ElenaO

Still tired from a lack of sleep. Irritable. It's pretty bad. I sometimes am not as patient as I should be with kids. Sam is also lacking sleep. Apparently so does Luke. He woke up at 3am and could not fall back asleep. I wonder if there's a trend here that I haven't noticed? We went with Sammy to the library after his nap because I could not get out the whole morning and early afternoon. I nap for 30 min when Sam goes to sleep and then eat and shower. He woke up too early for me to get time to have a walk. So I felt very strong desire to get out and so we did. He liked it there, it's about our third time there walking around with support, cruising. He played with some toys they have there available for children. It's neat you can go there when it rains. It was rain on and off the entire day.

I continue have this antihedonic mood. So I try to supplement by having treats. Not a good idea... Makes me feel even worse afterwards. Sammy is so amazingly cute. I just cannot relate it- the way he looks, the way he acts. Such a cutie pie Luke is smart. He comes up with all kind of conclusions on his own (and maybe from something he heard from his dad?). I have done bath with him 2 days in a row and he's been a sweetie.

Today I felt better. For one, I slept more this time, although Sam did wake me up at 4 am. This time Luke was asleep thankfully. I also had chocolate, and that almost certainly lifts my mood. I also had some time to read in the afternoon while Sammy was asleep. I'm reading a book by Gary Chapman about marriage. It's very Christian oriented, but I just skip those sections that are about reading bible together etc. Luke has meltdowns and it annoys the heck of me. And he feels it. I know I should not show this but it's hard because it's HARD. He would just cry out of nothing (not to him, clearly).

Sometimes I get days when I don't have any motivation or enthusiasm, nothing to look forward to. On those days you question yourself why are you doing all of this? I think it's partly related to hormones, lack of sleep, not enough positive stimulation. Sometimes life gets very repetitive and it becomes dull, or so it feels. Being a stay at home mom judging as a job cannot be quantified. When you work, your work is paid in salary. When you study you get grades which quantify your effort. When you're a mom you cannot really tell anything of how well or not well you're doing. And so it is for your husband, he won't be able to quantify either. It's much easier to show how much money you bring and that you work 8h a day versus somehow showing off that you're raising a child.

I wonder how much does Sam understand and how far he is from Luke in understanding language? He seems very intelligent: he points at things and tells me somethings in his own way, he tries to communicate if he wants something, he also turns his head up or at me at times (probably wanting some affirmations and praise from me). He really is like a little human being now. I think he really wants to walk, and he's just a millimeter away from this. He walks with push walkers (we have a small kid chair and he uses this at home), he walks with support and can also stand by himself for a few seconds, especially if he doesn't notice it. We went with Luke to another Sam's birthday (a child from Luke's preschool). It was fun, because I wasn't trying to be nice all the time. I enjoyed it. They had Pagliacci pizza and cupcakes. Luke had 3 small slices of cheese pizza and a big cupcake. He was so uninhibited today and had lots of fun playing with others. His friends are Jia, Asher, Wes, Rafa. It's new to me, because he was different before. You can see he's grown. He's also literally grown in height, he's taller than a lot of kids in his class.

Sam fell asleep on the way back home today from the cafe. I met my mom there to celebrate mom's day. I was pretty upset, and haven't acted always gentle towards him when trying to wake him up. I feel sadness and regret about this. He's been feeling tired and irritated the entire morning. I also have been rude a couple of times because of this - I'm myself a wreck recently, it reminds me of sleep-deprived early days. I'll go to sleep at 9:15pm at the latest today. Again, it all comes down to awareness. Noting the feeling of irritation and holding back on reacting. I feel sadness about not being always kind. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong with Sam's sleep. He just wakes up very early and it's a chronic issue. I had a fight with Carl too. I do not know how to put into practice the book about marriage I'm currently reading. Which just proves that books sometimes do not always easily apply to real life.

I teared up today when seeing Luke's photos just a little over a year ago. He still looked baby-ish. How much has he changed! But not just that - I feel like our relationship has changed forever. I cannot devote as much time to him, I lose connection with him a lot of the time and a lot of times actions are so rushed and automatic - it's about getting things done, not about enjoyment and spending time together. There's rarely every moments of content when it's both kids together, it's way overly stressful. Hope it changes as they grow. I do really feel bad for Luke and for myself - I miss those moments.

I feel bad for Luke because I understand that I'm clearly not as fascinated and in love with him as with Sammy. I bet he feels it. That's why he reacts this way with Sammy. Sometimes, I lose connection with him - especially, when I'm tired. I do realize and am scared that he's not my favorite. I don't want to have a favorite - I want to have an equal relationship with them both. I do also understand how personality can influence the way people will like you. Sammy is highly lovable and a very charming kid. Luke on the other hand is more reserved in his expression (except for language, here he's very strong!), he's not dancing, he's not singing most of the time, he does not want to meet new people, he doesn't smile to new or even sometimes to known people. Sammy is much more open in this sense. Not fully open, but more than Luke and therefore he's liked more. He's also way cuter at this moment, because he's a baby.

Today was a hectic morning - Luke is off preschool, Sammy slept badly. He woke up at 2 am and woke me up. Then was awake again at 5:20 am and did not go to sleep until 11:15 am. It was rough. I'm thankful not all days are like that. I want to say that many times me (and perhaps most moms) are so automatic that we forget our babies are human beings. The reason we are so automatic is not because of a good life - if you're rested and feeling good you're going to be way more emphatic towards your kids. It's hard to remember for the most day that babies have feelings, needs and wants. And they completely depend on you, a lot of desires and needs have to be delivered by you. And sometimes their feelings also have to be regulated by you. But if you're a wreck yourself, how do you provide this? Poorly. I wish I had more help that would be help I want. Or I wish they would be a little be more independent at this stage.

I did not mention the positives of it. Baby's silky skin, warmth, hugs and their lack of judgement of you (if you smell, did not take shower, do not dress well, etc.). Of course a huge one is how they expand your limits of what you thought you can do. Also I never thought how humans develop and I don't remember much from my own childhood, so this allows me firsthand to see how a human becomes this incredible creature.

I was thinking what is motherhood today. It's prioritizing your children's needs and forgetting about most of your wants. It's also a lot of patience. it's being OK with a routine life (at least when they're small?). It's living a little in a fog sometimes, and sometimes being very overwhelmed. But always tired.

Wanted to document what Sammy can do at this point, that I don't remember with Luke (may be he did it, may be not). He dances if hearing music (using hips, upper trunk and sometimes shakes his head :D). He can put together a pyramid. Sam also understands order, where what belongs. He would try to put things into their place (like rocks that he noticed where in specific place, if we move them, he'd put them, same with toys and pieces of puzzle, for example). He learned 2 days ago that you need to throw a ball into the hoop. he observed it from Luke. And how he all the time wants to put that specific ball into the hoop. He cannot stand without support yet, so he pulls to stand with the ball and tries to fit it into the hoop from down the hoop, as he cannot reach the top.

Oh, it's been a month since last message. Sam is 13 months today. He's cruising well, and can stand without support for a second. We met with Stella and Gagik yesterday. Their kid appears way bigger, but cannot walk well yet. She's 17 months. They're doing well, but with ups and downs, Alice broke her leg recently... It was a relief seeing them, because we've gone 10 months without - we've been sick and overwhelmed all this time. Both of them work and the kids go to daycare. She says it isn't bad when they aren't sick. We can travel to some distances now, Sammy does not mind it seems. Luke is sick again with fever.

I find myself so overwhelmed at times. It's never been like this. It happened since Sammy was born. Sometimes there's anxiety and it's hard to concentrate on other things except for the to do list. It's hard to be a parent. In these times I'm thinking back on au pairs (though realizing that's it's just wishful thinking, they're another challenge). I wish this was a little bit slower pace.

I didn't go for blood draw today, decided we're going to do it when we go for the next visit to neurologist, which I still need to schedule. Luke was throwing up yesterday, it was a nightmare. It was a hard day today too, he's home and he's pretty aggressive. I understand him, but I'm already tired like a dog, and on top of that I have to deal with this. I am trying to control myself, because yesterday I screamed multiple times when Luke was doing something wrong, hitting Sam. It's not easy, sometimes I'm so desperate.