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About ElenaO

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  • Birthday May 29

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    Seattle, USA
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  1. I do understand now more the depth of suffering. I used to have such a shallow understanding of difficulties. I can symphathize more now with those that go through hard (and much harder than me!) times. I never actually contemplated how it is for them. I did kind of understand it's tough, but never actually did fully symphathize. And it can be much much harder than what we have. Yet the feelings I have are still valid. It's hard and it's exhausting.
  2. I am being pushed to the limits. I am exhausted both emotionally but more so physically. Fortunately Carl is back and he took Luke for a walk now. I realize that once I have a short break, I get a better perspective on things. The situation becomes manageable. Yesterday I had to call in my mom earlier because my arms were falling off. I actually felt it's dangerous to carry Luke, because I could just drop him. Also my mental state was dangerously pushed over the limits. I was feeling like a crazy person. So I texted her to come earlier. Luke is crying quite some. I don't know why. Even distraction doesn't help. You carry him around, you try to talk to him, he'd still cry. No idea why. The ped thought it may be constipation, but he pooped yesterday. And he did today, yet he's still crying. Maybe it's just a phase. I mean he's never been particularly happy, he's been pretty grumpy a lot of the time, but now it's a lot of crying besides the grumpiness.
  3. Man, it's tough. Luke has these days when he's crying at minor stuff. It's nerve-wrecking. He's asleep now, but it's been over an hour since I've been feeling this: I don't want to do this another day I know it's just the feelings that will pass, but seriously how many women feel like this? Is motherhood supposed to be tears almost every single day? Why no one told me that? Half of the day (or all of the day) I'm trying to fight exhaustion and muscle pain because I don't get enough sleep, another half I'd get these strong feelings of worry for Luke, or anger, frustration and impatience that I cannot do this anymore. Carl is gone to NY. In some ways it's actually easier in some ways harder. I just hope this gets better at some point so I don't feel like crying. Being a mom is so hard.
  4. Things are going up and down. Overall I must be grateful that things look much better than they used to be. MUCH better. We went with Carl and Luke to a cafe this mornings after Luke's first nap. It was nice. I haven't slept well at all, was very tired in the morning and very upset that Carl would not let me sleep in the early morning even though Luke was asleep. We keep having recurring arguments about lack of sex. Ugh. I had an omelette with goat cheese, bacon and toasts. I am still not sure if I should avoid dairy. I've restarted eating small things with milk, like milk chocolate and now this omelette. I don't know if it affects Luke. It does look like he spits up somewhat. But I cannot say for sure if it's the dairy. I am also worried about my chocolate consumption. I am worried it does make Luke restless, irritable, not able to sleep at nights. But I also know that chocolate is something that definitely improves my quality of life and mood. Nothing works as well. Luke was sweet today and not too fussy and didn't cry much except for the evening. Last night he woke up twice and I went to feed him. We've had quite a few good nights now with just one feeding, but something happened yesterday, he was crying the entire day and then the night went bad too.
  5. Went to see a primary doctor last Friday. See how are my hormones (proved to be OK) and also discuss the possibility of PPA medication. Haven't decided I will start now. Will wait and see. It was nice to get out of the house. Ballard looked so different - all springy with leaves on the trees. I feel restless. I probably need to cry and sob to release all of this.
  6. I have a pretty good day yet I feel like crying. I am so emotionally tired and worried. I am pretty sure I have post partum anxiety, it's not severe, but it does manifest. I am constantly watching Luke on the monitor and I am dreading him crying. It's so crazy. I so much want my life back where there wasn't too much to worry about, I had my freedom, I could work on myself. I guess babies also grow you in some ways - I definitely learn that I need to be more conscious of my feelings. It manifests in me being very annoyed with my mother and I scold at her. Even though she isn't doing anything terrible. She is herself not able to control her emotions but yet she's definitely calmer than me. Well, she's not a mother of an infant. Luke is babbling nowadays much more and he's super cute in those moments. But I don't think he can self-regulate himself just yet which results in him crying part of the day. And I don't know why - either overstimulation or tummy issues. Who knows. I wish I could ask him. We are learning sign language little by little. It's May 1st and it's warm here. I am constantly worried that it's too warm in Luke's room. So we will get a central AC at the end of May. It costs astronomical numbers - almost 17k.
  7. I am at my wits end. Again. Luke is fussy and cries quite a lot. I don't know why - either because he doesn't get enough sleep and is overtired (well he rubs his eyes often), or because something else's going on, like teething. I am myself at the end of my power. I will talk to my therapist and ask her if the feeling of worry and negativity is normal. I cannot sleep well and wake up constantly worried. I don't even think about things, I just have this deep worry inside of me. Also desperation - it feels like I just cannot do it anymore. I am going to see a physician too and discuss the possibility of some medication... I would have never considered it, but I am so sick of this. I am also exhausted physically and that doesn't add to the quality of life.
  8. We are back to really hard times. At the least it's for me. I am having dark thoughts at nights and barely sleeping (even when my baby's sleeping). Yesterday pushed me to the edge. We went to the tulip festival (that was a courageous idea), I woke up early and didn't nap at all. Lately Carl has been taking Luke so I could sleep for some time in the mornings. But I didn't catch any zz yesterday so it made the day extra hard. Then on the way to the festival Luke slept only 20 minutes! That's not nearly enough. Especially with these long wake windows we are having right now of 3-3.5 hours. So while walking in the fields Luke was somewhat cranky, but on the way back fell asleep again. But only for 26 minutes. So we had a crappy nap day and I had to give another nap later on which was 40 minutes instead. But now Luke's used to longer windows and I attempted to put him down at 6:20 and that was an epic fail. Just like it's been lately, with that transition to 2 naps. He cried for like 20 minutes from frustration.
  9. Luke has his first tooth coming out! It looks cute. I noticed he started biting me 2 days ago and I was teaching him to stop. He always makes this upset sad face when I say No. Also when anything upsetting to him happens: meeting a new person, coughing, sneezing, too loud voices. This boy is sensitive ?❤️ My mom came now. 30 minutes earlier. I am so annoyed that she doesn't read things attentively. On Friday she was late, today she's early. It makes me so annoyed! Partly because she generally annoys me - with all that inattentiveness, partly because I am generally a little irritated today.
  10. I am so thankful for today. It was one could say a perfect day. I can see how Luke influences my mood and wellbeing. He slept until 7AM!! With one waking around 3AM where he went back to sleep. And one feeding at 5:37 AM. That's it. He also had good naps (over 1h for each), except for the last one which one just 16 minutes! that's crazy!! It was day off for my mom so it was me and Carl who was taking care of Luke We went to a super cute park in Kenmore. I was feeling rested for the first time in such a long time!! Right now I am actually ready to crush to bed. And it's only 7:26. I was ready at 7PM already actually. We also had sex today. Carl wants to get another kid. I wrote in my blog and got more views from people on my posts thanks to comments I wrote on another person's blog.
  11. We still struggle with sleep. I wonder when will this end? I put Luke down early, because he's been cranky the entire day - not feeling good. He woke up after 40 minutes and wouldn't fall back asleep. I feel so bad... I am restarting to meditate slowly, and today in the evening I did 20 minutes. My concentration is really not great, but I got a few moments of mindfulness. I started crying at a point because of all that's been piling up for days and weeks. I feel so sad for Luke. I am crying as I am writing. This poor baby is sobbing and he cannot fall asleep. I don't know why it's so hard for him.
  12. Luke's still sick it seems. His legs are stiff, he doesn't want to bend them. He also arches his back a lot. Not sure why. He slept poorly, he couldn't fall asleep for an hour this night. I also slept poorly. I want this period to end as soon as possible. We do cheat in the mornings, meaning I hold Luke after feeding and we sleep together until 7AM. Only today it was until 6:30AM, because Luke woke up and wouldn't fall back. Oh man, it's tough. I want it to be evening already so I could go relax and read a book, and lie down. Mom came over, but it was a bad idea. I am all irritable.
  13. We drove to Lynnwood today with Carl for shopping. Took Luke with us. He was feeling so well until he didn't. I think it probably overwhelmed him, plus he was getting ready for bed. At the end it was a total meltdown, and on the drive back he was screaming like someone was cutting him alive! Carl got frustrated, he isn't used and is super annoyed by it. I am used to this. I just felt bad for Luke. In the end I put my pinkie into Luke's mouth instead of a pacifier, which we didn't take and he fell asleep. When we got home I stayed in the car with Luke for him to finish his nap. It was raining and it very cozy. I got 3 pair of shoes!! They are nice. It's not like I care that much, but still. I haven't had new things for a while. Plus it was nice to drive north after such a long period of no driving anywhere far.
  14. I hate it that Luke has to scream to fall asleep. It's so intense! I feel so bad for him He used to not cry at a point almost at all. Now we are back to what we had earlier. I thought we wouldn't have to deal with this again... But no.
  15. Luke is crying much more again at nights. He woke up today at 2:46AM and couldn't fall asleep and screamed intensely. I do realize I forgot how it is. I am definitely not comfortable with it. I went in to check on him and did a mistake by picking him up. It's not fair towards him to confuse him. He didn't fall asleep until 4AM. Woke up again at 5AM and then I went in to nurse him and stayed with him until 6:30AM in the morning. I hate that I am "cheating" with the whole program. He should be falling asleep on his own but I hate hearing him scream like that. I need to work on a plan how to wean him off one feeding too. I scheduled an appointment with the sleep consultant on that. For now I will just continue feeding not before 1AM and then second time around 4-6AM. I need to have reasons why I am doing it: - his diaper will be wet if I do it too early - I am confusing him and staying inconsistent, so more crying in the future - he isn't getting enough sleep because he's expecting me to come over I also want to discuss how to reduce the early morning wakings.