ElenaO

Carl is telling me that I'm treating Luke terribly. That I am not emotionally nurturing him. I got very upset about this. I do agree I'm not always on top of it when Luke hits Sam (I have to stop overreacting), but I'm not always doing this. There are good and bad moments. I'm afraid about Sammy. I do agree I have to stop screaming at Luke when he does something to Sam, I guess that's all I can really do about it. Explain to him that hitting is not OK.

Our roborock broke my breast pump . It dropped it while vacuuming, so me and Carl spent an hour or more trying to fix it yesterday. It still would not work, argghh. I ordered the tubing from Amazon, but it will only arrive tomorrow, so it will be 2 days later. Such an inconvenience. Sammy is at times so demanding. He used to be different; it used to be not a problem to change his diaper or clean his nose. Now he displays such a strong dissatisfaction with that.

Sam's a walker! really. He started walking a couple of days ago, where he'd rarely crawl; walking is his number one. And he'd walk in rounds from the living room to other rooms, the kitchen, pick up stuff, and so on! He also learned how to stand up on his own, using hands for now, but sometimes I've seen him even just from a squat! wow. I thought this would take longer, but he's doing it! Tomorrow is Father's Day, so we plan to go to the Golden Gardens to spend some time on a picnic. After quiet time, around 3:30, we'll need hats and sunscreen for all.

I took Sam and Luke to Greenwood Park today after quiet time. Luke was happy, and Sammy was not so much. We did it, either way. It went pretty well, after all, except that I had to pick Sam quite often because he asked to be held. He has this tendency when we're out. Luke was running around and pretty independent, we had a few things that we needed to resolve with other kids, but it went smooth overall. I think I was assertive enough, which I like. It was the last day of preschool for Luke, and Carl went to the potluck. I cut some cantaloupe, so he took it with him. Carl said Asher, his friend, was crying when Luke was leaving. That's so sweet and sad. I think he's going to be at the summer camp just for a week.

Today, I let my mom rest, and I took both kids out for the afternoon. It wasn't bad, I think I'd want to do it more. Sammy is starting to slowly move to walking more, but it's still very much in the beginning. But he likes it. He also speaks way more, but in his language. It's magical to see how he's walking on his own—this baby of mine It's very cute how they walk when they learn!!! Super! Luke and Sam continue having it rough. Mostly because Luke doesn't let Sam play with anything he's looking at, or not even things he's interested in. He hit him today with a book because he was curious about it and wanted to touch it and play with it.

Yes, Luke is sick. It was a tough day. Too much work for both me and Carl. He works on the drywall in the crawl space, I spent time with kids a lot. People at the pocket park drive me nuts. I cannot assert myself.

Luke is probably sick again... Sam also isn't feeling great, who knows why. Maybe because of sleep, maybe because of something I have no idea about. Some days, I barely muster the energy to get things done. That is happening on bad nights. Last night I could not sleep for over an hour. I woke up and checked the temperature in the kids' rooms, their cameras, and perhaps that made me not sleepy. I started going to the pocket park with Sammy, and it's sometimes great, sometimes OK, sometimes terrible (because of other people).

This is going to be a complaint post. Why is life so difficult? I wake up tired around 5:30 am every morning and have anxiety around me doing yoga and stretches while Sammy is playing or fussing. Anxiety because every time it's a question of how I'll get it done, while Sam wants his attention. He can play for quite a while if he sleeps enough, but a lot of times he doesn't. We're dealing with night wakes and early morning wakings. Then I get to eat with him and Luke while trying to occupy them both. Carl does help there, but it's still pretty stressful nonetheless. Then I feel a wave of tiredness come over me often, and it does not go away until the very end, or does not at all. Sometimes I have no motivation to do anything - I want to sit and relax. There's a list of chores I need done daily, and of course, I need to spend time with Sammy productively. After all this, I often feel dull because the days are so repetitive. Then comes the point when I need to assert myself at the playgrounds. I'm still learning, and often get so angry afterwards for not doing well. I hate this so much sometimes.

Still tired from a lack of sleep. Irritable. It's pretty bad. I sometimes am not as patient as I should be with kids. Sam is also lacking sleep. Apparently so does Luke. He woke up at 3am and could not fall back asleep. I wonder if there's a trend here that I haven't noticed? We went with Sammy to the library after his nap because I could not get out the whole morning and early afternoon. I nap for 30 min when Sam goes to sleep and then eat and shower. He woke up too early for me to get time to have a walk. So I felt very strong desire to get out and so we did. He liked it there, it's about our third time there walking around with support, cruising. He played with some toys they have there available for children. It's neat you can go there when it rains. It was rain on and off the entire day.

I continue have this antihedonic mood. So I try to supplement by having treats. Not a good idea... Makes me feel even worse afterwards. Sammy is so amazingly cute. I just cannot relate it- the way he looks, the way he acts. Such a cutie pie Luke is smart. He comes up with all kind of conclusions on his own (and maybe from something he heard from his dad?). I have done bath with him 2 days in a row and he's been a sweetie.

Today I felt better. For one, I slept more this time, although Sam did wake me up at 4 am. This time Luke was asleep thankfully. I also had chocolate, and that almost certainly lifts my mood. I also had some time to read in the afternoon while Sammy was asleep. I'm reading a book by Gary Chapman about marriage. It's very Christian oriented, but I just skip those sections that are about reading bible together etc. Luke has meltdowns and it annoys the heck of me. And he feels it. I know I should not show this but it's hard because it's HARD. He would just cry out of nothing (not to him, clearly).

Sometimes I get days when I don't have any motivation or enthusiasm, nothing to look forward to. On those days you question yourself why are you doing all of this? I think it's partly related to hormones, lack of sleep, not enough positive stimulation. Sometimes life gets very repetitive and it becomes dull, or so it feels. Being a stay at home mom judging as a job cannot be quantified. When you work, your work is paid in salary. When you study you get grades which quantify your effort. When you're a mom you cannot really tell anything of how well or not well you're doing. And so it is for your husband, he won't be able to quantify either. It's much easier to show how much money you bring and that you work 8h a day versus somehow showing off that you're raising a child.

I wonder how much does Sam understand and how far he is from Luke in understanding language? He seems very intelligent: he points at things and tells me somethings in his own way, he tries to communicate if he wants something, he also turns his head up or at me at times (probably wanting some affirmations and praise from me). He really is like a little human being now. I think he really wants to walk, and he's just a millimeter away from this. He walks with push walkers (we have a small kid chair and he uses this at home), he walks with support and can also stand by himself for a few seconds, especially if he doesn't notice it. We went with Luke to another Sam's birthday (a child from Luke's preschool). It was fun, because I wasn't trying to be nice all the time. I enjoyed it. They had Pagliacci pizza and cupcakes. Luke had 3 small slices of cheese pizza and a big cupcake. He was so uninhibited today and had lots of fun playing with others. His friends are Jia, Asher, Wes, Rafa. It's new to me, because he was different before. You can see he's grown. He's also literally grown in height, he's taller than a lot of kids in his class.

Sam fell asleep on the way back home today from the cafe. I met my mom there to celebrate mom's day. I was pretty upset, and haven't acted always gentle towards him when trying to wake him up. I feel sadness and regret about this. He's been feeling tired and irritated the entire morning. I also have been rude a couple of times because of this - I'm myself a wreck recently, it reminds me of sleep-deprived early days. I'll go to sleep at 9:15pm at the latest today. Again, it all comes down to awareness. Noting the feeling of irritation and holding back on reacting. I feel sadness about not being always kind. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong with Sam's sleep. He just wakes up very early and it's a chronic issue. I had a fight with Carl too. I do not know how to put into practice the book about marriage I'm currently reading. Which just proves that books sometimes do not always easily apply to real life.

I teared up today when seeing Luke's photos just a little over a year ago. He still looked baby-ish. How much has he changed! But not just that - I feel like our relationship has changed forever. I cannot devote as much time to him, I lose connection with him a lot of the time and a lot of times actions are so rushed and automatic - it's about getting things done, not about enjoyment and spending time together. There's rarely every moments of content when it's both kids together, it's way overly stressful. Hope it changes as they grow. I do really feel bad for Luke and for myself - I miss those moments.