Judy2

drove our car to the animal sanctuary and back saw pregnant goats, the cutest baby pigs ever!!!, meerkats, monkeys (also very cute), camels, lamas,... was out in physical space, outdoors, in nature [positive...but also mixed feelings on that...*] looking forward to seeing my brother on Saturday and hiking in the Swiss mountains:) [*it still feels odd, "being allowed" to go outdoors and move around through physical space. it wasn't just depression that kept me from doing that, it was also (and still is) a lot of fear and this sense that i'm not allowed to exist or be alive. and i still feel, often, that i am not fully allowed to be in physical space, move around freely...that still feels kind of forbidden even now. existence. cause it means that i am actually here, i actually exist and this is real, i'm here, in this scary, big world...and what is this scary, big world anyway, that i can just move through it, walk through space...seemingly never-ending space...it still feels so strange to me, still scary. ... but then, i already exist anyway, and won't be a better person for it if i spend my life miserable, indoors, complaining about the fact that i exist while feeling that i'm not allowed, and yet i can never quite get rid of myself...that won't do much for my self-worth either. so there's this transitory period now where i just gotta push myself a bit and just take it, take the life that i already got anyway...it's mine already. even though it still feels a little off, if not completely uncomfortable...ugh...stressful. being alive can also feel super uncomfortable because now i am EXTREMELY vulnerable, being fully here instead of dissociating and dwindling away. ouch. being alive is nice, but it also is so fucking vulnerable. so i totally get why part of me has wanted to avoid this for so long, probably still wants to on some level!....i feel a bit of pain, it feels painful to live, it feels WRONG] [it's a bit like a lose-lose, or like this dilemma, the grass is always greener on the other side...neither of these two options is really good. if i avoid life, i avoid the joy that comes with it - avoid all prospects to experience good things, but i also stay safe from all the bad stuff. and if i live, like i do now, which is new...i get to experience good things, freedom...but HELL am i VULNERABLE to all the bad stuff as well. and i think someone like me is probably extra-sensitive to all the "bad stuff", so there's that....i feel pain even just thinking or writing about it.]

expressing frustration/acknowledging some negative feelings: i don't like how noisy dad can be i don't like his clutter i don't like his loud voice i don't like that he's talking too much and that he sometimes stands too close to me i don't like how sometimes he gets too close to me and thinks it appropriate to tell me whether to wear socks or not, or whether the temperature requires me to wear a jacket. i don't like that sometimes he goes "yes, yes" in response to serious emotional topics of mine, which is perceived as dismissive and invalidating on my end. i don't like that he said something about the weekend where he "presumes me to participate" in another hike with him and my brother...cause that just makes me feel pressured and like he's taking away my choice, and he isn't even aware that this is the exact point why i explicitly brought it up again to tell him i still need to reflect on whether it's right for me...and he just countered that with "yeah i think it will be right for you" - i find this very upsetting, because he is insensitive to the emotional point i was trying to make in that moment. it's not actually about whether i come along or not, but the fact that he thinks he has a say in that - when he doesn't and it's up to me and i want to feel relaxed and know that i am free to decide what is right for me. ...makes me feel really pressured to see that he doesn't quite get this.

gratitudes today: today i am feeling a tiny, tiny bit more in tune with myself than yesterday i consciously planned on having a break and made an effort to meditate (and then nap lol) this afternoon i really enjoyed my hot shower at the gym earlier today i enjoyed running at the gym this evening, dad and i are going to drive to a kind of animal sanctuary and i hope that walking and being around animals is going to help me relax

English literature yes

...still not relaxed lol. i briefly considered making a new thread to ask about this. ...really not sure how to resolve this...i think i've already asked about it at least twice before. stress management sounds like such a simple issue to tackle. i wonder why it's not and why it's so complex and difficult to handle in my experience. it can't be that hard, it sounds like such a basic problem to have...

@Schizophonia it's like an undergraduate degree. master's would be postgraduate.

i'm probably putting in an unnecessary amount of time and energy in the most inefficient way possible, and still not getting half as far as someone with a more relaxed attitude would. not saying this to you in particular@Schizophonia it's only something i just realised

@Schizophonia no i'm not doing a PhD lol. it's just my bachelor's thesis...not as big a deal as i make it sound.

10 things i am grateful for this evening/in this moment/this hour: my window is open and the cool night air feels good i finished going through all my sticky notes in The Woman in White today (probably hundreds) i can see that i am trying to be good to myself i found a little postcard with a kitten on it to look at i really love my pink coat i love the picture above my desk: my brother and me...he's wearing his cowboy boots and a grey shirt, and i'm leaning against him in a cute black skirt, and my hair is really long and pretty, falling in soft waves. i am grateful that i have a safe, comfortable bed to sleep in at night i am grateful that my father tries to support me - i can see that he is trying i am grateful that i have two appointments with therapists coming up...so maybe if i am lucky, one of them will be a good fit and keep working with me. i am grateful for the existence of my friends. it feels good to have friends and to know that they'll be there, no matter what. i love my friends. 11: i really enjoyed the hot shower i took this evening, and i took it deliberately because i knew it would be an act of self-care. 12: i like the sensation when i hold my cheek against my shoulder and feel my own soft, warm skin 13: i like my toned muscles and that i can feel that i have been working out 14: i am glad that i went cycling this afternoon...it was a good idea and it's something i should do more often, because it makes me feel happy and alive. 15: maybe dad and i can come up with a plan for tomorrow night, as to have something nice to look forward to. going to the cinema or something, perhaps. maybe that will help me relax. 16: i enjoy being aware of different colours in my environment; taking some time to scan the weird physical-mind-space around me and to see what's going on in this bubble that i'm "trapped" in 17: i re-polished my nails and the deep, dark red feels nice 18: i am looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow morning. i am hoping to enjoy my workout. 19: i am hoping to receive a positive reply from my professor, and to get a little bit more time for my thesis, so that i can keep prioritising my emotional well-being, too. 20: i'll have nutritious food tomorrow that will leave me feeling satiated and well-nourished 21: i am hoping to re-discover a random song that i heard earlier today that i forgot the lyrics of

...i'm feeling stupid again. it feels odd and stupid that mental illness, trying to be mentally healthy, is taking on such a central role for me in life. not sure what else life should consist in, if not a journey towards mastering the self - but regardless, it feels stupid. i feel stupid for struggling; i feel ugly. perhaps there'd be a prettier, more profound way to struggle, still? cause it's always this beautiful struggle, but i'm the ugly, unworthy character right in the middle of it. i'm ugly, i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm not good enough. everything is wrong with me. everything is going wrong, everything is off balance.

i still feel stressed and like something is wrong with me and i'm not good enough and everything is wrong. it's difficult not to buy into it...it's such old programming. i'm guessing i'm also very anxious that i might just wake up in a week or two and hate myself for having tried to be more kind to myself. i'm very distrustful, still. i don't believe yet that i'm truly trying to love myself and be strong now...i sort of expect that it's only a matter of time till something messy comes up, something too messy, and i'll fall right back into the old patterns. i'm very sceptical. i don't believe that i'm allowed to be nice to myself now, i don't believe that the voice that says "i got you now!" got me yet. but i got me. even now. i'm with myself, and i won't abandon myself. ...kind of making me emotional now. it's still all so much, and i still feel quite alone with this struggle. i would appreciate help and support. i deserve help and support, if i feel that i need it. either way, i got me. whatever happens, i got me. i reckon that's supposed to be comforting...not sure yet, but perhaps, yes.

silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment, feeling grounded, content with what is, at peace i keep forgetting, but i am smart, so if i feel that i need the above to feel better - i can totally make that happen. a few reminders to myself what i can do more often in the following week to feel better: ground myself in my senses: sight: - when going about my day, i can try to notice colours in my visual field/make myself look for certain colours - find nice pictures to look at, for example kittens - when i'm outside for walks etc. it's nice to look at the sky, the fields, the trees... - when things are tidied up nicely [difficult, triggering..because Dad.] sound: - [don't know, sound is triggering] - music (already doing that) touch/physical sensation: - massage ball - stuffed animals - take a hot shower smell: - essential oils (thought i had some but can't find them anymore) - nice soap/lotion - flowers self-care: polish my nails daily movement/exercise (already doing that, but i can do it more consciously, feeling my body and knowing that it's good for me, that it is supposed to help my mind relax) pick out nice outfits be more mindful and genuine when i write my daily gratitudes...don't just write things down. write them because i feel them to be true. be more present with myself, in my body, with my emotions.

i have a very odd relationship with taking breaks. it frustrates me so much that i can't stop thinking about it right now. maybe i've also had too much caffeine today - i don't even notice anymore. i have the caffeine because i think it helps me be productive. it's good to be busy so that i have some structure to my day and know when to eat and when not to eat, but then psychologically that does this thing where i don't know how to legitimise having breaks unless it's for eating? or i genuinely don't know what else to do to help myself relax. i don't know! i'm already doing the walks and the cycling and the exercise...it's not doing anything. and food isn't really satisfying, it's not what i truly crave. i crave a break, i crave relaxation - and i'm feeling some desperation now because i have literally no idea how to get that. perhaps i should be glad that i figured things out up until this point...that i understand enough to see what's missing. but i still don't know how to manifest this thing that's missing (silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment). i'm constantly in a rush...because i'm scared to be fully here. because when i'm fully here there are noisy neighbours or a noisy dad and a messy, chaotic, unaesthetic house. so what choice do i have but to try and run from that, but to distract myself? but to wait until all that is gone, and over, and i can breathe again...whenever that is supposed to happen. ...feeling really stressed and frustrated with myself....ugh.

feeling frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to regulate my stress levels. upset, angry.... the higher, loving self says it's even okay to be where i'm at. and it's okay that i don't know that, and that i don't have it all figured out yet, and that i'm still scared and stressed sometimes. - i'm finding that hard to accept, but i guess i don't have much choice in that; it is what it is.

i feel frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to make myself relax. even if i plan on doing certain things simply for the sake of relaxation, they tend to stress me out a lot.