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About ElenaO

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    Seattle, USA
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  1. I've had just recently a very similar experience. I've got to know this guy who I've met only once but we've chatted for some time. I definitely like him, even though I don't know him well. I'm clearly attracted to him. And if something goes wrong in our conversation, e.g. he doesn't reply, etc. I get a very strong reaction. I'm actually surprised, because I haven't fallen for anyone in a while. This reaction is most definitely created by the ego. My ego doesn't like that I'm being rejected, not taken seriously. Also my ego decided at one point that this guy is the right guy, so it created attachment. I cannot say if your situation is the same, but what I experience is ego in its doings.
  2. I would totally attend in Seattle! And the idea of organizing a workshop is just amazing!
  3. It may be that you are overstressed, so high levels of cortisol don't let you fall asleep. Do you find yourself worrying during the day? I would recommend valerian root. It will calm your nervous system and help in falling asleep.
  4. I've been writing for two mornings now. I see this IS high up in my values. I get so much out of it. Got to remember to keep doing it. If I write even a little today, then it's a good day. Well, not necessarily a good one, but a sure better one than without it. I read at the moment Steven King's book "On Writing" when I wake up, really enjoy reading early in the morning. Then I get all this inspiration to write myself. Perfect early morning. Another thought: everything you do will have consequences. If the actions you do are based on rather poor values, you are bound to have respective consequences sooner or later, same goes for actions based on higher values. Got to remember this one too.
  5. Gotta do my writing in the morning, otherwise I will never be able to do it. Work takes too much energy and time. Even if I am doing it part time. I don't know how could I do anything earlier when I was working for 8 hours I also feel like I am forcing myself to do quite a few things: work (missing an actual intrinsic motivation to do it), workouts (negative motivation because of weight), mundane everyday things, etc. There's not enough things that I would do during the day that I actually enjoy. So writing must be in it! As well as reading!
  6. Oh man, I keep falling into the same traps. I have these two companies I'm working with and I keep repeating the same mistakes. Being overly agreeable, sacrificing. I'd better just stop and think what do I want and need exactly. It was great to divide the day in half: morning and early afternoon for work, rest of the afternoon and evening for the rest of things. Will keep working on keeping it. When you work longer and suffer longer (well, not exactly suffer, but work harder) you appreciate the rest afterwards that much more. Same goes for food. I am doing intermittent fasting nowadays and I've noticed that not eating till you are dying to eat is so much more rewarding. Sometimes I feel like eating just because it's time to eat reaps off all the joy. I mean you don't exactly appreciate it, if you don't suffer enough before getting it.
  7. Work makes me dull. So much thinking and concentration effort goes into it. I wonder if I should just try to complete my hours in the morning and forget all about work for the afternoon. Then I won't feel like there's still something hanging. It's also difficult to forget about work and get out of the "working" state even after you are done. I mean there's always more work to do. I wish I could just read books, write into my blog, walk, and travel. And maybe do some workouts. That's my definition of a wonderful life
  8. Sounds like a good trick. I will try it out next time. The situation I described was about physical death or some serious injury. I was afraid of that.
  9. Had a huge scare today. Won't got into details about it. Funny, but after it the only thing that scared me was all the discomfort I would have to deal with/all the consequences. I guess I didn't get so scared after all. I notice how much I resist some things, which aren't in the end so hard. But they overwhelm me when I think about them. This overwhelming feeling is quite a theme for me. I do work, I get overwhelmed. I face changes, I get overwhelmed. And it scares me more than it should. I do realize this now, but unconsciously I just try to avoid things if they seem overwhelming. I would rather suffer, than get overwhelmed by future. Gotta work on this one.
  10. Did around 7 hours of work today. The voice inside me is critical and negative, so I feel drained and unsatisfied after work. I am wondering how often do I encounter such days. I should start counting. If the number is high enough, I'd rather drop this work. Went for a walk and had a nasty fight with my boyfriend during it (argh, instead of enjoying it!). I feel super annoyed when he talks about his knowledge in IT. I know it's the ego talking. Because I (the ego) cannot let anyone be better. And he isn't, in fact. It's just that I have this crazy craving to point it out to him that he's actually not that good. I've a HUGE ego. I know of that, and it wouldn't let me relax.
  11. Passed the test today. Really happy about it. I came to a realization that I am not very attracted to working on my jobs (I have two currently, both remote, fortunately). I guess I am just missing the flow state for now. I still haven't found that zone where I am competent enough and know what I am doing. It will get there, I know. But it will take some time till it happens. I work much less nowadays than what I've used to. Only about 4 hours. That's definitely not enough to sustain myself financially, but then again I don't want to stress myself about it right now. I'll figure something out.
  12. Have been absent here for a quite some time. I've moved to the US, so there's plenty to be busy about. Going to a driving test tomorrow, since European driving license isn't accepted in the US Love the parks and nature that's here in Seattle. It's majestic! Have seen two (!) snakes already! Plus a family of raccoons , tons of bunnies, and even a baby deer. I mean, come on, where would you meet so many animals? Americans also loooove to have pets. I thought Finns are crazy about pets, but no, Americans win. It annoys me that there's no roads to walk here. And how are you supposed to relax then? There's a lot of choice (food/places/things to do), much more than in Finland. Will go to some guided hike this weekend Will see how it goes.
  13. Had a pretty frustrating day today. Or just a part of it. Didn't write anything for my blog today because had no ideas. And I don't to write just because I have to write every single day. I will be travelling tomorrow though and will have plenty of time to write a new post. Decided to focus on CSS instead, all those display&position things I've never looked into properly. Now is the time. I feel though that I am not super motivated to do it. It's like I am doing it just to do something, there's no drive. When I'm writing I'm in the flow, things just happen. Oh well, it may be I will get there with CSS things some day too. The challenge is perhaps there's no burning need to learn it. It's there and it's handy to know it, but how important is it to me?
  14. Hm, I can do that. But it won't make me any less tired, I think.
  15. Thanks a lot!