soos_mite_ah

Also, comment which place you enjoyed the most and what you really got out of the trip

To keep you alive in a relative egoic sense. Pain can give us an indication of what is going wrong in our lives and what we need to focus on. Whether we go about in a healthy or unsustainable way is on you and which one a person chooses can have a bunch of different factors involved. God created pain because god doesn't have an agenda. God is not limitted by survival because by definition god is infinite. God created all of this because God / Consciousness wants to experience everything even if in the relative egoic it conflicts with what it identifies with. In the ultimate level, God wants to experience everything from the stomach ache you had last week to someone's traumatic child birthing experience. God wants to experience what it's like being the oppressed and the oppressor which is why both are created and both are given Consciousness. Because in the absolute sense it's all love even if some forms of love are more crude than the others. The point of life is to be experienced and God is experiencing it all, the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain, because God/ Consciousness is part of everything.

Places I feel like I don't have the guts to go to Mauritania: this was the last country to abolish slavery in the 80s but it's still practiced there and I've heard stories from women travelling there and then having trouble coming back home. Eritrea: heavily militarized, basically a military state Djibuti: again, heavily militarized Syria: war Lebanon: not exactly war but now it's not a good idea to go considering what's happening in Syria and Palestine. I can see myself going in the future Jordan: same as Lebanon. But I feel like I could have gone about a year ago and it would have been fine. The country is pretty chill but the neighbors are kinda crazy. Israel/ Palestine: war but also, even though Israel is relatively safe, I don't want my money going to apartheid and be a tourist while people are literally being genocided a few miles away. That's just fucked up. Iran: not super great to women + Ayotollah and morality police Iraq: same as Iran Afghanistan: it's under Taliban control North Korea: I'm terrified of making the wrong move and ending up in jail where god knows what would happen Turkmenistan: high corruption, sketchy police, is basically North Korea lite Sudan: there is a genocide happening DRC: genocide Azerbajan: genocide / war Armenia: genocide/ war Egypt: Not only have I heard of a lot of sketchy things happening, I've also had a friend get into a pretty dangerous situation there Yemen: war/genocide Somalia: very unstable Russia: war Ukraine: war Kazakstan: not really war but they're dealing with a lot of issues due to the war in Ukraine Libya: closed off to travellers and journalists unless you try to do something sketchy to get in Basically, a lot of the more unstable parts of Africa, the Middle East, and the area around the Ukraine war. I would have to do more research into other countries before I add them to the list but this is just the stuff I could think of off the top of my head. But yeah, I can't imagine having to travel to these places, much less living there. I have a lot of respect for the people who did complete the journey of travelling to every single country. As I was making this list, I was thinking about my limitations when it came to skill to get around, the degree of open mindedness I had, and how much I'm willing to risk. That list is just the list of countries I wouldn't go period. There is also a much larger list of places that I would be very hesitant to go unless I was a more experienced traveller or I spent a good amount of time preparing ahead of time. For example, I would be hesitant to go to most South Asian countries unless I was meeting with family or I was travelling with another person, preferrably a man. I probably wouldn't want to go to many South American countries, South East Asian countries, Eastern European countries, or Central Asian countries until I gained more solo travelling experience and got more comfortable with that. I'm actually planning a trip to North Vietnam later this year and I'm planning on doing a little tour group/ package since this is my first time travelling alone to a less developed country where I don't speak the language. Depending on how this trip goes and my comfort level after it, I feel like that could be an area where I could really gage where I'm at in a safe situation without diving into the deep end prematurely and then decide on future trips. I'm pretty comfortable with going to any first world country by myself, even if they don't speak English. I'm also planning a trip to South Korea and it's not freaking me out in the slightest. Part of it is that I've done this before in France and the Netherlands and I was fine. It was a little bit of a challenge to get around but I had google translate and reliable public transport so I was fine lol. Language barriers and cultural differences don't really freak me out. Like I can think of one country in each region that I would feel comfortable travelling to: Qatar for the Middle East, Japan for East Asia, India for South Asia (because I have family there), Fiji for Oceania, Chile for South America, Czech Republic in Eastern Europe, Mexico and Canda in North America, Uzbekistan in Central Asia, Nigeria in West Africa, Morrocco in North Africa, Kenya in East Africa, and Namibia in South Africa etc. So I don't think I have a bias in terms of region of a world or any negative ideas of the people inherently being a certain way in a certain place. Like despite the Islamophobia that I was raised with and the anti-Black seniments, predominantly Black or Muslim countries aren't inherently scary to me unless there is like an active conflict happening. Rather, I have a bias for my own sense of safety and peace of mind which I don't feel bad about in the slightest. But I will say, I do have a preference for places that aren't super hot since I grew up in Texas. Also, I have the obvious travel preference of not wanting it to be rainy. But generally speaking, I can plan around that (i.e. don't go to Qatar in August and instead wait for the winter so you don't cook in the sun and don't go to Thailand during rainy season). As for fears, even if violent crime is out of question due to rarity, I'm also terrified of being in a foreign country and having my passport, wallet, and/or phone stolen or just being stranded somewhere (still unlikely but also very possible). Then there is the communication gap if there is a language barrier and also, wtf do I do if I need to call the authorities, or hell, if I'm in a place where the authorities are REALLY sketchy. That's another thing that is in the back of my mind, though I would say that if I'm planning on going to a first world country, I'm not as worried because I'm sure that instances like that are pretty rare.

Your home country and connecting flights where you stop on your way to your final destination don't count

Travelling to Every Country I have been binging on Drew Binksy's videos for the past 2 ish weeks now. I started with this 1 hour 45 min video about his travels in Iran and I've mainly been watching his longer form content. I guess two weeks into this, I caught myself thinking about my own biases and things that would freak me out. I consider myself a relatively open minded person but it takes a lot skill to go to all 197 countries and take in everything mentally and emotionally. My first thought tbh was how simply by being a woman of color, there are a lot of countries that would be a lot different for me to navigate compared to Drew. As beautiful as it was to watch this video on travelling to various parts of Iran as whimsical the whole experience felt as they explored the culture, I know that the rules would be very different for me especially considering the morality police and the Ayalltola. I'm not trying to make this a limitting belief since I know there are women who have travelled there and are fine but there are extra precautions I would have to take and extra social things for me to consider. Drew also did a similarly long video on travelling to Afghanistan which I have yet to watch but it take no mentioning that since the Taliban takeover, that going to Afghanistan is out of question for me. I have also watched another video about the time he got stranded in Yemen, almost got killed in Chad, and lying to get into Libya I can't imagine having to go through something like that as a traveller and navigating through these high stress situations. I've had a couple of travel mishaps where I had to figure out something on the spot but nothing like this. I know travelling is a skill and that navigating through a 3rd world country is very different from navigating in a 1st world country from the language differences, safety, infrastructrual differences, logistical difficulties, etc. but dealing with dangerous situations face to face requires another level of bravery, street smarts, quick thinking, and more. I know most travel experiences aren't like this despite the fear mongering that you sometimes get from other people but shit does happen and it's important to be safe regardless of location. But I can't imagine going to places like Libya, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, North Korea etc. willingly. Things that I think will leave me squeamish that I've seen on Drew's videos include the following: Encountering cannibals Going to really conservative countries even if they are considered safe, as a woman eating things like bugs (snails, crickets, larva, worms etc.), brains, animals I would consider pets, eyeballs, balut, intestines, sardines, anything with blood, organ meat, or things that look like snot. I also just generally speaking, am not too excited when it comes to mushy foods. Global poverty to a certain extent: I have encountered a certain degree of that in India from when I was very little but even though I have some exposure, some things are still hard to stomach right then and there in the moment. I'm sure I haven't even seen the worst of it. This isn't something I've seen in Drew's videos but I'm not sure to what extent I would be able to travel without some guide of some sort in a lot of poor, developing countries where I don't speak the language. Figuring out how to logistially plan for something like that feels anxiety inducing as someone who has never done something like that. Gonna be honest, this is a skill issue for me lol Anything involving an active war zone I also found some interesting demographics about world travellers in https://nomadmania.com/people-who-visited-every-country/ . Granted, not everyone who has travelled to all the countries are recorded due to privacy reasons, not being on social media etc. But this is based on the records that are kept. 85% of the people who travelled to all the countries are men, 15% are women "More than half of the women achieving it in the past five years indicates a longer-term equalisation of gender." 87% are white, 8% are east or south east asian, 3% are south asian, 2% are black average age of completion is 53 years "In terms of travel styles too, UN Masters appear to come in all guises. Some achieved the feat while travelling in groups or with agencies who took care of many details. Others are hardened individualists who attempt uncompromising solo adventures. Billionaires who fly on private jets, or those on meagre budgets who have succeeded through getting sponsored by large organisations – UN Masters come with wallets of different sizes too." I also found the LPI (Low Passport Index) section where they recorded people who did this feat despite travelling with less powerful passports. I found that section to be particularly inspiring regarding the drive and dedication these people have. It's already hard visiting every country in the world, it's another thing doing THAT on hard mode. This isn't from the website, but the number of people who have visited every country is about 400-500 people. The number of people who have been to space is 681. And the number of billionaires is 2,781. According to Pew Research "In the U.S., while roughly three-quarters have traveled to at least one other country, only 11% have been to 10 or more." And according to the graph, 15% have gone to 5-9. I have gone to the following: India, Bangladesh, UAE, Costa Rica, U.K., France, Netherlands (7). If you want to also count countries I passed through in a connecting flight, I could also add Germany and Qatar to that list too. https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2023/12/06/international-travel/#:~:text=In some countries%2C not only,traveled to 10 or more.

A Wealth of Experiences After watching Leo's video on When the Left Goes too Far, I caught myself contemplating about the part where he talks about how it's a privilege to be left leaning because of the life experiences you've had and that you have enough material comforts to not be focused on brute survival, which is why you can focus on higher ideals like equality, gay rights, freedom of speech, mental health etc. And while I, as a child of immigrants who has parents who lived through much harsher life circumstances, I am very much aware of the later as I have to manage my ideals and sense of authenticity and autonomy with that of my stage blue/orange parents who have had very different life experiences, values, and opinions due to their upbringing and survival circumstances. I've had to learn, understand, and balance a lot of these types things and see how their upbrining contributes to their world views, and how they're not just simply crazy or dumb. However, while I'm aware of my privelege in survival as well as how being born in an upper middle class family in a major U.S. city plays a role in my experiences, I wanted to explore the wealth I have, not only from privilege, but from my life experiences. I have thought about this in the past prior to me thinking about it in this context. There have been many times over the past few months where I have really taken a moment to appreciate all of the places I've been and what I did there. My parents have screwed up a lot in my upbringing, but one thing they really got right was the emphasis they put on education, travel, and learning how to assimilate into different communities (side note: When I talk about assimilation, I'm not just talking about assimillating into White culture as a lot of children of immigrants feel pressure to in the U.S. Assimilation also means learning to adjust to things I encountered abroad with my family as well as the different communities I have encountered over the years). Visited 27/50 of the U.S. states Went to the major cities in Texas (Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Galveston and you know damn well that I won’t forget the Alamo lol) Went to Vegas Visiting various national parks like Yosemite, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower Visited the Christmas towns in Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine and saw the Green Mountains (drove throughout Vermont) Went to California, saw LA, San Francisco, and drove on highway 1 Visited major cities such as NYC, Boston, Philadelphia, DC, Baltimore NYC: saw the empire state building, statue of liberty, mainly stayed in Queens and visited relatives there, visited a few universities I was considering, central park Boston: visited universities, the Kennedy presidential library, went to the Boston harbor and saw a little reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, enjoyed the public transportation system. Saw Gettysburg, various things in Philly DC: went to the White House, Congress, Smithsonian, National Mall, the Smithsonian saw cherry blossom season Baltimore: mainly went there for the Bengali cultural conference and also saw the harbor area and has some good seafood Went to the islands in Hawaii. Saw the volcanos and the beaches Went to Disney world as a kid Visited the forests of Arkansas and explored the caves (and saw too many confederate flags lol) Have gone to New Orleans a couple times, tried the food, and saw the French Quarters. Saw various places that preserved Native American History in New Mexico, Arizona and Oklahoma Went to Roswell New Mexico and saw the Area 51 alien museum and where they tested the atomic bombs Went skiing a couple times in New Mexico. India: Going to Bihar, staying in an ashram for 3 days, doing religious rituals with my parents for my grandparents, and seeing people keep hard copies of genealogical data Going to Kolkata every other year growing up + saw the Victoria Memorial, the Howrah Bridge, downtown Kolkata, and the Ganges River Saw the Taj Mahal, Agra Fort, the entirety of Jaipur, Jantar Manter, and Delhi UAE: Visiting Dubai, the Burj Khalifa, went to the Dubai Mall, went to the beaches and the palm islands Bangladesh: Went to Sylhet, Dhaka, my ancestral home in Mymensingh, visited my dad’s friends and relatives Went to Costa Rica, and saw the rainforests + did a tour of San Juan Europe: Went to the UK: studied Indian history there, stayed in Oxford and London, saw the British Museum, Tower of London, London Eye, Brick Lane, the William Morris House, the Roman baths, the birthplace of Winston Churchill, Windsor Castle, and Parliament Went to France: Saw the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame Cathedral, Versailles, and Remy the rat along with his whole family in the Paris bus stop. I also went to the beach and spent some time in Bordeaux. Went to Amsterdam: went on a cycling tour, went to a boat tour, the Ann Frank House, and out door market, and a place that was mainly populated by middle eastern immigrants. I also went to the red light district and went to a sex show which was interesting. Food Experiences: I have a thing where I try the Mexican food wherever I go as an experiement of sorts Tex Mex California Mexican food Mexican food in DC, the UK, and Vermont Mexican food in places like New Mexico and Galveston Salvadorian food Brazilian food: Brazilian Steak House Brazilian / Italian / Portuguese fusion food Costa Rican food Lots of chicken and plantains South East Asian Cuisine Thai: tried various noodle and curry dishes Malaysian: There is a restaurant that I really like in Dallas Vietnamese: I’m kinda basic but I’ve mainly tried Bahn Minh, Pho, and rice paper rolls East Asian Cuisine Chinese Take out Chinese Dim Sum Sushi: ranges from sashimi, various roll styles, sushi in fancy restaurants, and grocery store sushi Hibachi Ramen Kimbap Korean fried cheese Various East Asian snacks: sweet sandwiches, boba, various chip flavors, Korean fried chicken, anything with matcha, various cookies, mochi The French pastries in the bakeries next to the east asian grocery stores South Asian Cuisine A whole lifetime of Bengali home cooked meals and lessons on how to eat elish maach North Indian and South Indian food Various snack and junk foods Street food Indo Chinese food fusion foods including Korean+Indian and Mexican+Indian Mediterranean Food: Went to Italian, Greek, Turkish, North African, Palestinian,and Syrian places Had gyros, shawarmas, baba ganush, fatoush salad, tabouli salad, Greek salads, various lamb preparations Barbeque Texas BBQ North Carolina Kansas Australian German Korean Brazillian French food: croissants, crepes, the pizzas there, beignets, various cheeses and breads Dutch: Pancakes, stroopwaffles, fish, croquettes UK: fish and chips, meat pastries, Shepard’s pie, beans on toast, full English breakfast Maine lobster + Crab cakes + crab and lobster rolls Tried a lot of seafood in general: fish, lobster, crab, shrimp, crawfish, calamari, squid, mussels, oysters, caviar, fish curries, raw fish, fried The people I have met Grew up in an area of Dallas that is predominantly black and Hispanic with a good bit of African immigrants from the Caribbean, West Africa, and East Africa Would frequently go up to North Dallas where there is a lot of south, east, and south east Asian people Got exposed to a lot of Middle Eastern people through my friends and in college Know a few immigrants from Europe (mainly UK and Germany) as well as people who are connected to their Italian, Scottish, Irish, and English heritage Met some Eastern European people growing up and in college Met a few Jewish people as well as a couple Buddhists, Zoroastrians, Sikhs, and Jains. And of course, I know a good deal of Christians, Muslims, and Hindus who are religious to various degrees and practice various forms of each religion (Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Sunni, Shia, Hindus from various castes in the north, south, and east India) Met exactly one person from Central Asia (he was from Kyrgyzstan) Political Ideology Liberals Southern Liberals / Liberals from red states East Coast Liberals Liberals from blue states Conservatives Rich conservatives Poor conservatives Southern conservatives (typically boomers and suburban Karens) Rural conservatives from various parts of the country (ranging from rural Texas, Arkansas, to even rural Maine) The occasional libertarian Leftists Let’s just say that there is a big difference between leftists from red states, mainly from the south and from Appalachia, and the leftists from places like NYC, Boston, LA, and San Francisco, and online leftists Fascists I met a full on Nazi once. I don’t know too many fascists but I do know people who have questionable views that connect to fascist talking points. People who are all over the place due to war trauma People who have survived a genocide, refugees, people who have been influenced by Hindu nationalism, Islamofascism, have a heavy negative bias towards a group like Jewish people or Pakistanis due to the war trauma that they or their family experienced.

The Limitations of Leftist Policies Leo wrote this on his blog a couple weeks back. I also rewatched his video on When the Left Goes Too far. I reflected on this for a couple days and I finally got the chance to journal about it. I bolded the items in his list and I elaborated on them with my own thoughts in blue

@Yimpa It's a thing that people say during Eid, the celebration of the end of Muslim holy month of Ramadan. It's along the lines of Happy Eid.

4/9 4:30 pm: Reflections from Day 30 (4/9) Today is the last day of Ramadan and I feel proud of being able to get this far. I wasn’t as salty about fasting as I was yesterday because I’m going to be “done” today. I put done in quotations because while Ramadan is over, I still have makeup days to do so I’m not completely done yet. Gonna be honest, I’m still not thrilled about finishing fasting. But today, I guess I wanted to be present, acknowledge how far I’ve come, and celebrate that I’ve gotten to the end of this. But there is still that little thing in my head that tells me that I don’t have the right to celebrate since I’m not done and because I had to take breaks. I’m not faulting myself for my period, but this is more so about how I took 4 days off regarding travel, the 1 day I had to break my fast, and how I have a total of 8 days left. And in my mind, 22/30 is like 75% which isn’t great. I’m glad I got through it, but it’s not like I did a great job. However, if we take out the travel (which I planned prior to deciding to / committing to / prioritizing fasting) and my period (which is a valid reason to not fast), I only missed 1 day. And I think if I look at it like that, I did a pretty damn good job as someone who is not Muslim and who is fasting for the first time ever. Out of the 8 days I broke my fast, 7 of those days was because fasting would not have been reasonable for me or my spiritual practice. My period is not something that I can really control and if I knew I was going to fast prior to booking this trip, I would have planned this differently or not have gone (even though I really wanted to go on this trip) and I think that is a testament to how seriously I took this. This reminds me of something my friend said while I was travelling. She told me that I am doing a lot but I am doing it sustainably, but I was in an environment previously where I was surrounded by people who were doing things unsustainably and who were getting rewarded for that. That goes for both travel and work. But I do think that this extends to how I view discipline itself on a subconscious level. I’m living in a world where unsustainable practices and results are what gets rewarded. You have click baity videos online depicting wild things as if they are common because that is what is rewarded by the algorithm, and unsustainable business practices that burn people out because that is what is rewarded by shareholders. You have gorgeous people pushed on you by the media whose full time job is to look good whether it be getting filler and botox, working out 3 times a day, having the best hair, makeup, and fashion experts, and are living off of chicken and lettuce. Because tips from that lifestyle is what gets people’s attention, not something that is more sustainable and realistic. You have people who have extreme diets and exercise routines with dramatic before and afters that do not apply to people who are trying to live a normal, healthy/ active life and who are already doing what they need to do and don’t need to nitpick at their diet. Because you can’t sell things to those people and get them on a treadmill of constantly feeling like they aren’t doing enough in a program that is not sustainable in the first place when what they’re doing is already great. That 5 am morning routine video is going to get more attention and more praise compared to the morning routine where a person wakes up at but is still just as productive as the person with the 5 am morning routine. I don’t have to be working constantly to where I’m doing 12-18 hour days in order to be productive, hardworking, disciplined, and care about my career. I don’t have to constantly move around and act like I’m on coke while travelling to do and see everything I want or feel like I’m making good use of my time. I don’t have to fast 30 days straight if for whatever reason it does not make sense to me. I don’t have to overwork myself and be overly perfectionistic in high school and college just to get into some prestigious institution in order to be well educated/ get the most out of my education, be considered disciplined, and be as smart as or prioritize my education as the people who do attend these institutions. I don’t have to work out 7 days a week and eat a gluten free, nut free, sugar free, oil free, vegan diet in order to have good health. I don’t need a 20 step skincare routine that costs hundreds of dollars in order to take care of my skin. Also, the fact that during my fast I’ve had days where I was sick but I can recognize that I wasn’t sick enough to break my fast and I was able to push through despite not wanting to fast shows how disciplined I was with this practice, how seriously I took this, and how, as another friend put it, I’m standing on business.

4/8 11:00pm Reflections from Day 29 (4/8) I really didn’t want to fast or go to work today. I woke up feeling like ASS. I woke up at 5, drank my water, and soon after I normally am able to fall back asleep but for whatever reason I was not able to. I laid there in bed until it was 9 and I had to go to work. I kept thinking of calling out of work at around 8 but considering the amount of sick time I have left, I don’t want to spend it all early in the year. God I hate the concept of sick days. Why can’t we be like France where if you’re sick, your sick, you don’t have to have a doctors’ note nor do you have a specific number of days you’re allowed to be sick. And because I’m not feeling well, I didn’t want to fast either. In the morning, my throat was dry and scratchy. By the time 9 am rolled around, it got significantly better. I told myself that if I didn’t feel better by 10ish that I would break my fast for health reasons. If I did feel better, I will continue fasting. And even though the later ended up being true and I kept my promise to fast, I was still salty the entire time I was fasting. But I guess in the end of the day, my desire to do this practice correctly and honestly and stick to it to the end of Ramadan (which is not that far away) outweighed my desire to skip fasting. I already have 8 days I need to make up. I don’t want that number to extend into 9 or 10. Despite starting work at 9 am, I decided to take my lunch break at 11. I needed that early lunch / nap break and I think that helped my body recuperate a little to where I was a little bit more functioning throughout the day. Also, because I’m sick, I found myself reflecting on my health and the way that fasting has done a number on me physically. I miss being able to function normally. There were many moments throughout the day that I honestly wanted to cry because I was exhausted by the practice. But I didn’t. I stuck to it. And I have completed the fast for today and most of my responsibilities. Here are some aspects of my physical health that I miss and cannot wait to get back to: A stable sleep schedule: I’m so tired of waking up at 5 am and having a ton of energy at like 12. As much as I am naturally a night owl, I do miss the structure I had and my ability to function throughout the day. Stable energy throughout the day: Similar to the last point, I hate having a burst of energy at the end of the day when I need to wind down. I miss being able to do things in a timely manner. I feel like I waste so much time in the afternoon just rotting in bed before Iftar that I could be using more efficiently. PCOS /hormone regulation: I feel like my hunger cues are all over the place and that my PCOS symptoms that are typically controlled by my birth control is getting so strong that it like seeps through the birth control. I’m breaking out. I’m growing hair where I normally don’t and I barely got my period this month. Normally, my period is pretty light when restrict food due to my toxic diet culture habits, but this month it was bad because I’m just not eating enough. Immune system: This is like the 3rd time I got sick this month. Granted, I wasn’t like full on ill to where I couldn’t fast but I feel like my immune system has really been compromised because I’m simply not eating enough. I miss the energy I had to work out and enjoy my body. The bed rot hours are affecting me mentally. I miss the time and energy I had to be sociable. I normally don’t get the energy to do much until like 8:30 pm and before that I really don’t want to talk to people. I also feel bad about isolating myself. Ability to focus: I miss being able to focus at work and get what I need to get done in a timely manner. I’m still getting what I need to get done but often times, I need to work outside of work hours. For example, instead of being able to work consistently from 9am to 6 pm, I can only focus til about 3 pm. I still stay online just in case anyone calls me but I know damn well that I’m not getting anything done until after I eat so then I wind up finishing up my work from like 10 pm to 12 am. In conclusion, while fasting itself wasn’t hard today, I very much felt frustrated, antsy, and impatient because I’m just over it regarding how fasting has been fucking with my body.

4/8 4:45pm: Reflections from Day 28 (4/7) Today was another bed rot day. I still felt sick during this day and my sleep schedule has been messed up. The only thing that got me to get up and be a functioning person was that I was going to meet up with a friend later that day and we were going to break our fast together. I got to try some new food and that was nice. And I felt significantly better after eating, as usual. I really don’t want to fast anymore. That’s all that I was thinking during this day. And it wasn’t even because I was hungry (I don’t have an appetite since I’m sick), thirsty, or even low energy rather it was more so that I got sick and while this would have been a minor thing in a normal circumstance, it feels like it’s lingering. I know it’s a thing that when you cut your calories too low that your immune system gets weaker. The main reason why I am going to keep going until the 30 days are up is because I want to stay true to my word, I don’t want to add to the makeup days, and because I’m already so so close to the end. I just kept telling myself that it’s just today and two more days and then I’ll be back to normal. I think before I do my makeup days I’m going to give myself a few days before I start fasting again. Especially since I got sick, I think my body just needs a few days to recover. I’m not sure how I’m going to do the makeup days but I do know that makeup day 1 isn’t going to be 4/10.

4/6 6:40 pm: Reflections from Day 26 (4/5) and Day 27 (4/6) Day 26 (4/5) was easier than the day before because my throat wasn’t really sore. However, the lack of sleep was messing me up. I slept from 5:30 am to 9:00 am and then took a nap sometime in the evening. I felt a sense of nervous energy midday similar to how I would feel during exam season in college. I’m sure it’s the combination of lack of food, sleep, and the drive to be productive. Normally, in these situations, eating something high in protein and fat can help calm down physiological symptoms of anxiety (don’t know the exact science but I know it’s a thing and that it does work for me) but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do that. I took a nap instead after work and I felt dead as usual in the 2 hours leading up to dinner. Day 27 (4/6) has been the epitome of a bed rot day. Part of it is that I feel sick and the other part of it was because I was so productive yesterday that I basically just needed a day to chill. Today it was hard to wake up at 5 and drink water because my body just wanted to sleep so bad. Also, while I don’t have a sore throat or a fever like the last couple days, my sinuses have been KILLING ME!!! The night before I felt an intense sinus pressure on my teeth (it’s honestly the worst feeling) and it took me forever to fall asleep. I also had to be a mouth breather for most of the night. And because I was breathing from my mouth and the air is coming inside me via my mouth an throat, my throat has been feeling really dry and when I drank water at 5 am, it didn’t feel like it helped much. This morning was the morning that tested me the most. I really thought that I had to break my fast today because of my throat issues. But then after going to sleep at like 5:30 and waking up at noon and then waiting another 2 hours, my sinuses calmed down just a bit to where I was no longer had to breathe through my mouth. I think that helped significantly. So I decided that I was indeed going to fast today. Today was easier in the sense that normally when I’m sick I don’t really get hungry. It’s like an hour before dinner and I haven’t really felt hungry all day. I wouldn’t say I felt thirsty either but in the times when my nose would clog up and I had to breathe from my mouth, I just felt really dry. I was thinking of running to Walmart to get some medication for this sinus infection. But then I found some medicine in the bathroom AND IT WASN’T EXPIRED. I thanked god and then decided that I don’t need to go to Walmart. Honestly, I’m not even excited to eat food during Iftar, I just want to take my sinus medication lol. I really had no energy today due to me working super hard yesterday with a lack of sleep, me being sick, and me not eating. Literally my whole day has just been me in bed, sometimes sleeping or when I’m not sleeping, watching videos on YouTube. I know that I’m not supposed to be fasting when I’m sick. Granted, I don’t think I feel sick enough to where fasting would be a detriment, but I will be honest, as someone who has like 8 days she needs to make up, I’m really don’t want to add more makeup days, especially since I have gotten to day 27 and have 3 days left. Honestly, I really want to power through these 3 days and then worry about tackling the remaining 8 in a pace that is more sustainable for me.

4/5 2:40 am: Reflections from Day 25 (4/4) This is my first day fasting since my little break. Today was hard. I think my body just has to adjust again to the fasting though I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as the first 5 days of Ramadan. Today was hard because I caught a little bit of a cold from Austin. I was a little sniffly, had a scratchy throat, and a headache for much of the day. I also couldn’t focus on work to save my life. I also threw up a little because my stomach was acting up since nothing was in it. Lets just say I couldn’t wait for dinner to come back to life. I had dinner and I felt alive again. I also had some cough syrup and as I’m writing this I’m feeling much better. I pulled an all nighter of sorts because I had a lot of work to catch up on (because basically, I was doing the bare minimum at my job today and I don’t want things to pile up on a Friday). This was mainly work for my job but I also had some personal matters to tend to such as finishing The Power of Now, and writing my journal posts. Tonight I was really just trying to work with my irregular energy levels instead of against them. I’m not looking forward to the work day though. I’m just gonna hope that the caffeine I had in the middle of the night and a nap during my lunch break will help me out. I was really productive tonight and honestly it felt worth it. I had enough fuel to focus and also working in the middle of the night almost helps me be more present (and as a result focus on whatever I’m doing) because time feels fake and like the void. I also felt nostalgic pulling an all-nighter. It brought me back to college and the times where I was really focused and determined to get things done. It has been nice getting into that flow state. I broke my promise to avoid caffeine during Ramadan. Granted my original thought process is doing this so that I don’t become reliant on it so the purpose of this goal has been achieved. I think it’s alright if I do drink caffeine so long as I’m not using at as a crutch to get through fasting. I also caught myself feeling a little guilty about my eating habits from the day before. I wouldn’t say that I ate a lot but I will say that I felt like I lacked the self control that I was building during Ramadan. It felt like the exercise of fasting was all for nothing. Then I reframed this situation by telling myself that it’s natural that my body is trying to compensate for the days where I was probably not eating enough. That isn’t me “lacking in self control”, that’s my body trying to make sure that I’m properly fueled and nourished. I shouldn’t shame myself for wanting to entertain my whims to eat a little snack here and there in the same way I wouldn’t shame or call someone who ran a marathon the day but spent the whole day today sleeping lazy. I think if I’m going to see the long term effects of fasting, the first few days won’t necessarily be the best representation in the same way that if you ran a marathon, chances are you’ll be too sore to do much the following days and the way you perform on your work outs wouldn’t be the best representation on the progress you made running and training for a marathon.