Gladius

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  1. These days I had much free time for observation and insights. There is a really important word that came up and I barely used during this journal: Assertiveness. This is something I lacked a lot and it caused me a lot of trouble in my past. If I ever felt attacked or offended, I used to just repress emotions and say to myself some excuse like "i'm over it" or "let it go". That's a terrible strategy and made me feel more and more insecure, isolated and sick. So far I managed to know what's going on inside of me. Now I'm starting to talk, demand, and act according to my needs and thoughts. And it feels so good.
  2. Today I tested positive for covid. Since I barely have any symptoms, I felt quite happy to have a couple weeks off work. It actually comes in handy. This will give me a break and let me set the goals for next season. As I mentioned before, by the end of July I would review feedback on job applications. Other than that, decompressing will be healthy per se. This time will be well used for sure.
  3. That insights list is one of my favourite habits created lately, every word written on it is pure gold. It's great news you're opening up to your family. Talking as grown ups can be very healthy for everyone. Expect discomfort. Great job, looking forward to reading how it goes. All the best.
  4. Juicy insights await if you're willing to pay attention to yourself. I need to remind myself over and over that my goal is very ambitious: Being truly happy. From the very inside, with no distractions, smoking or alcohol. Obviously, after decades mistreating myself, my mind and body aren't really used to happiness. Thus, change feels so uncomfortable you sabotage yourself. Keeping that in mind all the freaking time will be useful to avoid the trap. Today I felt funny, and after a couple hours I asked myself "why is this happening?". I turned off all screens and waited for a while. I started feeling better and better. I realised I was overthinking about some whatsapp conversations and playing a victim again. That's when I think how would behave my greatest version, or even a role model, and I take some kind of action, either tidying up or just going for a walk outside. It works. This is going to be the plot twist of my story. I'm also having weekly CBT sessions. For the time being I'm not setting any other goals, this work is enough to make progress. Cheers.
  5. @studentofthegame I have literally same approach towards insights. Not big plans this summer, just working and a short trip here or there. How about you?
  6. This journal is about solutions, but I do need to remind myself of any therapeutic breakthroughs. A juicy insight came to me while trying to sleep. I was thinking about the past, and I realised it wasn't that terrible. Of course, there were some moments that sucked, but overall it could have been much worse. I have been using that same past as an excuse. Being a victim is easy, you just have to point others and complain. Meanwhile, time goes by. I know I've been mentioning this before, but I feel I'm slowly getting out of a rut, which is the purpose here. it feels like growing up, taking responsibility, and appreciating life with its ups and downs.
  7. As usual, when stress strikes, my worst self shows up. However, I'm getting better and better at catching that mf. Every time I feel something's off, I take a step backwards and just observe. A breakthrough might be close and that accelerates fears. I already started online CBT therapy, because I could use some additional support at the moment. Keeping it simple by now, just getting through the week.
  8. The most valuable thing I'm doing this week is adjusting my attitude when I'm feeling down. There's a lot of work and sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, but I'm able to react faster. However, I'm still mindful I need to take action to improve my current situation. Lately I had little feedback from my job applications, so I rewrote my resume and try again. If by the end of this month there is no more feedback, I'll evaluate the possibility of studying something else or learning new skills.
  9. July is here. The goal for this month will be just breathing. As simple as that. It will be a tough month with a lot of work so I just want to remember to breath well.
  10. @studentofthegame thank you, that's really encouraging! I try to be not naive or simple-minded. It's possible to be sad but happy to learn. I feel I wasted enough time in my life as a victim and I'm literally tired of that. By the way, taking note of Warmerdam's podcast, it looks like a tool I can use. Cheers!
  11. After spending a week with the girl I have been dating, the relationship is over. I used to take rejections personally and suffer a lot. However, this time I'm bouncing back quite fast. I had the feeling I am not really ready for a serious relationship yet. I am dragging some depression symptoms and I don't have the feeling of being fully myself yet. I'm positive and confident towards the future because this relationship meant so much progress. For the first time in my life, I managed to be with someone I really like, and it lasted some good months. I learned a lot and I'm also thankful for it. This sets an upgraded new standard for my next relationships and elevates my vibration. However, I'm writing this from the airport, so in the next fews days more insights or emotions might come up. I know I will be fine, whether I meet someone else or I'm by myself. I just need to stop making excuses and create my own path in life. And this summer the world is opening up more and more...
  12. @studentofthegame I did read a lot of books but I'm not sure how to call that kind of "therapy". I visited a therapist on 2019 for a few months. That was CBT based therapy which I think it really worked. I agree 100 % with you regarding the idea of taking responsibility and also seeking help when needed. Looking forward to reading further updates.
  13. @studentofthegame CBT can be life-changing indeed. I'm curious, what other therapeutic approaches do you think might fit you better if I may ask?
  14. @studentofthegame That's exactly my point of view. Actually, right before an important date or breakthrough I usually have some kind of crisis. I'm confident these experiences are part of the healing process. Thanks as always for your input!
  15. After a long streak of removing distractions, eating healthy, and applying lifestyle changes, inevitably some bottled up emotions came up. I recently experienced a big outburst of rage, apparently out of the blue. I started to punch a pillow to release it, for some good 20 minutes. It might sound crazy, but I actually felt so relieved afterwards. Getting in touch with emotions is key, especially since I'm prone on holding grudges. I'm actually halfway my holidays period. So far, I managed to disconnect from work, advance some side projects, and charge batteries. Second half sounds more promising.