ElenaO

Regarding the ultrasound on Nov 20. Everything looks good except for one kidney which is situated lower than it should, it's called pelvic kidney. From my understanding this won't affect the pregnancy but may have consequences for child's health later when he's born. Will need to see specialists. They also scheduled a follow up ultrasound to see if baby has fluid blockage because of the issue. Hoping for good news.

We are 2 months and 3 weeks in. Life slowly starts to become easier. We are trying to track the 90 minute intervals to have Luke fall asleep at the end of it. He's done pretty well yesterday, missing only 2 periods. Last night he slept for 8 entire hours! I feel guilty, because I think he did want food at 3:30AM but I just thought it's too early and fell back asleep. I was back up at 4:30 and woke him up. He didn't seem too hungry and I had to wake him now and again to feed. He's growing. It's so funny how you can see the change with babies. Adults don't change drastically within weeks and months. He's extremely cute when he's babbling and talking and smiling. He has this very cute half smile. Sometimes he's really excited. It's become more of a thing recently. Perhaps 10 days ago did he start to be THIS cute. Looking back since he was born this has been the most challenging time of my life and I would dread to redo this. On the other hand, this is how first experiences are often. I am a first time mother and wasn't prepared a iota for this challenge. This is an almost 24 hour job, except for the periods when the baby sleeps. But even then you are worried if he's making sounds, whether he's awake, hungry or what's going on really. My mom has come today to help. It's so hard for me to be respectful. I feel like she's doing things too slowly and not the way I want so I get annoyed and tell her everything I think.

We had a nice little Thanksgiving in our own family. Had turkey, broccoli, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie (fully Paleo, I baked it myself). Carl did buy cool whip though, so there was a little bit of sugar to it. Ate around 11:45 before Luke's nap because later it would have been to hard. I usually try to eat heavy food before 3-4 pm. Once Luke woke up we drove to Discovery park and walked around the beach. It was sunny but windy! Lots of people there too. Everyone's pretty tired though, I had to stay up late yesterday to bake that pie, Carl didn't sleep well, Luke didn't sleep enough. Hope we all recover over the weekend.

Luke's sick. Again. I got worried today because he's been sleeping the whole day. And didn't want to do anything at all, I could get him to drink twice throughout the day, and then Carl got some Gatorade for him, so he drank that in the evening. I also got worried because he didn't react to ibuprofen, the fever didn't go down. He's rarely if ever in this state. It happened just once before when he had the stomach bug. Carl installed chandelier in the living room, it's kind of nice but I thought it would be even nicer. Maybe we still need to tweak the light bulbs. Luke started putting multiple words together and sometimes he says even sentences. I'm not sure if he composes them himself or just repeats what we say. I feel baby's kicks too. Which is very reassuring. I have anatomy ultrasound on Nov 20th and that would tell us more about the baby, how well developed he is.

I've been robbed today on my walk... It feels horrible. Fortunately I was alone without Luke. Two young guys got out of a car and one of them showed me his gun and said give me the purse. I first didn't understand what he wants and then seeing the gun I got it. I gave him all. It feels horrible because I'm afraid how can I protect Luke in such situations. It's a "safe" neighborhood I thought. I also think Carl doesn't take this seriously enough and doesn't spend enough time talking to me about it. I should tell him that.

It was a challenging day. I'm already too tired since the weekend was more intense as Carl was away. Luke was fell in the morning and hurt his lip (and possibly something else in the mouth) and he cried on and off the whole morning. We did not go out at all which almost never happens. It was tough. I hap to show a lot of patience. Now in the evening I had 2 small gushes of water coming out and it was scary! Now of course I am worried whether this means miscarriage, early labor or something else. ooooh. I feel despair and upset. I am already not in a great state, but this makes me feel very upset: if another miscarriage happens I just want to die.

We came back from the class with Luke. We take a coop class called mindful Mondays. The teacher is nice, the kids not so much so. I feel somewhat tired now and should go rest because I need it, but don't feel like. These classes unsettle me and I cannot relax easily. Today was surprisingly easy. Maybe because kids weren't as aggressive (Luke is pretty timid in those situations, when someone takes his toys). Also I just took it easier and tried not to stress too much. Now I feel also a bit restless because I feel guilty that I'm not doing the right things. I am eating grapes instead of going to go rest or do something more useful, like practice leetcode. I generally feel out of place because I don't do a lot of meaningful

Luke had a meltdown today before bed at night. He cried that he wants socks and doesn't want socks. It went on for like 15-20 minutes. At some point I felt so desperate to leave and just give up on everything. It was tough. It's the end of the day, Carl is away, he went to Spokane. In the end it doesn't matter that much that he's gone, I think I've just been feeling low lately in general and feeling like I want to survive and run away from things. I just want to be and not do anything for anyone. I felt guilt that I couldn't stay there completely with him. I also felt so sad for him, because he was sobbing and he probably feels very strong emotions and I am of no help. In the end he went to sleep around 8:30 pm, which is super late for him. He's usually in bed by 8:10-8:20 at the latest. I started wondering what did I do wrong today that may have triggered this. Yes, I talked to my mom while with him, when they came back from the walk. So I didn't pay all the attention to him. I also know that he was tired. I also forced him to do a quick sink bath, he did not want to, really resisted it, but his feet were dusty from the walk. So I felt it was necessary but of course I hate forcing him. It sucks. I generally feel just not great about myself for some time now. I cannot do anything related to my technical knowledge, because I don't have enough time. I also feel guilty about this. I go on walks to relax and do not sit down at the computer solving leetcode.

I'm feeling depressed at times. All I do is so trivial, routine and very far from anything termed even related to "thriving". I don't think I've actually thriven truly, except for very difficult times when I put myself into very limiting and pressuring situations. But back then I've thriven in terms of efficiency and growth, not in terms of feeling good or happy, content. I think to thrive you need to develop a plan which forces you to perform. On the other hand, it all depends on how you define thrive and in which domain. You also usually just have this feeling that you're moving in the right direction and you feel uplifted. I'm missing this right now. Probably mostly because of pregnancy and mostly because of getting into a rut.

The period from 10th week onwards has been the worst so far. I did feel slightly better today and thought maybe things are looking up for me in terms of feeling shitty all the time. It could be, I am 11 weeks one day. We got test results today for MaterniT test, which tests for most common chromosomal disorders and identifies the gender. According to tests, the baby doesn't have any of the tested disorders (over 99% precision) and it is... another boy I have an ultrasound in a week, so that I could see how things are more precisely. I am not sure everything's fine. How would I know? Last time I had miscarriage without any symptoms...

Still dealing with nausea, but perhaps my progesterone levels are starting to normalize, as I am not as sleepy as I used to be. Not sure if it's good or not in terms of how the baby's doing. We had a couple over (Ying, Raya, Han) and Simar on Saturday. I stressed so much to make it look good, and it took the worst out of me by the end of the day. We had a fight with my husband. I feel like such events, unless you are very experienced, do take a toll. On the other hand, there are positives that come with it. I'm going for another blood test on Wed the 13th to find out the gender. We hope everything goes well until then.

I went for an ultrasound last Wednesday and they found normal heart beat! This is great. On the other hand, I’m feeling shitty like I haven’t before (except for other pregnancies which were long enough). Constant nausea and tiredness. I need to nap 2-3 times a day just to manage. I’m not feeling good. I feel like I’m just trying to run away from all this and the days are also least productive. I eat plenty of fruits which is almost binging. Do not like that but when I feel nauseous I need something in my mouth that’ll make me feel good. And things I ate before are out of menu- too sick to even think about them. Which means no more chocolate bars (great, because those aren’t low calorie). honestly I feel like other women have it easier. Maybe because their hcg levels and other hormone levels are lower? I’m going in for another checkup on Monday so will see how things are going. I’m wishing for a good outcome.

I'm pregnant. This is the abs the last time we are trying. Doing the hcg level tests as well, will go for the second one on Monday. I'm fatigued every day. It comes and goes, but I also nap twice a day. I feel like I'm becoming so undisciplined and losing control. Part of it is that I'm having it comfortable right now in some regards: no work. I do feel like I am losing touch to survival. I also feel bad that I do not practice algorithms almost at all, since I am spending all my free time napping. Luke is also tired all the time. Is this because of nightmares? Is it something else? He's too young to tell me what's going on.

Today I asked what I am wearing in the photograph ( I wasn't pointing at anything). He said hat. He also recognizes himself in pictures, as well as me and his grandmas. And he understands these too: again (he says it if he wants something again! ), more (that's been for a while), that, this, here, etc. He does not understand colors yet.

Luke's growing. You can ask him questions now and he'll reply. At 22 months! Insane. I asked him the other day where he went with Dada, he said Phinney! I was amazed. Yesterday I asked what he saw at Phinney and he said bag (a bag hanging on the tree), and neighhh! (there was a toy fox or sort of horse Carl told me). Then I also asked about hot tub (his favorite nowadays). He said there are bubbles (that one I am not surprised about because he talks about it all the time). And he said fish. Carl explained that there was some sort of a whale toy in there. But that happened weeks ago! And he still remembers

Wanted to add a few cute things about Luke. He started taking toys to bed. And sometimes it ends up being like 7 toys. I have to secretly go in at nights and get them out of bed, because I think there's too much clutter in his bed otherwise. Usually he is very particular at what he wants. Tonight after offering many toys, he wasn't satisfied (this is a usual thing). I went back in into the room, because he was crying when I left. I asked him what he wants. He said: mak, then maks. I didn't get it, so I left. Then after I few minutes it hit me, MASK. There was spider man head (mask, as we call it) in the bathroom. So he wanted that. Another cute thing. Now when he wants me to pick him up to show him something where he doesn't reach, he takes things out of my hands, e.g. his cup, and puts it on the table. Then he comes to me and pulls his hands towards me, showing that he wants to be picked up. The funny part here is that he clears my hands, knowingly that they will be occupied with him He's so cute. Really.

I feel resentment again towards Carl. (I got to research on how to let go resentment, because otherwise it will just outpour into something ugly. Maybe journaling?). All he did today was taking care of himself. And I guess I understand that it's OK sometimes. But it's been like that for a while. He mostly does what he wants. I am not saying he isn't with Luke. He still does his job as a father. I am missing connection, our walks with talks. Lately we haven't done any of that. And I don't know why he doesn't want any. It makes me feel like now I need to start finding friends with whom to talk instead of talking to him. But wouldn't this create an even larger gap in our relationship. I went ahead and called my old friend Ezio today on the walk around Green Lake. It's nice to have a friend you can talk to at almost any time.

I've been to Poland. It's wonderful. And it my opinion way more affordable than a lot of other countries in Europe. I guess things just piled up. And I just generally have resentment that is lingering from a lot of things. Including things that are unrelated to my husband. Right now for example I am struggling with asserting myself at the playgrounds. It's really bugging me. I cannot sleep sometimes because I keep thinking about it. We talked about the needs a little a few days after. Of course, it's a process and we need to come back to this topic.

We had a huge fight with Carl. I feel like in some way this relationship is so shallow. We don't know each other, we don't know and don't listen to what we need and want. It feels awful right now.

Sorry! I don't check this often Nope, hotels aren't cheaper. And also there isn't much available at all. I'm not sure where you live, but what are the prices over there?

We are back from Coupeville. Went for a night. I feel like one night and one day (we are ~ 24 h away from home) is the right amount to be away from home. Even this creates enough trouble with tiredness for us: Luke's tired, because of short naps in the car, Carl and me are tired because of not sleeping well. Coupeville was nice, though. Worth visiting. We saw a lot of deer, which are walking around the place like it's the woods. We went to Ebey's Landing (impressive, the wall hanging above the Puget Sound), and today went to Fort Casey's State Park. The latter was also nice, because of the lighthouse and the views of the Puget and the mountains. You can also see the Landing from here. I think I overate on snacks in the morning, so felt unenthusiastic and guilty in the afternoon. It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well. Bellingham a month ago was easier in some regards, but harder in other. Luke cried some when going to sleep at night, but not nearly as much as in Bellingham. The nap on the way home was also longer (1.5h), so that's progress! We got a burger for lunch in Coupeville (which was rare , I didn't realize I need to tell them to cook it to well-done) and it was meant for Luke. Instead Luke mostly ate the cheese and onions, plus pickles (! surprise!). Then we had a sandwich with roastbeef and swiss (I liked it a lot and so did Luke!), and a yogurt. Luke also had purees and a banana. We stayed at an airbnb which after all the fees + taxes costed 345 dollars. (Insane, I know). But these are the prices everywhere, and even last year on our trips this wasn't any different. The airbnb was OK, 2 rooms, Luke slept in the living, me upstairs, Carl downstairs. The beds were too small for both of us to sleep in one.

Carl is back. Luke hasn't had tantrums for 2 days, which is nice! We went to Pocket Park both these 2 days and I enjoyed it actually. Especially yesterday's outing. I spoke to a mom who has a 2.5 year old. She gave me lots of interesting info and just seemed to be down to earth. (This isn't often the case with the people I meet. I think I am also sensitive to how people communicate to me, because of previous traumas?). I would have liked to have her as a friend. We haven't exchanged info but I hope I can meet her again and we could be friends. Her son though wasn't too nice. But I guess you cannot expect much from 2.5 years olds. Luke is more submissive (at least right now) when these boys start taking his space. I felt bad for him and for myself that I couldn't do anything about it. It hurt. I think it's related to the wounds I have from past experiences.

Carl left to New York today for a work trip. I'll be on my own until Friday evening. My Mom's helping though, 2.5 h-3h a day. Luke started having tantrums nearly daily. 2 nights ago he had also a hysteria when I put him to bed for the night. He couldn't fall asleep. It was horrific. He would scream when I leave (it reminds me very much of the sleep training days. Man, that was tough...). He would calm down when I come back but would restart when I leave. He clearly couldn't fall asleep, even though he tried. I felt so bad for him Even now thinking about it makes me want to cry. This lasted for about 40-50 minutes. I was stressed out, he was stressed out. Man, some days are definitely still tough. He does speak a lot more now. He knows a lot. Sometimes I am surprised how can he remember all these words. Also his speaking and pronunciation is very cute. Even him saying no is extremely cute. Because he also has a childish voice. I am fond of him so much. And I love him deeply.

Luke had a major breakdown today. I think it was a tantrum of like 20-25 minutes. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. I read months before that you just let it run its course. I think he has a sleep debt, probably from the travel and also from not sleeping enough at nights for the last few nights, as it's been hot and then it becomes too cold for him (all my guesses). After having the tantrum he finally calmed himself (all by himself!) down by lying down on the floor in the living room next to his toys, and sucked his thumb. I think he was trying to fall asleep, but not sure. I set down next to him and first didn't touch him as I was afraid it would restart the whole thing again. After a few minutes I just massaged his back. I tried to take him to his bed later but he started crying again and didn't want to stay in bed. So we went to our bedroom and he laid down on me for a few minutes. And then everything was sort of fine again. It was strange. We went downstairs to eat breakfast and then went for a short outing in our yard.

Thank you