Gladius

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  1. October is being dedicated to relaxing and decompression, and recovering my body and mind for a new life. November is going to be challenging, hopefully in a healthy way. I'm already registered for an intensive course and my intention is to arrive there in good shape to turn my life around. Up until now I maintained online sessions of CBT therapy. It's not like I felt a real connection with the therapist, but with so many changes lately it felt good venting to someone. If things stay the same, next week it will be over.
  2. As days go by, I'm feeling better and better. It's sad and satisfying and at the same time. I still can't understand how I spent so much time and energy doing things I hate. However, I feel like for the first time in my life I'm playing adulthood on my own terms, and no one else's. Better late than never. Actually, since stress and inadequacy thoughts are over, I don't care so much about setting goals. Still, I'm going to track my mood and see what other areas of my life are ready to improve.
  3. @studentofthegame Welcome to the club, my friend. As in any addiction, the first step is just admitting it. It's great you're aware of that and you don't rush into quick fixes. I try to spend time off the phone, uninstall those apps, and so on, but I end up backsliding sooner or later. It's way worse than smoking. With your permission, I will say we're together in this one Keep it up!
  4. Exactly, I just needed some time off for myself to have more clarity. Cheers, mate!
  5. @studentofthegame Thanks! Yeah, I think my most important upgrade is attitude. Actually I also quit that new job. I just used it as an excuse to activate change. Now I'm training as languages teacher, and combining it with more risky stuff. Looking forward to your updates, buddy!
  6. It's not easy to reflect on what is going on these last weeks. The most important insight is I gained so much confidence by rejecting things. I've been rejecting jobs, courses and people who are just not meant for me. My focus at the moment is getting training for a new professional career that gets me quite excited. This is happening by the end of October. Until then, I'm recovering, and preparing for it. On the side, not forgetting all the things I started. Too many times, in life, I was not aware of being in deep shit, until I was out of it. I feel like slowly being myself again. It will take time. I'm in no rush though. Cheers!
  7. @Matt23 It actually was a really specialized aspect of logistics, so it was impossible to apply anywhere else. I love screenwriting and filmmaking, but I can't see a realistic way to pay the bills with that for the time being. This year I tried teaching languages in private and I loved it, so I'm definitely training to become English teacher.
  8. @Matt23 No worries, I actually feel peace and relief now, but of course that means I "wasted" a big chunk of my life. My degree was in logistics.
  9. If you are not 100% sure, don't do it. Keep exploring. My experience with master's degree is not good though, I got one in my late 20's and still feel cringe about it. I'm 36 now and starting life totally from the scratch.
  10. So far, so good. I can almost feel like my brain is segregating serotonin once again. This next week I'm starting in the new job. Trying to do my best and see how I feel the rest of the time. Lately I had the excuse of this big changes in my life to miss exercise and have a poor diet. My intention is to build a healthy routine around this new schedule. Next week I'll review.
  11. It finally happened. The main goal of the last couple years has been accomplished today. I found a part-time job I kinda might like, and quit my "safe" one after 4 years feeling really awkward in that position. Lately, I even felt a bit embarrassed to write here, whining about the same thing over and over again, and not taking action. I just feel peace at the moment. Deep inside, I know I should have done this long ago. The voice nagging me to quit is quiet for the first time. Now, I have many plans (A, B, C, D and all the way to Z) and ideas. I'm excited about the future and the new possibilities. Of course it's not going to be easy, but at least I'll feel alive. It will be my dharma. In terms of healing, I feel quite confident. My hopes are now to recover some energy because I felt so drained lately. The actual main problem throughout my life has been the mindset. This last month I've been watching a lot of videos of myself as a kid. It was interesting to see and it brought me some juicy insights. My strategy back then was playing victim too often, so I could get love, and that evolved the wrong way in my adulthood. If I turn that around, I'm positive I can be happy and lead a pretty functional life. What's the alternative, anyways? I run out of excuses to be miserable. So, next goal is to finish my undergoing side projects. After that, I'll review. Cheers.
  12. @studentofthegame Summer is a difficult month to make progress in any area, so maybe it's better to fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride I also tried online CBT this summer and didn't click either. Do you humbly think you are becoming your own best therapist? Seems that when there is no progress on the outside, at least there is a good increase on the awareness inside. Good job, buddy.
  13. Things haven't changed this last month. No results. No feedback. Nothing. This has actually caused me quite a lot of mixed emotions. I experienced outbursts of anger and sadness which had barely happened before. Another important observation: When I don't take care of myself, my body pays a higher price. This is a friendly reminder to make myself a priority. The only goal left for the time being is a new job. Hopefully next month will be more dynamic in this sense. Meanwhile, trying to make the most of the summer.
  14. @studentofthegame Thanks buddy, done with covid already! I'm loving you words, getting this kind of feedback is encouraging. Cheers!
  15. These days I had much free time for observation and insights. There is a really important word that came up and I barely used during this journal: Assertiveness. This is something I lacked a lot and it caused me a lot of trouble in my past. If I ever felt attacked or offended, I used to just repress emotions and say to myself some excuse like "i'm over it" or "let it go". That's a terrible strategy and made me feel more and more insecure, isolated and sick. So far I managed to know what's going on inside of me. Now I'm starting to talk, demand, and act according to my needs and thoughts. And it feels so good.