soos_mite_ah

The Gen Z Stare I haven't been super online lately due to me cutting back on my screentime. But apparently, people are talking about the Gen Z stare and how especially the younger half of Gen Z is awkward / nonchalant / don't have basic social skills. Some people are trying to push back and say that the Gen Z stare is just customer service workers looking at you like you're stupid and not wanting to exert extra effort into socializing when they already don't get paid enough. I think there is some validity to that along with how exhausting and unsustainable this world is and how sometimes old people be doing too much and feel entiled to interaction. But besides a customer service setting, I do think there is a broader problem in the lack of IRL socialization. I saw this video and I felt seen and like I'm not going crazy lol. I'm glad I'm not the only one noticing that something is weird in the air.

7/14/2025 Screentime: 5h 7 min Youtube: 1 hour 57 min Nearly all of this was music. I think I probably just watched one Vaush video on my phone. But tbh, I spent like another hour listening to video essays on my laptop to deal with my work being annoying as hell. i was just trying to get through the work day. Safari 51 min This was mainly me reading manga and I think a did a few google searches here and there. I came onto this forum and replied back in a journal a couple times. Maps: 50 min Nonissue tbh Tiktok: 29 min I swear I was on here more today. But I think it more so had to do with the number of times I opened the app rather than me spacing out on it for a long period of time. According to my iphone, I spent 3 min from 12-1am on Tiktok, 5 min from 9-10am, 3 min from 10-11am, 4 min from 11-12pm, 11 min from 12-1pm, and 1 min from 2-3pm. I think the reason why I was sporadically opening this app is because I have the reflex to but then the moment that I open it, I'm like *wait, I can do better and do xyz instead* or I'm like *wait, this will probably make me feel even more all over the place, let me not.* I kinda had a shitty work day and the last thing I wanted to do was focus on my job (and to be fair, I wasn't really focused) but I'm glad that I didn't opt to scrolling instead. Instagram: 10 min I spent like the last 10 min on Instagram to decompress from some things I was working on Clock: 32 min I used the timer a couple times. Messages: 16 min Just texted back some people. I was a little shocked by my screentime being so high today considering that I felt like I was really busy with a myriad of things today. Work was annoying. Afterwards I ran some errands. Then I worked out, took a shower, made dinner, did a few things to wrap up on work, and cleaned something around my place. I think the music, maps, and reading manga comprises of most of the 5 hours so I'm not too worried about that.

I would say so for the most part.

7/13/2025 Screentime: 4 hours 17 min Youtube: 2 hours mainly music with a couple video essays in the morning. But I will say, I have spent A LOT of time on Youtube today because I was watching and contemplating a lot in a couple of lengthy videos. I also journalled a fair bit today (both on this forum and privately). My phone screentime is nothing compared to my laptop screentime today. Nevetheless, I feel good about my screentime on my laptop and I feel like it was productive and fulfilling. Instagram: 1 hour 4 min I spent like 15 min on Instagram last night before going to sleep and that was after 12pm so it got logged for today. I spent about 50 min on instagram at like 7pm. Tiktok: 27 min I spent like 27 min on Tiktok last night before going to sleep after 12 pm. I didn't check Tiktok at all during the day. Messages 25 min I was sending audio messages back and forth with a friend and since that takes more time than just sending messages, the Messages app showed up towards the top of the screentime log. Most of the time it's towards the bottom since I'm only there for like a couple minutes and it's negligible.

Fantasy I feel like I have been talking about fantasies a lot in my journal recently, in this page particularly. The word "fantasy" appears 29 times and the word "fantasises" shows up 9 times prior to me writing this post. I've been reflecting on various forms of fantasy range from sexual fantasies, fantasies that are misconceptions of how things actually work, fantasies that reproduce existing ideologies, fantasies that we get lost in, and fantasies that we then use find ourselves in. I suppose this is byproduct of me trying to reconnect with my desires in an existential sense since fantasy can be an insightful window into what we want or are taught to want. It can prove to be a safe environment to engage in pleasure or some kind of psychological need without actively putting ourselves in harms way that comes with the reality of a situation (think consensual BDSM vs being in the hands of an actual abuser). But, if we're not careful, in some situations, that can escape from the actual work and reality can lull us in to complacency (think fantasizing about being wealthy housewife that doesn't do much other than drink matcha and seeing that as an escape from capitalism rather than putting the actual work to make a better life for people). And, while I do want to connect with my desires in a sustainable way, I don't want them to control me. I want my relation to my desires to drive me to engage with life rather than to escape from it to where my eyes are glazed over in a haze. I might not always like reality, but I never want to take it for granted. I don't want to dissolve my empathy and divorce myself from the tragedies happening around me. I don't want to sacrifice my critical thinking for the sake of not going insane in this information environment. I don't want to be stingy with my energy in the effort of self-preservation to where I shy away from annoyance and inconvenience when they're often the byproduct of long term fulfilling goals. I don't want trade my sensuality for uncanny, inhuman perfection. And I certainly don't want to disconnect from a sense of passion, hope, and earnestness for the sake of invulnerable, apathetic, nonchalance. I want to be more human in a world that's trying to take that away from us. And analyzing fantasy is not only my way of exploring that humanness, but it's also my way of analyzing the things that cower us away from embracing the full breadth of our humanness.

Nihilism Part 9: Case Studies through the Classes I wrote about different ways the nihilism problem can manifest across the spiral stages. But I've also been taking mental note of other manifestations of the nihilism and feeling of pointlessness/ emptiness here and there. I think I'll make another post on other cases I'm seeing the nihilism show up but now I'm going to focus on economic classes: I came across this video about this one influencer who really kicked off the stay at home girlfriend trend on social media. And of course, I can talk about the importance of having your own qualifications and means to support yourself as woman instead of relying on everything on a man (especially if you don't have the legal protection of being a wife). But what struck me in this video is the undercurrent of nihilism that permeates through this woman's life before and during this relationship. Before she got into this relationship, she was like a fitness influencer who also dabbled in OF. She was getting a degree in architecture and basically said that she realized that she wasn't going to use this degree because her interests started going towards content creation. Gonna be honest, that struck me weird. Don't get me wrong, I understand that interests can change, especially when you're young, but it's like the way she said it and her over all lifestyle, it's reminding me of person who never really cared about their education in the first place. I wrote about it in the past on how I believe that anti-intellectualism and the cultural nihilism goes hand in hand. Then, this woman meets this guy, changes her whole personallity and business to center him, and does this stay at home girlfriend type content. She also leaves all of her friends and family behind to go to Puerto Rico with this man. At first, it seem aesthetic and calming, an escape from the hustle. But then people started noticing on how empty and vapid it is. Like her whole day in the videos comprises of her doing her skincare routine, doing basic chores, filling up a water bottle, drinking matcha, and making a smoothie bowl. Then, people started zooming in on her videos where she mentioned journalling and noticed that this woman feels very empty on the inside and how her life basically revolves around this guy and nothing else. Nevertheless, there is a group of people who still idolizes her content because of the way that it is a fantasy to escape from capitalism. But then I remember thinking of the Slavoj Zizek quote: Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc. is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology. A lot of wealthy people have a sense of spiritual poverty that causes this form of nihilism to really thrive. They don't care about education that leaves them feeling more conscious rather the education is empty in the sense that college is a social club and only a means to the end of getting money. They don't care about community unless it's built on exclusivity where they can hide out in their rich bubbles. They're numbed out by over consumption and their lives are a constant dick measuring contest. They don't know, or care to know, what normal people go through because it doesn't affect them. Many of them don't have a personality that they themselves have created so they bend over to whatever their rich buddies are doing to seem in the loop (hell this girl strikes me as someone who didn't have much going on internally so she latched on to this guy and morphed into him). And a lot of this nihilism can best be seen in the circles of trophy wives and their kids which is an environment that I was exposed to in college. Their wealth isolates them and shields in them from any challenges to where their character and their souls have atrophied. These people give off big NPC energy and are very interchangable. It's a very specific form of upper middle class to upper class brainrot. I know that specific glazed eye look when I see it. -------------------------------------------- Then, I also think this nihilism is also a product of Marx's alienation therory. I feel like this sums up a lot of the nihilism in middle and working class people: The work itself isn't the problem. I think there is benefit of work and being challenged in your life, especially in the form of fulfilling, long term goals. The problem is the alienation. I think there are two forms of alienation that manifests for the middle class vs the working class. I think a lot of middle class corporate jobs can be head empty, no thoughts. And that breeds a specific type of exhaustion the podcast talks about in the form of bullshit jobs. Bullshit jobs by definition feels pointless (which breeds nihilism) and often times you're just busy for the sake of being busy. And as I have been trying to cultivate the light in my soul again, I found that this form of exhaustion needs to be dealt with in a counter-intuitive way. Rather than vegging out on social media after a long day of work, you need to do things that actively bring you fulfillment and challenge you in a way that you find enjoyable and meaningful. But, the path of least resistance is to space out on social media and doomscroll if we're being totally honest. And I think that exhaustion can come from over exerting yourself, but it can also come from underexerting yourself as well to where your humanness wastes away from a lack of use. It reminds me of this Marx quote: And of course, there is the traditional form of burn out that comes from being overworked and underpaid to where you have no stability in your life and you're constantly running around just to keep your head above water which means you don't have the time or energy to focus on things that make you happy and fulfilled. The first form of alienation described above is characterized by meaninglessness while this one is characterized by insecurity, usually of material conditions (i.e. contract/ gig work, lack of health insurance, not being able to pay rent etc.). Marx also described leisure outside of work as a sacred time where people can allow themselves to be and just enjoy regular human things. But unfortunately, through things like social media, the attention economy, entertainment, they too are weaponized as arms of capitalism and an extention of alienation. I like on how the podcast above touches on that.

I had a little bit of a constant snacking phase when I started out. That phased out after a couple of months, and then after that, I was able to have more structure to my meals. You and your dietician can work out what makes sense in terms of your regular hunger cues. There are some people who work well with 5 small meals a day or people who do more of a 2 large meals a day. and there are people like me where I need like a snack in the morning (I'm rarely hungry first thing in the morning to where I want a full breakfast), lunch, maybe a snack in the evening, and then dinner. I also found some light meal prepping to help. I'm not out here structuring out every meal of the week but generally speaking, I have a couple of side dishes in the fridge, some meat that I have pre-marinated, a couple of desserts and snacks here and there. So it's like, I have things prepped out so I'm not stressing or reaching for foods that might be less balanced, but I also have the flexibility to go with what I'm craving that day. But yeah, a dietician can help you figure out the logistics of giving your structure without potentially triggering a binge/restrict cycle whle also taking your habits and what makes sense for you into consideration. They will also help you incorporate some structure in your meals so that you have enough protein, fats, carbs, and fiber so you're satisfied with your meals and not constantly hungry/ snacking. Like for me personally, I know there are some days where I just want meat and vegetables in a meal but I usually throw in there a half slice of toast to make sure I get enough carbs in because I notice that if I only rely on veggitables for carbs that something feels missing from my meal and that leads to snacking. Another example is that if I'm getting a salad, I do try to incorporate just a little bit of cheese and I try to incorporate a variety of flavors so that I feel satisfied with my meal. I still find that I tend to get into a grazing tendency when I'm mentally dealing with something and I'm stressed out. In those situations, since my hunger cues aren't at it's normal rhythm, I tend to snack on random bits and pieces of things which then later turns into something well rounded because in the end of the day, your body knows what it needs and it's important to trust that. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do have structure on a normal basis but also, the snacking often serves a purpose for you biologically so you can get your needs met depending on your situation. It's not all bad.

Basic Goals Continue to track your screentime usage. Aim for your combined time for TikTok and Instagram to be less than an hour. This is will also limit mindless doomscrolling. Stop using social media to manage negative emotions, manage overstimulation, or manage restlessness/understimulation. Limit non music related Youtube use. Start reading instead. Buy a dumb phone after the above is under control.

The Fantasy of Adult Competence I've been reflecting on the Puer Aternus videos that Dr. K. has put out and the subtle ways it shows up in my own life. I journalled about this privately and I'm trying to put this in a more coherent way in this journal. I was talking to a couple of people about the social stagnation that I have been feeling and observing, and how as a result, I feel like I'm back at being 15 and awkward again. On a similar note, I had an annual performance review at work a few days ago where I ended up underselling myself since at the time I was filling out the self assessment, I was being affected by self doubt due to things happening in my personal life. Thankfully, I was able to spin it in a more positive direction of being humble and willing to learn rather than someone with an underlying sense of self deprecation so my boss and manager ended up seeing this as a positive thing. I think this relates to putting life on a pedestal and how this causes me to think that everyone else and the situations before me is more impressive than they actually are and as a result, I find myself getting to this self deprecating state. I have been finding myself feeliing like a loser at 25. I don't have a consistent sleep schedule especially when I'm emotionally going through things. I rotate between the same 5-6 meals because I don't particularly care for cooking but at the same time I do cook because it's a basic life skill (and sometimes I just skip meals when I'm emotionally going through it). I don't put my laundry away right away and I don't remember the last time I washed my sheets. I have ipad baby tendencies and the attention span of a gold fish. I use a lot of short cuts at work to avoid going insane and I often feel like I'm giving my bare minimum even though I have somehow convinced my boss that this isn't the case. I have trouble opening up to people and being vulnerable. I have a total of two people I talk to on a regular basis and other than that I'm pretty much a hermit. I have a few hobbies here and there but nothing that I'm super dedicated to or good at. I'm not exactly ugly but I would say that I'm a solid 5. I was kind of eh.. in college and I wouldn't say I'm particularly intelligent either. And I'm most certainly not particularly bubbly, positive, charismatic and socially gifted. I'm mediocre and underwhelming in every way. I have felt this way consistently over the years on and off. It's not that I haven't grown or improved, I have and I can recognize it. But the moments of growth and the confidence I get from it feel like little blips in a broader sense of mediocrity. Maybe this is just a byproduct of getting older but it feels like everything is a moving target. Like I'm sure if I met my 20 year old or my 15 year old selves, they would be pretty impressed with me and think I'm this super competent, well put together professional, who is also good with people, self aware, charismatic, educated, and conscious person. I'm sure if you put me in a room full of 15 year olds, I would come off as cool as shit and at like the 99th percentile of having your life together. But, if you put me in room with other 25 year olds, I would probably be in the 60th percentile (and that's being generous). And back when I was 15, I still felt like I was in the 60th percentile of my peer group as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I have grown in an absolute sense but not in a relative sense and that's what makes self development feel like a moving target. I think part of it is understanding and meeting what is considered normal in your peer group. It's easy for a 20 year old to idolize the average 30 year old because the 20 year old is in a different stage of life and they don't know what's normal for a 30 year old. There is also an element of being in the hedonic treadmill as it relates to self improvement. I also think you can improve on how you deal with various situations but the fact that you struggle sometimes doesn't negate you being a competent and mature adult. It just negates the fantasy you have of what a competent and mature adult looks like. I think when it comes to dealing with processing difficult emotions, I do go back to my nigh owl tendencies because often, during the day, I'm preoccupied with fulfilling various responsibilities and I don't have the free unstructured time to just let my mind do whatever until it's like 11 pm at night. And while skipping meals isn't good, I think having a couple of quick and easy meals you can do while emotionally going through it is normal because you need to prioritize processing instead of pressuring youself to be extraordinary in the kitchen. And sure, there are a few things here and there that I can do better at like putting my laundry away and keeping the kitchen clean but I don't have to hold myself to the image of perfection. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that while my habits might not max out for efficiency when I'm processing something, that doesn't mean that I'm being incompetent as an adult. Sure, my sleep schedule isn't efficient in terms of me being at a 100% at my job or when I'm working out, but it's efficient in helping me figure my shit out and after discussing this with a therapist, it honestly comes from a healthy place for me. But we also live in a place where we put waking up at 5 am and getting to bed at 9 pm, and working out every single day as the pinnicle of health and productivity even if that might not work for some people. It's a fantasy of being well adjusted, not the reality of it. The same can be said in relation to my hobbies and my current social connections. Sure, I can improve, but I do have a decent baseline I'm working with and that is for the most part working for me. But then there is the question of why do I feel like I have to be extraordinary, larger than life, and in the 90th percentile of having your life together as an adult in the first place? What's wrong with being average? And the reasons why I'm asking these questions is because, first of all, I'm not stunted and despite my feelings. I'm doing relatively well in my life. And secondly, there is a whole thing with the puer aternus archetype where they live in fantasy and cannot deal with the discipline of dealing with mundane life. As a result, they can get kind of self agrandizing or manic when it comes to dealing with life. I have a few ideas of where this might come from. I don't like the feeling of being mediocre. Maybe this is the achiever in me or perhaps it's my own sense of narcissism. I guess it makes me feel like I cannot make a difference in the world or be recognized if I'm mediocre. But the reality is that you don't have to be extraordinary to make a difference. You just need to be a normal person who keeps showing up and doing the boring work and not give a fuck about getting recognized. My ego wants me to be this well put together person and is hyper aware about my flaws. I don't want to feel incompetent and like I'm 15 and awkward again even though my self image hasn't really changed and every now and then old insecurities crop back up. I suppose I have this fantasy of adulthood where if you grew up and developed yourself that you won't have to deal with self doubt or negative states like depression, anxiety, etc again. Even if I didn't put specific adults on a pedestal, I put this image of adulthood on a pedestal that didn't have room for incompetence or error. I think I still see myself as the awkward, kinda dorky/weird kid. I don't think other people really see me in this way but I feel like that self image is burned in my head and I still relate to it in times of self doubt. And when my old insecurities or mental states come back, I find myself wondering if I'm stunted or abnormal as an adult. But I guess having moments of self doubt is normal even as you grow older. You can manage it and resolve it but you may still encounter another layer of this issue at times when you're vulnerable. Whether you're stunted or not isn't determined by encountering this additional layer, it's your ability to manage and resolve things in a responsible manner.

7/12/2024 Screentime: 3 hours 33 min Youtube: 1 hour 8 min I was playing music on my phone. But I will say, I did watch an additional hour of youtube on my laptop. It was just a couple of Vaush videos Safari: 51 min I got on Actualized.org in the morning for about 30 min because my internet was down. So I opted to use the data on my phone instead. I also read manga for about 30 min. Maps: 37 min I was driving around doing various errands. Clock: 21 min Had to use my timer for a few things Tiktok: 13 min 13 minutes isn't bad at all but my critique with this was that I whipped out my phone because I was having a shit day and I could feel myself wanting to escape and get some hit of dopamine lol. Long story short, I woke up not feeling so great because my anxiety was acting up from being overwhelmed with all of the stuff I needed to do that day. Then, I accidentally skipped a couple of meals and I felt mentally and physically out of it. Thankfully, my boyfriend was there and he helped me get myself to do the things I needed to do by doing them together and since he was there, I felt a little weird just being zoned out on my phone. He went to the pharmacy to get something and I waited in the car. As I waited, that's when I took Tiktok out and then I got off the phone after he came back.

I agree. I agree with most of this. I wouldn't say this is a dogma per se because most intuitive eating dieticians do recognize that healing your relationship with food to where you're not panicking about different kinds of foods and learning to trust your body is a first step but not the only step. Yes, you may stay in that step for a while depending on how bad it is but after that you typically go through a trial and error process of what works for your body and a way to incorporate gentle nutrition for your personal needs. The "all food is good" notion is something that lacks nuance in the sense that it takes the whole intuitive eating / recovery process and condenses it down to a a singular phrase that might not make sense for most people. I think reducing it down to that phrase is kind of a symptom of the effect of short form content and click bait lol. I've been there. I also worked with a liscenced and registered dietician and I found that helped me personally in my recovery process immensely, more than therapy or "researching" ways of eating online. If it is possible, I would highly recommend going down this route but I would say pay attention to what qualifications a person has because that can greatly affect the quality of the care that you receive. It really helps having a professional who is specialized in this sort of thing help you weed through the bs that's out there in the world in terms of diet culture and the bs that your brain might be telling you to reinforce unhealthy habits.

god, I hate having big titties. I swear they ruin everything 🙃

7/11/2025 Screentime: 4h 48 min Safari - 2 hours 31 min I spent like an hour and a half reading manga at night and like an hour trying to figure out my bra size. Long story short, a couple weeks ago I was crashing out about being built like an airpod so I impulse bought a minimizer bra. I used some online calculator to figure out my size and it told me that I was a 30I so that's the size that I bought. Gonna be honest, it fits me better than my bras that I have but it has its own set of problems and I was crashing tf out because I spent like $50 online to get this thing and I might have to go through a trial and error process. I don't want to spend $200 on fucking bras and have to ship things back because this store doesn't have a physical location. Then, when I went on the internet to figure out the sizing and what went wrong when I measured myself, I got like 10 different possibilities and each suggestion contridicted the previous one. Youtube - 1 hour 46 min Half of it was music, other half was video essays on 2x speed. I don't think I should watch things at 2x speed just to cut down on the screentime because it leaves me feeling over stimulated. And plus, it's probably a sign that I should be watching less. Instagram- 51 min It says that I was on it from 10-11pm but that's when I was reading manga. I think I checked something on Instagram and just had the app open. Hexa Sort- 33 min I was playing this while watching Youtube videos at 2x speed. I stopped when I realized that I was acting like an ipad baby lol. Spotify- 28 min I'm surprised this isn't higher because I spent most of my work day listening to music on spotify instead on youtube. I'm not sure how the phone calculated my screentime on this.

@RendHeaven I appreciate the recommendation. I'll check it out. Granted the sex in the manga I'm talking about isn't too out there or graphic. It's just cringey/ funny with a side of fuel to help me think of fake scenarios before I go to sleep lol. This manga updates with new chapters every 6 months or so and I kinda forgot about it for the last 2+ years so I'm catching up. Like there was one chapter where this girl is dating this wealthy guy and the guy's dad doesn't approve so the dad tried to write this girl a check for however much she wanted to get her to break up with her man. And then she awkwardly runs away with her man. I was dying of laughter when that happened (and I'm laughing again while typing this) because it's word for word a K drama trope lmaooo . But yeah, thanks for the recommendation. I'm 100% sure that it's better than whatever slop I'm reading now lol

Social Stagnation I feel like I have been socially stagnating since I graduated college. Part of me feels like I peaked in high school socially which is pretty depressing to think about if you ask me considering my social peak wasn't all that much as a teenager lol. I remember being 15 and socially awkward and getting a speech from a teacher at the time that this and college are the time when it's easiest to make friends because you're around your peer group all the time and that shit is gonna get a lot harder as you get older. And I remember panicking at that time because I was thinking *I'm already struggling socially because I'm anxious, hella traumatized, and in a bad home environment, and overall just plain awkward, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE!?!?!* Now that I'm older, I get what that teacher was talking about. It's not that friendship gets harder as you get older but that there is a separate skill set that you need to build for youself and also life just happens to people which can disrupt relationships. There is a whole logistical factor that you just don't learn about until you get older and it's a whole different beast to navigate. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near as awkward I was 10 years ago and since I'm not in my home environment and have since gotten therapy, I don't have the same emotional challenges when it comes to keeping and maintaining friendships. And it's also nice that the people around me are also getting to an age where that's the same case for them as well so that we can communicate through our problems rather than start mess (not that I ever really got involved with mess growing up but still). So in some ways, friendship is easier now as an adult. But there is still a reason why I kind of miss the social environment of my high school and I want to explore that. Here are reasons why I feel like I peaked in high school socially: I had a diverse friend group in a diverse setting I'm talking diversity in race, gender, and sexuality. I grew up in a relatively culturally diverse area and I'm glad that I got exposed to that early on because I think that contributed to my overall social well being as an adult, both in terms of personal relationships and also not falling into weird right wing rabbit holes. I think being around a lot of gay, bisexual, and trans kids also helped me not fall into the traps of heteronormativity and the weird relationship standards that can come with. I also had a decent amount of guy friends in high school and I think that has stopped me from going down the *all men are trash, incel, pick up artist, porn addicts* pipeline of being paranoid around men and being overly pessimistic about dating. I miss having completely platonic guy friends and touching grass in general lol. And of course, being around different kinds of people and different experiences is mentally enriching and I love how it has made me into a more empathetic and understanding person even in communities I'm not necessarily a part of. I can't say that I was besties with everyone but I did have a healthy mix of people I was close to, acquaintences, friends of friends, and people I was cool with. College was weird man... I went to this super conservative, wealthy, predominantly white school. I think it was good for me in the sense that I learned how to handle people from different backgrounds/ across the political spectrum and I learned not to put rich people on a pedestal. At the same time, while I learned how to deal with people, I did have issues making friends. And the pandemic certainly didn't help. I spent the first chunk of college being kind of antisocial because I was going through a lot mentally since I started therapy and got out of a bad home environment. The second chunk of college was the pandemic and everything was remote. And that was frustrating because the pandemic hit just the moment I felt comfortable to start putting myself out there again and I started resolving a lot of things in therapy. Instead, I got locked in the toxic home environment I was trying to heal from this entire time and I couldn't talk to people in person for like 2 years. Then, the final chunk of college, I did manage to make a handful of friends but I was also trying to graduate and mentally recuperate from the collective trauma of COVID so lets just say I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could easily make friends. And worst of all, while I'm dealing with all of this, for a lot of the wealthy kids, the pandemic was like a minor inconvenience so they're even more so detached from reality from before. I had to deal with a lot of pandemic denialism in my peer group. Thankfully, corporate has been better now that I'm around normal people lol. I'm not dealing with people who lack empathy and a sense of the normal shit that people deal with. But, it's not exactly a social environment because lord knows, I, a free spirited lefty degenerate who is contemplating being in an open relationship, cannot fully be myself around my conspiracy theory believing middle aged coworkers who are married with multiple kids. And there are limits of how close you can get to your coworkers because you don't want to ask questions that may seem intrusive in a work context but might be totally normal otherwise. There's a time and place for things lol. Also, my corporate environment, though significantly better than my college, isn't the most diverse, at least in my age group. Socialization was built into every day life It was nice not having to essentially create a meeting in Google calander and have to plan shit in advance 4-6 weeks in advance. Sociability was waaay more accessible growing up. I think I read somewhere that it takes like 100 hours for someone to be good friends with a person. And while I don't think that's exact (I'm not telling my friends they've logged only 96.75 hours into our friendship so we aren't good friends lol), I think the principle of having to log a certain amount of time with a person to be friends with them rings true. And since sociability isn't as accessible for a variety of reasons from unstable work hours, living in different time zones, people prioritizing romantic relationships too much because we put more of an importance on that over platonic connections, people having kids, etc. it's MUCH harder to log in those 100 hours and takes a significantly longer time. It's also easy to drift apart from people for the same reasons. The thing I hate the most about post college adulthood in the suburbs is that you're no longer living life along side your friends and instead, you're living your life off to the side and every few months, y'all just catch up instead of creating new memories together. Also, since you're doing only catch up stuff, sometimes you get the rude awakening that someone changed up on you in a weird way where y'all aren't aligned anymore on a values level but you weren't able to clock it since it's easy to put up a front for 3 hours once a month versus if you were to see this person on a regular day to day basis. The vibes have been OFF since COVID There is an increase in people cancelling last minute for social plans and people being overly reliant on apps to meet people. I also wrote about how convenience culture has made a ton of stuff that you would normally ask for help from friends into transactional exchanges. Plus, the world is rough right now for a lot of people and people are being overworked and that's definitely not good for the vibes and being able to show up for yourself, much less other people. It's another day, another existential crisis (or actual crisis). I sometimes try to have casual conversations with strangers in public and I've had people look at ME like I was the crazy one while I'm being met with the vape stare (our generation's equivalent of the Boomer lead paint stare lol). AND I'M IN THE FUCKING SOUTH WHERE THIS WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL. Like I get if I got this treatment in the Northeast or the Midwest, BUT I'M IN FUCKING TEXAS, THE STATE THAT IS LITERALLY NAMED AFTER THE NATIVE AMERICAN WORD FOR FRIENDS. It's also usually people my age who look at me like I'm crazy wheras older adults are relatively normal. I genuinely think COVID done fucked the young people up since we were squishy brained during the pandemic. On a side note, recently I had someone flirt with me at the grocery store a couple days ago. It was a very polite exchange and it caught me a little off guard since it's been a while. Then I realized that I haven't had anyone flirt with me in public since the pandemic. Like has the dating apps taken over so much more over the last 5ish years to the point that is the primary way people meet each other now? Granted, I haven't flirted with anyone in years since getting into my current realtionship, but still. I remember having little interactions here and there pre-pandemic, most of which were platonic with a few instances of involved flirting with others sprinkled in there. I also think that part of me wants to open this relationship so that I can flirt with people again because i feel like that has been a social muscle that I haven't utilized in a LONG time. And as result of not using that specific social muscle and also being kind of hermit like because of my remote job, while I'm better at navigating relationships at 25, in some ways I feel more awkward and less charismatic compared to what I was like at 19. But then again, 19 year old me had some delusional confidence that I no longer have at 25, so I think in that sense, it's probably for the best lol. I also heard that shit has been getting BAD back in the schools in terms of the Andrew Tates of the world and how a lot of things feel like they don't matter because of what's going on in the world. I feel like I had a relatively normal social experience with my peers back from 2014 to 2018 and graduating before COVID and TikTok becoming mainstream has me feeling like I caught the last chopper out of 'Nam. Not to mention that the streets have been extra rough in terms of dating because of the alpha male podcast bros and the normalization of incel culture. So basically, I was around a variety of people that made me feel socially enriched growing up, I had more opportunity to make friends, and people were generally less weird and chronically online back then. At the same time, while I do think I have stagnated socially after college, there are some ways I have felt like I have grown socially since graduating college. Here are some of those ways. Figuring out how to navigate professional relationships Presenting professionally at work: I think I'm better at looking like I have my shit together. I think it's also good that I haven't made being a free spirited lefty degenerate into my ENTIRE personality. Navigating office politics and office gossip in a constructive way: This has been interesting since I am now in a mixed age environment and it's important to know how to diplomatically deal with power dynamics to effectively communicate and diffuse issues before they start. Learning when to advocate for yourself, get feedback, and when/ where to pick a fight: I think that this goes hand in hand with navigating power dynamics but it also means learning to stand up for myself and my merits, taking constructive criticism and understanding when it makes sense to do so, and know the timing of standing for what you believe in. Finding out what boundaries work for you: I'm still figuring this out. I used to be really closed off at work and I've been working on warming up to my coworkers within reason. Not only to get more opportunities but also to just be a decent community member of sorts. It's been better for me and the existential crisis I have been having with feeling like I cannot be myself at work. Learning conflict resolution: I feel like there is more of an emphasis to work on certain relationships since it's harder to make friends. Also, it comes with time where even if you have been good friends with someone for a while, life happens and sometimes you do find yourself in disagreements with people and it's imporatant to know how to manage that and solve problems. Learning Community Building: Since community is no longer a given based on school and college, you do need to go out of your way to build that for yourself. And that's a whole skill that you need to put in active effort towards especially since shit like convenience culture has made it so that things like this don't happen automatically by existing anymore. I do think there is some merit as to why I feel like I'm socially stagnating after school. And it does make me sad that I wasn't able to socially bloom in the way that I wanted to back in college when a lot of people tend to come into themselves at that age. It is something that I had to mourn a little. At the same time, I don't think that this feeling of social stagnation is the most accurate evaluation of me developing socially over the years. Like there is most definitely something in the air but that's not like a death sentence socially speaking. Things are different and you do need to learn how to adapt and navigate the new environment.