Judy2

i think it's not okay when men on here call women sluts and mean it. but maybe i only say that it's not okay because i fail to empathise with the male perspective, or whatever. i get that you like your girls virtuous and "pure", but perhaps we could empathise with the reasons for why some women end up behaving the way they behave before declaring them to be lost causes or universally unlovable. i had a similar feeling when i saw Leo repeatedly use the expression "shame on..." in his recent posts. maybe if i was more loving and conscious, i wouldn't even feel the need to point this out. however where i'm at i feel that my frustration should be expressed somehow. it is a valid reaction and i am sharing it from a place of positive vulnerability. i am not demanding change or anything of that sort, but am merely acknowledging "what is". but then i can't deny that it's also valid to think and feel that some women are sluts, i guess. it isn't that different from me being unable to stop calling myself ugly and evil. so the point is, it's all okay, it's okay that everybody's at where they're at, and right now i feel frustration?

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sometimes it's only when i'm calm that i start to realise how exhausted and tired i am and then i don't know where it's coming from, but i can't help thinking wouldn't it be best if i left? wouldn't that be beautiful? maybe someone would cry for me. and that's selfish, but i still get this thought from time to time. i just thought i'd express this somehow. god i'm such a mess.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CYl1YBSAdxP/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

it's horrible when i start talking now, or when i start sobbing. i used to like the idea, but now i hate it. it feels like i'm just gonna ruin it all with all the ugliness i have inside of me. "keep your loving arms and words off of me i don't want them."

@Something Funny yeah, thanks. i'll figure it out somehow. it's just annoying when things aren't working the way they're supposed to work. i always have bad luck with my tablets and printers and everything.

@Something Funny it's a microsoft tablet and the keyboard can be attached to it at the bottom. i'll see if a friend can come over and fix it for me...

@Something Funny my tablet doesn't have a usb port...

..... i feel a little helpless because even though i was so lucky as to get my books back, my keyboard isn't working now (again). i have no idea how to fix this and the deadline is on friday. so right now i know i should be productive, but i can't do anything other than to pray for a miracle. i guess. and ask people for help. but i owe everyone a lot at this point and it makes me uncomfortable.

i said that i'd mostly keep my gratitude practice to myself, but right now i feel inspired to leave this here. i love my friends. i love how genuinely caring they are and that i also get to see how i genuinely care about them♡ sometimes they require me to put my personal troubles aside just so that i can be there to see and love them. and i guess in a way it surprises me that i am even capable of this. * - M was so kind as to pick up two books from the library for me (that i had to hide in there earlier today cause the nice lady at the reception wouldn't let me borrow them again right after returning them lol.) and i really do appreciate the favour. - i love how every time i see a child or a toddler, i smile, softly. also, i'm very grateful that in the past few days my body and self image has (occasionally) been more positive. there are a number of factors contributing to this, one of which is probably the simple fact that i switched my huge winter coat for a lighter jacket, such that my whole look feels more defined again. i love my hair. the 2 plaits are back and they feel very cute to me. feels like a right and cute 'me' that i can be, effortlessly so. and i also love wearing my hair down.

thank you:) i saw your post the other day where you suggested we can take a little note book and design it in a way that represents ourselves and serves as a positive reminder. i thought it was a lovely idea. i know:) i hope you two have a great day!

@Something Funny to be honest i don't feel like picking this apart right now. i think on some level it makes a lot of sense to be scared of Love. you're scared of Love, too:) and that's a very valid perspective/energy form that i was expressing with the words that i deemed fit to express this. i'll move on to other perspectives when i'm ready. don't push me:) when you push me, i'll run.

i feel agitated. also, we all know what to do when we have a paper deadine in five days.... deep clean the shower.