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About Cykaaaa

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  • Birthday 05/30/2002

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  1. General After the highs experiences during (and some days after) the Vipassana retreat, I've been going through a backlash for the last days. Sitting on my phone a lot, playing Among Us. Stopped meditating on Thursday last week, couldn't handle it (I'm not blaming myself). Watching YT, not doing anything meaningful. Luckily, I think I'm getting out of it. I'm feeling better and better. Today I had a productive day and I'm proud of myself (did some necessary research, went to the gym, contemplated). Feels good! Discovering the root A few days ago I was contemplating my video game addiction. During my retreat I had a striking insight that I love playing games (especially tf2 in which I have tons of hours invested) because I love the FEELING of dominating the enemy. Crushing the enemy team. Saving my team from defeat thanks to my skill and experience. Basically, it all stems from the desire to be POWERFUL. I consider this a part of my red shadow. The desire to be powerful manifests itself not only in the form of my gaming addiction, but also in other areas of my life. For example, for the longest time I've imagined myself in situations in which I exert dominance over someone or even beat them up. I am the hero, I am powerful, I am worthy. Respect me, appreciate me, see me as powerful. These thought bugged me for so long! I go on a walk and can't stop thinking about beating the shit out of some guy. Fucking absurd. Let me relax and find my peace, god dammit! But fortunately I decided to go deeper and discover what is the root of this desire to dominate and be powerful. And the answer is, of course, insecurity. I never managed to be the "strong one" in my childhood and was always weaker, I had to survive by being fast (outrun my bullies), cute (I was always younger than all my classmates cuz I skipped one class in primary school. "You wouldn't possibly beat up someone younger than u?") and passive-aggressive or even toxic sometimes. I've talked about it in this journal before. Ever since I realized that this longing for power is stemming from insecurity, I didn't have any aggressive thoughts or cravings to dominate someone in a video game. I've been setting the intention for myself "I am confident and powerful" and working with it to fix this root problem. I've also been trying to boost my 3rd chakra, as it's responsible for confidence and self-esteem. Yea, I sincerely believe that I can heal myself from this desire to exert power by really fixing my insecurity. I feel so great knowing that I've identified the deep problem and now I'm able to do something about it. The notion of "awareness alone is curative" is working here, too. God, contemplation is the best. Self-knowing fucking rocks. Am I the only one? Lately my consciousness has been raised and I've been experiencing some weird things. Sometimes, when I sit in a bus for example, I look at everything around me and think to myself: "This is just an illusion. I am the only being. Everything and everyone is just my consciousness. Oh my god...". There are these moments when I can't stop seeing the environment any other way. Other times I'm just sitting observing nature, looking at the sky and trees and animals with a smile on my face... This is so beautiful, and it's a dream! All of it. It's just my consciousness, and it's so darn cool... Now, here's the problem. I don't know if I'm 1) deluding myself with beliefs I've gained from other people or 2) my consciousness is raised and I'm just seeing it the way I really think it is. It's probably a mix of these, when I think about it. Well, I hope I don't go insane and live in a self-constructed belief system of "I am the only one" and shit without actually directly experiencing it. I wanted to make a post asking about this, cuz it actually worries me a bit. But I came to the conclusion that I gotta work it out for myself. After all, I'm god (supposedly ). All I'm saying is that I'm the best person that can help me. I'm the supreme authority. One more thing: the idea of being the only authority in my life is so cool. And the idea that I can discover NEW things about life and reality that I haven't seen anyone talk about AND live them. One thing I admire Leo for is that he's (almost) single-handedly paving a new way of doing spirituality - he's mostly his own authority and, for example, doesn't ask anyone if he's god. He just knows it directly and anyone who denies it can go fuck themselves. You know, being ORIGINAL, having your OWN way or opinion or conclusions or view on reality. So awesome. That's one of the things that motivates me. Being my own authority. (Of course I'll still listen to others and people a bit wiser than me but ultimately I am the one who decides what is true or not. Fuck, this is so powerful. I hope u don't see me as some delusional freak lol) Other things & thoughts It's a bit of a shame that I'm posting here so sporadically. But I don't want to force myself to post. It's spontaneous. I do feel like, however, many of my thoughts and ideas and insights about myself are being lost, cuz I don't write them down. Well, whatever. I started watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and it's lowkey scaring me. I've been seeing many of my friends in the past 10 days and I'm soo happy because of it. I told them about my Vipassana experience and had truly nice meetings and conversations. Tomorrow I'll be seeing some of my pals again and we're gonna eat some darn yummy food, can't wait! Btw, I genuinely feel sorry for you people from the US that can't socialize because of the pandemic. I'd go crazy if I had to sit at home all day. Among Us is such a good game. As I said, I hopped on the trend and I've been playing it a lot lately. It's fun! But I'll get bored of it very soon, I feel. My relationship with my father has been really good since Vipassana. The relationship with my sister? Fucking AMAZING. We've had great contact before, now it's even better. On the other hand, I've been arguing with my mom quite a bit. 10 days left until my college year starts. I'm kinda excited, but also I'll miss the freedom of this long summer break. I've done a lot of self-actualization work. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF Talk to ya l8r. @allislove ❤️ btw I love your journal bro. I only went through the first page as of now but I'm telling you, I love it
  2. Incredibly useful. ❤️ Thank you thank you thank you
  3. Get away if possible. Another option: confront her. Ask her what's her problem. Maybe you'll resolve this peacefully OR she'll just stop bothering you because you challenged her directly. Sure, it'd be best if you were a saint and just didn't react, were a fountain of love and filled yourself with compassion for this person. After all, she's the first victim of her own negativity. BUT in practice you might not be developed enough for that (and that's okay - btw, I know nothing about your development or you... I'm just saying) so you might need to assert yourself and confront her with power. Don't be a doormat. Don't just let some biatchhh turn people against you and ignore this completely. Activate your red for a second and ask her what the hell her problem is. If there's one thing I learned from @Matt8800 is that besides love, power/strength is also very important. Here's a link to one of his threads. Or yeah, if you're enlightened or something, then just beat her negativity with love. That's definitely more conscious... but again. Don't disregard power and assertiveness. Respect yourself. QUICK EDIT: I'm not saying that you should respond back with negativity. No, no, no. You're doing this, because you respect and want to stand up for yourself. Respond with assertiveness, but don't give in to the hate. Confront her with equanimity and calmness, but also muster up the power from within and don't let somebody throw you around.
  4. Wtf this really works!!!! crazy stuff!! Thanks man! :oo
  5. My Vipassana Insights & Personal Experience Well, I'm back from the retreat! So much happened to me there. It's hard for me to convey the immensity of this whole experience. But I can try. So how was it? In short, it was difficult. During the whole course I was counting days and waiting for this sweet moment of sitting in the car back home and listening to some music. The first few days were especially hard for me. The second day was the worst. Out of these 10 days, there were only 3 in which I didn't cry once. What's funny is that every time I cried, I had a different reason for it hahaha. So for example one time I was crying (this was my second day) out of loneliness and general hopelessness and powerlessness. The thought of having to survive 8 more days was just overwhelming. But I managed to get through it. EFT Tapping helped me A LOT. I don't know if I'd survive all of this mentally if it weren't for that technique. Well, I probably would, but it'd be much harder. Also I feel like EFT Tapping had a good synergy with Vipassana, because while the meditation made all the emotions come to the surface, tapping would help me process them and integrate them. Other reasons for crying were things like: The feeling of disappointment in myself and high standards. Sometimes I was really struggling and couldn't meditate - I had to take 5, 10, even 15 minute breaks, because I couldn't handle it anymore. And I was blaming myself for it. I was on this 10-day retreat and I was supposed to derive as much value from it, but I was too weak and couldn't do it. (Still, I did very well I think.) Missing my friends and family. Having nobody to talk to. Sometimes I was worried that my mom caught the virus or something. Not loving my body, and not loving myself for not treating my body right. I have some problems with my back and posture. One of them is scapular winging. I don't like it about myself AND for a very long time now I didn't have the drive to do anything about it. How sad. Such laziness... Such lack of love for myself. I felt REALLY bad when I realized how wrongly I was judging others. I was saying very bad things, insulting other people from the course in my mind, both serving and sitting. Why? Probably because of my projections and my like of ridiculing others, which was a major survival strategy for me in my youth. I would pick some people to laugh at and turn others against them. You know, when you have a common enemy, you have a sense of community with the people you're laughing with. I know, this is so evil. I mean, I haven't really done that stuff for years now, but I did in my youth, and it came to the surface thanks to the meditation. And why was I crying? Because of how WRONG I was about these guys. They were SO KIND, CARING, COMPASSIONATE. THE SERVERS AND THE MANAGER WERE SO SELFLESS. I WAS CRYING OVER HOW EVIL IT WAS FOR ME TO THINK THESE THINGS ABOUT THEM. It melted my heart. During the later days I felt so much love for them, I wished them all the best things in the world. I told many of them this directly. "I hope you will be happy in life." (sounds better in polish) You know, before I left yesterday, there was one more person I had to tell this. The manager. It was almost my time to go and I was looking for him, because I very much wanted to tell him this. He showed me so much love when I told him that I was a bit sick - he gave me medicine, he asked me how I was feeling, he really cared. And so I was about to leave but then I saw him coming in the distance. I was happy, because I knew I would regret it if I didn't talk to him. I wanted to leave this retreat without any regrets. No loose ends. He was coming closer and I walked up to him and said: "Hey, before I go, there's just one more thing I wanted to tell you... I hope you experience all the best things in life." He was incredibly happy, he said he wished we would meet again, I said something, bla bla bla. And then we parted. I wasn't crying when I told him this. But every time I think about this now, I have tears in my eyes. I'm crying right now. What I said was so sincere and deep from my heart. I REALLY hope he experiences ALL the beauty, joy, love... I mean it. Never before have I said something so loving and so honest to another person. And to think I was judging him harshly before. My fucking god... Also I was crying like 3 times when I thought about the suffering of other people. How my father is in pain. He's very negative and toxic and I felt great compassion for him. I know he's dysfunctional. I know he's loveless. I was also crying because I realized that I too am lacking love and thus I cannot share some love with him, because I don't have enough of it myself. I wish I could save others. I wish I could save my father. Yesterday when I came back home he was very upset about something. I felt so much compassion that I decided to have a little talk with him (you should know that I usually don't talk with my father - due to his toxicity, I tend to ignore him and not even come out of my room. I want nothing to do with all his bullshit, arguing and bad vibes). He'd like to have more contact with me, but I usually just want to avoid him and his negativity. But now I hope I made him feel better. After I processed the feelings of disappointment in myself and general self-hatred, they faded and I haven't felt them since then. I don't think that they're totally gone. But I'm definitely a bit more free and self-appreciating now. Which is great! That's awesome haha Some other things and insights worth noting: During the course I observed impermanence a lot. How the days, meditation session were impermanent. They seemed sooo long, and yet they would pass ultimately. How interesting. How my life has already passed (18 years) and how soon it will pass completely. Damn, time is so weird. I was wondering what time is. It's kinda abstract, but I came to the conclusion that time is change. Literally change. Idk, that's just a small insight I had when sitting on a toilet between meditations LOL. Anyways, the impermanence of sensations in my body - every pain, every tension, every pleasant feeling rises and passes away. I was observing my pain and wondering "hmm, I wonder how long you will last, little buddy" and then it passed after some time. Fascinating! The impermanence of good and bad moods, feelings of love and feelings of depression. Every feeling will pass. And that's okay. I might feel complete love for the universe now, and then feel anxious in the afternoon. That's ok. That's just how it is. Everything that was born must die in the end! I will lose my math skills, lose my beautiful teeth of which I've always been lowkey happy of, my sight, my energy, my drive, everything... Well, shit! I thought a lot about my life. I feel like I've matured, at least a little bit. I want to care about myself more. Appreciate myself. During the course I was constantly motivated by my vision of becoming a wise, conscious intellectual. God, I love this vision. THIS was the Work. The suffering most people don't want to go through. Moreover, I want to take care of my body more. I want to correct my posture! I've had a new vision of becoming a strong, independent adult. (the adjectives might change, I'll have to think them through lol. I just want to seriously step into the life of maturity). No more, or at least much less fucking around. There's no time for that. I have to be growing myself, I gotta love more! I need to build strength to love. Become a fountain of love. And also a wise, conscious guy that understands reality in a deep, holistic way. Yeah, I'll be polishing my vision in the time to come. The meditation I was doing before the retreat seems so weak now. This was NOT a serious practice. I cannot go back now to meditating for fucking less than half an hour. No, no, no. One sessions lasts at least an hour for me now. And I'm planning to do two of them every day. Idk if this habit will last (well, nothing is permanent!), but I will at least try. I'll do my best. In the last days (10th day and the day of leaving) I felt so much love it's unbelievable. The most love I have ever felt in my life. Just total compassion for people around me and love for all beings and the world. I felt like I could sacrifice my life for them. This 10-day retreat has brought me a completely new perspective on life. The life of a monk. Completely dedicating oneself to the pursuit of discovering the Truth. The life of self-discipline, persistence. Working diligently, diligently. Diligently and persistently. (With the understanding of anicca, anicca, anicca) I mean, I'm not thinking seriously about ditching the western lifestyle and joining some monastery or center or sth. No, I just think there's SOME VALUE in this. It has its downsides, actually many of them, but it's a perspective, a very interesting one. And I'll be happy to live this lifestyle for 10 days every year. Yeah, I'm definitely planning to do another retreat. 10 days is just ~3% of the whole year. That's nothing. Yeah, the course was challenging, but I now know it was worth it. I'll be waiting for these days with excitement There are many more things to say, but I either can't remember them all now or I just don't want to say them, because they're not that significant. But I feel like I've expressed the core of my personal experience here. To sum up, the retreat was difficult and painful, but it was definitely worth it. I feel like I've worked through a lot of stuff and there's more love and less attachment and insecurity in me now. Seriously, I feel much lighter. I don't know if that'll be a long-term benefit, but even if not, still. I went through a lot. I've learned a lot. I've changed... at least a bit. But you know, small steps. I feel so happy. And I'm so proud of myself. I did it! I really did it!!!! Congratulations to me, hoorayyy!!! I'm now trying to adjust to normal life. What should I be doing with my time? That's the question I'm seeking to answer. Right now I'm planning to do some math (for fun, but also I'm planning to give private lessons and so I gotta get back on track), meet my friends, enjoy some basic pleasures such as good food, music, going to the gym or Leo's videos (can't wait to catch up on his ego stages videos) and also do some things that are necessary, like buy stuff I'll need for college (a laptop, for example). I'm looking forward to living my life. hahaha May all beings be happy ❤️
  6. Thank you I will try Btw, thanks for nudging me towards creating a dream board! I'm extremely grateful to you for it * * * * * * * * * * * * Quick little post before I go to sleep! I've been watching some videos on Vipassana tips and I've come across EFT Tapping. Just wanted to let you know that it's a GREAT technique that helped me not only with some emotional suffering (stress, worry, anger) but also with physical one (I healed myself from my intense arm pain I had after swimming). It might seem like bullshit at first but... just try it out, lol. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. I will DEFINITELY be using it on my retreat (cuz I feel like I will need it ) An incredibly informative post about tapping A video example Do research on it. It's worth it. I'll be back in (hopefully) 12 days. See ya.
  7. That's right. You don't deserve this. Find friends that inspire you and are on their own journey of self-growth. Don't cling to jealous people that bring you down. Pretty please 🙏 You deserve more.
  8. Oh heeeey, you're right! That's another great, maybe even better way to look at it. Thank you for this.
  9. Abstract art has seriously started to grow on me. I feel like my consciousness is raised when I'm watching it. It brings me closer to god. Look up "Thought-Forms" by Annie Besant. Good stuff, man I fell in love with it. Check some of these out: ^ Response to (religious) Devotion ^ The Intention to Know ^ Vague Pure Affection ^ Selfish Greed * * * * * * * * * * * * I started to love abstract art after my artistic awakening during my trip. I started to UNDERSTAND abstract art. See, in this type of art you need pick a special lens (the artist's perspective) to understand the artist's work. No, not "everybody could have painted this!!"... for the most part. People just don't understand it. I started to get this after drawing the tornadoes I showed you before. Like, literally anyone could do this, I was just doodling with my pen. But it's more than that. There is an IDEA (the tornadoes being ego, the self with a lower case "s", a clutter of thoughts, emotions, desires, insecurities, personality, etc.) and that's what matters. You will not get this unless you look at it from this perspective. * * * * * * * * * * * * One more thing regarding my artistic awakening: I MADE A DREAM BOARD!!!! Yea, I went to the mall and found one of these pin boards by accident. Then I recalled that I wanted to make a dream board, and so I bought it and got to work!! It's so beautiful. Man, I love it. It's so full of me. My personality is infused in this board. It moves me deeply - there are my deepest dreams, desires, goals... you get it. I'm not gonna show it to you yet, I don't feel like it. Besides, it's not fully finished (~80% is done). So great to make something with my own hands. Well, I mean, many of the icons and drawing on the dream board are printed, but I painted them, cut them, pinned them... and the overall board is my creation. I feel so creative. I'd love to live the creative life. After my Vipassana retreat, I'll definitely begin my Tornado Project (of drawing more tornadoes, lol - I have so many ideas! already told u some) * * * * * * * * * * * * Speaking of Vipassana, I'll be going on Wednesday. I already have almost everything bought, some girl from another city will give me a ride (she's pretty! I kinda worry that I won't be able to have a cool conversation with her. I mean, we'll be locked inside together for over 2 hours. I can't keep an interesting conversation with a frickin' human being for more than 5 minutes loool, fml) In August I haven't been meditating much. Or should I say, at all. Which is kinda... worrying...? Fuck Well, I'll get through it, and it'll be fun. Some other thoughts: Everything college related is almost done. I know where I'm going and I'm excited. I'm going to a private college (in Europe most colleges are public) and I'll be studying computer science. Still playing games sometimes, mostly at night. It's hard for me to specify how I've been feeling lately. I don't know. Weird. Unconscious. Sometimes creative, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in some thing, sometimes just trying to distract myself from being. This unconsciousness is kinda scary. I'm not even worried about the fact that I haven't been meditating or doing anything conscious (like conscious research, contemplation) in August. See, it's worrying that I'm not worried. Seriously frightening. What if sometime in my life I forget about conscious stuff at all and just live a life on autopilot? Please, no... No... I hope I'll get some cool insights on my Vipassana retreat. I'll most likely post them here. Well, talk to ya soon.
  10. My friends helped me rise to orange. It's incredibly valuable to have a community or a small group or simply some individual friends with "higher" values. Well, orange is not that high for me now, but it was then. Now I'm bathing (mostly) in green, while my friends are still in orange (and blue to a degree) and to be honest, I don't think they are going to be green anytime soon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. So how exactly did they help me evolve? Well, I became amazed with their individualism, achieving various goals, getting success and becoming an "opinionated individual", haha. I just wanted to be something better. I wanted to accomplish stuff and I started digging, reading self-help books, watching videos, etc. Soon I found Leo thanks to that and that's how my journey started
  11. LOL, you're right! Leo's blog is such a treasure, btw. So many gold nuggets! I just noticed he has a video on how to plug psychedelics. It's a worthwhile pursuit to go and read his older posts.
  12. I love your journal!! I feel excited for you! We share a lot of goals and I lowkey feel like we're on this journey together, lol. I feel motivated when I read about what you're going through! Makes me want to be better, more conscious and wise at life. Heck yeah! We're becoming independent adults, growing ourselves, striving for deeper understanding and integrating stuff. And obviously I love your complex approach to life and your long posts, haha. What a wonderful perspective! Genuinely fascinating. Keep being yourself ❤️ Love!! *virtual high-five*
  13. ^ mood 💃❤️ What can I tell you? Life's been so weird for me lately. Sometimes conscious, but more often than not the opposite, lol. What the hell am I doing? I broke! I've been playing games all week (A LOT). But maybe it's for the better? I'm going on a Vipassana retreat in 12 days, so possibly it's good that I'm experiencing this "lowest point" right now. After this week full of games, I don't have much desire to waste it on that anymore. Today I haven't played much. I went swimming with my sister, browsed the forum, did some shit. Nothing special. Yesterday I had a thought: am I falling into an ideological bubble? I'm watching Kyle Kulinski and the Rational National pretty much everyday and I realized that I'm more and more adopting their perspective! Suddenly I'm kinda cynical about the political system and I lowkey despise the Democratic Party for being god damn corporatists and not caring about the people. But this is just a perspective. I'm definitely missing something! I'm not looking at this from a higher perspective. Dammit!!! Gotta be more yellow, haha. It's so funny to me that I'm this frickin' rollercoaster. Obviously I didn't do the Work that day, and I started playing games again! You literally CANNOT believe anything I say I'm going to do because I might change my mind (along with the change of my mood) a minute later. On Monday I'll know where I will be going to college. Pretty exciting, right? Riiiiight? Well I don't really care much rn. I just want to vibe. Interesting thing I noticed about myself: when I walk around my neighbourhood and look pretty good that day, I always hope to meet some people I care about. Like that cute girl I talked about a long time ago. Or maybe my classmate that I liked very much. Is it the case that I want to be appreciated? Possibly. Most likely not looked up to, but appreciated. Gosh, I desire love so much. I want to give love to people that matter to me. I want to care about a girl. Hug her and kiss her on the forehead. I crave close relationships and affection. Well, at least I have some friends I love! I'm not alone. Although I kinda feel like I am. Lately I've become more compassionate and loving. I started giving money to homeless people. Sometimes when I walk by and I see a man that looks like he's been unfortunate in life I wish to help him so much! I HOPE that he asks me to give him some money. Besides homeless people, I sometimes help people in need, for example when there's a woman that carries something that's too heavy for her. One time I carried a box full of flour for some lady just because I wanted to help her... out of love. I didn't expect anything in return and I have never told anyone about this. I was just so happy to help. I just want to help. I wish I could save people from their misery. I feel so much compassion for addicts, poor people, people with mental or physical health problems and the weak in general.... god dammit ;-; Sometimes I imagine people crying before my eyes and me hugging and comforting them. Sometimes I imagine giving conscious advice to people that need it and helping them in some way. Sometimes I imagine defending some weak guy from a bully and comforting him. Yeah. Or maybe it's about ME, really? I mean, I don't think so, but it seems like a possibility. I will have to contemplate on that... Shit. I don't have much interesting to say. Everything's been so weird. I haven't been doing anything productive or conscious in the recent days. What the hell is going on? What do I do with my life? How do I live the good life? FUCK, sometimes I'm ecstatic, sometimes I just want to cry, just like now. What the hellllllllllllll :/// end my suffering already! From time to time I lie on my bed and think to myself: I'd like to just die right now... Not like kill myself, but just die. Dissolve into light, like in my dream I had one time (the feeling of death was the most pleasant thing I have experienced, I think). During my psychedelic trip, I lay on the blanket on the floor and said out loud "strike me... just end me right now". But nothing happened lol. Again, don't take this the wrong way, I do NOT have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I simply wish I died in peace.
  14. I second that! I've had this same attitude my whole life. Has it been working out for me? Well, it has led to conversations in which I'm not interested in at all. People telling me about shit I don't care about lol (unless they're my friends, then I do care obviously). So lately I've been trying out the extrovert strategy and actually it's very fun to talk about myself! Everyone loves blabbering about themselves, haha. How selfish we are.
  15. You're basically asking about the cores of the stages. Just do the research, bro. You'll understand this on a deeper level if you do it yourself.