Judy2

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Everything posted by Judy2

  1. yes of course, and ultimately those are the changes that may end up having the biggest impact all i said is if it's something you're struggling with, sometimes it can be helpful to get things moving by focussing on the things that feel more manageable. especially if you're struggling with depression. sorry if that's bad advice.
  2. i think i can relate a lot the idea of "healing" and "health" is associated with a lot of guilt for me as well it's hypocritical of me to say this since i resist it a lot myself, but...the only place where peace can be found is underneath those feelings of sadness, guilt, and regret keep looking♡ ....or i guess stop looking so hard and let it be
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  4. you'll probably make the best progress with your life purpose when you aren't all too anxious about it:) although of course that's easier said than done.
  5. i think it's so interesting how this is a phenomenon across generations and that so many people have had this specific dream. it's also pretty amazing how the body can produce a physical sensation out of nowhere in the attempt to connect it to the emotions present in the dream. yeah i can imagine that it made you uncomfortable. if it provides greater security, there's nothing wrong with using the stalls though.
  6. Hey, thanks for sharing. it's really weird but bathrooms are a recurring dream theme for me as well. i guess this is somewhat archetypal symbolism associated with feelings of shame/similar. out of curiosity and if you don't mind sharing: is this merely an idea in the dream, or can you feel it physically while you're asleep? when you wake up, is the sensation gone? interestingly, this one also happens pretty often in connection with the bathroom theme. generally speaking, school is very special in how it shapes our relationships with peers, whether that's in terms of first shared positive experiences and bonding, or in terms of challenges of relating to one another. in this context of relating to peers outside of your family for the first time, (plus perhaps the onset of puberty and changes happening to your body), it's a struggle to try and fit in....to make sure there's nothing weird about you (or your most basic bodily functions) because if there is people might not accept you and exclude you from their social group. i heard somewhere that it can be a symptom of anxiety to be overly aware of your bladder and to go to the bathroom more often than you would need to, "just to be safe". it's something i trained myself to do as well. actually i don't think you have to do anything about it. the dream and emotions related to it are completely neutral. you're already doing a good job observing the impact they have on you.
  7. ingesting drugs while feeling the way you feel at the moment is, in my opinion, likely to backfire. perhaps it would be better to focus on the basics first, stabilise and make your body feel safe? finding a mental health professional to speak with would also be a good idea. also, is there any chance you could reach out to friends or your family, ask for a hug? any chance you could send a text and let them know you're not doing well?
  8. sounds like a good idea:)
  9. why do all the good things always have to be ruined by all the other things that only ever go massively wrong why don't i deserve better than this why does no one love me why is everyone better than me why can't i be perfect why does it hurt so much why can't i be beautiful?
  10. yup thanks everyone, i appreciate all of your contributions to this discussion ♡
  11. @Vercingetorix @cetus yeah i'm listening:) thank you
  12. @Salvijus i mean you're not wrong. still, i find it hurtful when you demonise what i (and many others) are struggling with by implying it's simply selfish attention-seeking behaviour for the sake of it. it might be "insane" in the sense that it implies a lack of health on my part, for sure. but it's not insane in the sense that it can't be understood or happens without a reason. there is real pain at the root of this. what do you think needs to happen to a 14 year old to suddenly think it's a good idea to take a knife and start cutting her thigh? and when people tell me now that i'm not even allowed to say i feel hurt...what am i supposed to do, other than to keep showing it? saying how i feel when i can sometimes barely get the words out of my mouth is progress. reaching out to people rather than staying all on my own....sometimes i can't do it, and when i do, it's brave. but it's true that i probably can't authentically explain this position for as long as i'm still affected in the way i currently am.
  13. @Squeekytoy thank you for understanding.
  14. idk.....right now i feel like i want to make you understand why people do what i do, not that it would change anything. i'm sorry for being so annoying:)
  15. maybe i know on some level that it's pointless, of course. but at some point in the past it was a strategy that i had to adopt because it was the most intelligent way my system knew to protect myself. if it was easy to stop i would have ready done so.
  16. actually the way i used the word here (and the way i tend to think of it when i use it in my journal) was meant to be more abstract... like a feeling i'd have about myself, or a sense that my entire character and Being, and the experiences and people "happening to me" are beautiful...although i guess physical beauty is a part of it. like the feeling of being a worthy protagonist of my life....not just the side character to let someone else shine brighter by contrast.
  17. right now that would feel like i'm only replacing one idea with another
  18. and i can't stop i know it's stupid *yet i feel like it's still necessary
  19. i want to keep hurting until things are right
  20. @MuadDib hi:) hope you're doing well. what are you trying to say here?
  21. i'm being so immature all the time. and i'd know better than this, i really would. i'm wiser than this. ...but then i keep acting so stupid because i feel so hurt and all i care about is to protect myself from feeling bad.
  22. this week i got a new French student to tutor and i'm actually quite enthusiastic about this now. turns out i also found a family in need of a babysitter, and now i'll get to look after their two little boys every now and then:) other than that i'm super busy and got so much going on all at once, which is kind of overwhelming at times. i've been working on my papers for two months and still can't hand them in because i suck at getting my structure right. i'm also super slow, probably because i'm so scared of messing this up and disappointing my teachers/professors. besides, i'm distracted thinking about what will happen for me after i got my degree. i've been praying that the MSc Psychology Conversion route will work out for me, but we'll have to see...
  23. i've been trying to feel okay and keep moving in life, but this evening i noticed some sadness in my system and now i'm crying. i don't want this to be true but the loneliness thing makes me feel so ashamed and like it's all my fault. a part of me believes that, if i was better, if i was enough, i would never have become such a solitary character... and then this makes me feel sad again. no one even cares about me. no one wants me. what's worse is that it seems like my entire unhappiness and about a decade of mental health struggles (or at least the three years after i started recovering from my ed, but still couldn't manage to cure my mind) might very well have been caused by something as simple as a bit of isolation - and that's just way too simple and easy. that's just ridiculous. so much so that it'd almost feel quite lamentable if i went on now, got myself a handful more friends and turned out to be "happy". i've already invested way too much energy into hating myself, i can't just drop that now...