Gladius

It might be age, healing, or both, but as days go by I feel calmer, happier, and carefree. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to force (or avoid) situations, relationships or feelings, although I'm able to be more and more aware of that. What else is life, anyways? Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

These last weeks some relationships, both at family level and friendships, have been repaired. It's actually important to make an effort in that sense, if there is a will from both sides. As isolation comes to an end, there are still more and more layers of healing waiting to for their turn. Hope this makes sense.

February's goal has been accomplished. Forgetting about the phone is being extremely beneficial. I'll keep this habit from now on. Wondering more atomic habits to integrate, avoiding alcohol might be a good one. Lately, I realised I'm enjoying it less and less, and I just ordered a cup in social settings for people pleasing purposes. Thus, during March I will avoid alcohol at all and see how it goes.

Despite the optimism of my last post, this week I did sense a lack of energy, caused mainly by working long hours. Actually, this led me to met someone who I might like as a partner, but I still feel I'm not 100% ready yet. Probably somewhere around 90%?

Having a kid must be both the most fulfilling and exhausting experience possible for a human being. You guys are lucky to have each other. Congratulations.

Lately, it feels like I'm reaching an optimal level of health. My nervous system is way more calm, which means my thoughts are not so intense anymore. If I compare myself to a year ago, the progress is undeniable. My routine includes going to the gym 4-5 times a week, I barely drink and smoke, and my new career is definetely taking off. For the time being, I don't ask anything else from life. My eyes are open to see if I can find a partner but I won't chase it. Steady as she goes.

@ElenaO Thanks, it truly is an addiction, and it should be treated as one. It's all part of the process. Of course you can expect difficult emotions bubbling up when you abstain, but I'm confident it is worth it. Good luck to you as well!

This month there has been some recognition to my work. That brings even more validation to the feeling I already have that I'm getting back on track. The goal for January, though, was not fulfilled. Apparently, I keep needing that cheap dopamine source which is a dating app. In February, I will set a simple one since I really want a taste of victory. I'll be turning my phone off at work. That's it.

It's difficult to believe that being nearly 40 years old, my emotional comfort zone is still expanding, which sometimes sucks. This becomes apparent with relationships. Maybe I took this "growth mindset" thing too seriously. Looking forward to relaxing a little bit with life.

Removing instant gratification sources is tough, and some unpleasant memories or emotions can bubble up in the following days without warning. Hopefully, there is a payoff. I assume that means more health or energy in some way, calmness and deep connection. Let's keep tracking that.

Those are just made-up beliefs from you. Does it serve you to think that way, whether it's true or not? I'm becoming 38 and feeling more healthy and attractive than ever before.

It's a perfect day to start this new chapter of my life. My previous journal started setting some kind of rules to myself on social media use, and ended up unraveling so much stuff I wasn't even aware. Phew. What a journey. Therefore, it has been proven useful to give an intention to this practice, even if it seems silly. My goal for this January is simply to delete the Facebook app from my phone and to stay away from it. That's it. Along the way, for sure there will be plenty of juicy insights, thoughts and awesomeness. Cheers.

This is the 4th year anniversary of this journal. It's also the perfect time to end it. It's been several months now since I'm feeling enough emotional stability to close this chapter of my life. I might open another journal, but in a different direction. We'll see. It's time for a break. Thanks to all of those who have read and interacted. Of course, special thanks to @Leo Gura. I hope you are aware of what you've created, man. You're awesome. I'm grateful for life. And if things go ever wrong again, the mantra is "back to basics" @studentofthegame Cheers.

Something I realised these last days is that I'm still stuck at many different layers of the Karpman drama triangle. It's essential to remind myself of this because it creates so much tension in my relationships, and it takes up a lot of energy. Some people in my life is still triggering victim thoughts. I'm still approaching many relationships (friendships or romantic) as looking for rescuers, persecutors or victim (as myself). At the moment I'm aiming to get rid of that resentment and looking at things as they are now. If I don't do that, it will be as if I still haven't learned the lesson, which is setting boundaries with others and taking care of myself. That would keep me stuck in the loop, and that's what I don't want. This is probably the most important insight for me from this journal. Actually, I've been talking about it over and over. It looks like this is finally sinking in.

In one month, it will be the 4th year anniversary of this journal, and probably the end of it. The intention, even though I didn't know in the beginning, was to overcome a shitty past and break free of the drama triangle. It has been looking like that for the last several months. This whole year has been amazing so far in terms of recovery and self-mastery. I'm eager to close this chapter of my life. In one month we'll do the final review.