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About khalifa

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  • Birthday 12/22/1990

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  1. @flowboy martin's just going to tell him to do another one most likely, that's what he told me when i told him i keep tripping everyday multiple times a night he mentioned i need to do one to complete the energy as the trip is trying to continue to finish something, so i have to trip full force and let go, give up breathing and just die and wait to be reborn again I thought he was insane when he said that as i was already terrified enough wanting to be normal, took me around the 8months to notice a difference, at the 2nd year pretty much a bottle neck of improvement, i still trip randomly with nouctral panic attacks but the frequency is much less now
  2. @Leo Gura take it easy, take care of yourself and well being for now
  3. thank you leo, you've helped me/us a lot you've gotten me out of my shell of victim mentality in the past made me explore the rabbit hole in various ways, while trying to self improve myself egoicly and spiritually i feel much more satisfied with life knowing what i know, thanks to you, without you it wouldn't have been the same as much as i feel stuck in a new phase, it's all good knowing it's all an illusion gives me that ease at times thank you for the making those videos for us all
  4. @flowboy He's alright, old arabian gen stage blue from the 1960s , he just criticizes a lot and can be very abusive without understanding that he is Will support financially or sort of mentally in his own way but has a lot of trouble communicating or understanding what i mean, he just thinks he's a know it all in anything. @everyone thanks for the replies appreciate it Pretty sure lack of an ideal outcome is what i'm feeling, i guess i'll just give myself sometime in a slow manner to figure it out overtime to be more optimal or at ease of feeling better well being, hope all is well eventually
  5. @Leo Gura I've taken your life purpose course years ago, It dawned on me eventually we're just cherry picking the passion part based on our knowledge graph Here's the thing with passion on my side, I've tried a lot of stuff Like let's say, I used to be into gaming back in the day, so i wanted to create a game, I tried coding i hated it, didn't like it so i felt no passion from it. I like watching some entertainment like let's say a movie/tv show or anime. Doesn't mean i want to act or draw either. I like listening to a random song that plays by, doesn't mean i'd like to sing either. I like eating a good meal, Doesn't mean like i want to cook for a living either. I find this dilemma of trying out things but i just don't like anything and i can't do one thing long term, I already know that drives me crazy. Maybe i could try being a hiking/trekking guide, That seems like i might be interested in that. I feel like i just want to be out in nature and do some easy going hotel to hotel hikes. Without too much effort. Even that i feel like i'd be burned out of it eventually. I can't see myself have value, I don't even feel satisfied whenever i achieve something in life, I don't know if it's just how my brain is wired or just a poor foundation within me. The only thing that gave me peace after 5meo is cuddling, as sad as it sounds. Even a cuddling job sounds like an exhausting routine lol.. I'm not trying to excuse myself as a victim here, But what i feel is i've gone way too extreme that, i am just going to the opposite extreme end of comfort right now and it's like a rebellion of not wanting to even balance it or even putting any more effort towards going to the right side towards action not even a little. (using the opposite end as relaxing and the other side as action) What would you recommend? I personally thought of trying some mdma to heal inner work, Keep in mind i do have chronic anxiety always present, But i'm not sure what it is GAD/PTSD/CPTSD, I read symptoms and they all resonate so it's abit confusing for me. I hate the idea of my memory being so bad now that i can't even improve, despite the effort i put in watching some positive content i go back and rewatch a vid and it feels like it's my first time watching it at times.. whether its the same day or a different day. I've never had memory issues before, I used to remember every single conversation in my life or text interaction. But now i just feel like a different person that i feel off, Like i'm aware it's just the hippocampus shrinking from having a burning brain with no sleep for weeks from all those panic attacks/long nights. Probably some cortex damage too, I feel quite impaired tbh. I do have times where i have difficulty making co-herent thought or speaking, in a proper stable manner, i miss out a lot of details unlike before. Trying to justify myself not to try anymore, i'm aware my ego is just being whiny, but i feel like it's valid from where i am, I really do not have the piece of health i once had, There is a big difference Thanks Edit: I think maybe traveling the world full time or monthly 1-2 weeks, making some travel videos would be nice, Although i'm not into videoing/editing could hire a camera man and an editor, Wow i'm so half assed. Edit: Oh yes i just remembered life is unfair, and i'm still looking from the lens that it is fair, when it isn't, I guess not everyone comes with a passion as a feature too, and i just seem to be one of those
  6. @Leo Gura been there done that, since i found you, it's been very life changing. I believe i found you at 2014-2015 was putting in enormous amounts of effort on self help content anywhere from 2-8hours a day at some points daily [cycled through all your youtube content downloaded as i took daily 4 hour walks, was up to date with your videos till 2019, still checking in weekly for any topic that i found interesting, went meta even, read the self help books. Started cleaning up my diet, Started fasting, working out, did wim hof nootropics etc (both good and bad practices, annoyed at nootropic approach tbh it did give me tinnitus/hyperacis plus the high volume from the eardrums on the long walk, the abuse of that with nootropics did something ;/) I enrolled in engineering because i wanted to be useful and helpful to the world like i wanted to create something that would make their lives easier, but i just lost the drive for that since it actually isn't for me in passion tbh, Was enrolled in a double major engineering program ( i changed to a business degree out after being so close to graduate like 7 subjects left, i just told myself screw this, no one gives a shit if i help them, since i've noticed bad behavior of people through out my courses, people would leech off projects, not even tell me thank you, some even would complain, that even continued later on even after my degree switch, i started losing faith in humanity, I'm done i do have a degree in intentional business, I choose that degree just so i can half ass life and not care much, but i'm idle atm living off some money i made from investments, but it's risky/ limited and no where near financial freedom ) I'm just overwhelmingly salty at life Not into self improvement anymore thats why i had so much relief following abraham hicks, i just went all in self help by an extreme amount of effort end of effort I think part of me is still stuck subconsciously because the idea that life is like, everyday is a vacation and i just cherry pick what to do in life and it's all good mentality is a cult following that stuck with me from following abraham hicks teachings I have never felt an insane high like that for days/weeks of feeling good and everything is working out for me in ease delusion. It's just amazing thinking life is a dream like that, I never felt it since the terror for 5meo, Tried to think like that but nope never felt good like that ever again positive emotions don't have such momentum anymore, The anxiety is just strong. I just dislike the idea of how i was really sincere with trying hard with whatever i knew as my knowledge graph even despite the risks of trying to do something great in my life. I just got results that aren't ideal. I know i'm not the person to give it my all and not be rewarded as people keep persevering through, But god damn it man i can't do this shit anymore, I don't want to preserve anymore, this shit sucks. I see an easy way out, I take it, Hence i'm toying with investments like a fortune kid right now, Who knows where i'll end up though. It could magically workout or not. Sort of have some slight hopium possibility there in desperation. Thank you for taking the time to reply here leo, appreciate it
  7. i do give and take but recently i've noticed no one really appreciates the over giving nature i have perhaps, and it does burns me out, it could be because i just don't know how to say no but i feel like i'm better off alone then overthinking about it
  8. @Razard86 1. What do you want from life? > i'd like to live in a clean state of mindnothing, i'm pretty much burned out of it I feel like i've experienced it all and their's nothing new i'd like to experience, i barely enjoy my days in a flow manner of being present compared to the past 2. Do you think you have a healthy perspective? I don't think so, i've been trying to be healthy positive for a while, it just doesn't work since i got burned out of so much effort of sincere trying hard and it didn't workout over the years, it's like i give up i don't care because no amount of effort will change it into another healthy perspective as it doesn't exist for me in my mind, is it a limited belief? i feel like it's pretty much biological from what i've witnessed 3. Have you noticed your entire life you always said "If I get THIS things will get better, or I will FINALLY BE HAPPY when I get THIS!! and for some reason that joy was short lived? That now you turned your sights to something else and thought the same thing? I think what i'd like to experience is just a care free dream, hence goal of a healthy body and financial freedom seems nice, i know it would be lonely but that's alright, i dislike people after being abused for so long, i just have trust issues so i don't want to bother connecting in a fake manner again 4. Have you noticed that RARELY anything ever worked out the way you THOUGHT IT WAS? Ever notice rarely any experience actually felt the way you THOUGHT it would? Yeah i'm aware we are all on the same suffering boat and i'm not any unique in my situation, if anything i'm more privileged when i compare myself to others at the opportunities i've had, yet i do have short comings on other things, i still have a lot left yet i feel like i'm too burned out to care about more at this point Thanks for the opportunity to take a ride with these thoughts
  9. I started having these thoughts of jumping from a high floor, I was at a hotel last year when it happened, I stared down, And my mind started making up a story of how nice it would be to just jump and end all this suffering that's been going on for a while. It seemed like the perfect solution as to my life, since my life is just a dream why should I care that much if everything's so illusionary with their illusionary consequence. So i attempted, but i freaked out went on bed (not sure if i was consciously stopping it or my subconscious mind freaked out about it ) and there it was mind won't stop racing thoughts about that incident, all night and morning, that it wouldn't stop until like 2 weeks have passed I've been having these episodes of it coming and going, Felt like it was getting stronger at times when i follow those thoughts. They'd like for days or weeks, My mind is calmer now but i easily fall under the trap of i should go for it since life feels so meaningless and i dislike a lot about it and i just can't seem to get it the way i want life to run for me. It feels like someday maybe i could really lose control and go over it, since it felt automatic at the time back then. I can kinda of understand how suicidal people are since i've never been in that state of mind before. I used to be able to say yeah i want to die and suicide since i was 13-14 but that thought would go away within a few seconds to a minute and won't really come up again until months or years passing by and i'd let go not thinking too much about it over the years, But this seems like another weird infiltrated virus that just won't stop leaving me alone pushing me to do it every time, even though i'm trying not to entertain it, it seems very believable as a good idea out of suffering. Even though i keep telling myself over and over it's not as bad as i exaggerate it to be, i still have a lot left, but it's hard to feel the past's well being due to my chronic anxiety. (there's like a pain/uneasiness worry that never goes away keeps cycling between my chest/heart/throat, i just loathe it that part the most with my health issues. (tinnitus/hyperacis/back/leg injury/kidney issues, not sure how to explain it but i have several 5meo side effects, my mind and body just doesn't feel the same feels weird/off and i can't be my past self as i used to be, i have a lot of memory issues which is making it hard for me to cope/learn from my experiences or speak in a proper manner without much brain fog) I really crave early financial freedom since i was so close to get it but i gambled it all away in crypto thinking i could reach UHNWI and i'm manipulating people/ market to make it work eventually. But that was just dumb i keep bringing up the past over and over from a lot of petty stuff with lots of overthinking. As for love i just realized egoic human love is always conditional over unconditional so i thought there could be some unbreakable unshakable bond with someone here for me, but apparently that doesn't exist either salty about wasting all my life for her only to get cheated on multiple times through out the years as i tried to forgive and let go just for it to keep repeating with no remorse. I can't grow feelings to anyone anymore after that experience, I just dislike people in general. Advice? Thank you for caring
  10. ( i do have some sort of autism/asperger on the spectrum) law of attraction / manifesting expecting the universe to spawn/yield experiences/crap out of my/your field of sight you based on my/your thinking ( i literally thought i could spawn people or opportunities or things out of thin air if they weren't in my sight) I've been deluded in this trap for years, it had serious consequences on my health, academic performance, relationships, money etc examples I kept over trusting the universe as me, giving me whatever i want/need at the moment, kept trusting people, would tell them anything i ask without censoring self as i thought of them as me and i would be given whatever i want back as i have my shields down and i let go and it's all good/alright. all is well Over trusted synchronicity making up a lot of meaning of them in my head that it's all working and good Whether it's a video or someone said, or time or hearing a story, i'd make some random story in my head as it's a sign even though it was obviously meaningless and it's all in my head I used to walk down the street thinking i am god and nothing could harm me, luckily i didnt get hit many times.. I used to think everything was meant to be, i didn't even study for my exams and used to attend uni without studying thinking i can pass them for a whole year, i failed all year, it was absolute madness and i used to delude myself i just had to think more positively and keep my vibration higher i am gaining momentum by this and it's not going to affect me I lost ridiculous amounts of inheritance wealth on gains that i kept gambling over and over in investing thinking i could manipulate the market to moon for me I kept trusting ponzi schemes as they came as i thought i lost money for this even better boat/moment that is coming to meet this person only to keep getting rugged over and over again I neglected my ex, thinking i could fix some situations or bad behavior from her side or mine by thinking more positive without communicating, i told her to love herself and manifest for us she broke up and has become even crazier than me uh.. I gained a lot of weight eating whatever i want and kept thinking i could just gain muscle by visualizing my self as fit and rip'd but yeah i lost my lean physique instead (gained aprox 35lbs) neglected my nutrition / health check ups, i kept thinking i could heal anything by my mind It slapped me over i just woke up recently, it's kinda sad but i've been asleep since 2018 with abraham hicks, took me 4 years of this lifestyle to wake up from that crazy delusion maybe i'm just dumb i guess, but yeah i'm pretty deluded as they come took me awhile to finally go back to actual logic practicality again with discipline Got C-PTSD from eyeballing my 5meo dmt while kept trusting people lost free will but kept getting abused over and over, even by my ex (seems like GAD/chronic anxiety at my chest/heart/throat there is this uneasyness that cycles between them and never goes away) Not to be a victim here but, i should've taken more responsibility over me, the fault is in me for that level of desperation of wanting life to be magical, poor sloppy thinking on my side part 1 and 2 of that video did help a lot from really staying away from loa in that kind of cult manner cringe
  11. Having strong values are sometimes over-rated Well i've been cheated on multiple times and still choose to stay, thinking "love" can heal It doesn't, It didn't stop even after years, I still love her and i have not been with anyone since. She was my first and last. Not worth it, I'm still unhappy and I can't seem to trust anymore. I'm forgotten about, But that's ok I guess i choose this experience. I think just don't harm anyone on purpose and be a good person that respects yourself and your surroundings, is more than enough
  12. redpill has some really nice stuff on their positives, but i don't agree with some of their negatives, just take the good points ignore the bad sometimes even the bad points that others see can be compatible with certain unique dynamics, but that's up to you what you want to cherry pick/decide from any type of ideology or rather you already have some traits of it before even reading up on the ideology, since there are various subsets i'm not advertising anyone to follow anything but do dig in some qualities like vulnerability/kindness/sharing/understanding etc are quite nice, not a fan of domination though read the 2 extreme ends of these on women for example, you will notice that each are biased, either they are too nice or too extreme, you kind of want a balance in a healthy manner to work for your relationship imo
  13. In the knowledge of the Atman, which is the dark night to the ignorant, the recollected mind is fully awake and aware. The ignorant are awake in their sense-life, which is darkness to the sage. Bhagavad Gita ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are dreaming that you are unenlightened. You are dreaming that you are awake. The question is: Why? The answer is: Why not? paradox is normal in the sleep state “The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remains as ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-realization. The realized do not see any contradiction in it.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "All paradox lies with the unawakened state. The awakened don’t have something that the unawakened are missing, it’s the other way around. The unawakened possess massive structures of false belief. They create and maintain these vast realms of past, present and future;" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The price of truth is everything. The price of truth is nothing. This is another way of stating the gateless gate paradox. From the unawakened side, the gate blocking one from enlightenment is enormous and impassable. Delusion fills one’s entire field of view because it resides prior to perception. Once delusion has been destroyed, we see that it never really existed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Die while you’re alive and be absolutely dead. Then do whatever you want: it’s all good. Bunan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The great path has no gates, thousands of roads enter it. When you pass through this gateless gate you walk the universe alone. Mumon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Because of an innocent misunderstanding you think that you are a human being in the relative world seeking the experience of oneness, but actually you are the One expressing itself as the experience of being a human being.” ? Adyashanti ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I ask you only to stop imagining that you were born, have parents, are a body, will die and so on. Just try, make a beginning – it is not as hard as you think. Nisargadatta Maharaj ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements. When all things are seen equally the timeless Self-essence is reached. No comparisons or analogies are possible in this causeless, relationless state. Sosan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There seem to be two kinds of searchers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish unfish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done, which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realising its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. Wei Wu Wei ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you're not amazed at how naive you were yesterday, You are standing still. If you're not terrified of the next step, You're eyes are closed. If you're standing still and your eyes are closed, Then you're dreaming that you're awake. A caged bird in a boundless sky. -Jed McKenna ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In all ten directions of the universe, there is only one truth. When we see clearly, the great teachings are the same. What can ever be lost? What can be attained? If we attain something, it was there from the beginning of time. If we lose something, it is hiding somewhere near us. Look: Th is ball in my pocket: can you see how priceless it is? ~Ryokan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Suffering just means you’re having a bad dream. Happiness means you’re having a good dream. Enlightenment means getting out of the dream altogether.” “The point is to wake up, not to earn a Ph.D. In waking up.” “It is your show. It is your universe. There is no one else here, just you, and nothing is being withheld from you. You are completely on your own. Everything is available for direct knowing. No one else has anything you need. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The bottom line remains the same: you’re either awake or you’re not.One day, there it is. Nothing. No more enemies, no more battles.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “I don’t have something you don’t; you believe something I don’t.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “It’s ego – the false self – that exalts the guru and declares the teaching sacred, but nothing is exalted or sacred, only true or not true.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Enlightenment is the unprogrammed state.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Wake up first. Wake up, and then you can double back and perhaps be of some use to others if you still have the urge. Wake up first, with pure and unapologetic selfishness, or you’re just another shipwreck victim floundering in the ocean and all the compassion in the world is of absolutely no use to the other victims floundering around you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “All fear is ultimately fear of no-self.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The one and only truth of any person lies like a black hole at their very core, and everything else – EVERYTHING else – is just the rubbish and debris that covers the hole. Of course, to someone who’s just going about their normal human existence undistracted by the larger questions, that rubbish and debris is everything that makes them who they are. But to someone who wants to get to the truth, who they are is what’s in the way. All fear is ultimately fear of this inner black hole, and nothing on this side of that hole is true. The process of achieving enlightenment is about the breaking through the blockage and stepping through the hole.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Maybe you think death is the opposite of life, or that all this death-awareness stuff translates into the end of happiness and good times, but this is not the case. Death isn't morbid, fear is morbid. Death doesn't oppose life, fear opposes life. To close your eyes to death is to close them to life: what could be more morbid than that? From your perspective, death and suicide are horrific and unthinkable. From my perspective, they are empowering and lifeaffirming. and I would look at any person that doesn't have an open, honest relationship with these subjects as themselves nine parts dead.”
  14. i've lost a lot of money believing in loa it seems somewhat dangerous in my experience, yet my mind makes up bias for it to be real since i got some of those unlikely coincidences maybe it is maybe it isn't who knows, but from what i'm observing it doesn't seem to be real since you can prove it to yourself if it really is