I am torturing my psyche and body for your bad deeds" masochistic manipulative mind-control technique came, of my grandmother making motions of almost fainting, barely breathing, eyes making movements of hurt and portraying feelings of inner torture. It took like 2 days to calm her down and she is still full of resentment. I cannot even say dirty jokes, because if I do... they are like, this is not your personality, this is not you, you don't say things like that, these don't fit you, you cannot be like these, because you are a soft little girl (!!!) and cannot say this. And even this weird psychological abuse of being a "little girl"... like wtf at 22 I am an independent woman! They didn't want to let me work for like 3 years I was unemployed because of them... they kept saying I cannot work a normal job, I must be a secretary or informatician because I am "beautiful, intelligent, perfect, higher than others, better than others, more amazing than others, a special person..", which is NOT true, I am like everybody else or even worse! And I admit that! But for them, I must be the perfect little princess girl. Ew. So I tried a few jobs, I got employed because I was young.. but they kept hurting me with things like OH MY GODDD you are so tired and you will feel sick and this job isn't for you, you must work something that is higher class! because you are higher than others! So please help me, what can I do to open their eyes!?? They are in so much denial about reality..
  6. I think children are really bad, uneducated and nasty for the most part. They do anything to get their ways. Most of them are spoiled and egotistical, especially in today's materialistic culture and with the media poisoning their minds. I tend to think of them as unpolished diamonds. As they grow, and if they're lucky, life may lead them on the path to higher states of love.
  7. Todays watching and reading list: Adding more soon...
  8. I just finished watching another hour. Make it 7.
  9. Okay so I kinda was busy with my art and other things. I remember I didn't finish my last reading list... but I did 1 hour. Then I watched Ken Wilber talk about Integral Spirituality.. 2 hours. Then I watched some various stuff for maybe 30 minutes. + 3 hours and 30 minutes. Total 6 hours.
  10. I would love to introduce my family to personal development. Thanks for your reply, Leo.
  11. That's the exact process I was to go about. But could you please mention a few examples of topics? What are the most important orange values I should work with?? And they are pretty smart so I assume they are higher blue. I do love them, that's why I want to help them evolve because our society is mainly orange where I live and they would benefit greatly. I see.. but how should I do this??
  12. Hello! So I live in a small boring town with my family and a grandparent. I'm 22 years old. They seem to be really closed minded and SD Blue thinking. I got this idea for helping them advance into higher stages. I want to improve my relationship with them but they keep speaking of God and it is exhausting. What would you guys recommend? What techniques should I do to help them advance to higher stages? And first I'd also like to bring them into a higher consciousness Blue thinking since they seem to be very unhealthy minded. For example my mother has no close connections with anyone, she literally has no friends or anyone to talk with.. she keeps praying all day and night, and I don't have a problem with that I just wish we could have a better mother-daughter relationship and I want her to be more social. What kind of topics should I introduce to them? I'd like to introduce them step by step. Maybe I could research intelligent blue individuals and help them get the most out of their current levels of understanding. Please provide some resources for higher Blue, Orange and Green, thank you! Also need some tips on how to help them..
  13. Not doing this because of ethical reasons .. i jjst simply dont like meat. That's all. Fish is fine..
  14. I don't get the point of this. I hope it is a joke.... Take care and please don't do silly stuff. You don't know what you are doing and are just going to hurt yourself in the process. The body needs nutrients and eating bananas only makes no sense. Please take care of yourself!!!
  15. Sounds like a plan!