soos_mite_ah

I really need to learn how to trust myself, my abilities, and my instincts more. As great it is to question everything and take your thought process into account, I think I'm going too far on the other end. I need to develop a solid sense of self trust and confidence because I can see myself ending up in some pretty terrible situations if I'm always doubting myself.

What is it? Why does it come about? How do you cope with it or avoid common traps? How do you prevent zen devilry as a result of the spiritual ego? How does toxic positivity can play into this and corrupt spirituality and why it can be harmful?

HealthyGamerGG I'm really enjoying HealthyGamerGG's content at the moment and I'm binging his videos. I have watched a number of other videos as well and I find myself relating tp or getting bits and pieces of insight. I am aware that this is going to sound cocky but it's kind of reassuring to see someone who is in a similar situation as you used to be get the same advice that you have come to terms with in your own journey whether the conclusions were things you have come to or you came to with a therapist. It's kind of like walking a path that you aren't really sure about your way around and then later on see someone take the same path and go through the same milestone markers that indicate that they are (and as a result you are) on the right path if that makes sense. Nevertheless, these are a couple that I find myself really resonating with. The first reminds me of something that I was unpacking this time last year and the second reminds me of something that I was unpacking in the last 6 months or so.

I'm also going to a really orange and kind of blue university. I would say hang out with the LGBTQ people and get politically active with causes you care about. That's what I doing

Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids I think that the culture shock I have been experiencing since coming back to school along with my general pandemic angst had calmed since I moved out of my parent's house. I have been meaning to do this post but I have been having issues with getting myself to write because the initial emotions that were driving me to write have mostly died down. Nevertheless, I think it's important to write about this because even though the emotional intensity isn't there anymore, I want to also make sure I don't have any baggage left over either. When it comes to dealing with the pandemic, because of the place I go to school, I'm surrounded by rich conservative white kids who don't really care about the pandemic (since they are the main ones not being affected by it) and basically treat it as a minor inconvenience. I guess this time would have been easier if I decided to go elsewhere for my education because I could easily distance myself from their experiences. I think the main thing at play here is how Contrapoints talks about the proximity effect as it relates to envy. Basically, we are more likely to envy people we are close to or people we have resemblance to because those people represent a version of us, a version of what could have been if the circumstances were right. With these rich conservative white kids, not only do I have more geographical proximity to them where I'm constantly being reminded on how they don't give af about the pandemic, but also there is this sense of proximity that comes from all of us going to the same school. In my little lizard brain, it doesn't matter that we are all on different playing fields and that it would be unfair for me to compare myself to them. Optically, we are in the same playing field. I'm at the point where I basically have to avoid social media. Every time I open it I just get reminded on how in these last couple years, everyone has still been living fairly normal lives and have been going about their lives with little to no disruption. They are reaching milestones, both personal and professional, as if the pandemic never happened. Meanwhile, the opposite has been happening to me where my world was turned upside down, I had a health crisis, I was pushed into a toxic household, and I have financial issues due to this whole thing. I didn't get the opportunity to get out and live a normal life. Normally, it would just end there but in this case I do see more resentment bubbling up with this attitude of "if I had to put my life on pause to deal with this stupid thing and I couldn't live a normal life, then no one should be able to live a normal life." And I think part of it is because if people just stayed their ass at home and got vaccinated like they were supposed to, then maybe we wouldn't have a continuation of this situation now would we. Not only do I envy their lack of awareness and their selfishness in this whole situation but also the privilege they have to be unaware and selfish. I can't even go out to a small gathering of people without feeling like a terrible person. Crowds and parties are out of question and are to an extent anxiety inducing. I guess technically I could have started going out since April or so but again, it's a whole moral and survival conflict. Also, I remember back in February and March of this year I would see people on social media posting about parties, going out, and travelling without masks. And it's like.... I know damn well that these hoes weren't vaccinated because my family and I tried to get the vaccine as early as possible and we didn't get it until April. But then again, the vaccine really doesn't matter to a lot of people there. I also have classes with some of them and I have had to listen to a few anti-vax rants. I also ran into a protest near my school of a bunch of anti-vax people a couple weeks ago with people holding up signs of how Fauci is a fraud, how vaccines don't work, and how this is all tyranny. So that was fun to deal with smh. I'm also still scared of catching something and then giving it to my parents. That's another thing, my parents are on the older end so I have to be extra cautious and responsible. Rich conservatives aside, I know a lot of people who are my age and who have really young parents (as in their parents had them in their teens and now their parents are still in their mid-late 30s) and they had the opportunity to be much more carefree about this whole thing because the stakes are much lower for them. When it comes to my parents however, if one of them catches COVID, they are basically done for. And it's just wild to me that a lot of these people can take road trips and go to social gatherings (not shaming them, I'm pretty sure they are following guidelines) because it's like I'm living in a different reality. I wish I had the privilege of being unaware. I guess part of me does see these rich conservative white kids as an alternate version of myself, an alternate version that doesn't have a care in the world and is still living their best life as if nothing happened. It makes me think of what my life would've looked like in the last year and a half had the pandemic never occurred. Sure I'm not thinking of yacht party, but I am thinking about finding a close group of friends, growing socially, studying abroad, and having my career figured out for the most part. I'm thinking about saving time from not dealing with the trauma that my home situation, my academic situation, and my health situation. There is a part of me that thinks of the person I saw myself about to become back in February 2020 and then that being cut short. There is a part of me that wishes I was selfish enough to make the choice to not live with my parents this time last year. I'm convinced that was one of the main components for me to basically lose my mind. My whole thought process for that decision was that I need to be responsible and safe and so I should stay at home instead of returning back to campus. Sure living with my parents is mentally draining, but it's better than putting other people at risk and dealing with the constant anxiety of being on campus without the vaccine. Plus, my parent's probably couldn't deal with the mental stress of me being on campus with all of this going on. I could also put them in danger. I prioritized all of this in exchange of my mental wellbeing. And I feel like I didn't get much in return by making the right decision. If anything, I got punished for it. While I have since worked through the shame and the resentment I had towards myself for making this decision due to the outcomes, I still have a degree of resentment towards people who deny this whole situation and act as if the pandemic is a hoax. In a way, it's almost as if their ignorance and denial of the situation is like a denial of my pain and my experiences.

@Vision Thank you so much for your input. Yeah I don't know much about New Zealand culturally other than what I see online lol so it's nice to get information from someone who was born and raised there. Tbh, I'm mainly into the idea of moving because of better labor laws and how it's considerably less chaotic politically compared to the U.S. And yes I have considered making a blog. I'm just trying to figure out my life, practice a little more, and get the funds to make a website in the mean time. . . . Also disclaimer for this journal: While this journal is closed to any new entries on my part, comments are still welcome and I don't mind responding to them.

Elements of Doomer Mentality I've been really enjoying a lot of HealthyGamer GG's content. As someone who gets into doomer spirals, even though I don't find myself completely consumed by doomer mentality, I did find this video to be rather insightful since I am trying to understand this part of myself more and how to effectively deal with it. I made a thread about my own doomer mentality not too long ago: I really like on how this video validates the emotions behind the doomer mentality, sees that it isn't just something that is born from a bunch of cognitive biases, and how these are rational responses to a lot of people's life experiences and the way that past generations have tried to guide current generations. This is a post I'm planning on making later but the spiritual community is sometimes prone to toxic positivity because everything is good, love, and light. Sure I suppose on some absolute level that's true but telling someone that they should just see these events as part of absolute good can be pretty gaslighting to the pain that the individual is experiencing. And that doesn't help someone move towards acceptance of the situation nor does it help them accept their own negative feelings which ultimately becomes another blockage and point of resistance to their psyche. One of the points that really sticks out to me is how a lot of the doomer mentality comes down to elements of uncertainty, isolation, and lack of agency. While I don't really relate to the situations that a lot of the people on this video were talking about, I think for my particular case and my experience of the pandemic, these elements really do show up. I don't know what I'm going to do after college. I don't know how long this is going to go on. I don't know how things are going to be like on the other side. I have had to deal with a lot of isolation during my self help journey. Much of that was intentional but during the pandemic, a lot of it was thrusted onto me. Which then leads to the whole lack of agency part especially when it comes to living with my parents for so long and dealing with other systemic issues that impacts my outcomes. I think a lot of it also comes from unfulfilled promises from previous generations and how late stage capitalism is playing out, how we don't know how tf we are going to get people to get on board to care about climate change, how we are more isolated from each other because we have to work most hours of our waking day only to be too tired to do anything else, and how systemically a lot of people are trapped in situations that they can't really leave because they have to pay the bills and survive.

As someone who is from the south and who is going to a school with a large greek life culture, this even seems alien and culty to me lmao. I'm not sure to what Canada has this but there is a huge conformity culture in a lot of these groups, some more some less, depending on the school. They often have really strict dress codes depending on the event and a lot of it has to do with wanting a certain aesthetic collectively but also not wanting any one person to outshine the rest of the girls. It's really weird and this barely scratches the surface. They also tend to pretty exclusionary because of the thousands of dollars a person has to spend just to get in and because of the way that they historically left out people of color. In addition to that, being a legacy of a sorority/ fraternity (like your mom or grandma was part of the same sorority) also makes it a whole lot easier to get in so in a way it's still exclusionary in a way because people of color are less likely to have a legacy. Some parents even push their kids to join sororities because they want to keep up the whole legacy thing. Apparently it also helps with networking for jobs but idk how much of that is true. From the outside, it just looks like people trying to pay to have friends and socialize with a specific class. As for the blondes thing, it isn't so much of a southern thing, rather it's a conservative white people thing. It's kind of similar to how on fox news all of the female anchors look alike. Salari has a good video on this specifically and how a lot of these women have the pressure to present this image of ideal white womanhood to be taken seriously in conservative circles. Regarding the south specifically, there are a lot of conservative white people in the south so that's the connection. The blonde thing is very much associated with white supremacy and racial purity which isn't surprising since the south did fight for slavery during the civil war and was more resistant to desegregating compared to other areas of the U.S. I wouldn't go on to say that the south is more racist but it's definitely more overt. There is also a joke in a lot of queer and leftist communities in the south that every time a white girl from a super conservative or religious family starts questioning her sexuality, her political views, or her religion and starts to become more liberal or leftist, that the long blonde hair is the first thing to go. This girl will either dye it crazy colors, dye it black, cut it really short or really any combination of the following. Depending on how conservative the family is, there may or may not be a lot of baggage around the blonde hair.

I'm glad you think that lol You seem like a really sweet person so I dont mind at all

Things I Want to Work on Later I'm currently dealing with a lot of things emotionally when it comes to trauma and rebuilding my life in general. I not really in the place to deal with these things now (honestly if they sort themselves out in time that works too) but these aren't things I have forgotten about. Once things settle down and I'm in a more stable place, these are the things I want to work on more. These are also things that don't really make sense to focus on right at this time because they are so far out there. I see myself dealing with part 1 and 2 in the next year to year and a half. I see myself dealing with part 3 and 4 after I get out of school, becoming financially independent, and start doing my own thing. Part 1: Deal with Basic Stuff: These aren't super difficult things for me to deal with but they are only easy when I have dealt with everything else in my life and I'm working with a stable/quiet space. If I don't have that peaceful foundation, it's much harder for me to deal with and I might as well concentrate my efforts to building that foundation instead struggling with this. Have a stable sleep schedule My sleep schedule isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient Build the habit of working out I keep putting this off but it's really important for me to be in a stable place emotionally so this doesn't get dysfunctional Organizing my time Like my sleep schedule, it isn't awful but it could be better so I can be more efficient Part 2: Deal with different coping mechanisms: These are helping me now but are not productive long term. They are basically safety blankets I'm going to have to wean myself off of. It helps me sleep at night for now which is why I'll allow myself to keep them around since I have bigger problems at the moment. Right now it's best to be gentle with myself and give myself some leeway instead of nitpicking at the ways I'm dealing with different situations in my life. Astrology, tarot, and manifestation to a certain extent These are a few things that gave me more of a sense of stability and predictability during the last couple years with how the world has been. I know that it isn't really rooted in much truth but it helps me sleep at night and maintain some type of faith and hope for the future. The one crush that isn't super healthy I have no intention on pursuing this person and I highly doubt I'll ever see him again but I kind of hold onto this guy because he reminds me a better version of my life and I like having someone I can use to come up with romantic situations in my head to cope with my life. This whole thing is basically a safety blanket. Lana Del Rey I got attached to her music to deal with that unhealthy crush. The music helped me have an outlet for my emotions so I didn't have that urge to act on my feelings and get myself in unhealthy situations but I could still process those emotions safely. I honestly see myself naturally growing out of this because it really does feel like a phase. Maintaining/ letting go of family relationships I'm not logistically and financially in the place to completely walk away or really do much. But if I'm going to be honest, the more I heal and get my life together, the more I want to minimize or eliminate the amount of time I spend with them because I resonate less and less with them and I realize how unhealthy they are for me. Study epistemology Been meaning to get into it but I need to have a solid foundation before deconstructing my own sense making process so this doesn't cause me to back slide in my development. Deal with moving into the next phase of adulthood once I graduate: Not graduating just yet so it doesn't make sense for me to get stressed out about things waaaay down the road when I don't even know what variables I'm working with to deal with it effectively. Moving because I want to live elsewhere I really want to get out of this bubble and go to a place that I resonate with more. It's a new start that is very overdue. Applying/Interviewing/Getting a job that is sustainable and I somewhat like It doesn't have to be a job I love nor does it have to be a whole career path. It just has to be something that is financially sustainable, something that works for my physical and mental health, and something that gives me insight on what I might want to do later on. Managing money I think I have a good handle of things now but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a new ball game when I have a job that actually supports me independent from my parents. Dealing with other logistical issues that could come with this such as dealing with insurance, bank accounts etc. Much of this is in the unknown but whatever this transition consists of really Figure out what to do with your life: Questions I find myself asking myself and things I have in the back of my head. Not concerned about this now. Need a foundation first before figuring out how to build the rest of everything that goes on top of it. What is a fulfilling career path and how do I get there I think at this point, thinking of a career is too limiting. Instead I need to find a job that's going to give me a stable life and then go from there after I get that foundation. I think I need that stability to really have a clear head to make that decision. I also need more life experience to get this answer. Do I want to have kids? I think about this sometimes and I have ideas but then my mind is like *you know what, this is a problem for 30 year old soos_mite_ah* Also, life experience is important because I don't know what my future or my priorities in the future is going to look like. Whether or not I want a house and generally where I want to live Idk, I'm kind of at peace with living in an apartment but I do get the financial reasons for getting a house. I also don't know if I want to live in the city or a suburb but I think my answer depends a lot on my stage of life. Money Retirement, grad school, savings, emergency funds, travel money etc. Enlightenment, existential questions, psychedelics etc. Not looking to dip my feet into this until MUCH later

Yeah i would say it's accurate. It's something that I think applies to both genders and it's something that I'm trying to work on as well when it comes to acceptance. People connect to vulnerability, self-acceptance, and openness much more easily than to a perfect and competent image.

Understand and Improve the Human Condition Wrote about what that exactly means and how I came to that conclusion here:

Getting Back Into the Flow of Things I haven't been posting so much in this last week because school just hit me out of nowhere. I had 3 meetings with my professor, a paper due, an exam, and a bunch of other stuff that isn't pertained to work directly but still effects it. I was being pulled in all types of directions. As far as academics goes, I'm relieved and also really proud of myself for getting everything done while still managing to take care of myself and take care of my mental health. I mean, compared to last time I was at school, I think I'm doing much better this time around. And I also think having things to do helped me regain some agency and some sense of control in my life. I got this sense of *hey, I guess this is what it means to be normal and functioning.* Socially, I did manage to connect with people. I can't say that they were deep connections but I will say that after interacting with people, I felt more like an actual person. I feel like isolation left me feeling like a hermit in gremlin mode. I definitely feel like I'm slowly switching back and returning to my normal self. It's taking a minute. When you have lived a certain way for a few years, it takes a while to deal with it because of the built up inertia. I think also a part of me forgot that I do, in fact, have a personality and that I'm able to interact with people. I know that sounds a little dramatic but I guess I just haven't been embracing this part of myself in awhile and it needs some dusting off. And by it's taking time, I don't mean to say that I'm awkward and it's difficult for me to open up. If anything, for me personally, I'm surprised that's not happening. Rather, I mean that I'm just not that used to exerting this much energy into connecting with people because in the last few years I'm so used to directing that energy to connect back to myself. This change has been refreshing but it does take some getting used to since I am dealing with breaking down and readjusting old habits here. Getting through this week basically made me think *well I guess I can handle things.* This week has been messy and chaotic but I think a couple more weeks of me being consistent with my efforts should do the trick to where weeks like this are much more streamlined because I'm used to it again. I can't say that I'm where I was at at February 2020 but I can say that I'll probably get to that point by the end of this semester.

I second this Online dating can be pretty annoying and by design it's extremely superficial. It isn't meant to give you lasting results or any connection that is sustainable. It isn't women. Men have their own thing going on in the dating apps Our superficiality comes from a sense of selectivity on the apps while the superficiality of men often comes with terrible conversations and just wanting to get laid. This doesn't always reflect what real world dynamics are like because the environment irl is different. Like Emerald said, women are less likely to be superficial irl because you get more depth and more information on a person and what they are like. Also, with online dating, you're encountering total strangers with little background context or shared experiences/ settings. That can make conversations harder and make ghosting more likely since there isn't that accountability or means of connecting there.

Using Your Love Languages for Self Care So I had a really long week this week. I had a paper, 2 doctors appointments, a test, and 3 meetings with my professors. In addition to that, I actually made myself be somewhat social in order meet more people and I also on top of that went on 2 dates. I really don't want to do any work or talk to a single soul for the next few days until Monday rolls around and I would have to get back on my bs. Which is why I think it's very applicable for me to talk about I use my love languages for self care. I found a bunch of posts circulating around and I thought they were pretty interesting, especially on how my self care rituals match up. I took the whole love languages quiz a long time ago and my highest score was tied for physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation was second. Acts of service was third. And I barely scored anything for receiving gifts. As for how that coincides with the way I engage with self care, I do see parallels. For both physical touch and quality time, I find that the things listed on this graphic applies to me and are things that I naturally gravitate towards. Something that is making me happy from a self care perspective is this pillow I bought a couple weeks ago. It's this round soft, but also really squishy pillow that looks like a fox. Not only is it comfortable to sleep on but it's also so nice to hug and cuddle. I normally hate stuffed animals because they are annoying to sleep with and create too much clutter but this thing is much closer to a pillow which is why I really like it. It's more of an adorable pillow than a stuffed animal. I feel like I just upgraded the side pillow I normally sleep with. I also bought a shit ton of candles. I stg, candles have been one of the few things keeping me together for the last year or so. I think when it comes to having physical touch as our love language, it isn't just touch rather it's sensual experiences in general. With candles, I love the lighting, the warmth, and the smell that comes with it. Speaking of smells, I also like taking a shower and then massaging on some lotion that smells really nice. That always makes me feel at peace. When it comes to quality time, because it is one of the ways that I take care of myself, there are some things that other people find difficult but it comes really easily to me. I never really had to try to establish a meditation/ contemplation habit, it kind of just happened because that's how I relax anyway. It doesn't feel like a chore. I also really enjoy taking myself on dates, which is honestly a fancy way of saying doing shit by yourself. I like taking myself out to dinner by myself, going to new places on myself, going on walks alone at night (I know this one sounds kind of weird since I'm a girl but I guess I always rationalized it with the fact that if I were to die violently and/or get raped, it most likely going to be in the hands of someone I know rather than a stranger in a back alley way. Of course I still use common sense though), going to the movies by myself, and finally, my favorite, going to coffee shops and writing on my own. Whenever I tell people about the amount of shit I do by myself, they always tell me on how independent and self assured I am. I get why. I feel that especially for women, a lot of women don't know how to be by themselves in their own company because of the way that society tells us that we have to be in a relationship or have a group of friends. Basically, it's this notion that you're not enough or you're some type of loser when you're by yourself. Honestly, I did go through a little bit of that phase initially (but then again, a lot of it also had to do with other issues going on in my life) but then I noticed how freeing and peaceful doing things on your own is. At this point, since it's a self care thing, it doesn't (nor did it ever) feel like this girl boss power move. For me there is more of an emphasis on feeling peaceful and feeling connected to myself rather than how independent and self assured I am. Speaking of reconnecting to myself, journaling and self improvement feels like it goes along with quality time rather than words of affirmation for me. For me it's more about taking the time to hear myself out and sort out my thought rather than expressing myself if that makes sense. When it comes to words of affirmation, I find that it's more something that depends on the situation rather than something that I always catch myself gravitating towards. I suppose when physical touch and quality time have been maxed out but just isn't cutting it, that's when my desire for words of affirmation comes in. Also, when it comes to words of affirmation, I do crave some sense of reassurance at times but it's not something that I like doing myself through things like positive self talk and self affirmations. Of course I do it, but there is this wound that this picks at in the process and that is the whole "I wish there was someone else there to help me because I'm tired of doing things by myself." I don't even care for words of affirmation from a partner or friends all that much since it isn't my primary love language like touch and quality time but again, it kicks in when the previous two have been exhausted. For acts of service, other than therapy, which honestly feels more like quality time because you are venting to someone, the other stuff feel like chores. They are chores that I don't mind doing and I feel better with my life when I do them but they still feel like tasks nonetheless. However, sometimes I do get into the flow of things when it comes to things like cleaning, organizing and scheduling, and that's when it really starts to feel like self care. Finally, when it comes to receiving gifts, I've never felt like I was "treating myself" when I do spend money buying myself things. I mainly do things out of necessity. The only time that I do enjoy giving myself little gifts is when they coincide with something in the physical touch category in the sense they are something along the lines of candles, lotion, or soap. Really anything you would find at bath and body works is fair game. I guess the only exception is how sometimes I get myself flowers because I really like florals. As for dating, now that I think about it, I rarely fantasize about a guy spoiling me materialistically. I guess the closest I got is imagining a guy paying for my college tuition but that fantasy isn't really a romantic thing. It's just me wanting to get an education without worrying about debt thing. While I don't really resonate with receiving gifts as a love language, I do want to speak in defense of it. People often assume that this isn't really a love language rather it is people being shallow and materialistic at face value. I think rather than the gift itself, it's more about how intentional and how thought out the gift was. In other words, for someone whose love language is receiving gifts, instead of getting something rather generic and expensive like jewelry, something like a scrapbook that you took the time to make along with their favorite snacks would be much nicer.