soos_mite_ah

Children as Property I have been educating myself on parenting and I have come across the concept of childism and how children are a marginalized group in society. I know one way that women and people of color deal with when it comes to discrimination is being infantilized. Or in other words, being treated like a child. And don't get me wrong, I do think it's a legitimate form of dehumanization, but then I asked myself, what does it say about how we treat children if being treated like a child is a bad thing? I started reading about childism and a lot of bad parenting or fucked up reasons to have kids can factor into childism or childist thoughts. The one that I want to talk about today is this notion of treating children as property. Other marginalized groups like women and people of color have been thought of as property quite literally throughout history. And I think there is a subset of people who literally see their child as property, but I think there is more people that subconsciouslly see children as property and have adjacent thoughts about it. People who see their children as an extention of themselves: These kids aren't allowed to be their own person or a human being. I feel like a chunk of people that say they're having a kid because they want a "mini me" falls into this category. The kid's successes are their parent's successes. Their failures are their parents failures. The parents can also take things waay too personally to where any feedback on the child's actions can cause them to feel attacked as parents or they're overly concerned with their family's reputation. They also start treating the kid badly the moment the kid want's to do their own thing by expressing their independence or self expression. This can range from being upset when their child decides to get a haircut they don't like all the way to their child deciding they don't want to go to Harvard med school (enter the Disney Channel trope of *I'm not giving up on my dream. I'm giving up on YOURS.* It can also look like an inability to accept your kid having a different opinion than you, an inability to accept your kid being gay, or having a VERY specific idea of what you want your child to turn out as. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to instill certain values to your kid to where you would be concerned if they came out with a concerning world view (i.e. raising your kid in an accepting home but for whatever reason they get poisoned by Andrew Tate and the manosophere), or you are disappointed with how unempathetic your kid came out. But, depending on what your expectations of the kid is, it some instances, it can take an objectifying turn. Hell, there are some parents who have very strict expectations of what they want their kids to look like beyond the kids' stylistic choices of hair, makeup, and clothes. Of the top of my head, I think of the weirdos who fetishize having mixed babies, the weirdos who take out their body image issues on their kids, the weird short women who have a complex around being small so they mate with a man who is 6'5" and 250 lbs and then they're shocked that their daughter isn't as petite as them, or the weirdos who are protective over their kid's blond hair because they're closeted white supremecist. I have met people like this and those are the examples I can think of off the top of my head. There are many examples of how this can turn out which I think will show up in the following examples. People who see their kid as a retirement plan: I feel like this is common in immigrant family circles or people who grew up poor. And I think it often leads to those kids to become impoverished themselves when they're older because they have so many other people to take care of to where they cannot build their own savings. And don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything with wrong with adult children who decide to help out their familes. But I do think it should be their choice rather than an expectation. I also think that the subset of parents who see their kid as a potential retirement plan often tends to either push the kids too hard growing up to the point where they leave some kind of over achieving trauma, OR they had bad financial planning going into having children from the first place. I'm not trying to drag people who are in a lower socioeconomic status. I realize that there are also situations where people did financially prepare for parenthood but then for whatever reason their familes ended up poor anyway. But, there are also a lot of people who either neglect financial planning, have babies by accident, or they raise these kids when they themselves were already personally struggling. And then these people will look at you and say *well there is no perfect time to be a parent.* And yeah, I agree, there is no perfect time to become a parent since parenthood can be incredibly inconvenient. It's not good to become a parent in your 20s because you're still figuring out your life. It's not good to have a kid in your 30s because you may have additional responsibilities with your family or a career. It's not a good idea to have a kid in your 40s and beyond due to health reasons or because of a lack of energy. But there are definitely better and worse times to have a kid and my thing is, why tf would you have a kid in a bad situation when parenthood is already hard enough as it is? Why would you make parenthood harder than it needs to be by bringing a baby into a struggling situation? Sure, I'm talking about the financial responsibilities before you have a kid. But I think that also extends into taking financial responsibilities as you parent as well. Like I don't think it's good to burden your adult child if you didn't prepare for retirement and you didn't put anything into a 401k or a Roth IRA. I don't think it's a good idea to not save money in case of medical issues. And sure, it's good to have enough money to ensure that you can cover the expenses of having a baby and feeding, clothing, and providing shelter for the next 18 years. But I think that's the bare minimum and it isn't enough. If you can do that but the margins are so thin to where you cannot plan for saving for the kid's college, you can't plan for you own retirement, or accommodate other emergencies, then having kids might not be financially viable for you. People who see their kid as their legacy: Like sir, you are not in Succession or an episode of The Crown. You are a regular, everyday civilian... act like it. No but for real, I think this also ties back to seeing your kid as an extention of you. I feel like it be the bummiest of people who talk about their kids being their legacy because they didn't build anything other than a family and the only time they heard the word "congratulations" in their life was when they got pregnant. There are so many examples of people that I can think of who have a legacy but they don't have a kid OR they have kids but no one knows who those kids are / they don't think of their kids. The best example I can think of is Dolly Parton. And I think this goes along with the notion of kids bringing you fufillment. Don't get me wrong, I can see how being a parent can be a fulfilling endeavor but I don't think it should be the only form of fulfillment in someones life or even the biggest. And I think a lot of parents have trouble wrapping their head around that concept to where they look at you crazy when you say you don't want to have a kid. Then there is the whole thing about again, how the kid is their own person. Upbringing does matter a lot, but your kid isn't going to be a carbon copy of your opinions, morals, and life style. So as a result, I don't think your kid can really be your legacy because of how much variability there is solely on how they can be their own person. Some people have a kid because they want to "mold a life": I wrote about this before. It's weird and kind of controlling. I think it makes more sense and seems healthier to want to guide someone as opposed to going into the experience with the intention to mold. Again, this isn't everyone but I feel like there are a lot of narcissists that insist on having kids (and a lot of them) because they like the idea of molding someone into their own image and also having absolute control over a baby that has no agency and has to depend on you for everything. People love to call child free people selfish but a lot of selfish people are parents too and once they become parents, they don't magically turn selfless. Instead, their selfishness are then extended on to their kids to where they don't give a fuck about other people's kids so long as their kids is taken care of. The whole concept of "having a kid" instead of "being a parent": I noticed as I was writing in my journal that everyone loves to ask "do you want to have kids" instead of asking "do you want to be a parent." And I think on a societal level, that is very telling and this is what inspired me to write entry in the first place. There is more of an emphasis of acquiring a kid like they are an object as opposed to whether or not someone wants parenthood as a role or lifestyle choice. And ever since I had this realization, I have been monitoring my language in this journal but also in my real life when this subject comes up. There are lot of people who want to have kids but they don't care about being a parent. They want a cute little baby or an adorable toddler but they don't care to read to that child every night. They don't want to pick them up and drop them off from school everyday. They don't sit down with the kid as they do homework. They don't care to fufill the responsibilities of parenthood and the way that parenthood structures their lives is incompatible with the kind of life they want to build for themselves. Because in the end of the day, they saw the kid as a cute little accessory to have a image of a perfect life or they saw having a kid as a box to check off rather than a role and set of responsibilities they are signing up for a lifetime. And I think for me personally, I have always tried to frame it as "do I want to be a parent?" instead of "do I want to have a kid?" as I'm introspecting my desires around parenthood and what it actually takes to be a good parent. And even on a biological level, I never had the desire to get preganant. I'm fine if my life turns out in such a way to where even if I don't have my own biological parent, I end up being a step parent or a foster parent, or hell, just any trusted adult in a child's life. Then there are the creeps who have a kid and sexually abuse them: This is pretty dark and I wouldn't say it's as common as the previous reasons I have listed. But I think any sexual exploitation fundamentally comes down to people not seeing the other person as human due to objectification to where they violate their consent, their bodily autonomy/ safety, and their overall wellbeing. And I think children fall into this as well because you're literally objectifying them. That same objectification routes back into seeing children not as their own person but as property. There are also the weirdos that don't understand the concept of privacy when it comes to their own kids: This can range from sharing the child's personal information like a jokey joke to their friends and family, taking the door off their kid's bedroom because *it's my house, my rules*, reading your kid's diary, or being weird about them keeping secrets in general. I think there is some grey area here and there to where if you think your kid is doing something questionable and you need to get more information (i.e. you found out your kid is doing drugs and you tried to have a converation about it but haven't been able to get information, you're going through your kid's phone to monitor their internet usage regarding what content they are consuming, or your kid is keeping secrets because they got sexually assaulted.). I'm not talking about monitoring your kid when it comes to safety precautions at an age appropriate manner. But generally speaking, I think a lot of parents who are big on the *no privacy* rule either have really bad unchecked anxiety OR they are power tripping. And I think the latter points back to reason number one which is seeing their kid as an extention of themselves. THIS POST IS IN PROGRESS WILL RESUME LATER

I find myself contemplating motherhood a lot in terms of me trying to make more long term plans for my life. I'm trying to figure out if this is the path for me, if this is something I should do, and if this is something I'm even cut out for. I also want my thoughts to be organized in one place.

In Theory But Not In Practice I sometimes feel like I'm a whore in theory but not in practice. I'm pretty in tune with my sexuality and carry no shame around it. I think part of it is because of how much I have introspected on these matters. I tend to gravitate towards really sexually suggestive music. I would say in a lot of ways I'm more open minded than the average person when it comes to sex. That isn't better or worse, but it is what it is. I'm very in touch with my body and general sense of sensuality. I'm pretty comunicative when it comes to sex whether it's just talking about it with friends or explaining what I do and don't like when I'm in the act with my partner. But then I get nerfed because I have a low sex drive so even though I live with my partner, we usually have sex once a week or once every other week. And also, I kinda hate most people. So the thought of having sex with a lot of people doesn't really appeal to me. Even if I want that experience, I look around and I'm like *eww. no thanks.* It's also kind of like how I like dating in theory rather than in pratice. The thought of meeting new people, doing exciting things for dates, getting to know different parts of yourself and understanding people's experiences, and just in general exploring your world, the other person's world, and incurring more life experience, all sound amazing. But then you go into the dating pool and you realize a lot of people kind suck, some people are crazy and it feels like there is a lot of them because they're making their rounds traumatizing people left and right while the chill people are in the corner minding their business, and the dinner and coffee dates get repetitive after you have answered *what's your favorite color* for the 100th time. I feel like sex is the same way. Even if I were to open my relationship up tomorrow, I don't think I would readily find someone fuck worthy who also wants to fuck me right away. Also, if I'm going to be slut, I don't want abandon my ethics, standards, or sense of responsibility. Like I would 100% ask them about their political beliefs, ask for an STD test, and would request to talk to their partner if they're also in an open relationship. I'm not trying to fuck a Nazi, catch a mystery disease, or be a homewrecker. I also still stand by this. And I think all of these things deter me from having a high body count. Not to say that people with a high body count lack a sense of morality or a sense of responsibility. Because again, I think it's possible to be an ethical slut lol. It's just that these are the factors for me personally that have contributed to the current state of my sex life.

I've been exploring my sexuality and what I do and don't find attractive for a while but I've been doing that more lately. I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts. I don't know what kinds of posts I'm going to do or where this is going to lead but I hope that I can utilize my pent up energy and make something constructive out of it. A little background: I have considered myself asexual from the age of 14 to 21. That has had a huge impact on my relationship with my sexuality. Now I'm in a place where I'm questioning my orientation mainly because I'm on birth control now and the pill is messing with my hormones and my head. I thought I was very sure about my sexual orientation but I guess tf not. I'm just rethinking a lot of things tbh. Also, I find the topic of attraction really interesting as a whole and the way that different dynamics interplay with one another and how a lot of things regarding sexuality, though they may seem raw and unfiltered, don't exist in a vacuum. This has been kind of a side interest that I enjoy talking about with people but it wasn't anything that I looked into on my own until now since I'm getting interested in all of this more. So yeah... let's see where this journal goes

Taking Ls I have been thinking about L again a lot lately. I thought about him a lot prior to meeting my current partner. Then, I didn't think about him until the summer of 2025 when I started unpacking my nihilistic tendencies and got off birth control so my sex drive was all over the place. And now, I'm thinking about him again. So then, I found myself reflecting on what my current fantasies mean and how my fantasies around L has evolved over the years. I would say that in the beginning when I first met L, I thought he was pretty attractive romantically and he a lot of traits that I thought was admirable. He kind of reminded me of a better version of myself and I liked his over all personality. He also seemed really put together but I think a lot of that is my 19 year old brain observing a regular man in his early 30s at work lol. I go into more detail about it in this post I wrote years ago. The attraction started off romantic and later turned into sexual attraction. The post above goes into more detail about the conditions as to why I was simping for a man a decade older than me. And I remember a lot of the fantasies I had at the time regarding wanting an older man had to do with wanting to experience a sense of gentleness, stability, and this desire to be guided. All of those things were elements that were missing from my life. I remember having more of a reassurance kink around this time lol. I think a lot of it came from a lack of sexual and romantic experience. I had a lot of trad-wife esq fantasies around this time too. I wrote about this back then as well: I think the association of stability and gentleness I had with and older age faded away after certain things in life fell into line for me. I know the fantasy of being provided for died for sure once I was making enough money to afford my desired lifestyle and have a sense of stability. Then, in 2025 when I started thinking about L again, it wasn't linked to romance or his personality at all, it felt purely physical since he fulfills a lot of preferences I have and I had a large increase in my overall sex drive for a number of factors. Like my fantasies featured L as a figment of my imagination and a pretty face to make fake scenarios in my head as I fell asleep rather than being a representation of him as a full person. Now, I think my fantasies around L had come back around to the more psychological side where I have certain fantasies because of what I'm going through. I think I like the idea of getting with an older man in a position of authority who knows what he's doing, who is more assertive so that I don't always have to initiate and I don't have to doubt how he feels about me. This coincides with how I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and how I feel like I have to be assertive in every other area of my life but especially my friendships. I also associate this fantasy with embracing my sense of shyness which contrasts with the sense of assertiveness described above. I'm not nearly as inexperienced romantically/ sexually as I was back in 2020, but I still feel rather inexperienced in my age group. I'm not used to romantic attention. Sure I'm in a romantic relationship right now but my experience with my current boyfriend feels like an exception rather than the norm. So because I'm not used to it, it's something that catches me off guard and leaves me easily flustered. And as someone approaching 27 years old, it feels a bit embarrassing and juvenile to admit. I feel like I have a lot of other areas of my life that I confidently navigate but I still struggling bringing that energy sexually or romantically. Like part of me wants an older more experienced person to see this and rather seeing this as something awkward, immature, and weird, that they see it as something genuine, innocent, and endearing. As far as how this ties in with the factors of age and authority, I think there is an appeal to someone who knows what romantic desire looks like recognizes something in me that I haven't learned to recognize in myself yet. I think this ties in to issues around how I'm unpacking the elements of neglect and how I wasn't able to develop a sense of confidence in the way a lot of people do. I think this also translates to seeing myself as desirable and not seeing my desire as something to hide away rather it's something to be witnessed and appreciated by another person.

Reflecting on My Sexual Bucket List I have been going through this journal and I came across this post and wanted to reflect a little bit. The desires in red are ones that I no longer care about. The desires in green are ones I still want to experience. And the desires in blue are the ones I have tried.

More Friendship Grief I would put this under the Processing Negative Feelings journal but I wanted to put it here because I put my friendship related journal entries here typically. I talked about the grief before and I wrote about it. I'm still going to include it here since it provides important context: I would say much of what I have written in these posts have subsided. I'm not in denial of all the ways that the landscape has changed in adult life. I'm still experiencing the anger I described here but more so in the form of saddness (more on that later). The self deprecation is there sometimes but less so. And I'm moving towards more acceptance over time. But over the past month or so, I found myself feeling a new wave of grief specifically about what I have written about this post: I'm having difficulty with accepting that my relationships are more shallow now because I still have deep feelings of love and care for my friends. I'm hesitant to have certain conversations with them because I don't know if they care in the same way or if they fully moved on. And that also makes me feel kind of pathetic and tossed aside. Like a big reason why I don't reach out is because I feel like a creepy man in people's DMs since I'm the main one initiating. And I don't want to add icing to the cake with a "what are we" conversation. Yes, I'm laughing and that's a joke, but I'm also dead serious. I'm scared of this being our dynamic: I had 3 events that triggered this new wave of grief. 1. I had a friend (friend 1) reach out to me after a while. I was overjoyed when I saw that she wanted to see me. I was thinking that we can finally talk about what's been going on in her life and mine. Then, I realized that the invite was for the whole family and it was for her brother's birthday. That bummed me out quite a bit and it made me think *oh, she's reaching out of family obligation since our families know each other and it's a family get together.* But I tried to remain positive and thought that it would still be nice to see her. I get to her house and everyone is just talking in a group setting. They talked about car racing, Fifa, going to Japan, and other more lighthearted topics. Which is fine, but also, it's not really how I connect with people. Personally, I don't really connect with people on shared hobbies since my hobbies and interests are more niche and I've always been like a weird kid growing up. But I would make up for that by having an active interest in people's lives. And I remember sitting in that conversation and contributing a little here and there but feeling like I have no clue who anyone is or what's going on with them and they have no clue who I am either. That felt isolating. I finally had a moment to talk to my friend. It was just a 15 minute conversation and I'm glad I got know a little about what's going on with her. But, I still felt sad because it still felt very surface level, like we were having this conversation in passing. And right when we were probably gonna get deeper into talking, my parents were like *ok let's we gotta get home.* And not gonna lie, that crushed me. I was going to offer to hang out later in the month but as we were talking, she mentioned she was going to be quite busy in the weeks ahead so I didn't bother. 2. I had another friend (friend 2) reach out for some kind of family religious thing at her house. I pulled up and we started talking about our lives. Then, the moment I was about to open up about some things that were going on to stray from the rosy picture of my life, her mom came in and said that it's time for us to go and do the religious ceremony. The dang ceremony lasted nearly 3 hours. And afterwards, we got food and started talking. Of course we started off light. My other friend from situation 1 was there as well. And again, the moment that we had the chance to go deeper into the conversation, it was time for us to go. There was another thing in that conversation that kind of annoyed me. We were talking about homeownership and settling down and it felt clear that my other two friends and I had very different goals and values for what kind of future we wanted to build for ourselves. It's not like they said anything bad, but I guess it hurt because I realized that I probably cannot build a life with these people. Maybe we could have explored each other's perspectives more to where we wouldn't feel so misunderstood but the conversation didn't have a chance to develop into something deeper. Like I'm not opposed people wanting a different life than me. But I think it stings because I feel kind of isolated in my vision for settling down in Dallas specifically since I don't aspire to a surburban life. 3. Then, I reached out to friend 2 asking if we can hang out sometime that week again before she leaves for college. I just wanted to have a deeper conversation with her. She said that she can't but then she invited me out to go dancing at this club. I went ahead and I said yes. Sure it sucks that I can't have a real conversation, but at least we were making memories. I do appreciate how both of these friends still incorporated me into their lives to where we have shared experiences. I know being in this loop of catch up friendships can be tiring itself without having new shared experiences balance things out. I pull up and sure I had some fun, but I ended the night feeling really sad and empty which turned into me spiraling in the next couple weeks. Even at the club. I was enjoying myself but then half way through I felt a wave of grief wash over me. It felt like these once really close relationships just devolved into superficial party friends where we barely know each other. I felt like a glorified acquaintence since I didn't know the internal workings of anyone anymore. And they didn't know me either. I wish I could talk about this with them but I'm scared that I'm going to be painted as being ungrateful because they still managed to squeeze me into a schedule that is booked out by 3 months at all times. I feel like they moved on without me or that they only tolerate me in a group setting and they don't care to know what else is happening in my life nor do they care about sharing on their end either. I also get a weird feeling that they're all hanging out without me and that unless I reach out, they would never include me into things independent of family or religious events. Like I feel like I'm not being actively chosen, only being tolerated. At the same time, I do know some factors in their lives that make them genuinely busy so I'm not taking it super personally. I don't see this busyness as a personal problem in either side of our relationship. Instead, I see this busyness as a systemic problem affecting us personally (see the first linked post in this entry). So I'm not blaming myself or them. I can also understand if they're all hanging out without me because I don't have much surface level things in common with them. And I know friend 1 specifically said that rather than talking about what's going on in her life, she needs a distraction or hobbies that stop her from ruminating since her job is mainly centered around constantly dealing with heavy matters. Maybe she sees her friends as better suited to help her through this tough time over me. And that's fine. I know I have gone through some things where I thought certain people in my life are better equipped to handling and I didn't see other people who I didn't go to as lesser. I just wish I had my own people I can also go to. But yeah, I was hit with this new sense of grief where I feel like no one knows me, I don't know any one, and I don't have the opportunities to engage with people on a deeper level without it coming off as intense and just simply not right for the setting. I feel like my needs for connection aren't being met and that sometimes makes me doubt where I'm at in people's lives. Like I feel like a couple years ago I was at a place of *ok I'll give people space and I'm sure they'll come back, they just need to deal with some things.* Then I checked back and I see that they have found other people and essentially moved on and I'm still here reserving a spot for them in my life. And I'm happy for them for finding people to help them through these difficult times and I'm glad they found their people. But I'm sad for me because I'm still just by myself and I have yet to meet people like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly waiting and twiddling my thumbs. I have been trying to put myself out there and make new friends organically but I have yet to find success. So I'm just left with this void. And not to be corny (I don't even like Taylor Swift tbh), but I feel like those lyrics where she's like *and then everybody moved on. Help. I'm still at the restaurant.* Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I'm right where you left me Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I, I'm right where you left me Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, "What a sad sight" I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared I wrote about this more a few weeks ago: Then there is the trauma from the friend breakup. Like genuinely FUCK THAT PERSON and the way that they handled that situation. I was never the type of person to assume that everyone secretly hates me until after that break up. That situation hit me out of nowhere and there was no explicit conversation to help mend things. I just saw them getting distant but I initially wrote it off as *they're busy with xyz and dealing with some heavy stuff right now* and I was giving them space to sort that out without being over bearing. But then after that situation I started thing *maybe they were building up resentment and moving away from me for a while and they were making up excuses.* And I know better than to also apply that same dynamic to other people who are not related to this situation at all but it does make me wonder where I stand with people. Like I don't think most adults are openly confrontational when they don't like someone unless you're seeing them on a regular basis. I feel like most adult who don't like you will tolerate you in a social setting to be cordial and the not initiate in making plans afterwards to slowly phase you out. And because of the trauma of this situation, I don't know if my other friends are trying to slowly phase me out as well and I'm just the dumbass who still cares. And the frustrating thing about me trying to deal with friendship in adulthood is that I feel like I have been journalling and contemplating this for years now and I feel like I haven't made much progress. The more I learn about friendship in adulthood, the more lost and confused I find myself. I'm sure I'll look back on this and be like *well, I did eventually figure things out and now I have a beautiful life with great friends and I found my people* because everything eventually works out. It often just takes longer than anticipated. But right now, I find it difficult to believe that things will get better. Like I don't want much. I just wish people would hit me up every couple months and ask me how I'm doing and give me the space to talk about things the same way I would give them space to talk about their lives in detail. It's not like I'm here expecting everyone drop everything for me and hang out everyday. I'm not blowing up people's phone with a million calls and text messages. I'm not asking for constant reassurance. But I'm still human and I still need SOME reassurance since I feel like I'm navigating a lot of ambiguity. People also think I'm secretive but that's not the case. They just don't ask. And because they don't ask, even though I want to share, I feel like I don't have their consent to open up and I don't want to trauma dump on them. Tbh, they probably don't ask because they don't want to be intrusive so I'm not holding too much against them for not reading my mind lol. People also think I'm deep and intense but I think I have a different base line of what a "heart to heart conversation" even is because I'm in a constant state of existential crisis. So while they feel filled up by seeing me and having a surface level interaction at a party, I'm here feeling more disconnected than ever. I also think this wave of grief is also hitting me hard because I'm also unpacking a lot of symptoms of childhood emotional neglect right now. I also feel gross about my life and my body because it doesn't feel like it's in alignment with

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

I dread having a wedding in this stage in my life When people ask, I usually say that I would elope because I would much rather spend the amount of money that would go towards a wedding towards a house, travel, preparing to have a kid, or really any other financial goals. This isn't a lie but if you're looking for a deeper answer it would be: My family has a lot of issues and I don't think I can be myself around them so the thought of them being there for my wedding fills me with dread. I don't have enough friends to justify having a wedding and I for sure wouldn't have any bridesmaids. I feel like my small wedding wouldn't look close, intimate, and intentional and would instead look kind of pathetic and embarrassing. I think it would highlight the lonliness I already feel consumed by. I was never someone's best friend. In most cases, I was always a tier 2 or tier 3 friend at best. Wedding dress shopping fills me with anxiety because I don't think I'm all that pretty. Often times, when I dress up for special occasions, I don't feel like a pretty girl rather I feel like an ugly girl trying to cosplay as pretty. I also feel like weddings often put pressure on women to be the hottest, most beautiful version of themselves and I feel like that pressure would cause me to freak out and relapse into all types of unhealthy habits and mindsets because of my body dysmorphia. The thought of being the center of attention and having a day be all about me freaks me out. It's a symptom of the emotional neglect I have experienced to where I'm not used to being witnessed and celebrated so now, it feels scary and uncomfortable. I like to think having a wedding wouldn't feel scary once I heal from my neglect wounds, my body image issues, and I have more friends with deeper connections.

I'm just creating a separate journal for myself where I can pour all of my negative emotions into and just rant/ vent in. I'm not dealing with an influx of negative emotions rather I just want to have a separate space for this apart from my main journal where I have more constructive and coherent posts. I have been journalling privately about things like this so I can have the space to just let things out but sometimes I feel like I want to share things that are kind of in the middle of me spewing things out (which I can do privately) and me having more contructive thoughts (which I have been doing in my main journal).

I'm trying to write a book about someone time travels into the future and I want to use models like Spiral Dynamics and The Four Turnings Theory to help me build this futuristic world. I'm not at a place where I have the plot or characters mapped out but I want to focus on the world building aspect first. The reason why I want to write this book is because I want to envision a better future. A lot of stories in the time travel genre, even if it’s something set in the future, is a reflection of how people feel in the present. The Jetsons came out in 1962. The first time humanity got to space was 1961. The first time we were able to fly was 1903. In the span of less than 60 years, we were able to go from ground only transportations to being able to go to space. No wonder people thought in 1962 that in 2062 people will be living like the Jetsons up in space with all types of robots. Back to the Future was envisioning the year 2015 from the lens of 1985 and the optimism of the future back then. Now that we’re in the Crisis era, a lot of our media that depicts the future has to do with dystopias (think the Hunger Games, Cyber Punk 2077 etc.). But I think at this point in time, with cultural nihilism being at it’s peak, rather than envisioning dystopias to critique the present, I think it’s important that we envision building something better. That’s why the Solar Punk aesthetic is popular. But I think rather than a couple of Pinterest mood boards, I want to create a more cohesive narrative of how society and people develop and ultimately, have it be something hopeful and something to aspire to. While I did enjoy the Jetsons and Back to the Future, I think the thing that messed with me even when I was a kid is how much it focused on the fantastical, technological aspect of the future rather than the social one. Unlike what Back to the Future thought in 1985, we didn’t get flying cars in 2015. But something that would send someone from 1985 into a coma if they saw us today is how much more accepting we are of gay and trans people and how much more common things like interracial marriage is. That’s the real controversial, juicy stuff, not the flying cars and hover boards. Sure, I want to make changes in the material world through my world building. But I want to emphasize the changes of policy and social attitudes even more. I don’t want my depiction of the future to be something that seems other worldly. I want it to seem like something that can be tangible. Bascially, this journal is going to be where I track my research as I'm doing my world building.

My Plan to Address Things: I'm learning more about childhood emotional neglect. I feel like the symptoms I have listed out don't cleanly match the common symptoms I'm reading about. I think part of it might be because I have put in a lot of work in therapy and in reflecting to where I have healed a lot of adjacent issues. For example, I have a mostly secure attachment style after doing the work. Before, I used to be a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment (usually leaning more avoidant). And me leaning more avoidant makes sense due to the neglect. By learning to be more emotionally available toward my own needs, by becoming more aware of my emotions, by learning what my emotions were trying to say, by identifying my needs and how to communicate them, I did heal a layer of the trauma of emotional neglect. Another example is me dealing with my issues around hyper independence to where I had trouble openning up to people, had trouble asking for help, and feeling like I had to have my life figured out at a young age. I no longer struggle with this. I also think my degree of introspection and my strong sense of values and self-respect camoflauged a lot of the issues I had around my confidence. So again, a lot of the self-esteem issues associated with emotional neglect was also missing since I had the self-respect wing make up for what my confidence was lacking. I haven't had to deal with the issues mentioned previously in the last 5 years. So while I was aware of the emotional neglect, I healed enough to where the most common signs were no longer there. As a result, I think the deeper issues around neglect, the really developmental and ongoing stuff like developing a core of self esteem, having experience with being witnessed, social confidence, and feeling like your presance has an impact got buried even more because there was more healing in the surface. For instance, I don't think the sentiment of *I don't feel like a woman* or *I feel like a background character in my own life* is the first thing people think about when they think of emotional neglect lmaoo. I don't think that my emotional neglect is any less valid because I don't currently have the more classic symptoms. But I do feel like that can make traditional forms of treating emotional neglect seem redundant because I already did that. And sometimes I feel like seeing these forms of advice that I have already utilized makes my situation feel even more hopeless because it feels like such a deep set issue. Maybe this is something I need to continue working with a professional on who is aware of the nuances of my specific situation and how this is showing up. At the same time, I went ahead and jotted down some ideas on how to address each of the manifestions of my neglect. 1. Not having a solid core of self esteem Each day, note down 3 things that you are proud of yourself for and focus on the effort and character traits associated with them: This is different from affirmations because I'm not just repeating the same few statements over and over again each day. That tends to not register at all. Sure, there may be some overlap on a day to day basis and that's good because it's reinforcing the message, but the point it to be a witness and acknowledge your achievements, even if it's something small and you don't think it's worth noting down. It can be something like *I'm proud that I did the dishes because I was anxious about it and even though I didn't feel like it, I still pushed through it and now I feel better over all* I think priming myself to complimenting myself will make me more emotionally receptive to other people complimenting me to where I actually believe it on an emotional level. 2. Feeling like your presence doesn't leave an impact Take note when people feel your absense or remember something about you: It can be oh hey, this person cares about me enough to check up on me. Or it can be *hey since, I didn't show up in work today, I didn't do xyz that would have been beneficial to the team (but not in a self deprecating way rather in a, your presence adds something way)* Expose yourself to situations where you are compelled to take up more space: You're already mindful, do little things here and there that your brain says you're dominating or being attention seeking but are actually completely normal. Tell people it's your birthday. Talk about your weekend in more length. Speak up more in larger group settings. Take more of an exposure therapy approach to feeling more comfortable with having a presance. 3. Feeling discomfort with being witnessed: Celebrate yourself in small ways (like noting down things you're proud of daily) and work your way up: You don't have to throw a party for yourself right now if you don't feel like it but you can work up to it. Get out of the habit of downplaying your achievments. Continue allowing someone to be physically present as you're dealing with big feelings: I'm currently living with my boyfriend and that has brought to light just how much I was neglected when I was living with family and it's been helpful having him by my side to be my witness and accept me even if I might not be my most emotionally attractive and charismatic self. 4. I always felt like a weird kid/ socially awkward even when I wasn't: Acknowledge that you're not socially awkward, weird, autistic etc. and that it's due to not being given a social script to begin with. You are starting a lot of stuff from scratch and you didn't have the same starting point as everyone else. That's not a deficiency on you. Sure, you might stumble more, but that's not a personal failing. And even some people who do have resources, they still struggle as well as they are also grappling with similar things you are. They still make mistakes as well as they learn about the complexities of adulthood even if they have guides they can fall back on. They have a head start, but they aren't somehow radically better than you.

Symptoms of Neglect A lot of this is going to be repetitive from what I wrote before but this is me just processing and organizing my thoughts in a different way. Not having a solid core of self esteem: I have difficulty with recognizing my positive qualities but it's super easy for me to recognize my flaws. As a result of me not being able to acknowledge my positive qualities, when something goes wrong, I internalize everything because my brain is conditioned to find/ focus on all the ways I might be messing up even if the situation at hand was largely out of my control or was due to factors outside of myself. Like even in a situation where 98% of it was the other person's fault, something systemic, etc, my brain zeros in on the 2%. Basically, I take too much responsibility for things and I down play my positive qualities / achievements. When people compliment me, it doesn't register in my brain. It's not that I don't believe it, but I don't feel anything positive. It's like I'm emotionally blind to the effects of a compliment in the same way someone might be color blind. It's like I know colors exist and I can differentiate some of it, but it doesn't really register. I still say thank you to people and I react positively, but that's less of a reflection of how I feel inside and more of me knowing how to socially behave. Like if someone says they think I'm pretty, I'm not going to sulk in the corner, be awkward, or deny it by saying *no I'm not.* I just say thank you, have a quick chat, and move on because I'm not socially weird. I have trouble asserting myself: This thankfully doesn't show up in situations of necessity (i.e people at work mistreating me or micromanaging me or giving me less money than I deserve OR in medical situations when the doctor is being unreasonable OR when I'm on a date with a guy who is disrespectful), but in optional situations like negotiating for a raise, making friends etc, I can be more passive. I think in situations of necessity, the main reason I can assert myself is because even though I don't have a lot of confidence, I do have a lot of self respect that comes from my values rather than how I feel about myself. I'm really good at playing defense, but I'm bad at playing offense. Feeling like your presence doesn't leave an impact I'm shocked when people say that they missed me or that they think of me. People finding me attractive catches me off guard. Like I've had crushes on people and I have thought of them and I'm sure statistically it's likely that someone has thought of me in that way but it just doesn't emotionally register as a possibility. The background character feeling Being in the spotlight or me being the main attention in a group of people feels weird. It can range from mild discomfort to full blown anxiety and wanting to avoid the situation as a whole. I feel mild discomfort if I'm speaking in a group of people in a social setting and everyone is listening to me. I don't like the feeling of me dominating a conversation and taking up space. Birthdays, besides all the other emotional baggage I have around it, also feel weird because *what do you mean I have a day that's all about me?* I don't judge other people who do this but the thought of announcing my birthday in the days leading up to it or me making a big deal about it, feel mortifying. Like I don't tell people about my birthday or really celebrate it. Also, I kind of dread the thought of me having a wedding and having all the eyes on me to the point where I just want to elope. Feeling discomfort with being witnessed: Being in the spotlight or me being the main attention in a group of people feels weird. It can range from mild discomfort to full blown anxiety and wanting to avoid the situation as a whole. I feel mild discomfort if I'm speaking in a group of people in a social setting and everyone is listening to me. I don't like the feeling of me dominating a conversation and taking up space. Birthdays, besides all the other emotional baggage I have around it, also feel weird because *what do you mean I have a day that's all about me?* I don't judge other people who do this but the thought of announcing my birthday in the days leading up to it or me making a big deal about it, feel mortifying. Like I don't tell people about my birthday or really celebrate it. Also, I kind of dread the thought of me having a wedding and having all the eyes on me to the point where I just want to elope. Celebrating myself gives me anxiety.I think this is a combination of #1, having trouble identifying my positive qualities and #2, feeling like my presance doesn't leave an impact, specifically on how being in the spotlight feels uncomfortable. Like whenever people talk about birthdays, weddings, celebrating milestones and people are like *don't you want a day where you feel special?* or *don't you want a day when it's all about you and you get all the attention?* it feels like a foreign concept to me. And honestly, it makes my skin crawl. Being emotionally vulnerable to where someone sees me cry, have panic attack, or having someone witness me at the heat of the moment feels weird and uncomfortable. Like I can open up about my life or negative feelings I'm dealing with but I mainly feel comfortable doing that when I'm in a place where I'm having a cohesive conversation. I'm not used to living with someone and having them see everything about me at the moment that I'm experiencing something. I always felt like a weird kid/ socially awkward even when I wasn't. It feels like people were given a social script and I was left to observe and improvise. I think it took me longer to get socialized properly due to my abusive home environment and because my parent's neglected a lot of things that would have helped me gain social skills to better mesh with my peers. Like they were kind of overprotective and sheltered me and this shows up as neglect because they didn't actually take the time to teach me. Some examples include not being allowed to go to sleepovers, not going off to summer camp, not having play dates, not having important conversations around sex and puberty, being isolated from your peers and not being allowed to hang out with friends or date, etc. And even though I'm not a super weird adult, I still feel socially awkward because I don't have parents to guide me through some of the more complex social dynamics in adulthood. I don't have someone to walk me through how to navigate office politics and how to build professional relationships. I don't have someone I can go to if I'm having dating issues. I don't have people I can go to regarding navigating the complexities of friendship in adulthood. And I know I definitely don't have parents I can lean on if I decide to be a parent myself. I don't feel like a woman: There aren't a lot of ways this actually manifests outside of me in the way I act but it's just a weird feeling I've always had.

Some Interesting Videos I Have Watched Recently

Why Hitting Children is Wrong I have a lot of thoughts and I want to write it out to fully process it. It kinda shocks me that so many people in 2026 still spank and smack their kids given the amount of research there is that talks about the harms of hitting kids. Anyways, I'm going to list out all the reasons why I think hitting kids is fucked up in no particular order. It teaches kids that people who love them will hit them or that hitting people is an acceptable way of showing love: This is a receipe for normalizing abusive behavior to where the kid will grow up and either get into abusive relationships because they think it's normal and legit way of someone showing that they care about them OR the kid will grow up to abuse others because they think it's a normal and legit way to treat someone they care about. Basically, it primes kids to either be victims of abuse or become abusers themselves. It teaches bad conflict resolution skills: Children learn more from watching people rather than being lectured to so the fact that you, the adult/ parent is hitting them, it teaches them that they should also hit other people and that it's a legit way of expressing themselves. If you want the kid to be calm and learn to express themselves using their words, then it needs to start with you as the adult being calm and expressing yourself with your words even when disciplining your kid. It desensitizes the kid to where normal communication becomes less effective: If you get into the habit of yelling at your kid, unless you correct something, at some point the only way they will listen is when you yell at them because you basically taught them that unless you're yelling that you're not serious with what you're saying. And I think hitting your kids can have a similar effect to where if you get into the habit of hitting your kid, hitting is going to be the only way they will respond to anything and normal discipline won't work on them anymore. That's why parents who start off with hitting their kids or adopting a more authoritarian way of parenting struggle with transitioning into gentle/authoritative parenting versus if they were already gentle/authoritative from the first place. As a result of the damages of their initial bad parenting, they think that if they were to be gentle, their kids will walk all over them and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It's hard being a good parent but it's even harder to correct bad parenting. It teaches them that if they want someone to do something, they need to be domineering towards them: Similar to reason number one and how hitting your kid primes them to be abusers themselves, parents often hit their kids because they think that hitting them will get the kid to do what they want the kid to do out of fear and pain. Then, the kid also learns that if another person isn't doing what they want, the way to manipulate them is to assert their power by scaring them or hurting them. That's why a lot of kids end up bullying other kids (physically or even emotionally). They first learn it from their household that teaches them that it's okay to hurt people to get them to do what you want. It teaches kids to not trust their parents: When you're hitting a kid, you're not teaching them good and bad behavior by explaining how things work, you're just teaching them fear. Like say you hit a kid because they cheated on a test. In that situation, you're not teaching them WHY cheating on a test is wrong and the morals around that. It teaches them *hey, if you want to avoid getting hit, you can't cheat on a test.* And sure, in both instances the kid decides not to cheat anymore. But in the second situation, you're not nurturing your kid's moral development and you're also inflicting fear and trauma as a by product. And that can in turn damage your future relationship with your kid. Then, the kid learns that if they make a mistake, instead of being guided on how to handle this situation, you're going to hurt them, berate them, and overall freak them out even more. And that becomes a breeding ground for all types of issues and hiding things once they get older and into their teen years. It makes them more likely to develop anxiety and depression: It goes without saying getting hit is scary. The kid is also more likely to feel depressed because of the isolation, lack of trust, and disconnection this breeds with the most important relationships they have in their life. It also makes them more scared of confrontation, constructive criticism, and uncomfortable conversations because they associate those very normal aspects of life and relationships as either a direct attack on them or a situation where they are going to be abused. And this also goes back to reason 2 and 3 where the kid has worse communication skills and worse conflict resolution skiills as they get older. It futher reinforces colonial/ racist systems: I don't think it's a coincidence that POC families and Black families in particular are more likely to hit their kids. I think it's a mentality of *it's better if I as the parent hit my kids and keep them in line versus having the kid be harmed by the police or by the forces that be in the future.* It's also an extention of the normalization of violence through things like slavery and colonization. Like you're further reinforcing the violence of young black and brown bodies when you hit your kid. It's a form of generational trauma. It reinforces the already massive power dynamic between adult and child: I'm going to talk about this more in another post but using your power as an adult, as the party with more tools, life experiences, and ability to regulate, to hit a child is fucked up. As an adult, you should know better and be able to handle that situation better than to hit a kid. The adult has a multitude of more responsibility to act in a reasonable way when they are in a position of authority over a kid. Plus, let's be real, most adults that hit kids would never hit another adult. Most of the time, they stop hitting their kid once the kid is big enough to defend themselves (and then, how do you communicate/ discipline your kid, it goes back to reason #2). So tell me why it's alright to hit a kid who is physically smaller than you, has less life experience then you, and is much more vulnerable than an adult, but it's fucked up to hit an adult? The double standard simply doesn't make sense. It can be as bad for the kid neurologically as being sexually assaulted: There is new evidence that has reported that the neurological affects of spanking can be similar to sexual assault. I'm just going to leave this section with a link and a quote from Harvard: https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain It stunts their ability to learn how to process/ communicate their emotions (especially things like anger) and calm down: Kids learn by watching the adults around them. So if the adults around them fly off the handle, lash out, and hit people, the kid is not going to know how to handle emotions like anger, fear, or sadness within themselves. As the adult, you need to model self regulation and emotional processing, and hitting your kid is the opposite of that. If the kid is freaking out, you need to be the stable and calm one grounding them. Even if they're pissing you off, you cannot feed into that and add more chaos to the mix. Sure, there will be times when you lose your temper. And in those times, you need to walk away, calm down, give the kid a sincere apology, and then continue disciplining your kid. But I believe that if you lose your temper so badly to where you hit a child, that's something you need to address before becoming a parent.

Much of my experience in writing has been in the form of journal entries on this forum (and privately), the essays I have had to write in school, and succinct writing in corporate/ business settings. I don't think any of that is bad or hurts me. I think the journal entries are a good way for me to reflect and generally speaking have practice in writing so that the skill doesn't erode after school. My educational background has been helpful in me imagining various systems and social structures in my world building and it has been helpful in analyzing other pieces of media as well. My writing in my job forces me to be direct and succinct which enhances how coherent and easy to understand a narrative is. At the same time, those are not the same skill sets that are essential for writing fiction. I have little to no experience in writing fiction (unless you count creating character designs for your friend's Wattpad Hunger Games fanfiction in the 8th grade as experience). I feel like if I was an artist, rather than being a painter, I would be the architect that is gifted in drawing detailed blueprints of a beautiful building. That has it's own merits but it doesn't have the same result as a painter who can capture the look and the feel of an image as opposed to getting bogged down with the technical details. And I'm not going to lie, it's intimidating. I don't know how I'm going to write these characters or their archs. I'm really bad at writing flowery prose without sounding like a fake deep Tumblr emo kid. I'm not good at painting an image in people's minds when it comes to describing a setting, a mood, a situation etc. Dialog also feels incredibly intimidating because I don't want it to sound like a bad Netflix original. I'm really good at identifying bad fictional content because I have witnessed them and I have, in some cases, produced them when I was in the 8th grade or into my high school years in the form of cringey journal entries where I was trying to be something I was not by writing in a voice that didn't sound natural to me. Of course I'm going to research and look into developing these skills. But I was wondering if anyone in this forum had any helpful advice or input.

Neglect I think this past year has me more in tuned with the way that neglect has shaped my life since I feel like my current social life is functionally emotionally unavailable. What do I mean by functionally emotionally unavailable? I mean that while the people in my life aren't weirdos and emotionally unavailable on a personal level, they do come off that way on due to systemic factors or because of "life just happening." And I think this functional emotional unavailability due to systemic factors has led my needs around connection, closeness, and fulfillment be left unmet. In otherwords, the system is set up in a way that a lot of people, including me, are being neglected. I have been in therapy for years now dealing with life's issues as well as trauma from my family. But I think I have been uncovering this layer of neglect that I didn't quite address before. I think the reason why I didn't address it until now, despite working on myself so much, is because it's hard to define what isn't there versus what actually happened. Like getting hit by your parent is easy to point to but a sense of disinterest coming from your parent over a stretch of time is harder to pin down. I think most of the neglect I have experienced (and continue to experience) is at the hands of my parents. I did also experience some neglect growing up in school usually in the form of peer exclusion or just being invisible romantically. But the parental neglect has been more impactful.My parents provided me with food, water, shelter, and an upper middle class material life to where I wasn't worried about college. But they also neglected literally every other aspect of parenting like helping me regulate my emotions, being there for me, empathizing with me, getting to know me, and teaching various life skills outside of academics. I also think the affects of the neglect I have experienced in childhood manifests in many ways. 1. Feeling like the background character of my own life: I think the origins of this has to do with not really acknowledged or engaged with. Despite being an only child, my parents were preoccupied by a lot of other things in their lives and didn't really engage with me on a deeper level to emotionally connect with me. My dad was better at this because he actually expressed some interest in my life (even if he struggled with the emotional aspects of it). My mom mainly showed her love by cooking, yelling at me over grades, and doing things around the house. And even then, the cooking often came with almond mom tendencies, the yelling was quite scary, and doing thing around the house was kind of the bare minimum in terms of being a functional adult that everyone in my household did within reason. I don't think at any point she really tried to get to know me and when she did get to know me, a lot of that was weaponized. And the rest of my family was always really surface level with me. I don't think it was intentional, I think it's more along the lines of how you can only engage with other people on a deeper level if you engage with yourself and your world in a deeper level. And that level of introspection and exospection is difficult when you're emotionally stunted which is the case for a lot of people in my family. 2. Not really having a core of self esteem/ sense of self which then makes it easy for you to internalize EVERYTHING: I think the way this shows up is how rarely I was praised or given any kind of positive reinforcement growing up. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents told me I was pretty or smart or the number of times they said they were proud of me. I never got a congrats for my efforts. My achievements were seen as standard and expected. But my failures.... oh they would never forget that. So now that I'm an adult, the thought of celebrating myself (even during my birthday, big life events, and things I put a lot of effort into), doing affirmations, and I guess "believing in myself" all feel like it falls somewhere in the spectrum of uncomfortable, performative, or just plain corny. But weirdly enough, I think a lot of people see me as someone with high self worth. But my self worth doesn't come with confidence, it's a result of my values. Like I know it's typical to tell a girl going through a break up with a toxic man that she's too pretty and too smart to be treated that way as a way to appeal to her confidence to help her through this vulnerable moment. But for me, it's more like no one should be treated that way regardless of their looks or intellect because it's about the principle of treating people well. I think a lot of my self worth comes from self-respect and morality as opposed to a sense of confidence because confidence can vary a lot depending on mood in my opinion. And in some ways, I think that my self worth as a result is more stable. But at the same time, I never had a strong sense of confidence. And because I lack confidence, I can be prone to taking too much responsibility for my surroundings to where instead of being able to accurately point to what's causing the problem, I end up pointing the finger to myself and my sense of self blame masquerades as responsbility. For example, I'm currently having bug problems in my apartment despite keeping my space clean. But instead of being able to point out that this is a building wide problem, my first thought is *the bugs are here because I'm disgusting, there's something wrong with me* even though I vacuum once a week, mop the kitchen once a week, do the dishes everyday, and wipe down surfaces everyday. And when it comes to interpersonal issues, I'm quick to wondering what's wrong with me, what did I do, and I tend to take people's critiques of me in face value. It's difficult for me to see how the other person might be at fault, how their biases might impact their inaccurate assesment of me or the situation, etc. It's difficult for me to see how I might be in the right when growing up, I always had my flaws examined and my merits ignored. 3. Having trouble feeling like a woman: I wrote about this in my previous post on how I didn't really have a solid mother figure growing up and how that has made navigating the world as a woman challenging because I had to figure things out for myself. 4. Feeling a little autistic: I don't think I meet the diagnostic criteria for autism but I do think I relate heavily to this notion that everyone was given some kind of social script and guidance on how to be a person but I haven't. I don't think it's entirely due to reasons pertaining to neurodivergence (it can be a factor but it's not the whole story. Now that I think about it, maybe I feel awkward and out of place is because I was never given the tools or guidance to navigate situations. Like no shit part of me always felt a bit behind in some aspects from my peers. I was a kid trying to guide a kid (myself). I didn't have an adult to guide the child version of me. 5. That envy and deep sense of lonliness when you see your peers become close to their parents in adulthood: I would characterize it as the feeling of *I'm happy for them but I'm sad for me.* Because I'm not close with my parents despite trying to be over the years. I found that it's quite unhealthy when I spend too much time around them. I sometimes feel like part of me is stunted because I'm not close to my parents, like I'm the angsty teen that never grew up. I know my situation is more complex than that but still. And I think I greive a little every time I struggle in adulthood because I have no one older and wiser I can run to. I can't go to my parents for comfort because they are my greatest source of stress and feeling of dismissal. 6. Feeling romantically and sexually invisible: I think this is less connected to my parents and more connected to my peers. Perhaps it's the result of my lack of confidence mixed with feeling like I cannot take the same risks since I don't have the emotional safety net that people with reliable parents do. I don't have parents I can go to if a boy was mean to me growing up or parents to go to if I was dealing with a break up. But also, I think I was just never in a place where I was considered particularly beautiful either. 7, Not feeling platonically unattractive but feeling platonically mid: I don't think that I'm repulsive to where I cannot make ANY friendships or meaningful connections. But I was definitely the floater friend growing up and I haven't had any one consider me their best friend since I was 15. People don't avoid me, but they don't exactly go out of their way to reach out first either. I think that I just haven't "found my people" but it feels a little lame to say that when I'm approaching my late 20s. But then again, that might loop back into me internalizing everything as a personal failing instead of being able to simply accept that there might be factors outside of my control and just timing in general at play. 8. Not going to the dentist regularly until i turned 25: I had to get my wisdom teeth removed in my mid-twenties and I found out that most people get this done in their teens. My parents also never took me to the dentist growing up and the issues with my teeth felt like another manifestation of their negligence. 9, Physical neglect: Sometimes I neglect my appearance, This can be me wearing the same shit over and over until it has holes, not doing my hair super often, and showering once every other day or every couple days. Sometimes I neglect my surroundings when I get depressed. And sometimes, I neglect myself when it comes to food where I may eat something past the point it was fresh to where I know I'm going to get a stomach ache all because I don't want to waste food. 10. Discomfort around expressing negative emotions: I think it can be difficult expressing my emotions and crying in front of loved ones because I'm used to having to deal with it myself. It can feel weird having someone sit with me as I'm experiencing intense emotions because growing up I would lock myself in my closet to cry because I know my tears would either be ignored or be met with yelling. It's far easier to talk about things after the fact or intellectualize my emotions all together.

I feel like the above post can be summarized by this:

The Problems In My Life At This Moment 1. Friendship Problems (Pain Level: 8) I feel like I'm experiencing a lot of grief regarding how my relationships are changing now that I'm an adult and our lives are structured differently. I'm getting better coping mechanisms and better mindsets to deal with a lot of difficult emotions but it can be difficult and intense at times. There are some posts that I saw on social media that really resonated with me to where I found myself crying when I saw them: "I saw my friend having fun without me and suddenly I felt embarrassed for thinking we were close. It wasn't that they went without me. It was how quickly my brain turned 'I wasn't there' to ' I don't matter anymore.' Then, every late reply, every plan I found out about later, every 'we should hang soon' started feeling like evidence. I wanted to ask 'are we okay?' Insterad, I liked the post and tried to look normal. Because how do you say 'I know you're allowed other friends, I just need to know I still matter,' without sounding jealous? So I checked who was there, how long they'd known each other, and whether they looked happier than they do with me. Then, I felt embarrassed twice. Once for being left out, and again for caring this much. Friendship anxiety isn't always 'don't have other friends.' Sometimes, it's 'please don't quietly stop choosing me while I'm still choosing you.' Maybe that photo wasn't proof, but the fear didn't come from nowhere. It remembered every friendship that went quiet before I knew I was losing it. For tonight, one photo can be one photo. It can hurt without becoming proof that I'm being left behind." "I noticed I wasn't included. I just made sure nobody noticed that I noticed. They mentioned plans I didn't know about. I smiled like I already knew. I asked one casual question so I wouldn't sound as hurt as I felt. Then, I went home and started checking where I stood with everyone. Who gets invited first. Who gets the full story. Who gets remembered without asking. I kept saying it's probably nothing. But my body had already gone quiet. The worst part wasn't missing the plan. It was pretending I didn't care so I wouldn't look needy. So I got a little smaller, replied less, waited to see if anyone would notice. Sometimes friendship anxity is acting completely normal while quietly mourning your place. I didn't need to be included in everything. I just wanted to know I still belonged somewhere." "Nothing happend, I just slowly felt less included. Nothing happened, I just stopped feeling like I belonged there. I heard about plans after they already happened. I noticed I was always reaching first. Then, I went home and replayed everything. What hurt most was feeling embarrassed that I cared. But wanting to feel included isn't needy. Some friendships don't end, they just feel different. That quiet distance can hurt more than people know. You're not too much for wanting to still belong." "I know they're allowed to have other friends. I still stared at the picture like I'd been replaced. It wasn't only that they went without me. It was how quickly my made it mean I mattered less. Suddenly, every 'we should hang out soon' felt like something they only said to be nice. I compared everything. How easily they talked, ho happy they looked, whether they seemed happier without me. And the embarrassing part? Nobody actually left me. I was already grieving my place in their life. So I got quieter, replied a little later, acted like I was busy, just to see if they'd notice I was pulling away. When they didn't notice right away, my brain called it proof. Not proof that people have lives, proof that I was optional. I didn't want to control who they cared about. I just needed to know that caring about someone else didn't erase me. Maybe the feeling wasn't 'I want to be your only friend.' Maybe it was 'please don't mkae me easy to lose.' Tonight, I'm trying to let the picture just be a picture, not a goodbye I have to survive." 2. I look and Feel Gross (Pain Level: 6) I think this is related to the friendship problems but it then bleed into other things as well. I feel gross about my life because I feel out of alignment with my values. The best example of this is when I think about how much I value platonic connection but then I'm spending most of my time with my significant other. Don't get me wrong, I do love him and we have a good relationship but to me, platonic love is just as important if not more important than romantic love. And because so much of my social diet is coming from the romantic relationship, I feel gross. I know I didn't intentionally set up my life this way. I have been trying to make friends and put myself out there but I haven't had much success. I know because of this effort, the way I carry myself, and the way that I view this relationship that I'm not one of those male centered women. But I think if most people look at my life, if they didn't know me, they would think I'm one of those sad, pathetic women who only hangs around their significant other. And that makes me feel like my inability to actualize my values is reflective of some kind of moral failing. Then, when I think about feeling gross, I also start thinking about body image. I feel gross in my body, in my size specifically. While I have a flat stomach and the faintest amount of abs, I can still squish a good amount of fat. My inner thighs touch as I walk. My muscular legs feel heavy sometimes. I have these small back rolls that feel like they ruin every outfit. And while I have muscular arms, because I'm not super lean, I don't look skinny or jacked. I know that I'm not objectively a big person and I think one of the big reasons why I feel the way that I do is because of how the definition of skinny has shifted in the last couple of years with all the celebrities being on ozempic. I have written about this in the past so I'm not going to repeat myself too much. But this shit feels inescapable and I can feel the collective brainrot forming in real time. On a similar note, I do think I'm neglecting my physical appearance. A lot of my clothes have holes and mystery stains I cannot seem to get rid of. My hair has overgrown and I've been due for a haircut for a couple months now. I need to get my perm re done. I just don't want to spend that kind of money considering how I took my leave of absense and I didn't have any income coming in for two months. But yeah, I feel like a gremlin. 3. I don't know about my reproductive choices (Pain Level: 3) I feel like I have mostly made peace with this because I got to process a lot of my complex feelings around motherhood and parenthood. I also know where I'm going in that I need more life experience to really know what I want. Which is why the pain level is low. But it can still feel a bit existential crisis inducing at times as I'm getting older and I'm feeling more pressure to figure out this area of my life. 4. Wanting to Move to New York (Pain Level: 3) Similar to the bit about my reproductive choices, my pain level is relatively low because it's not super pressing but it is sometimes existential crisis inducing. I feel like I want to move because I think it would be much more in line with my values and the kind of life I want to build for myself. I care about walkable cities. I care about a more natural form of community with infrastructure to support that. I care about being in a place where the nuclear family and the so-called American dream is less emphasized, because it was never my dream. And sometimes, being in Dallas feels suffocating. I see people have their lives revolve around their jobs, buying a house, and popping out kids. There is nothing wrong with that but I don't see examples of the kind of life that I want to create for myself here. I don't care about the same things. And sometimes, I feel like I tell people what I want in life and they either think I'm juvenile (like *oh of course you will eventually come around to having kids and buying a house*) or they think that I'm crazy because they simply don't get the vision. I'm asking all these important questions of what settling down looks like for me and it sucks that I'm only being fed one narrative of what it means to be an adult and what it means to settle down. I have always wanted to relocate to a larger city growing up and part of me feels sad and like a failure that I have been in the DFW area my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people are failures if they don't live outside their home town/city. I can think of some very legit reasons to do that. But it feels like a failure to me because I'm falling short on something that really matters to me. And I'm trying to reassure myself that me not living in New York right now isn't because of some kind of stagnation, fear, or passivity. I have been making decisions in a way that makes sense for my life to build my life in a sustainable way. I have had situations in my life where I did eventually get what I wanted but I got it later than I hoped. I think sex and dating is a good example of this. It felt agonizing to wait when I saw my peer reach various milestones before I did. Sometimes, I wondered if something is wrong with me. Then, I remind myself of a piece of advice I got a while back that was along the lines of "you can get what you want now and have it be mediocre or disappointing OR you can get what you want later on, but it's going to be everything you have dreamed about and more." And as far as dating and sex goes, I'm really glad I waited because that saved me a lot of trauma, unnecessary heart break, and potentially dangerous situations. And I think the same mindset can also be applied to friendships as well as my desire to move to New York. Then there is the way that this ties into my reproductive choices. Part of me wonders if I would have a more favorable outlook on motherhood if I wasn't in the suburbs. Another part of me wonders if I would have the same desire to have a kid if I had more of a community and I have gotten closer to achieving some of my life goals such as relocating or travelling more. Because, there is a chance that if I have more of a sense of community and I felt like I was progressing more in my long term goals that I would want to have a kid less because I'm less lonely and I feel less stagnant/ unfulfilled. But, there is also a chance that if I have the community and I achieve these goals that I would want to be a parent more in order to share the beautiful life I have created for myself with a kid. I don't know which camp I fall into yet and I think the only way that I can find out is by creating the life that I want for myself. Because either way, regardless of if I decide to be a parent, I will still build a beautiful life for myself. And I think moving to New York is a part of that process. 5. Mommy Issues (Pain Level: 5) I feel like whenever I'm dealing with something challenging in my life or whenever I feel like I'm in a place where I really need guidance, I'm reminded of how I don't have that. I don't have adults with more wisdom and life experience to guide me through the above. I feel like this hits the hardest when it comes to my issues around friendships. Part of the reason I value friendship so much is because I had to create a chosen family since my homelife wasn't great and I had no siblings. And I feel like if I had a more stable home, I would be getting my needs met more and I wouldn't put all my eggs in the friendship basket. And even if I still had a big hole where my friendships would be in, my parents would have given me better tools and more life experience to navigate this aspect of adulthood. I also think about this in the context of my romantic life where I feel like if I had to deal with a breakup, I couldn't go to my parents about that. I would have to deal with the pain all by myself. And lastly, I think about this in the context of my reproductive choices. Part of the reason why issue #3 is listed as a pain level of 3 is because it overlaps with the mommy issues. I'm scared of becoming like my mother and mistreating my kid. And even though I'm taking waaay more precautions to prevent something like that, such as working on my own issues, carefully considering if parenthood is for me, and educating myself on how to treat children, part of me wonders if any of that will kick in when I'm actually faced with the realities of parenthood. I'm also scared of motherhood because I feel like I lack social support if this is the decision I end up making. Not only do I not have a village, but I also don't have a mother who I feel like I would be able to go to in times of need and distress. The thought of her holding my hand as I'm going into labor and feeling that sense of support feels like a fantasy, like I'm not imagining my real mother. Ideally, I would love to have a mother by my side as I navigate the difficulties of motherhood. But not my mom specifically. When it comes to my mom specifically, I would rather bear the burden by myself because adding my mom to the mix will make things more stressful and likely will multiply my problems. And I think that's pretty tragic. Then I think about how I feel gross and how sometimes, that relates to me not feeling like a woman at all. I feel like a girl and I feel like an adult, but for whatever reason I don't feel like a woman. I think part of the reason why it's hard for me to define womanhood is because it's easy for me to deconstruct it and the narratives around it. It's very easy for me to see what womanhood is not and what it can be limitted by. And perhaps, it's better and easier to define womanhood for myself and how it applies to me rather than having a broad definition of sorts. But, I think another aspect of this is because I never had a solid female role model in my life. I learned about what not to do by watching her, not what to do, similar to how I define womanhood by what it is not rather than what it is. I feel like I have had to figure out things considered traditionally feminine things on my own, whether that be how puberty works, how to do my makeup, how to navigate social situations, how to cook, how do deal with dating and boys etc. And sometimes, I still feel lost. I still don't know how to do my hair and my fashion sense feels abysmal. And there is a part of me that feels more like a gremlin than a woman because gender is a performance and not only do I sometimes forget my lines, but sometimes it feels like I was never given lines in the first place. There is a freedom to that because instead of trying to recite prewritten lines, I can improvise and do what feels more natural to me. But the problem is, that's not how the play or broader society functions and people are still operating under and are still constrained by some lines, for better and for worse. And rather than having this decision to improvise coming from a declaration of my own authenticity, it comes from a place of having no other choice because I simply wasn't given the guidance in the first place.

How many of y'all have people in real life who is familiar with Leo's content or have visited this forum? I'm just curious.

Some Themes I Want to Talk About in this Book I have caught myself reviewing previous journal entries as I have been mapping out the content of this book and fleshing out the building blocks. I have decided that I'm going to create a quicker reference to my own works as it relates to my project. I think this is also helpful in helping me see the way that my writing, self reflection, and overall self development applies to my book. Sometimes this process feels overwhelming, like I have to come up everything myself and start research from ground zero. This is a reminder that this isn't the case and that I have some work that I'm starting with. Cultural Nihilism: Nihilism Part 1 The Problems with Convenience and Optimization Culture Nihilism Part 2: Career Frustration Nihilism Part 3: Comparing the Mindset of My Immigrant Parents to My Ennui Nihilism Part 4: Seeds and Sprouts Nihilism Part 5: Factors that Contribute to the Nihilism + Addressing Them Nihilism Part 6: A Better World is Possible Nihilism Part 7: Spiral Dynamics Nihilism Part 8: Anti-Intellectualism Nihilism Part 9: Case Studies through the Classes Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism Nihilism Part 11: Luxury Poverty What is Punk Rock Nostalgia: Romanticizing the Past Lana Del Rey Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s – 90s Edition Stability Fetish But also, the past SUCKS A Simplier Time Being The Adult In The Room The Lolita Resurgence Ableism and Disability Rights: Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can’t Have Bad Days Diagnosis Is All Life Worth Living Breasts and Eggs Fulfillment Outside of Capitalism: The Happiness Spectrum Surviving Capitalism Coping Under Capitalism Part 1: A Desire for Meaning Coping Under Capitalism Part 2: A Grain of Salt Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Cozy Animals A Simpler Time Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 1: Fetishizing and Monetizing Your Interest What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up? Part 2.2: Why I Stopped Searching for a Purpose and a Dream Career Depressive Hedonia My Leisure Outside of Capitalism Class Conscious Christmas Maturity and Delayed Gratification: Puer Aeternus Part 1 (Not) Taking Myself Seriously Putting Life on a Pedestal The Fantasy of Adult Competence Fantasy I Feel Like a Loser in My Mid-20s I Feel Like I Should Have More Things Figured Out Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties Unc Status In The Middle Thoughts on Adulthood Thoughts on Womanhood Self-Infantilization Feeling 17 A Desire for More Responsibility Families and Gender Norms: Decentering Motherhood Unconditionally Wanting Parenthood Breasts and Eggs Unconventional and Wacky Families Wanting a Better Life for Your Kid Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? Upsetero Heteros: Wine Moms My Relationship With Porn Part 2: A Healthier Form of Porn The Sign of the Times / my various cultural takes Dealing with Collective Trauma Gen Z Crackhead Humor Elements of Doomer Mentality Envy, COVID, and Rich Conservative White Kids Disassociation The Normalization of Drugs in Adult Life The Hellscape that was the Early 2000s Mass Shootings The 2000s The Toxicity of the 2010s The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 1 The Toxicity of the 2020s Part 2 Aging The Dread An Update on the Dread The Limitations of Leftist Policies Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism The Election Election Grief Lonliness and Social Media Addiction Wah! Luigi! Making Sense of Our Chaotic 2025 Political Landscape with Spiral Dynamics Dream I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart The Current Information Environment The Big 250 Experiencing My 20s during the 2020s Overturning Roe v. Wade Activism: Cyncism and Desensitization Boycott Fatigue Thoughts on Advocacy Absurdism: Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy (Psychoanalyzing Myself May 18, 2024) Mastery vs the Ordinary

While the solar punk aesthetic has been good in terms of helping me get inspiration of how the future feels like, I don't want to replicate the world building exactly. I think I want to lean more on the sentiment of sewer socialism where its more focused on local government reform, public health, and upgrading city infrastructure like sanitation and parks rather than waiting for a national revolution or aesthetically green washing everything.

None of the people in my life know about Actualized.org. I think the biggest reasons why I don't send videos is because they are pretty lengthy and most people in my real life aren't super into videos that are an hour plus long . The people in my real life have read the writing I have posted on this forum but haven't gone into the forum itself. I'm kind of worried about what they might think of the forum given some of the more misogynistic / incel adjacent stuff on here. I do interject various concepts I have learned here into conversations and I feel like that has been a more seamless way to talk about these topics to where people are more receptive.