Judy2

had a nice time at the gym this morning. i finished off my strength session with 20 minutes of running, starting at 8km/h and working my way up to 10km/h for the last minute. surprisingly enjoyable and it left me feeling good. then i was in the sauna for a few minutes before having a shower. ... running seems to be good for me and i should turn it into a routine to do at least 10 minutes at the end of every session.

the horse therapy was weird. it took me some time to get warm with the instructor's extroversion and confidence. then i was supposed to do some abstract arts with stuff on the ground and lead the horse through these representations of my different states of mind. this didn't really resonate with me and i found it quite cringe. i also didn't get to sit on the horse (sad), but i did get to pet it (a lot - best part!). he was a very handsome Spanish stallion:) and i took off my gloves to feel how warm he was. probably won't be doing the horse therapy again, but i could try regular horse riding, after all.

@UnbornTao yes you're right

doing a bit better. sometimes there's just nothing i can do except wait, it seems. anyway, atm i'm really enjoying listening to music and playing the piano, cycling/going to the gym, and cooking and baking for my family. and i guess it's better for me to try and be productive throughout the day. tomorrow i'll try horse riding therapy for the first time. it's quite expensive, so i'm not sure if i'll do this in the long term, but i'd like to try at least one session. ...my mum talked me into it, because her special needs students get this covered by the state and seem to like it....and i wanted to try riding horses again anyway, just to see what it's like. ...last summer when i had my regressive episode, i dreamed of being a little girl again, having lots of hobbies like riding horses and living life with no responsibilities because i'm too sick to handle them, so i can only do simple stuff. i guess it's not quite what i fantasised now, but it's something. probably gonna be way too cold and uncomfortable, but maybe there'll be some nice moments, too.

yeah i wanted to add that i don't really believe it would work, and that feeling the emotions may escalate things even further.

it's so weird but i get this combination of depression and agoraphobia (nothing new really, i've had this for years on and off and feel it again now). not in the clinical sense, but i basically don't want to go outside or go anywhere because i'd feel myself being alive (which i generally want, but sometimes i don't). when i remain stationary, it's easier to pretend i'm not actually here, to dream myself away... but then i get started thinking too much about all the things that aren't good enough about me, and maybe i never will be good enough, or happy, let alone okay. i don't feel safe. i don't. feel. safe. i don't feel safe! i'm ugly. i'm not enough. no one loves me. i'm so alone. and so lost.

thank u i get where the advice is coming from and it's generally not a bad idea i'm a little scared i'll lose it and never feel better

...not feeling great

i feel scared, and alone. which is so weird because when i'm around family, i count down the days to be alone again, to have my peace...cause i can't even feel myself enough to feel alone around them. and then when i'm finally on my own, soon enough it's the silence, the emotion that becomes so unbearable. everything's grey - quiet. maybe too quiet. i don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

*** okay, i also feel scared, insecure, lost....bored today. i am calm, but something inside me continues to be fearful, worried, hypervigilant. i don't trust; i sense danger. i feel insecure, don't know what to do, struggle with decisions (what to do throughout the day, and beyond that). i am lost, i don't see the way, there's no clarity. someone please tell me what to do, what's right, where to go, what i need to do to be safe and good enough. i'm scared. i feel judged, and i judge myself for the fact that i've been an adult for 5 years now, pursued a degree and everything, and still don't know what to do with myself, what's next, whether to keep studying or find a job, what job.... people judge me, too, and i come across as stupid and delusional and childish and immature when i humiliate myself stuttering "it's all very vague atm" and "my plans aren't that concrete yet". i feel so stupid. so ugly. So lost. i feel sad and scared. i was good at school. i should have had this (life) figured out by now. (yet no one takes into account the degrees of mental illness i've been struggling with throughout the years that have been significantly slowing down my progress in life) ...i feel SO stupid. ...crying in bed now. i wish i could go downstairs and show all the feels to my brother and have him comfort me. can't remember ever doing this though, that's not what we do in this family - which i regret...but idk if i can show up crying and expect him to deal with that. he's been so nice to me today, that's good enough.

@Salvijus(:

happy new year everyone ♡ i didn't do anything spectacular on new year's eve, to be honest, and i feel a bit like a grandma these days with the way i don't party and like my sleeping hours to be consistent. i simply spent the evening alone, relaxed, and went through my values and goals for 2026. this morning, i went cycling (until it got too cold), tidied up a bit, and then i prepared lunch for my brother and i. he wasn't that hungry (still hungover and full from the party food yesterday) but still said it tasted good and thanked me for cooking - i don't know why, but that's such a compliment coming from him♡ the parents are away and somehow it's easier for me to share a meal with him than with either mum or dad - maybe because we generally have less disagreements, so it feels safer. anyway, i appreciate that he spends time with me and feel a lot of love for him. yesterday, we also watched some tv together before he left to see his friends, and i don't care about the tv but i care so much that he's willing to spend time with me. i also wanted to note briefly that i went to the gym again yesterday morning (after a bit of a break due to the holidays and everything) and really enjoyed myself. my gym routine is definitely something i want to keep up this year, as it helps so much with structure as well as my mental and physical health - it provides equilibrium. anyway.....that's it with the update and i wish you all a wonderful new year. "2026" feels nice. i'll try my best to make it a good one.

i feel bored, but i can't do anything productive or meaningful because i'm not safe. not with dad in the house. i can't stay here.

challenged myself to go out with a friend and her family to a local café/bar where we could play some board games. it was fun and we had a good time. toward the end, they asked what i'm gonna do next (career-wise) and where i'm gonna go. i feel a little stressed out now, but am also considering that i am safe, i'm alive now, nothing's wrong, i have all the time in the world to figure out what's next and none of it can hurt me, because i'm always already here and i'll be okay....something like that. it's hard to see it, but i try to believe it. trust. ...lean back. relax. trust in God, in Life, in the Universe and that things will work out for me. see that i'm safe to embrace whatever is going on for me, and able to open up to the perspective of how divine it all is, even the pain and the drama. i'm lucky to be alive, lucky to feel. i want to feel all my messy "situations", feel them through entirely, (i'm scared, i'm hurting)....and....idk, feel the mess and see how Good it is that it exists? and i wouldn't want it to be any other way, i wouldn't want it to be easier. (i'm scared, i'm hurting.)

@Joseph Maynor i've completed the values section in the course and watched all the videos in this section, but struggle to implement it. maybe because i don't trust myself or sth. @Bjorn K Holmstrom sounds quite reasonable:)