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About ElenaO

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  • Birthday May 29

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    Seattle, USA
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  1. Oh wow. Had a good day today, after a long period of so much resistance and frustration. Did my breathwork in the morning and felt terrible, so much sadness, frustration, feeling pity for myself, feelings of being stuck. Sobbed. Went to read to a park here in Seattle which was so relaxing. I love my new kindle, it's just so convenient. Went to get groceries later and had a long walk back home. Ate and just watched a video on making educational videos. Really good one. I am thinking of starting with video tutorials for programming. I did that many years ago but never really had time to do it consistently. Went back to read to the park in the evening. It was such a lovely and long day. Would love to have this more often. One thing that made me realize why I had this time: i post in my blog on the weekdays now, and my boyfriend was gone to see his family. Such a blessing to have time for myself.
  2. Had a few realizations today. Not sure how true they are, but yet: - I really want people to love me and accept me. I had a dream today where I am dating this good looking guy and he is really fond of me. I feel so good about it in the dream. - I could switch off my phone for the day and check it only at the end of the day - Being in the moment whenever I remember, instead of my head makes the experience of life better
  3. Feeling very emotional today: a lot of anger, frustration, hatred. I think it started after my breathwork session. I cried and now it continues. I feel like my life is just miserable. It does not look from the side, but on the other hand I feel like I am fighting for something all the time, constantly grinding, and just not being where I want. We booked a trip with my bf, going to Denver and I was checking prices for the car rental, and it's freaking annoyingly high. It's frustrating. It feels like what I am doing and that somehow my life isn't where I want it to be. I feel miserable...
  4. I am so exhausted. I started following a more conscious way of doing things and writing down what I do. More importantly planning for the day what I'll get done. I am behind my plan for most of the days. And I feel stressed and frustrated for the most of the day because I know there's still so much to get done. But I think that would make me achieve so much more. Often when we go with the flow, we achieve so much less than we could have. I just feel that I get lots of frustrating feelings that I'll need to process somehow, because most of the time I feel like not doing anything of it.
  5. I don't see a problem with going for a retreat if you really want to. I've been on a 10-day retreat, while meditating for years 20-30 minutes a day. It was HARD, and I hated every single day. But I had no ego backlash at all when I returned back. In fact, I started meditating for longer and realized quite a few things. It was highly productive and really made me grow. I was super super productive and had virtually no resistance for one month after I returned.
  6. I want to do a solo retreat in the near future too. I'll come up with a clear plan on what I should be doing during these days. Otherwise it can be wasted on just laying around and not doing anything significant, which is also fine, but probably not as powerful. Where will you go? I am feeling sort of stingy about money, because I'd have to rent a place around here and it's not cheap.
  7. Had a pretty strong release yesterday during my breathwork session. I felt like everything I am doing makes no sense and I am selling myself short - what I should be doing instead is travelling and developing myself. Right now I am mostly stuck in my routine at work, trying to keep everyone happy - my family, my work, my bf. I know it's my choice, I don't feel I am a victim. But it's also feels like I am not living my life fully. It may be I must do harder things than that. I also felt loneliness, which I rarely feel. I felt like it is just me alone fighting with all that. Which is true, of course. But I just felt a little sad for myself.
  8. I will start doing virtual Vipassana in July every Saturday, except this Saturday. I am going to spend the weekend with my bf. First time together sleeping under the same roof. Vipassana retreats even at home are tough! So much anger and unhappiness comes up. It's so tough. But it develops the patience muscle and makes you more bad ass. Suddenly things that you did not feel like doing become easy. So it's like a gym against your laziness. I attended the webinar on breathwork and what we can do to go deeper. I liked the visualizations offered by the teacher: imagining that each breath moves your further into the ocean, when you are lying on a surfboard.
  9. Haha, I get it. I feel often that he's literally my older brother. Which is crazy and I think my mind comes up with these crazy ideas. But I do think there's definitely things that we have to be careful about. So I've been trying to be watch less of the videos and do it with breaks, because I do notice I tend to just take the advice as the absolute truth, which it isn't.
  10. You have a lot of interesting stuff here. I share the experience with trusting Leo's content too much and not listening too much from the others. Though I've recently started doing more of Shinzen Young's programs. I definitely think we need to diversify, it's just that I resonate so much with Leo's content and a lot of times it sounds so true to me. But then again this may be because I've been following him for so long and growing at the same time with his content. Keep up the great work! You are inspirational.
  11. I had a day off today and we went to the beach with C. It was cool, even though I feel a conflict in me. I feel I need to get done a lot of shit ( even though I don't really want, because a lot of it is boring), but here I am at the beach, just chilling. I feel that if I'd be more assertive about it, it would hurt his feelings. I think with time that's definitely something I'll want. Have a lot of my own time and get shit done. He knows about this partly. I'm going to meet him on Saturday next, maybe I should tell him that we get to spend until 9pm and then we go ways.
  12. Today was a struggle. I have to shorten the date times, because the overwhelming emotions stop me from sleeping. I did manage to write a post on my blog though and even meditate for 1.5 hours. Did a few videos on Flask too and even had some energy to assemble the drawers that I got a few days ago. But honestly, it's surviving rather than thriving. On the other hand makes me look at things in a more sober manner.
  13. Saw my beau today. We went to the beach, which was crowded. I really like him and I hope this works out. I just wish there was a list of things you could have beforehand to be prepared of how to deal with. Or maybe I'm just too anxious of this to work, because I am sick of wasting my time with changing boyfriends. Feels good now. Really hope it stays. I'll see what I can do.
  14. I could not sleep well last night as usual. Too many emotions stirred up, too many hormones. I wish there was a simple solution to this. I felt tired and quite lazy today. Went for a walk and had wonderful time surprisingly. When you don't walk alone too often it becomes this precious time when you are present. Because it's rare you value and enjoy it. I used to walk every single day and that was good, but I am not sure I enjoyed it equally. On my walk I realized a few things: 1. I am an achiever addict, I need that dopamine to feel good. If I don't get shit done during the day I feel crappy about myself. 2. My mind constructs all kind of shit to make me feel good. Like yesterday I was watching this whole relationship thing through some rosy eyes. Today it hit me that there are a few things that may go wrong and I don't know how I was so high and naive. Will see how it ends up in the end.