soos_mite_ah

Unc Status I feel like I hit unc status around my 26th birthday. I went to a religious event a couple months back and this place had a few hundred people from a variety of ages. I just went with my family there. As I was waiting for the line in the bathroom, I came across a few pandemic babies (they have to be around 5-7 years old lol) and they were giggling and doing the "6 7" meme with the hand motions. They made eye contact with me so I did it back to them. The kids were all shocked and excited lol. Then they started asking me a bunch of questions since they didn't see me around before and one of the questions were "Who are you? Are you someone's mom?" That took me back a little bit and my initial thought was *No, I'm not a mother, I'm not ready for that yet, do not wish that on me you crotch goblin.* But what I said was *no, I'm just here with my family. I graduated from school and I'm just working now.* I continued talking to them and told them a little bit of what I do in my free time and I asked them little questions about themselves as well. But after that interaction, I honestly couldn't blame the pandemic babies because to be fair, I'm probably closer to their parents' age than I am to them. Then at the same event, I had another situation that had occurred. I saw this guy and I though he was kinda cute. Obviously I didn't approach him or say anything because I'm in a relationship but I did observe him from a distance lol. And while I was observing I saw him with his wife and I was *oh shit, he's married, this is awkward for me.* And then later I saw him with a baby, actually multiple babies. Not only is he married, but he's married with child. I know damn well that judging by the age of kids that it's unlikely that he had triplets but basically, he and 2 other guys were basically switching the babies back and forth. Like these guys were just looking after the kids during this event as their wives were socializing. That's around the time I went from *oh this guy is cute* to *I wonder which one is his kid* like it's some kind of game. I felt a little weird afterwards. I sat there thinking *whose uncle was I checking out?* But at the same time, it didn't feel like I was checking out an older man and the whole thing felt age appropritate. Judging by his looks and the way he carried himself, he was probably max 33. And this isn't a new realization but this was the time it really hit me that *oh, getting married and having kids is like age appropriate for me now.* I have also gone to a couple of weddings with people my age this year. I'm also thinking about marriage with my current partner so that doesn't seem too shocking. But the having kids thing still does feel wild to me. I have met people my age who are parents but I don't think it's going to hit me until one of my friends gets pregnant. And as I have been moving through my mid twenties, I have been trying curb my shock at these major life choices people are making because I don't want to fall into the trap of infantilizing them. Do I think it's advisable to make major life decisions before age 25 before your brain is done cooking? No. But can I also recognize that people may have different life situations which would make decisions like this make sense. Sure. That said, I still think getting married and having kids in your late teens and early twenties is pretty early and a little concerning. I feel that infantilizing other people can lead to you looking down on them or absolving them from responsibility. On top of that, I don't want to fall into the trap of infantilizing myself and seeing myself as less capable than I think I am. I think this video does a good job at articulating my thoughts around infantilization: That's another thing, I don't want to underestimate myself when it comes to self infantilization. I feel like this also goes into a lot of stuff that I also wrote about in the past: But I think my general attitude for reaching various milestones as you approach your mid twenties is that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Sure, I have enough money saved up for a down payment on a house right now. But that doesn't mean that buying a house would be wise financial and life style decision for me. I could get married considering I have a healthy and loving relationship, but that doesn't mean I should because there are certain things about my life that I'm still figuring out in terms of what settling down looks like for me and I don't know if I'm compatible on that level with my current partner yet. I could have a kid in that I think I'm capable of handling motherhood and everything that comes with it but that doesn't mean that I should have a kid because I'm not financially ready, I'm not logistically ready in my life, and I don't even know if I genuinely want to be a parent. And because of this attitude, I do have a grain of skepticism when I see acquaintences getting married, having kids, buying houses etc. Because while these are big milestones, I don't know to what extent this is coming from a healthy, well thought out place. I have seen people make permanent decisions where they didn't fully think things through and then they're in a situation where their life might look good on paper but it feels like hell living in it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this from a negative place where I'm side eyeing everyone's milestones. For all I know again, they're probably making these big decisions based on what makes sense in their lives and just because it doesn't make sense for me and my life, that doesn't mean that it's a bad decision. But I'm not out here putting these milestones on a pedestal and I'm not seeing them as some kind of achievement that says something about a person. And I'm definitely not out here looking at people who have yet to reach these milestones in an infantilizing light either where they're some how less of an adult. However, there are certain things that will cause me to not take you seriously as an adult. A short list can include: getting drunk at a wedding of someone decades younger than you to the point where you try to bribe security, cause fights, and eventually have to get escorted out cheating on your spouse, especially if you have kids with them dating someone who is old enough to be your kid technically believing conspiracy theories because you don't know how the world works seeing the world in very black and white terms which can indicate a lack of critical thinking and/or life experience falling for get rich quick schemes or the trap of short term gratification (or really anything in the manosphere) romanticizing sugar baby / trophy wife culture excessive consumerism whether it be in the form of luxury goods or constant Temu shopping sprees having work and how much you make be your identity being a scammer / having really weird morals or having self interest be the only guiding factor to your morals people who get stagnant after their mid twenties and act as if their life is pretty much over people who cannot do basic adult responsibilities because they never learned how (imiddle aged men who can't make a basic meal because they have been relying on their wives for the past 20 years, middle aged women who don't know how to pay bills, weaponized incompetence etc. I'm not talking about people who have health issues in this category) And what I mean by I'm not taking you seriously as an adult, I'm not saying that I don't see you as an adult because again, it goes back to the infantilization bit and I don't want to absolve the other person from responsibility or the increased standards you should be able to meet at your big age. I'm saying that I see you as an adult but you're not meeting the treshold of being an elder and guide to a community. The first bullet point is kind of specific lol due to a situation I encountered a couple weekends ago. There is a guy in my religious community (lets call him H) and he is a bit younger than my dad, so around late 50s early 60s. I didn't know this guy too well because I don't really hang around him or his family since 1. he didn't have kids my age (they're both a decade older than me) and 2. my parents don't like him. All I knew is that he kind of seemed like the overly opportunistic real estate kind that gave off a bit of a slimey vibe. But apparently, he's had a drinking problem for a couple decades now and the situation with him causing a fight and getting escorted out by security is kinda a recurring thing for this man. He's also dating a woman who is like +15 years younger than him. And he scammed multiple people in our community of thousands of dollars plus made a shit ton of money in the 2008 housing crisis by exploiting the fuck out of that situation. Everything about him just says stunted to me and like the kind of person you don't want to be like once you hit your elder years. What he did at the wedding is embarrassing. And I'm not saying that to shame him because ultimately, I think people with addictions are mentally ill and need help rather than stigma. I'm saying that it's embarassing because once you're at that age, you should be a trusted adult and I expect a certain degree of competence out of you. And making a scene at your friend's son's wedding is just not it. Like it's one thing to be in your late teens and twenties and getting messy drunk. I feel like at that age it makes sense since alcohol feels very novel and you're still figuring out your body and limits. By the time you're in your mid twenties, you know generally what your limits are, you eat before hand, you drink water throughout the night, and you have an understanding of consequences both when you're drinking and afterwards when it comes to hangovers. Sure, you might over do it every now and then, but it's not to the extent of throwing up and causing fights. And I feel like once you hit 30 and up, you need to have a handle on things. That's not to say you can't have fun and be tastefully tipsy (i.e. bumping into something and then being like.. yup that's my queue to stop and go home or just being a little more lively than usual) but it is to say that you still have the capability to act responsibly. I know I'm using alcohol as an example of degrees of responsibility I expect out of you but like the bullet points above, it extends beyond that. I'm 26. I'm seen as an elder to some (mainly kids and sometimes teens since I'm not exactly new to life) but I'm still pretty young and I think I have a lot to learn and a lot of life to yet experience. I just hope that once I hit 40+ that I can be seen as a safe, trusted adult who is reliable and a good source of guidance for others and not be one of the embarassing adults I find myself coming across. I never put adults on a pedestal as a kid but now I'm at a point where I feel like a good chunk of them are not credible sources who I cannot take seriously.

I would move to New York City or D.C. due to my job and my desire to be in a walkable city with lots of things to do and plenty of diversity. This is assuming that cost of living is not an issue and that the logistics of my life are smoothed over. Boston and Chicago are my next go tos if I decide to change career goals.

Socializing After the Pandemic Today I found myself reflecting on the ways that the pandemic (and the specific college I went to) disrupted my social development. I did write about the vibes being off in a previous post which I'm linking down below: I feel like anyone who was under 25 before the pandemic had a hit to their social skills. I think a lot of people who are my age and older are having trouble navigating friendships and maintaining relationships because in the crucial years that we learn to socialize during and after college, that got disrupted. Like every now and then I see an article about *the art of hanging out and doing nothing with your friends* or *the benefits of doing favors for your friends instead of paying strangers to do things* when it comes to the topic of building community and in my brain, I'm just like *you know, life wasn't always like this.. why are we hyper analyzing things that people used to do on a regular basis and how did we stray so far from it to where we are analyzing the phenomenon in this way?* I also feel like a specific chunk of people around my age also fell victim to A. overworking to where they do not have the time to socialize or develop socially and B. weaponizing and misusing therapy speak / self help / self care in a hyper individualized way that isolates them from others. I was 20 when the pandemic happend. I think it fucked up my college experience. And while that sucks, I think that the hit to socialization for kids younger than me is MUCH worse. I find that a lot of kids younger than me (I'm talking 3-5 years younger in most cases) were just socialized weird to where it's hard to have random conversations with them in public, their attitudes towards the opposite sex makes me feel like I'm talking to somone from the 1970s, and they're just awkward in a way that I remember people would out grow by the time they're a sophomore in high school. I also heard that the literacy skills is also really fucking bad for a lot of teens and young adults and there are a lot of concerning trends regarding education, AI, social media etc. Basically, the kids aren't touching grass enough. That said, I think there are some ways that I didn't socially develop as much. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my inventory of social skills which I'm linking below: I feel like I'm not overall stunted socially like the younger half of Gen Z but I do feel like I have some social skills that would have been sharper if the pandemic didn't happen. I'm going to list them below and detail if I'm moderate or low in that skill but I did write in more detail in the post above: Moderate on finding like minded people and Low on making friends and finding new partners: I feel like I didn't really find my "people" in college and that it's harder to do that after college. But I have heard that pre-Covid, while it was still harder to find your people after college, it wasn't like the way it is right now. I feel like because I don't have a wide range of people in my life that I have kept in touch with after college, that's what's causing some of the dry spell socially that I'm encountering in my current stage of life. Low on managing group settings and parties: I think I can be a little awkward at parties and around new people. I feel like that muscle atrophied a little and I think part of it is moving into adulthood and part of it is that being exasserbated by the vibes being off after COVID. Low on sexual experience: I didn't really have a sexual experimentation phase and I do feel like I missed out in a way even though I remember specifically not wanting to experiment at that time. I also feel like I'm sexually inexperienced relative to my age group and that has me feeling some type of way. I think as a result, my attitudes around my sexuality (and more specifically my desireablity) is stunted as displayed in the post I made right before this one. And I think the lack of romantic and sexual attention from my peers through high school and college has contributed to a specific kind of brain rot that I possess.

I Feel That I'm Kind of Ugly / Unattractive ** I feel like since I wrote about the incel depression that I was able to process a lot by getting things out on paper and posting it. As a result, I'm doing another post in a similar vain just to process more feelings. I feel really vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing this as I feel like it's repetitive, not constructive, and emotionally stunted as someone who is 26. That said, I feel more ready to express this on an anonymous forum as opposed to talk to someone in my real life about this so here goes nothing (I might delete this if I feel too icky) ** I feel upset about how my crushes never liked me back growing up and how I would get asked out as a joke. I think that still fucks with my head now to where I often doubt when guys show interest in me. Like when someone flirts with me, first I'm in denial. Then if it continues, I start getting suspicious because it feels like an elaborate prank. And then when it turns out the person is sincere, I'm just sitting there not knowing what to do with myself. And I feel stupid when I start to like someone or start getting a little bit attracted to them because I know there is a high chance they probably don't like me back and that I'm just going to end up embarassing myself. I can't flirt with people. I turn red get really shy and quiet. I can also get weirdly giggly in that annoying obnoxious way. I never had guys my age like me so I just think I'm repulsive no matter what I do looks wise. And no matter how much I might like myself or think I'm beautiful, I know that people just don't see that in me. I feel unappreciated, undesireable, and generally unlikable/ unlovable. I also feel like I just got lucky meeting my current boyfriend. I honestly feel like if I ever broke up with him that I would end up alone (even though I know logically that's not the case) because no one my age has ever hit on me outside of a dating app. Like I cannot pull to save my life and I have no options and no bitches sexually or romantically. And for whatever reason, it feels like sex and romance feels easy for everyone else my age. I also feel a lot of shame around this particular topic because tf I look like crying about how none of my crushes liked me back and how people asked me out as a joke at age 26. That happened over a decade ago. Also, I feel like I'm also ugly on the inside given my struggles with mantaining friends as an adult and the whole breakup situation. I think things are getting better as I'm touching grass and getting to know people in my life who I think I can be friends with but I still feel awkward and I'm afraid of being as open as I used to be. I just feel like I'm ugly physically and personality wise.

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties I feel like I have been feeling a gap between myself at 26 and my peers who are like 22/23. I feel like I'm on the same life stage as them broadly speaking and they don't feel so far off to where I feel totally out of the loop from them and unable to relate to what they're going through. But at the same time, i do feel like I'm further along the journey from them given everything that I processed above in the list of posts above. I think it's so important for us to define for ourselves what adulthood looks like to us personally and also having a more well rounded definition of adulthood. I think if you didn't do the introspection work above, it's really easy to fall in the trap of adulthood = mortgage + marriage + corporate job + 2.5 kids. And not only is that really falling apart in recent days due to the rising cost of living and people grappling with various gender divides, but on top of that, you need to process that deconstructing paradigm so you don't fall into the same traps of a now sinking ship. I think another symptom of people not doing the work is people assuming that there is various deadlines in your 20s and that 30 is some kind of deadline where you have to be married with kids by then. Which can be a dangerous mindset to have because it can cause you to jump into serious and permanent life decisions before it makes sense to do so in a healthy way. I know that I'm harking on marriage and kids a lot but I think that those two things were held as the pinicles of adulthood from the previous generations. But also, I think there is other things like having a party phase, getting a college degree, exploring your sexuality more, grieving the loss of a parent, taking care of family members etc. that we associate with a certain age or phase in life but in reality it can happen at any time. Sure, a lot of people have a "hoe" phase in their late teens or early 20s, but other people might have it in their mid twenties or even later. And you aren't "stunted" if you decide to explore your sexuality in your 30s even if a lot of people are married at that age so long as you're going about it in a mature and healthy way. Like for example, I think I'm having more of a party phase now at 26 while a lot of people had that phase during their college years. I did go out in a couple parties when I was in college so I'm familiar with that vibe. And at my age, I do go to house parties and clubs every now and then but I notice that even though my age group still does these things, it's significantly less messy in that I don't have to worry about a friend puking and being sloppily drunk, I don't have to worry about my partner cheating on me, and I'm not dealing with the chaos of 4 random crying girls after a fight. I feel like summarizes how I feel about adulthood past the age of like 25. After that frontal lobe has developed, it's less about the developmental phases you and your peers go through on a cognitive and emotional level rather it's more about the unique paths people choose due to their specific life circumstances and decisions. After a certain age, it becomes less about what you're doing and more about how you're going about it and why. I also think that after 25, a lot of people start settling and that can mean a lot of things. It could mean that they have identified various long term goals and commitments they want to fulfill and thus have figured out what settling down looks like for them roughly. It could mean settling in to your life where you're much more stable and you aren't dealing with constant life altering events at once. It could mean stagnation and turning into the cubicle fish from Spongebob: I feel like the first two kinds of settling are perfectly normal and healthy. I think the last one is the one that REALLY annoys the shit out of me. It's the kind of person who believes they are geriatric at 25 and that their lives are over. It's the kind of person that falls into complacency, apathy, and emotional deadness. These kinds of people do not have hobbies, barely have a social life, are averse to meaningfully and healthily challenging themselves, and their idea of fun is numbing themselves with various substances, money, consummerism etc. They're also very checked out emotionally and cognitively and have no clue wtf is going on around the world because they do not care about anything that does not directly affect them. And unfortuantley, I have met a lot of people in my corporate life like this who are around my age and older. They, and the Spongebob cubicle fish are cautionary tales of what adulthood shouldn't look like if you want to continue to learn and grow throughout your life. And I don't 100% blame people like this. I think a lot of people don't have meaningful long and short term goals and they don't have a habit of self education and actively pouring into relationships. So as a result, when they don't have school forcing them to learn and forcing them to be in an environment where they're exposed to different people on a regular basis, they just mentally check out and never pour into those aspects of life. That's still something I'm trying to figure out as I'm navigating my internalized cultural nihilism. I don't want to be the person who feels like 25 was the peak and things are just down hill from here regardless of what pop culture and what some of my peers say. And I'm still trying to figure out what settling down looks like for me personally so that I can lead a more authentic life for myself rather than falling in line with a predermined time line. However, if I do choose to engage with something that is typically associated with someone younger, I do also want to ensure that I'm engaging with it in a responsible and age appropriate manner because I'm an adult and I need to hold myself to a higher standard.

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties Despite being considered a legal adult at 18, I don't think most people start actually feeling like an adult until around 24ish. I think for me, 24 to 26 has been me trying to define what adulthood was and what is considered normal. I think the following posts that I have made over the years really exemplifies this. I know this was a long laundry list of posts but I thought that I'd still include it one category so that it's easier for me to find an organize.

Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism I'm nearing the end of November in 2025 and I feel like I have been mildly depressed for a variety of reasons this year. But I do think that I'm getting better at handling things and I think that I have grown a lot. Much of that growth can be credited to the way that I have been trying to confront my internalized sense of cultural nihilism. I started the year feeling a sense of dread politically with everything happening in the world, dread around aging parents and the responsibilities it will bring, and dread around career stagnation and having to work in corporate for another year. I feel like getting actively involved instead of nihilistically crying in the corner helped with the dread politically. I think also not judging myself for the emotions that were coming up helped with the depression. I think in my journey with unpacking my internalized nihilism I stopped seeing the way that politics was affecting mentally and the way that I care about the world around me as a weakness. I stopped viewing me having thoughts about different subjects as me overthinking and having an existential crisis. While it doesn't feel great to deal with difficult emotions, I believe that it's better to actively and consciously engage the feelings and challenges , and find fulfillment in that rather than numbing yourself out and disengaging because you think that will make you happier. Because as I have been observing, the people who are numbed out, they aren't happier and their complacency ends up trapping them from being able to build a better life for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel great when it comes to politics but I do feel more confident in the face of what's going on now compared to where I was in January. As for the dread around aging parents and responsibility, I do still have this to an extent. Yes, it's difficult to watch my parents engage in not so great habits and I think that has heightened with my journey on addressing the nihilism because I'm seeing the way it's manifesting in my parents. I love them but spending time around them doesn't feel great because they're mentally checking out and living life like a vegetable. I tell my boyfriend this regularly that I do not want us to be the old people who doesn't have any friends and hobbies and who rots in front of a screen all day. I just see my parents as an example of the ways that I do not want to live my life tbh. But I do think I'm getting better at handling this and that I don't shy away from responsibility and challenges as much. I mean, I've never been averse to taking responsibility but I guess there are certain adult milestones that seemed very scary that don't feel as scary anymore as I have been trying to take myself more seriously / not underestimate myself. When it comes to the career stagnation, I think have been going through a phase on and off as I have been trying to come to terms with having to stick to my corporate job longer than I would like. I feel like I have confronted some of the emotional baggage around that where I felt like my life is not turning out the way I want it to and that I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like I have been giving myself a more realistic timeline for achieving big goals and various adult milestones which has helped with coping. I also made a couple friends in my job which has helped immensely because I have a couple people I feel comfortable being myself around. That itself has helped me not dread work as much. And finally, I have been making the most of my job and I have been working harder, not to the point where I'm burning out, but to the point where I challenge myself more to avoid falling into the nihilism that drains me. I feel like actively engaging with work socially and in the work itself has helped my burn out around it because so much of my burn out was coming from a lack of passion and feeling like I have to be this super toned down version of myself rather than working at an unsustainable pace. I do feel a little disappointment with the notion that I will be working in corporate for another year but I don't feel the same existential dread I felt before. I also feel like I have better lifestyle habits and that I actively engage with the world around me more. I think touching grass and doing things that are inconvenient but fulfilling has been a very good experience for me. My apartment is cleaner, I'm working out again, I do little things here and there socially, I met some new people, I decreased my screentime, I go outside my apartment more often etc. Overall, my brain feels like it's in a better place by caring more rather than less. I still feel like I can do better though. I still want to do the experiment where I switch over to a dumb phone. I want to get better about cooking since I fell off of that goal. I want to continue trying to make more friends who are actively in my life and improve on some of my social skills. I want to fix my attention span lol. And I want to be more proactive politically as well. But overall, I feel like I'm off to a really good start with addressing the nihilism. ----------------------------------------------- While this year has been depressing, I think I am tackling things. I still feel kind of depressed but less so ever since tackling my internalized cultural nihilism. I journalled about some of the things that have been making this year depressing and mid like 3 months ago: I think to add on the list, I feel like I also have some hang ups around sexual and romantica desireability that I'm working through. So I can add a touch of incel depression to that. I would also add to the list that I have been depressed over the stagnation in my life, mainly careerwise, in September / October, but I would also cross that out now in November because I feel like that has been handled.

Using Marriage and Kids as a Short Cut I know historically I have used this journal as focusing on sex and relationships but I think this topic is relationship and romance adjacent so I decided to put it here rather than my main journal. I'm in my mid twenties and so far, it's been an interesting time. I have met people my age and younger who have gotten married and hell, popped out a kid or two. I think part of it is just me living in Texas lol. I wouldn't say that any of these people are my close friends, mainly just acquaintences, coworkers, and people I went to highschool with who I haven't talked to in almost 10 years. So it isn't hitting super hard yet. But I am starting to feel some pressure around this topic. I wrote about this previously here: While the external, explicit pressures for women to get married and have kids are very real such as relatives nagging you, podcast bros comparing you to expired milk once you turn 25 and have not yet gotten married, people saying you're gonna die alone with cats etc. are very real, I also think that not enough people talk about the implicit pressures to have kids and get married. I think a lot of one's social support is expected to come from the nuclear family after you graduate from school and that friendship and community are an after thought. If anything, I feel like a lot of people see the nuclear family as a kind of pseudo-community. But the reason why I saw pseudo is because I don't think that it's wise to isolate yourself to your romantic partner as the only person who is one of your peers. That can put a lot of people in vulnerable and sometimes even dangerous situations. It's also, not great to put all your eggs in one basket and expect your significant other to be your everything. That puts a lot of pressure on them. Also, while kids take up a lot of time and energy, and they are a huge source of connection and love, there just certain things that you cannot emotionally get from a child. And big thing is reciprocity because you are in the caregiver role. And let's say you had the best case scenario wher you have an amazing partner and you have a great family life. But once those kids grow up and start building separate lives with their peers, you're gonna be back in square one with no community as you deal with empty nester syndrome because you put all your eggs in the marriage and kids basket. I also feel like there are a lot of people who opt to get married / having kids as a short cut to meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in their lives. That's not to say that these cannot be fulfilling endeavors, but I'm of the view that kids and a spouse shouldn't bring you fulfillment rather you need to build a fulfilling life so that you can share that and pour into the spouse and kids. And I don't blame people for seeing this as a short cut. Raising kids is an 18 year long journey and when you're preoccupied with something like that, I'm sure it cause you to drown out any other existential crisis you may be having because you need to focus on taking care of another person and because a large chunk of your life has been mapped out for you solely based on this one decision. I think a lot of people do not have proper long term goals and as a result, they feel a little aimless once the structure of school is taken out of the equation. That's why you have the joke that once you get to your mid twenties, so many people are going to grad school, training for marathons, getting married, or going to Japan. Again, I don't think that having kids is not a worthwhile long term goal. I just don't think it should be your only long term goal for a lifetime. I just don't think that expecting kids to help you with your existential crisis is smart because you're expecting a baby who cannot even walk yet to solve your adult problems. If anything, they're probably gonna multiply it. I really hate the concept of people "having a baby to fix their marriage" or people marrying off their sons because they failed to raise them and they think giving him the responsibility of a wife and family is going to make him into an actualized man because the wife will keep him in line. I do think there is a chance that having a kid or getting married can have a positive influence in your life in the way that it can give you structure and an incentive to behave responsibly. I don't think that the solution to everything is decreasing stress and life's challenges. Sometimes, adding more challenges in your life can help you improve other aspects of your life. I know stories of single moms who were wilding out when they were young and then once they have a kid, it radically changed them for the better. But I also know a whole lot more stories of traumatized, unactualized people having kids and getting married and that adding fuel to the fire which then gets other people burned. And as a result, I don't think that marriage and kids should be the antidote to other issues even though lifes challenges can help people because there is a much larger risk of things going wrong. Which then brings me back to the importance of having proper long term goals that give you structure and going the actual work of finding meaning and purpose in your life outside of romance and children.

Exactly. The how and why matters a whole lot more than the what when you're discussing life purpose and fulfillment.

overhelmed I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have so much shit to do and not enough hours to do it in a sustainable way. I have some things I need to complete for work that I have been putting off. My apartment isn't as clean as it normally is. I have been at my parent's house for too many days in a row. I have a lot of things I want to journal about. And I have been unpacking some really heavy emotions in therapy which has been dampening my ability to lock in. Today, I really didn't want to go to work. I was really thinking hard on calling in sick but I decided against it. Normally, I have a rule with myself that if I want to call sick and I'm not actually ill, that I have to work from 7 am to 9 am, and then check to see how I'm doing and if I want to take the rest of the time off. Most of the time, by the time 9 am hits, I have usually decided opt for one of the following: Work for the rest of the day. Sometimes I feel bad in the morning and either I finish waking up and I'm fine, or maybe I'm dealing with something but it's managable enough for me to push through, or maybe work helps give structure to a day that I would have otherwise wanted to rot away. Work til 10, take an early lunch break, come back at 11 and see if you want to take the rest of the day off. Most of the time, I feel fine and I can work the rest of the day. Work til 12 and definitely take the rest of the day off. Because I'm salaried, if I work half a day and take partial time off, I don't officially have to take a sick day. Just take the rest of the day off because I still feel like shit at 9 am. I ended up doing option 1 which I opt for most of the time. But after work, I just felt done. And right after work, I had therapy which was emotionally heavy and then I had to drive 45 min to my apartment right afterwards. It all felt very back to back. I was also worried about making dinner or figure out what to do for dinner since my boyfriend was coming over. When he came over, he brought some leftovers from his office's Thanksgiving celebration which was nice because my meal was covered. Since he also ate a lot for lunch given the celebration, he just wanted something light for dinner which was great for me because I didn't have to run around. Then we watched a move and cuddled. Don't get me wrong, all of that was nice but I still fee exhausted. I don't want to go to the office tomorrow and wake up at 5:30 am. Also.. my brain is doing that fun thing where it tries to convince me that everyone secretly hates me and that I'm awful to be around. It's also replaying the friend break up I had earlier this year on loop. I've also been dealing with this depressed, lonely, and heavy feeling in general because of things that are coming up in therapy.

I could if I really wanted to. I have a remote job and if I were to get all my groceries and food delivered, I could easily go months without talking to people face to face. But no, I try to make it a point to go out side my place once every couple days whether it's to work out, run errands, hang out with people, or just touch grass in any other way lol.

I feel like in terms of the hero's journey and the way that it's mythologized in the larger than life analogies of where you're going on this adventure and you're fighting these demons, achieving mastery in a craft, and eventually getting to the holy grail is not inaccurate but limitted. As a result, we put the heros journey on this pedestal and correlate it with other super asipiration things like being self-employed, being an entrepreneur, or being world class in a skill and have that grant you with money, fame, and clout. But I think that you can still be aligned with your life purpose, go on the heros journey, and it can be something as mundane as being middle school teacher. You have gone on a journey, usually through college and certifications to get here. You continue on the journey by engaging with the regular challenges of lesson plans, dealing with kids, parents etc. And over the years, you can really master being a good teacher in the way that you impact the lives of your students even if you just stayed a middle school teacher in the same school district the whole time. The point is that you can still honor your need and desire to have an external structure while also fulfilling your more higher and intrinsic motivations. The Hero's journey doesn't have to be a gamble, it can just be a way to frame a mundane yet immensely fulfilling life. And honestly, that's probably a much more sustainable way of going about it because I'm sure that you get fulfillment from other areas of life as well like through your family, friends, or other hobbies and you want to honor that as opposed to working 60-80 hour weeks on a business. Nothing wrong with the later but I think most people fall in the former category, regardless of gender.

Posts From My Main Journal 2025: I feel like I don't really post on this journal because in my mind it feels like a dead journal of sorts. But I feel like I have brought this back to life recently and it's been interesting to see my relationship to my desires mostly from July 2021 to May 2022 and how it relates to where I'm at in my journey now. There are some things from back then that I feel are cropping back up again but over all, I have enjoyed revisiting these reflections. It's been interestings to see how my views on gender, sexuality, and desires have been shaped over the years, especially given that the big difference from then and now is my current romantic relationship (I met him around the time I stopped regularly posting on here). It's been interesting watching me piece together and process things back then. I kind of feel like a proud older sister watching her sibling figure life out. It's been interesting to see what I still need to integrate and what challenges I find myself grappling with a new layer of years later. I'ts interesting to see the parallels and to feel seen by them. I also wanted to link a few posts from my main journal that I feel can find a home here as well.

A Touch of Incel Depression I think growing up I was taught that desire was unsafe and that it was for other people to experience. I thought desire was unsafe because it came with rejection and people being disgusted with me and I thought being desired was unsafe because while none of my crushes liked me back growing up, I attracted attention from all the wrong places. It was quite scary being hit on by a 30 something year old man when I was 14 because I was mistaken for a grown woman. It was depressing to have guys my age make fun of me and never really see me as an option. And while I never went down the full path of being an incel where I turned into a ball of hate and resentment, I did I wrote about similar things years ago about how I felt like I was being sexualized but I didn't have room to be sexual. I think this goes hand in hand with the notion of desire feeling unsafe: I was also reading previous posts and I feel like incel depression and envy is the best way to describe my relationship with my desireability: I would say what I'm experiencing is about 60% less intense from the time I wrote the segment above. I wrote this segment before I got into my current relationship and back when I was a virgin with no sexual experience whatsoever. I feel like getting into a relationship and as a result having sex semi regularly has helped a lot. But I feel like I haven't fully shed the incel identity. Part of me thinks that my current relationship and the fact that someone loves me and desires me was by fluke luck, like I'm a one hit wonder sexually and romantically. I know better and I know that's not the case but I do think that emotionally I still feel that way because most of my life I was not romantically loved or seen as desired and I haven't had enough corrective experiences to override my initial experiences. Speaking of having more social experience more broadly and having more sexual experience more specifically, I think the incel depression also coincides with feeling like I missed out on some of the social aspects of college due to the pandemic and also the social aspects of young adult life because of how the social landscape has changed, both culturally but also logistically. I miss regularly meeting new people. I miss having a sense of social abundance when it comes to making friends. I miss living life along side friends. That's the platonic part of the longing that comes with lonlinees. But then there is a FOMO feeling / grief that I experience when I think of my lack of sexual experience. Part of me wishes that I slept around in college and had more experience with being desired. Again, it goes back to the thing about the corrective experiences. I've also been reflecting on some of the recurring sexual fantasies I have including thinking about my professor, threesomes, and orgies. I feel like I could debate to the extent of which I would want to act on any of these in real life and what I would realistically enjoy but I'm going to focus on the fantasy / symbolism aspect of this instead. I think about my professor because it's the one time that I felt almost instant attraction. A lot of it has to do with the trauma I had back then as to why I latched on so quickly but I think he is just a recurring symbol of whatever the fuck I'm going through at any given time. Prior to my current boyfriend, he was the last person that I was infatuated with. And as someone with a history of unrequited crushes, there is a part of me that wishes I was desired the same way as I desired him. My instinct when I develop feelings for someone (unless I have proof beyond a reasonable doubt this person likes me back like the case with my boyfriend) is to hide away. Again, I also think that my reaction to people flirting or showing sexual / romantic attaction to me is the following. At first, I think I'm imagining it or I assume the other person is just being nice because the last thing I want to be is the girl who thinks everyone is flirting with them. Then, if this continues and intensifies, I think that this person is being deceptive, trying to play an elaborate prank on me, or is simply not serious about me. But then, if you finally make it stage 3 where I'm sure you are serious about me, that's when I freeze up and not know what to do on the inside. And because I have this kneejerk reaction to hide away when I like someone, to cover up my red face with makeup, and to try not to be socially awkward, part of the fantasy is being able to unapologetically be flustering around someone who is just as crazy about me so that they don't think I'm weird. If anything, they think it's endearing. Then there is the threesome fantasy. I think this has more to do with wanting to feel sexually abundant in my desireability. It kind of goes back to how I feel like my boyfriend being attracted to me often feels like a one off thing. Basically, I think of this audio: And finally, the orgies. I think in real life I wouldn't like orgies at all because it seems like an overstimulating environment to be in. But I feel like the appeal for me is rooted in having an exhibitionist streak. I like knowing that I turn other people on. And I think my exhibitionist tendencies are drawn to the fantasy of an orgy where other people are partaking in similar impulses as opposed to having sex in front on an audience. I also think the exhibitionist tendencies are also a shadow to my typical kneejerk reaction to hide away. Speaking of hiding away, I feel like working in corporate intensifies this when it comes to matters of sex and romance. Just in general, I feel like I cannot be my full self at work and I have to present the most vanilla, watered down version of my personality there. I cannot voice my opinions and values because often they are political and I doubt my coworkers want to listen to me rant about capitalism first thing Monday morning. I cannot be honest about what's going on in my life because I don't want to come off as negative, neurotic, immature, and incompetent. I cannot be fully honest about my joy because some things I'm joyful about might not get interpretted in the best light (I opened up about how travel make me happy and I found out R gives off MASSIVE passport bro energy so I decided to abort mission). And I cannot be honest about my plans and aspirations in life because they are **unconventional**. And I grew up feeling like I cannot be sexually or romantically myself, that I need to hide away in general. But I feel like it's especially true in corporate. At least in my regular social life I can joke about sex, have conversations in a constructive way, and maybe entertain a crush or two. But in corporate, depending on who you're around, that could be a fast ticket to an HR violation because they're simply not work appropriate topics. Not to mention that mixing sex, romance, and work usually leads to messy situations that can upend your entire life and career. Don't get me wrong, I do have coworkers who occasionally allude to their sex lives and I'm not naive to think that no one is engaging in sexual/ romantic relationships among coworkers on the down low. But corporate feels like an extra layer of repression not only in my regular identity but also when it comes to things I'm trying to deconstruct romantically/ sexually. TLDR: I feel depressed because I'm envious about other people's abundant sex lives thus causing me to fantasize about my professor, threesomes, and sometimes orgies. I also feel depressed because I'm unpacking feelings of undesireability and repression since for a large chunk of my life, desire felt unsafe due to rejection and inappropriate attention and I didn't have a sufficient amount of corrective experiences to fully override this.