Judy2

stupid question but i thought i'll hear what you guys might have to say on this. my neighbour asked to go on a date with me in April, to which i said i'm not open to it but we can be friends. we went for a few walks after that and in August he bought a keyboard for himself and also let me play, knowing that i'm having a difficult time. a few weeks after that he confronted me again, asking if i'm sure about friendzoning him (he literally said it like that) and i explained that i'm currently not in a good place and not ready to be with anyone. less than two weeks after that he informed me that he'd been having "company" and i shouldn't come over to his place, but he offered that i could borrow the keyboard and store it at my place given that he's not really using it. i declined that offer but met him again in the hallway today and he said the offer still stands. now i wonder if it's justified that i'm hesitant about accepting. on the other hand, it might be good for my mental health to have an instrument to play, as stupid as that sounds. but i don't wanna be a bitch and i don't wanna take advantage or anything, and also don't wanna owe. is my reluctance to say yes justified or should i be a bit selfish and accept?

i really like Jimmy Carr, but he's quite brutal wih his jokes.

maybe you can try to find a tutor from a higher grade?

@mmKay i'll check it out, thank you:)

the negative feelings were very much in the room and i could sense them when i was around my family, on holiday, etc. i remember worrying a lot about my parents getting a divorce, although they never actually did. there was a lot of fighting that i witnessed and it was concerning to me but i never told them about how it made me feel.

where did the toxic shame come from?

i have always compared myself a lot to other girls my age. wanting to be better than them by being thinner. wanting to be fragile and vulnerable. when i was underweight i could always see it very clearly and thought it was beautiful. also a lot of perfectionism. telling myself i can only eat again when everything is better/safer/perfect. i'm genuinely not sure if there is anything sexual about it for me. the thought of being raped doesn't arouse me, at least not that i know of. when i say i want to be raped that's more abstract and it has very little to do with the act itself and more with the events that might happen around and after the fact? like actually wanting the experience of feeling myself in my body in a dissociated state, completely traumatised, going to the police station or hospital while being a complete mess, etc. like a state of emergency, maybe. and people helping me.

this is the first time i hear someone say it actually worked for them:) tasting honey while asleep is a cool idea. i experimented a bit some years ago and only got to the vibrational stage but never past it (starting in a waking state). then i've had a few experiences just before waking up in the morning. they were weird dream-like states but might qualify as out-of-body experiences, i'm not sure. usually these take place in my room and i think i already got up, then realise my body's still in bed. supposedly electricity doesn't really work in the astral realm....do you know if this is a reliable clue? i've had times when i checked my phone and it had died, or i couldn't see anything, tried to find the light switch and it was deformed....does this ring any bells for you, or is it completely unrelated to OBEs?:)

@Schizophonia i don't know why i became anorexic. i guess there were many factors involved. it got better when i moved away from home. lots of stress and anxiety, yes. lots of guilt, too. i apologise a lot. intense guilt was also a thing while i was dealing with my eating disorder. maybe having a miscarriage (or something of that sort) would be a permission slip to feel extemely guilty and miserable, and just bathe in the misery and sadness. maybe grief is the only way i can feel love, so i find myself craving loss..although i wouldn't know why, i never really lost anyone during childhood. i know it'd feel horrible to have a miscarriage/stillbirth and yet i find myself almost hoping i'll have to experience this one day. if i do, i'll remember how many times i said this and i'll feel like i made it happen, like it's my fault. but i also see something valuable and loving in such an incredibly painful experience. the other part where i want to get hurt by someone is probably also to get rid of guilt, although i know it won't actually work and i'd still feel extremely guilty if something like that happened to me. i might have cptsd but i can't think of anything traumatic that happened during childhood. i almost wish i had something to blame this on, because so far all of my mental health issues seem to be caused by me being insanely stubborn and that's about it.

Hey there:) it's been a while since i've made a post, but i'm back with a question. might delete again later but for now i am curious if there are any educated opinions and/or perhaps even reports from people who have experienced (and overcome) this. lately, i've been trying to ask myself what i want in order to find out the things that could help me feel better. however, every time i do this, my mind feels drawn to any situations where i'd feel weak, powerless, or in pain. drama. i could just wish for all the good things but i find myself deeply drawn to hoping i'll experience bad things. not accidents that would permanently cripple or mutilate me or make me ugly, but for example being raped, having a miscarriage or a panic attack.... like drama where i'd still look pretty, but i'd experience intensely negative emotions and states of mind. this pattern is familiar and also manifests in various self-harming behaviours, but i mean if i had a choice i'd have company and i wouldn't have to do these things to myself. i wonder if this can ever be overcome because the, let's call it desire, to find myself in harmful situations is pretty strong. i don't know what it is but there's something so appealing and promising about this. i have a history of anorexia and while i've overcome the eating disorder side of things, the psychology has stayed pretty much the same even at a healthy weight. wanting to be fragile, vulnerable, weak, visibly ill and broken, in pain, ....hoping to be taken seriously or saved or taken care of. apart from the obvious (therapy and so on), is there anything you can recommend to address this specific issue?

the "good news" is that everybody feels that way, to some extent.

@Yimpa(:

yes of course, and ultimately those are the changes that may end up having the biggest impact all i said is if it's something you're struggling with, sometimes it can be helpful to get things moving by focussing on the things that feel more manageable. especially if you're struggling with depression. sorry if that's bad advice.

i think i can relate a lot the idea of "healing" and "health" is associated with a lot of guilt for me as well it's hypocritical of me to say this since i resist it a lot myself, but...the only place where peace can be found is underneath those feelings of sadness, guilt, and regret keep looking♡ ....or i guess stop looking so hard and let it be

you'll probably make the best progress with your life purpose when you aren't all too anxious about it:) although of course that's easier said than done.