Judy2

okay, nevermind.... a triggering situation today has been that a new friend of mine told me about her ed-history. i just nodded and didn't say or ask much, tbh. i'm hesitant to tell people about my own story. i also feel kind of threatened by not being the only 'special' one. not the only one with scars on my arms and legs (not her, but tons of other people i see every day), not the only one who was good at starving herself. now i'm still thinking about that situation and it gives me a bad feeling. that's what tends to happen whenever i meet someone who is or has been a little too similar to the way that i am or have been...super triggering. in general, i guess being ill vs healthy is still a major trigger topic for me these days. i'm almost happy when i remember things that are still 'sick' about me...want to hold onto them. i love the look of my scars, don't want to let go of the last pieces, hope for a meltdown, maybe a nice little psychotic break, whatever. i still crave a little bit of attention, being taken care of. being pitied, perhaps. i try so hard to take better care of myself nowadays, push myself when i can feel my mindset getting in the way... but i still wish for my weakness to have its place, too....to be seen and recognised and appreciated. anyway, on the topic of vulnerable narcissism: this has been suggested as a potential diagnosis by a therapist at the clinic i was at last summer, in part because of its comorbidity with bpd. at the time, her bringing this up resulted in a major crisis for me, but the more i think about the core problems i have these days, the more i recognise myself in this concept. the bar i set for myself is impossibly high (has been since i was three years old and started living in fantasy land) and this expectation usually clashes with how horrible i think i am in this dirty, ugly, gruesome reality. it's tough to find my way between these two extremes. i guess the ego is very salient for us, in a way. it's the centre and focus of our existence...so of course we're all gonna be a little narcissistic, especially when trying to make sense of a chaotic world, especially when battling trauma. but then it's also true that my personality is, comparatively speaking, a little twisted in just how extremely i polarise between this idealistic extreme of how good i could be vs how in reality i always fail to live up to that. i mean, it's sweet that i want to be good. i don't just want to own or do good things, i want to Be good as a Self - which is only natural, existentially speaking. it's kind of smart, to want the Self to be good, of all things. the self as the locus of existence itself.... but yes, seeing through the dichotomous thinking i've been engaging in so willingly over the years has been helpful. to notice it while i'm doing it and start making sense of my mental structures and the way i keep trying to construct an alternate reality to compare myself to. the label of vulnerable narcissism itself is grounding, in a way, cause it anchors me to what's real...if that makes sense. it's part of the real world and helps me understand that my fantasy world is probably a major trauma response - to what trauma, i don't know, but i've been dreaming since i was three.

sometimes i still catch myself waiting for something either really good or really bad to happen. this reminds me that i've been wanting to discuss the topic of vulnerable narcissism in here. i don't really have the time right now, but maybe in August i'll delve into it and share my thoughts.

it's only been just over three months in this town, but it feels like a long time has gone by and i can definitely tell things have shifted a lot for me. it was hard in the beginning because i expected myself to adapt immediately, but now i can tell i'm already oddly familiar around here, i know a lot of people - probably more than i knew in the town i'd lived in the past five and a half years prior - and in general, i'm doing well. yes, i feel occasional frustration. i woke up feeling bad today. i experience moments of stress and discomfort and, as always, monumental mood swings. however, i can also tell that my baseline happiness has risen a lot? so i thought i'd quickly break this down and list some of the 'explanations' here: studying psychology: when i started going to university to get my first degree (British Studies), i could not go in person because of Covid for three semesters. things are different around here, i have a lot of appointments every week that provide valuable structure, being required to study provides structure, and the programme also forges strong social bonds because i spend a lot of time with people who have to go through the same processes (lectures, seminars, exams etc.). it also helps that psychology is an explicit topic. though the amount of material i have to study can be daunting, it's also genuinely interesting and fascinating. i'm pretty sure at this point i could spontaneously recite over a hundred psychological studies right off the bat if someone asked me to. work: i am tutoring students in English and French. not only has this felt very fulfilling as an activity, but the feedback i receive from both students and their parents is overwhelmingly positive and always makes me feel good:) they seem to think of me as a very kind woman and it's helpful to know that i can be perceived that way. exercise: in the past three months, i've worked my way up to being able to run 10 km in one go and i'll tackle my 13 km obstacle run this weekend. i enjoy the mental effects most of all: it feels nice knowing i am able to do this. it builds self-trust. in general, i am interacting more with the world, with people and my environment. i am keeping busy, but also trying to enjoy the process. i have been going for evening walks through the fields almost every evening, which is one of my highlights and always makes me feel at least a tiny bit better. this evening, a random jogger that was passing by abruptly turned to me and said "your energy's beautiful...but you're probably too young for me." i thanked him, walked on, smiled, and had to take a minute to shake off the adrenaline. it's always amusing to me how easily i am flattered by just a handful of words. in general, my mind's so fascinating to me. not really anything new, but sometimes i just admire the thoughts passing through my head....they're humorous, maybe a little cheeky.

now i know how i'll trick my future kids into eating more vegetables. "you've had this before and you loved it!"

again, i'm almost happy today:)

i spontaneously communicated my sadness to a friend, which felt foreign, but it was helpful and i think it was the right (albeit counterintuitive, unfamiliar) thing to do. before, i'd assumed i had to keep all this to myself, and it felt good to be proven wrong, be met with understanding and be shown that i am allowed to share this♡ i am allowed to talk about having survived some things. i am allowed to show my emotions and express that it's still a struggle now. i feel softer being present with myself and being open enough to show and express my emotions. if anything, my sadness feels kind of "cute", and i want to be seen with it. i do want it to be heard. that's all. ♡

things feel very intense around here and there's a lot going on. i'm doing good for the most part, but i can tell there's A LOT working inside me - negative and positive. which is good, i think?, but still. there are a million thoughts in my head, but two things i'd like to share: yesterday on my evening walk, i had a random thought pop up again. it was more of a daydream, the kind i've had in the days and weeks prior, too, and probably going years and decades back, as well. essentially, i was thinking happy thoughts about things i would like to happen, and then suddenly my brain drifted toward catastrophising, but not in a fearful, "oh god, that would be so horrible..."- kind of way....it felt so oddly satisfying to think about experiencing some death in the family or something like that. drama. tragedy. some reason to have a meltdown, a panic attack, a mental crisis. somehow i find that appealing, after all this time. find myself craving that, even when i'm well. ...idk, it's just such an odd pattern that it had me thinking for a while. the other thing i wanted to mention is that i recently remembered something that i had forgotten for a while. it was about what it felt like in my anorexic, critically underweight body....and a very particular feeling or impression linked to the memory of my veins popping through the skin on my arms because they were so tiny, and sometimes when i was cold, i'd run hot water over my wrists to warm me up. i felt so paper-thin and like everything could seep right through me, the warmth would permeate me within seconds....it was very intense when i was there, in that body (i liked that, it was interesting to experience such physical extremes), and i'd forgotten this particular sensation. remembering it after all this time is also intense and confusing. i bet i was also confused, dazed, overwhelmed beyond words when i was "in it". that was the thrill of it to be exact. to come home from my long walk, exhausted, and body-check in the mirror, take pictires of myself, and write in my journal about the way my body felt, and how good and special that was. how HIGH i was. in general, i feel a whole lot of ambivalence these days. i feel about this topic very strongly. my brain says people probably think i should shut up about this at some point, and it's been years, but still, some very formative years so central to my identity were spent thinking that anorexia was all i was and all i'd ever want to be. i don't even know how to put all of that into words, but i guess it's a relief to be able to express that this has been on my mind a lot lately, and it's been making me feel deep thoughts and feelings. it's still such a struggle to know who i am outside of anorexia, even though being underweight was an experience confined to my teenage years for the most part, despite the physical extremes i lived through. nobody would think i feel this way, but i still feel sad. i don't think i'm sad that i was anorexic, i kind of loved it....but i feel sad seeing how hard it is to know myself without it, to have a whole "healthy" life ahead of me. no one would think this would make me sad, but it does. and it makes it harder that this is such a silent struggle now that i look healthy and no one would think i've ever been close to starving to death. it's such a challenge to try and have good self-worth and feel content when i've known something as profound, intense, deep, low, high, perfect and special as anorexia. i feel like no matter what i do as a healthy self, i'll never live up to having survived something as deep and beautiful as that. this feels vulnerable, but i'm glad to express this. my head thinks that people will think this is so unimportant, and i think it's very important. ♡

that seems so far away again. i am not happy. there is so much sensory overload with all the public transport i have to use almost every day, and i still hear so many noises in my flat, which shouldn't be that way, but it's messing with my sleep and generally making me feel so anxious. i also keep seeing those Instagram posts by my former classmate's younger sister. she's a year younger and got all those modelling contracts. i feel so behind in life, IT'S NOT ENOUGH, I'M NOT ENOUGH, aaaaah.... i hate myself.

or maybe i did have bad therapists as a minor...therapists that thought it was their job to convince me of their beliefs rather than be a neutral party to help me process and acknowledge everything going on in my own system. if anything, there was probably a lot of gaslighting on their part when i was in hospital; a lot of blaming, too. none of them ever stopped to ask "why do you NEED anorexia?". none of them ever cared to look at our family dynamics or tell my parents that they weren't so innocent, either....it was all just to be blamed on me and my symptoms....and no one cared to ask why i needed my ed. they were all so keen on treating symptoms and never cared about how i felt. no one understood or cared about the fact that they could send me back home and OF COURSE i would relapse in that environment, because what choice did i have, as a sixteen-year-old trapped in a dysfunctional family?.... or in short, no, not all therapists have thought about their patients' povs and inner conflicts in depth.

while i'm at it, i may as well share a little anecdote that i was reminded of during the seminar before i forget it again. when i was an inpatient (15 years old), at one point i didn't want any dairy on my meal plan and the treatment team got upset about it. my assigned therapist thought it was a good idea to tell me a story about cows and make me touch milk with my fingers (which she later drank?) in the spirit of "exposure therapy". ....it's a funny story because this therapist clearly got her methods mixed up and that was so obviously not the right approach when she was dealing with someone who's got an ed, not a phobia or anything, and besides that, my wanting to avoid milk was more about veganism at the time.

last weekend, i had a block seminar (the best one yet?) that was quite an experience. the instructor was really nice, we talked about therapeutic practices (without the pressure of needing to write homework or exams on it, which made it so much more fun and interesting) and also did some therapy role plays (very difficult, not nearly as easy as you would think it is). i almost felt happy that day, to be honest. we were in a different part of town i had never been to before, where the university hospital is, and i really liked the aesthetic of the buildings, the little garden space and fountain, the sunny weather. it was a huge, scary shift for me to suddenly start talking DBT (eds, bpd) from a therapist's perspective when last year around the same time, i was a DBT patient myself and struggling through the depths of it. it's crazy to realise that therapy is, in fact, not random, that therapists seem to have considered at least some of the conflicts patients are in beforehand (it always felt far from that whenever therapy was forced upon me or even when i tried to make it work for myself....). although i guess as a patient, there is also a deep (unconscious) sense of comfort and pride in "not being understood", as painful as it is? ...

i don't think i've ever been this busy in my life. it's stressful at times, but at this point i'm rolling with it and decided that maybe the energy can help carry me forward and be okay with all the things going on simultaneously these days. summer break will be a shock for me....i'll feel so bored and lost when missing the luxury of the very, very neat containment my schedule forces me into atm. i try to prioritise going on walks or cycling in between everything, and this morning on my walk, i almost thought i was happy. which is paradoxical, during such a busy, stressful phase. but maybe that's exactly what i needed?

(video in German) i've been learning more about developmental attachment trauma and it's been a very helpful perspective to make sense of people's behaviour and suffering - maybe other people's even more so than my own. the above is just one piece of the puzzle for me, and all in all everything still seems very confusing since i can identify antagonistic strands in my psyche (undereating and emotional eating; anxious (=clingy) and avoidant attachment,...), but understanding some of this helps me feel more hopeful. i like that Gopal touches on the fact that 'treatment contracts' ("you have to gain x amount in 1 week", "you have to eat 10 cashew nuts and one apple this afternoon", "you may only go to the clinic school once you have reached 40kg",....) are so backwards with anorexic patients...which is something i've had to experience myself. practitioners (and my parents) never wanted to understand how these contracts only made things so much worse for me. the past few videos about specific ed-symptoms and how to communicate urges had me thinking that maybe i could also resolve SH-urges by communicating them more clearly - but idk how to find a socially acceptable way to go about that. anyway, like i said, overall this is making me feel more hopeful that i may be able to resolve some issues in my life moving forward, and also interact with others by seeing through their patterns. i ordered the book and will read it after my exams in July. this perspective also has me considering for the first time that developing secure attachment would be a valid goal? normally, i am quite identified with being ill and it's more about "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm clingy or avoidant?", "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm underweight, or would it be okay to be ill and just have panic attacks instead?", "i miss my dissociative episodes" (still do, though), "i don't think i can't quite let go of SH yet, i like it a little too much whenever i look at my left forearm and think about how this would be obvious to certain groups of people who interact with me".... considering this new lens, i am also still a little bit ashamed of this journal's title. i remember that when choosing it, it felt like i was doing a good thing by giving myself permission associating my name with such a "whole", beautiful concept. oh well. can't change it any more, so i'll keep it for now.

thank you for sharing:)

oh, i see. how is it now? do you think you could willingly replicate the experience?