soos_mite_ah

Brittany Simon I have been watching her content on and off for the last year or so and I want to unpack my takeaways. Brittany Simon does philosophy through pop culture through a leftist lens. I do enjoy her videos and the way that it makes me think and challenge my own views and sense of progressivism. I like the way that she has forced me to stop, think and deconstruct various things, especially when it comes to ableism. I'll be honest, while I'm good on deconstructing things related to patriarchy, racism, capitalism, clasism etc. (I always have room for improvement, don't get me wrong) I'm not the best at recognizing my ableism which can sometimes bleed into the capitalism bit, but also it can show up with the way that I view mental health and neurodivergence. And I think Brittany can be really good at pointing out my own blindspots in the creators I enjoy watching even if I think she can be a bit nitpicky about things. I watched a lot of Chelsea's content and I watched Chelsea's video before watching Brittany's. I didn't initially think there was anything wrong with Chelsea's video but I'm glad that after watching Brittany, I was more aware on how unconscious biases around ableism for mental health can come up. While I don't agree with everything Brittany has to say, I do appreciate her perspective and the perspective of her comment section. I think it's very constructive and on some ways, I feel like I intellectually met my match through her content. My take is the following: I think there is a difference between policing people’s bodies and saying “hey, something is off.” You can talk about people’s bodies but it has to do with what you’re saying and why. I agree, calling Ariana scary or gross looking is not okay. But saying that this degree of thinness is indicative of something like an eating disorder especially with how the beauty standard is coming back around to be thinner than before (thin isn’t back in, it always was, we just went from bbl skinny in the 2010s back to heroine chic skinny in 2020s). I also agree that the internet is probably not the best place to do this and that it’s up to people who are closer to the individual who is suffering to address this rather than randos making think pieces. At the same time, I think weaponizing the progressive language of “don’t talk about women’s (or anyone’s) bodies” is a problem. It’s like, are you saying that to shut down constructive commentary and enabling the person or are you actually doing this out of care for the other person. There is a difference between saying “hey I’m observing a trend in the wicked cast members, what’s up with that?” and shutting that down with “don’t talk about women’s bodies. Versus being on the Marvel movie press tours where men often have to do very extreme diets and workout routines and asking about the workout regimen of the actors not in a concerned way but in a way to glorify unsustainable and potentially unhealthy practices. I think in that situation saying “don’t talk about bodies” is constructive. Finally, I think it’s a good point to bring up that people who are suffering shouldn’t be isolated, don’t deserve lose their jobs etc. At the same time, I think being in the public eye as a public figure as opposed to a private citizen is a different ball game. I do think if you are so in the depths of your eating disorder to where you are incredibly skinny that you need to take some time out of the public eye. I don’t think that applies the same way if you’re incredibly overweight and are struggling with your health because thinness is glorified and promoted. Brittany was mainly talking about how Chelsea's video was riddled with weird language such as describing Ariana as scary and gross, and likening going to Ariana's concerts as going to a human zoo because of her current state. She also stressed on how we shouldn't talk about people's bodies at all under any circumstance and that those conversations are only for Ariana and those who are close to her. Finally, she made a point to emphasize on how people with mental health issues are often isolated due to stigma and that no one deserves to lose their job due to such things or that they still deserve to be in the public eye. Again, I appreciate a lot of Brittany's views and I think it supplements my own view on the ethics of talking about such things and how to approach these topics. But I do have things that I disagree with her in the details. And yes, the video above did initially feel a bit nitpicky and annoying in the leftist purity testing way. But I do think that the nitpickiness does have a place in the broader information ecosystem in that it forces us to not skip over the details and refine our view of progressivism. It's about having higher standards for ourselves and the people around us. This is another video that I watched today. I think the basis of this video makes sense. I agree that fashion is political and we should be mindful of what kind of statements that we make and what kinds of identities we are signalling towards because of the way that can impact the people around us. I agree that wearing suits and just in general, what is considered professional attire is intertwined with things like racism, facism, and white supremacy. I agree that with Hasan specifically that the suits are more of a costume rather than something that he is putting on authentically and I like the way that Brittany opens up conversation and critique around this. I like the way that she talks about respectability politics and what the suit actually conveys. What I disagree with is saying that wearing a suit is fascism. I think that's too broad and bold of a statement to make. I also think that in politics, there is an element of having to choose your own battles and frame your stances in a way that gets most people on board. As far as choosing your own battles, I think you need to choose whether you want to appeal to conservatives and have them also be receptive to your message and build a broader coalition or if you want to embrace being your authentic self and push against conservative norms around professionalism. And personally, I think the former is a bigger fish to fry in 2026. If Hasan wearing a suit can make a conservative grandma see the importance of universal healthcare and cause her to not vote for Trump, that's more important and more urgent than dying your hair unnatural colors to push against the white supremacy of professional dress codes. I think we can fight the "what is considered professional" and unravel that from white supremacy another day but nevertheless, I do appreciate the conversation that was had. When it comes to the framing, I can see why this would be considered coddling the conservative grandmas and playing into the respectability politics instead of calling out said grandmas and demanding that they don't judge people who dress unconventionally. I also agree that changing your look isn't always going to gurantee acceptance in certain circles (Megan Markle for example) and that some people are still going to judge your harshly and not take you seriously. At the same time, I think that in order to get things done and get the ball rolling to change minds, you do need to meet people where they're at and sometimes, framing things in a way that is more favorable to them can change some minds even if all minds aren't going to be changed. Another thing that I like about Brittany's content is the way that she emphasizes the need to be adult in the room and to take yourself seriously (I don't have specific videos to point to but this is something that is emphasized in a lot of her work). I think this message on one hand really resonates with me but on the other hand challenges me. The part that resonates is the notion that as you get older, you need to increase your maturity and increase the accruacy of your world view so that you can adequately guide future generations and be a safe, reliable person people can go to. I think this also challenges me because I've never been good at taking myself seriously. I have journaled about this in the past and I have written the way this shows up for me in some specific instances as well as why this is a problem: I do think another aspect of Brittany's content I don't resonate with is how autistic she is. I don't mean this in a bad way, nothing wrong with the tism. I mean this in a way to address my own biases and ways that I might misinterpret Brittany, not agree with the way that she approaches some topics or situations, or find her delivery a bit annoying (even if it's correct). I think I am picking up on the black and white thinking, the intense orientation towards justice, mixed with some remenants in her religious Catholic upbringing when I catch myself thinking she's nitpicking too much or that she is getting caught up in leftist purity politics. At the same time, I try to push past this initial annoyance to try to understand where she's coming from and if I find myself feeling like I disagree, I try to articulate it to myself and see if that is coherent or if there are things that she's picking up on that I'm just not. For example, with the first video that I linked above with the Ariana Grande issue, I did find myself feeling a little annoyed. I will admit that part of it was her disagreeing with a content creator I like and that it was poking at my own blindspots. I did again, find it was nitpicky. But in defense of the nitpickiness, we need to have higher standards for ourselves and the people around us. And yes, I did disgree with her on some aspects, but I made sure that the disagreements were coming from a more constructive place as opposed to me just being a hater and not looking at my own issues.

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

Supernanny My boyfriend and I have been watching episodes of Supernanny after one of the crazy episodes ended up on his YouTube recommended lists. We found these episodes to be very entertaining and it would usually take us twice as long to finish an episode because we would keep pausing the show every 5 minutes or so to comment on what's going on, laugh at these situations, and speculate on what the parents are probably dealing with off screen. I feel like we have had a lot of good conversations from this show and that we have like a few inside jokes between us from some of the feral kids. Ngl, I do feel like watching these episodes feel like emotional birth control to me. Honestly, I think the kids are funny since they aren't my own lol. I remember watching this show in the early 2000s as a child and I remember watching these other feral kids and laughing at them for their behaviors. And I think my parents would occasionally tune in thinking *thank god that isn't our family.* Now that I'm an adult, I think I'm engaging with the contents of the show and the dynamics with the familes much more. I'm also noticing on how so many of these episodes the dads are often not present in the kids lives as a proper parent and the mom is doing most of the work. I also noticed how there are no familes in this show that consist of an only child and two parents. Which did feel like a boost to my ego because growing up, I was always made to feel weird about being an only child and I have heard that if you only have one kid, that is a sign for dysfunction. Welp... let's just say that none of the only child familes were so out of control to where they ended up on a reality TV show. I noticed that most of the episodes had 3-5 kids, if not more, and the parents are often really young (like they are in their early 30s and started popping out kids in their early 20s). In my opinion, 3 kids is the most you can have without neglecting your kids and each kid you add, it doesn't multiply the chaos rather it exponentially increase it. Like 1 kid is hard, but 2 kids is like 4x as hard and 3 kids is like 12x as hard. It gets "easier" after kid 4 from the parents perspective and I put "easier" in quotes because usually after kid 4, there is neglect and parentification happening to the older kids who then have to step in and be an additional set of parents to their younger siblings. Like if I ever have a kid, I'm going to be one and done. I don't want to deal with siblings fighting and feeding off of each other. I definitely don't want to neglect or parentify anyone. And I would much rather give my one kid a good parent than be a mediocre or shitty parent just so that they can have the sibling experience. I think a lot of the episodes have 3 or more kids because that adds to the chaos factor in the show which means more content tbh. There is only so much mayhem one kid can cause lol. I have noticed the ages of the parents where the young parents are typically more chaotic. I don't blame them. It's really difficult to know proper parenting at that age when you're still figuring out your life, how to navigate the adult world, and where you belong within it. I feel like I notice that more now that I'm in my 20s and it feels crazy sometimes on how some of the parents that have 4 kids are like 2-3 years older than me (or like in the video above, the parents are younger than me). Also, regardless of the parents ages, I like on how in all of the episodes, Jo, the nanny, calls out the parents and their dysfunctional parenting and relationships instead of blaming the kids. That confrontation is always satisfying. Finally, I like how the show displays healthy parenting and the process of teaching healthy parenting. I know Supernanny US ran from 2005 to 2011 and according to various reddit posts, while some of the techniques are helpful, they also either need to be supplemented with additional strategies or be updated to more current parenting knowledge. That said, it's helpful to see these things in practice with kids that aren't super well behaved. And I think, given the timing of the show, it's an important stepping stone to get away from the commonly held belief at the time where the only way to incorporate discipline is to yell or spank your kid. Even if I decide not to be a parent, I still think that some of this stuff is important to know about because I'm going to have people in my life who do have kids and I think after a certain age, part of being an adult is being a reliable figure that people, especially kids, can go to. I do think it's interesting that Jo Frost doesn't have any kids of her own and only has a step-grandson even though she filmed multiple Supernanny shows. I watched the podcast below of her talking about her experience with the show as well as the critiques she has gotten over the years. One of my favorite parts is when she gets the question along the lines of "what do you have to say for people who critque you giving parenting advice when you don't have kids of your own?" and her answer was "do you need to have cancer to be a doctor?" I think people are quick to critique childfree people on their takes on how kids are treated because they assume that they don't understand what the parents are going through. And don't get me wrong, I can understand the defensiveness that can come from the frustration and the stresses of parenthood and how it can be such an intense experience to where people stress relatability as a barometer of empathy. At the same time, I think child free people can take a step back and assess the situation more accurately because they aren't as caught up in the chaos. Plus, childfree people were all children once as well and they can still drawn on various life experiences when dealing with kids. I like how Jo emphasized that you don't need your own biological children to care about the well being of other kids and be a stable and active figure in a kids life. Overall, I do genuinely think that she cares about the kids that she works with and that she did approach this show ethically which I respect immensely especially given the general trends in the reality TV sphere. I also watched another episode of Supernanny recently and then when I scrolled down on the comments, I found out that the eldest daughter in the show has her own social media and spoke about her experience filming the episode as well as how it impacted their family about 10 years later. It sounds like it was a really positive experience and that the production was genuinely trying to help. It was interesting to get additional context and the additional experiences they had with Jo when it came to working out the family issues. I think some things got left out because of the air time in this particular instance but I also noticed in other episodes things being left out or vaguely alluded to for the sake of privacy for the families. But I think it's good that the familes still got help off camera and it was even more in depth than what you see on the episodes.

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.

An Increase in Empathy I think as I have been thinking more about whether or not I should become a parent that I have gotten a deeper sense of empathy towards the people around me. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a sense of empathy for most people but I think now, I'm thinking from the lens of *what would it be like to be the parent of this person?* or *what would it be like to parent under these circumstances?* For example, a few weeks ago there was a shooting near me and a few people were shot. Of course there is the layer of empathy around how messed up this was, what was this like for the individuals that were harmed, how this is impacting the community and the people around me. But then, I caught myself thinking things along the lines of "imagine being a parent and then decades later, your kid gets shot" , "what are the possible parental and community level enabling that caused the shooter to do what he did since his actions don't exist in a vacuum," "imagine getting shot and then you have to recover and still parent your kids. Also, imagine what it's like for the kids to witness this." I also think over the years I have found myself looking at my elementary, middle, and high school years more fondly. Not in a romanticized "I wish I could go back" kind of way but in a "I might not have liked everyone from those years but now as an adult, I no longer harbor any ill feelings towards those kids and I genuinely wish them well." I find myself thinking about random people and thinking about what was going on at home in addition to school that was contributing to them acting the way they are or what it must have been like being their parents. I feel like I especially think of this when I think of my friends who had young parents (I'm talking their parents had them when they were in their teens or late 20s) and how that impacted my friends growing up and into adulthood. Like "what was it like having to have a kid at 18 and then having to go to college plus figure out your adult life while having to raise a kid?" or "what was it like for the grandparents involved having to look after the grandkids after dealing with their child's teen pregnancy?" Or when something awful happens to either the parent or the child, I'm like "damn, and you still gotta go home and raise those damn kids. What do you have to do in order for your parenting to accommodate this so that this event doesn't taint the way you're raising them." Then I think of the kids that I didn't really get along with when I was a kid. I mainly had trouble getting along with the "trouble makers" which ranged from kids who were doing drugs, not paying attention in school, the hot cheeto girls that would intimidate me, and the like. And I think about what I would have had to do from the parent's perspective to correct their behavior, to understand them, and encourage them in their interests. I really don't like how some adults would label some kids as good or bad, or how they would label some kids as the problem child, the smart one , the pretty one etc. because now that I'm an adult, I can see how that create a complex in the kid and how that can show up in a variety of ways well into adulthood. That's not to say that you can't compliment you kid on being smart or pretty or that you have to enable you kid by not calling out their bad behavior as bad but it is to say that writing them off or forming their identity around that is pretty fucked up. And I think as the kid who didn't know better, I also fell into the pattern that the adults around me were exhibiting on labeling some kids as the trouble makers, the dumb ones, the smart ones, the successful ones, the quiet good ones, etc. Now as an adult, I try not to do the same thing for other kids. For example, my boyfriend has a friend, who has another friend who has a kid. The kid is like 8 years old now and the mom had him when she was like 19. The kid is a little bit chaotic and rambunctious and I think my boyfriend and his friend has a knee jerk reaction to say that he is a bad kid. And on the surface, I can see how from the perspective of the parent he is not one of the easier kids to raise and how especially if you had to deal with the difficulties of parenthood from such a young age, that you probably aren't well equipped to handle such situations, which makes the kid and situation more frustrating. But at the same time, I don't think this kid is "bad." I think he is largely acting out because of the instability of the mom's life. This led led to the kid having incosistent attention from his dad (and eventually the dad abandoning him all together), constant moving, strange men coming in an out of the house, and a mom who is trying really hard to figure out her own shit to where he gets neglected or is causing the kid to be on the receiving end of less than ideal parenting. And I'm not looking down on the mom either. Don't get me wrong, I do disagree with her on a lot of things and I don't like the way she handles some situations, but I can have some empathy for her seeing that she really is doing her best (even if it's not great). As a woman, I can empathize with the pressures put on her, the bullshit she has had to go through, and how a life event like this has moved around her prospects in life and the extent to which she was able to grow and develop as a person. It's not to excuse the way she's raising her kid but it is to give additional context and understanding of the situation. Like I think a lot of kids who act up is a combination of their surroundings and life circumstances, the way they are being parented, age appropriate behaviors, and also the temperment. Out of the 4 factors, only one is personal and up to chance 100%. The surroundings/ life circumstances, and parenting skills can be controlled and prepared for to a certain extent. And the age appropriate behaviors is just markers of developmentally healthy tendencies that shouldn't be taken personally but should still be corrected and taken seriously. Like yes, it's normal for 4 year olds to be egocentric tantrum monsters. That doesn't mean you take their actions personally, see them as evil, or think you're a bad parent. But you still do need to discipline them so they know right from wrong and so they can continue developing in an age appropriate way. Speaking of age appropriate behaviors, I do think the whole "you're kid is so mature and calm for their age" isn't necessarily a good thing or a proxy for good parenting. Sure, on the surface it can look like it because it carries this notion that you must have done something right for them to behave. But, having a quiet kid can be the by product of a lot of things. Maybe that particular kid's way of dealing with instability is being quiet and standing in the corner because they're anxious, while another kid with a different temperment's way of dealing with the same situation is to act out. Maybe, the kid is more mature for their age because their parents are making them responsible for adult issues and they're forced to grow up faster. Maybe the kid is really anxious and terrified of the parents because the parents are abusive. Don't get me wrong, I do think in some situations, kids can be healthy, calm, and well regulated because the parents are doing something right like providing them a stable environment, modeling good habits, soothing the kid to where they learn to soothe themselves, etc. But as a parent, you can do all of those things and still have your kid act out in age appropriate ways and have that be healthy. If anything, if I encounter a pair of 3 year olds from different parents, and one of the kids is acting like a normal 3 year old/ having tantrums, while the other kid is too scared to do anything or show any emotions, even thought the second kid is seen as "easier to raise" I'm more worried about the second kid as opposed to the first kid. Sometimes, considering the parents having good parenting habits and are raising the kid in a good environment, the kid acting out is indicative that they are comfortable around the parents and are alright with sharing their emotions, which is a good thing. But yeah, it's not as simple as having a good quiet kid who always behaves well in public versus having a bad kid who is like the human equivalent of an agressive chihuahua.

Bruh... both of these kinds of parents creep me tf out. And even if you don't subscribe to this shit, the way that the rest of the community and society enables this type messaging for young kids is soooo gross

The Dream vs The Fantasy I think one of the difficult parts of me trying decipher if I want to be a parent is this notion of giving up my dreams to be with a man who is child free or doubting if this is my dream at all in the first place. And I think the word dream is an interesting word. It's not something tangible (yet) and it is something aspirational. Similarly, I think the situation I'm in is difficult because there is this notion that I'm giving up my very tangible relationship in the hopes of the potential of having a kid which is completely hypothetical at this time. There is also the aspirational element in regards to the work I will need to put in and what I will need to align to actualize my goal of becoming a good parent. I think there is also a nuance in this intangibility. I think the difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is something that can be actualized while a fantasy tends to ignore reality or paint it with rose colored glasses. I don't think I'm buying into the fantasy of being a parent because of the ways that I'm factoring in the difficult aspects of parenthood and the way that I'm deconstructing my potential unhealthy/ selfish reasons for being a parent. In doing so, I'm grappling with the reality of parenthood and I'm trying to make a well informed decision regarding if this is good path for me. However, a lot of people decide to become a parent because of the fantasy they have of the kid. That can include but not be limitted to wanting a mini me, having a very specific idea of of what they want the kid to be like or look like, wanting parenthood to fulfill an unmet need etc. I have written in the past about the importance of analyzing fantasies that we might have: And while I do think analyzing my desires for parenthood falls more so in the dream category rather than the fantasy category, I think it can be helpful to analyze the fantasy aspect of this desire. I think my fantasy around being a parent has to do with my desire to have a sense of community and be an elder who guides a kid (or kids). In this fantasy, I have a kid who I'm guiding through various aspects of life. It might be my biological kid, it might not be. I have a good life that I have built for myself that I can share with another person. I'm sharing my stories and my experiences with them. And I get to see the world from a fresher set of eyes from them and their experiences. While I am a guide, I also get to learn along with them, not only because they teach me but because parenthood itself teaches me. A fantasy often collapses complexity and sees the ideal in question as an antidote (or the only antidote) to a problem. A dream tends to survive contact with reality because you still want something even after you understand the cost. I think the fantasy aspect of my desire comes from how I'm lacking a sense of community as of right now and that certain areas of my life feels a little stagnant. My fantasy revolves around building a good life for myself and nurturing various kinds of human connection. I don't think it's fundamentally coming from a sense of lack but it's coming from my life values as a whole. I think the dream aspect of my desire is still something I'm exploring in all the ways that my dream can still stand the test of various life obstacles. I can also see different ways that I can fufill my goals of having a sense of community, being a guide, having kids in my life apart from being a parent or adopting a parental role. I can volunteer. I can be a close friend. I can be more involved in my extended family. But I guess I still wonder what it is that still brings be back to seeing parenthood as the most viable path. Maybe it's because of societal conditioning on various levels? Maybe it could be an actual solid underlying desire or dream? I don't know, I'm still figuring that out.

Elements of Unconventional and Wacky Families After writing out the previous post, I wanted to reflect which factors are at play when I characterize a family as wacky. Unique backgrounds and unexpected cultural mixes Reasons why people might get divorced apart from common norms (i.e being gay and dealing with comhet issues) Differences in timing (having kids young, old, or around the same time as your peers) Blended families and having a sense of familial love regardless of biological relations Coparenting and not being romantically involved with your coparent (ie. due to you getting divorced from the kid's biological parent, having your kids be raised by a different family members apart from the biological parents, having your friend be a part of raising the kid, being adopted etc.) Cults and religious extremism I think overall, these factor contridict from heteronormativity and the nuclear family where a family is rigidly defined as 2 parents who had 2-3 kids in the 30s and that's it. I feel like listing this out as well as the previous post has helped me not have as rigid of an idea of what a family might look like for me in the future and what parenthood needs to look like. Don't get me wrong, I still have an ideal on the desired conditions I want to be a parent (i.e. I don't want to have a kid in my 20s and if I do have kids, I hope that my partner or I don't end up passing away while the kid is still a kid), but I think this has helped me create a more open mind as to different ways to go about parenthood as well as different factors that would have to be considered if I were to make a life decision like this.

Unconventional and Wacky Families Given how funny the thought of DILF hunting in my late 30s / early 40s was, my mind went to other places in regards to other interesting families I have met over the years. 1. My Indian History Professor: My Indian history professor in college was a white lady who grew up in a trailer park. She got into Indian history because it was like an escape and rebellion from her conservative redneck family. She met her husband in college and got pregnant while she was doing her PhD. Her husband is half Indian, half white and grew up in the Hare Krishna cult and his South Asian half is from Fiji. The guy also has an interesting look. Despite being half white, he just looks straight up South Asian. He has a beard and waist length curly hair which kind of makes him look like one of those meditation gurus you see on TV but then he's like dressed casually and has two tattoo sleaves. He's a middle school music teacher. Those two have a kid who despite being only one quarter South Asian still looks fully South Asian. The kid is also transgender and travels around during the summer with his mom and was in my study abroad group. The kid is pretty tall and pretty mature / calm and as a result blended in with the college students despite being like 13. Anyways, pretty much the whole family seems pretty chill and self aware. They all also regularly go to therapy which I think contributes to that. 2. My best friend from the 5th grade: I had a friend in the 4th grade who was a product of teen pregnancy. Her parents had her when they were like 16 and had her younger brother a few years later. The dad was still in their lives and they had a co-parenting situation going on. He was a paramedic. I don't remember what exactly the mom did but I did remember at one time she was working in a restaurant temporarily. We were all going to a private school by the way and my friend was very smart and kind of a book worm. What was interesting was my friend's living situation. Her mom (let's just call her Jennifer) had a friend who also had two kids when she was young. Jennifer for sure was straight and she tried dating other guys but after a while, she gave up and so did her friend. So as a result, Jennifer decided to move in with her friend and rent out a 4 bedroom house (this was the early 2000s and I am curious on how the finances worked in that household. The house hold consisted of Jennifer, her friend, and a total of 4 children. Jennifer had her own room. Her friend had her own room. My friend had her own room since she was the only girl and needed some privacy as she was going into her preteen years . And then the 3 little boys all shared a room. They were around 7-9 years old and were basically like the 3 stooges lol. Lowkey, moving in with a friend and coparenting with them to where both of your kids are kind of like siblings sounds like a vibe. I think Jennifer cooked with that one. The kids were also homeschooled after a while because the school district in our area was shit and I think after elementary school, they didn't have money for private school anymore. I also remember Jennifer really hating Fox News and not really liking religion all that much lol. I also have a memory of going to that house for my friend's 11th birthday and playing with the other kids in the house as well as her homeschool friends. I remember us all playing Kirby Return to Dreamland on the Wii and us getting stuck on one of the levels so we just went up to her mom and we were like "Miss Jennifer, we're stuck on this level, can you help us?" And then she played on the Wii with us for a while. In a lot of ways, she was like the fun mom. Now that I'm 26, I found myself thinking about Jennifer and how I'm like her age now. Like she was probably 26-27 at the time my friend was turning 11. And I found myself thinking *damn, here I am having an existential crisis about becoming a parent in the future while I'm low key old enough to have a house filled with 11 year olds for a birthday party.* Anyways, I wonder how my baddie Jennifer is doing. 3. My Friend from Middle School Whose Parents Got Divorced: My friend came from a religious family. But they were like the progressive kind of relgious where they genuinely believed in loving thy neighbor. Both of her parents were in support of gay rights and they didn't shop in Walmart because of the labor practices. Both parents were priests. The divorce happened because the mom ended up being gay and turns out they were holding the marriage together long enough to be able to raise the kids to where they would be old enough to not be totally traumatized with what's going on. The divorce occurred when my friend was in the 8th grade (so like 14) and her brothers were about to graduate highschool. Later on, I found out that her eldest brother (or I guess now sister) came out as transgender a few years later. I think mom was probably under a lot of pressure from her religious upbringing so she ended up in the comhet category to the point where got married to a man and had 3 kids. From what I could tell, my friend had some issues for the first few months processing the whole thing and dealing with the logistics of a situation like this but generally speaking, the divorce was amicable. 4. Interesting Mixed Couples: I know a couple who is my parents age where the dad is Bangladeshi and the mom is from Laos (mind you, the South Asian community is weird about mixed couples and that was even more so the case in the 80s and 90s when this couple got married). The dad works for Lockheed Martin and the mom's entire family has been voting for the Republican party since she came to the country in the 70s during the Vietnam War. From what I understand, their family fell for the propoganda around the Red Scare in the U.S. after dealing with their own share of trauma in their home country. The house hold consisted of the parents, their two kids, and the dad's parents. The mom had most of her family in Texas as well. As a result, both kids were pretty connected to both sides of their heritage. I just remember that every time I went to their house, the food was bomb and I got to play with their dogs. Another couple who is parents age consisted of the dad who is Bangladeshi and Muslim and the mom is a white woman from a trailer park. The mom fully converted to Islam and cut off her family. She's also like 6ft tall while her husband is around my height (5'2"). They have a kid who was taller than me by the time she turned 9 years old. I also have heard stories of a number of South Asian people having interracial marriages before interracial marriages got legalized in the US because they passed themselves off as different ethnicities and the white people didn't know better. Some of them were white passing, black passing, or just blended in with hispanic people. I also met a girl who was half hispanic and half indian and her family was from Guyana. I just thought that was culturally interesting. 5. I met this guy in college who had 6 siblings and they were raised in a Christian cult: His parents got sucked into it during the Satanic Panic during the 80s. Also, among the 7 kids, 3 of them are gay and 2 of them are REALLY homophobic and are following in the parents footsteps in the cult. The guy I met was one of the 2 straight kids who didn't want to be a part of the cult anymore and was basically trying to help his gay siblings to get out while covering for them. 6. My dad had a step-grandma: So apparently, my great grandma passed away young and then my great grandpa got married shortly after because he needed someone to take care of the kids and because he thought the kids were too young to inherit anything if god forbid anything happened to him. Like most marriages at the time in South Asia, it was more of a business transaction/ arrangement rather than something rooted in romantic love. The crazy part is that my dad didn't know that his grandma wasn't biologically related to him until after she passed away and his dad (my grandpa) told him. The reason why my dad had no clue was because his step grandma loved all her kids and her grandkids as her own despite having no biological connection. The story isn't super crazy but you also got to consider that this was Bangladesh in like the 1930s to 1960s. 7. My grandma was raised by her brothers: My grandma on my dad's side didn't really know her parents. Her mom died after giving birth to her younger sister and then her dad died shortly after. My grandma had 4 brothers and 4 sisters. And of the 9 kids, she was the second to youngest. Her eldest brother was like 22 years older than her and basically stepped in as a guardian for all the siblings at 25. As a result, my grandma had a pretty relaxed childhood and didn't have to deal with a lot of the societal expectations women had in her time. The siblings also inherited a large amount of money and weren't struggling financially. As a result of the money and how chill my grandma's older brothers were, they let her go to college. Out of the 5 sisters in the family, my grandmother was the only one that pursued a higher education. The others had the option to, they just didn't, My grandma basically treated college as a side quest before getting married to my grandpa. She graduated in like the late 1930s with a college degree which is pretty wild in my opinion. 8. Blended families: This isn't so much weird but it's interesting to think about as someone who is only 26. I have a couple of coworkers in the 50s who got married again in their 40s and both they and their partners have kids from different marriages. I have heard them talk about their familes and it's interesting watching them navigate the dynamics between the kids as well as the baby mama drama. I also know a girl who is 2 years older than me who is dating a guy who has a 4 year old kid from a different relationship. She's currently navigating the relationship and trying to get to know the mom from the previous relationship as well as bonding with the kid. 9. Young Parents: This isn't so much weird but I guess it's more so unconventional in my eyes. My parents and the extended family I grew up around are on the older end so I have been surrounded by old people growing up. So when I hear stories about people being raised by young parents or people becoming young parents, that's always interesting and a bit wild to me. I have coworkers who are like a couple years older than me who are already parents. I have one coworker who I was sure was atleast a decade older than me who is married, has 4 kids, and a mortgage and I remember when I found out she was around my age, I was pretty shocked. I also have another coworker who is 2 years older than me and she has a 5 year old. I wouldn't say that I'm super close to this person but we do talk sometimes about things going on in our lives and I feel like she and I have the same existential crisis and are navigating the same stage of life but it puts things into perspective because she's doing everything with a child. Like if I'm having a bad day, I can just eat a banana split for dinner and go to bed. If she was having the same kind of bad day, she would still have to fulfill her responsibilities as a parent instead of being able to just eat ice cream and fall asleep. Of course, I think being teen parents is wild but I also think having a kid in your 20s counts as "having kids young" because you're navigating so many life transitions and you're learning to navigate the adult world in that decade. And adding the responsibility of parenthood on top of that is not an easy thing and that can lead to a ton of complications and interesting dynamics. 10. I had a friend who was adopted: She was Chinese and was given up for adoption due to China's one child policy. She was raised in a conservative white family. She also has a sister who was also adopted from a different Chinese family. The white family consisted of her mom and her grandma. The mom passed away when she was 11. I remember listening to how she viewed her adoption as well as how other girls who were adopted due to the one child policy were also impacted.

So Y'all Break Up... Now What? I feel like I'm torn between chosing the love of my life and my future kid. One is a very established, happy, and fulfilling relationship. The other, is a hypothetical, a figment of my imagination. Part of me thinks that I should go with what's in front of me because it's solid and reliable. Another part of me wants to challenge myself and think bigger about my prospects in life outside of this relationship. After all, I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man. The hypothetical nature of this question is part of the challenge. There is a chance that I might not become a parent after breaking up with this person because I don't find a man worthy of reporducing with in time. There is a chance that years from now, I change my mind yet again and decide to not have a kid after all. And then, that means I threw away a perfectly good relationship for nothing. There is a chance that I do meet someone new and I do end up having a kid with them. But also... maybe it's because I'm still in this relationship.... it feels gross to even think about having a kid with someone who isn't my current partner. I love this man so much that the thought of having a kid with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Perhaps I would have a different view after I break up and mourn the relationship. But then I also think about the possibility of dating again and how rough the streets are. And maybe this has to do with the break up process and getting to a point of being able to date again in a healthy way. Like I feel that even if I get over the phase where I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm ready to move on, if I enter dating too quickly and get fucked over, I would just turn into The Joker. Like what do you mean I left the beauty and comfort of my relationship with X to get ghosted or cheated on by some fuckboy on Hinge? But also, what if I get married to a guy in my late 30s or early 40s and I'm past the age of being able to have children but the guy has kids or teenagers of their own. Lowkey, pulling a Kamala Harris sounds like a dream. I'm not opposed to dating a guy who already has kids so long as he's not a dead beat and / or has a super messy relationship with their ex (because I have standards). **Update: I wrote the post above yesterday and I forgot to hit Submit Reply. Also, I was reflecting on this a little more and not gonna lie, writing this out yesterday helped me ease off the pressure around this question. This is silly, but I thought the idea of my worst case scenario of me being in my late 30s early 40s, not having a kid because I didn't find someone in time, and having to go DILF hunting to be kind of a funny / amusing thought lol. I think this made this topic seem a little lighter.

Rumination I feel like since moving in with my boyfriend, I have been thinking of my reproductive choices on a daily basis. I feel like part of it is developmentally normal since I'm at the age when people usually start thinking of stuff like this and because my new living situation is causing me to rethink things. But I wonder to what extent I'm just thinking in circles and not getting anywhere because I'm hyperfixated on this topic. I think maybe I need to step away to get a better idea of what I actually want and how I feel about this matter so that I'm not in this mental / intellectual mode where I'm just dissecting and analyzing the topic to death. I think me being on leave is giving me the space to think about this. Which is good. But I also think that some days I'm waay too in my head to where I just end up annoying myself. That's how I felt yesterday. Today, I decided to force myself out of the house, do a long workout, go to lunch at a restaurant, and chill in a coffee shop for a little bit. I feel a bit refreshed but my mind still feels preoccupied with this matter. I can come up with some reasons (and potential reasons) as why this particular topic feels particularly pressing. I guess I'm just going to reflect on that here: My living situation: The choice to live with my boyfriend around the 3.5 year mark feels like a trial run for marriage. I'm also in a much better financial situation than I was in my early 20s and I'm in a walkable area. I have a good partner (more on that later). So logistically, me having a child right now, though it would be chaotic, won't be an absolute train wreck if we're looking at pure logistics. But, my partner is firmly childfree and me chosing to one day be a parent would mean the end of the relationship. So emotionally, it would be a train wreck lol. I have a great partner: Though he is firmly child free, I feel like our relationship is incredibly healthy. And living together made me realize that family doesn't have to be this scary, complicated thing that I witnessed growing up. That home can be a place where you are happy and at peace. And I feel like that feeling caused me to think *what if I brought a child into a situation like this?* But on the flip side, since I know if I decide ot have a kid I won't be able to have it with my current partner, all of these little moments and milestones of us getting closer and becoming closer to each other's families feel tainted. I basically feel like this meme: Developmental milestones: I think it's typical to be thinking of what settling down looks like for you in your late 20s and what you want from your life long term. And I think reproductive choices can be a big piece of that puzzle for how your life is structured, what your values are, and what kind of partner you can have. I'm not doing so hot in terms of friendships and community: This is me brainstorming but I wonder to what extent I would be hyperfixated on this topic or how this would impact my desire to be a parent if I had a more robust social life. There is a part of me that would be content with being an active aunt to one of my friend's kids but I don't know to what extent that would be possible considering I'm lucky if I get to hear from my friends every couple months or so. And I don't have any siblings to becoming an actual aunt is out of question. And I think I get a lot of fulfillment in life out of human relationships in general so I wonder if having more friends who are actively in my life would decrease this desire to be a parent since my need for human relationships is being fufilled in different ways. And I think especially if you live in a suburban area that emphasizes the nuclear family a lot, it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the only way you can have a community is through your kid as they interact with other children and go to school. On the other hand, I think me having a community might make my desire to be a parent more because I would have more social support. I feel a bit hesitant with being a parent right now because I would be pretty isolated which would make things harder. If I decide to be a parent, I want my kid to have a community and have other adults they can turn to in addition to their parents. I also want to model what friendship in adulthood looks like for my kid as well. I guess my other thing is that while I can see being childfree as a potentially fulfilling life path, I feel like that still has this assumption that I'm still going to have children in my life, just not biologically my own. Even when I was going through a phase where I wanted to be childfree in my personal life more than right now, I never wanted to live in a completely childfree world. And sometimes, it feels like the only gurantee I have with having kids in my life is if I have my own because I have seen so many horror stories about how the choice to have a kid causes a divide in friendships between parents and childfree adults. In theory, a lot of parents want to still be friends with their childfree peers to have that sense of community and support. But in practice, that's not how it always play out because parents relate to other parents more and have more things in common, causing alienation with their child free peers or the child free person is giving a disproportionate amount of effort in the relationship by showing up for parents when they need help or other parental milestones but the moment the childfree person has an issue or a milestone to celebrate, the parents are suddenly too overwhelmed to show up. Then there is the fact that a lot of people don't know how exactly parenthood will affect them where they think they will be able to manager all types of frienships and relationships but then once the kid is here, they go ghost, not because they don't care but because they don't have situation or skills to properly integrate their friendships to their new life style. I'm kind of stagnant in my career and personal goals: I know that becoming a parent isn't the only way to achieve fulfillment in life. But I wonder to what extent I'm defaulting to parenthood due to the overall context of my life. I am getting promotions at work and making decent money but I'm not in a position to change jobs to my desired industry due to the chaos in the world right now. Even though I am achieving things and I'm not complacent (I'm trying to make the most of what I have at this point), I do feel like I'm at a standstill of sorts since I have a job and not a career. As for personal goals, I feel like my travel itch has disappeared to an extent. I don't to what extent is because I have travelled around a bit and I'm closer to the point of feeling satiated or if my depression is causing me to not want to put myself out there, thus leading me to hyperfixate on the parenthood question instead. While I'm not in the mood to travel right now, I wonder to what extent taking myself out of my current environment and routine will help me take my mind off this topic so that I can come back to it with a fresher set of eyes.

I'm just annoying myself I have been looking back at my posts and I cannot help but think about how self-obsessed I am and how I'm just a walking existential crisis no one wants to be around. I hate how I cry really easily and how I lean on other people. I hate on how in my head I am. I feel like I'm 15 again because of my social anxiety. I think I just feel like the video below:

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

In The Middle I'm at the point of my mid 20s where I just feel unsure of myself and of life. I generally have good healthy habits mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, etc. I have a decent job even it isn't my desired career. I am capable of making friends and maintaining relationships even though sometimes life just happens. I think in most metrics, I'm doing really good in my life but it doesn't always feel like it. I remember around my 20th birthday feeling this rush of anxiety around starting my 20s because people put so much pressure on this being the best years of your life. To cope, I read a bunch of books an articles titled things like "things I wish I knew in my 20s," "regrets I have in my 20s" or "things I would tell my 20 year old self now that I'm 30." I studied those articles and I made sure to avoid common mistakes and establish good habits early on. In a way, I wanted to optimize my 20s so that I would meet my full potential. I don't think that period was all bad. At 26, I can say that I avoided common mistakes and established healthy habits. I did outgrow this notion of needing to optimize my 20s and reach my full potential (whatever that means lol) because I no longer see life as an equation or problem to solve rather it's something to experience with all it's imperfect moments and that a lot of the memories and life lessons come from things that are side quests of sorts. I have over the years have gotten much more gentle on myself (though I still have a long way to go) and I have embraced the notion that while it's wise to learn from other people's mistakes, that I'm going to make some on my own and life is like a self-selecting curriculum based on your quality of consciousness and your decision making. But I think my mid 20s comes with another kind of anxiety. While I have a good set of habits, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough because I don't yet see the results of these long term habits. I have committed myself to long term goals, but I'm not sure exactly where it's leading. I'm doubting myself and my path. And then that yields to me looking and comparing with the results of other people. I have written about this in other posts: I think another issue that arises with relatively ambitious and put together people in your mid 20s is that you and similarly minded people can have vastly different experiences usually due to life circumstances, the cards they were dealt, what makes sense in their lives, or hell, sometimes it's down to luck. The way I think of it, I think of it as you and your friends planting a bunch of seeds at the same time. You all water the plants the same (or specific to the type of plant you have) and you put them in the same soil. But none of the plants grow at the same rate in your garden, and definitely not at the same rate compared to other people's gardens. Sometimes it's the plants you didn't particularly care for that shoot up but the plants were looking forward to harvesting is stunted. And it's not the fault of your gardening abilities and it's not the seeds, sometimes it's just timing. I would say that my garden consists of the career/ education plant, the romance plant, the friendship plant, the hobby plant, and the personal finance plant. The career plant is growing at a slow and steady pace and it shot up a while back. The romance plant is growing much more and much faster than expected. The friendship plant, the plant that I wanted to flourish the most, is pretty stunted. The hobby plant is just fine. And the personal finance plant is growing pretty strong consistently. Weirdly enough, according to my values and where I put my time and attention, I would expect the romance plant and the personal finance plant to not be as strong, but the way that life has taken me, those ended up being my strongest plants because the growth of these plants weren't due to the extra attention I gave them, but because nature decided it was the season for these things to flourish. That poor little friendship plant depresses me. I'm sure with the way that I care for all the plants that in the long run, my good habits will pay off and all the plants will even out or have their season of flourishing but I don't have the life experience to put that into perspective just yet. So now, my good habits and my tending to these plants feel like I'm putting in effort to the void, wondering if they will ever pay off. In other words, my mid 20s feel very mid. It's not as exciting as the early 20s where I'm starting all these new things and I'm not at the end of my 20s where I'm seeing the longer term reprucussions of my current life style or habits (for better or for worse). I feel like I'm in the boring middle where I'm just doubting things. The above video made me think of various TikTok sounds and then I remembered the *Into the thick of it* song. I searched it up and for the first time listened and watched the original piece the sound came from. I feel like the little pink alien is part of my psyche that is trying to be positive about my efforts. The moose is my existential crisis (maybe there is no path and maybe there will be nothing at the end of all this so I should be more intrinsically motivated with my long term habits).The blue penguin is me doubting myself and is thinking I'm going in circles. And the purple kangaroo that keeps getting whacked (and then eventually dodges the leaf that's doing the whacking after encountering it multiple times) is me trying to learn from my poor little friendship plant that isn't blooming lol.

I feel mid... This is going to make me sound like an asshole but I was hanging out with some people the other day who were quite impressive and I found myself feeling very mediocre in comparison. I know, I know, I should be happy for them and see it as aspirational and that's the right, good person, way to feel but I found myself feeling inadequate. I graduated from a mediocre university and I didn't even have a good GPA. I'm not the type of person who reads 50+ books a year. I'm not super busy in terms of my social calendar. I'm not out here working at a high paying job nor do I have a side gig. I'm not super athletic to where I'm running marathons and shit. And I don't have a masters degree. I don't think I'm a loser.I graduated with a double major and I think I'm decently educated in the world around me. I do read like a handful of books per year. I have a job that pays me well enough to support myself and to where I'm content with my life in a material sense. I have some close relationships. I have hobbies. I do have a habit of working out regularly even if I do suck at things and i'm not particularly atheletic. I have decent habits in terms of functioning in my day to day life and in terms of taking care of myself. I'm financially stable and have good saving, spending, and investing habits. I have some career related goals I have met. I travel every now and then. I have worked through most (but not all) of my issues regarding childhood trauma. I have decent communication and conflict resolution skills. I think in most metrics, I'm not failing at life. But I don't feel like I'm excelling either. I just feel painfully average. As narcissistic as it might sound, I think I do wish I had something that made me special or made me stand out in some way. I think there is a part of me that thinks it will make me more interesting, more desirable socially, and someone who is easier to connect to. I think it's also because I don't have the best core of self esteem and that part of my psyche never got properly formed growing up. If I were to describe myself, my brain will blank out. I'm not notably any particular personality, trait, or characteristic. I can't say I'm smart. I can't say I'm pretty. I can't say that I excel at x y or z. I feel like a grey blob.

I think I'll try to make my own list and I think it will overlap a lot with the original post as well: quality relationships among friends and family where you're actively involved in people's lives and have fostered a sense of closeness and emotional vulnerability as well as light heartedness a general sense of community which yields to a broader sense of connectedness beyond your inner circle to something bigger than yourself a sense of purpose through work + gaining mastery over a craft of your choice which also helps people as a whole physical activity in hobbies and interests that make you happy, not necessarily to get ripped or look a certain way (it can be something simple as going on a walk every day, something intense like training for a marathon to challenge yourself, a sport of your choice like soccer, volleyball, hiking, weightlifting etc. or, something you do with your friends and family like team sports, going out dancing, etc.) creative hobbies that allow for self expression and self exploration so that you're not just consuming things and you're also producing a sense of curiousity and wonder in the world (it can look like having things you like learning / researching about, reading a genre of your choice, being curious and asking people about their lives, interests, experiences, and also just being mindful of your surrounds and enjoying the creation of consciousness). eating well (this can mean eating healthy and balanced meals but it also means having a good relationship with food so you're not restrictive and also being able to enjoy a meal out with friends, maybe a few drinks in a social setting, or a nice treat every now and then) creating enough free time to rest, ponder, be bored, just hang out in an unstructured setting, and chill so you aren't booked to the brim working through unhealthy patterns, family issues, addictions, etc. so that they don't negatively impact your happiness and quality of life building a life that you genuinely want after deconstructing social patterns and norms (i.e. you might not want to have a suburban house and 2-3 kids but you might still want a family made up of close friends and their kids in a larger city). travelling and learning about different people and cultures as well as being in nature allowing yourself time and space to ask larger questions about life and philosophy as well as meditate / contemplate I can probably think of more but I'll leave this much for now.

75 hard is starting to feel hard // feeling insecure about productivity Today is day 23 out of 75 and I feel like today and yesterday were some of the hardest days so far. I'm on my period. Everything hurts. I'm very low energy and all I want to do is rot in bed until it's over and eat cake, chocolate, and ice cream. But I still have to do the two workouts and stick to the dumb diet. I feel like I cannot think straight and I lowkey regret going on this challenge. I also feel like I was such a lazy sack of shit this week. I think it might be my period but still. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I did a lot of introspection work and a lot of journalling on and offline but I still feel like I didn't do anything because I'm not doing this while working a job. In a way, it feels like my productivity during leave doesn't count because I should ideally be able to do everything I'm doing right now while working 8-10 hours a day. I think part of the reason why I started the "My Days On Leave" journal is to keep track of what I'm doing throughout the day in an effort to show myself that I am actually being productive. I think I have made progress in that I'm not having panic attacks before bed about what I'm doing the next day because I don't have work but I still feel like there is something wrong with me for needing to take a break. I also feel a bit insecure about how busy I'm not. I feel like every time I want to hang out with friends, I have a relatively free schedule but then when I try to make plans, my friends are all super busy to where I have to schedule things out 6 weeks in advance. This is not a new thing that has been annoying me but lately, I feel like there is something wrong with me on how I do have free time. I know that I have hobbies, a job (usually), goals I'm working towards, and a couple of important relationships in my life. I'm not like a loser with no life. But sometimes, it feels like I am because I'm not booked to the brim gasping for air.

6/3 Day 16 woke up at around 9:30 journaled went out for lunch read a book watched youtube videos went on a walk did some chores around the house meditated made dinner spent time with boyfriend 6/4 Day 17 woke up at around 8:30 watched youtube videos journaled a lot made lunch went to therapy journaled some more went to a work out class took an everything shower made dinner watched some TV went on a walk read a book 6/5 Day 18 woke up at 10:30 because of nightmares made brunch went on a walk (hated it because I was on my period) laid around a lot, didn't do much because of cramps watched longer form youtube videos (a couple of videos that are like 2 hours long) took a nap went to the gym made dinner went to a sound bath meditation got a flat tire while coming back, got that fixed up (sort of) watched TV with my boyfriend and talked for a little bit 6/6 Day 19 woke up at around 9 stayed in bed for a while because of cramps ate a small breakfast went on a walk took a shower went out to lunch with some friends hung out for a while came home spent time with boyfriend ate dinner played mario kart with boyfriend did a work out read a book journalled for a little bit.

I have decided to take a break from my corporate job for about 8 weeks as it was slowly eroding my mental health. I kind of want to keep track on what I have been up to during this time off and I'm going to use this space as a daily diary of sorts. I want to make sure I'm on track with my goals and that my days don't just blur together. My main insights and reflections are going to be in my main journal though.

"You Would Be An Amazing Mother" I hate when people say this to me. I know people mean well when they say it and it's usually in response to how deeply I'm thinking about this subject or it's a compliment based on basic character traits they know about me. But I hate it. I feel like people who utter this phrase often have no clue what they are talking about. I'm pretty sure people said the same thing to my mother. And let's just say, without going into detail of the trauma that I had to sort out in years of therapy, that my mom wasn't a good parent. I also know that throughout the years, people have told my mom that she's worked so hard at being a mom and that she's doing such a great job, while they are completely left in the dark on the abuses that occur behind closed doors. In my opinion, we put motherhood on a pedestal. We see mothers as saints while at the same time scrutinize their every move. I think that's the nature of pedestaling anyone. We see them as highly but that same distance causes us to dehumanize them. We think mothers always know best and that they are always self sacrificial. That narrative doesn't make room for toxic or abusive mothers. People already have a narrative that women cannot be abusers and often times, male victims of abuse at the hands of a woman are often discredited and disbelieved. People already have a narrative that men kind of suck so if you talk about how your dad sucked, it's pretty believable. At the same time, because people have the narrative that men suck, the moment that a man does the bare minimum as a parent like changing a diaper or "baby sitting" their kid, they are seen as exemplary. But on the flip side, if you tell people that your mom sucked, they don't believe you, they often think you're being too harsh on her, and they think you should just forgive and make amends. And yes, there is something to be said that women are put under so much pressure and scrutiny that to be considered an amazing mother is a tall order and that even being a decent mom is a feat. So you don't want to double down on that pressure and you can also empathize with the systemic issues you own mom dealt with. But, that doesn't erase mistreatment. And I think that's why the phrase "as a woman I understand but as your daughter that hurt" rings true. I also think this is why there is the sentiment of how daddy issues make a person angry but then mommy issues make people into psychologists lol. And whose to say that the same thing won't happen with me where everyone says I'll be a good parent but then I fail miserably? Sure, I'm in therapy and I think I have dramatically different life circumstances and mindsets compared to my mom, but whose to say I won't find a different way to fuck up my kid while everyone outside my household goes on to say how much of a great parent I am? The only person whose opinion on my parenting I care about is of my own hypothetical kid... when they are 25 years or older. I don't care about what my hypothetical kid thinks of me when they are 10 years old throwing a tantrum or 15 years old and pushing my boundaries. I care about what they think once they are old enough to properly reflect on their childhood and discern good and bad parenting.

Breasts and Eggs I remember seeing a post a while back on the childfree side of the internet hyping up the book Breasts and Eggs. It's been in my Amazon cart for while and I finally decided to buy it and read it given that I have extra time on my hands and I'm grappling with my own complicated thoughts about motherhood. I remember the post that recommended Breats and Eggs said that it might not give you the answers on whether or not you should have a child but it will make you think and question. I thought this was the perfect book for me given that description because of my own ambiguous stance on whether or not I should have a kid. And I do agree with that assessment of the book, that it doesn't lecture you or spoon feeds a narrative and is instead more exploratory around the subject of womanhood as a whole. The first section, Breasts, talks about plastic surgery, the changes a woman's body goes through, and how that is viewed in society and how women view themselves. The second section, Eggs, is about the main character, Nasuko who is a writer in her mid-late thirties looking into options on getting pregnant without being in a romantic relationship. This section talks about artificial insemination, how people concieved through artificial insemination view the proceedure, the ethics of having a kid, and more. I'm mainly going to focus on the second part as that relates to the purposes of this journal. I feel like as a reader, I went in hoping this book will aid in my introspection around the topic of whether or not I should be a parent. I will say, I went into this book with an agenda in mind. I do like how the book handled various topics around existentialism, choice, consent, poverty and socioeconomic status, gender poltics in Japan, family structures, various forms of conception, and the various life choices the women in this book have made and the relationships they have with their bodies. Again, very exploratory and very well executed. At the same time, I go back to the original social media post that recommended me this book and how it said that it will compell you to ask questions and get you thinking. I don't think this book really had me thinking about questions I hadn't thought of before. In that way, it didn't feel like it added anything new to my stances or thinking processes around becoming a parent. It didn't feel as thought provoking to me because my head already had thoughts provoked lol. As a result, the book fell flat to me, not because of the contents of the book or how it was written, but because of how I as the reader came in with an agenda and in some ways I felt like the agenda wasn't fulfilled. That said, I still quite enjoyed this book. I enjoyed being able to connect to each of the characters and their experiences. In a way, I felt less alone in reading this book through the ambiguity of the main character around her reproductive choices. Sure, the main character is ambiguous on her thought of becoming a parent due to different reasons and is in a very different position from me, but I feel like it's nice having some degree of representation for people in the ambiguous place. I find it lonely having my own existential crisis around whether or not I should have a child. I feel like the vast majority of the people in my life are firmly decided on *yes they do want to one day be a parent and have like 3+ kids* or *no never in a million years do they want to produce a crotch goblin.* I can only think of one person in my life who is undecided and another person in my life who is sure they want to be a parent one day but is incredibly apprehensive. I also feel like this is one of those topics that becomes less and less appropriate to ask about as you get older. I feel like in your early 20s, it's still a weird question to ask but people are still in a more exploratory phase in their lives. But as you move in to your mid 20s (at least in Texas), a lot of people have either settled down or have their minds made up on what settling down looks life for them. As a result, once exploratory questions of whether or not you want to have kids can turn rather invasive and interrogative due to the personal nature of the topic at hand. I also feel like this notion that it's rude to ask people why they want to have kids also plays into the normalization of having kids and how being childfree is considered to be an aberration. It's not weird to ask people why they didn't have kids but it is weird to ask why people chose to have kids? Double standard much? I believe since we have our hang ups on asking other people why they want to have kids interpersonally, that also bleeds into the intrapersonal sphere where a lot of people don't ask themselves why they want to have kids or interrogate the answers that come up. I think it's getting better over time as more people are seeing being childfree as a legitmate lifestyle and not as a punchline about a sad old woman who will die alone with cats. But I still feel the stigma, not in the decision itself, but in the process of arriving to the decision. I remember seeing posts about how if you have doubts on having kids, don't have them because it means you don't truly want them. While I can see how this can be true for some (like don't have a kid from a half-assed desire), I can see on how being 100% sure isn't the best barometer. There are plenty of people who were 100% sure they want to be a parent but they realized they didn't think things through, or they ended up being horrible parents, or the realized that it was way harder than what they anticipated. I feel like my doubts and questions about parenthood isn't rooted in a half assed desire rather it's about wanting to carefully consider a complex decision through comprehensive introspection. I don't treat bringing life into the world lightly and I fear that a substantial number of people treat reproduction way too casually for my liking. Part of the reason why I like the child free community is because while they might not have the answers I'm seeking, they're at least asking the right questions. On the other corner, you have the pro reproduction side of things that can range any where from people being on autopilot, religious people and conservatives trying to convince you that your purpose as a woman is to pop out a soccer team of kids, and some people that overly idealize parenthood whether it is intentional or unintentional. In the way that the child free community encourages exploration and in the way that I feel isolated in my own exploratory process, I believe that Breasts and Eggs provided a solace for me and honors that exploration.

@Yimpa Thank you, I'm glad you're liking this format

5/30 Day 12 gonna be honest, I don't remember much of what I did this day since I'm writing this like 4 days later woke up around 8:30 went to my 2 hour workout class showered and had lunch read my book watched Youtube videos ate dinner played pickleball went to sleep 5/31 Day 13 woke up around 7:30 went on a walk ate something small for breakfast went to Academy Sports and Outdoors to pick up a few things did the groceries carried the groceries home and put things away drove downtown for a Fifa kick off event and hung out there for a bit ate a late lunch came home took a nap read a book took a long shower ate dinner did an at home workout went to sleep 6/1 Day 14 Woke up around 9 watched some youtube videos planned out my interntional trip to Australia only to realize I don't have the budget to do that right now had lunch started researching on my trip to Africa journalled for a bit went on a walk did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen > the kitchen was a mess and this took like an hour went to the grocery store to pick up a few things made dinner read a book listened to music spent time with my boyfriend 6/2 Day 15 Woke up at around 9 watched some YouTube videos to check the news Went on a walk rotted in bed Made lunch Journalled for a little bit Did my second workout did the laundry took a shower drove an hour to meet a friend hung out with friends for a few hour and drove back home read a book spent time with my boyfriend